Special Epilogue 09:
Another Business of War Parody by Spark Mandrill
Featuring Interjections by Vulcan

*Izhaevsk is a place with a... gun factory? Yeah, let's go with that. Now it is a smoldering warzone*

Vulcan: I just had to see this to believe it: The Ascendant Androids are now Cutman’s Lapdogs.

Napalmman: Lapdogs? Well what do you expect, Pixie Stick?! You left the armors at Cutman's secret base in Desert Gulch!

Vulcan: Cutman's base is in Desert Gulch?

Napalmman: Ah, fuck me… did I say that out loud?

Vulcan: Waitaminute... didn't I seal the armors in New Jersey?

*Later, back at Elysium*

CrystalChan: You told the RPD where one of our bases was?! What the hell were you thinking, you stupid bastard?!

Napalmman: Shut up, Gypsy Bitch. Nothing’s gonna come of it.

CrystalChan: Nothing’s gonna come of it?! Out of telling them WHERE OUR BASE IS?! Do you listen to yourself talk?!

Napalmman: …You don't know RPD that well...do you?

*Back at RPD HQ*

Vulcan: Hey Crorq, I found the SA’s headquarters while I was in Izhaevsk! They’re in some town called Desert Gulch.

Crorq: Infidel!!

Vulcan: Huh?

Crorq: How could you fail to secure Izhaevsk?! Are you trying to raise my ire??!

Vulcan: But... I found the SA’s Headquarters!

Crorq: What is your excuse?! Your first two missions were successful! How could you fail this one?! Didn’t you think I’d notice?!

Vulcan: They’re in Desert Gulch…! It’s an abandoned mining town. In Arizona!

Crorq: I mean, that’s one failed mission! That’s one away from two!! Two, I say!! I’m this close to shutting you down, you lousy, washed-up infidel!!

Vulcan: …Are you even listening to me?

Crorq: I am Crorq!! THE MAGNIFICENT! Listening is for other people! Gablahblahblahblah!! *throws a sloppy joe at Avi*

Vulcan: Fuck it…

*back at Elysium*

CrystalChan: That’s bullshit. How can what’s basically, a well-funded, well organized, highly-trained global army, armed with the latest of modern weaponry be that incompetent?



Mechanical Maniacs: *drinking at Hardman’s Bar* We hate our lives!

Crorq: *shuts the Mechs down* I did that because I could!! Gablahblahblahblah! *throws a chicken wing at Avi*

burst.gif (1397 bytes) Avi: *dons a bloody hockey mask* Senator Hugo, you know what I think of this Shutdown Act?! It's the biggest, darndest...*chases after him with a hatchet*

Vulcan: I am here, and I exist.

Yeah, things haven't been going so well. Shit has been coming at me so fast these days, I can barely keep up. I guess it's things like this that separate the men from the boys. Stuff like this could drive a normal man insane. But I’m only a man. It’s only a question of when before I reach my breaking point. How long can I keep it together?

Maks: I keep telling you, I'm not Maks, I'm Max!

Junkman: ...I called you "Max", Makenshi.

This is just another day in my life. Hey Maks. What’s up Maks? Did you see Desperate Housewives last night, Maks? No matter how far I run, my past mistakes just keeps catching up with me... These vultures will never stop picking at the scabs… No, never…

I get no respect around here. Between the AA dragging our name in the mud-

Huh? Is this still my inner monologue?

Oh goddammit, not again.

Maybe we shouldn't have fucked around during Stage 2...

Junkman: Oh god, my teammates are gone! Never to be seen again!

Turboman: Dude, I just have gas.

Springman: And I stubbed my toe.


Clownman: Arg, why can’t we get any respect? *SAD CLOWN*

*suddenly, a bunch of RPD troopers inexplicably keel over*

Saturn: Ha! I told you I could shutdown 5000 of them! Pay, up sucker!

Regdar: How about the best three out of five?

Skullman: You didn’t cut off anyone's hands for that watcher pad. It doesn’t count.

Gaderhem: Behold! Our Special Forces! Put quite simply, they’re massed-produced Gammas Armors that are just powerful and durable. The enemy won’t know what hit ‘em!

*the Armored Assassins show up out of nowhere shoot the Special Forces in the head, taking them down instantly*

Assassins: Yeehaw!!


Amatista: *strangling Naop* I hate robots!! Robots are evil! They’re all ruthless zealots who’ll stop at nothing to destroy everything we love!

Bystander: But that one just rescued me back in Johannesburg.

Amatista: Who cares?! They’re all dangerous! That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! And if you don’t buy it, you’re a terrorist too!

Diveman: *in a tight leopardskin thong* Hey, baby. *pelvic thrusts*

Amatista and Diveman: *passionately making out*

Avi: *chasing Sen Hugo with a chainsaw *...until the handle breaks off, and you have to call a doctor to pull it out again! *slices his head off*

Foxglove: Oh, thank you for helping repel the Scissor Army! Here, take this! *hands over her life savings*

Cosmic Gladiators: Thanks!

Pharaohman: Uh, miss? You dropped this.

Foxglove: Oh, my lipstick! Oh thank you so much! Here, take me! *flings herself at Pharaoh*

Pharaohman: Thanks!

*back at Elysium...*

CrystalChan: Wow...What the hell is wrong with these people? Seriously!

Napalmman: I try not to think about it.