Special Epilogue 08:
THE BITCH AND THE BEAST, THE DIRECTOR'S CUT
A Business of War Parody by Spark Mandrill
Seeing how this ep is already up on two other sites, and I need something to spark my
creative juices, I figured I oughta do something to make this edition of B&B more
worthwhile. Who honestly cares about reading an ep thats on three different sites?
No one, thats who. Enter B&Bs White Knight: the Directors Cut, a
golden opportunity for me to make an already fairly raunchy ep plummet to the lowest
common denominator. And since, as a whole, we're not a very politically correct bunch, I
can't think of a better place for this sauccy ep. For those of you who were mentally
scarred, and can never look at anything related to Amatista the same way again, this
eps for you. Now sit back, grab a sammich, and regale in an extra page of material
guranteed to burn some of Mechanical Maniacs' most treasured characters and make you
question my taste/sanity.
The Bitch and the Beast, The Director's Cut
*Paris was a place with an Eiffel Tower, now it is a smoldering warzone. The Comrades are valiantly battling the Seven Mercenaries, but to no avail
Quint: Hey guys! Check it out! Were winning! You owe me fifty bucks, Captain Asshat.
Napalmman: *over com* Goddamnit!
*meanwhile, inside a burnt, shattered building*
Pharaoh: *clutches his shoulder* Agh! This isnt going well!
BB: *leaking vital fluids* Oh no! Theyre closing in on us!
Dive: Shaddap! Ya aint helpin!
Drill: This isnt going to work guys. Weve got go, and weve got to go now.
Toad: What about the-
Drill: We did the best we could. If we stay here any longer well be ripped to shreds.
Dust: Right! Lets go!
*the CC teleport out except Dive*
Dive: Ah shit! Where the hell did I leave my flask?!
*Dive starts rummaging through smoldering rubble for his flask as RPD Swat Joes led by Needlegal come from everywhere and surround him
Dive: Oh, goddamnit!
Needlegal: Diveman! You are under arrest for murder, drunk and disorderly conduct, grand theft auto, cruelty to animals, destruction of private property, manslaughter Fuck it. Youre just under arrest.
*later, in RPD HQs interrogation room
Needlegal: Look you creep. Youre looking at some serious time. Half the department wants your head on a platter. Just make it easy on yourself and talk.
Dive: Hockkk!! *spits into Needlegals mouth* Suck it, Wednesday Adams!
Amatista: Youre getting nowhere with him! Let me handle this!!
Crorq: *over intercom* Needleinfidel!! You and the rest of the Mechanical Infidels to my office immediately! Gablahblahblah!
Avi: *over intercom* Oh gross! Dont throw that half-chewed burrito at me!
*Needlegal and other Mechs leave the room as Amatista takes a seat in front of Diveman
Dive: Well, Sieg Hiel she-bitch. Ya look like the head on Searchmans ass.
Amatista: You make me sick. Its not enough that Scissor Army is butchering millions. No, you and your kind kill people and destroy buildings with innocent bystanders inside almost on a whim! Youre monsters!!
Dive: Yeah, cause monsters would totally end up savin St. Petersburg. Yer welcome by the way.
Amatista: Dont delude yourself. The RPD couldve defeated Mysteryman without you jeopardizing the citys safety!
Dive: Yeah, thats yer job. *cough* Brussels! *cough*
Amatista: Its not your place to criticize us! We have to do whatever it takes to keep the world safe from the SA!
Dive: Join the club. We got jackets.
Amatista: Dont you-! You and I arent anything alike! You killed people for your childish cause!
Dive: So? Ya got an entire city torn down fer YER fascist cause!
Amatista: Argh! You dick!
Dive: Yeah, well yer a bitch!
*Amatista flings herself into Divemans arms as they start passionately making out
Amatista: I I never met someone who could treat everyone like crap the way I can!
Dive: Heh I always thought I was oneuva kind
Amatista: So many lonely nights so many people to be jerks to Together!!
Dive: Shaddap and get horizontal!
*later, Dive and Amatista stagger out of the interrogation room, partially dressed
Dive: Heh. Never thought thisd happen to me
Amatista: You wont tell anyone right?
Dive: My lips are sealed.
*back at the citadel *
Dive: Yo, I nailed Amatista.
Drill: What?! Geoff, you escaped?!
Dive: Did I escape No! Tha RPD lemme out fer a lil walk! *smacks his head* O course I escaped!
BB: Howd you do that?
Dive: By nailin Amatista. Weren ya listenin?! *slaps BB on the back of the head*
Skull: What?! I lose the love of my life, but you get Amatista, just like that?! You suck!
Dive: Hugs n kisses Zy. Now get outta my way. I gotta make some calls. *dials a random phone number* Hey, this is Diveman n I jus nailed Amatista. Pass it on. *dials another random number* Yo this Diveman. No, I don know ya, but I jus tapped Amatista. Yeah, I know. Sweet huh?
*later, at Lebanon, in an alley
Amatista: *making out* I cant believe you told everybody! You dick!
Dive: *making out* I can believe no one bought it!
*later, at Kazan, behind an abandoned truck
Amatista: *making out* Mmmm .ILL GET YOU, YOU ROBOT SCUM!!
Dive: *making out* Oh yeah, thats the stuff COME N GET IT, PIGS!!
*later, at Guadeloupe, in a ruined building
Amatista: *making out* Come here big boy YOU WONT GET AWAY WITH THIS, TERRORISTS!!
Dive: Heheheh KISS MY ASS, RENT-A-COPS!! Ooh, thats freaky!!
*later, in an apartment at Novgorod Veliky
Dive: Honey, Im home! N I got us a new bidet, or ass fountain, or whatever tha hell theyre called fer our one month anniversary!
Mega Water: Wait, what?! You said we were gonna go peep on Amatista together!
Amatista: *knocks out MW* Oh Dive, you shouldnt have! *plants a wet kiss on Dives cheek* And its my color and everything!
Dive: Heheh, glad ya like it! Lets go try it out!
*later, at Jackman, in some nearby woods
Amatista: Im telling you, its your child!
Dive: No! How tha hell does that make sense?! Like at all?!
Amatista: Do you think I get around that much?! Do you even know me, like at all?!
Dive: Either tha Virgin Mary was a robophobic dominatrix, or we jus broke biology. Either way, I needa drink.
Amatista: Already got the bottle. *whips out a half empty bottle of Smirnoff*
*six months later, at St. Lukes Hospital *
Doctor: *badly beat-up* Congratulations its a bastard.
*the Doctor hands Amatista a gruff-looking cyborg baby brandishing a chain and smoking a cigarette
Amatista: My head wants to explode looking at this thing.
Doctor: Damn thing broke both my hands as I was delivering it. Now get it out of here.
Dive: *stretches* Welp, thanks fer takin care o tha rugrat fer me n-
Amatista: What?! *thrusts the kid in Dives arms* Im not raising this abomination of nature. I have a war to win!
Dive: *thrusts the baby into Amys arms* I aint payin no child support! Not fer this freak!
Amatista: *passes the kid back* Not a chance!
Dive: Im jus gonna flush it as soon as ya leave!
Amatista: *yanks the kid back* Not if I flush it first!
Doctor: Would you two just get a sitter for that thing and get the hell out of here?!
Amy and Dive: !
*later, at Monsteropolis, Crorq is debriefing the Mechanical Maniacs and Drastic Measures after their latest mission. Avi is in a Princess Leia bikini, chained to Crorqs wrist, with a band-aid on her neck
Crorq: Infidels!! How could you let the Ascendant Androids destroy some Middle East mudhole with little strategic value?!
Snakeman: *riddled with crystals* Were sor-
*Crorq shuts down Snakeman and Turboman for no real reason
Crorq: You all dont deserve to speak while youre in the presence of Crorq the MAGGNNNIFFICENT!! Now what happened out there?! I want answers!!
Crorq: Think Im talking to hear myself talk?! *turns to Snakemans corpse* ANSWER ME!! Gablahblahblahblah!!
*Crorq throws a stuffed crust cheese pizza at Avi as he shuts down Vulcan and Makenshi Shiken Max for no real reason*
Shadowman: *badly burned and missing an arm* Why did I ever agree to this job?
Needlegal: *missing an eye and covered with sidewinder shrapnel* Not a day goes by without me asking the same question.
Avi: Urge to kill...rising... *wipes ash and pizza sauce off her face*
Amatista: *plops the baby on Gauntlets lap*
Shadowman: Hey, what the-!
Amatista: Put him down for his nap at noon, feed him at five, and the cigarettes are in the top drawer. And do it right or Ill shut you down!
Dive: No, ya dumb bimbo!! Shut his sister down so that he can live with tha guilt!
Amatista: Way to think outside the box! *kisses Diveman*
Dive: Heh, thats my gal!
*later, back at the Citadel*
Dive: *smokes* Well, Im sick of her.
Drill: What? Just like that?
Dust: But you have a kid
Regulus: *nurses a black eye* More like a goddamn bastard Grrr
Dive: Whats yer point ?
Dust: Sigh Are you at least going to let her down easy?
Dive: Hell no! Ill prolly jus tap her one more time, then start datin all the cheap floozies I can get my mitts on! Shes a big girl. A surprisingly big girl.
Regdar: *in awe* You have much to teach us
BB: Dive! Dont you care about her feelings?
Dive: .Heheheh. Hahahahahaha!!
Toad: Geoff! Were being serious!!
Dive: Oh. Well, lemme laugh even harder. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
*later, at the Sizzler
Amatista: my horse, I wouldnt have spent that year in college.
Dive: *drinking heavily* Huh? Yeah, don lissen ta her. Yer totally not fat in that outfit. Or whatever it was ya were talkin bout.
Amatista: Dive I think our relationships hitting the rocks. You wont even look at me in the back of the head any more!
Dive: *slaps a waitresss ass* Oh, yeah, sure. Don lissen ta Needlegal, I didn ambush Crystalgirl with Napalmman last night. Or whatever yer accusin me of.
Amatista: Dive!! I mean, I havent even met your family
Dive: Yeah, lets think bout that fer a sec. Theyre Cossackers, n yer an RPD pig. Ya do the math.
Amatista: Pig...? *tearing up* I thought you
*Amatista breaks down in tears noisily
Dive: Ugh!! Keep it down, wouldja?! I can tap ya like this
Amatista: *buries her head* Waaaahhhh!! Teacher, make Nathan stop pouring coke down my dress! *sob* *sob*
Leon: Would you shut her ass up? Some of us are trying to eat out here.
Walter: You wouldnt like me if she got me mad...
Dive: Amy babe
Amatista: *shakes Dive off her* Waaaaahhhhh!! Mommy, nooo! I dont want any more puppy chow! *sob* *sob* *sob*
Dive: Damnit Look, babe Ill take ya firs thing in tha mornin.
Amatista: Really?? *throws herself at Dive* Oh thank you!! Thank you!!
Dive: Uh Its nuthin I guess
Amatista: Say about tonight *whispers in Dives ear*
Dive: What tha hells a Cleveland Steamer?
*that morning, at Cossacks Citadel, Dive presents a bashful Amatista to Dr. Cossack and the Comrades
Dive: Yeah, this is Amy. Ya already know er. Any questions?
Pharaoh: Whats up?
*Amatista suddenly slams Diveman to a wall and slaps handcuffs on him*
Dive: Hey, what the hell!? What is this shit!!
Amatista: Isnt it obvious, you fool?! I was using you so that we could locate your hideout!
Amatista: *speaking into a com* I found Cossacks Citadel. Mobilize the troops at these coordinates.
Dive: So ya were faking it?
Amatista: Big time.
Dive: I shoulda known! Ya bitch!
*suddenly, the citadels wall explodes as the SA closes in outside*
SA: Kill now! For Elysium awaits!
Napalmman: Alright cheesedicks, I want Brickback Mountain-
Quint: Hey is that Amatista?! Hot damn!
Sedulus: Shake it, baby!
Napalmman: Id ambush that!
Cutman: *wolf whistles*
Magnetman: *thrusts at Amatista*
Mesmerman: You dirty, dirty girl! *stuffs dollar bills into Amatistas pants*
Amatista: Stop that! Whats the meaning of this?!
Dive: Oh that. I was runnin low on beer money, so I sold those naughty pics ya gave me on the net. Yer panties too. Now, Im set fer life.
Cutman: *twirls Amys panties around his finger* Best investment I ever made!
Cossack: *sniffs Amys panties* I had to stiff Artilleryman again, but it was worth it!
Artillery: I heard that!
Dive: Ive also been makin a pretty penny on Needlegals panties.
Mysteryman: What?! Youve got access to Needlegals panties?!
Spade: And you didnt tell us?! You ass king!! *flips Diveman off*
Dive: Well actually, nah I don
Heatman: Huh? Well, whose panties are they?
Pluto: Huh? Where did all my underwear go?
*back at RPDHQ *
Crorq: *sniffing Needlegals panties* Worth every penny! Gablahblahblahah!! *throws a chalupa at Avi*
*back at the citadel, a gaggle of floozies appear from a potted plant and cling to Diveman as Amatista shakes with rage,
Floozy: Are you coming big guy?
Dive: Wait fer me in the hot tub, hot stuff. Ill be in jus a sec. *slaps the floozy on the ass*
Amatista: I dont believe this!! Youve ruined me!! For beer money!!
Napalmman: Uh Hello?
Dive: Hows that my problem?
*snarling with rage, Amatista wraps her jeweled chain around Dives neck*
Amatista: Ill show you how its your problem, you dick!
Dive: Serves ya right, ya back-stabbin bitch!
Dive & Amatista: *passionately making out*
Dive: Lets never fight again, sweetie!
Amatista: Screw you! Do you have any idea how much these spats turn me on?
Napalmman: Hello ??
Dive: Tough luck, tuts. Ya live with me, ya play by my rules!
Amatista: *slaps Dive* You dick!
Dive & Amatista: *start tearing their clothes off*
Crystalgirl: Uh Were still here
Amatista: I dont care! Let them watch!
*Dive and Amatista kiss and make up in front of everybody Later
Wraithman: Do you take this bitch to be lawfully wedded harpy?
Dive: *in a tux* Well, its not like Im gonna find anyone better
Wraithman: And do you take this dick to be your lawfully wedded asswipe?
Amatista: *in a wedding dress* Only so that I can make his life a living hell later.
Wraithman: Sigh Then I pronounce you two dick and bitch. May God have mercy on us all.
Dive & Amatista: Cause we sure wont! *make out*
Napalmman: *sniff* I promised myself I wouldnt cry
*Diveman carries Amatista out to Turboman, whos shutdown in his car form and drive off, dragging bits and pieces of Junkman behind them. A few months later
Shadowman: *being mauled by more cyborg infants* Goddamnit Just shoot me.
Amatista: *in a skimpy mini-skirt and tank top* Dont forget to change them at six.
Crorq: Me too! Gablahblahblahblah!! *throws a Krustyburger at Avi*
Dive: Cmon, babe! Weve gotta double date with Napalmman n Crystalgirl in half n hour!