Cossack's Comrades

Alpha Season 2: Epilogue 10

Incredible Home Makeover part 1

By Rebel40000

Narrator: So it's a brand new day at the Comrades' place. Lot's of crap happens, blah, blah, blah I need coffee.

*In the kitchen*

Dr. Cossack: Kalinka, could you pass me the salt?

Kalinka: Father, I don't have the salt.

Dr. Cossack: Then who has the salt?!

Bob: Sorry, Dr. Cossack, Jack Jack knocked it off the table. It should be below your feet.

Dr. Cossack: ...Wait, you want me to bend down, and waste perfectly good energy? Energy that I could be using to EAT?!?!

Bob: It's not that hard, doctor. Look, I'll even lift the table for you.

Dr. Cossack: No! I will not have it anymore!

Kalinka: Father...

Helen: *Walks in from the kitchen* What's going on?

Bob: Honey... I think we're about to get thrown out.

*At the Comrades*

Dash: Hey Pharaoh, you want to play some video games? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh?!

Pharaoh: *Sleeping* Shut... up.......

Dash: But I'm bored!! Wake up! *Starts jumping on Pharaoh at an insane speed*

Pharaoh: *Wakes up and blasts Dash*

Dash: *At the door* You missed me you loser!

Pharaoh: Grr... DAMN YOU!!

*Pharaoh chases after Dash while throwing mulitple fireballs in an attempt to kill him. He eventually stops as Violet catches both of them*

Drill: Shibbie, Pharaoh, I never thought you were so good with kids!

Pharaoh: Oh, knock it off and get me out of here.

Vi: *Releases Pharaoh* Dash, your coming with me.

Dash: NO! I don't wanna! Lemme go!

Ring: Hey nows, you kids outta be playing somes tic-tac-toes...

Pharaoh: Shut up Ring.

Ring: Okies.

Bob: *Knocks the door down* Kids, we're leaving.

Vi and Dash: Huh? But why?

Helen: Because Dr. Cossack is kicking us out.

Drill: Oh God dammit.

Dust: WHY LORD, WHY?!?!?!

Toad: I know how you feel, Dust. But I didn't think you'd take it so seriously.

Dust: Not that-- he knocked down the door again! I can't work like this! *runs off screaming*

Toad: God and I thought everyone else had problems.

*Dr. Cossack then comes downstairs, followed by Kalinka with a rifle in her hands*

Dr. Cossack: Uh, well. Good news. I decided to not kick you out.

Incredibles: Yay!

Dr. Cossack: Instead I'll be kicking you out in a week.

Incredibles: Boo!

Kalinka: Fortunately, FATHER *pokes Cossack with the rifle* took the liberty to call Extreme Home Makeover to build a new house. Isn't that right?

Dr. Cossack: Uh... yeah. I did. Heheheheh... *sweatdrop*

Helen: But that's out of a million other people with needs... What are the chances?

Toad: About a million to absolute zilch. Yep, your all screwed.

Silent Bob: *Nods in agreement*

Jay: Bob, get over here! We need to fucking get down to selling some joints again!

Silent Bob: *Runs off*

*At the Extreme Makeover bus, Ty views all of the entries*

Ty: Let's see... Man got eaten by dog... nope. Too boring. Lady and child set on fire. Did that last week. What's this? Oh, this looks cool! *Runs off to the front* Guys! We have a new family with new problems!

Micheal: Yay! Oh, can I see it Ty? Pleeeeease?

Ty: How about, fuck no, and get the hell away from me?

Paul: Psst, Ty. We're recording.

Ty: Shit! Um... Anyways, we've got this new job. Here it is. *Pops the tape in*

Dr. Cossack: Hi, I'm Dr. Cossack, and this is my lovely daughter, Kalinka.

Kalinka: *Loads a rifle* Nice to meet you all. This isn't for us, it's more for friends living with us.

Dr. Cossack: Oh yes... It's such a sad, sad tale... Where oh where should I begin?

Kalinka: Can it, and let me do the talking.

Dr. Cossack: Okay.

Kalinka: Our friends are the Parrs.

Preston: Achoo!

Tracy: Preston!

Preston: What? All I did was sneeze at the funny name! You can't hate me for that!

Michael: A little late for that, it seems...

Preston: Shut up, you fag.

Michael: Ty, he's being mean to me!

Everyone: Shh!

Kalinka: Their house was destroyed a little while ago, and they've been living with us since. Unfortunately, we apparently can't handle the burden and--

Dr. Cossack: Oh! The carnage! Get them out of my house! PLEASE I BEG YOU!! *Gets dragged off*

Kalinka: Thank you for your time. Bye-bye! *Off camera* You are so dead mister...

Dr. Cossack: Mercy...

Ty: *Puts the tape away* Okay, so here's the thing. We've got some fucked up people, with some even more fucked up guests. And we gotta build them a house, in less the seven days. Can we do this?!

Everyone: No!

Ty: Wrong answer, but I'll buy it! Let's go!!

Constance: Oh and Ty... you just cussed up the yin-yang.

Ty: Crap... Just, edit it out when we're done.

*The next day*

Ty: Okay, are we all ready?

Micheal: Ready, freddy! *Giggles*

Preston: God, do you ever shut up?

Ty: *Pulls out a speaker phone* GOOOOOD MORNING PARR AND COSSACK FAMILIES!!!!

*Half an hour later...*

Tracy: Got any nines?

Paul: Go fish. Now take off the top.

Tracy: Oh, fine...

Ty: God, where are they?

Preston: They probably sensed Micheal's gayness and ran off.

Micheal: Hey! Rainbows are good for you, ya know!

Dive: *Steps outside* Mail Man! What're you doing here with all these people?!

Ty: No, I'm not the Mail Man. I'm Ty, from Extreme Home Makeover!

Dive: Sorry, never heard of ya, and I don't watch those crappy designer shows.

Ring: *Jumps on Dive's head* I do! You're my hero! Can I have your autograph?

Ty: Sorry, but ever since my signed underwear was given away at an auction to a bunch of rabid fangirls, I don't do that anymore.

Ring and Dive: Eww....

Dr. Cossack: *Insanely high-pitched scream* You're here! You're here! You're finally here! Get them out! Get them out! Get them out!

Bob: So you guys must the Makeover guys, huh.... Nice to meet you. I'm Bob Parr, and this is my wife, Helen. Those are my kids, Violet, Dashill, and Jack Jack.

Ty: *Shakes hands with everyone* It's nice to meet you all! I promise we'll make the perfect home for all of you.

Bright: *Sniffs Preston* Joo smells like tacos!

Preston: Told ya they were retarded. Pay up.

Paul: Dang it all. Tracy, you can put the top down.

Everyone (except women (and Micheal)): Aw...

Ty: So here's what we're gonna do. We're going to send you all to Disney World.

Dr. Cossack: Woohoo!

Ty: ...The Parrs. Not you, Dr. Cossack.

Dr. Cossack: That wasn't me. That was Kalinka.

Kalinka: *Pulls out the rifle and points it at Cossack*

Dr. Cossack: Well crud.

Ty: So get in the limo! We'll be knockin' the house down shortly!

Dust: No offense... but what house?

Ty: Huh?

Constance: Their house was destroyed, remember?

Ty: Oh yeah... Well, where did you used to live?

Bob: In America.

Ty: You're kidding. We came to RUSSIA to do this, and you want us to go all the way BACK?

Ring: Never you fear, Ty! For I have brought a piece of the house with me! *Throws a rusty old nail on the ground*

Jack Jack: Naily!

Preston: Oh, this is just stupid. I'm leaving for this episode. Sorry, guys. *Leaves*

Ty: ...Doesn't matter. It'll have to make do.

Drill: Oh yeah, could build the house near here? Vi is my girlfriend and all...

Paige: Aw, how sweet. Don't worry, we'll build the house close! *Smiles*

Skull: *Goes blind*

Toad: Skull! You okay?

Skull: It... was just so... bright and ugly...

Bright: 'Scuse mah boy?

Ty: Right. Whatever. Parrs, just get in the limo.

*As the limo drives off, Ty takes the all ready constructed blue prints to a place about a half a mile away from the Cossack's*

Ty: Okay, okay. Let's get this over with. *Places the rusted nail on the ground*

Dive: Why are we still here?

Ring: For the demolition!

Dust: Demolition?

Ring: Oh yeah, of course. Each episode starts with demolishing the old house so they can build a new house on top of it.

Pharaoh: What house?! Last I checked, a nail didn't qualify for a stupid house!!

Ring: Meh, Ty'll think of something...

Ty: Damn straight I will. Drill, do you have the Parrs number? I forgot it since we were in a rush.

Drill: Sure thing.

Ty: Okay, cool. *Calls the Parrs*

Vi: Hello?

Ty: Hello, is this Violet?

Vi: Yes.

Ty: Okay, this is Ty. I would like you to turn on the plasma TV in the back of the limo, please.

Vi: *Turns on the TV* Hey! I see you!

Ty: Of course, that's because I have a camera with me. You can turn the phone off now.

Bob: What is he up to...?

Ty: You're about to find out, my friend. Watch that nail in the middle.

Jack Jack: Naily!

Ty: Since we don't have a real house, this will just have to make do. Are you guys ready?

Paul: I'm ready!

Micheal: Ooh! I'm ready too!! Heehee!

Paige: Good to go here!

Constance: Same here, Ty!

Tracy: Can we just get this over with? I have a facial at three.

Ty: All right then. FIRE THE NUKES!!!!!

Skull: Wait, did he just say--


Skull: *Blackened* ...Nukes?

Kalinka: Oh my.

Dr. Cossack: No! My labcoat is ruined! Now I'll have to buy another one by going on the Internet! Curse you all!


Bright: Hey, we be allz smellin' like tacos now! *Bites Ring's hand*

Ring: THE PAIN!! *Runs off and steps on a land mine* EVEN MORE PAIN!!!

Vi: Poor Ring Man.

Ty: Don't you worry about anything, Parrs! We'll build your house in less than seven days, or my name isn't Seymour Butts, and thank God it isn't!

Helen: *Turns the TV off*

Bob: Honey?

Helen: I think we're in trouble.

Jack Jack: Waah, Naily go boom! Waaaaaaaah!

Silent Bob: *Appears next Dash*

Dash: Whoa! Where did you come from?

Jay: *Appears next Helen* Don't worry, bitches, we're just here to find ourselves some clients to sell our joints to!

Silent Bob: *Nods*

Bob: *Sighs* Oh good God...

To be continued...


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