Cossack's Comrades

Cossack's Comrades Season 1: Epilogue 19

“Cookies!”
By Avi (Pharaoh Woman)

ON THE LAST EPISODE

(Pharaoh walks into the room, her belly larger than usual)

Pharaoh Woman: My people! I come bearing joyous news in regards to the future of our kingdom!

Ring Man: Oh, don’t tell me! Let me guess, you ate cookies, and… got fat, right?

Pharaoh Woman: …

Ring Man: …Um… well, using my detective skills… the ep is called “Cookies,” and… well, I kind of went from there… PLEASE DON’T HURT ME.

Pharaoh Woman: Oh ho ho, I would never do such a thing! But my heir on the other hand… *rubs her belly* …might not be so merciful.

Dust Man: OH, I see, the big twist was that you were supposed to be pregnant. Robots can’t get pregnant, you know; so my assumption was on Ring Man’s proposition. I just didn’t say anything because I thought it would be rude. And would it be rude not to laugh, since this is so obviously a fabrication to make sure we all read the previous episode?

Pharaoh Woman: …yes? Erm, no? I mean… HAH! I commandeth thee to laugh, mortals, for I have made what you might call “a funny!”

Pharaoh Woman: …erm, sorry, I just, um, wanted to be, how you say, the lone beacon of amusement in this dire situation. With Drill captured by an eccentric baker and Toad running around out there with supernatural powers, we could do with, like, you know, some optimism… sigh… *pulls a pillow out of her costume*

Dive Man: What an ugly ass baby! *kicks the pillow out the window*

Pharaoh Woman: *winces* Eep! Well… at least he wasn’t the one in line for the throne. Probably would have grown up to attempt an assassination on his twin anyway. *pulls out another pillow*

Dive Man: TWINS?! Sweet God in heaven… I know I’ve been a colossal dick, but do I truly deserve this?

Kalinka: Enough! *fires her shotgun into the air* …okay? I’ve tracked the locations of Toad and Drill. Toad Man seems to have returned to Avalon Bakery. You know how little he listens to reason; so I’m afraid if push comes to shove, force may be needed to bring him back. Ring, Dive, and Pharaoh – you three will go after him.

Bright Babe: So where is Drill Man?

Kalinka:*points to a nearby monitor, which displays a map* See the red dot? He’s three towns away from Toad Man’s green dot. Bright, Dust, and Skull – Search for him!

Dust Man: Just because Skull now has two Richard Nixon heads from eating some of the Cookie Abomination’s dough, doesn’t mean he has the abilities of DWN-061 Search—

Kalinka: Just search already!

Skull Man: Affirmative.

(Location: outside Avalon Bakery. Time: 2:00 AM. The place is still closed, and will be for the next seven hours. Tents and sleeping bags litter the vicinity, all occupied by the innumerable citizens of the nearby town of Gulliberg.

Flippy, AKA Toad Man, stands watch over them all. With the godlike power drawn from the monstrous mass of cookie dough he consumed earlier still coursing through his being, his feet rise above the earth. His newfound angel wings illuminate the dark, and with every flapping motion, heavy winds sway the trees.)

Toad Man: Look at them crashed out on the ground like a bunch of bums… not for long, my pretties! There will be cookies, and you will soon have awesome powers, just like me! And then I will never have to do anything ever again… mweh heh heh…

(There’s rustling in the bushes. Suddenly, Metools!)

Metool: Daddy, look, the humans are camping out for cookies too!

Met Daddy: Are they, now? I guess we’ll just have to change that!

(He leaps into the air. And then – CRASH! The earth rumbles, and each hapless citizen, human and robot alike, is tossed from the comfort of sleep.)

Met Daddy: Who do you ignorant saps think you are, laying claim to MY cookies?! I had a deal with the proprietor of this shop! They are for me, and above all, my children!

Citizen: AAAAH! A talking hat!!

Met Daddy: What, did the nightmare you were having right now just come true? HAH. If you don’t leave, so will the part where your “talking hat” pulverizes your head!

Citizen: Actually, the talking hat in my nightmare covered my eyes while I was watching Batman. It was the one where he teamed up with Roy Orbison to perform “Part of Your World” at my wedding, and I wanted to see it!

Met Daddy: …DIE!

Another Citizen: Yeah, give it up, freak. You’re no match for the Crimson Coyote!

Metool: Who’s the—

(With a mighty gust of wind, Toad Man makes himself known! One flap of his shimmering wings sends the metools into the air!)

Met Daddy: Y-you?! You’re still here?!

Metool: Crimson Coyote? But he’s a green toad!

Toad Man: Hmph! I am Toad Man no more! I have become a newer, better hero… I have become… *puts on a pair of shutter shades, as well as an NES Power Glove* THE BLUE WOLF!! My howl rips through the heavens! AWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

(The humans cover their ears, wreathing in pain)

Citizen: O hero, you’re making us deaf!

Toad Man: Well excuuuuse me, princess. Silence your yap, so that The Purple Fox may do his work without distraction!

(Distracted by his very own yap, Toad becomes coated, head to toe, with oh so many metools! They drag him down to the ground, pummeling him with their pickaxes, all the while leaving an opening to his face…)

Met Daddy: *draws his giant pickaxe* This is for everyone you took from me!

(Met Daddy swings his weapon straight into Toad’s face. CRRRRAAAAACK. It penetrates. The amphibious former comrade lay motionless.)

Met Daddy: They… they’ve been avenged. My children, my friends… all of them… But let us make sure!

(All the mets leap back, firing an endless barrage of plasma at Toad Man. In moments, he is in pieces, shooting sparks into the dark of night.)

Met Daddy: What do you think of your Teal Hyena now?!

(The citizens suddenly begin to panic. The metools begin to chase after them. But then…)

Toad Man: *is suddenly good as new* Hehe, that tickled!

Met Daddy: What… that was an all-out attack!! You were LITERALLY DEAD!!!

(Toad snaps his fingers. Metools begin exploding at random! The citizens cheer, as Met Daddy soon becomes the panicking one.)

Met Daddy: N-no… children, RUN!

(They all begin to retreat, as Toad Man laughs.)

Toad Man: Oh ho ho ho, you’re not getting away that easily! RAIN FLUSH!!!

(Lightning crashes! Tornadoes rage! Trees are uprooted! The earth splits, and fire rises! And then, the rain floods the street in a bath of acid! Mets are destroyed in the matter of seconds! Met Daddy just barely escapes, albeit covered in rust, without his helmet or his weapon…)

Toad Man: And now to finish him off and SAVE THE DAY!

Citizen: W-WAIT! THE ACID RAIN! IT’S BURNING MY SKIN! MAKE IT STOP!

Toad Man: Errrm, well. That’s not good.

Another Citizen: *being spun around in a small tornado* AAAAAAAAAaaaaAAAaaaaAAaaa *tossed into a tree*

Toad Man: That ain’t either.

Citizen #3: *trapped in the ground* I’m stuck! And call it a hunch, but I think everything below my waist is slowly being burned off!

Toad Man: Ah, phooey! But fear not, my heroes-in-training! Since I have god-powers, surely I can make you all better!

(Toad flicks a mist of sparkling fairy dust from his angel wings. Slowly, it travels into the noses of the citizens, making them all better… if one defines “making them all better” as “sending them into psychotic outbursts while accentuating their pain.”)

Toad Man: It’s not working? I guess I’ll just have to try some more then!

Dive Man: Like hell ya will! Collateral damage is MY job!

Ring Man: Flippy! If you want to help clean up the mess you caused, then stop using these “god-powers!”

Pharaoh Woman: *carrying two unconscious citizens over her shoulders* The royal medics will soon ride here aboard their ambulance-wagons. We are to help load up our fair citizens. Are we clear, mortal?

Toad Man: One, I am no mortal, I am a GOD. Thirty-six, sure, if I feel like it. Twelve, hi losers! How long have you been here?

Ring Man: That “Rain Flush” you pulled off gave you away. If you want us to even come close to forgiving you for all the damage you just caused, then you will do exactly as we say.

Toad Man: I left your team, remember? So you have no authority over me! But you are free to join MY team of elite superheroes…What do you think? Old friends?

Pharaoh Woman: Us? Subservient to the emerald scourge of the underworld? Silence your wretched word-hole and like, help these people… Please…

Toad Man: So I see you can’t be reasoned with, like the rabid beasts that you are! I’m afraid that I must… *sniff* put you out of your misery… WAAAH! I LOVE YOU GUYS! PLEASE DON’T MAKE ME DO THIS! *begins to glow…*

Dive Man: Pah, you’re no God. I KNOW God! But if it’s a date with ‘er ya want, so be it…Sorry it had ta come to this, Kermit!

(Giant wooden crates. Giant wooden crates everywhere!)

Truck Driver: Really, Mrs. Avalon? That’s a lot of boxes to get out by the morning. You might need to hire another driver or two for this, you know?

Sierra: Aw come on, hon. Believe in yourself! You can fit ‘em, and ain’t no law of volume and mass gonna tell you what to do! Fight the power! YOU CAN DO IT! *claps* I BELIEVE IN YOU! *clap clap clap*

Truck Driver: Well um, thanks for the inspiration or whatever, but could we do without the clapping?

(The trucker begins attempting to load the crates onto his tractor-trailer. It’s such a tight squeeze that one of the boxes begins leaking an ominous, glowing, blue fluid…)

Truck Driver: Well I’ll be darned, you really DO use unicorn souls in your cookies!

Sierra: …Yes. Unicorn souls. They kinda get like that if you leave them in cold storage for so long, but hey, I say it brings out the flavor!

Truck Driver: Ah ha ha ha… seriously, what the hell is that stuff really?

Sierra: Blue Jell-O.

Truck Driver: Well, okay. *struggles to shut the cargo into the trailer, but in the end… he does it!*

Sierra: YOU DID IT!

Truck Driver: I DID IT! YAY!

(They do a happy dance! With a renewed sense of self-confidence, the trucker drives off with Sierra’s ingredients, while the green-clad baker waves him off with a bright smile.)

Sierra: Tee hee hee, I live to make people HAPPY!

(She stops in thought.)

Sierra: …But the red guy, though… he can’t be happy about what I’m putting him through. Maybe I should go check on him. Feed him, maybe.

(Sierra enters the warehouse to find three robots searching for said red guy!)

Bright Babe: Drill? Driiiiiiiill! AM? Are you here?

Skull Man: Drill Man. Drill Man. Answer.

Dust Man: Ring Man is the detective, not any of us. Why couldn’t Kalinka have sent him with us? Is it because his weapon proves effective against Toad’s armor, heaven forbid it comes to that? I wish she would discuss these things with us; lest we be left in the dark, ALONE, and HELPLESS, robbed of the sense of observation that—

Sierra: Hey, he’s in this box! *gestures to a crate* And boy will he LOVE to see you guys! See, I was beginning to feel guilty, but now he doesn’t have to be alone in there any more!

Skull Man: You. Explain yourself.

Sierra: Well, what can I say? You got me caught, and… wait, TWO Richard Nixon heads now?!

Skull Man: That is irrelevant to the matter. You will surrender to us.

Sierra: Darling. You didn’t happen to, ah, eat any monsters… did you?

Bright Babe: That’s EXACTLY what happened.

Sierra: Heh heh heh… so it is. Believe me, I ate one of those too, it was DELICIOUS. And it totally caused me to mutate into THE AMAZING WOMAN WITH A FOOT ON HER BACK THAT PERFORMS AMAZING FEATS, HAHA GEDDIT, “FEATS?” BECAUSE IT’S A FOOT?!

Sierra: And boy, was it a RIOT! But uh, I couldn’t work with it on me, unfortunately. Sure, I could have made money for myself at a freak show or something, but THAT IS NOT ME. I am not a freak, I am PERFECTLY NORMAL, and don’t any of you listen to the voices in my head that tell you otherwise. They LIE.

Bright Babe: Let’s just get this over with, team. We’ll need to find her help…

Sierra: WAIT! I’m getting to the part that concerns YOU! Because see, the foot was getting bigger and bigger, and I couldn’t go on not working, so I uh, kinda cooked up an antidote.

(She pulls out a baby bottle half-filled with a rainbow-colored liquid. And then, she jetpacks over to Skull, promptly jamming it into one of his mouths!)

Bright and Dust: !!

(As Sierra removes the baby bottle from Skull’s mouth, his extra head disappears… partially. He now has 1.5 Richard Nixon heads!)

Bright Babe: It’s… working?

Sierra: Oh, I can easily get rid of the rest of that, too! But this is all you’re getting for now… *pockets the baby bottle * mwe hee hee hee…

Dust Man: Oh, great. You’re going to make a bargain with us, aren’t you?

Sierra: Precisely! Here’s the deal: you keep your yappers shut, and drop whatever charges you have against me… And I will fully cure your dead guy. Oh, and I’ll throw in the red drilly guy too, absolutely free! Slight play wear, but still working. Deal?

Skull Man: You’re a single human. We are three combat robots. Nice try. *arms weapons*

Dust Man: Indeed. We’ll just be taking the rest of that baby bottle, along with the red drilly guy. I MEAN DRILL MAN! Errm, AM! Yikes, he’s my long-time friend, how could I be so thoughtless?! AH-HEM. *also arms weapons* So, will you come quietly, Mrs. Avalon?

Sierra: Heh… you’ll never take me alive. *pulls out a white plastic spork* Not if the PEARLY CHIMERA has anything to say about it!

(But Bright Babe’s bulb shines light into a darkened corner, where Sierra’s real weapon lurks!)

Bright Babe: LOOK OUT!

(With a well-timed Flash Stopper from Bright, the flying, whirling propeller blade freezes in midair – but only for a moment, which Bright uses to shove Skull and Dust out of its flight path.)

Sierra: Oh, no. It appears that the ceiling fan has taken on a mind of its own, and it wants everyone dead! By golly, I hope it doesn’t eat me either! *jetpacks into the dark of the warehouse*

(The “ceiling fan” whirrs all throughout the building, cracking open crates, flooding the floor with flour! …Among other cooking ingredients I don’t feel like making tongue twisters out of.)

(Projectiles are fired at it, only to be quickly scattered to bits! Dust Man winds up pelted with his own scrap shrapnel! Bright’s bulb nearly breaks! Skull Man momentarily falls into a pile of bones, complete with a cartoony CLINK CLACK KLUNK sound effect!)

(The bladed drone proves quite troublesome to take down. It would seem that extra firepower would be needed…)

(And there it was! Out from one of the crates, a rocket-powered drill! It makes contact with Sierra’s remote-controlled weapon, and BOOM!)

(The weapon was still intact, but momentarily disoriented…)

Dust Man: Well I’ll be! Drill freed himself from his boxy prison! Alright, buddy, just one more Drill Bomb to that thing, and surely, it will be… huh…?

(Drill Man is still missing everything beneath his torso, as he lay in a mess of brown sugar.)

Drill Man: Yeah, good to see you and all, but that cyclopean wench chopped me in two! *fires random Drill Bombs into the air, all of them miss* If I could actually, you know, move, maybe I WOULD be able to hit it again… Ugh!

Skull Man: One of us may need to manually prop Drill Man in our target’s direction.

Drill Man: You mean like, CARRY me?! Oh, no. I appreciate you guys coming for me, I really do, but surely you have some ulterior motives for doing so!

Bright Babe: Heh… it’s good to see you’re still you, in spite of what you’ve been through!

Drill Man: Yeah, about that, why did you leave me in that box? She clearly showed you where I was, and none of you even thought to free me yourselves? You’re all plotting against me, planning to have me “disappear” because I know too much, is that it?!

Sierra: No no, darling. That was why *I* locked you up, silly! I think you owe your friends an apology. They risked their lives to find you, y’know!

Drill Man: Yeah, I guess you’re right… but just this once, fiend! *turns to his teammates* Sorry for acting like that, comrades! I know you guys aren’t REALLY in on the conspiracy… excluding three other teammates who are conveniently NOT HERE.

(The team laughs as they forgive him.)

Sierra: Aww, it’s good to see you folks getting along again! See, the idea of a team is LOVE and BROTHERHOOD and sticking together, even when they’re all chopped apart—

Bright Babe: LOOK OUT! *shoves her teammates out of the blade’s flight path… again*

Skull Man: She sure is persistent. Very well, then. We may have to… bend the first rule.

Dust Man: Eh?

Skull Man: She controls that machine with her mind. This is what I gathered from a conversation with her daughter.

Drill Man: So you want to… oh. Normally I’m not too crazy about bashing humans in the head, but LOOK AT WHAT SHE DID TO ME. Let’s go all out, comrades!

Sierra: Heh. Do your worst, sweetheart. I’ve been bashed in the head more times than you can POSSIBLY imagine!

(Jabs are thrown, projectiles even fired. Sierra weaves around each advance with her jetpack, all the while her mind-controlled weapon pursues the comrades.)

Bright Babe: Flash Stopper!

(The burst of light does little to disorient the jetpack-clad baker.)

Sierra: Kiddo, see this eye? It has the strength of two… and BEYOND!

Skull Man: If intense light won’t suffice, then we must resort to… total darkness. I will deliver the darkness. The rest of you, distract her.

(Skull Man vanishes into a darkened corner. The rest of the team’s advances force her into this very corner. Soon, she is forced to land… with Skull Man at her back.)

Skull Man: Embrace the darkness of the netherworld.

(Skull takes off his full Nixon mask, and stuffs it over Sierra’s helmet – backwards, with not an eyehole in reach.)

Sierra: EEK! Wh-where did you all go?! What’s going on?! I CAN’T SEE!

Skull Man: Complete absence of light. Without light, there can be no life. Become acquainted with this sensation, for we will all be there one day.

(With Sierra blinded by the DEATHLY DARKNESS of the Nixon mask, her weapon spirals out of control! It crashes through several crates of flour, sugar, and yes – the “secret ingredient.”)

(The fluorescent blue, gelatinous substance jams the rotors, and the blade slowly spirals downward. It makes a crash landing just beside Drill Man.)

Drill Man: This is for my legs and my stomach! *viciously drills Sierra’s weapon into tiny pieces*

Sierra: Ooooooow… did somebody just amputate a limb right now?! Because that’s what it felt like. *pulls the Nixon mask off* NOT VERY COMFY. And heeeey, where’d all this blue stuff come from?

Dust Man: We feel you can answer that better than any of us. As officers of the Robot Police Department, we are placing you under arrest!

Sierra: Well, I guess you beat me, fair and square. My, you guys are POWERFUL! *grins* So, surely, you’re powerful enough to deal with… this?

(She leaps over to what looks like a large safe. A few strokes on a keypad, and the door opens. As it does, the air around it becomes distorted in a heat haze… and then, a tentacle. A tentacle made of cookie dough! It was yet another Cookie Abomination!)

Cookie Abomination: KEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRGRAAAUHHH

Sierra: This one was a bit big for me to deal with on my own, so uh… could you all be little angels and take care of it for me? See, it’s late, and I have some bounties to hunt. Ciao! *jetpacks out of the building*

Drill Man: Of all the rotten…

Cookie Abomination: YEEEOOOOREAAAAAAA GAAAAAAOOOOYEEEEIIIIRRRRR REEEEEEHHHEHHHEHH

Bright Babe: Ulp… I hate to say this, but going from the last one… there is… only one way to defEAT it… ew…

(And so, we leave those four comrades to their DELICIOUS meal. But one might wonder: how fares the rest of the team?!)

Dive Man: *lays on the ground in a near-broken mess* Well, shit. This is almost as bad as the twins!

Ring Man: *holding jagged, golden shards that used to be his boomerangs in his palms* Well, I suppose someone could cut their toe on these… sigh.

Toad Man: Keee hee hee hee! I won I won I won I won I won I won I won I won I won I won I won I won I won I won I won I won I won I won I won I won I won I won I won I won I won I won I won I won I won I won I won I won I won

Pharaoh Woman: *digs herself out of the ground* mmmmggurrrk *spits dirt out of her mask* Hah! I LAUGH in the face of defeat! HAH HAH! But I uh, still admit to it. FOR NOW!

Toad Man: So, my good buddy friend pals, now that you know how I am better than you in every way conceivable, can we go back to palling around now? Huh huh HUH?!

(Yards away, the last ambulance drives away.)

Toad Man: …wait, you mean my devoted legions are all gone now?! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT. Our fight was just a distraction to have them taken away?!

Pharaoh Woman: I had informed you the medics would ride. Now answer me this: who were these people? And what foul sorcery did you conjure to amass them as followers?

Toad Man: Oh come on, you saw for yourself how powerful I am! And I had promised them the same power… All through a delicious meal, of course!

Ring Man: Oh, no. You don’t mean another Cookie Abomination?!

Toad Man: Nah, more like FIFTY Cookie Abominations! I’ve got a lot of mouths to feed, you know. You might be wondering why I am actually sharing my food for once; but hey, if I can create that many superheroes, we’ll never have to worry about crime or villainy ever again!

Dive Man: *shambles to his feet* Do ya really need me – ME – ta tell ya how flawed your logic is?!

Toad Man: You mean how AWESOME my logic is? NOPE! Well, it was good seeing you guys again, but I’m off to round up even more people for my elite super team. CIAO, SUCKERS! *zooms away into the distance*

Pharaoh Woman: Like Icarus flying into the sun… NAY! Like Icarus flying into the sun and dragging it all the way back to the earth, CONSUMING us all! He must be brought to his senses!

Ring Man: I’m afraid we’re going to need the rest of the team for this…

***

I wonder how the rest of the Comrades are enjoying their grand buffet?

Cookie Abomination: UUUUGGHHHHEEEEXXXXXIIIIIIIIYAAAAAAAAA

Dust Man: Everyone, keep eating! It’s steadily shrinking! *vacuums off more of the dough*

Bright Babe: You know… I hate to say it, but it’s actually pretty yummy!

Drill Man: I had my suspicions, but this flavor… has me feeling renewed. I even feel like I can move again! *hops around on his… bunny legs?*

Bright Babe: Aw, you’ve got a little cotton tail and—WHAT?! Oooooookay I’m full now, so I’ll just… *her lightbulb suddenly turns into a platter with a DELICIOUS ROAST CHICKEN on it* …I SAID I AM NOT HUNGRY!

Cookie Abomination: UUUOOOOOOOWWWWWWWEWEEEEEQ *lunges at the Comrades*

Dust Man: Look out! *stretches into a giant, gelatinous blob, blocking its advances*

Skull Man: It would seem some of the effects of the dough have their uses after all. I cannot say the same in regards to my situation.

(Skull now has a totem pole of heads extending to the ceiling, each one a different world leader from throughout history!)

Skull Man: Balancing may be difficult. *begins to fall*

(Dust Man’s blobby form serves as a pillow for Skull to safely land.)

Drill Man: Dude! *hops around* You have like fifty bazillion heads! *hop hop* We could have THEM help eat the monster!

(The Julius Caesar head scratches his nose with his tongue, while Winston Churchill starts singing painfully off-key opera)

Skull Man: I cannot control them with my CPU. This is an inconvenience.

Bright Babe: *trying in vain to rip the DELICIOUS ROAST CHICKEN off her head-platter* Speaking of inconveniences…!

Cookie Abomination: *sees Bright’s DELICIOUS ROAST CHICKEN* DELIIIIIEEEEEEEESSSSSHHHH!!!!!!!! *lunges after her*

Bright Babe: Gah! FLASH STOPPER!

(The chicken becomes marinated in a white wine sauce)

Bright Babe: I said FLASH STOPPER!

(Vegetables appear beside the chicken… she tries another Flash Stopper, and it is joined by a heaping serving of penne pasta. The Abomination’s appetite grows and grows with each addition, as it gives chase!)

Drill Man: Great, she has it distracted! Comrades, ATAAAAACK! *hops to its back*

Dust Man: With all speed! *slowly sloshes over to it as quickly as he can*

Skull Man: … *falls over* …How inefficient. This is “a frustration.”

Drill Man: Hey uh Bright, could you lead it over to them? They’re kind of having trouble getting around.

Bright Babe: Busy trying to stay alive, but if you say so!

(And so, after a long and grueling buffet of a battle, the comrades eventually were able to finish the Cookie Abomination. With nothing but its crumbs littering the floor, they all collapse (save for Skull Man, who had long already done the deed).

Skull Man: Our mission has been a partial success. Drill has been rescued, and the secret ingredient, the “blue goop,” has been uncovered. However, the baker is still at large. Let us call in RPD forces to secure this warehouse.

Dust Man: It’s admirable the mission comes first to you, but what about us? I am blob. I don’t want to be a blob. I clean up blobs. I don’t want to clean up myself, at least not in any way other than a shower, and I am certain a shower would dissolve me in my current state…

Skull Man: The baker has the antidote, remember? In that respect, we must track her down regardless. *tries to get up, but can’t – all the while, Queen Victoria Head blows bubblegum, causing it to pop in Alexander the Great’s face*

Drill Man: But it doesn’t look like you’ll be able to any time soon…

Skull Man: Regretfully, it does not appear I’ll be able to partake in combat until this issue is resolved. In the mean time, though, I have an idea to turn it into the team’s benefit. It will be… educational.

Bright Babe: Don’t want to know how you define “educational,” so we’ll just… leave you to whatever, sound good? The rest of us are best off meeting the others at our agreed-upon rendezvous point.

(Soon, RPD officers are called into the warehouse. Some of them escort Skull Man to… wherever it is he planned on going, while Bright, Drill and Dust set off to a rendezvous spot that they supposedly agreed on while off screen or something.)

(Once there, they are joined by the arrivals of Ring, Dive and Pharaoh.)

(Three comrades are badly battered, while the other three are a blob, an effective dinner table, and a half-bunny respectively. While they brief each other on what happened, gasps of “OH GOD WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO YOU” are exchanged on both ends.)

Bright Babe: …and Skull Man left with the RPD for “educational purposes” regarding his condition.

Ring Man: I wouldn’t worry about it too much. Sure, he can be creepy at times, but his actions are always in the best interest of the team.

Pharaoh Woman: Anything to get him away from COMBAT COMBAT COMBAT all the time! But um, you know… without his UNDEAD MIGHT, we are one short in our struggle against the Amphibious Icarus, sworn to hotwire Apollo’s sun chariot for his own reckless ends!

Drill Man: Worry yourself not! Toad Man will never… do whatever crazy metaphor you just made up, for I… have a plan.

(Everyone’s attention is raised.)

Drill Man: We’re after both Toad and “The Baker.” I overheard the latter mentioning that she had bounties to hunt.

Ring Man: I told you she was a bounty hunter! So, wait. You don’t propose…

Drill Man: Yes. You’ve proven very useful, MOLE. But the time has come for us to lure your dark master into the same arena as our Flippy Toad. As a unit of the Robot Police Department, we reserve the right to place a bounty on Flippy’s head!

Pharaoh Woman: Really? But he is our friend… no, seriously—I mean it! He could have utterly OBLITERATED us, leaving us to forever spiral into the void! But… he was holding back his powers. He… let us live… because we are his friends…

Dive Man: Well, he certainly was yammerin’ shit about buddy pals or whatever.

Drill Man: Fine then, we’ll make sure the 5,000,000 Zenny reward only goes to those who capture him alive.

Dust Man: Five million?! That is no small amount, in fact, it is doubtful that the entire budget of the RPD—

Dive Man: Like hell anyone’s gonna capture ‘em. He’ll snap that one-eyed hag like a twig! But if pigs fly and she wins, just say the number on the wanted posters was a typo, like the cop got plastered an’ fell asleep on the “zero” key.

Drill Man: Good idea, because I’m sure she WILL win. Apart from probably having a pact with some dark forces… she definitely has the antidote.

Dust Man: OH! I see now. If we can get her to successfully cure Flippy, they should both be easy captives with six of us on the job. And then we can make her cure us, too!

Drill Man: Precisely! For now, we return to base…

(Scene: Cossack Citadel)

Bright Babe: *at a computer* Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand there. The bounty has been entered into the system. For authenticity’s sake, I had my cat stand on the number keys!

Pharaoh Woman: Praise be to the glory of Autumn, patron deity of cute cuddliness and unparalleled computer expertise!

Bright Babe: Sure, right. Now to print the wanted posters.

(She walks on over to the printer. There, she finds that somebody had already printed a stack of some sort of flyer…)

Bright Babe: … “The wonder… The intrigue… for 200 Zenny, come see The Amazing Totem Skeleton, and learn what part in history each of his heads has played…” …Wow, Skull. I never knew you had it in you…

Skull Man: *rolling in on a wheelchair* I’ll be taking those, thank you.

Dive Man: Yer turnin’ yerself into a freak show? Well, even more of one?

Skull Man: Whatever it takes to cover our ever-increasing repair bills. Although our creator wouldn’t be too keen on this “blatant capitalism,” it is my function to aid my comrades through any means necessary.

Ring Man: Well, okay. Now let’s get to work posting those wanted posters, and tracking Toad Man!

***

(As the sun is set to rise, the team sets out to the neighborhoods surrounding Avalon Bakery, plastering posters everywhere the baker was likely to see them.)

(After a couple rounds of HEART-STOPPING POSTER HANGING ACTION, there was but one place left to go – Avalon Bakery itself.)

(Toad Man was already there.)

(The Comrades elect not to be seen by him just yet. They instead observe him from behind the trees that he had downed just hours ago.)

Toad Man: No one wanted to come with meeeeeeeee…No one wanted superhero powers…

(As the morning sun glimmers through the distant peaks, Toad plops his rear down next to the building.)

Toad Man: See, this is why I HATE doing work. There’s nothing for me to gain! Oh well, I think I’ve earned the right to be lazy! *picks his nose*

(Behind the trees)

Dust Man: It’s good that no one was gullible enough to follow him this time. But really, he’s just going to stay here? After all that time we spent posting those posters everywhere, he’s going to be where the baker will see him anyway? I mean, not that I regret the time we spent, truly; for the overenthusiastic way Pharaoh hung her stack had to have been the most oddly amusing spectacle in the history of poster hanging.

Pharaoh Woman: ?! I… I did it! The books will forever recall my deeds!

Dust Man: …Yes. Also, I should note that the posters took a toll on our ink supply. Ink costs money. We’re not made of money, especially operating under the pretense of “communism,” where individual wealth is moot. Granted, we are communists in name only, but…

(The sun draws higher into the air as Dust Man rambles. Soon, a truck full of crates containing ingredients comes rolling around the bend.)

Truck Driver: YOWZA, what happened here? The road’s covered in trees! I can’t get around this…

(But then, a voice in his head tells him otherwise.)

Truck Driver: …No. Don’t think like that! I can do ANYTHING if I put my mind to it! BELIEVE!

(Seconds later, the trailer is detached and turned on its side. Countless crates join the refuse on the street. The driver gets out of the truck to survey the scene.)

Truck Driver: …Uh, damn it.

Bright Babe: Oh, no! We should help him…

Toad Man: Mmmm hmmm hmmm! Are those COOKIES?!

Truck Driver: No, but they’re going to be. But not today, though, ‘cause if Mrs. Avalon has any semblance of sanity she’ll close up shop until the road is cleared. No one’s getting through like this—

Toad Man: COOKIES YUM YUM YUM *eats through a wooden crate*

(…It was one of the crates containing the “secret ingredient!”)

Toad Man: *with a glowing, blue “beard” covering his face* MMMMMMMMMMMMM!!! This stuff tastes just like the monster! And now I know what I must do…

Drill Man: Not a chance, TRAITOR! *charges towards Toad, drills spinning… but accidentally hops over him because he’s still half bunny*

Toad Man: Oh hai Red Drilly Guy! But as I was saying… *lifts up the truck*

(The rest of the team moves in to stop him. They all bounce off of his fat belly or something.)

Toad Man: I call upon the powers of Michael Bay to bring the heat!!!

(He throws the truck at the crate containing the blue stuff… and BOOM! An explosion consumes it! Everyone takes cover! After a good while of waiting, the dust has cleared… and in its place…)

Rainbow Abomination: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

All: !!!

Truck Driver: RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!

Toad Man: UH, no no!! *grabs the trucker by the wrist* A true HERO never runs away!

Truck Driver: GAH! DO YOU SEE THAT THING?! LET GO, DAMN YOU!!

Toad Man: Oh come on, stop being a sissy and take a bite out of it! If you eat it, you’ll gain superpowers!

Dust Man: Not always! I ate part of a monster, and… do these look like superpowers?! *slowly sloshes around with his blobby body*

Toad Man: HELLZ YEAH! Truck guy, if Vacuu-Blob and I, THE YELLOW DINGO, gained superpowers by eating cookie monsters, so can you! All you have to do is BELIEVE!

Truck Driver: Screw that! I don’t want superpowers, I WANT TO LIVE! *breaks free and runs away*

Toad Man: Wuss! Oh well, I’ll just have to take the rest of the blue stuff to town and make more of these monsters there. Surely, there will be someone there to dig in!

Ring Man: Are you mad?!

Rainbow Abomination: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE *everything around it turns to black, accentuating its unearthly glow*

Pharaoh Woman: My Ra…! It shines with the prismatic-prismliness of… errm, Iris is the one with the rainbows, right? It, like, exudes more power than any of us have ever seen! But… we must prevail! CHAAAARGE!

(A mysterious force sends all of them reeling back! They can’t even get near it!)

Rainbow Abomination: EEEEEEEEEEE *causes the land around it to just… vanish.*

Pharaoh Woman: Fear not, my people! Under my guidance, we will surely, like… not die and stuff! *tosses a massive, charged up Pharaoh Shot at the abomination to no effect*

Rainbow Abomination: EEEEEEEE *shoots a massive blast of light at Pharaoh, who just barely manages to dodge*

Ring Man: TAKE COVER!

(The projectile slams into the bakery! In but a painful instant, nothing of it remained. Nothing other than a contorting spiral in the fabric of reality.)

Pharaoh Woman: I… was powerless…!

Toad Man: Sigh… do you weaklings really have to make me do this on my own? Gah, WORK…

(Toad fights through the Abomination’s darkened energy field. Once close enough, he manages to take a bite… but only one. For Toad himself was now being swallowed by the Abomination!)

Toad Man: AAAAAAAAAAHH!!! HELP ME HELP ME HELP ME HELP ME HELP ME HELP ME HELP ME HELP ME HELP ME HELP ME HELP ME HELP ME HELP ME HELP ME HELP ME HELP ME HELP ME HELP ME

Bright Babe: Flippy!

Dive Man: Ya can’t get to him! It ain’t worth it… It’s in God’s hands now.

Pharaoh Woman: He’s our friend! Mostly! We have to!

Dive Man: Well, YOU feel free ta try, Stinky. ‘Twas nice knowin’ ya.

Rainbow Abomination: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Toad Man: HEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLP!!!

(Suddenly, a giant ladle comes spinning through the air like a boomerang! It hits Toad Man straight out of the Abomination’s maw!)

Sierra: *catches the ladle as it spirals back* That’s MY bounty!

Dust Man: Yes! Our wanted posters were seen! We sure did a really good job hanging them indeed. But how did that ladle penetrate the enemy’s force field? Our actual weapons could not…

Sierra: Babe, never underestimate the raw, destructive power of the SUPER SPOON! Secondly, having experimented in the artful fartful science of cooking to no end... I’ve dealt with these things. While it’s true the ones infused with cookie dough are generally less powerful, the rainbow ones have a more glaring weakness…

(After licking something off of her ladle, she jetpacks around repeated blasts from the Rainbow Abomination, before stopping at one of the crates in the road. She prys it open using the giant spoon, reaches inside… and tosses everybody each several bottles of some sort of herb.)

Sierra: Sprinkle this in its path! Then provoke it so that it rolls over the stuff and picks it all up. Just work with me here!

(With no other options, the Comrades empty the spice all over the area. The Abomination, however, remains in one place, firing up beams that tear holes even in the sky… )

Bright Babe: Sigh… I have to do this again, don’t I? Flash Stopper!

(The DELICIOUS ROAST CHICKEN on her head-platter sprouts feathers, and starts clucking! This drives the Rainbow Abomination completely mad!)

Rainbow Abomination: YUMMMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEAAALLLLLL *charges nearly at the speed of sound!*

Pharaoh Woman: NO!

(Pharaoh shoves Bright out of the way… at the cost of her own left leg from the knee down.)

Bright Babe: Heh… thanks… My cat will thank you too.

(As Pharaoh attempts to stand while singing the praises of “the Great Deity Autumn,” the Rainbow Abomination slows to a crawl. It sloshes down, losing its shape…)

Sierra: Good. Very, very good! Now, just give me a minute here…

(Sierra flies over to the rainbow blob, and begins sprinkling even more ingredients on it. She then descends into it… and begins stirring it with her giant spoon. Its texture steadily becomes more gelatinous.)

Toad Man: *getting up* Ugh… what happened? *sees Sierra stirring* Hey, you! Are you cooking FOOD?!

Sierra: Yes. I’m cooking “food.” Would you like some?

Toad Man: Hellz to the YEAH, I freaking LOVE food! *begins devouring the rainbow jelly… and losing his angel wings in a snow of feathers*

Dust Man: Wait… so the antidote is made from the monster?!

Sierra: Yeppers! It turns out the random side effects only occur when it is mixed with cookie dough, for some reason. You should all be having some, too. And take some home for your friend, Nixon-and-a-half!

(Another buffet is enjoyed, and soon everyone is more or less back to being his or her old self.)

Toad Man: Oh my gosh, this stuff is THE BEST! I can’t wait to share it with my soon-to-be devoted legions of followers! Navy Dog, AWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!

Toad Man: How come I’m not flying?! My powers, why aren’t they—

(Sierra thwacks him unconscious using the SUPER SPOON.)

Sierra: Heh heh heh… at last, all my troubles are over… *jets away, carrying Toad Man*

Bright Babe: You know, I almost feel bad about this… I mean, once she gets to the police station…

(Scene: RPD Station)

Sierra: *wearing a monocle over her eye patch as well as a fake moustache, she holds a single coin* Yeah, weren’t there supposed to like, fifty extra zeros on this amount?

Officer: According to the system, the reward is most definitely 50 zenny. I know it’s a small amount, so I checked with Chief Crorq. He confirmed it, saying, “it’s just Toad Man, he’s not even worth that much.” There must have been a typo on the posters.

Sierra: But that’s a pretty big typo to make! You’re just toying with me at this point. I know you are, or my name isn’t Mustachio DeMoustache!

Officer: It isn’t. According to the paperwork, it’s “Mustachio DeMonocle.”

Sierra: That’s what I meant! Boy, silly tongue, always slipping like that and…

Officer: *rips off Sierra’s mustache and monocle* You mean “Sierra K. Avalon.”

Sierra: Hey, come on, now, friend! I’ve been your best bounty hunter for a long time now. I’ve taken in many dangerous criminals, and—

Drill Man: Cut me in half and KIDNAPPED me!

Officer: Precisely. But don’t worry, Mrs. Avalon. In the words of Chief Crorq, “it’s just Drill Man, none of those Cossack Creations are worth even that much,” so you’ll probably get off with a light sentence.

Sierra: *getting handcuffed* Hold me for as little or as long as you want, I don’t care! Just… give the reward money to my daughter! The REAL amount I know you’re keeping from us! …PLEASE!

Officer: We will give the 50z coin to your daughter if that is what you desire.

Sierra: No, the FIFTY KAJILLION zenny coin! We need that money! My husband, he has… well, we call it “Ambiguous Soap Opera Disease.” And… and if we can’t get that treatment… Calista *sniff* won’t have… anyone else…!

Dive Man: Yeah, nice sob-sobbing ya got going there. Couldn’t even think up an actual disease? Don’t crap up yer cell too much!

Pharaoh Woman: Silence! Uh, mortal. She could just be afraid to say what it really is, you know, like, denial and stuff? Even if it’s just a bid for sympathy, her daughter, you know, seems genuine at least… and their bakery… their life, is in rubble…

Dive Man: Oh well. So ‘bout the real reason we’re here?

Ring Man: Right… where is Flippy being held?

Officer: Toad Man? Down the hall, to the left.

***

Drill Man: Flippy. We… wanted to give you one more chance, but apparently the judge had other plans. So…

Toad Man: *in a cell* They’re coming to take me away, HA HA, they’re coming to take me away, HO HO, HEE HEE, HA HA…

Drill Man: So… we have come… to say goodbye.

Toad Man: Oh, DUDES! And DUDETTES! You should TOAD-ally come with!

Bright Babe: Um…

Toad Man: It will be FUN at the funny farm! There are all kinds of crazy animals, and there are rooms with padding on every wall! You can bounce on them without getting hurt! BOUNCY BOUNCY BOUNCY BOUNCY BOUNCY BOUNCY BOUNCY

Drill Man: …Flippy. As your field leader, just let me say this.

Toad Man: BOUNCY BOUNCY I’m listening. BOUNCY BOUNCY BOUNCY BOUNCY BOUNCY BOUNCY

Drill Man: …As your field leader, I had every reason to suspect that you were planted in our unit to sabotage our efforts, which, in many cases, YOU HAVE.

Toad Man: Why thank you! BOUNCY BOUNCY

Drill Man: Dealing with you on a daily basis grew tiresome before it even began! And yet… and yet… there were those rare instances where you… I hate to say it… were useful.

Toad Man: Well of course I was! …Wait, you really mean it?

Pharaoh Woman: There were times you saved the day… like from Met Daddy, and um, all that other stuff that like, happened those other times!

Drill Man: They were rare instances, yes, but… this REALLY pains me to say, but… we might not even be here if it wasn’t for those rare moments.

Toad Man: HELL YES! Go me go me go me go me go me go me go me go me go me

Drill Man: For that, we thank you. But don’t let this go to your head!

Toad Man: Mwa ha ha… yes. Flippy Toad, history’s greatest hero… may I forever be remembered for what I always was, and always will be… a COOL TOAD!!

(And so, the Comrades share their goodbyes with Flippy, AKA Toad Man, up until the guards arrive to cart him off to the Robot Insane Asylum. )

(It was a bittersweet goodbye. On one hand, they’d never have to deal with his annoying antics ever again. But on the other… would things truly be the same without them?)

(Maybe, just maybe, they would meet again some day. Until then, let us eagerly anticipate and/or utterly dread the thought!)

***

(Scene: A pavillion surrounded by curtains, with banners telling of “The Amazing Totem Skeleton.” Kalinka Cossack’s hefty robot, Gunker, stands as a bouncer, with several overturned hats all overflowing with cash.)

Customer: I heard this show will CHANGE MY LIFE. *throws out even more money*

Gunker: Go in! But you last customer today. Skeleton comrade say, “much like your lives, my business hours won’t last forever”!

(There’s a small crowd of customers even beyond the curtains. Pharaoh is in attendance as well.)

Skull Man: …And this head trying to lick his eyeballs out is Vladimir Putin, former prime minister and president of our very nation. During the Murderbot Attack of 20XX, the aged president ordered the military to stand back, while he ripped off his shirt, proclaiming that he would take care of it himself. Russian Reversal handled the rest.

Another Customer: Wow! So educational!

Skull Man: Thus concludes the presentation. Each of these world leaders couldn’t have been any more different. Different nationalities. Different eras. Different views. Some were great leaders, others not so much. But they do all share one thing in common: in spite of their accomplishments, they all remain dead.

Customer: Aw, I missed it?

Skull Man: Let this be a lesson: life is short. Act on it.

Pharaoh Woman: So you finally get it!

Skull Man: Affirmative. Once this crowd leaves, I will have the antidote. We have more than enough money for repairs… And then some.

Pharaoh Woman: So I may have a new leg… NAY! A golden chariot filled to the brim with robot legs!

Skull Man: This is highly possible.

Pharaoh Woman: But… having the world’s most wondrous leg collection is, how you say, a selfish wish… And like, a good queen should put her people first… Toad Man caused property damage, and put many in the hospital. Toad was one of us. We should take responsibility and pay what needs to be paid…

Skull Man: Very well. This is a sound course of action.

(And so, there was money. Lots of money. Money for everyone!)

***

Ring Man: *at computer* There, money’s sent to Skippy McBarber. That should more than pay for the broken leg. Who else do we need to get to…?

Bright Babe: *looking over a list* Hmmmm… Lando Avalone, I think.

Ring Man: *clicks* Okay, here we are at Lance Avalon. Okay, sending money now. *click*

Bright Babe: That name wasn’t on the list the hospital sent us. It’s “Lando Avalone.”

Ring Man: …Whoops. Can’t turn back now… but since he’s there too, I’m sure he needs it for his… “Ambiguous Soap Opera Disease?!” The hell?

Dust Man: Actually, “Ambiguous Soap Opera Disease” is a legitimate diagnosis. It was discovered in 20XX, “The Dark Age of Medicine.” During this time, it was decided that doctors naming diseases after themselves was “conceited,” and since said doctors are paid huge sums of money specifically to operate and such, rather than to come up with clever names for diseases…

Skull Man: Observation: you just sent money to the baker’s husband.

Ring Man: I didn’t mean to!

Drill Man: LIES.

Dust Man: Hmmmm… St. Syringe Man Memorial Hospital doesn’t treat the disease. The Ciel Institute in Megalopolis does, though. We should get him transferred there.

Bright Babe: Yes, we definitely should! With this insane amount of money Skull brought in, we should use it to help everyone in every way we can.

Pharaoh Woman: Indeed, Acolyte of Autumn! The land, too – bakery and all – must be restored to its former glory! *begins stuffing cash into an old treasure chest*

Dive Man: Now let’s not get too ahead of ourselves there. My rare moments of sobriety are a serious illness too. A COSTLY illness. They need all the treatment they can get, damn it!

Pharaoh Woman: Come, my noble steed! There are citizens in need! *takes the chest, and rides away with it on a little pink bicycle*

***

(Scene: the ruins of Avalon Bakery.)

(Calista Avalon stands alone in the falling snow.)

Calista: …

(Until another joins her.)

Pharaoh Woman: Humblest of greetings to you, O princess of cookiedom!

Calista: …Hi.

Pharaoh Woman: I come bearing wonderful news! In order to preserve the culture of our great kingdom, I have funded the reconstruction of this grand site! *stuffs the treasure chest down in front of Calista*

Calista: …Oh?! Um… th-thank you. You… gave us money before, haven’t you?

Pharaoh Woman: Indeed, it was I! Speak nothing of it.

Calista: My mom… she will be getting out soon. But will business be the same? Will people come here knowing a “criminal” ran it? One who kidnapped an RPD officer and secretly harvested a dangerous, alien substance?

Pharaoh Woman: She told police where she kept her cache, where she found the stuff and all, and it has since been disposed of. I don’t think customers will have to worry about eating any of that. If, um, that’s what you’re talking about…

Calista: My point is, when she gets out, and the place is rebuilt… she’ll probably lay low and leave me in charge. At my age? Alone? I don’t know if I can…

Pharaoh Woman: You have Lance.

Calista: Lance… if you know my father, then you know that he—

Pharaoh Woman: Is about to be relocated to the Ciel Institute of Megalopolis for treatment.

Calista: !! But… how… we’ve been trying to get him treated there!

Pharaoh Woman: Skull Man… you know him. Guy with the… skull? He ran a very successful display of entertainment, so like, we had money in the bank. And while we were paying for others’ medical care, the name “Lance Avalon” came up. We knew your mother was telling the truth about his condition then.

Calista: S-so you, and your friends…

Pharaoh Woman: …aren’t always careless killing machines who cause heaps of collateral damage, honest! We’re allowed to do nice things every once in a while! Even if it’s partially on acciden—

(And with that, Pharaoh finds herself being strangled in a tight hug courtesy of Calista, whose joyous tears are strewn about by the freezing winds.)

(Aaaaaaaaaaand what you probably thought was going to be a “wacky” ep ends on a surprisingly sweet note. …Geddit? Sweet? Because cookies taste… eh, let’s end this before we embarrass ourselves any more.)

THE END.

Cossack's Comrades

AM as Drill Man          Sean as Dust Man          Geoff as Dive Man

Jet as Bright Babe       Hunter as Skull Man

John as Ring Man      Avi as Pharaoh Woman      Flippy as Toad Man