The Gulag Job
*We begin our day at the RPD Head Quarters. Kalinka has brought Toad and Drill to the office to assist in getting important data back to her lab.*
Kalinka: Come now you two, this is sensitive material and if we get it back to the lab I can get started with decrypting the information by tonight and save some time tomorrow for additional work.
Drill Man: No offense Kalinka, but if this is sensitive material, why did you have Toad come along with you?
Kalinka: Well Toad here is my best bet to distract Crorq from whatever his is doing. You see I am not supposed to bring this work home per say. I have no doubt Toad here will provide a perfect distraction, don’t you think?
Toad Man: Yay, I like making distractions!
Kalinka: Drill, please take these important documents. Toad, take these jail reports that I really don’t need.
Drill Man: Jail reports? Let me see that! I thought we dealt primarily with the paranormal aspects of the world? Has Crorq finally come to his senses…
*Just at that moment, the man of the hour himself arrives*
Crorq: Did I dare to hear a WORM like you to utter my grand and glorious name in a sentence that was not sanctioned by me?!
Drill Man: Well “oh gluttonous one” Kalinka here had some interesting jail reports here and I was curious if you looked into my theory about how our Russian prison systems have been hijacked by moles of some unknown entity that seeks to invade not just our home land but the world itself!
Crorq: Miss Cossack your creature had better hold his vocal processor for he is DARING to conceive the notion that my impenetrable domain has been invaded! That makes it seem like I am weak and NOBODY calls CRORQ THE MAGNIFICENT anything less than stunning.
Toad Man: How about radiant?
Crorq: That actually can do nicely. Cossack, I like this one. Give him a pay raise. He can have the wrapper of one of my KFC Double Downs. It is my treat!
Toad Man: Really?! You mean it?!
Crorq: Crorq rewards his loyal followers! Now get out of my sight you miserable Comrades and don’t you dare utter another word in my presence again Mr. Drill Man or else you will go exactly to the to the place you are slandering!
*And then Drill Man got an idea. An awful idea. Why Drill Man got a wonder, awful idea!*
Kalinka: Oh…oh AM no! Not to him! Please not now!
Drill Man: Shove a lid in it Crorq! You are so blind to the truth that it hurts!
Crorq: Why of all the…how dare….GUARDS! SEND THIS TRAITOR STRAIGHT TO THE GULAG!
*And so Drill Man was apprehended. As he was taken away, he nodded to Toad Man and Kalinka and accepted his fate. The two then slunk out of the office without a word.*
Kalinka: What has gotten into him lately Flippy? I never remembered anything like this happening. And to top it all off I never got my information because Drill still had it on him! Nothing could make this day get any better!
Toad Man: It’s okay Kalinka, look here is your data!
*Toad hands over the sensitive data Kalinka needed to the woman*
Toad Man: You said to make a distraction; I figured Drill would be the perfect distraction!
Kalinka: He planned it all didn’t he? That son of a bitch! But don’t you realize what this means?
Toad Man: That I never got my Double Down wrapper :(
Kalinka: No; that we need to send some of you into the gulag to get him out. But who would be so pompous and full of themselves to take on an improbable mission to risk breaking RPD law without anyone finding out about it?
*And so the scene switches to the Comrades base of operations*
Dive Man: Did I misunderstand you Blondie? You want Pharaoh Fart and myself ta BREAK IN ta that Russian Gulag ta get back Crazy Hands? Do you have any respect for my nose?!
Kalinka: If by Crazy Hands you mean AM then yes. You both are the only two people on this team who can realistically infiltrate a large scale death camp and not immediately be called out on trying to extract one of our own.
Dive Man: Well I can see why you would think of yours truly but why the Putrid Princess?
Pharaoh Woman: Isn't it obvious? Kalinka thinks the power of the Gods are best suited for this task...right?
Kalinka: Quite simply my reasoning is this: Avi, your ego act can potential divert attention away from Drill Man; Geoff, you are a dick.
Dive Man: Glad you noticed, but I'm going to have to decline on this little shindig. I really don't want ta scrounge around fer booze when I have access ta a steady supply out here outside prison walls. Plus I gotta think of my health.
Ring Man: *While reading a newspaper* Dive, you do know studies say that most prisoners haven't found The Lord yet right?
Dive Man: What?
Ring Man: *Sipping a drink, looking uninterested* Oh yeah, it's a well known fact. If only they had some higher power to guide them, perhaps the would turn their lives around.
Dive Man: Well blow me down! These heathens haven't seen the light of God?! Isn't it sad? Well if I can redeem any of these poor souls maybe God can be merciful of what I'm about ta do ta get the two of us thrown in the slammer
Kalinka: I don't want to know about it. The less I know the better. Come John, let us help Flippy unload this data into the computer.
Pharaoh Woman: Well Dive, what sort of deed do you require of a noble like myself?
Dive Man: Ever pelt a rose garden belonging to an effeminate elderly man before?
Pharaoh Woman: Um...no? Has he earned the wrath of a disciple of Ra?
Dive Man: You say Ra, I say Yahew. Whatever.
Pharaoh Woman: Then let the smiting begin!
*Twenty minutes later*
Claude Pertwee: My petunias! Those SAVAGES massacred my petunias! Throw them away! Throw them AWAY!
Officer: Don't worry Mr. Pertwee these two won't be heard from in a long time.
Kalinka: Claude, what is going on here! Why are my assistants being teleported out of here in handcuffs?!
Pertwee: Oh Ms. Cossack, your Robot Renegades or whatever you call them aren't getting away this time! Ever since you brought these boisterous buffoons back online I've been waiting for the blue one to slip up and attack me and my flowers. It was bad enough he killed my poor Beverley years back!
Kalinka: I am so sorry Claude. I thought that his new found religious experiences would be more tame than this. Officer, what are you going to do with my Robot Masters?
Officer: Crorq has ordered that any of your creations who act out of order must be sent to the Gulag. Any complaints must be filed with him. I am sorry Ms. Cossack.
*The scene is emptied leaving only Toad Man and Kalinka*
Toad Man: I love the smell of a plan coming together!
Kalinka: So do I, but it took me over a year to regain Claude's trust after the death of his cat. I'm sad that this has disrupted the peace. But the ends justify the means.
Toad Man: Did you say beans? I'm starving.
Kalinka: No I said "means."
Toad Man: I like beans.
*We turn ourselves now to a Russian Gulag. The prisoners are dressed in identical jump suits. Dive and Pharaoh are led by guards to a middle age man with a goatee and an eye patch*
Gulag Officer: This is your new life now. You belong to the Gulag. You will work all day. Energy rations will be provided if you do your job well enough. This is Major Sebastian, he is your god now.
Major: Greetings gents. My dossier informs me you scumbags are known as Pharaoh Woman and Dive Man. You are now known as Bitch 1138 and Bitch 1139. My prison runs a tight work shift...
Dive Man: Hold it, you are the messiah?
Dive Man: The red shirt over there said you were my god. Are you Jesus Christ reincarnated?
Major:...no. If you interrupt me again I will kill you.
Dive Man: Do you have a church here? I can lead it for ya? The first Gulag Church of the Lord as run by St. Geoff the Divedick for the good Major.
Pharaoh Woman: And I shall serve you as swiftly as the god Anubis judges all who stand before you!
Major: Robots, why must I deal with robots?! If you do your job well maybe I can see what I can do. I never had Robot Masters until this week when our benefactor Croq...
Dive Man: You mean CroRq!
Pharaoh Woman: The wise!
Dive Man: The All Powerful!
Major: ENOUGH! Get these two out of my sight! Now! Throw them in the tent with that other robotic idiot. I'll have to call in Dr. Singh to deal with these three if they do not behave. MOVE!
*So the two prisoners are reunited with their conspiracy theorist companion in a tent*
Drill Man: Dive? Pharaoh? They got you too! Those bastards!
Pharaoh Woman: Drill, what were you thinking getting thrown in here! We were worried sick.
Drill Man: What?
Pharaoh Woman: I...er...DONT MAKE ME WASTE MY TIME THINKING ABOUT YOU AGAIN PLEB!
Drill Man: Better. You are getting better about your consistency with that.
Dive Man: Enough about da broad. We broke in ta get you out.
Drill Man: Why would I want to break out? This is exactly where I need to be!
Dive Man: Well former Fearless Leader, we kind of work as a team and you kinda are a vital component of said team.
Drill Man: Don't you get it? Haven't you read the signs? This place isn't working for the government, it's working for some underground company named Kобра.
Pharaoh Woman: Koopa? Like the turtles in the Mario Bros. video games?
Drill Man: No, it's Russian! I think this is a front for a terrorist organization. You see "Kобра" translated is "Cobra".
Pharaoh Woman: Cobra? Like the types that are found in the tombs of my peers!
Dive Man: No, like the old crime gang. But Drill, you forget, those guys died out years ago. They were never a real threat to anyone. They couldn't pull off something like this. I think you need a nice Russian Mallox and a stogie to put your mind at ease. Don't worry, I smuggled some in some hard stuff.
Drill Man: That's it! Dive, these are prisoners! Some of these men haven't seen contraband in years! We can use this to our advantage. We need to start a riot of some kind to get to the Major!
Pharaoh Woman: I have a brilliant idea! I will, like, compel all who come across me to join me to Dive Man's sermons! We can distribute the liquor as the...uh...wine of your Catholic faith and get everybody riled up and stuff! PRAISE RA!
Dive Man: Brilliant idea Rancid Ramses!
Pharaoh Woman: Really?!
Dive Man: Well ya just said it was a brilliant idea. I'm only repeating what you said.
Pharaoh Woman: ...oh.
Dive Man: I kid, I kid, but none of this is gonna work unless we convince One Eyed Willie that I can earn a church.
Drill Man: This works out. You can get all the proof we need by becoming one of the Major's cronies. That way we can spring out of here in no time, legally! Crazy they called me! Ha! I knew it all along!
Dive Man: Hate ta break it ta ya, but you have had a few screws loose ever since we came back online. Besides, if this is owned by Kобра or Cobra or whoever the hell ya think they are, then they really aren't hiding that well. Crorq's probably too busy eating Taco Bell to give a rat's ass about any of the crap that goes on in Russia.
Drill Man:...spoken like our true mole! Let's do this!
Dive Man: Fine, but I'm gonna need a few bottles of this fer myself. This is hard work fer a sober man.
*The next few days go like clockwork. Dive manages to bring up labor in every way imaginable while being completely plastered*
Dive Man: Come on you pissants, this isn't heavy at all! As it says in the Good Book: "All who believe in The Lord have to power to move mountains!" John 12 Seagrams 7. Hey Major Dipshit, you call this a workforce? I can do this in my sleep.
Major: You think you can do better than all my men, Mr. Dive Man?
Dive Man: Call me St. Geoff and you betcha! Watch what I can do that your little workers cant!
*Dive lets loose a bunch of missiles to destroy the work mound the workers were trying to move, killing several guards in the process*
Major: While your little stunt was impressive you killed many prisoners and guards in the process! Give me one reason why I shouldn't have your skin?!
Dive Man: Because God willed it to happen.
Major: Must you always speak about Him?! What is with you and religion?
Dive Man: Well creampuff if I had my own place of worship you wouldn't have to hear my religious drivel.
Major: Fine I am willing to grant your request, but in order to do that I need to make sure you truly are with us.
Dive Man: Sure Lone Eye Lincoln, who do you need me to kill?
Dive Man: Oh it's not killing? I assumed you'd want me to off someone. I also specialize in torture and Richard Simmons style workouts. The kids love that stuff.
Major: Christ, deCobray herself wouldn't even bring Simmons into this. But since I need to test you properly to join our little family, I would like you to kill one of your little friends.
Dive Man: You shouldn't use the Savior's name in vein, but sure! My accessorized floosy who is commanding more of your prisoners to do her work?
Pharaoh Woman: How DARE you drop this flashlight! That belongs to the Major, the only man who can hold a candle to the glory of Set!
Major: What? No that fool is harmless. I knew you would think to kill them but I know your secret. I know you came in here to break out a certain high profile prisoner here. You must kill him to prove you are loyal to me above all.
Dive Man: Aw nerts.
Major: Bring out the prisoner!
*The guards place a familiar face in front of Dive Man who looks into the eyes of his prey*
Major: Look at him. Say your final goodbye. I heard him say how he knew you and how you were going to free him. He is too stupid to be your friend. Show me your loyalty and the Church is yours.
Dive Man: Wait a minute...Don Girovega?
Don Girovga: Oh Dive Man, I know it has been years but you remembered me! Save me from these monsters! I have no power in here but on the outside I can make you rich!
Dive Man: I am rich Don Girovega. I found God. When you get there, tell the Head Honcho I'll spread the good message every damn drunken day.
Don Girovega: What?! NO!
*Dive kills the former mafia chieftain. He wipes the blood off of his face and says a "Hail Mary"*
Major: Well that was more ruthless than I was expecting. Come my boy, let me tell you about Kобра.
Dive Man: What, am I naming my church after a turtle?
Major: You will see.
*The Major leads Dive away to his own personal barracks. Drill Man and Pharaoh Woman look at the corpse left in their wake*
Pharaoh Woman: This poor soul, who was he Drill Man?
Drill Man: An old mobster who worked with the first Dr. Cossack on some shady deals. It's a shame, I had him pegged as being the mastermind behind the aglet conspiracy.
Pharaoh Woman: What's an aglet?
Drill Man: You have no idea.
*A few days later Dive Man's church is built (with only a minimum body count!) and the Cossack robots meet to prepare for the first sermon*
Dive Man: My very own church! I can't believe my life's work is complete! We deserve a drink to celebrate! Here Pharaoh, enjoy some good old fashioned scotch! It'll hide da stench of yer rotting ass!
Pharaoh Woman: ...well since you put it so, um, kindly. Oh Shezmu, goddess of the wine, thank you for getting us one step closer to escaping this godforsaken place!
Dive Man: Woah my priestess of the Nile, this is a church! If you don't wise up you can take your decomposing tin can out of here so you can stop funking up da place.
Drill Man *As the two drink*: So how much liquor do we have left?
*Dive stares blankly at the bottle*
Drill Man: There WAS more liquor right?
Dive Man: Aw shit.
Drill Man: Dive you have to be kidding me! So what is your sermon going to be like now? How can we get these prisoners to cause enough of a distraction to take over the place with our evidence?! Wait, do we even HAVE evidence?!
Dive Man: It's amazing how idiotic that Major Sebastian douche really is. He never bothered to check me fer recording devices. He kept going on about how this was one step ta raising his own army ta take over the RPD or some bullshit. Him calling Crorq a "blood belching bag of burrito barf" should get us off the hook no problem. He called up some guy called "Crystal Ball," more like "Crystal Choad," to set up the place with a hypnotic suggestive podium that will amplify my voice. That should make the masses more susceptible to my will! Truly there is no better day than today!
Drill Man: This is possibly the worst scenario ever. God help me.
Pharaoh Woman: Church!
Drill Man: Oh. Right.
*So the congregation of the masses come into the church, including the Major.*
Dive Man: My brothers, it is time ta pray. I have seen the light of God and it is good!
Prisoner: This is bullshit! Why are we being forced to come to this putrid pile of...
*Dive Man takes a cross and throws it at the prisoner, instantly maiming him*
Dive Man: God, take pity on this man's soul, as retarded as he may be. But today is a new day! Let us all drink the wine of The Lord, for it is the Blood of Christ.
Pharaoh Woman: Do you not hear the good St. Geoff?! Come up for a drink!
Prisoner 1: Hey it's the most booze we've gotten in years!
Prisoner 2: Let's get plastered!
*The prisoners all fight to get to the wine goblet. There is a riot breaking out inside!*
Major: Guards, get these prisoners under control! Everyone will cease fighting at OOF!
*The Major was beaten down by the inmates as the three robot masters simply walk outside*
Drill Man: Exactly as I planned.
Dive Man: What?! I thought ya were planning on me using the hypnotic effect ta do my bidding?
Drill Man: No, I was counting on them to go crazy for liquor the whole time. This just saved us liquor. Truly my genius knows no bounds!
Dive Man: Ya got screws loose sir.
Pharaoh Woman: So my plan was for nothing. This saddens me. *Hiccup*
Dive Man: Cheer up kid, I'll pour you another stiff one when we get out of here. Speaking of...
*Dive Man pelts the church with missiles, killing almost everyone inside. Then he blows a hole out of the Gulag and leads the way to freedom*
Dive Man: I've got tears in my eyes. Truly that was ta most glorious sight I ever beheld.
Pharaoh Woman: It's okay Dive. It's okay.
*Back at the RPD Office, Kalinka, Dive, Pharaoh, and Drill are now listening to Dive's evidence about the Major and his affiliations to Cobra*
Dive Man's Voice: So what yer saying is that yer scamming Crorq? I can get behind that! I hate that blood belching bag of burrito barf just as much as the next guy!
Major's Voice: Too true. My Commander will do just about anything to get him out of the picture.
Crorq: How DARE you say that about CRORQ THE ALL POWERFUL?! Miss Cossack, give me one good reason why I shouldn't cut your funding and send these shells back to labor duty?!
Kalinka: Well sir, these robots did uncover a plot to kill you and successfully thwarted it. We never would have known without Drill Man's hunch about the Gulag.
Drill Man: Besides, Dive Man was just working an angle to get the Major to trust him.
Dive Man: Swear ta God.
Pharaoh Woman: That means a lot from him oh wise one!
Crorq: Well...Crorq is very wise. Very well! You may go but I expect results from your field, not more of this Cobra crap! Now unless you are making a Taco Bell run, get out of my sight!
Kalinka: Very well. We will be going...
Crorq: To Taco Bell?!
Kalinka: *sigh*...to Taco Bell.
Crorq: Keep up the good work Cossack!
*So the quartet walk to Taco Bell before they teleport back to Russia*
Kalinka: Next time you even think of pulling a stunt like that I will personally make sure you scrub every toilet in the house like a helper robot.
Drill Man: But guys, we might have figured out the Gulag job but now we have to figure out the other subsidiaries that Cobra is using! That was too easy!
Kalinka: It is always too easy with you! Accept they are defeated and move on! Ugh who even eats at Taco Bell? I don't know what he likes.
Dive Man: Try a churro. Everybody likes Churros.
Pharaoh Woman: I don't.
Dive Man: Then may God damn your smelly soul. Speaking of...*bows his head* I will never swear to you and lie again. I swear ta ya.
*As the sun sets on this adventure, we shift to a mountain in the middle of an island...an island covered with snakes*
Major: So the robots blew up the Gulag and killed all my men! The drug trafficking in Russia now has lost its best cooks!
Voice: Oh silence Major Bludd. We mustn't loose sight of the bigger picture here. They now know we are back and are not playing foolish games anymore. I'm sure the RPD will write this off and underestimate us like usual. Now go see Mindbender about your arm. We will patch it up. Send McCullen to me on your way, we need to talk about our weapons shipment coming in through Walmarts across the globe. They have no idea how long my reach is.
Major Bludd: I agree Cobra Commander, our return is a glorious one. Not even the Maniacs or the Comrades cean comprehnd their failure in ignoring us these past few years.
Cobra Commander: Hail Cobra.
AM as Drill Man Sean as Dust Man Geoff as Dive Man
Jet as Bright Babe Hunter as Skull Man
John as Ring Man Avi as Pharaoh Woman Flippy as Toad Man