Cossack's Comrades

Alpha Season 3: Epilogue 5

The Legend of Ring Man
by Rebel40000

Narrator: Oh what a beautiful morning~, oh what a beautiful day~, I have a beautiful feeling--

Cossack: *Holding his head* That everything has gone astray.

Pharaoh: What's with you, doctor?

Cossack: Ugh, remind me to never chug a bottle of Nyquil after taking an entire bottle of Tylenol.

Dive: What the heck is wrong with you?

Cossack: I live with you worthless dolts. How else am I supposed to react?

Toad: That's okay we still love you!

Cossack: Get the hell away from me.

Drill: *Eating* Sheesh, you guys are so noisy.

Dust: I'll say. Don't you know that when you are eating at the table you should show proper etiquette by not talking while chewing your food?

Narrator: Everyone pauses and looks at Sean. They then turn their gaze onto Keba, who was still shoving a taco down her throat.

Bright: Whut?

Kalinka: You know, I've just realized that Rebel is absent from the table today.

Cossack: Another worthless dolt! All he does is run around screaming stupid things, drink Coca-Cola, and blow up my inventions with his mere presence!

Toad: Nothing wrong with that!

Cossack: Yes there is!

Skull: How so?

Cossack: Like... uh... *thinks* ...It just is!

Skull: Me thinks you are simply delusional from all of the crap you have been drinking, injecting, and inhaling as of late.

Cossack: Don't forget about snorting.

Skull: Ah, yes. And snorting. Lots and lots of snorting.

Cossack: Thank yo--WAIT. *bangs head on the table*

Drill: Not like this conversation isn't reeking of intelligence, I am wondering where Rebel is.

Narrator: As if on cue, Rebel slowly came downstairs, his eyes scrunched up, making him look like he had just woken up and the sun was too bright.

Everyone (except Cossack): Morning, Rebel!

Ring: Morning.

Bright: What wrong with joo, boy?

Ring: Nothing.

Narrator: And so the Comrade's continue to have breakfast. Afterward...

Dive: Hey Rebel, AM doesn't want to play any video games, so how about it?

Ring: No thank you.

Dive: ...Say, are you all right? You've been looking like that ever since you came downstairs.

Ring: What do you mean?

Pharaoh: He means you have a really strange look on your face and it is starting weird us all out.

Dust: Seriously, if anything is wrong just tell us.

Toad: This is true!

Ring: Oh, well... I have a reason.

Dive: Oh?

Ring: Yes... I have decided to practice in the ancient art of kung-fu.

Pharaoh: ...What?

Ring: Do not question the kung-fu! *karate chops Jade's arm off*

Pharaoh: HOLY sh**!! MY ARM!! HE KARATE CHOPPED MY FREAKING ARM OFF!! *falls to the floor screaming in pain*

Dive: Wow.

Dust: Amazing.

Toad: NICE!!

Narrator: The other Comrades eventually came in to see what was up.

Drill: Jade? What the heck happened here?

Pharaoh: *Flailing about* MY ARM!! KUNG-FU!! REBEL!! PAIN!!

Drill: Say no more. *to Rebel* What did you do?

Ring: I showed him my kung-fu skills.

Drill: You don't take kung-fu.

Ring: Says who?

Drill: Says the guy who drives you everywhere.

Ring: Touché.

Skull: That must have been a powerful blow to take off your arm with one chop. And to attack an ally like that with no warning... *rubs his chin*

Bright: Joo better not be doin' no wrongin'!

Skull: You wound me. Do I honestly look like I would backstab the very people who took me in?

Dive: Actually...

Dust: Yeah, you do.

Skull: Damn. Oh well.

Drill: In all seriousness, let's find out the reasoning behind this. Let's go, guys!

Narrator: Thus the Comrades set off on a quest to find why Rebel is acting so strangely... They go to many places...

Mr. Incredible: Nope, none of our super villains have been messing with you guys.

Narrator: And more places...

Dr. Wily: I haven't had time to bother you suckers! I've been at war with my lunatic robots for a week now and I--*hair gets caught on fire*--WATER!! I NEED WATER!!

Narrator: And other places...

King Met: What? Rebel? Is he that guy with the rubber ducky?

Narrator: To even stranger places...

Magna Centipede: I'd punch him in the face and hand him a bunch of ninja gear! SCREW KARATE!!

Narrator: Possibly even similar places...

Dr. Wily: WHERE THE HECK IS THAT WATER?!

Narrator: They finally head back home...

Drill: Man, I'm beat.

Toad: This is very true!

Pharaoh: *Has his arm duct taped on* Even after all that looking around we still didn't find any clues...

Skull: I say we follow that Magna Centipede guy's advice and punch him in the face. Several times. With a knife.

Bright: Violence ain't teh answer, boy!

Dive: Most we can do now is let the doctor check him.

Drill: Sounds good to me.

Narrator: And so the Comrades take Rebel to Cossack...

Drill: Doctor, can you check up on Rebel for us?

Cossack: What's this, all of a sudden?

Dive: He's been acting weird.

Dust: Really weird.

Toad: I think he's even crazier than I am right now!

Cossack: All right, all right. I'll see what can I do. Just bring him in here and wait downstairs in the living room.

Narrator: Zymeth and Jade lead Rebel to Cossack's lab and leave him there with Cossack.

Cossack: Okaaaaay. So what's the problem, Rebel?

Ring: =.=

Cossack: Um... hello?

Ring: =.=

Cossack: What in the world are you doing?

Ring: Making kung-fu face. =.=

Cossack: Why...?

Ring: Makes me look like kung-fu man. =.=

Cossack: I see... So, why are you so into kung-fu all of a sudden?

Ring: ME MAKE MORE SERIOUS KUNG-FU FACE OKAY?

Cossack: Uh, right...

Ring: ==============.==============

Cossack: *sweat drops*

Ring: Me make sensei proud.

Cossack: You aren't making any sense, Rebel.

Ring: WHO YO SENSEI?!

Cossack: What did you just say to me?!

Ring: HIYAAAAAAAAH!!! *karate chops*

Cossack: EEEK!! *dodges*

Narrator: Rebel starts to karate chop all of Cossack's equipment and machines, until they all explode, leaving a giant hole on the side of the citadel! Everyone in the building races to the scene...

Kalinka: What happened here? Father?!

Cossack: Oh what a beautiful morning... what a beautiful day... I have a beautiful feeling...

Narrator: *Sigh* That everything has gone astray.

Drill: My god, Rebel! What the heck is wrong with you?

Pharaoh: Yeah man! Stop with the kung-fu!

Skull: Even this goes beyond my standards. How detestable.

Ring: Stop... kung-fu?

Everyone: Yes!

Ring: ...EVIL!! *starts karate chopping everyone present*

Everyone: AAHHHHHHH!!!

Narrator: The next day...

Toad: *covering a large box with tape* Tape is fun!

Drill: *covered in tape* Yeah. Sure. Whatever.

Dust: Do you think we are making the right choice?

Cossack: He attacked everyone and destroyed everything. He has got to go!

Kalinka: I agree. We don't know what has got into him... but that karate chop movement... I must learn it as well! *karate chops Cossack into oblivion*

Cossack: Ow! Hey! Stop! What did I do?! *runs away*

Toad: *Gets up* All done!!

Pharaoh: All right, then I'll send him to the post office.

Dive: Let's say goodbye to our old comrade! *salutes*

Narrator: Everyone else salutes as Jade takes Rebel's packaged form to the post office. When he comes back, he is by himself.

Pharaoh: Whew... well, it's done.

Skull: So he's gone?

Pharaoh: Yep.

Narrator: The Comrades suddenly realize how quiet it is without Rebel.

Bright: It quiet.

Dive: Yeah...

Drill: You know, I think I--

Cossack: DAMNIT KALINKA STOP HITTING ME!!

Kalinka: HOW DARE YOU YELL AT YOUR DAUGHTER!! *continues karate chopping*

Drill: ...Nope, nevermind.

Dive: AM! I challenge you to a game of Madden 4624!

Drill: You're on!

Narrator: And so life continued for the Comrades. Elsewhere, however...

DING DONG

Crash: *Opens the door* Yeeeees?

UPS Man: Package for one Dr. Wily!

Crash: I'll take it for him.

UPS Man: Sure thing, just sign on the dotted line. *hands him a pen and clipboard*

Crash: *Takes them and signs it* There.

UPS Man: Thank you! *leaves*

Crash: *Looks at the package* Hmm... wonder what's in it?

Narrator: Darksage takes the package and carries it into the Wily's Warrior's living room, where the other members are lounging.

Metal: Oooh, a package! Is it for me? What's in it? Is it for me? What's in it? Is it for me? What's in it? Is it for me? What's in--

Heat: *Punches Naoshi, killing him*

Narrator: As Mr. Whiz comes in to carry off Naoshi, the rest of the members are deciding what to do with it.

Quick: I say we open it.

Bubble: But isn't it for Wily?

Quick: So?

Wood: We should follow orders and wait for Wily to open it.

Quick: Or... we could open it now and save him the trouble of opening it himself later.

Flash: Ooh, good idea! *starts to pull on the tape* I hope there's something good inside, like a Totodile!

Heat: *Knocks Cyros out of the way* Shut the hell up you moron. I'll open it. *sets the box on fire*

Air: Hey uh... do you think that was really a good idea?

Heat: Do you want to meet my foot?

Air: *Shuts up*

Heat: C'mon! Burn! Then we can see what crap Wily buys so we can maim him with it!

Quick: Hey, I think I see something!

Ring: IT HOT I KUNG-FU YOU!!

Everyone: Wha?

Ring: HIYAAAAAAH!! *leaps out of the fire and kicks Heat in the face, then uses it as a springboard to bounce off him and cling onto the ceiling fan*

Wood: It's a bird!

Bubble: It's a plane!

Quick: No, it's--

Heat: DEAD MEAT!!!

Narrator: Ben starts jumping up and down in vain to catch Rebel who was holding on for dear life.

Ring: Hah! Short man too-too short to reach! Kung-fu prevail!!

Heat: Grrr... I'M GONNA KILL YOU!! *runs out of the room and comes back with a machine gun*

Warriors: AHH!! *runs out*

Metal: *Enters* Ahh, I feel much better. Hey guys, what's going on? *gets shot by Ben and dies*

Heat: *Laughing maniacally as the clip runs out of ammo* How was that?!

Ring: Your silly weapon has no effect on me! *drops multiple bullets out of his hands*

Heat: ...No way.

Air: *Peeks into the room* Is anyone dead in here?

Heat: Naoshi is.

Air: Oh thank God!

Narrator: As Mr. Whiz comes by again to pick Naoshi up, Wily eventually enters to see what is going on.

Dr. Wily: Interesting. So, you are telling me that the Comrades packaged Rebel in a box and shipped him here?

Crash: Yeah, that's about right.

Dr. Wily: Obviously it was an attempt by that fool Cossack to sabotage me! Well, it looks like he failed. Mwahahahah.

Ballade: What should we do, Dr. Wily?

Bass: Hey, that's my line!

Ballade: Not in a CC epilogue, it isn't!

Quick: *coughs* Suck ups.

Bass and Ballade: What did you say?!

Quick: Eh? What're you talking about?

Dr. Wily: Quiet! I am thinking... yes... I've got it!

Wood: Alzheimer's?

Dr. Wily: Shut up. Tomorrow... war!! *laughs*

Narrator: The next day the Comrade's are seen outside in a big grassy field. AM is holding a letter, reading it.

Drill: "Come wait for us in the big grassy field. We will be waiting with the golden tacos. Signed, Wily's Warriors." *looks at Keba* Just how did you get us to go with this ridiculous plan?

Bright: Nevah question teh tacos!

Dive: Quiet guys, I think I see someone coming.

Quick: *Runs up to Jade* Hey, I've got a present for you! *hands him a bomb and runs off*

Pharaoh: This can't be good for me. *explodes*

Drill: Crap--It's a trap!

Skull: All right, then let's kill them all!

Narrator: As Zymeth said those words both the Comrades and the Warriors started duking it out. Neither side shows any sign of stopping and halfway through things started to heat up.

Bubble: *Panting* Man... these guys are... good...

Air: *to Wood* What do you think our chances are?

Wood: Well, Naoshi has died four times since this fight started, but they only have seven guys, so we are even.

Skull: What are you guys whispering about?

Metal: About how your momma is sooooooo fat, she--*is stabbed by Zymeth's scythe and dies*

Skull: Never use such a redundant joke EVER again. Do you comprehend that?

Heat: ROAR VIOLENCE BLOODSHED MURDER DEATH DESTRUCTION!!

Dive: Them's fightin' words! *readies a missile*

Quick: Wait! Can't we like, work this out or something?

Pharaoh: You set us up the bomb.

Toad: And how!!

Narrator: The Comrades slowly started to advance toward the Warriors, who's confidence and morale was slowly starting to deteriorate.

Dr. Wily: Stop!

Comrades: Huh?

Dr. Wily: That's right! Now that you have all been good little boys and girls and fought for a while, I am going to finish you Comrades off once and for all!

Drill: And just how are you going to do that?

Dr. Wily: Thought you would never ask! Come on out, Rebel!

Ring: Hey all.

Pharaoh: Rebel?!

Toad: And how!!

Skull: You backstabber! Although I must admit that was rather evil of you...

Drill: Rebel, why are you helping Wily?

Ring: ME PRACTICE MORE KUNG-FU GOGO!! *karate chops AM*

Drill: Ow. *hits him back*

Ring: *Hits back*

Drill: *Hits back*

Heat: *Joins in and hits AM*

Drill: *Hits Rebel*

Ring: *Hits Ben*

Heat: *Hits AM*

Drill: *Hits Rebel*

Ring: *Hits Ben*

Heat: *Hits AM*

Drill: *Hits Rebel*

Ring: *Hits Ben*

Heat: *Hits AM*

Drill: *Hits Rebel*

Ring: *Hits Ben*

Heat: *Sets them both on fire*

Ring and Drill: HOT!! *starts running around sporadically*

Toad: Wee!! *mimics them*

Dr. Wily: This is pathetic.

Dive: You started it.

Bright: Boy, you best start repentin'!

Dr. Wily: Or not. Get them, Warriors!

Narrator: The Warriors turn the tables by slowly advancing on the remaining Comrades.

Crash: Hope you all don't take this personally.

Air: We'll be sure to make good use of your parts, though.

Flash: I'm gonna make me some Steel-type Pokémon!

Everyone: Shut up about Pokémon!

Drill: *Uses the stop, drop and roll method to put himself out* Wait, Rebel! Why are we doing this? We need to save our friends!

Ring: *Put himself out using a kung-fu technique* Save... friends?

Drill: Yeah! Have you really lost that much?

Ring: Lost... much?

Drill: I mean, sheesh... all this for some silly old kung-fu? You would let your friends die because of it?

Ring: ...

Drill: Well?

Ring: ...You were the guys that put me in the box and sent me to Dr. Wily.

Drill: *Smacks Rebel* Don't question your leader.

Ring: Sorry.

Drill: Now get out there and kick some Wily butt!

Ring: SIR!! *runs over to Wily* Hi.

Dr. Wily: Oh, you're back. Good, then you can help the Warriors destroy your friends. Heheheh... of the all the humiliation for that Cossack to face... having his own robot assist in such an act!

Ring: So, uh...

Dr. Wily: What? What is it?

Ring: ME NO KUNG-FU AND I GO BOOM SHAKALAKA!! *karate chops Wily's saucer, causing it to explode*

Dr. Wily: EEEEK!! SOMEONE SAVE ME!!

Metal: *Runs onto the scene* Uh-oh! Dr. Wily is in trouble! RETREAT!!

Narrator: The Warriors quickly run away leaving the Comrades behind... and Dr. Wily.

Dr. Wily: Gah! You idiots aren't supposed to run unless I say so! Wait for me!! *chases after them*

Dive: And that is a wrap.

Drill: Let's go back home, guys.

Dust: With Rebel as well?

Drill: Yeah, why not? He saved our lives. He deserves it.

Ring: YAY!!

Bright: I smellz a taco party!

Narrator: And so the Comrades all left the battlefield, hand-in-hand, as they all sang a happy song.

Ring: Happy song? ME NO LIKEY!! *karate chops*

Narrator: *Screams as he is K.O.'d*

The End

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