“It's a B-Movie Show”
By A.M. (Drill Man)
*It is another busy day for Kalinka Cossack and the Cossack's Comrades. The group is assembled in the war room to go over a new assignment specifically assigned to them by the RPD.*
Kalinka: So Comrades, we have confirmed reports of an alien invasion occurring in America at this very moment!
Ring Man: Oh joy. Another invasion. Isn't this, like, the third this month?
Drill Man: Why do you say that? Do you have somewhere else to be? What sort of insidious plot are you planning now "John?"
Ring Man: Will you ever trust me at all?
Drill Man: I do not trust anybody John, you just top that list.
Dust Man: Err...to get back on track here what is our mission exactly Dr. Cossack?
Kalinka: Good question Sean. We first learned of these incidents through reports of strange lights appearing over graveyards. Gunker, can you switch the slide please?
Gunker: Gunker doesn't want the tiny Comrades to go on this mission. Gunker wants to party with St. Geoff and find fast women.
Kalinka: Geoff, why are you corrupting Gunker with your vices?
Dive Man: I can't help that Gunker here is drawn to my charismatic nature. Gunker, listen ta the lady. The sooner we get back the sooner I'll take ya down ta the pub.
Gunker: Gunker likes the pub.
*Gunker switches the screen to a map*
Kalinka: Anyway....as you can see here the graveyards are all circling around this small town. The map calls it "Nilbog." You all are responsible for questioning the townspeople and patrolling the graveyards near there at night. Maybe we stop them from pilfering those poor souls before they accomplish...well whatever it is they are trying to accomplish.
Toad Man: Flippy is on the case! To the Cossack Mobile!
Pharaoh Woman: We have a Cossack Mobile?! Why was I not informed about this?
Kalinka: Flippy, there hasn't been a "Cossack Mobile" in 15 years. Besides, we are in Russia. You need to go to America. You can't drive there.
Toad Man: Clearly you don't know Flippy!
*And so our heroes make it to the small town of Nilbog. The octet began to look around to see what they could find.*
Dive Man: This pissant town ain't got a bar?! How do these prudes live?
Dust Man: Perhaps there is a shortage of supplies. Remember that time you caused that Vodka shortage?
Dive Man: Nope! I was too plastered ta care.
Ring Man: Or last week when you blew up Kilkenny's for giving you Jameson instead of Jack Daniels?
Dive Man: They had it coming.
Pharaoh Woman: What about when you killed the Zurr-Enn-Arr ambassador for not chilling wine at our peace negotiations? We almost went to war because you ruined my peace treaty!
Drill Man: Enough squabbling, look at this sign!
*He points to the Nilbog sign.*
Pharaoh Woman: Oh Ra! It's hideous! The color green doesn't work well at all on that wood...um...that's what you were looking at, right?
Drill Man: Of course not, look at the name! How didn't I see this sooner?
Bright Babe: See what?
Drill Man: Nilbog! It's goblin spelled backwards! This is their domain! We have to be on priority alert!
Toad Man: Holy Hornytoads Drill Man! We have to stop the goblins from eating all the little pretty robots! Sound the alarm!
Dust Man: See what you've done AM? You got him riled up, you deal with him.
Drill Man: But my theory is sound!
Ring Man: No it's not. It's just a name. That's like someone living on Pirate Street. Does that mean they are pirates? Nope. Stop being paranoid.
Drill Man: Your goblin masters have taught you well.
Skull Man: This bickering is pointless, it's clear we are going to be here for a while. AM, why don't you and Flippy go "investigate" the "goblins?" Geoff...err St. Geoff and Jet, you should go find a hotel for us to check in until we have to leave this dingy little town. John, Avi, Sean, and myself shall go check the local graveyards for any leads.
Dive Man: Who died and put ya in charge Skellington?
Skull Man: I did, as you tell me every day.
Dive Man: As I'll do until I die and go ta heaven.
*The Comrades split up into three teams. After some searching, Dive Man and BrightBabe found a little hotel owned by a...satyr.*
Torgo: WeLcoMe tO TorGo'S HoTeL. I Am ToRgo.
Bright Babe: I thought so. Um can we please have a room for the next few days Mr. Torgo sir?
Torgo: ThE MaStEr wOuLd nOt ApPrOvE. BuT hE LiKeS WoMeN. mAyBe yOu CaN sTaY.
Dive Man: Good shit, now Torgo my fine sir where can I get shitfaced around here?
Torgo: ThErE iS nO bAr HeRe. It WiLl Be DaRk sOoN. ThErE iS nO bAr HeRe.
Dive Man: Damn, what kind of place you running here Torrid?
Torgo: I aM tOrGo.
Bright Babe: Yes you've told us that. Can we have that room? Please?
Torgo: vErY wElL. BuT dO nOt DrInK oR eAt AnYtHiNg. It WiLl Be DaRk SoOn. BeWaRe.
Dive Man: Go suck an egg Torrent. Come on Jet, lets do what we came here to do.
*The pair go upstairs and enter a dingy little room. St. Geoff wastes no time in destroying as much stuff as he can.*
Dive Man: Finally, a place to piss on and trash!
Bright Babe: But Geoff, we can't mess up this place or else Kalinka will have to pay for it! Think of her!
Dive Man: Must you broads always look out for each other? Fine, I'll stop but if I don't get a drink I'll kill someone. How can anybody not drink in this town?
Voice: Well I don't drink, but I don't live here hahaha.
*Their door opens and several people appear. One of them looks almost inhuman!*
Dive Man: The hell? Holy crap, it is a goblin! AM was right!
Voice: Haha, what a kidder. I'm not a goblin, I'm Johnny! And this is my girl Lisa. Doesn't she look so sexy in her red dress?
Lisa: Oh Johnny you...
*Lisa looks at Dive Man and a strange look on her face.*
Lisa: And who is this rugged man?
Bright Babe: Um this is Dive Man and I'm Bright Babe.
Johnny: Oh hai. Oh, this is my ward Denny and my best friends Mark and Peter.
Mark: Oh hey what's going on?
Peter: Why are giant robots checking into a hotel? Can't you teleport back to your base or something?
Johnny: Hahaha Peter you are always playing psychologist. Let us start our Nilbog vacation huh. Come on friends, you can join us.
Dive Man: What kind of freakin' accent do you have Troll Man?
Bright Babe: What my friend means to say is we have work we need to do. Sorry, but we hope you enjoy your vacation.
Lisa: Oh come on Dive Man, don't you want to stay and party? We've got liquor...
Johnny: And I have a football!
Bright Babe: Um, I don't think that's a...
Dive Man: You show me yours and I'll show ya mine! Let's party!
Lisa: Oh Dive Man, you know exactly what to say!
Johnny: Hahaha, lets go party huh.
*We depart this sordid scene to follow AM and Flippy travel the town of Nilbog.*
Drill Man: There is evil afoot here Flippy. A dark plague that needs to be purged.
Toad Man: And we are the ones to do it!
Drill Man: Uh yeah, right you are. We need to figure out what could kill the goblins.
Toad Man: We need to find the Goblin Queen and King!
Drill Man: The Goblin King and Queen...hmmm not sure if that factors into the plan. However it could be possible.
Toad Man: Dance magic, dance!
Drill Man: Actually, maybe not. Come on, we must investigate!
Toad Man: Let's go to the store. I'm hungry.
Drill Man: This is hardly the time or the place.
Toad Man: Well isn't a store the central hub of a town? Isn't that where everybody goes?
Drill Man: ...I hate it when you manage to be right.
Toad Man: It's part of my job!
Drill Man: Come on you glutton, let's go.
*The pair makes it to the general store. Inside is an elderly man who looks senile and crazy.*
Store Owner: Welcome to Nilbog stranger. We love guests in our town.
Drill Man: Well spoken...for a goblin!
Store Owner: Goblin. GOBLIN! There ain't no goblins, ya hear!
Toad Man: I want chicken!
Store Owner: Chicken. CHICKEN! There ain't no chicken here, ya hear! We here are vegetarians!
Toad Man: What can I eat then? I'm hungry.
Store Owner: Here, have some Nilbog milk. It's homegrown. And here. Have some corn. We love corn.
*The store owner hands over green milk and some corn with some green cream on it.*
Drill Man: Why is this food covered in green cream? What are you trying to pull goblin?!
Toad Man: Who cares! I'm famished.
Drill Man: Flippy, no!
*Flippy ate and drank the Nilbog products. The old man looked greedily at the pair.*
Store Owner: You, son! You must eat too! Eat our vegetables!
Drill Man: I'll pass you goblin soldier! What is in the corn? WHAT IS IN THE CORN?
*AM punches the old man and forces his drill into his face.*
Store Owner: You can't kill us all. We are many! Your friend here is doomed! As he digests the milk he will become plant. When he is plant we will feed!
Drill Man: See Flippy, he is a goblin! Goblin town, USA! Wait...plants?
Store Owner: We goblins are vegetarians, we cannot eat meat. So we turn meat into vegetables! Your friend here will be more food for our cause!
Toad Man: Actually I don't digest food. I'm a Robot Master.
Store Owner: What?! How can this be?!
Drill Man: Now tell me Mr. Goblin about your hierarchy. Tell me about your plan with the dead bodies.
Toad Man: And the Goblin King and Queen!
Drill Man: Sure, them too.
*As the old goblin is beaten and mauled by Flippy and AM; John, Sean, Avi, and Hunter converge on the graveyards surrounding the towns.*
Skull Man: Judging by the recently disturbed ground, these aliens appear to have visited this site not too long ago.
Pharaoh Woman: This means that we could encounter them anywhere!
Dust Man: I hope so, this entire town gives me a bad feeling.
Ring Man: Speaking of, do you have any idea who or what that is?
*John points over to a slow moving person in a cape.*
Dust Man: Dracula?!
Pharaoh Woman: Stand back and let this Mistress of the Nile strike vengeance upon this soul should ye be foe!
Ring Man: Oh you've been practicing I see.
Pharaoh Woman: Is it really that apparent?
Ring Man: Only if you listen for it.
*The caped figure descends upon the trio, who promptly blast it to hell with their weapons. Sean examines the corpse.*
Dust Man: This man was already dead. I think we have finally encountered our zombies.
Voice: You stupid robots and your stupid minds! You know not what you are dealing with!
Pharaoh Woman: Holy Ra where did that come from?!
Ring Man: Look up. I think we found our aliens too.
*The four are beamed into a flying saucer which is floating overhead. Inside the three are greeted by a humanoid alien.*
Alien: Greeting, my name is Eros and you stupid human built machines are ruining all of my plans!
Pharaoh Woman: Greetings noble Eros! We are the Cossacks Comrades from Earth! If I may ask, what plans are you referring to and how have you come to speak our language so fluently?
Eros: So stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid.
Dust Man: We are going to be here for awhile aren't we?
Ring Man: Yep. I just hope Geoff isn't getting too restless.
*Let's check in on them shall we?*
Johnny: Wow you know how to throw a mean football Mr. Submarine hahaha.
Lisa: That isn't all he can throw from what I can see.
Johnny: Oh Lisa you are such a kidder.
Dive Man: Less talking troll man and more drinking.
Johnny: I do not drink, surely you must be joking.
Dive Man: I've been tossing a football in a hotel room for twenty minutes and I have yet ta see a single drink. Produce da booze or else I'll get pissed.
Lisa: Who want's a scotchka?
Dive Man: Scotch and vodka?
Lisa: Johnny if you love me you will drink this.
Johnny: Ok babe. Wow it is good!
Bright Babe: So...Denny was it? What do you do with yourself?
Denny: I just like to watch you.
Bright Babe: ...oh. Suddenly I feel less comfortable here than I did before.
*Peter, Mark, and Torgo walk in the room, looking very concerned.*
Mark: Oh hey guys.
Peter: As you see Mr. Torgo the damage was caused by these two here.
Dive Man: Wow pissant, way to throw us under da bus.
Torgo: WhErE dId YoU gEt ThE dRiNkS?
Lisa: We brought them Mr. Torgo sir. Could we please keep drinking them?
Torgo: I LiKe YoU. tHe MaStEr HaS sO mAnY wIvEs. He CaN't HaVe YoU. i WaNt YoU.
Lisa: Oh Mr. Torgo, you can have me all you want if you let us drink and party a little more.
Torgo: oK MaDaMe.
*Torgo leaves the room very slowly. When he leaves, Johnny passes out on the floor from being too drunk.*
Lisa: Now that Johnny is out, I need to show you something Mr. Dive Man.
Dive Man: Give me the bottle and I'll...what da hell is that little shit doing to Jet?!
*The two turn and see Denny trying to kiss Jet awkwardly. St. Geoff takes Denny and snaps his spine in half.*
Peter: Jesus Christ you killed him!
Dive Man: *crushes Peter's head* Should have never taken Her name in vain. Come on kid, pestering you is my job. Let's leave.
Bright Babe: Thank you Dive! Um, good luck with Mr. Torgo. Good bye!
*Dive and Bright leave the hotel, passing Torgo still making his way downstairs. Outside St. Geoff contemplates on is he wants to destroy the building or not.*
Dive Man: Kid, I'm torn between blowing the building and killing everyone inside for being sinners or letting them live in their own personal hell.
Bright Babe: I think that we should get back to the mission at hand. This entire adventure doesn't seem to make any logical sense.
*Suddenly the two hear a mob of people start screaming. The two head over there and see AM and Flippy battling the townspeople.*
Dive Man: Now THIS is a much more satisfying way to get out pent up aggression!
Drill Man: Take this you goblin scum! You will bring us to your queen or you will die!
*Dive lets loose a barrage of missiles. They instantly kill all of the townspeople.*
Dive Man: That's it? Damn it I wanted a big drawn out fight.
Toad Man: Yay, the gang is back together!
Drill Man: Listen up, there are multiple plots happening at once. The goblins here are killing people and turning them into plants to eat. Their leader, the goblin queen, is now at some old church down the road.
Bright Babe: Wow, we are sorry to have doubted you. But what about the dead bodies?
Toad Man: No idea, that wasn't the goblins. They have no idea about it. We think that there is a larger force at work here.
Dive Man: No time to get to ta others, let's get this Goblin Bitch killed and ask questions later. The sooner we get back to Gunker and Kalinka, the sooner I can get some semblance of normalcy back into ma life.
Drill Man: Curious though, where are the others? Still at the graveyard?
Dive Man: Who gives a damn?
*Well I give a damn, let us return to the alien saucer*
Skull Man: So back this up. You are telling me goblins DO exist, they live in the town, and you are using the dead to destroy the goblins before they DESTROY the universe? That is a lot to handle.
Eros: Your primitive minds are too frail to see what is right in front of you. Plan 9 was to use the dead, but you and your friends have stopped that plan. Our sleeper is no longer responding so I assume Agent Wiseau is no longer with us. You leave me with no other option but to use Plan 10.
Dust Man: Plan...10?
Eros: Indeed. If we can not stop them with the dead, we can stop them with a natural resource your planet has provided us with. Prepare your feeble brains for a birdemic like you have never seen before!
Pharaoh Woman: Not a birdemic!
Dust Man: A...birdemic?
Eros: Unleash Plan 10!
*Suddenly the saucer shakes. The bottom of the craft opens up with several thousand birds. The birds descend upon the town and our heroes!*
Toad Man: There goes the sun, here comes the night!
Bright Babe: Somebody turn on the light!
Toad Man: Somebody tell me that fate will be kind!
Goblin: You can’t get out you are out of your…
*The goblin explodes when brought in contact with a bird*
Drill Man: What the hell? Exploding birds?
Dive Man: Can we please get back ta Russia? This is some of the most mind numbingly pointless crap I have ever witnessed.
Toad Man: Don’t you see! We must defend ourselves against the birds that explode!
Bright Babe: …explode? Are you sure it wasn’t just a fluke?
Toad Man: Watch them! They go boom!
*Sure enough, the birds launch themselves at the goblin townsfolk. They all do indeed explode. Great observation Flippy!*
Drill Man: This is our chance to get to the church! Come on guys!
Voice: Wait what about us lover!
*From Torgo’s hotel appears Mark, Lisa, Johnny, and another fellow*
Drill Man: Look, it is the alien who caused this!
Bright Babe: That isn’t an alien, that’s just some people who we met at the hotel. It’s been a long night.
Dive Man: Though who is mug shot over there?
Guy: I’m Mike, Lisa’s friend! I was making out with my girlfriend Michelle and I realized I left my protection in my other underwear, so I went to get it and when I did Michelle was dead by the…
*The birds kill Mike. I think nobody will miss him*
Dive Man: Not the underwear kid! He was my favorite!
*I stand corrected*
Mark: So what’s going on here.
Johnny: *drunk* It’s terrible, Eros started the Birdemic hahaha. We are going to die. There is only one thing to do huh.
Mark: You said it Johnny.
*The two start throwing the football around. Everybody stares in amazement*
Dive Man: I’m gonna kill ‘em. There isn’t a question about it now.
Drill Man: Hold your fire St. Geoff, I think they are on to something. The football seems to be driving them away.
Johnny: See guys, I know what to do haha. Now grab some coat hangers and start swinging! It is our only hope!
Lisa: Oh Dive Man, please save me! Use your big blue muscles and save me from this birdemic!
Dive Man: Can I kill her?
Drill Man: Eh she might be involved. Kill her or detain her, I can’t stop you.
Lisa: I know where the church is!
Drill Man: Of course! It all makes sense!
Bright Babe: It does?
Toad Man: It’s obvious! Lisa is really the goblin queen!
Johnny: You must be joking!
Lisa: Hahaha oh joking they are not “lover boy.”
*Suddenly before their eyes Lisa changes into a horrible looking woman!*
Goblin Queen: I am Creedence Lenore Gielgud, the goblin queen! This is MY town!
Johnny: But why Lisa, why?! Why the secrets?
Creedence Lenore Gielgud: Because you could never satisfy me Johnny! I thought Mark might be a good enough man for me it turns out the only man for me is Dive Man!
Dive Man: Woah Goblin Lady, I never said anything about that. I just wanted some booze.
Creedence Lenore Gielgud: And booze I shall give you! Kill everyone here and the goblins will raise a bar in your honor! No tabs or tips! Scotchka every day! What do you say?
Voice: Hold it!
*Everybody turns around. It is Peter…who is still alive! But he is different somehow*
“Peter”: You have to stop this Lisa. You are ruining our friendship!
Creedence Lenore Gielgud: Oh Steven you think you can stop my goblins from turning every man in the planet into vegetables?
Bright Babe: I thought he was Peter? Who is Steven?
Toad Man: The true sign of a cheap production: switching actors in the middle of a movie!
Drill Man: This isn’t a movie. This is serious business!
“Steven”: Creedence, you have forced my hand. I knew Johnny was an alien spy and I could forgive that as he was harmless, but I have a hard time forgiving you “Lisa”. You give Goblin Royalty a bad name!
*”Steven” rips off his disguise to reveal a stunningly handsome man*
Drill Man: David Bowie?!
Bright Babe: My hero!
Toad Man: Dance, magic dance!
David Bowie the Goblin King: That is right Flippy. You believed in me and your wish will be granted! Dance, magic dance! Bring forth a baloney sandwich!
Creedence Lenore Gielgud: Noooooooo! I am ruined! What a world!
*Suddenly a bird lands on Creedence and kills her*
Mark: Wait, so Peter was Steven who was David Bowie; Johnny is an alien; and Lisa was the goblin queen? Was anybody I knew the real deal?
David Bowie the Goblin King: I am sorry for the deception Mark, but it was the only way. Now Johnny must return to his ship and I must return to Jim Hensen’s Creature Shop.
Mark: Where will I go?
Johnny: Oh hai Mark, why don’t you come with me huh? We can great adventures playing football!
Mark: I don’t know.
Johnny: Oh don’t be a chicken! Cheep cheep cheep!
Mark: Fine you convinced me! Let’s go!
Johnny: Let me call Eros. *calls him* Oh hai Eros! The plan worked! We got her! Huh? Oh the robots are here! Do you want to debrief them? No? Okay beam down the other ones and switch them with us! Hahaha you have a stupid mind too!
*So in a flash Mark and Johnny are replaced with the remaining Comrades*
Dust Man: What the hell just happened?
Drill Man: A deus ex machina.
Dive Man: That’s what I’ve been trying to ask!
Ring Man: We were in their space ship and then birds flew out and then they were gone. Eros said something about global warming and goblins or some garbage.
Skull Man: This was all way too convenient. And wasn’t David Bowie the Goblin King from the movie “Labyrinth?” Nothing in this adventure made any sense. It was like a bunch of jumbled garbage that had no place being in the same space. This raises so many questions.
Drill Man: Try not to think too hard. Our adventures have always had questionable continuity. I mean, I am a big Star Wars fan but Darth Vader is known to be in this galaxy searching for the Noid, who is a defunct fictional mascot from Domino’s Pizza. Everything and anything can exist in this world. It varies from situation to situation.
Toad Man: Does this mean we are real?
Drill Man: You are as real and sane as me.
Toad Man: Yay!
Pharaoh Woman: Well I think we have all learned something valuable today! We learned that…
Dive Man: Who cares Bandage Babe? Let’s get back home. I deserve that drink.
Pharaoh Woman: But can’t I…
Dive Man: No, we’ve wasted enough time in this dump.
Pharaoh Woman: …aw Ra….
*So our heroes teleport away, like they should have done hours ago, leaving only one person in the town of Nilbog*
Torgo: wHo WiLl PaY fOr ThIs MeSs? I wIlL gEt YoU cOsSaCkS cOmRaDeS!
AM as Drill Man Sean as Dust Man Geoff as Dive Man
Jet as Bright Babe Hunter as Skull Man
John as Ring Man Avi as Pharaoh Woman Flippy as Toad Man