Cossack's Comrades

Cossack's Comrades Season 1: Epilogue 9

“Cool Toad!”
By Hunter (Skull Man)

(A run-down apartment near Volgograd, Russia. From the scorch marks and the debris, it seems to be the site of a recent battle.)

Drill Man : Secure the perimeter, people ! They could be still be here. Sean, keep on monitoring these computers. If I see so much as a GIF file loading itself, blow the thing up.

Dust Man : You have to admit, this invasion plan was pretty clever.

Skull Man : This particular extra-dimensional invader's civilization managed to develop Internet-based travel. Had Over-1 been slower in detecting their action, the world would be overrun with these so-called "Virtual Adepts".

Pharaoh Woman : Praise be to Osiris for having this attack happen right when we were around here !

Toad Man : And I totally helped ! Right, guys ?

Skull Man : *without looking at Flippy* You tripped and cried during all the fight.

Toad Man : Exactly, Skeleton Man ! My tactical genius led us all to victory !

Comrades : *ignore Flippy*

Toad Man : My brain power leaves you all in awe, I see. So, Hula Hoop Guy, what did you think of today's performance ?

Ring Man : Wha- ? Of all the stupid, useless -

Toad Man : "Agile" ? "Dashing" ? That's right !

Ring Man : You can't jump ! You can barely throw acid !

Toad Man : Oh, stop flattering me ! I know my moves are impressive, but still ...

Ring Man : And you're ugly to boot !

Toad Man : Yeah, I'm so handsome it's a criiii-me ~!

Ring Man : You know what ? You're officially uncool. To the Box with you.

Toad Man : Wh- ? I ... I'm not cool ?

...

Toad Man : I THOUGHT YOU LIKED MEEEEEEEEEEEEE !! *runs away*

Bright Babe : Um, John ? I think you were kind of harsh to Flippy here.

Ring Man : Huh ? *turns, revealing his DS* I was just talking about my stupid Croagunk here. Can't hold his own against that stupid Drowzee.

Bright Babe : ... The things I have to put up with ...

(Later, at the base...)

Toad Man : He thinks I'm not cool. And if he does, then everyone else does. Maybe this explains why they feel I am ... useless.

(Dramatic thunder !)

Toad Man : Comrades are a superstitious and impressionable lot. I must strike awe into their hearts ! I shall become a fashionable creature of the nightclubs ! I shall become ...

(Far away, a detonation can be heard.)

Toad Man : A cannonball ? Naaaah.

(And seconds later, a cool-looking person flies through the window !)

? : Duuuuude ...

Toad Man : Sir ? Sir ? You, the guy dressed like it's the 90s ! What happened ?

90s Kid : Duuuuude ! I ... I tried to open my vault full of Bloodpouch comics, and it turned out they still were THE BOMB !!

Toad Man : Oh.

90s Kid : They were literally the bomb, too, because of some bogus fermentation. I think I'm about to die from foil-covered paper shrapnel.

Toad Man : If there's anything I can do...

90s Kid : What's your name, dude ?

Toad Man : Flippy.

90s Kid : Then, Flippy, it is to you, old friend ... well, not that "old" but, y'know ... that I pass on the Shades of Radicalness, as they were passed on to me by Rob Liefeld.

Toad Man : But ... I'm not worthy !

90s Kid : Nor was I. But now, I must become one with 90s Heaven. Wear these ... till all ... are EXTREEEEEME !!! *dies*

Toad Man : Goodbye, cool kid. ... That's it ! That's an omen ! I shall become ... A COOL KID !!!

(Dramatic thunder !)

(The next morning, at breakfast...)

Kalinka : I'm a bit worried about Flippy. It really seemed like he was down in the dumps, yesterday.

Dive Man : Lit'rally or figurately ? Mind, I don't give a frak either way.

Nástenka: A bit more respect, Geoff ! He's family, whether you (or I) like it or not.

Drill Man : And we need him. Suppose the Soapmen finally attack ? We're doomed without his acid rain.

Gunker : Mining Comrade hasn't let go of his Mr Clean conspiracy ?

Drill Man : That baldy is too nice to be trusted.

Skull Man : I will wake him and drag him here. Gradual force will be applied if needed.

? : *walking through the door* Are you ready for a RADICAL day, dweebs ?

Dust Man : *stares at the newcomer* No ... No ! Nooooooo !!!

(Enter the new and improved Toad Man ! Featuring a leather jacket, shades, and a backwards cap !)

Toad Man : So what's today's program, Boss Queen ? *sits in a rude manner*

Pharaoh Woman : A worthy question, o Protector of Sewers ! We shall attend a meeting about-

Toad Man : Nah I don't care.

Pharaoh Woman : But ... But ... We will learn-

Toad Man : You see that toad ? Actually, it's a tood. Like, "too cool to be schooled". *lights himself a chocolate cigarette*

Dive Man : *under his breath* Poser.

Toad Man : Bah, you're all boring this cool toad. I'm gonna hang around. Smell ya later, guys ! *walks away*

Ring Man : ... The Hell did I witness ?

Dive Man : *slaps John* Manners, Ringo. That thing was bliss compared ta what I saw down there.

Bright Babe : Kalinka ? Is it some kind of bug he's suffering ?

Kalinka : Honestly, I'm not sure. Maybe he's entered his mental puberty ?

Dive Man : So, what gotcha screamin', Sean ?

Dust Man : His ... his eyes ... they're in his toad-costume's mouth ... do you know how mind-breakingly terrifying this is ?

Everyone present : *ponders this and recoils in disgust*

Ring Man : That's it. I'm gonna join the Fatal Five if I want to keep my sanity.

Dive Man : Seconded.

(At the same time in Murmansk...)

Riff : *shudders*

Staccato : What is the matter, mylord ?

Riff : For a moment, I felt as if things were going to get REAL bad for us.

Staccato : You mean, once Warpman joins us to breakfast ?

Warpman : I'm already here, Sir Dung-for-brains.

Riff : No, something worse. *shrugs* It's gone, now.

Karasû : *enters the room* Companions ! Serghei decided to organize a Bomberman tournament this week-end ! Are you in ?

The Fatal Five : YES !

(Now, back to the madness...)

Kalinka : No ! We are a team and a family ! We'll go through this together !

Bright Babe : After all, it can't be worse than when Flippy decided he was the new Doctor Wily, right ?

Drill Man : The repairman has it for us now... Never trusted him anyway...

Kalinka : We'll go through our planning as usual. That's my final word !

(A bit later that afternoon...)

Ring Man : Stupid Flippy, skipping his turn of taking the trash out ... *hears a spraying noise* Huh ?

(Apparently, Flippy was busy shaking his hand in front of the RPD base's back wall.)

Ring Man : What's the matter, now ?

Toad Man : I'm maxxing the place, yo !

Ring Man : "Maxing" what ?

Toad Man : "Maxxing" with two "X" ! Can't track up with the slang train, dad ?

Ring Man : And what is this maxxing ?

Toad Man : To put it for squares, I'm adding colour to the place ! Expressing my inner soul and stuff !

Ring Man : ... Really ?

Toad Man : ... No. I just wanted to paint "Toad Rules, Crorq Drools".

Ring Man : And yet the wall is devoid of that profound message.

Toad Man : Yeah. And for some reason my hand is coated with paint. Think the paint can is leaking ?

Ring Man : You ... you ... *facepalms* The nozzle is the wrong way.

Toad Man : Huh. *looks in the nozzle and sprays it* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH I'M BLIND EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE *runs away*

Ring Man : It will be a loooooong day.

Toad Man : EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

(Later...)

Over-1 : What you need to understand, Sean, is that this hyper-thaumic detector must be repaired ASAP ! What if the Virtual Adepts strike again ?

Dust Man : A fine point on other threats. However, what good is a magic detector against an enemy with technological abilities ?

Over-1 : I've learned over time that, for some dimensions, magic and hyper-technology are one and same.

Toad Man : *enters room* Aaaayy !

Over-1 : *without looking* Go away we're busy.

Toad Man : What's shaking, dudes ?

Dust Man : *averting his eyes from Flippy* Your nonsensical linguo aside, we are trying to repair this magic detector here.

Toad Man : That all ? Pffft, just let this cool-as-Hell frog handle it ! *snaps his fingers over the detector*

Detector : *does not work*

Toad Man : Hm. Not really righteous, man-machine- whatevs. *snaps his fingers again*

Detector : *still doesn't work*

Toad Man : Extreme measures, eh ? *slaps the device*

Detector : *persists in its inert state*

Toad Man : NO MACHINE RESISTS THE FONZIE FIX !!! *batters the poor detector*

Detector : *starts showering sparks*

Over-1 : *restrains Flippy* Do you understand what you're doing ?

Toad Man : I'm showin' that toaster who's the coolest cat around the 'hood, that's what. *lights himself a lollipop*

Over-1 : Delicate machinery - ruined by your greasy hands ! Out ! Ouuuut ! *aims his Buster at Flippy*

Toad Man : Pah ! This was totes lame anyway. *walks off in a supposedly cool way ... and trips on a wire* I'm okay !

Over-1 : *sighs* Please tell me we can at least salvage the device.

Dust Man : You'll be surprised, but ... he fixed it.

Over-1 : Huh. *checks the detector* True, that. One in a million chance, I'd say.

(After a while...)

Dive Man : Time fer smokes. Wanna one ?

Bright Babe : I don't smoke, Geoff. Besides, isn't that your twelth break of the day ?

Dive Man : Eh, hard-workers gotta wind down, Lite-Brite.

Toad Man : Yeah, right. Hard-working fools are being played by The Man, y'know.

(They turn to see Flippy awkwardly leaning on a wall.)

Dive Man : Oh, look, it's Mister "Ten times cooler'n zero".

Toad Man : Man, I'm, like, too cool to care about your insults, dig ? *lights himself a toothpick*

Bright Babe : Is that ...

Dive Man : ... shutter shades ? Eyup.

Toad Man : Yeah, I covered the old ones in paint. But whatevs. Time to fight against The Man.

Dive Man : What, Crorq ? Keep it fer when yer in Megalopolis.

Toad Man : THE REVOLUTION WILL NOT BE STOPPED ! *pulls the fire alarm* *gets zapped* AIEEEEEE !!

Bright Babe : Geoff, did you booby-trap that one again ?

Dive Man : Hmm ? Nah, th' pigs disabled and rigged it after I pulled it at 2 AM for three weeks in a row. Best week I ever had.

Toad Man : AAAAAAAAAAA WHY CAN'T I REMOVE MY HAND AAAAAAAAAAAA

Dive Man : On th' other hand, the layer o' superglue is my contribution.

Bright Babe : I think John was on to something with his plan to move to Murmansk...

(After the frog dried down...)

Toad Man : *still charred* If attitude can't get me respect, then I know what will : EXTREME TRICKS, YO !

(Picture, if you will, a near 200-pounds toad trying to grind and flip on a barely-rolling skate board.)

Skull Man : *staring* These figures, considering the aerodynamics involved, are near impossible. I predict a gruesome death by skate-impalement in the upcoming 30 seconds.

Pharaoh Woman : So, pray tell, noble guardian of the Underworld, why the camera ?

Skull Man : Kalinka mentioned a lack of funds. Sold to the right persons, namely "Funniest Home Videos", our income could raise in significant ways.

Pharaoh Woman : Ah. A stratagem worthy of Thot ... I guess ? Maat maybe ? Is Hermes an Egyptian god - well of course he is, I should know, I am their brethren after all...

Skull Man : *takes a second camera and aims it at Avi*

Toad Man : Check this out, squares ! *MAD GRINDINGS* And now, the totally tubular grand finale : DOUBLE DOG DARE HELIX FLIP DELUXE DUNK !!!

*CRASH!*

Skull Man : Astounding. It is physically impossible.

Pharaoh Woman : *in awe*

Toad Man : *has managed to insert himself in the court's basketball ring* Uh, little help, guys ? Which is what a RUBE would say. I'm totally cool, y'know. Fine. Really.

Alarm : *ringing*

Skull Man & Pharaoh Woman : *run off*

Toad Man : Weak.

(It's a new invader attack, in the suburbs of Moscow ! After a few minutes, the Comrades are in the place, but the fight is a complete onslaught !)

Drill Man : Team regrouped ? Alright. Wait, wheres's Flippy ?

Skull Man : Delayed.

Drill Man : No matter. *over comm* Over-1, what's the status on these attackers ?

Over-1 : It's weird. I suppose you're familiar with " steampunk", right ?

Drill Man : Yeah. Good cover for the neo-Illuminati.

Over-1 : Whatever. I guess these are " grungepunk" invaders. 90s-based technology. Neon-based camo and boom-blasters.

Ring Man : Literal boom-blasters, I guess ?

Invaders : BRING BACK THE NINETIES ! BRING BACK THE NINETIES !

Dive Man : We're surrounded and outgunned. Guess we'll all die. Again.

Drill Man : Comrades, it's been an honour to be with you. *points at Ring Man* Except for you.

Pharaoh Woman : Great Horus, grant your faithful servants a miracle !

(Apparently egyptian gods are super-hip, because reinforcements arrive !)

Bright Babe : *looks* It's ... Flippy. On his skateboard.

(Or they're just cruel.)

Toad Man : *arrives with a MAXIMUM DRIFT* Yo yo, what's groovin', homies ?

Dive Man : 'Least I'm ta die soon.

Invader 1 : Look ! The Prophet !

Invader 2 : He'll bring back the nineties !

Invaders : *bow to Flippy*

Toad Man : They ... they love me ! *tears up* They think I'm cool !

Invader 1 : What is your command, Prophet ?

Toad Man : Hmm ... Well, invading other worlds ? That's not bodacious. Like, not at all. You should, like, be groovy cats and party on, dudes ! Also, recycle TO THE EXTREME !

Invaders : EXTREEEEEME !

Toad Man : Nah but seriously peace out, dudes.

Invaders : We have rad-alicious commands from the Prophet ! He has spoken ! *warp out*

Drill Man : ... It's a conspiracy ! You planned this invasion only for us to think you're cool !

Toad Man : But ... But ...

Drill Man : Admit it !

? : Ay, stop laying it on the small guy, buddy.

(They turn to see...)

Comrades : Fonzie ?!

Fonzie : *raises his thumbs* Aaay ! Flippy, right ?

Toad Man : How do you know my name ?

Fonzie : I'm cool like that. And I think my friend here knows you.

Toad Man : *looks* 90s Kid !

90s Kid : Duuuuuude ! After you dropped my body in the garbage, I came back to life ! But I had been replaced by Breakdancer 90s Kid, 90s Alien Robot Kid, 90s Cyborg Kid and 90s Baby ! It was TOTALLY AWESOOOOOOME ! And I'd like my sunglasses back, please.

Toad Man : I can't ! How can I be cool without them ?

Fonzie : *puts his arm around Flippy's shoulders* Son, you must know the truth : being cool is not about wearing sunglasses, a leather jacket, riding a bike, or talking slang. It's about being a good person, respecting others and being there for your friends and your family. And what you just did, saving everyone ? That was the coolest.

Toad Man : Wow !

90s Kid : And remember, Flippy, we'll always be in your hearts. Also, I'm 90s Kid, and what you see, is what you get !

(Fonzie and 90s Kid then leave in a time machine, presumably back to 1957.)

Skull Man : This chain of events was highly illogical.

Toad Man : They were right ... I made a complete fool of myself -

Dive Man : -No more'n usual-

Toad Man : - when the coolness was inside me all along ! Now let's go home !

Drill Man : Sure.

Toad Man : I'll cook for everyone !

(The mass indigestion that followed was a nightmare.

But remember what the Fonz said : be a good guy, and you'll be cool.)

----------------

THE END

Cossack's Comrades

AM as Drill Man          Sean as Dust Man          Geoff as Dive Man

Jet as Bright Babe       Hunter as Skull Man

John as Ring Man       Avi as Pharaoh Woman       Flippy as Toad Man

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