Special Epilogue 09:
THE RPD'S FINEST
Another Business of War Parody by Spark Mandrill
Featuring Interjections by Vulcan
*Izhaevsk is a place with a... gun factory? Yeah, let's go with that. Now it is a smoldering warzone*
Vulcan: I just had to see this to believe it: The Ascendant Androids are now Cutmans Lapdogs.
Napalmman: Lapdogs? Well what do you expect, Pixie Stick?! You left the armors at Cutman's secret base in Desert Gulch!
Vulcan: Cutman's base is in Desert Gulch?
Napalmman: Ah, fuck me did I say that out loud?
Vulcan: Waitaminute... didn't I seal the armors in New Jersey?
*Later, back at Elysium*
CrystalChan: You told the RPD where one of our bases was?! What the hell were you thinking, you stupid bastard?!
Napalmman: Shut up, Gypsy Bitch. Nothings gonna come of it.
CrystalChan: Nothings gonna come of it?! Out of telling them WHERE OUR BASE IS?! Do you listen to yourself talk?!
Napalmman: You don't know RPD that well...do you?
*Back at RPD HQ*
Vulcan: Hey Crorq, I found the SAs headquarters while I was in Izhaevsk! Theyre in some town called Desert Gulch.
Crorq: How could you fail to secure Izhaevsk?! Are you trying to raise my ire??!
Vulcan: But... I found the SAs Headquarters!
Crorq: What is your excuse?! Your first two missions were successful! How could you fail this one?! Didnt you think Id notice?!
Vulcan: Theyre in Desert Gulch ! Its an abandoned mining town. In Arizona!
Crorq: I mean, thats one failed mission! Thats one away from two!! Two, I say!! Im this close to shutting you down, you lousy, washed-up infidel!!
Vulcan: Are you even listening to me?
Crorq: I am Crorq!! THE MAGNIFICENT! Listening is for other people! Gablahblahblahblah!! *throws a sloppy joe at Avi*
Vulcan: Fuck it
*back at Elysium*
CrystalChan: Thats bullshit. How can whats basically, a well-funded, well organized, highly-trained global army, armed with the latest of modern weaponry be that incompetent?
Mechanical Maniacs: *drinking at Hardmans Bar* We hate our lives!
Crorq: *shuts the Mechs down* I did that because I could!! Gablahblahblahblah! *throws a chicken wing at Avi*
Avi: *dons a bloody hockey mask* Senator Hugo, you know what I think of this Shutdown Act?! It's the biggest, darndest...*chases after him with a hatchet*
Vulcan: I am here, and I exist.
Yeah, things haven't been going so well. Shit has been coming at me so fast these days, I can barely keep up. I guess it's things like this that separate the men from the boys. Stuff like this could drive a normal man insane. But Im only a man. Its only a question of when before I reach my breaking point. How long can I keep it together?
Maks: I keep telling you, I'm not Maks, I'm Max!
Junkman: ...I called you "Max", Makenshi.
This is just another day in my life. Hey Maks. Whats up Maks? Did you see Desperate Housewives last night, Maks? No matter how far I run, my past mistakes just keeps catching up with me... These vultures will never stop picking at the scabs No, never
I get no respect around here. Between the AA dragging our name in the mud-
Huh? Is this still my inner monologue?
Oh goddammit, not again.
Maybe we shouldn't have fucked around during Stage 2...
Junkman: Oh god, my teammates are gone! Never to be seen again!
Turboman: Dude, I just have gas.
Springman: And I stubbed my toe.
Junkman: NEVER TO BE SEEN AGAIN! KHAN!! KHHHHHAAANNN!!
Clownman: Arg, why cant we get any respect? *SAD CLOWN*
*suddenly, a bunch of RPD troopers inexplicably keel over*
Saturn: Ha! I told you I could shutdown 5000 of them! Pay, up sucker!
Regdar: How about the best three out of five?
Skullman: You didnt cut off anyone's hands for that watcher pad. It doesnt count.
Gaderhem: Behold! Our Special Forces! Put quite simply, theyre massed-produced Gammas Armors that are just powerful and durable. The enemy wont know what hit em!
*the Armored Assassins show up out of nowhere shoot the Special Forces in the head, taking them down instantly*
Amatista: *strangling Naop* I hate robots!! Robots are evil! Theyre all ruthless zealots wholl stop at nothing to destroy everything we love!
Bystander: But that one just rescued me back in Johannesburg.
Amatista: Who cares?! Theyre all dangerous! Thats my story and Im sticking to it! And if you dont buy it, youre a terrorist too!
Diveman: *in a tight leopardskin thong* Hey, baby. *pelvic thrusts*
Amatista and Diveman: *passionately making out*
Avi: *chasing Sen Hugo with a chainsaw *...until the handle breaks off, and you have to call a doctor to pull it out again! *slices his head off*
Foxglove: Oh, thank you for helping repel the Scissor Army! Here, take this! *hands over her life savings*
Cosmic Gladiators: Thanks!
Pharaohman: Uh, miss? You dropped this.
Foxglove: Oh, my lipstick! Oh thank you so much! Here, take me! *flings herself at Pharaoh*
*back at Elysium...*
CrystalChan: Wow...What the hell is wrong with these people? Seriously!
Napalmman: I try not to think about it.