"So."

"Uh."

"We're lost, aren't we?"

"WE ARE NOT LOST, DAMN IT! At least, I don't think so."

Matt sighed.

"Some leader you are. If you would've updated the damn GPS program, we would be at the Beach by now!"

Jeremy stared frantically at the outdated city map on his PET screen, attempting to look important. So a few more streets and buildings had popped up in the metropolis over the past year, so what? They would get there eventually. The other human Acid Hackers were trailing behind on the sidewalk, gazing in shop windows and jiggling newspaper dispensers and frightening waitresses handing out cheese samples and basically looking for anything to steal. And complaining.

"My ass hurts!" Stuart wailed, munching a cube of Minneswissota. He looked up at Nijubu, a sleeping catboy straddling the tall one's shoulders and drooling in his hair. "When do I get my turn?"

"How about never?" Nij replied. "Unless you can shrink two feet and lose half your weight, my scoliosis can't handle you."

"You don't have scoliosis. You're still holding those begonias in your Zen garden against me, aren't you?"

"IT TOOK ME ALL WEEK TO RAKE THE LINES RIGHT!" Nij yelled.

Jake kicked a tightly locked mailbox halfheartedly. "How much farther, J?"

"We'll be there in no time! I think," Jeremy said. He had begun to regret sending four of the navis to the Beach Area ahead of them. Thinking about sticking Beastman, Flameman, and Plantman with defrag chores was some small consolation, though. At least some of the navis had to suffer with them.

Meanwhile:

[Loogie-G Defeated!]

"Hah! I told you I'd totally own your ass with Mary-Ho."

"Rawr, I never liked Loogie-G anyway! And using your tendrils ain't fair!"

"Some of us navis are just better formatted for Mega Smash Franchise 3 than others."

"Don't make me prune you, ROWR!"

<Defragmentation complete in: 11 hours; 22 minutes; 51 seconds>

"Wraaahahahahaaaah!"

[Mary-Ho Defeated!]

"WHAT?"

[Pikapoo is TEH WINNAR!]

"Rahrahrahrahrahrahrah! Pikapoo just schooled your green ass!"

"I—I wasn't paying attention! The mutt barely even has opposable thumbs! That doesn't count, I get a do-over!"

<Defragmentation complete in: 11 hours; 22 minutes; 31 seconds>

"Wraahar waar haarawrr raaharwr!"

"What did he say?"

" 'Suck it, flower girl.' "

"OH, IT'S ON, BITCH!"

[Ready! FIGHT!]

Jeremy wondered if they had found his copy of Mega Smash Franchise 3 yet. Reaching an intersection, the guys waited until the Walk sign changed to Don't Walk to cross. Jaywalking was a pastime of theirs, and over a few months they had become experts at it. Cars swerved out of their way, colliding with one another and flying over sidewalks and into lampposts until the light changed to red once again.

"Damn, it's more fun when there's a bus or two," Matt said.

A small man in a business suit leapt in front of them just then.

"VELCOME!"

"AAH!" everyone screamed, except Johnny, who was still sleeping.

"Ah, I zee you're of being exzited to be here already, in beautiful Zmallvania, yez! Let me get you zome pamphletz on zee local attractionz, yez! Vhitevater rafting, horze riding, zightzeeing, muzeumz, ve are not of having any of zat, no! But ve ARE of having a really nize ztreet corner, yez!"

The strange little man piled brochures in Jeremy's and Matt's arms as he continued. The leader and co-leader glanced to one another quizzically, shrugged, and Jeremy took his navi-less PET and swung it down on top of the weird guy's head as hard as possible. The man didn't seem to notice.

"Ah, you are of vanting zouvenirz, yez!"

"NO! Look, we're just on our way to the Beach, so if you can give us directions, that would be super."

The man cocked his head to the side and stared up at Jeremy.

"Zee Beach? You are not of vanting to go zere, now are you? Zere's all zese people and zand and zalt water and zuch, yez. You've only juzt arrived in vonderful Zmallvania, yez!"

"Wait," Jake interrupted, "what the hell is Zmallvania?"

"Not 'Zmallvania,' but 'Zmallvania,' yez!"

"...Right. Smallvania. What the hell is it?"

"It iz of being my country, yez! The zize of zis ztreet corner, yez! Zmallest country in zee world, yez! I am zee Prime Minizter, P. Nizz, yez!"

The others were silent and straight-faced. Nij suddenly went into what sounded like a coughing fit.

"Don't mind me, *cough*, just *hack* allergies and all, *cough*!"

"What's your first name?" Jeremy asked weakly.

The purported Prime Minister who was only slightly taller than Johnny shuffled his feet, embarrassed. "Eet iz of being Philip, yez. Eet iz of embarrazzment, yez, zo I am of going by an initial, yez!"

The man smiled and nodded vigorously. The other Acid Hackers collectively walked around him and kept going.

"Right. Well, have fun in your country and everything," Jeremy waved back without looking.

"VAIT!"

There was a bang, and a stop sign in front of them suddenly spun wildly. They turned back to see Philip pointing a shotgun at them. The smile was gone, as he tried his best to look serious.

"You have not zhown me your pazzportz yet, no! You cannot be of leaving until you zhow pazzportz, no!"

The Acid Hackers went silent for a while. Johnny was still asleep on Nij's shoulders. There wasn't really any room for them to hide weapons in their swimsuits. Or passports, for that matter.

"Shit," Matt said.


"Okay, team, that's it. This calls for some Epilogue action!" Jeremy shouted. "Battle Formation V, HOOOO!"

The Acid Hackers minus Johnny struck a pose. There was a bright flash of light, and Philip gazed around wildly.

"Ach! I am of being blinded, yez!"

"My back is cramping up," Stuart said after a while.

The guys relaxed, and looked back down at Philip, still smiling up at them.

"Weren't we supposed to run or something?"

"Oh."

"Pazzportz, yez?" Philip nodded wildly.

They ran.

"Hooyay, a raze!"

Philip threw his shotgun to the ground, where it fired in the air upon impact, and ran after them gleefully. They ran past the waitress standing outside the restaurant from earlier, and Stuart swiped the tray of cheeses off her hands in mid-stride. She shrieked in surprise just before Jake barreled into her, accidentally tearing her dress off as he leapt back to his feet. Infuriated, and wearing nothing but surprisingly risque undergarments, she joined the chase. Running across a four-lane intersection without slowing, cars miraculously missed every one of them and collided with one another. Half a dozen angry motorists shouted and ran after them. The group ran past a group of Officials, who did a double take, quickly computed the reward for arresting someone convicted of disturbing the peace and public indecency, and joined in the growing pursuit.

Gaining a slight lead, Matt pulled Jake into a women's clothing store where they quickly swapped themselves with the mannequins in the window just before the rest ran by. They snuck out and headed in the other direction, and a few motorists and the waitress noticed the two in dresses and high heels and gave chase.

The Officials ran by a set of park benches, ignoring the tall man in the fur hat reading a newspaper. When they passed, Nij threw the paper in a trashcan and ran the other way, Johnny still drooling on his head. Not looking, he ran headlong into Philip, and Johnny flew into the air and landed neatly on the small man's shoulders. Philip and Nij ignored one another and continued in opposite directions.

Jeremy chased Stuart.

"Wait! Why are you chasing me?"

"I dunno, it seemed like the right thing to do."

"Ah."

Jeremy continued chasing Stuart.

The wild chase finally culminated as the groups approached from opposite directions around a street corner, where they crashed together into a large heap of a couple dozen people. The Acid Hackers managed to extract themselves from the mostly unconscious pile.

"Well that was fun," Nij said.

"Yez, let uz be of doing zat again!"

"NOT YOU!," Nij shouted, as he threw Philip off his shoulders and searched the pile for Johnny.

"Dudes, why do I feel like we were just in some old Britginian comedy sketch?"

The other guys looked at Jeremy and one another questioningly, but said nothing.

"Myeurf. YAAAWN! Hey guys, where are we? We there yet?"

"It's about darn time you get up! You sleep like a furry rock. And my hair is soaked."

"You missed some good stuff, Johnny," Jake said. "Actually, I don't think we'll ever—"

"Oh, hey!" Matt pointed.

On an old-fashioned wooden sign next to them were the words WELCOME TO THE BEACH in large blue letters. The guys cheered and ran towards the sound of the nearby waves. A long gate arm lowered in front of them suddenly, which, of course, they all crashed into in various painful ways. A Beach guard stepped out of the toll booth nearby.

"I'm sorry, gentlemen, but the Beach area is now closed for the day. Thank you for your patronage! The Beach is normally open from sunrise to sunset from the first day of spring to the last day of fall, yet I regret to inform you that the Beach will be closed for the next month due to an unusual jellyfish season, so we hope to see you ag...ain...soon? AAAAAAHHglurgleblarf!"

------------------------------

In our top story tonight on CCN, a security guard at the Beach area is in critical condition after being brutally mauled in what doctors are calling a freak wildcat attack. While no wildcats have been known to live near the Beach Area in over a hundred years, Animal Control Officials aren't taking any chances, and will be canvassing the area for aggressive wild animals during an unrelated month-long closure of the Beach.

In international news, a recent uprising in the five-meter-large country of Smallvania has left Prime Minister Philip Nizz missing and presumed deceased. Due to the absence of any other citizens, a group of rebels has gained control of the nation and officially renamed it Hackerstan. More on this story as it develops.

The End

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