(We begin this tale in a place many should not be aware of. The siege of a company which, under an official cover, funds and plots ways to take over the world.
The Comrades have learned to fear and hate these felons, for it is ... Black Lotus.)
Yin : At last, we're done, brother.
Yang : Indeed. I must say this here may be our masterpiece.
(Between the two scientists, lying on a table, is a laptop, of a matter so dark it seems to absorb light.)
Yin : We have experimented quite a few set of esoteric techniques for this marvel.
Yang : And so simple to use ... We write down the victim's name, and he dies in the forty next seconds !
Yin : Yes ... The CEO will truly love this. But let us get some deserved rest.
Yang : Wise words from a wise man. Your turn to pay the coffee.
(As the two sinister men left the room, two silhouettes appeared from a dark corner. Though they defend justice, they may be just as frightening as their opponents.)
Regulus : We can't let Black Lotus keep this any longer.
Hunter : *nods* Shall we take any more here ?
Regulus : *walks closer to the laptop* With this weapon, I could fix the world. So many deserve to disappear... I must have it ! *rushes on the table*
Hunter : *grabs Regulus by his scarf* Hasn't Black Lotus done enough damage in this world ?
Regulus : *stops, and passes a hand on his neck*... Right. You keep this under security. Let it not fall under dangerous hands. Not even mine !
Hunter : As you command. *grabs the laptop*
(The duo went back to their Citadel as silently as they came.)
Regulus : If you excuse me, some things must be taken care of at the HQ.
Hunter : I understand.
Regulus : Take care. *teleports away*
Hunter : *looks at his package* Now, to take care of this.
Geoff : Comin' through ! *barges into Hunter*
(It hurts when a sub walks right into you.)
Geoff : S'rry, but ole Walker is callin' me ! *spots the laptop* Free comp ! Deal ! *grabs it and dashes away*
Hunter : This ... does not bode well. *falls unconscious*
(In Dive's room, after the murder of a Scotch bottle...)
Geoff : Now that' Johnnie has come and gone, let's write ta Miss Palmer ! *switches the comp on*
Laptop : Please type the victim's name.
Geoff : Hm ? A prank machine ? Heh. Gonna make ole Pertwee's education... *laughes and types*
Laptop : Claude Pertwee aknowledged. Type punishment. If nothing is typed, default punishment will be heart stroke.
Geoff : Tough choice. Howsabout "rhino" ? *types*
Laptop : "Rhino" aknowledged. Add a specific time ?
Geoff : Now.
Laptop : Aknowledged. Sentence will be executed in 40 seconds.
Geoff : Now, ta hear ole bore's reaction ... *looks from his window* Hey, is that a zoo truck ?
Pertwee *in his house* : What a wonderful day of gardening, without any savages around ! But - what's this ?
(It's a rhino charging out of a truck, and stomping flowers - and the Comrades' neighbour.)
Pertwee : S-s-savages ! *dies*
Geoff : HOLY SHIT ! Awesomest thing I e'er saw since Crystal's cassette ! *looks at his room* I'm low on fuel. Gonna fill this up, then ! *grabs the laptop as he rushes out*
(But store owners have learned to fear and hate Dive as well.)
Clerk : No, no and no, Mr Diveman ! You still owe us for 4,000 $ in liquor !
Geoff : Damn. An' ta think ye're the last liquor store in town... what if ole Missiles got ta chat a bit ?
Clerk : We have an emergency line to the Special Forces casern in Moscow.
Geoff : Ah ? Get lost, then. *puts himself in a corner of the store* it's not gonna happen like this ... *types in* Sergueï Ivanov, run over by a truck, now !
(And after 40 seconds...)
Clerk : Hey, that truck lost its wheels ! And it's on fire ! And it's COMING RIGHT AT US ! *gets squashed by the truck*
Geoff : WOOHOO ! *grabs bottles and runs away*
(But now, was the time for the unthinkable : Dive doubting the morality of his actions !)
Geoff : That's two people I killed. Only by typing in this Death Lappy. Do I really deserve this kind of power over human life, considering my hands are still soaked with the blood of innocents ? ... *slaps himself* Get a hold of yerself, man ! Ye're not one ta worry over such pansy-ass stuff ! Now, let's have a fun, murder-filled night while plastered !
(Oh, boy. We're in trouble.)
Geoff : professor Princess ! Death by superdickery !
Professor Princess :*in front of a toy store* I love you so much, Powdered Sugar ! Now, let's destroy those awful, violent toys ! *gets blasted by Superman*
Superman : Did I just act evil again ? My bad.
Geoff : Crorq ! Death by vengeance !
Crorq : INNNNFIDEELLS ! Blah-blah infiiiidels ! *throws a Royale Cheese at Avi*
Avi *snaps* : THAT'S IT ! *rips Crorq apart*
Geoff : Starscream ! Death by blackmail !
Megatron : Starscream ! What exactly is the meaning of this ? *holds pictures of himself drunk*
Starscream : it's simple, oh great leader ! Leave the spot, or the troops will know of this !
Megatron : My patience is over. *blasts Starscream into cosmic dust.*
Geoff : The Smurfs ! Death by hunger !
Papa Smurf : It's a smurfy day here, smurfs !
Hefty Smurf : Look ! The Smurfalypse is coming !
Unicron : I HUNGER. *devours the Smurf village* WHY DID I CHOOSE THIS SPOT IN PARTICULAR ? OH, WELL. BACK TO EAT THE TELETUBBIES' WORLD.
(And so on. Until the morning...)
Hunter : *pokes Geoff* Wake up.
Geoff : Bwuh ? AAHH !! S'rry, Mr Death, I didn't mean ta steal your job !
Hunter : You seem confused.
Geoff : Ah. It's only Boner Jr here.
Hunter : Dive, I have been watching you using this Death Lappy.
Geoff : So ? Jealous ?
Hunter : I must put an end to this. If you carry on at this rate, in a single week, you'll have finished the Scissor Army's mission.
Geoff : Heh. Can't help if I'm good.
Hunter : Though, I must express my surprise at you being so informed on the government of Luxembourg.
Geoff : Everybody gotta have a hobby. The ones I had killed with jelly, rite ?
Hunter : I never thought I'd have to know how much of it can be use to choke a man. It is ... unexpected.
Geoff : Heh. Yer "stop ta kill stuff" speech inspired me, Skeletor. if I use this toy right, I could reshape the world ta my liking !
Hunter : Which means ?
Geoff : Floozies on the street, fat loads of cash sent daily on a screen bank account, or I go mass-genociding again. Deal fer me.
Hunter : I'm afraid these plans will be stopped by the police. *turns the TV on*
(On all channels, simultaneously around the world, there was a retransmission from the UN Meeting Room. In its center, a short, nervous man was speaking.)
? : Err ... Right. You, the murderer guy - shall we go by Kira ? Kira, then. My name is Jeremy R. Doe, alias R, the world's greatest detective.
Geoff : Bullshit. That guy looks like my accountant - if I had one.
R : The world has suffered too much to fall under your grasp, kira. Surrender now, and we will be clement to you.
Geoff : Wha' ? Accountants tellin' me what ta do ? Screw this ! *grabs the Lappy* Jeremy R. Doe, death by scanner !
(And after forty seconds ... someone's head exploded like a watermelon.)
Geoff : Awesome.
(Then, the screen faded to black, as a blue, gothic-styled "R" appeared on the screen.)
R : I expected you would react like this, Kira. This person here was only a decoy.
Geoff : Damn ! ... At least it was a cool asplodin'.
R : Thanks to his sacrifice, I was able to pinpoint your location. We shall meet soon, Kira. Take care, until then. *TV stops*
Geoff : Let me guess. Ya don't know whose voice it was ?
Hunter : I can only say it was altered, but in no ways I am forced to help you using the Lappy.
Geoff : Then why do ya keep on stalkin' me ?
Hunter : My mission is to look after the Lappy, whoever it goes to.
Geoff : Sweet. Then, it means ya must keep me alive so that th' Lappy is safe ? And so, help me ?
Hunter : In the limits of my orders.
Geoff : Ye're being unhelpful on purpose, Skeletor.
(The persons who lost this artifact have a story to say as well.)
Yin : It's this Kira who stole it ! I'm certain ! If we get our hands on him...
Yang : ... then the boss will have a long discussion on how we didn't put guards for it.
Yin : For a coffee machine that was three steps away ?
Yang : There's no such thing as overprotection. And I remind you it took you ten minutes to choose your damn drink.
Screen *lits* : I sense you're in trouble, gentlemen.
Yin : Who ?! You're R, right ? Who do you work for ?
R : Only for myself, my good friends. Oh, and just to start on a healthy basis, I know EVERYTHING of your little jobs. So, let's not threaten each other with blackmail, okay ?
Yang : ... fine. And what will be the price for your silence ?
R : Destruction of the Lappy once it's retrieved. Can you allow me that ?
Yin : What ? No ! Do you realize -
Yang : *hushes his brother* We accept your conditions, R. *to Yin* Remember the company's policy : privacy or death. You love that rule, isn't it ?
R : Nice to see you behaving as reasonable adults. Take care. *screen goes off*
Yang : We should see this as the opportunity for a new project, right ?
Yin : Sure, but ... what will we say to our collaborators ?
(Let's leave these scientists for now, and see how our favorite mass murderer is doing.)
Hunter : *enters Dive's room* Your beers.
Geoff : *grabs the bottles* Ye're on th' way fer being a good butler, Bag-o-bones.
Hunter : May I ask what your course of actions will be ? Especially against this "R" ?
Geoff : Firs' of all, I'll do th' most important thing in a day. I'll take a beer ... AND DRINK IT crorqexclamation.gif!
(Epic Beer Drinking ensued. With a gruff submarine who'd make sailors blush at his swears.)
Hunter : My records don't indicate that you're known for over-dramatism.
Geoff : *swiping his mouth* Eh ? Must come with th' jimbo. Now, what do ya know of R ?
Hunter : Nothing I can tell you. However, I can give you access to my own database.
Geoff : There's a catch, I guess.
Hunter : *nods, as his monocle glows a brighter, blood red, and shadows grow around him* The browser consists of a small device implemented in your brain. However, due to certain incompatibilities, you'll have to give up on something you cherish and crave.
Geoff : Which is ?
Hunter : *in a bone-chilling whisper* You'll have to give up drinking until your shutdown.
Geoff : Okay, screw ya.
Hunter : *back to normal* I proposed you my help.
Geoff : Yeah, but I'm not willin' ta pay th' price. How can I enjoy my perfect world if half of its pleasures are closed ta me ?
Hunter : *nods* An interesting reflexion.
Geoff : Sure. And, now, ta look fer clues... *walks out of his room*
John : *bumps into Dive* Ow ! Sorry, sir !
Geoff : No prob, Ringo. So, what ... are ya ... *runs away*
John :And AM said I'd find the place boring.
Geoff : (Of course ! R is fer Ringman ! Now, ta have him disappearin' ...)
Sean : Dive ! where have you been yesterday night ?
Geoff : (Uh-oh.) Well, uh, drinkin' th' night away. Ask Skully.
Sean : Ah. I wasn't sure, so ... hey, is that a new laptop ? Can I have a look ?
Geoff : (he musn't see it !) *points* Look ! A dead seagull !
Sean : Where ? *turns back, but Dive has left* That was quite a bad joke.
Geoff : *hidden in a closet* Now, ta make these nosy fellas disappear... John, death by novelty, and Sean, death by curiosity. *types* Done !
John : Hi, Dust. Seen Dive ?
Sean : Yup. He looked quite busy.
John : Ah. I think he ... nevermind him, I feel the sudden urge to juggle with chainsaws.
Sean : Oh ? Mind if I look ?
John :No prob !
(Well, there's a reason you don't see many juggling with chainsaws. It's all about training. And poor John had none.)
Geoff : *listens to the last screams with an evil smile* Just as planned.
AM : *walks on the corpses* Is that ... ? Primus, no. *in inter-team comm* EVERYONE IN THE MEETING ROOM, QUICK !
AM : Everyone here ? Good. As you may know, there's a criminal known as Kira acting recently.
Geoff : *snickers, and chugs from his flask*
AM : I believe he is connected to the deaths of Samuel and John. Chainsaws ... that's not pretty. Anyway, if you see anything suspicious, report to me immediately, okay ?
Jade : Count on me.
Regulus : I must go and protect the Assassins as well. Take care.
Geoff : (Hang on. What did lil' Kermit just say ?) *fires a Dive Missile at Regulus*
Regulus : *screams*
Geoff : No prob, Froggie is fine. Or should I say, "R" ?
Regulus : *stands up* Took you long enough to guess, "Kira".
Geoff : Yer butler didn't help me on th' case. Silent as a tombstone. *takes the Lappy* Jus' like you soon.
AM : Geoff, don't do this !
Regulus : *gets closer and grabs the Lappy* The world needs many corrections. And you're on the list.
Geoff : *starts wrestling the Lappy from Regulus' hands* Ah, Lil' Emo was scared of th' mean weapon of mass destruction ? So ya let ole Skeletor handle th' stuff.
Regulus : *punches Geoff* Seeing what kind of scum found it, I regret doing so.
(A brawl begins, as dick fights bastard for the ultimate weapon.)
Jade : I ... don't feel it's safe to enter the fight.
AM : For once, I am left out of options.
Hunter : Then allow me to proceed. *walks to the fight, and grabs the Lappy*
Regulus *with a bloody face* : Hunter ! As Commander of Blue Fox, I order you to give this to me !
Geoff *with a similarly damaged face* Don't listen ta him ! Gimme now !
Hunter : As I suspected, the power of the Lappy is to exacerb the user's will to rule and kill. Look what you are doing now.
Regulus and Geoff : ...
Hunter : But I was built with the single purpose of obeying orders. Neither ambition nor greed lead me. Thanks to my lack of emotions, I can see the only logical thing to do. *crushes the Lappy*
Regulus and Geoff : NO !
? : *claps* Impressive, brother.
(Everyone turns to see two decayed figures : one is little more than a mummy in a red cloak, and the other is a muscular wizard, whose face only displays a single expression : a skeletic smile.)
Hunter : Skeletor ...
Jade ... and Mumm-Ra. What brings you here ?
Skeletor : Nyah ! The Lappy, of course ! Who do you think helped building it ?
AM : But why ?
Mumm-Ra : The money, of course ! You start bringing in all these damn obscure 80s cartoon characters and you forgot us ? WE ARE THE 80s !
Skeletor : And we found ourselves without royalties ! Do you imagine how much it costs to pay for the healthcare of my minions ?
Mumm-Ra : So we worked with Black Lotus, and created this cursed artifact. For a nice sum of cash, might I add. *cackles evilly*
Hunter : I imagine your disappointment at its destruction.
Skeletor : What ? No ! We devised it so that destroying it would bring the victims back to life.
Geoff : That sucks.
Mumm-Ra : *gurgles as he laughs* But we said nothing of its mechanical victims' structural integrality...
(And indeed, what poor victims.)
Crorq : *awakes* Huh ? Why am I a head ? INNNNNNFIDELS !
Avi : Did my new paperweight talk ? Nah, just my imagination.
Starscream : Back to life ! And ... WHY IS MY HEAD ON A SPIKE ?!
Megatron : Ah, Starscream. I took on the hobby of putting my enemies' head on trophies.
Starscream : But why am I on top of Hot Rod's head ?
Megatron : I needed an actual Autobot's head, and that's the only one Prime allowed me to take. Tell you what, he insisted on killing him before.
Starscream : Ah, okay.
John : *is missing an arm and has a chainsaw in his head* Whoah. The world feels dizzy ... *falls*
Sean : *has a chainsaw in his vaccuum* Tell me about it.
Geoff : I love ya guys.
Pertwee *barges in*: You SAVAGES ! How dare you release wild animals in my house !
Skeletor : Oh, and everyone else is back in shape and alive.
Mumm-Ra : And remembers the pain. *gurgles more*
Skeletor & Mumm-Ra : Take care ! *disappear in a puff of smoke*
Jade : Woah.
AM : Geoff, your punishment for these murders are to repair Pertwee's house.
Geoff : *creaks his knuckles* Sweet.
Regulus : That's not a punishment ! It's a recreation !
AM : But in the end, there were no murders, right ?
Regulus : ... Right.
AM : Now that it's fine and dandy, let's relax with some Star Wars, okay ?
(And such, ended the legend of the Death Lappy. You may wonder about AM's lack of morality, and you may be right. Aren't humans the true Gods of Death in the end ?
Oh, God. Pass me a beer and let's stop serious narrating until Armaggedon, that will be fine.)