Cossack's Comrades

Alpha Season 4: Epilogue 8

Diveman vs the Deceptidrunks

Narrator: In the newly rebuilt Citadel, people stir…

Toad: Hmm, this armor looks nice.

Drill: I honestly couldn’t think of any person to take her place Reg,

Toad: I appreciate that. So, what is our plan for today?

Dust: Well I was hoping we could do some tests on our Transmetal bodies…

Dive: Screw tat’. I’m getting’ hammered.

Dust: Dive, all you do is drink and sleep. That will get you nowhere in life.

Dive: I take offense to tat’. I also attack the cat!


Pharaoh: Perhaps we should just relax today. We finally have a roof over our heads. Plus, it is best that we calm down after that horrible tragedy.

Drill: Speaking of tragedies…what are we going to do about a Skullman? We run out of these guys faster then the Enterprise and Red Shirts. And I really liked the last one.

Bright: Maybe we could get someone a little more cheery.

Skull: Hello?

Dive: *Takes a Swig* Nah. It’s not Rainbowman. It’s Skullman. Dumb bimbo. He needs ta be dark.

Skull: I am dark. What are you fools doing?

Drill: We can discuss this later. However, I have planned a trip for us!

Dust: Really? Where?

Drill: You will see. To the Cossack Mobile!

Ring: Oi! That’s my line.

Skull: If you won't acknowledge me then I won't come.

Narrator: And so the Comrades drive to a little building.

Drill: Alright, Dive this is the place. Let’s go in.

Dive: What kind of a strip club is this?

Bright: Strip Club?!

Drill: I never mentioned a strip club Dive…

Man: Hi, you must be the Joan Cusec’s Comrades. Come on in.

Ring: What?

Man: Mr. Diveman, welcome. I am Bill Nye. Do you know why you are here?

Dive: Hell yes! I came for the strippers!

Bill: Er…no. Welcome to your first AA meeting!

Dive: WHAT?! Bossman, I am shamed!

Drill: You have a problem man. I mean, I really can’t think of a way that you drinking would help us.

Narrator: Meanwhile in the Decepticon’s Underwater Base…

Megatron: Starscream, you idiot! You caused failure once again!

Rumble: Yeah!

Frenzy: You suck!

Starscream: How dare you! I am he who will be king! My time will come Megatron! Just wait and see!

Soundwave: Megatron superior. Starscream inferior.

Megatron: Heh yes Soundwave. It is time we make another attack on these “Robot Masters.” They will fall!

Starscream: But what about Prime! We should strike him now!

Megatron: IMBECILE! Prime is not important now! Frenzy.

Frenzy: Yes Lord Megatron.

Megatron: I…wait…I thought you were red.

Frenzy: Nope, I’ve always been blue.

Megatron: Oh. I want you to look up where these fools are.

Frenzy: Sure bossman. Nemesis 1, scan for designation Drillman.

Nemesis 1: Acknowledged. Subject located. AA Center. Moscow.

Megatron: Excellent! Decepticons, attack!

Narrator: Unaware of their imminent attack, the Comrades watch as Diveman participates in the AA meeting.

Bill: So Diveman, do you think you have a problem?

Dive: No. Are you retarded?

Bill: This is getting us nowhere!

Toad: You must admit, this is quite amusing.

Dust: Do you honestly think this is going to work?

Drill: Honestly? No. I figured it would be good for a laugh. We need some of those.

Bill: Beer kills. Your body can’t take too much of it.

Dive: Body? I’M A ROBOT!

Bill: Gah! Drinking will not do anything for you! There will never be a time that it will help you!

Narator: Suddenly, the Decepticons burst in!


Dive: Pussy.

Megatron: You eluded our grasp once, you cannot escape again!

Dive: Eh, big whoop. You don’ scare me. I could kick your ass.

Starscream: Hah! What’s the matter Megatron? Are you gonna let him do that?

Megatron: SILENCE STARSCREAM! Really now? I can defeat you in anything. Name your preference of death.

Dive: Drinkin contest. You. Me. Now.

Megatron: Very well! Bring me Energon! Ah, thank you Rumble.

Soundwave: Lord Megatron, that is Frenzy.

Megatron: Primus why do you guys keep switching colors?

Rumble: I dunno.

Bright: Go Dive!

Ring: I must commend you Drill, this is turning out to be most fun.

Drill: Agreed. Give that man a bottle of Vodka!

Dive: Give me Vodka, Maalox, Brandy, I don’t care! Lets get it going!

Narrator: And the drinking contest begins!

Megatron: You puny fleshling creation! You cannot win!

Dive: Say tat’ ta me after five bottles!

Starscream: Fall Mighty Megatron!

*Thirty Seven Bottles/ Cubes Later*

Dive: Heh heh. You know what? *Hic* You are a beautiful Decepticon.

Megatron: Nah! You shoulda seen me at my peak! Without this crappy earth disguise, I was a god!

Soundwave: Megatron prevails!

Pharaoh: Don’t count on it. This isn’t over.

*Twenty more bottles/ cubes later*

Megatron: If I were a flower growing wild and free all I’d want is you to be my sweet honey bee!

Dive: And if I were a tree growin tall an’ green all I’’d want is you ta shade me and me my leaves.

Megatron: Aw! That is…that iss…ugh.

*Megatron collapses*

Starscream: YES! He has fallen! I am the new Leader of the Decepticons!

Soundwave: Negative. He still functions.

Rumble: But he lost his pride.

Skywarp: We will return you robot rejects! Astrotrain, get us out of here! And get some Chaser!

Narrator: And so the Decepticons leave, and our heroes journey back home.

Drill: I’m sorry Dive. I guess we learned that your drinking is the best thing for us.

Dive: Damn straight bossman! Now get me home so I can take a nap on tat’ little cat!

Drill: Well then...hmm I'm getting a call. Hello?

Skull: Where have you all been? It's been hours.

Drill: Who is this?

Skull: Hunter. Your Skullman.

Drill: Oh I guess Cossack must have gotten us a Skull while we were gone.

Skull: ...I hate you all.

Narrator: And they drive into the sunset, ending yet another epilogue. And as for Bill? Well…

Bill: I quit! Give me beer, or give me death.

Hard: Hey am I late for the AA meeting?

Bill: GAH!!!!!


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