Cossack's Comrades

Alpha Season 2: Epilogue 18

The House of Egad

By Drill, Gary, and Dive

*Drill writes*
*It was a normal day at the citadel. Aw hell it always starts off as a normal day! I want change damn it! *

BB: Fed up yo home fry?

*Forget it… Well Jay and Silent Bob are smoking, Drill is writing something, and the others are doing…random things*

Drill: Damn it! This is so aggravating!

Pharaoh: What’s so aggravating?

Drill: I’m writing a novel.

Ring: Ha! You can’t write for your life!

*Oh yeah? Suddenly lightning strikes Ring and makes him consumed by flames*

Ring: Ahhhh! I’m sorry! I’ll never question you again!

Dive: What is your novel about?

Drill: It’s about Jesus Christ and his last days on earth.

Toad: Oh boy, the Passion again rears its ugly head.

Jay: Man that movie rocks man! I went and saw it. I was so stoned; it was like they were speaking another language!

Dust: Uh…

Drill: It’s best not to tell him. Nah it’s not the Passion. It’s because it’s an interesting topic.

Kalinka: I think it’s a wonderful topic Drill.

Cossack: I think it sucks.

*Kalinka grabs her rifle and loads it. Cossack starts running*

Pharaoh: Where did she get that rifle?

Toad: It’s a mystery, man.

Ring: For god’s sake I’m on fire! Someone help me!

Silent Bob: *Walks over and lights his smoke*

BB: Yu flamin’ boy.

Dive: Here. Secret Technique, Water Slap Missile!

Ring: Mmmmissle?

*It hits Ring and he explodes*

Ring: Now I know how Kenny feels.

*Suddenly the phone rings*

Dive: Meh I’ll get it.

*Dive picks up the phone*

Dive: Hello?

*Gary Writes*

Strange Voice: Hi, Is this the team of Cossack's Comrads?

Dive: Yeah, this would be us. Who is this?

Strange Voice: That is not important, however I'd like to tell you that you've won a Mansion in a contest!

Dive: A Mansion? We won a Mansion?

Strange Voice: That's right! Here are the coordinates.

*A map prints out in the CC's fax machine*

Dive: Uhhh..thanks, but we already...

*The phone is dead*

Dive: That was weird.

Jay: Who was that, man?

Dive: Dunno, but he said we won a Mansion in a contest. Did one of you guys enter a contest?

*Everyone shakes their head*

Toad: That's weird. How can we win a mansion if we never entered a contest?

Drill: All this seems awfully familiar. In a video game of some sorts.

Pharaoh: Go back to writing, we'll get to the bottom of this!

Dust: *is cleaning up Ring's parts* What should we do about Ring face?

Cossack: Don't look at me. I'm on vacation.

Kalinka: *pulls out a katana and starts swiping*

Cossack: *runs away like a coward*

Pharaoh: Where does she get that crap!?

Toad: *shrugs*

*2 hours later everyone minus Drill (who is still writing the novel) arrive at the Mansion*

Dive: We're here!!

Toad: *looks at the picture on the map* Dude, this looks nothing like...

*Lightning strikes and the Mansion appears*

Everyone: Gulp!

Dust: Okay, we've seen the place, let's head...

Dive: Aren't you all wondering how we won this Mansion in the first place?

Pharaoh: Not really...

Dive: Cowards, come on already.

*Meanwhile back at the castle*

Cossack: So how goes the novel Drill?

Drill: I'm on a writer's block. I need some inspiration.

Cossack: Well a nice Soda Pop outta perk you right up!

Drill: I am kind of thirsty. Bring it on Pops.

Cossack: Pops? That's a first.

*10 minutes later*

Cossack: Here we go. *pours a large coke*

Drill: Thanks Cossack, don't mind if I...

Cossack: *slaps his arm away* Hey! Get your ugly drills off my coke!

Drill: I thought that was for me!

Cossack: You've got two legs and...*looks at his hands* Well, you still can 'walk' into the kitchen. *He walks off*

Drill: Lazy bastard...*Drill groans as he goes back to his novel* I wonder how the others are doing.

**************************************

Dive: Hey! What are you doing!?

Pharaoh: It's ugly! It's hideous! We must destroy it!

???: Whoa there young fella, I'm not that bad!

Dive: That's just a little old man!

Pharaoh: Oh. *puts away his weapons*

Toad: Jeeeeez man. You are too paranoid.

Pharaoh: Hey, in this dark forest and that dark house, who wouldn't be?

Dive: *to the little man* Sorry about that, who are you anyways?

???: Hello there my robot friends. My name is Dr. Egad. I've come here to investigate this here Mansion.

Dive: Yeah, we won that thing in a contest we never entered.

Dr. Egad: Is that so there young fella. Well, don't you find that a bit odd?

Toad: Very.

Ring: Mmmmpphh

Pharaoh: Oh, forgot to attach his mouth.

Ring: It's about time you morons! I can't believe that you waited so long to attach my body parts, as a team we are supposed to do...*click*

Pharaoh: Never mind.

Ring: *mumbles angerly*

Dr. Egad: Well there. Did you know that your new Mansion is haunted?

Pharaoh: Haunted eh? That's just lovely.

Dr. Egad: Unfortunately I don't have any more Polterguest 3000's in my storage compartment, but I think he'll do just fine.

*Everyone looks at Dustman*

Dust: What?

Dive: Even though we all could just walk away from this, Ghostbusting does sound a bit fun.

Pharaoh: Speak for yourself.

Dr. Egad: Okay, time to add some adjustments to your hose there Dustman...

Dust: Uhhhhh...help.

*Dive writes*

Dr. Egad: Yes I'll also need Light Bulb girl too. But don't worry. *pulls out two syringes* With these, the operations will be a pleasant dream!

*Egad simply bashes Dust's and BB's heads in with a wrench and injects the two needles into himself.*

Dr. Egad: Oh yeaaahhhh....Let's get started.

*A few hours later...*

Dr. Egad: Perfect! That should do it.

Pharaoh: So how does all this work? Does BB stun ghosts with her light while Dust sucks them up?

Dr. Egad: What crap are you talking about? I just need a new lamp, and this house is a mess! Have you actually looked at this place?

BB: Hey! I dun wanna be yer slave!

Toad: Wait, what about this whole house being haunted deal? We need a Poltergust or something, man!

Dr. Egad: Hey, I need one too. If I had one, I wouldn't had to steal this guy from you. *points to Dust *

Dust: There must be something you got that can help us!

Dr. Egad: *shrugs* What do you want me to do? I'm retired. This is your problem.

Dive: Ah hell, this place's more trouble than it's worth. I say we leave and blast this burg into the Stone Age.

Toad: Ooh, I like that idea!

Ring: *jumps up and down excitedly*

Dust: Hey! Let's not nuke a perfectly good mansion!

BB: Yeah, all it needs is a liddle luv and some ghostbustin'! Right, Skull?

....

Toad: Skull? Where are you?

...

Pharaoh: Well crap. He's not here.

Dust: I was wondering why he hasn't said anything so far.

Ring: *reattaches his mouth* Hey Doc, you haven't seen a robot that looks like a skeleton, have you?

Dr. Egad: You mean him?

*Dr. Egad holds up a photo of Skull Man trapped in a painting.*

Dr. Egad: I don't remember where I found him. This mansion's pretty big and the rooms start running together after a while. Especially with these. *holds up the syringes*

Pharaoh: Do you know who did this to him?

Toad: Phbbbt. Probably the King Boo. This place is nothing if not predictable.

Dust: Say doc, could BB and I theoretically use our enhancements to bust a ghost or two?

Dr. Egad: Well-

Dust: Then it's settled! Now let's go rescue Skull!

Dr. Egad: Hey come back! This place ain't gonna clean itself!

*The six robots search a few of the halls on the first floor.*

Ring: We should've taken a left back there.

BB: A left WHERE? *points to a series of winding corridors*

Ring: ...Good point.

Dive: Well, I see the kitchen. I'm gonna grab me something to drink. Might as well search for Skull loaded.

*Dive opens the door to the kitchen, and a horde of zombified robots pile out. One of them tries to bite him, but he kicks it in the gut and runs back to the group*

Zombies: Brains! Brains! BRAINS! Tacos!

Pharaoh: What the-? Egad said nothing about zombies!

BB: C'mon! They're not that tough to take down!

*BB tries to use her flash stopper while Dust switches his vacuum on. However, the light bulb on BB's head explodes in a bright flash while Dust's vacuum clogs up and bursts, covering everything with odd junk that's he sucked up over the years*

Dive: *rummages through the trash* Hey! That's where my stash of nude Jessica Rabbit pics ran off to!

BB: Oh, thanks for nuthin' Egad! Why aren't our enhancements worth spit?

Ring: Call it a hunch, but I think the fact that Egad's a parapsychologist and not a robot engineer had a good deal to do with it.

Pharaoh: That and he was high as a kite when he operated on you two. Can't forget that.

Toad: Whatever, let's just kill these things.

*One pitifully short battle later...*

Ring: Big deal. Let's just go upstairs and-

Sliced in Half Zombie: * pulls Ring Man to the ground* BRAINS!

*The zombie climbs on top of Ring Man and bites into his head*

Sliced in Half Zombie: Ewwww....Ugh...Bad pie...Baaaaad...pie... *rolls off of Ring Man, drooling*

Ring: Uh, does this mean I'm gonna die and turn into a flesh-eating corpse that'll eat you all? 'Cause if it does, awesome.

Dust: BB and I will see if Egad can patch us up!

Pharaoh: Take Ring with you and see if he's got a cure!

Ring: Aww! This is my lifelong dream! I can feel it taking effect already!

*Dust and BB run out of the hall, dragging Ring. After they leave, a transparent figure resembling a burn ward victim in a red and black suit appears*

???: Who's bad?!

Pharaoh: What the? That's not king boo...

Toad: A-doy! It's Micheal Jackson!

Dive: Okay...what the hell do you want with Skull Man?

Michael Jackson: Not a thing! It's you I'm after. I've been hired to kill you for stopping HIS marriage to HER.

Dive: Ohhhh....HIIIIMMM! I almost forgot about that asshole. Is HE still that pissed off?

Toad: Who are they talking about?

Pharaoh: Who knows, just run with it. *turns to Michal Jackson* Why did you capture Skull Man?!

Michael Jackson: *puts his hands down his pants* Well I had to do something to keep Dive Man from doing something stupid but effective like blow the house up. I first tried inviting children to a sleepover here and using them as leverage. But halfway through the sleepover, I realized Dive Man would still just blow up the house.

Dive: *shrugs* Yeah, basically.

Michael Jackson: That's where Skully comes in. If I had him trapped, I knew you'd never let Dive nuke the mansion. *raises his hands* But now it's time to play, children!

*The Juggernaut, The Hammer, The jackal, and the Angry Princess from 13 Ghosts appear in front of the three Comrades and charge full tilt at them*

Dive: ...Ooooh Toad, you're in big trouble now.

*Back at the citadel...*

Kalinka: So how's the novel coming?

Drill: It's going alright. But I kinda wish I didn't have to miss out on going to that mansion.

Cossack: Too bad everyone's gone. I could kill some time by upgrading the team with their new armor.

Drill: Back from "vacation" already?

Cossack: It's not all it's cracked up to be. *nurses a Katana stab wound*

Jay: You went on vacation without us? Asshole.

Drill: Where's Silent Bob?

Jay: Oh, he's makin' a delivery for me. I wanted to call my old girlfriend, Beth. ****doesn't stay touch anymore. I mean, what the hell! I helped her save existence! Doesn't that buy me anything?!

Drill: I guess not. Tough break. Anyway, couldn't I at least get upgraded?

Cossack: I was hoping to upgrade you all at once. But, their loss. Let me just grab the schematics and...

*Cossack opens the drawer where the schematics are kept, only to find it's empty.*

Cossack: What the-?

Drill: I don't like where this is going.

Kalinka: *draws a double-bladed sword* Dad...you're dead weight. Seriously.

Cossack: Give me a break! You can't dump every incompetent incident on me! I haven't done a thing with those schematics!

Jay: Oh those things. Yeah, SB and I needed something to roll...and those were all we could find.

Drill: Wait. Don't you keep copies of those on your computer?

*Drill accesses the computer only to find an enormous stash of this month's Playboy*

Kalinka: Damnit, Jay! Not again!

Jay: C'mon! What kind of sick ****keeps naked pictures of his own robots?

Cossack: That's it! I could take the mess, the attitude, the bad merchandise, but now he's crossed the line!

Kalinka: You're telling me!

*Kalinka and Dr. Cossack pulls out a pair of AK47s and tommyguns out of their boots*

Jay: So what? Are you guys evicting me?

*Dr. Cossack and Kalinka open fire on Jay*

Jay: C'mon, Rasputin! What'd I do? Seriously! *runs*

Kalinka: Don't let him get away!

Drill: ...Guess he got what he deserved. I'll just be glad to get my room back.

*Drill goes back to writing his novel and does his best to tune out the carnage. Meanwhile, back at Egad's room...*

Dust: Okay Doc, we need you to enhance us again. This time without the exploding.

Ring: And a slab of fresh, robot flesh would be nice! Make yourself useful already!

Dr. Egad: Whoa...Have you ever noticed the usefulness of uselessness?

Dust: *notices a fresh pile of needles by Egad* Ugh, guess we're on our own on this one.

BB: Yep. Kinda makes me wish we knew anythin' 'bout robot engineerin'.

Dust: Hey! I built Omni all on my own before Ballade swiped him! I can handle this!

BB: ...'Kay I guess. Does Egad have any notes we could use?

Ring: Here's some. *reads* "Robot Engineering for Dumbasses?!" ...He's scribbled in most of the pages.

Dust: I don't need that hack's help! *opens a panel on BB's back and reaches inside* Here's the problem!

BB: Eeeeyeowwww!!

Dust: No....that's not it...*reaches deeper*

BB: GOD!! OH GOD!! THE AGONNNYYY!!

Dust: No wait, here we go! *reaches even deeper*

*BB's arm canon starts quaking and whirring louder and louder*

BB: Do sumthin'!

Dust: I'm scared to try anything else!

*Ring starts gnawing on BB's arm*

Ring: Hahaha! You're infected now too! In just a short while, you'll be a shambling, mindless corpse prowling for the flesh of your friends!

BB: Damnit, not now!

Dust: Yeah, seriously. Besides, I see some revivify six-packs on the shelf. Shouldn't those cure you?

Ring: *breaks the revivify bottles* No they won't! There is no cure!

Dust: Ohhhh boy...

*Later, in the attic of the mansion...*

Dive: Yeow, that was a close one.

Pharaoh: Yeah, that was some quick thinking, Toad. You saved our asses!

Toad: No sweat. But how are we gonna kill those things? We tried our weapons.

Dive: Yeah, that was a mistake. *shakes*

*As if on cue, Luigi steps out of a door wearing the Poltergust 3000*

Luigi: Hey, do you all know where Dr. Egad is?

Dive: *grinning evilly* Say, that's a nice Poltergust...

*A few moments later...*

Toad: That was a brilliant idea, Pharaoh!

Pharaoh: I know! We totally gave Luigi the wrong directions!

Dive: I wish I could see the look on his face!

All: Ahahaahaha!!

...

Toad: We should've taken his Poltergust, shouldn't we?

Pharaoh: Yeah...Did not think that one through...

*The remaining Comrades leave the attic, only to walk into the DRW on their way out.*

Sanity: Hey, we got this letter saying we won a free vending machine. Is this where we claim it?

*The Comrades quickly overpower a few of the DRW and steal their proton backs*

Toad: Don't worry! We will repay you!

Dive: Unless we can't find you, or if we forget.

Pharaoh: Now let's go rescue Skull!

*Back at the Citadel, Drill desperately tries to work on his novel dodges an occasional errant bullet as Dr. Cossack and Kalinka chase Jay in the background with AK47s, Molotov cocktails, and throwing axes.*

Kalinka: Hold still!

Drill: *reads* " '...until the handle breaks off, and you have to call a doctor to pull it out again...' Jesus gasped after they nailed him to the cross. Shortly after that, he did not stir. The End,"

*Drill sets the last page on top of his stack of finished pages*

Drill: Ahhh, it's finished.

*Suddenly Jay collapses in front of Drill, clutching his arm.*

Jay: C'mon, Black Decker boy! Help me out!

*Drill just shoves him aside and idly thumbs through his pages*

Jay: Man, I don't wanna go out like this. Capped by Polly Pocket...

Kalinka: *reloads her AK47* Any last words?

Jay: Yeah, why the ****are you all so ****pissy? I've still got those papers if you want them!

Kalinka: What?! You said you used them to make your drugs!

Jay: Yeah, but I never said we USED them!

Cossack: Why didn't you say so earlier?

Jay: Why didn't you ask instead of trying to blow my head off?! What the hell?! Can I go get them without you capping me?!

Cossack: Sure, I guess. But I also want you to delete all but ten pieces of that smut on my computer!

*Jay storms upstairs as Drill idly proofs his novel*

Kalinka: Well, that's a relief...I guess.

Cossack: Well Drill, I guess we can upgrade you after all.

Drill: *proofreading his pages* That's good.

Cossack: I'll get everything ready. And Kalinka, I'm glad we got to spend some quality bonding time.

Kalinka: Let's do it again sometime.

*Cossack and Kalinka maneuver around still-burning flames and shrapnel as Drill organizes his pages*

Drill: Yep. I knew staying out of this was the right thing to do.

*Back at Egad's room...*

Dust: *closes BB's panel* There, that should do it.

BB: *admiring her new bulb* Heyyy, not bad. Sorry I ever doubted ya.

Dust: See? I told you those four years of failing grades at community college would pay off!

BB: Well, you've worked hard enough. I'll patch you up!

Dust: But-

BB: I insist! I learned everything I need from ya! *opens Dust's panel and roots around inside*

Dust: Okay. Now just look for-OWOWOWOW! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

BB: See? I told you those four, long agonizing hours of pain would pay off! It's payback time!

Dust: No-AGHHHHH!! That shouldn't go there! OW! OWWWWWWW!

BB: Squeal for me!

Dust: SHYEAAAAGGHH!! Shouldn't you get Egad's help?

BB: Oh no! We don't need that hack's help!

Egad: Exactly! Besides, my assistant and I are conducting important research right now!

Luigi: So this new dumbinol has even more kick than our morphine and hippo tranquilizer?

SB: *thumbs up*

***************************

*Ring takes a bite out of Dust's leg*

Ring: My God, it's spreading like wildfire! We're all doomed! DOOMED!

BB: That's right! We'll have to put Dust out of his misery! It's what he would've wanted!!

Dust: Dear Lord in heaven!! The pain! The paaaiinnnn!!!

*Dust collapses on the ground and notices a bundle of charred pieces of paper in the fireplace*

Dust: Hey, what are those?

*Meanwhile, the mansion's hallways*

Pharaoh: Have we tried the billiard room yet?

*Dive kicks the door open and gazes into a white swirling spectral void filled with tortured screams*

Soul: Father, I-I've come to konfesss...

Soul: ...Ddaadddyyyy...dun leave us again...

Soul: Haaappy birfday to yoouu! Happy birfday to you!

Soul: Itchyyy. Taasty.

Pharaoh: Is he in there?

Dive: Nope. Just the same old crap we've been seeing in the last few rooms.

*Dive slams the door in the specters' faces, but opens it again to throw them some peanuts*

Toad: Damnit! We've been all over this house! Where could he be?

Pharaoh: We've only checked five rooms.

Toad: Who cares? I'm getting ornery.

Dive: Dear god, this house is driving Toad mad!

Pharaoh: No, she just needs to chill.

Toad: Screw you! I've had it with this place! Let's just go back to torching it and be done with it! We replaced Skull once, we can do it again!

Dive: *kicks opens the ball room door* Or better yet, we could just rescue our old Skull.

*Dive points to Skull's portrait being guarded by Michael Jackson and the Thirteen Ghosts *

Michael Jackson: There you all are! I was thinking you wouldn't show!

Toad: Look, I'm totally not in the mood for all this.

Michael Jackson: You thought you were so clever, finding that secret passage to the study in the kitchen! Well there's nowhere to run this time!

Toad: Who said anything about running?!

*Toad fires her proton gun at the Hammer. She then quickly rolls a trap under the zapped ghost and steps on it, capturing it*

Dive: Boo-ya! It's about time something went right around here!

Withered Lover: Don't shoot! I mean you no harm!

Dive: I won't give you the chance! *blasts her with his proton gun and sucks her into his trap*

Pharaoh: That tall freak's mine!

*Pharaoh zaps the Juggernaut, but as he opens his trap, a bright red light shoots out of it.*

Starscream's Ghost: Ah...It's good to be free again!

Toad: What?! DRW didn't empty their trap?!

Starscream's Ghost: Now that I can take my rightful place as Decepticon leader, who needs you all?!

Michael Jackson: *sissy slaps Starscream* Hey, these guys are mine!

Starscream's Ghost: *blasts Michael Jackson* Fool! Did you really think you could defeat the most powerful and sexy Decepticon of all?

Pharaoh: *zaps Starscream* Well, it's not that hard, really.

*Meanwhile, the remaining ghosts watch the Comrades battle Starscream*

Bound Woman: ...So...what now?

Juggernaut: I vote we bail. They've got proton packs, they've already got George and Jean, and I'm not being paid enough for this.

Angry Princess: That's the smartest idea anyone's had all day.

Jackal: Yeah, Mikey's crazy anyway. If y'all need me, I'll be trying on stuff from Victoria's Secret.

Torn Prince: Save some for me!

*The last ten ghosts simply wander off as Starscream gets sucked back into Pharaoh's trap.*

Starscream's Ghost: Noooo! I was soooo close! You can't hold me forever!

Dive: *notices the ghosts leaving* Wow, that was easy!

Toad: *grabs Skull's painting* I guess.

*BB and Dust come running in the room*

Dust: Sorry we took so long, but we're finally patched up. What did we miss?

Pharaoh: Well...uh...everything's already taken care of...really...

Dive: Yeah, Skull's all rescued and all the ghosts just sorta wandered off.

BB: ...Yer jokin'. Tell me that there's still some action left after bein' stitched up the community college dunce here. *points to Dust*

Dust: ...And that I wasn't tortured by a latently sadistic light bulb for nothing.

Toad: Uhh...

*A few minutes later, the Comrades are outside the now-burning mansion. Dust and BB are holding empty gas cans.*

Dust: & BB: Koombiyah, my lord. Koombiyah.

Toad: "Let's not nuke a perfectly good mansion," You say! "All it needs is some love and ghostbusting!"

Dive: Yeah, just as we get this place nice and habitable, and you torch it! Thanks alot!

Pharaoh: What waste this day was! Let's just get home!

*Back at the Citadel*

Drill: So was the mansion thing for real?

Dust: Don't ask.

Toad: How were things back here?

Drill: Don't ask.

Dive: So, just another typical day, huh?

BB: Sure. Typical.

Pharaoh: Wait, where did this come from? *points to the Poltergust 3000*

Jay: SB's customers stiffed him, so he nabbed their vacuum cleaner. Taught that Dr. Dolittle fuck.

Ring: BRAINSS! *gnaws on Toad's head*

Dust: Damnit, Ring! We told you before, YOU'RE NOT A ZOMBIE!

BB: For cryin' out loud, did you READ the notes in the fireplace?! Those "zombies" were just Egad's failed attempts at buildin' robots!

Ring: How do you know?! For all we know, my body has become host for the vicious T-virus that's robbing me of my very humanity!

Dive: No it's not. Anyway, can we free Skull from this painting?

Cossack: Actually, I've got just the thing. I bought it at a garage sale when that Egad guy retired.

*Kalinka grabs her rifle and loads it. Cossack starts running*

Cossack: C'mon! What did I do?!

Kalinka: Oh, sorry. *lowers the rifle* It's sort of a reflex now. Eh. I'll think of something.

*Kalinka raises the rifle again as Cossack runs for his worthless life*

Toad: Yep. Just another typical day.

Drill: Well, at least we're all okay. That's all that counts.

*Meanwhile, at the burning mansion...*

Sanity: Dear god, it burns!

Star: Walk AROUND the fire, not THROUGH it!

Crystal: Oooohh, those pinkoes are gonna pay for stealing our clothes!

Gravity: But if they didn't steal our clothes, we wouldn't have found the vending machine!

Star: YES, WE WOULD HAVE!

Gravity: Oh, right. But at least we got it. That's all that matters.

Crystal: Yep. All we have to do is wait for Wave Man to pick us up.

The End!

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