Special Epilogue 08:
A Business of War Parody by Spark Mandrill

Seeing how this ep is already up on two other sites, and I need something to spark my creative juices, I figured I oughta do something to make this edition of B&B more worthwhile. Who honestly cares about reading an ep that’s on three different sites? No one, that’s who. Enter B&B’s White Knight: the Director’s Cut, a golden opportunity for me to make an already fairly raunchy ep plummet to the lowest common denominator. And since, as a whole, we're not a very politically correct bunch, I can't think of a better place for this sauccy ep. For those of you who were mentally scarred, and can never look at anything related to Amatista the same way again, this ep’s for you. Now sit back, grab a sammich, and regale in an extra page of material guranteed to burn some of Mechanical Maniacs' most treasured characters and make you question my taste/sanity.

The Bitch and the Beast, The Director's Cut

*Paris was a place with an Eiffel Tower, now it is a smoldering warzone. The Comrades are valiantly battling the Seven Mercenaries, but to no avail

Quint: Hey guys! Check it out! We’re winning! You owe me fifty bucks, Captain Asshat.

Napalmman: *over com* Goddamnit!

*meanwhile, inside a burnt, shattered building*

Pharaoh: *clutches his shoulder* Agh! This isn’t going well!

BB: *leaking vital fluids* Oh no! They’re closing in on us!

Dive: Shaddap! Ya ain’t helpin’!

Drill: This isn’t going to work guys. We’ve got go, and we’ve got to go now.

Toad: What about the-

Drill: We did the best we could. If we stay here any longer we’ll be ripped to shreds.

UpgradeDust.gif (1714 bytes) Dust: Right! Let’s go!

*the CC teleport out except Dive*

Dive: Ah shit! Where the hell did I leave my flask?!

*Dive starts rummaging through smoldering rubble for his flask as RPD Swat Joes led by Needlegal come from everywhere and surround him

Dive: Oh, goddamnit!

Needlegal: Diveman! You are under arrest for murder, drunk and disorderly conduct, grand theft auto, cruelty to animals, destruction of private property, manslaughter…Fuck it. You’re just under arrest.

*later, in RPD HQ’s interrogation room

Needlegal: Look you creep. You’re looking at some serious time. Half the department wants your head on a platter. Just make it easy on yourself and talk.

Dive: Hockkk!! *spits into Needlegal’s mouth* Suck it, Wednesday Adams!

Amatista: You’re getting nowhere with him! Let me handle this!!

Crorq: *over intercom* Needleinfidel!! You and the rest of the Mechanical Infidels to my office immediately! Gablahblahblah!

Avi: *over intercom* Oh gross! Don’t throw that half-chewed burrito at me!

Needlegal: …Fine…

*Needlegal and other Mechs leave the room as Amatista takes a seat in front of Diveman

Dive: Well, Sieg Hiel she-bitch. Ya look like the head on Searchman’s ass.

Amatista: You make me sick. It’s not enough that Scissor Army is butchering millions. No, you and your kind kill people and destroy buildings with innocent bystanders inside almost on a whim! You’re monsters!!

Dive: Yeah, ‘cause monsters would totally end up savin’ St. Petersburg. Yer welcome by the way.

Amatista: Don’t delude yourself. The RPD could’ve defeated Mysteryman without you jeopardizing the city’s safety!

Dive: Yeah, that’s yer job. *cough* Brussels! *cough*

Amatista: It’s not your place to criticize us! We have to do whatever it takes to keep the world safe from the SA!

Dive: Join the club. We got jackets.

Amatista: Don’t you-! You and I aren’t anything alike! You killed people for your childish cause!

Dive: So? Ya got an entire city torn down fer YER fascist cause!

Amatista: Argh! You dick!

Dive: Yeah, well yer a bitch!

*Amatista flings herself into Diveman’s arms as they start passionately making out

Amatista: …I…I never met someone who could treat everyone like crap the way I can!

Dive: Heh…I always thought I was oneuva kind…

Amatista: So many lonely nights…so many people to be jerks to…Together!!

Dive: Shaddap and get horizontal!

*later, Dive and Amatista stagger out of the interrogation room, partially dressed

Dive: Heh. Never thought this’d happen to me…

Amatista: …You won’t tell anyone…right?

Dive: My lips are sealed.

*back at the citadel…*

Dive: Yo, I nailed Amatista.

UpgradeDrill.gif (1635 bytes) Drill: What?! Geoff, you escaped?!

Dive: Did I escape…No! Tha RPD lemme out fer a l’il walk! *smacks his head* O’ course I escaped!

UpgradBright.gif (1538 bytes) BB: How’d you do that?

Dive: …By nailin’ Amatista. Weren’ ya listenin’?! *slaps BB on the back of the head*

Skull: What?! I lose the love of my life, but you get Amatista, just like that?! You suck!

Dive: Hugs ‘n kisses Zy. Now get outta my way. I gotta make some calls. *dials a random phone number* Hey, this is Diveman ‘n I jus’ nailed Amatista. Pass it on. *dials another random number* Yo this Diveman. No, I don’ know ya, but I jus’ tapped Amatista. Yeah, I know. Sweet huh?

*later, at Lebanon, in an alley…

Amatista: *making out* I can’t believe you told everybody! You dick!

Dive: *making out* I can’ believe no one bought it!

*later, at Kazan, behind an abandoned truck…

Amatista: *making out* Mmmm….I’LL GET YOU, YOU ROBOT SCUM!!

Dive: *making out* Oh yeah, that’s the stuff…COME ‘N GET IT, PIGS!!

*later, at Guadeloupe, in a ruined building…

Amatista: *making out* Come here big boy…YOU WON’T GET AWAY WITH THIS, TERRORISTS!!

Dive: Heheheh…KISS MY ASS, RENT-A-COPS!! Ooh, that’s freaky!!

*later, in an apartment at Novgorod Veliky…

Dive: Honey, I’m home! ‘N I got us a new bidet, or ass fountain, or whatever tha hell they’re called fer our one month anniversary!

Mega Water: Wait, what?! You said we were gonna go peep on Amatista together!

Amatista: *knocks out MW* Oh Dive, you shouldn’t have! *plants a wet kiss on Dive’s cheek* And it’s my color and everything!

Dive: Heheh, glad ya like it! Let’s go try it out!

*later, at Jackman, in some nearby woods…

Amatista: I’m telling you, it’s your child!

Dive: No! How tha hell does that make sense?! Like…at all?!

Amatista: Do you think I get around that much?! Do you even know me, like…at all?!

Dive: …Either tha Virgin Mary was a robophobic dominatrix, or we jus’ broke biology. Either way, I needa drink.

Amatista: Already got the bottle. *whips out a half empty bottle of Smirnoff*

*six months later, at St. Luke’s Hospital…*

Doctor: *badly beat-up* Congratulations…it’s a bastard.

*the Doctor hands Amatista a gruff-looking cyborg baby brandishing a chain and smoking a cigarette

Amatista: …My head wants to explode looking at this thing.

Doctor: Damn thing broke both my hands as I was delivering it. Now get it out of here.

Dive: *stretches* Welp, thanks fer takin’ care o’ tha rugrat fer me ‘n-

Amatista: What?! *thrusts the kid in Dive’s arms* I’m not raising this abomination of nature. I have a war to win!

Dive: *thrusts the baby into Amy’s arms* I ain’t payin’ no child support! Not fer this freak!

Amatista: *passes the kid back* Not a chance!

Dive: I’m jus’ gonna flush it as soon as ya leave!

Amatista: *yanks the kid back* Not if I flush it first!

Doctor: Would you two just get a sitter for that thing and get the hell out of here?!

Amy and Dive: …!

*later, at Monsteropolis, Crorq is debriefing the Mechanical Maniacs and Drastic Measures after their latest mission. Avi is in a Princess Leia bikini, chained to Crorq’s wrist, with a band-aid on her neck

Crorq: Infidels!! How could you let the Ascendant Androids destroy some Middle East mudhole with little strategic value?!

Snakeman: *riddled with crystals* We’re sor-

Crorq: Silence!

*Crorq shuts down Snakeman…and Turboman for no real reason

Crorq: You all don’t deserve to speak while you’re in the presence of Crorq the MAGGNNNIFFICENT!! Now what happened out there?! I want answers!!

All: ….

Crorq: Think I’m talking to hear myself talk?! *turns to Snakeman’s corpse* ANSWER ME!! Gablahblahblahblah!!

*Crorq throws a stuffed crust cheese pizza at Avi as he shuts down Vulcan and Makenshi Shiken Max for no real reason*

Shadowman: *badly burned and missing an arm*…Why did I ever agree to this job?

needlegal.gif (663 bytes) Needlegal: *missing an eye and covered with sidewinder shrapnel* Not a day goes by without me asking the same question.

Avi: Urge to kill...rising... *wipes ash and pizza sauce off her face*

Amatista: *plops the baby on Gauntlet’s lap*

Shadowman: Hey, what the-!

Amatista: Put him down for his nap at noon, feed him at five, and the cigarettes are in the top drawer. And do it right or I’ll shut you down!

Dive: No, ya dumb bimbo!! Shut his sister down so that he can live with tha guilt!

Amatista: Way to think outside the box! *kisses Diveman*

Dive: Heh, that’s my gal!

*later, back at the Citadel*

Dive: *smokes* Well, I’m sick of her.

Drill: What? Just like that?

Dust: But you have a kid…

Regulus: *nurses a black eye* More like a goddamn bastard…Grrr…

Dive: …What’s yer point…?

Dust: Sigh…Are you at least going to let her down easy?

Dive: Hell no! I’ll prolly jus’ tap her one more time, then start datin’ all the cheap floozies I can get my mitts on! She’s a big girl. A surprisingly big girl.

Regdar: *in awe* …You have much to teach us…

BB: Dive! Don’t you care about her feelings?

Dive: ….Heheheh. Hahahahahaha!!

Toad: Geoff! We’re being serious!!

Dive: Oh. Well, lemme laugh even harder. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

*later, at the Sizzler…

Amatista: …my horse, I wouldn’t have spent that year in college.

Dive: *drinking heavily* Huh? Yeah, don’ lissen ta her. Yer totally not fat in that outfit. Or whatever it was ya were talkin’ ‘bout.

Amatista: …Dive…I think our relationship’s hitting the rocks. You won’t even look at me in the back of the head any more!

Dive: *slaps a waitress’s ass* Oh, yeah, sure. Don’ lissen ta Needlegal, I didn’ ambush Crystalgirl with Napalmman last night. Or whatever yer accusin’ me of.

Amatista: Dive!! I mean, I haven’t even met your family…

Dive: Yeah, let’s think ‘bout that fer a sec. They’re Cossackers, ‘n yer an RPD pig. Ya do the math.

Amatista: Pig...? *tearing up* I thought…you…

Dive: Nope.

*Amatista breaks down in tears…noisily

Dive: Ugh!! Keep it down, wouldja?! I can’ tap ya like this…

Amatista: *buries her head* Waaaahhhh!! Teacher, make Nathan stop pouring coke down my dress! *sob* *sob*

Leon: Would you shut her ass up? Some of us are trying to eat out here.

Apple: Seriously!

Walter: You wouldn’t like me if she got me mad...

Dive: Amy…babe…

Amatista: *shakes Dive off her* Waaaaahhhhh!! Mommy, nooo! I don’t want any more puppy chow! *sob* *sob* *sob*

Dive: Damnit… Look, babe I’ll take ya firs’ thing in tha mornin’.

Amatista: Really?? *throws herself at Dive* Oh thank you!! Thank you!!

Dive: Uh…It’s nuthin’…I guess…

Amatista: Say…about tonight…*whispers in Dive’s ear*

Dive: …What tha hell’s a Cleveland Steamer?

*that morning, at Cossack’s Citadel, Dive presents a bashful Amatista to Dr. Cossack and the Comrades

Dive: Yeah, this is Amy. Ya already know ‘er. Any questions?

BB: Hi!

Pharaoh: What’s up?

*Amatista suddenly slams Diveman to a wall and slaps handcuffs on him*

Dive: Hey, what the hell!? What is this shit!!

Amatista: Isn’t it obvious, you fool?! I was using you so that we could locate your hideout!

Comrades: What?!

Amatista: *speaking into a com* I found Cossack’s Citadel. Mobilize the troops at these coordinates.

Dive: …So ya were faking it?

Amatista: Big time.

Dive: I shoulda known! Ya bitch!

*suddenly, the citadel’s wall explodes as the SA closes in outside*

SA: Kill now! For Elysium awaits!

Napalmman: Alright cheesedicks, I want Brickback Mountain-

Quint: Hey is that Amatista?! Hot damn!

Sedulus: Shake it, baby!

Napalmman: I’d ambush that!

Cutman: *wolf whistles*

Magnetman: *thrusts at Amatista*

Mesmerman: You dirty, dirty girl! *stuffs dollar bills into Amatista’s pants*

Amatista: Stop that! What’s the meaning of this?!

Dive: Oh that. I was runnin’ low on beer money, so I sold those naughty pics ya gave me on the net. Yer panties too. Now, I’m set fer life.

Cutman: *twirls Amy’s panties around his finger* Best investment I ever made!

Cossack: *sniffs Amy’s panties* I had to stiff Artilleryman again, but it was worth it!

Artillery: I heard that!

Amatista: …!!

Dive: I’ve also been makin’ a pretty penny on Needlegal’s panties.

Mysteryman: What?! You’ve got access to Needlegal’s panties?!

Spade: And you didn’t tell us?! You ass king!! *flips Diveman off*

Dive: Well actually, nah I don’…

Heatman: Huh? Well, whose panties are they?


Pluto: Huh? Where did all my underwear go?

*back at RPDHQ…*

Crorq: *sniffing “Needlegal’s” panties* Worth every penny! Gablahblahblahah!! *throws a chalupa at Avi*

*back at the citadel, a gaggle of floozies appear from a potted plant and cling to Diveman as Amatista shakes with rage,

Floozy: Are you coming big guy?

Dive: Wait fer me in the hot tub, hot stuff. I’ll be in jus’ a sec. *slaps the floozy on the ass*

Amatista: …I don’t believe this!! You’ve ruined me!! For beer money!!

Napalmman: Uh…Hello?

Dive: How’s that my problem?

*snarling with rage, Amatista wraps her jeweled chain around Dive’s neck*

Amatista: I’ll show you how it’s your problem, you dick!

Dive: Serves ya right, ya back-stabbin’ bitch!

Dive & Amatista: *passionately making out*

Dive: Let’s never fight again, sweetie!

Amatista: Screw you! Do you have any idea how much these spats turn me on?

Napalmman: Hello…??

Dive: Tough luck, tuts. Ya live with me, ya play by my rules!

Amatista: *slaps Dive* You dick!

Dive & Amatista: *start tearing their clothes off*

Crystalgirl: …Uh…We’re still…here…

Amatista: I don’t care! Let them watch!


*Dive and Amatista kiss and make up in front of everybody…Later…

Wraithman: Do you take this bitch to be lawfully wedded harpy?

Dive: *in a tux* Well, it’s not like I’m gonna find anyone better…

Wraithman: And do you take this dick to be your lawfully wedded asswipe?

Amatista: *in a wedding dress* Only so that I can make his life a living hell later.

Wraithman: Sigh…Then I pronounce you two dick and bitch. May God have mercy on us all.

Dive & Amatista: …’Cause we sure won’t! *make out*

Napalmman: *sniff* I promised myself I wouldn’t cry…

*Diveman carries Amatista out to Turboman, who’s shutdown in his car form and drive off, dragging bits and pieces of Junkman behind them. A few months later…

Shadowman: *being mauled by more cyborg infants* …Goddamnit…Just shoot me.

Amatista: *in a skimpy mini-skirt and tank top* Don’t forget to change them at six.

crorq.gif (1896 bytes) Crorq: Me too! Gablahblahblahblah!! *throws a Krustyburger at Avi*

Dive: C’mon, babe! We’ve gotta double date with Napalmman ‘n Crystalgirl in half ‘n hour!