Cossack's Comrades

Canto X: Treachery, Purgatory, and Paradise

A frigid, bitter wind bellows as Dante and Virgil descend into the lowest depths of Hell.  More and more of the landscape is consumed in dark, jagged ice, growing in writhing, contorted formations.  Before long, the entire abyss is engulfed in ice, as looming mountains rising above the pit tower down over them.  Dante and Virgil climb down on top of another smaller mountain, as they survey their surroundings.

Dante: Whoa, wouldja lookit that. Hell just literally froze over. Did one of the girls I ask out before Beatrice change her mind o' a sudden? And which one? Ones??

Virgil: Really?  That’s all you can think of now that you're down here?  You know what?  Of course it is.  Not that you care, but treachery is the worst sin anyone can commit. And by committing it, they've deviated further from the path of God futher than any other sinner. And so they are cast into an abyss where the light and warmth of God can never reach them..

Dante: Yep. Thanks fer turnin' this into an English Lit course.

Virgil: Whatever. If there was any justice in this world, you'd be down here, too. God willing, it's not too late for that.

Dante: Jus' poin' me in the right direction, Virg. It's that simple.

Virgil: The way to Purgatory lies past the Lake of Judecca, the lowest point in this pit. But as I said, Lucifer himself bars the way.  And if you think he's just going to let walk on by, you're only kidding yourself.

Dante: So which way am I going?

Virgil: Hell if I know. I've never been down there.

Dante: What the-?! That angel told me ya knew the way there! Who's the traitor now?! At least one o' ya!

Virgil: I saw a picture of it on a map!...On a placemat at Denny's...

Dante: Virg, yer killin' me here.

*As Virgil and Dante argue, the mountain shifts, and pulls apart around them, almost as though it were alive. Suddenly, the mountain they're standing on reveals itself to be a giant, that's turning to face them.

Antaeus: I know Lucifer's location. Commencing transport.

*Antaeus scoops up Dante and Virgil and lowers them down the pit. The lower down the pit they go, the stronger the bitter, freezing winds howl all around them.

Dante: Huh. That was easy.

Virgil: Dante, just a friendly reminder, this is the circle of TREACHERY. The only people down here are traitors and betrayers. You think this guy is any different?

Dante: Ah, good point.

*Dante hops onto one of Antaeus's fingers, casually cuts it off with his scythe. He then rides it like a sled down the giant's frozen body.

Antaeus: That was not necessary.

Dante: Sorry, pal! Better ya make the mistake o' trustin' me, then I make the mistake o' trustin' ya!

*The entire circle rumbles and quakes, as the mountains around the pit stir and rise up, revealing themselves to be giants.

Tityos: Tityos: No need to be sorry.  We were going to crush you before you reached the bottom, anyway.

Ephialtes: It's nothing personal. It's just this place isn't called 'Treachery' for nothing.

Virgil: What?? You're not a giant!

Ephialtes: But my portrait sure is!!

Nimrod: DESTROY!

*The literally mountainous giants all around the circle lumber towards Dante, ready to crush him and rip him apart.

Virgil: I don't see this ending well for you, Dante.

Dante: Shows how little ya know, Virg.

*Dante pulls out all the treasure he hoarded from Greed and dumps it on Virgil.

Dante: Hey!! This guy's got treasure! 'n lots o' it!! Come 'n get it!!

Typhon: Ooh! Are those keys to a Lamborghini?

Briareus: And a copy of "Deep Cheerbot Loving?!"

Virgil: You fucker! I knew you had it all along!!

Briareus: Fuck the crusader! That fop's loaded! Get him!

Nimrod: DESTROY!! FOR PORN AND LAMBORGHINIS!!

Dante: See ya!!

*Dante runs off, leaving Virgil at the mercy of every last giant in Treachery.

Virgil: GOD I HATE YOU SO MUCH!!

Dante: Don' worry, pal! I can take it from here! See ya on the other si-EEEYEOOWWW!!

*Dante looks down, and sees the frozen bodies of countless traitors and betrayers, most of which are frozen up to their waists or heads, grabbing him or, gnawing away at his feet!

Antennor: You betrayed the only guy who was ever going to stand by you...IN HELL! Even WE think that's low!!

Count Ugolino: You betray him! You're not good. You, you're just a chicken. Chip-chip-chip-chip-cheep-cheep!

*Five seconds later, Dante is standing on top of a pile of severed limbs and heads, glaring at the last remaining frozen shade, who's frozen up to his head.

Dante: Anyone else wanna fill their shoes?!

Mordred: ...If you're looking for Lucifer, he's off that way...*tilts his head in a direction*

Dante: Ya mean towards the sub-zero wind that's freezin' my balls off?

Mordred: That's no ordinary wind! That's from Lucifer's wings beating, trying to pull him out of that frozen pit he's stuck in.

Dante: Yeah, sure. Like I'm gonna trust a traitor.

Mordred: Maybe I'm betraying Lucifer! You don't know!!

Dante: ...Hmmm...There's only one way to know for sure...

*Dante assumes a golfing stance, as he lines up Mordred's head, holding his scythe like a golf club.

Mordred: N-no!  I already told you where he is!  You don't need to-

Dante: FORE!

*Dante waits for the winds to die down, and whacks Mordred's head in the general direction of the "wind". As his head sails off into the horizon a distant shriek can be heard.

Lucifer: Dante, you sick bastard! Stop throwing heads at me!

Dante: Whaddaya know? He was on the money, after all.

*Dante is about to walk off into the freezing wind, but stops to grab more severed heads.

Dante: Just in case I get los'...

*As Dante ventures deeper into the chasm, the walls and crags are made up of nothing but frozen traitors, all of whom are completely covered in ice. A few minute later, Dante stops in order to orient himself.

Dante: Lessee...If I were a frozen prince o' evil, where would I be?

*Dante whacks another severed head off into the horizon like a golfball. All Dante can hear as it sails off is a soft, mushy splat as the head hits the pit's wall.

Dante: Nope. Not that way.

*Dante picks another direction and whacks another traitor's head like Happy Gilmore. A few seconds after the ball sails off...

Lucifer: Gah!! Seriously, stop it, Dante!

Dante: Ah, that way!!

*Dante keeps navigating the frozen pit, using traitor heads/golfballs and the disgusted shrieks of Lucifer as his guide.

Lucifer: GAHH!! STOP IT!! CUT IT OUT!! YOU DEPRAVED LITTLE MONSTER!!

*Eventually, Lucifer's dark misty form materializes in front of Dante.

Lucifer: OH, FORGET IT!! I'LL JUST WALK YOU THERE!!

Dante: That would've been easier, buddy!

*Dante just follows Lucifer's essence, as he leads him into Judecca.

Lucifer: Okay, now left! Your OTHER left! No, stop teabagging Abubus's frozen head. Just go! We're almost there.

Dante: Wow. we're that close?, Well, here's one I've been savin' fer when I get ta the end...

*Dante turns and writes his name in the snow on a frozen crag. He looks up, and see that it's actually the arm of a large, towering, winged demon frozen up to his waist in ice. A vast, yawning pit opens directly behind him, leading to a frozen waterfall. His massive, powerful body is covered in gigantic, black, jagged chains that are anchored to various spots around the frozen lake.

Dante: You must be Lucy.

Lucifer: Don't ever call me that. I've ripped souls to pieces for less than that. Much less writing their name on me.

*Dante zips up his fly and breaks out his weapons, assuming a fighting stance.

Dante: Alright, put 'em up! Standin' on ceremony is fer suckers! This has been a long time comin'!

Lucifer: Believe me, the feeling is mutual. By the way, did you see the bodies of Judas, Cassius and and Brutus down here?

Dante: Do I care who they are?

Lucifer: They're by far the worst traitors in history for betraying Christ and unified Rome, respectively. Know what happened to them?

Dante: Do I care?

Lucifer: I ATE THEM!! AS I WLL, YOU!!!

*Lucifer bats his wings at Dante, buffeting hellishly-cold air at him, knocking off his feet. Dante shoots Lucifer in the face, stunning long enough to get to recover. Pushing his advantage, Dante rushes in to slash Lucifer. But Lucifer blocks the blow with his arm and counters by slamming the ground, unleashing a shockwave that knocks Dante off his feet. Lucifer slams his fist towards Dante, but the crusader rolls to one side and gets to his feet.

Lucifer: You're going to have to do better than that! All of Heaven couldn't defeat me! All they could do is confine me in this pit!

Dante: Then I'll finish the job!

*Dante climbs on top of Lucifer's arm and jumps off it, slashing at Lucifer's face. Lucifer swats him aside and grabs a few drops of blood dripping down his face. As soon as he flings it at Dante, it lights abalze and traps him inside a raging inferno.

Dante: Beatrice's flames were hotter than this, dickweed!

*Dante slams the ground with his cross, releasing a burst of holy energy that extinguishes the flames. Lucifer triest to crush Dante again, but the knight rolls toward the towering demon. Holding the cross like a throwing knife, he throws it at Lucifer's face, lodging itself inside Lucifer's eye!

Lucifer: ARGGHHH!!!

Dante: Did the forces o' Heaven try that?!

*Dante spins his scythe in his hand and moves in for the kill. As he does, Virgil stumbles in, badly bruised and beaten.

Virgil: Oh, thank goodness. I'm not too late...!

Dante: Oh hey, Virg! What's up?? Here to check on yer ol' pal?

Virgil: Shut up. Just. Shut. Up. The only reason why I'm here is there's something you should know. And the fate of all creation hangs in the balance. Severing Lucifer's head-

*Dante swiftly decapitates Lucifer's in one swift, brutal swing!

Virgil: -Does NOT kill him and frees him from his eternal prison!!

Dante: WHA??

*As Lucifer's headless body slumps over, something starts moving around inside it, bulging against his chest. A smaller, horned humanoid individual bursts out of it and marches towards Dante.

Lucifer: I-I don't believe it! It...It worked! It really freakin' worked!! I honestly don't know to say!!

Dante: What the-?! Damnit, Virg! Why didncha tell me Satan was made up o' nestin' dolls?!

Lucifer: No you fool!  That giant body you beheaded wasn't my real body!  Just an immobile armored suit God forced me into in order to trap me herel!  I don't think she even built it with any legs!  But now that you destroyed the prison cell that was confining me, I can physically reach any corner of creation I want! And not just as a purple disembodied spirit! 

Dante: What the fuck?!  Since when were you pullin’ a jailbreak?!  I thought ya were after Beatrice!

Lucifer: What for?  She was just bait!  I just needed a violent, stupid, damned idiot to cut me free from that wretched body.  And they don’t get dumber or more violent than you.  Believe me, I’ve been shopping around for millennia.  Lancelot, Alexander the Great, Ulysses, all B-listers compared to your legacy of thuggish depravity.

Dante: What 'bout all the bizzillion giants and demons runnin' 'round this place? Why didncha ask them to chop that fake body's head off?!

Lucifer: They didn't want to catch a cold down here. When Minos got one, it took her centuries to get over it.

*As Dante and Lucifer argue, Virgil is busy just banging his head off of Lucifer's giant lifeless corpse. Eventually, he just throws up his hands and turns to face Lucifer.

Virgil: That's it. That's the last straw. I can't believe this is what it's come to, but I really am siding with the lesser of two evils.

*Virgil kneels before Lucifer.

Virgil: I, Publius Vergilius Maro, hereby pledge undying loyalty to you, my lord!

Lucifer: You're the guy who wrote the Aeneid and Bestiality Babes, right? That's great! I could use a guy like you in my court.

Virgil: Thanks! And hats off to you using Beatrice as bait to lure Dante down here. Even I didn't see that one coming. Stroke of genius!

Lucifer: Perfect my ass!  Up until now, this was a disaster!  You saw how much this clown gutted this place!  If he left with Beatrice, I’d be stuck cleaning it up!  I’m surprised he didn’t!  The damage he did was such on a cataclysmic scale, and reached so far across creation, I figured God was going figure out something was going on!  And then my hostage spends every waking hour even more of a living hell than it already was.  And to top it off, she came this close to usurping me!  I’m positively dumbstruck it worked at all!!

Dante: Well, don't coun' yer blessin's jus' yet! We're still gonna have some laughs, shithead!

*Dante leaps at Lucifer with his scythe. But Lucifer catches his blade, snaps it in half and casts Dante aside. His body slams against the wall with enough force to crack it.

Dante: ARGGGHHH!

Lucifer: You're right. That was funny.

*Dantes growls as he pulls his cross cannon out of lifeless body's eye.

Dante: I ain't licked yet!

*Dante fires several shots at Lucifer. But Lucifer deflects them all as he marches towards Dante. Conjuring a lash of shadowy darkness, he grabs Dante, pins him to the ground and brutally stomps him.

Lucifer: Don't bother. You're not going to win, even if by some miracle you do get the best of me. Look over there.

*Dante struggles in Lucifer's grasp as he drags him over towards the chasm and throws him to the ground. With a wave of his hand, Lucifer parts the darkness, revealling a lone towering mountain in the middle of the ocean.

Dante: Uggh...Lemme guess...Purgatory...?

Lucifer: None other!

Dante: Why the hell are ya showin' me this...?

*Lucifer ignores Dante and sticks his head in the hole with a deep breath, sighing.

Lucifer: You know, I love the mountain air. You want to head out? Take a stroll? Go ahead, I'll wait here.

*Lucifer releases Dante and motions towards the chasm. Dante cocks an eyebrow, looking at Lucifer, confused.

Lucifer: Go on! Run free!! I'm in no hurry!

*Dante shrugs and runs towards the hole. But when tries to go down it, something pushes him back.

Dante: What the hell are ya pullin' on me, ya goatheaded bastard?!

Lucifer: It's not me.

*Lucifer laughs as Dante angrily keeps throwing himself down the pit. But each attempt is as futile as the last, as he keeps getting thrown back where he started.

Lucifer: You know, the definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over and expecting different results. After untold millenia of trying fly out of here, I would know.

Virgil: Ooh! Does this mean what I think it means? I gotta be the one to tell him this! This is just too good!

Dante: Spit it out! What are ya gettin' at?!

Virgil: The dead can't leave this place without abosolution! It's forbidden!

Dante: Wha? I ain't dead!

Virgil: Think back, Dante!

Dante: Flashback to this: I. Kicked. Death's. ASS!! That's his scythe right, there! I pried it from his cold, dead fingers!

Death: Did you, now? Hm.

*Death materializes right next Lucifer, smirking back at Dante, holding a new scythe.

Dante: What?? No!! You-

Death: I see you enjoyed my little gift for you. *points to Dante's scythe* After all, you needed something strong enough to sever the proverbial chains binding Lucifer. Normally I'm not so generous. But I suppose exceptions can be made to an old friend of a friend.

Dante: ...Friend of a friend...? Buddy, nobody I know is pals with ya.

Death?: Oh, dear. I forgot. You're still living this ridiculous crusader fantasy of yours. Got ahead of myself. May I have the honor of shattering his perspective? I feel I've been very patient for my turn to rub his nose in it.

Lucifer: Sure. Go nuts.

*The world around Dante changes, as he finds himself...

Dante: ...The warehouse that kept buttin' into my flashbacks!! Why are we back here now? This got nuthin' to do with my journey so far!

Death?: Are you sure about that...?

*Dante staggers around the familiar pile of crates and sure enough, finds the same shoddy television and dingy couch he keeps seeing. Along with-

Dante?: Ah man?? The channel 4 news?! What the hell happened to my scrambled channels?!

Dante: Th-that can’ be me...!  How-When did I-?

*The Dante on the couch looks in far worse shape than the onlooking Dante. His armor looks like it's been patched together himself, covered in mis-matched parts, and leaking fluids. His joints occasionally spark and lock up. As does the incorporeal Dante watching from the shadows at the same time.

Dante: ...What is this shit?!

*As the other Dante watches TV, he's suddenly bombarded by heavy plasma fire, peppering his battered hide. Hero Dante tries to duck, but the shots go through him.

Dante?: AH! DAMNIT!

Death?: Is any of this looking familiar to you?

Dante: No! This-This ain't how it happened! I found Cossack's body outside the warehouse jus' 'fore that old geezer jumped me! No, I meant that ol' bone-faced assassin guy who killed Cossack...! No-

Death?: You sound a little mixed up.

Dante: Shut up, Wraith! I know how this played out! Like I said, I came in here to make sure Amatista was alright! 'Cept...

Wraithman: Except what?

Dante: ...We were never married...It was jus' a rumor I spread 'round that got a few laughs...Though I always did wanna tap that ass...But I know for a fact Cossack died fifteen days ago...No! I meant fifteen years ago!

Wraithman: Take it easy. Don't hurt yourself. Yet. Besides, I wouldn't want you to miss the climax.

*Dante watches as his killer stands over his mortally-wounded younger self, a massive vulcan in his hand.

Dante?: Who th' fuck ARE you?

Hadrian: Somebody who's gettin' paid ta kill ya, apparently.

*Hadrian remorselessly guns down Dante until he explodes. Eventually, the scene fades away, and Dante finds himself in Hell, once more.

Wraithman: What did we learn?

Dante: That wasn' some random shmuck. That was Hardman...From the...Mechanical Maniacs. Is he still mad at that stupid joke I made at his girlfriend's funeral? C'mon! He had to have known I was kiddin'! How sick does he think I am?!

Lucifer: That's irrelevant, Diveman! Might as well use your real name, now! You singlehandedly drove a permanent wedge between every last Mega Man team! And things only deteriorated even further, ending with every last Mega Man team imploding.

Diveman: Alright, fine. I'm a rotten egg. But why are ya so pissed off 'bout it? If I were ya, I'd be pleased as punch that one o' the high 'n mighty Comrades was a rotten no good sinner!

Lucifer: I could care less about what your sins, as entertaining as some of them were. It's that you were never suffered for them! I won't lie, I was originally a big fan of your work during the war. And I couldn't wait to welcome you down here personally. Oh, you should've seen the torments and agonies I had set aside for you. You were going to get the VIP treatment.

Diveman: I bet ya were.

Lucifer: Only that never happened. Imagine my surprise when instead of condemning you, God personally stepped in and absolved you.

Diveman: Absolved me...? How did God-Wait a minute. Are ya talkin' 'bout the happy life I had with Beatrice?! It wasn' all jus' a dream then??

Lucifer: I will never understand what possessed God to reincarnate you into a realm where you got to relive your 'glory' days of the War. A realm where you could not only indulge in every last mortal sin, not only get away with it, but actually be REWARDED for it!! It boggles my mind! Why is it God sentenced me to this miserable, eternal horror upon horror over one minor act of pride, while she gives you your very own happy place for leaving a trail of destruction, horror and sin in your wake!! It isn't fair!

Diveman: God's a she?? Whatever. Either way, if God thinks that's where I belong, then who the hell are ya tell 'her' otherwise? Can't mess with the divine plan.

Lucifer: I fixed something that needed fixing! Now that you're in the afterlife where you truly belong. And now that you've freed me to boot, I'll put the universe back in order and reclaim my rightful throne in Paradise all in one fell swoop!

Virgil: Point of interest, why haven't you done so yet? The longer you hang around here, the more time Dive has to pull a miracle out of his ass.

Lucifer: Don't worry. Paradise isn't going anywhere. And neither is he. I've been waiting to get this off my chest for a while now. And after the day I've had, I say I've earned it!

Diveman: C'mon, Virg! Don' leave me hangin' like this! I mean, there's gotta be one part o' ya that's Ringman, right?

Virgil: Forget it, Diveman! That ship's sailed! Around the world and back!! You might've been able to cross over if you redeemed yourself! But noooooo!! You just had too much fun being a colossal dick! Actions have consequences, "Dante"! Time you learned them!! In weeping and in grieving, may you long remain!

Lucifer: Speaking of which, Wraithman? I believe this is where you take over. Virgil's right. I have a throne to reclaim and creation to bend to my will.

Wraithman: Have fun. Oh, and if you see Wily's Warriors, do tell them I said 'Hello', and no hard feelings.

Lucifer: No problem. Thanks again, "Dante"!

*Diveman shoots at Lucifer he descends down the chasm into Purgatory. But all his shots have no effect, as Lucifer makes a clean escape. Wraithman floats over towards Diveman, and holds his scythe under his chin.

Wraithman: You know Diveman, I wish we had a chance to know each other before we went our...Separate ways. You always were my favorite Comrade next to Zymeth. It's a good thing we have all of eternity to catch up.

Diveman: Is that what's in this fer ya...? A chance to get even wit one o' yer ol' pals?

Wraithman: Come now. I have a life outside of you and the Comrades. But when you've been here as long as I have, being free of the ravages of Hell is reward enough. That and seeing all of creation suffer as I had to.

Diveman:Yeah, well that's whatcha get fer bein' a soulless whacko. Oops, I forgot. Ya must've had a soul. Otherwise ya wouldn' be here in th' firs' place.

Wraithman: ....

Diveman: Ha!! This is too much! All that rotten crap ya did was 'cuz ya thought ya had no soul! But oops. Not only didja have one all alon', butcha condemned being a psycho creep! That's what this is 'bout, ain't it?! Ya shot yerself in the foot, 'n now yer takin' it out on me!!

*The world around Diveman plunges into darkness, as he feels several jagged blades carving him open.

Wraithman: ...Hm. What can I say? You know me. You really are smarter than you look. And talk. I guess that means you win the prize.

*Diveman winces and grits his teeth as he feels tendrils reach into his body, pulling out random vitals and casting him aside. Other than few muffled grunts and groans, he does not scream.

Wraithman: ...If you call that winning.

*Wraithman jams his hands inside Diveman's jaw and hoists him up. However, Diveman remains silent as he feels Wraithman gazing into him.

Wraithman: Sorry. I didn't quite hear you. I'm certain there was supposed to be a scream, or even a yelp somewhere in all that symphony of pain. I must be rustier than I thought. Don't hold it against me.

*Diveman winces and grunts in pain as he feels his skin flayed from body. He coughs weakly, as he feels fluids pooling all around him.

Wraithman: Diveman, you have to be more cooperative, here. See, a symphony isn't complete if all the instruments aren't playing. And you only have one instrument to play. I'm playing strings.

*Wraithman casually slices Diveman in half.

Wraithman: Woodwind.

*Diveman feels his body flung across the room, right into jagged icy rocks that impale him.

Wraithman: And percussion.

*Wraithman slams his fist into Dive's face, caving it in.

Wraithman: All you need is to perform the vocals. I'm not asking too much, am I? Just one little scream. Is that really so taxing? Even if I might've crushed your vocal chip on that last blow.

Diveman: ...No...*spits blood in Wraith's face* Ya didn'.

*Wraithman angrily slams Dive's head into the ground, his skull cracking open beneath Wraith's foot.

Virgil: Hold on a second. Something's not quite right...

Wraithman: What do you suppose that is?

Virgil: Dive has gone a full five minutes without a single drunken slur, smartass remark, or curseword. He's never this quiet. At the very least, he would've called you an asshole by now.

Wraithman: ...

*As Wraithman contemplates Virgil's point, he quickly steps back, holding his scythe in a defensive posture.

Wraithman: ...You're right. Something's wrong here...

God: Your prayers have been answered.

Wraithman and Virgil: WHAT?

*Suddenly, the darkness lifts as Wraithman is tossed aside like a ragdoll. Divmean floats in the air legs together, arms out, holding his cross, surrounded by a golden halo as his wounds start to heal. Even the cross tapestry sewn on his chest falls off and fades away as the light bathes it.

Virgil: This can't be! The light and warmth of god doesn't shine down here! That's why this whole circle is frozen over!

Diveman: Yeah, well turns out I don' need no stinkin' redemption! God was on my side the whole dang time!

God: All you had to do was ask.

Virgil: No! No, this! This is bullshit!!

God: No. This is just for starters. St. Diveman...

Virgil: ...She did NOT just call him that...

God: ...Show the non-believers what I showed you.

*Diveman inserts his cross into the spine of Lucifer's old body. Instantly, the body roars to life, as it rises up, tearing the chains out of the wall. It glows with a heavenly light, as it transforms itself into a colossal, heavily-armed mech, integrating Dive's body inside of it.

Virgil: BULLSHIT!! I CALL BULLSHIT!!

*The mech breaks free of its icy prison and stomps towards Wraithman and Virgil, as Diveman's voice echoes from its speakers.

St. Diveman: Well Wraith, ya play a mean symphony. But ya know what's missing?

Wraithman: ...Nothing you need to add on my account...

St. Diveman: The guitar solo!!

*Wraithman tries to take cover in vain as he's bombarded by radiant beams of plasma and fully-automatic napalm canisters that reduce him to a pile of ashes next to Virgil. The mech's cannons all aim at Virgil, who smiles up at Divemech nervously.

Virgil: ...So, Diveman-

St. Diveman: SAINT Diveman.

Virgil: ...Saint Diveman...About that porno you wanted to be in...

St. Diveman: Oh believe me, I've got fantasy girl dream team already put together! 'N yer gonna use yer connect'ns 'n know how ta get it off tha ground! From Alexia Ashford ta Zelda, yer gonna make it happen!

Virgil: ...It's a deal!

St. Diveman: Good! Now yer my guide! Guide me ta Lucifer!

Virgil: On it!

*Virgil disappears for a second, then reappears.

Virgil: He's on top of Purgatory, in the Garden of Eden! He's seducing the penitents into committing sin again! You can't miss him!

St. Diveman: Kickass!

*Divemech activates hidden hoverjets in his legs to gently descend down the chasm.

Virgil: ...God help us all...

God: I already have. And don't worry, Virgil. There's something else you could be doing...

*Meanwhile, in Purgatory, Lucifer is surrounded by thousands of former penitents, who are now bowing to him, giving into their sinful ways.

Wrathful Penitent: You know what? You're right! I shouldn't have to atone for bombing a police department! It's the law's fault for driving me to commit such a horrible act! I can't believe I let God guilt me into thinking that!

Slothful Penitent: You mean I can spend all day just sitting on my ass eating chips dipped in month old nacho cheese?? I've been atoning for nothing this whole time??

Lustful Penitent: I don't speak for everyone here, but if you keep paying in me booty-licious demons, I'll help you wage whatever war you want on God!

Proud Penitent: Here, here! We all will!

Lucifer: See, that's why I like you penitents! You're willing to listen to reason if someone shows you a better way.

*Suddenly, the rising wail out of jet engines fills the air, as a dark shadow falls over the entire garden.

Wrathful Penitent: ...What's that...? *points up at the sky*

*Suddenly, a scorching laser beam sweeps across the garden, as all of Eden erupts into flames!

Wrathful Penitent: AGGGGHH!! I'M SORRY GOD!! IT'S NOT MY FAULT!! LUCIFER MADE ME DO IT!!

Lucifer: NO! It can't be!!

*St. Diveman drops down on top of Lucifer, his cannons leveled towards him.

St. Diveman: Happy to see me again??

Lucifer: ...NO!! NO, WHERE-WHERE DID YOU GET THAT?!

St. Diveman: Remember yer old prison body? God helped me tune it up into the fine instrumen' o' divine will ya see 'fore ya!

Lucifer: ...BULLSHIT!! I CALL BULLSHIT!!

St. Diveman:: Have ya got anythin' ta say fer yerself now that ya got tha wrath o' God starin' ya right in the face?

Lucifer: ...YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!!

*Lucifer flies off towards the Heavens, trying to dodge a barrage of particle beams, rail guns and subatomic warheads Divemech launches at him. Several of them hit, but do little to stop him.

St. Diveman: Oh, ya can' run fast 'nuff, l'il man!!

*St. Diveman pursues Lucifer, as he flies towards the celestial moon, still bombarding him with heat-seeking missiles and thermobaric warheads.

Inconstant Soul: I don't get it. I broke my vow to remain with my team, and I still get to go to Heaven? Is that really how it works?

Constance of Sicily: Well, here in the first sphere of Heaven, it does. Think of it as an opportunity to improve upon your fortitude. Take me for example, I was...transferred out of my covenant so I could-

Lucifer: GANG WAY!!

*Lucifer sprints past the two inconstant souls, who just scratch their heads and stare blankly.

Constance of Sicily: Uh, okay. So I could marry Henry VI-

St. Diveman: GANG WAY!!

*St. Diveman tramples through the inconstant spirits, crushing Constance beneath one of his six legs, and peppering the first Inconstant Soul with a gattling gun.

Inconstant Soul: AHHHH! AGGGGHHH!! WHHHHYYYY?!

*Meanwhile, in Venus, the Third Sphere of Heaven...

Lover Soul: Oh, my sweet Vampire Trunks! Though our spirits are apart for moment, our spirits will eventually reintertwine up here in the paradise for loverzzzz <3333

Lover Soul: Is that even a word?

Lover Soul: It is when you're in love as much as she is! I wish I had a man like Vampire Trunks...

Cunizza: I'm certain you will. After all, what better place to find to give your life to than up here in the sphere of lovers? As long as we continue to rely on each other-

???: Movemovemovemovemovemovemovemove-

Cunizza: Now what could that be?

Lucifer: *sprints past* MOVEMOVEMOVEMOVE!!

Lover Soul: Where do you think you're going?

*The two lovers catch Lucifer and press their bodies against him.

Lover Soul: What's your rush? Don't you want enjoy this paradise with us...?

Lucifer: *struggling* NOT NOW! NO TIME!!

*Suddenly, St. Diveman's shadow looms over the sphere, as he starts raining napalm and Jericho dive missiles from above.

Lucifer: GOTTA RUN!!

*Lucifer shakes the two lovers off of him as the whole sphere erupts into flames.

Lover Soul: Nooooooo...! My Vampire Trunnnnnkkkss!!

*Elsewhere, on Mars, the Fifth Sphere of Heaven...

Charlemagne: Lucifer's launching an invasion of Heaven! Well, I'd like to see him get past a sphere inhabited by the spirits of Fortitude!

Roland: The prince of darkness himself? That should fetch us a hefty sum. Our wine fund would be set for a millenia, at least.

Godfrey of Boullion: I suspect it'd be set for twice as long us if we switched sides...

Roland: Shhhhhh...Not so loud. Let's at least see how much we can get up front before we-

BOOOOOOMMMM!!

*Roland and Godfrey are enveloped in a thermobaric blast as Lucifer runs by.

Lucifer: EXCUSE ME!!

St. Diveman: STAY STILL!!

 

Charlemagne: What the-

*Charlemagne can barely finish his thought before a holy particle beam punches a hole in his stomach, streaking past Lucifer's ear.

Narrator: And so St. Diveman's pursuit/rampage continued. Through Jupiter, the Sphere of the Just Rulers. Saturn, the Sphere of the Contemplatives. The Fixed Stars of Faith, Hope and Love. Until finally, they closed in on the ninth sphere: the Premium Mobile, otherwise known as, the "First Moved", which encloses all the other spheres. It here, where the angels themselves dwell.

Narrator 3: We should probably. Call it. Something else. As. The Primum Mobile refers. To. A. Geocentric universe. Which we all. Know is. Bullcrap.

Narrator 2: Never mind that, Gabriel. Michael, did you just say that Diveman and Lucifer are on their way here?

Michael: That I did.

...

Gabriel: We should probably. Take cover. Or something. I don't know!

Michael: And so Gabriel, Raphael and I took cover, as Lucifer and Diveman exploded into our realm, locked in mortal combat.

Raphael: More like Lucifer is running for his life, while Diveman is shooting like a madman, not even bothering to aim.

Michael: Would you shut your cakehole, Raphael?? I'm telling the damn story!!

Raphael: You're always telling the story, you gloryhog!! This is the most I've narrated since the Comrades got together! Let someone else have a turn!

Gabriel: Good idea! While Michael and Raphael were arguing. Over. Who gets to narrate. Gabriel sees his opportunity and jumps in. Just as Diveman blasts the Prince of Darkness. With some kind of...Death Star cannon or something. Who knows what crazy crap he's packing in that robot suit!

Michael: Hey! Who said you got to take over, Gabriel?!

Gabriel: And now. Michael and Raphael. Are looking pretty pissed. That somebody else is narrating for them. And doing. A better job, might I add.

Raphael: That's a stretch, Gabriel.

Michael: Just shut your dang traps and let me do what I always do!

St. Diveman: Ah, so those guys were our narrators? Huh. I always wondered where the hell they came from.

Lucifer: Oh good.  Then it wasn't just me then-Oh crap... 

*Lucifer realizes too late that he let his guard down and finds himself staring down every barrel on St. Diveman's body.  Sighing, he drops to his knee and lowers his head.

St. Diveman: No more runnin'?

Lucifer:  Why bother?  We know how this going to end.  Just get it over with.  It still doesn't make you a savior though, if that's what you're thinking!!

St. Diveman: I got the Devil at barrels' end!!  How doesn' it?!

Lucifer:  How many times do we need to spell this out?!  Because you're an unapologetic sinner creation who will make creation suffer for your sins!!  It's all you ever will be!

????: Oh, don't be a drama queen.  He's not THAT bad.

*A bolt of lightning hits Lucifer between the eyes, sprawling him out like a sack of potatoes. St. Diveman looks up towards the source of the lightning and sees a heavenly, radiant figure descending from the Empyrean above him. Gazing down upon with soft, gentle blue eyes, and long golden hair cascading behind a pure white dress and feathered wings, the figure greets both Lucifer and Dante a warm, benevolent, gentle smile.

St. Diveman: ...Is that who I think it is?

Lucifer: ...No...Not you...Not now...

God: You've done well, St. Diveman.  I'll take it from here.  Alright Lucy. You wanted me. Here I am. Ready to take me on, all by yourself? Think your chances are better than they were last time?

Lucifer: ...It wasn't supposed to be this way...! But at this point, I'd settle for understanding why you're willing to absolve him*points at Diveman* but not me!! He's every bit as corrupt as you think I am, and you know it!

God: That's between me and him. But spare us the whiny anti-christ comparisons.  Bombing a bridge and getting nuns hooked on crack-

 

Lucifer: When did THAT happen?!

St. Diveman: Oh yeah!  Fun times. Hey, that woulda been fun to brin' up in Heresey!

God: -Doesn't come anywhere near plunging all of creation into chaos and torment just to spite me. Even he knows where the line is drawn. Something you never quite figured out.

Lucifer: You keep telling yourself that. But if this experience taught me anything, it's that if you're willing to tolerate him, the line between us gets blurrier everyday. So much for the so-called, all-loving, all-forgiving deity who stripped me of my pride.

God: Ouch. Look, I know we both said things you're going to regret. And lines in the sand were drawn. But believe it or not, I'm not as bitter about it as you are. I mean after all, no matter how much you hate me and plot my downfall...

*With a smile and wave of her hand, God opens a portal to Hell in front of Lucifer.

God: ...I'll always love you.

Lucifer: What are you going to do? Throw me back into that icy pit?! There's nothing down there that can hold me!

God: Who said anything about that?

*Lucifer takes a closer look at the portal and tilts his head.

Lucifer: Wait a second...This doesn't lead back to Treachery. What are you playing at-

Virgil: *pops out the portal, out of breath* Pant...Pant...Pant...Hoo boy. Lucy, if you think you're pissed now, you haven't seen anything yet.

Lucifer: I still don't-

Phlegyas: *pops out the portal* Oh boy! This action figure looks even cooler than GI Hobo and Casper! Does it say anything if I pull on it's string?!

Lucifer: *drops to his knees* OH SWEET, MERCIFUL, BEAUTIFUL, WELL-ENDOWED GOD I'M SORRY FOR EVERYTHING! PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME WITH-

*Phlegyas scoops up Lucifer and starts pulling on his spine.

Lucifer: AAAAGGHHHHHAAGGGHHH!! PLEASE NO!! I BEG OF YOU!!

Phlegyas: This is the best toy ever! Thanks, God! You always buy me the coolest toys!

Lucifer: I REPENT!! I REPENT!! KILL ME!! END IT ALL!! PLEASE!!

Phlegyas: Come on, Demon Woody! It's time for me take a bath! And I need somebody to help get the hard-to-reach areas!

Lucifer: ARRRGHHGGHHHH!!!

*Phlegyas drags a kicking, screaming and blubbering Lucifer back to Hell. Once he's gone, Diveman exits his mechanized suit of salvation and devastation.

Diveman: That'll teach ya ta fuck wit tha forces o' Heaven, asswipe!

Virgil: ...Yeah, you're not the one who saved the day, Diveman. In anything, you probably contributed the least out of anyone here.

Diveman: Don' care! It's Millertime!

God: You're not the least bit curious as to your own divine role or why I chose you?

*Diveman pulls out a remote, presses a button, and a keg drops out from underneath his saint armor..

Diveman: Who says the two don' go together? *sips his beer* Ta start off with, I'm guessin' it was you who sent Virgil to guide me, not Beatrice.

God: Of course. When would Beatrice have an opportunity to do that? I was hoping you'd notice that it was my way saying I was looking out for you.

Virgil: Okay, but a lot of this could've been prevented. In fact, I'd go so far as to say none of this needed to happen.

God: Of course it did! How else was I supposed to show Diveman the meaning of life?

Diveman: Which is?

God: You haven't figured it out? You're a dick.

Diveman: Yeah, I've always known that. But what's that gotta do with anythin'?

God: No, that IS your purpose in life. It always has been. I put on you on this Earth just to engage in every last mortal sin I could think of. Many of which, Lucifer is guilty of, as he kindly pointed out. And then when the time came, absolve you while leaving Lucifer to rot. Just so I could rub his face in it.

Diveman: So in other words, I'm yer middle finger to Lucifer?

God: And at least sixty percent of creation.

Diveman: ...No. This, this is too good to be true. I know it is.

Virgil: Really? I was thinking the opposite.

God: Why do you think you got so many free passes during the war? How else is it that you actually escaped Hell? How else is it that you got a woman who was attracted to your assholishness?? I willed it all from the beginning. Everything from your little joyride with Charon, to Minos falling on top of Francesco.

Diveman: 'Ya willed it all from the beginning'? Ya havta be a fuckin' god if ya knew what was gonna happen!

God: *shoots Diveman a scornful look* Seriously??

Diveman: ...Point taken...So ya don' mind that I either killed, condemned, and basically dragged everyone I ever knew ta Hell?

God: Is this the face of someone who cares?

Virgil:: ...Why even bother going so far to troll Lucifer...?

God: He's the Devil!! Do I need a reason?? But we've all had hard days whem you just want to burn the house down.

Virgil: ...I haven't...

God: ...But if you did, you'd have to build it all over again. And there are some parts of it you wouldn't want to burn anyway. Our submarine savior here helps me get the best of both worlds. When trouble rears its head, he'll save the day while raising the just right amount of hell while doing it. And in the most enjoyable, hilarious way.

Virgil: ...When you say it like that, you make it sound like he's the disaster buttons you press in Sim City when you're bored or frustrated with the game.

Diveman: Ya know what...? I'm fine with that. It's still the coolest story I've heard! Ah man!! I can' believe God in this epic is an even bigger asshole than I am!

God: Some would say that. But you are made in my image. You should've seen the stuff I pulled in my day. Ever heard of a town called 'Remina'? Or a guy named 'Heinrich?'

Diveman: Nope. 'N nope.

God: Never will. Now then, are you ready to claim your reward?

*God opens a portal into the Empyrean, a kingdom outside the physical realm. On the other side, Diveman sees...

Beatrice: Come, Dante. I forgive you...God forgives you...

Diveman: ...

*Diveman shoots Beatrice an uncomfortable look, as he backs away slightly.

God: What's wrong? You came all this way just for her, didn't you? What are you waiting for?

Diveman: ...If it's all the same to ya, I gotta different reward in mind...

*Later in the City of Dis...

Fury: At last! That's the last brick we needed to rebuild this city. It almost feels like I just drove in the golden spike.

Fallen Angel: Wow. It really does look home again. Down to the last bloody crucified body.

Damned Soul: But we must never forget those we have lost the day when Phlegyas arose from the murky depths.

Damned Soul: Yes. This bridge shall forever stand in their mem-

St. Diveman: God loves me 'n not you!

*As he fires thermobaric warheads in random directions, St. Diveman barrels through the bridge, sending the gathered damned falling to their dooms.

Fury: ...We really should've seen this coming, shouldn't we...?

Fallen Angel: ...Yeah...

Michael: And so rather than join Beatrice in the redeeming light of Heaven, Diveman remained in the cooler indulgences of Hell. Hell was back in working order, and restored to its former glory...

Unbaptized baby: Former glory?! Until power of government and creation are returned to the states, our glory, our utopia will be forever out of reach!

Unbaptized baby: We told you before! If we did that, we'd just be fifty smaller countries!! Haven't you been listening to us?!

Michael:...If you could call it that. As God found new entities to replaces the demons Diveman slaughtered...

God: So, what makes you suited to be the new Overseer of the Circle of Gluttony?

Spleen God: SKREEEEKK!

God: Opening up with a joke, are you? Tsk. Tsk. Not how I'd tackle the first question. *Jots down a few notes*

Spleen God: ...Skreeeeek...

Michael: Once Hell was functional, the condemned, the wicked, and the corrupt left choking the shores of Acheron could once again be sentenced for their respective sins and suffer their deserved fates.

Heretic: *burning in a flaming tomb* You just HAD to ask if there was more to Hell than just waiting in line at the DMV!

Thief: *being consumed by serpents* Yeah! Thanks for tempting fate, butthole!

Thug: *boiling in a river of blood* I thought we agreed it was the stinky glutton's fault!

Glutton: *buried in foul mud andbombarded with icy rain* You're not talking about me, are you?

Michael: And the restless undying damned who could not die because Hell could take them were finally able to meet their deserved fate.

*Elsewhere, in a time and place outside of ours...

General Cutman: When are we!?

Geminiman: There's a large disaster here in the future. A robot named Sigma declares his war on humanity by decimating a city with WMDs. Enough to destroy this field and us with it.

*General Cutman gripped his head. Checkmate! But his plan was perfect! But...he was going to lose because of Mesmerman again!? And now it's over before it even begins!? 

General Cutman: Wait a minute. What am I worried about? Ever since Diveman broke Hell, the damned can't die.

Geminiman: What? What are you talking about, and how can you know that?

General Cutman: I'm General Cutman! I know everything! I know how many molecules are in your mom's ass!

Geminiman: ...That raises further questions. Some of which I'm not sure I want answers to.

General Cutman: The point is, as a damned soul, unable to go to Hell and face judgment, I have an indefinite stay of execution! Whatever trap you tricked me into, you can't touch me!

*General Cutman smiles and folds his arms, as he watches the incoming warhead and subsequent explosion happen in slow motion. He just pulls otu a spare cigar and holds it out to the oncoming flames.

General Cutman: ...Yep. Everything's going to turn out just fine...

Michael: As for Diveman, for over a decade, he indulged in endless food and drink in Gluttony...

Diveman: You cretins back off! This here's MY deep-fried, chocolate-covered forty inch pizza!

Glutton: No fair!

Michael: ...Hoarded endless treasures in Greed...

Virgil: What the hell are you going to do with a gold-covered squirrel with an Elvis haircut??

Hoarder: What's he going to do with eight of them?

Diveman: Melt 'em down to a golden toilet seat so nobody else can have 'em! Duh!

Squanderer: You BASTARD!

Michael: ...Brutalized many violent, angry shades...

Angry Shade: IT'S STILL HOT AS SHIT IN HERE! AND WE'RE GETTING OUR ASSES KICKED!

Angry Shade: You think we didn't notice?!

*Diveman grabs one angry shade and beats another with him.

Diveman: Yeeha!

Michael: ...And of course, filmed enough pornos in Lust to fill up the Library of Congress.

Virgil: Alright Guinevere and Dido, I want you two doing 'Erotic Maypole' position when Diveman arrives delivering your pizza.

Guinevere: And we don't have any money to pay him, so we come to some other arrangement! Works for me!

Diveman: Can' go wrong!

Barbaracia: Do I really have to be here? I've got crooked politicians and senators I should be boiling in tar right now.

Diveman: C'mon! Yer wearin' a Princess Leia bikini! Ain't no way we're lettin' that talent go to waste.

Virgil: He's got you there. Okay, ready and-

*Suddenly, God appears in front of Diveman, with her arms crossed.

God: Sorry to interrupt. But I need to have a word with the main star.

Virgil: ...Alright. Everyone take five. We'll pick this up, later.

*Virgil and the porn stars all file out, leaving Dive alone with God.

Diveman: Oh! So ya wan' in on this scene, too? That works fer me!

God: No, I'm actually here to evict you.

Diveman: Wha?? Why?!

God: You've gotten too comfortable down here. This is place isn't supposed to be your personal playground. It's a dumpster that I can toss Lucifer and anyone else I don't like into.

Diveman: What's it ta ya?!

God: Remember, you're my middle finger to all of creation. And as long as you stay down here, you're not living up to your full potential. And fifteen years of bumming it in the afterlife is enough, I say.

Diveman: How 'bout I say 'no'?

God: How about I say 'too bad'? It's not up to you. I already put a little nostalgic bug in Hunter's and Sean's ears. I made them post a bunch of long-lost Cossack's Comrades eps on the Undernet. By now, they miss the good old days so much, that they're going to restart the team. The new roster's already put together. The eps are already written. There's no stopping it.

Diveman: ...I'm not sure if I understood any of that.

God: You're not supposed to. As of now, you're out of retirement. But don't worry. I won't erase all of your memories. You'll still remember that you were in robot hell. Until I personally saved you from eternal sobriety. You'll be singing hymns in my name, I promise you that.

Diveman: ...Ya really are a bitch...

God: Every time I'm called that, I get a dollar. Now go, oh Dickish Diveman. Carry out my will on Earth as it is in Heaven.

*The world inexplicably fades to white, as Diveman feels himself feeling light and drifting away. Suddenly, Diveman finds himself in a repair pod in an unfamiliar lab!

Diveman: GWAH!

*Dive bursts in the pod and crashes through the lab, disoriented. Until he finds a young woman pointing a shotgun at him.

Kalinka: I just spent a good amount of time putting you back together; don't make me have to do it all over again, Dive Dick!

*Diveman stops as he hears his old familiar nickname called out.

Diveman: Dive Dick; now there's a name I ain't heard in... Well, however long it's been! Thank you, God!

*Diveman drops to his knees and blesses himself. Meanwhile, far outside our physical realm, God watches Diveman preach away, holding a glass of wine in her hand.

God: ...The house always wins. Make me proud, St. Diveman.

Virgil:  Umm, speaking of houses, I still don’t have one, if anyone’s interested.

...

God:  How about that.

Gabriel:  And so.  St. Diveman’s biblical quest for sin, salvation.  Or in his case.  Salvation by committing sin. 

Raphael:  Now how does that work?

Gabriel:  Raphael.  Your mouth  Is open.  And words are coming out of it.  Make that stop.  Anyway.  Diveman’s journey.  From being sinner.  To being saint who commits even more sins.  Is complete. 

Raphael:  And now you also know how Diveman found God.  Which I'm sure was keeping you up at night.  Though whether creation has been saved, or doomed to slow, withering, festering condemnation is all in the eye of the beholder. 

Michael:  Damnit, you two!  You think that I step out to take a leak that means you get to close out the story?!

Gabriel:  You snooze.  You lose, Mikey.  There ain’t nothing to it.

Raphael:  As far as I’m concerned, you’re both a bunch of gloryhogs.

Virgil:  But what was important is that by the end of the story, Virgil got his house rebuilt. 

Raphael:  Nice try, you don't get to narrate this story.  I think we can agree that much. 

Gabriel:  I should say so.  Myself. 

Virgil:  Just one little hut!  Come on!  Raphael?  Gabriel?  Anyone?

Michael, Raphael and Gabriel:  No.

...

Virgil:  Then based on that, I'd say withering condemnation. 

Minos:  Cry me a river, you whiny serf!!  I'm STILL waiting for somebody to help me up!  We're all miserable down here!

Assassin: *wanders in* If your problems can be alleviated by me assassinating someone, then I have a proposition for you.

Minos: I'll say yes to anything you want...IF YOU CAN GET ME UP! And also, you'd be the coolest! 

FIN!

Cossack's Comrades

AM as Francesco          Sean as Ciacco          Geoff as Dante/Dive Man

Jet as Cleopatra       Hunter as the Assassin

John as Virgil       Avi as Judge Minos       Flippy as Phlegyas

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MM BN Chrono X
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