Cossack's Comrades

Alpha Season 3: Epilogue 2

Hero Training
by Zymeth

Drill: Skull!!! What the hell is wrong with you!?

Skull: *Shrugs* Plenty of things, but I don't see what you're getting at.

Drill: You were supposed to destroy the enemy!

*Rogue Robot head drops out of the sky, still smoking, into Skull's hand*

Skull: (Looking at the head) And I did, obviously. *Shows the head to Drill*

Drill:…

*Drill nocks the head out of Skull's hands, which he puts behind his back*

Drill: Yeah, you did. Along with like, fifteen bystanders!!!

(Camera pans out to reveal that Skull, Drill, and the rest of the Comrades are standing in front of a burning building, surrounded by wreckage and fire, and a broken fire hydrant is spraying water.)

Skull: You know, in the long run fifteen isn't such a big number. I mean, he could have killed, what, a hundred more? The sacrifice of fifteen for 85? I think that's a good ratio.

Drill: *Puts his hand to his head* Skull, it doesn't count when they're unnecessary casualties.

Skull: *Chuckles* No such thing.

Ring: I was only paying half attention, I'm not entirely sure what Skull did wrong to begin with.

Dust: Well, it was mainly his blatant disregard for the sanctity of human life.

Skull: There's no such thing as that either.

Bright: What do you mean!?

Skull: I'd have to say… hmm… 80% of people aren't worth the breath of life given to them. Including me, admittedly, but at least I pull my weight by shaving off the access populace.

Pharaoh: What about the people who don't deserve to die?

Skull: Well they're outnumbered here, so now they're better off anyway.

Dive: He might have something there.

Drill: Look, Skull, no offense to you or anything, you're obviously a deadly opponent, but we kinda have to cut down on the casualties, 'kay?

Skull: Why spend this time mourning over them and accept the fact that they died for a good cause.

Drill: But you dodged a shot by hiding behind an old man!

Skull: He wasn't long for this world anyway.

Ring: This disturbs but kinda amuses me at the same time.

Dive: Really? Same here.

Toad: C'mon Skull, listen to him!

Dust: You did kill like, fifteen people.

Random guy: (Shouting) No, I'm still alive, but very badly hurt… I-I'm in a lot of pain!

Skull: Oh, right, terribly sorry *BLAM*

Drill: *Forces Skull's buster down* Will you quit doing that!?

Skull: I was putting him out of his misery!

Drill: What is WITH you!?

Skull: … I like killing things…

Pharaoh: Now, now, guys. I'm sure there's something we could do here.

Toad: Yeah, I mean, Skull may be a sadistic bloodthirsty maniac, but his heart's in the right place! Well, most of it… But deep down he's really trying to help people, right Skull?

Skull: Eh, partly. Half of it is relieving those few really good people of their misery, mostly by destroying the typical people that are mean (or cruel) and ignorant by very nature, or by achieving the later by sending them to a better (or worse, as the case may be) place. I figure if it's 80%-66% of people that fall into the second category, then it's good enough odds to justify it.

Bright: What about the second half.

Skull: Oh. The rest is relieving my natural bloodlust and hatred for all that is human by butchering all those I am allowed…

*Concerned glances*

Ring: Who can argue with that?

Skull: Thank you, Ring.

Ring: Sure! *Gets knocked back by Dive*

Dive: Look, Skull, while we appreciate the wholesale destruction of our enemies, the whole collateral damage thing is kind of… looked down upon by the city.

Skull: Ah, I see then.

Bright: I know! We could teach him the value of human life, y'know, like kind of a "hero" 101.

Toad: Hey that's a good idea!

Pharaoh: That might actually help.

Skull: Look, I appreciate the sentiment, but I don't' need it. I know quite well how normal people think, and I promise that I'll minimize the whole collateral thing.

Drill: I don't want to ever have to deal with this again. You're taking those lessons.

Dust: What if he fails?

Drill: I don't know, I'll think of something. Let's go home though.

*Hours Later*

Ring: *Blows whistle*

Skull: *Snatches it, one hand covering his ear* I'm right here.

Ring: Hey, I like that whistle.

Skull: *Sigh* Here.

Ring: (Taking it) Thank you… *Blows whistle, making Skull take a few steps back* Welcome to your first day of "Good Guy" training! Here we will be teaching you to-

Skull: I know!

Ring: Oh, right. Regardless! It's time for your first test.

*Toad and Pharaoh wave, standing in the middle of the yard*

Ring: Okay, scenario number 1! A woman is standing there minding her own business when WHAM! Some guy steals her purse.

Toad: But I don't have a purse!

Ring: Then pretend to have one! Now, this guy steals a girl's purse, right in broad daylight, right? What do you do?

Skull: I'm not sure I'd care. It's a purse.

Ring: What? But what if all her money's in it!?

Skull: Then I'd laugh at her for carrying so much money on her person.

Toad: Hey, don't laugh at me!

Skull and Ring: Not you, Toad!

Toad: Oh. Carry on *Smiles*

Pharaoh: Why am I standing here?

Dive: (Walking over carrying a box) Visual aid.

Pharaoh: Oh. I say we do something a little more… active.

Skull: This is a waste of time.

Dive: Eh, it might be but at least we're not bored.

*Moments later*

Toad: *Blows Ring's whistle*

Skull: *Clutches head in pain until it stops* Grrr!

Toad: Sorry *Nervous grin*

Bright: Okay, Skull. A man stands atop a building, getting ready to jump.

Ring: *Waves from the top of the tower*

Bright: What do you do?

Skull: Watch and hope he lands near a "Suicide Hotline" sign.

Bright: That's horrible!

Skull: Ah, yes, but it's also humorously ironic.

*Ring's screams start being audible*

Dive: Yeah, it's dramatic irony, but you're missing the point.

Skull: I get the point, I just don't see how it applies to my line of work!

*Ring crashes into the ground*

Ring: Uggh…. Skull, what the hell!? You were supposed to save me!

Skull: Why would I do that if you wanted to die THAT badly?

Collective: Umm…

Ring: Nevermind it, let's just move on.

*Moments later*

Dive: Okay, your fighting a group of malfunctioning insane robots, and they all have formed a tight-nit line of defense behind cover, so you can't really get a good shot off. Between you and them is a small group of bystanders.

Ring: Suddenly, one of them steps from behind cover, showing off that he's covered in a crap-load of dynamite! What do you do!?

Skull: Cast a fireball at him quickly while he's standing around his friends…. BWA HAA HA HA HA!

Ring: Actually that's a good idea. What was the lesson we were trying to teach with this one again?

Pharaoh: Ummm… I don't remember.

Skull: *Manic laughter continues*

Bright: Umm… well what if the blast radius would get the bystanders too?

Skull: *Recovers from laughing* Ah, well, if they aren't seeking cover or running away, then good, obviously they don't have any sense. I wonder how they would have lived that long in the first place.

Toad: (Cheerfully) Moving on!

*Moments later*

Pharaoh: Okay, we're running out of ideas. Some kid is skateboarding on a high bridge. He goes for a grind on the rail and starts falling. Now, you're on the street below this bridge, and you have the ability to rescue him at slight risk to your own health. What do you do?

Skull: I'd thank god that he would no longer be able to breed. How idiotic do you have to be to try grinding at lethal heights!? At least he'll go out in an amusing fashion… *More maniacal laughter*

Ring: *Flips through index cards* Okay, I give up *Throws cards down*

Pharaoh: I think we all agree this is an exercise in futility.

Skull: I already told you, I promise to pay more heed to collateral, happy? I see no reason to continue this.

Dive: Eh, good enough for me. We're all done here.

Bright: Yeah, it's late. See you tomorrow guys!

Toad: See you!

The Comrades all turn around and walk back in the castle. Meanwhile, hiding in the darkness overlooking the landscape, Wraithman emerges from the shadow.

Wraith: So, I see that the aquisition of "friends" hasn't changed you one bit, Vincent. I do so fear for your new housemates. Or, as I'm sure you've come to see them, your new toys. I think it's finally time to act on my part... brother...

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