Cossack's Comrades

Cossack's Comrades Season 1: Epilogue 7

Absolutely Nothing Happens in this Ep!
By Avi

(One morning!)

Pharaoh Woman: From the depths of sleep, I RISE! With the beams of Ra's morning light gleaming off my golden frame, I face the day ANEW!

(She awakens to a citadel filled with dust, cobwebs... more dust, walls falling apart or something I guess, and a tumbleweed, why not - point is, the place looks like it was abandoned YEARS ago.)

Pharaoh Woman: Well, uh... I've been dead and buried in a tomb that looked much like our divine place of residence does now. This was IN AGES LONG FORGOTTEN BY TIME'S FLEETING EMBRACE, long before my immortal spirit was channeled into this robotic vessel... or however I was made. I dunno.

Kalinka: Oh, good morning, Avi. *takes a sip of coffee - yes, coffee; not vodka, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.*

Pharaoh Woman: EEP! I didn't know you were here-erm, which is to say, HUMBLEST OF GREETINGS to you, my loyal vizier!

Kalinka: Yeah, hi. *goes about her business, whatever that may be*

Pharaoh Woman: If I may draw from the wellspring of your infinite wisdom, erm, Vizier... things... you know, like... it's been slow around here. My questioning nature compels me to ask: why?

Kalinka: There just haven't been any paranormal or trans-dimensional incidents lately. Therefore, the Comrades simply haven't been needed.

Pharaoh Woman: Oh. Well, um, as queen - I'm still queen, right?

Kalinka: ...sure.

Pharaoh Woman: Right. As queen, it is my duty, NAY, my WORD EXPRESSING MORE WEIGHT THAN "DUTY," to ensure that our kingdom lives on, never to drown in the tides of obscurity! ...Anyone have a thesaurus?

Dust Man: *randomly shows up* I have a thesaurus. Actually, to be more precise, I do not possess any thesaurus in physical form, nor do I possess one in the form of an e-book. However, it is in a digital medium nonetheless; which is to say, programmed into my CPU. Possible synonyms may include, but are not limited to: burden, obligation, occupation, calling, undertaking, committal-

Pharaoh Woman: Thank you, Commissioner of Custodial Services. Speaking of your position, may I inquire as of to why our dwelling is, as our modern folk would put it, a "disheveled mess?"

Dust Man: I would vacuum, but I require a new bag. We live in the year 20XX, yet my design was based off of a vintage vacuum cleaner circa 20th century. As one can imagine, it is difficult to find compatible components for my make in this day and age.

Pharaoh Woman: Oh... well, um, perhaps, we could ask noble St. Dive Man to unearth such an artifact! He spends his days exploring the ruins of ancient civilizations under the sea... such cultures surely had vacuum bags!

St. Dive Man: Yer logic's almost as bad as yer stench. Look, I gotta get outta here before I CHOKE. I'm off ta church.

Pharaoh Woman: Then perchance, you could PRAY for a vacuum bag?

St. Dive Man: If I can put ya in it and send ya down the river, sure. *leaves*

Pharaoh Woman: Hehe. He may be my political adversary, but I know we can depend on him! Now, all we have to do is wait, and surely he will bestow upon us a vacuum bag, sent from the heavens!

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Pharaoh Woman: So, um... like... how is everybody?

Ring Man: Good.

Bright Babe: Good.

Pharaoh Woman: I, too, am what mortals describe as "good."

Ring Man: That's good.

Bright Babe: Yup.

Ring Man: Mm-hm.

Pharaoh Woman: You two are very... how you say, "normal."

Ring Man: Yep.

Bright Babe: Mm-hm.

Pharaoh Woman: This is most certainly not a bad thing! For I welcome citizens from all walks of life into my kingdom.

Ring Man: This is only reaffirming my stance that normal is abnormal around here.

Drill Man: Is that so, John? Your behavior always has been very... peculiar. Look at you, standing around, acting suspiciously "normal..."

Ring Man: *sigh* Here we go again... let me guess, you're going to accuse me of sabotaging the dimensional scanners, so that everything comes up, well, normal, or something?

Drill Man: SO YOU ADMIT TO IT!! You seek to bathe the world in your twisted perception of "normalcy," which is to say, trans-dimensional ABNORMALITIES!

Bright Babe: Hey, be nice to him, Drill. After all, I am "normal" as well, yet you don't accuse me of being a "mole."

Drill Man: Well, you didn't plug in the wrong wires when setting up my TV. ...DON'T LAUGH! It could have been a bomb!

Bright Babe: You carry bombs in your drill hands, you know.

Drill Man: Like... whoa. Mind blown. Or something.

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Pharaoh Woman: Slow day.

Dust Man: In the general sense, yes. But the interactions we engaged in today yielded 803 words more than the average around here since the 21st of March. I did a word count. It is now up to 827, by the way. ...831.

Pharaoh Woman: 832!

Bright Babe: 833!

Dust Man: I should note that my word count included our names as well...

Toad Man: Yeah, you losers couldn't count to save your lives. Allow a true master to show you how it's done-TWELVE!!

Dust Man: 12 does not come after-

Toad Man: PURPLE!

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Toad Man: J!

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Toad Man: THE U.S. VIRGIN ISLANDS!

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Pharaoh Woman: Um... err, it would seem the Amphibious Abomination from Below has invented his own counting method! Anything to contribute to our kingdom's diverse culture... heh... right?

Ring Man: Not really.

Pharaoh Woman: Oh. Errm, it was... just an idea.

Bright Babe: A conversation piece, if nothing else.

Pharaoh Woman: Conversation is good. As is, you know, seizing the essence of life the gods sent coursing through our beings, and instead of merely talking, ACTING! Unlike my fellow agent of the undead...

Skull Man: *activates* If none of you are in any danger, then I see no need to be activated. *deactivates*

Pharaoh Woman: See how he stands as a statue, attracting dust like nobles to a royal banquet! ...Dust is his weakness. I've played Mega Man 4.

Dust Man: Actually, that would be my projectiles, which contain more scrap metal than literal dust. In fact, if I had a bag, I'd actually be able to remove all the dust from him, allowing him to function more efficiently.

Pharaoh Woman: But alas! As cruel fate would have it, vacuum bags are but relic forever lost to all of man! Oh, but if only St. Dive Man's prayers would reach the heavens...

Kalinka: Avi... you were just going on about not talking, but ACTING. You're clearly concerned about the cleanliness of our citadel... so why don't YOU try cleaning?

Pharaoh Woman: M-me? Well, you know... when I was a living mortal, which I totally was, I think, the servants did the cleaning. Now, I'm not saying I'm above it - I'm a queen of the people! It's just that... you know... they uh, never taught me how. I'd love to clean, but, but... what if I was to mess up? What would my people think of me?

Kalinka: If you're a "queen of the people," then you wouldn't worry about something as petty as your image.

Pharaoh Woman: I... yeah, you're right... I should act!

Kalinka: *handing her a broom, smiling* There's no time like the present.

Pharaoh Woman: *takes the broom* What is this... strange device?

Kalinka: It's called a broom. You use it to clean things.

Pharaoh Woman: *stares at the broom* Mortals sure come up with some impressive creations! GAZE UPON IT! *holds it skyward* It appears but a simple wooden rod, yet it fringes out into an impressive sunburst of straw fibers! I AM AWE INSPIRED!

Kalinka: Great, now you can use it to-

Pharaoh Woman: No, I cannot defile such a lovingly crafted masterpiece, A CORNERSTONE OF MORTAL ARTISTRY, with dirt and grime. Instead, I shall craft my own cleaning device!

Kalinka: Well, whatever makes you comfortable, I guess.

Pharaoh Woman: Yes, I shall make a new bag for Dustman. So I get to act, AND help a citizen in need!

Dust Man: Well, heh, that's awful nice of you...

Pharaoh Woman: I shall sew it from the finest wool this side of Murmansk!

Staccato: You called, milady?

Pharaoh Woman: O brave knight! You know what to do!

Staccato: Happily obliged!

Sheep Babe: NOOOOOO What will my darling Edward Trunks think of me without my beautiful-

And so, one sheared Sheep Babe later, Pharaoh Woman was able to craft a brand new vacuum bag for Dust Man, and all was shiny-sparkly. Through it all, she learned a valuable lesson... kind of? Eh.

THE END.

Cossack's Comrades

AM as Drill Man          Sean as Dust Man          Geoff as Dive Man

Jet as Bright Babe       Hunter as Skull Man

John as Ring Man       Avi as Pharaoh Woman       Flippy as Toad Man

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