Cossack's Comrades

Alpha Season 3: Epilogue 11

The Big Rock Candy Mountain
by AM

Narrator: Need I say exactly where we are?

Cossack: Wooh! Fill that bowl bro!

Jay: Settle down bro! This is some premium shit. We are mixing tonight! Addies and Weed make for a great trip! Aint I right you Tubby Piece of Shit?

Silent Bob: *Smiles*

Kalinka: Dad, what are you…FATHER!!! FOR SHAME!

Cossack: Honey, Daddy is going on a trip. Don’t you worry!

Kalinka: Weed is one thing, but MIXING WITH PILLS?! I give up!

Jay: Aw you don’t need her man. All you need is this! Let’s light this shit up!

Cossack: Amen!

Narrator: So they pack the bowl and take their hits. And soon they become high...what else is new?

Jay: You know what I think? I think that when we die we become light. It’s like the bible man. “You are the light of the world!”

Cossack: Dude…I know! I am amazed at your wisdom.

Jay: Hey, I got an idea, let’s go down to the park. We can play on the swings and slides!

Silent Bob: *Cheers*

Narrator: The trio of stoners go to the park where they scare all the kids away.

Cossack: Yay! I love the swings!

Jay: Let’s all go down the slide together!

Cossack: Sure man. Hey maaaaan, I got an idea! Let’s say something wacky as we go down! Like “One, Two, Three Peppermint Tree!”

Jay: Dude…fucking sweet! I cant believe that! Where did you think of that shit!

Cossack: I think I read it somewhere bro. Let’s do it!

*The three climb up the slide*

Jay: One!

Cossack: Two!

Silent Bob: Three!

All: PEPPERMINT TREE!!!!

Narrator: However, when the three go down the slide, they slide right past the ground and enter a magical area with swirling colors!!!

Silent Bob: Woah! Sweet bro!

Jay: SHIT! This is beautiful! You catching this Doc?

Cossack: Word.

Voices: Oh the buzzing of the bees in the Peppermint Trees and the Soda Water Fountain! With Lemonade Springs and the Blue Bird Sings in the Big Rock Candy Mountains!

Cossack: We have got to do this more often!

Silent Bob: Dude, we are reaching the end of the slide!

Narrator: The trio finished their ride and is approached by a huge Owl, A Rabbit, Two Bears, a Horse…I think, and a Rastafarian Cat. Wait what?!

Profster the Owl: Salutations!

Jay: Jesus Christ dude!

Felicity the Horse: What Profster means is Hi, Hello, How Are You!

Cossack: …okay…

*Suddenly she starts singing*

Felicity: Razzle De De and One Two Three I’m So Glad You Are Friends With Me. Razzle De De and Razzle De Do! So put out your hands and say Hello!

Jay: Sweet dude. Sweet.

Silent Bob: Dude…I think her voice changed.

Cossack: Er…thanks? Where are we?

Kaiso the Rastafarian Cat: Why you are in da Big Rock Candy Mountains! You nevah change your socks!

Jay: More like the Big Cock Randy Mountains! Ha! Bong!

Snoodle the Bear: Yeah! Plus the Goodies Grow on Bushes!

Doodle the Bear: Oh Don’t say that! It makes me hungry!

Silent Bob: By Goodies you mean Weed right?

Profster: Heavens no!

Felicity: What Profster means is no. We don’t have any weeds in our gardens. We have candy and healthy food!

Cossack: Um…I can understand him perfectly.

Profster: You see, everyone here is retarded. I mean hell, it’s a Rastafarian Cat! You see, the only people who come here are children or stoners.

Little Bunny Foo Foo: However, we haven’t had a child here since 1991! Oh children! CHILDREN!! I MISS THEM!!! WE NEED THEM!!!!

Jay: DAMN!!! A Pedophile Bunny! I only heard of Pedobears!

Narrator: Suddenly three mice come in. Okay…this is getting ridiculous!

Meecy Mice: Hey guys, want to look at the clouds?

Kaiso: Sure sistah!

Silent Bob: Maybe we shouldn’t have mixed after all dude…

Jay: Look at that cloud! It looks like a bong.

Profster: OR A CLOUD!!!!!

Cossack: HA! You just got shot down Jay! Good one Owl!

Snoodle: That one looks like a cat.

Profster: OR A CLOUD!!!!!

Cossack: Okay…is that all he says?

Little Bunny Foo Foo: Stop being a Negative Nancy Profster. Try using your imagination!

Profster: IT LOOKS LIKE A BEAR! A GRIZZLY BEAR! Would anybody like to hear a story about a Grizzly Bear.

Silent Bob: Get me the hell out of here!!!!

Narrator: So the three run back to the slide and try climbing back up it.

Jay: WE CANT ESCAPE! FUCK!!!

Doodle: Don’t you want to eat and play with us at the Soda Water Fountain?

Cossack: Oh why can’t Kalinka be here and kill these guys!

Felicity: If you want to leave, all you have to do is go into the rock entrance and say “3, 2, 1 Peppermint Tree!”

Stoners: 3, 2, 1 Peppermint Tree!

Narrator: And so the trio land back in the park. And who should appear but Kalinka.

Kalinka: Father, I know I was hard on you before…but I want to say I am worried about you.

Cossack: Oh Kalinka forgive me! Never again! NEVER AGAIN! *Cries*

Kalinka: So what did you three do today?

Stoners: *Faints*

Kalinka: I wonder what happened to them.

Narrator: And so our…heroes I believe is the term have ended their trip to the Big Rock Candy Mountains. Hopefully they are a little wiser. And they never spoke of that place again. AMEN!!!

Felicity: Do you think they will come back?

Profster: Who cares? They left their weed. Hem Hem. “Weed Today! Gone Tomorrow!”

The End

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