By Rebel40000 (Ring Man)
Narrator: Last time on Extreme Home Makeover, we met the Parrs, a family who's house was destroyed and was forced to live with another family called the Cossack's. However, Dr. Cossack, being the your everyday s.o.b., wanted them out and so now were building a house for them in seven days...
Ty: Okay, so have you guys figured out what to do yet?
Micheal: We were going to give Dash's room a pretty pony!
Ty: ...Right. What about you guys?
Paul: Well, you know Ty, I think Vi is retarded and she needs a room based on books.
Paul: You heard me.
Tracy: Why can't we all just get along...? *cries*
Pharaoh: *slaps forehead*
Ring: Can I make a suggestion?
Ty: Well, I for one happen to have an idea!
Ty: Let's have a FIESTA!!
Design Team: Woohoo!
Ty: No time! You, lightbulb chick, go round up some crazy hobos and let's party like it's 1999!
Bright: Will do fo a fiesta boy. =3 *leaves*
Kalinka: But Ty... what about the house?
Ty: Does it matter?! We have six more days! Now you be a good servant and get us some coke! Everyone else... go bug people!
Ring: FIESTA PARTY WOO YEAH!!
Drill: Ring, your attitude is not helping.
Ring: Shut up, be quiet we gotta go go go!! *Pushes Drill and the rest of the Comrades away*
Bright: Okie ma peeps I got zeh hobos now where ma taco?
Ty: *Eating a hotdog*
Dive: Hey! Where's the food? I thought this was supposed to be a fiesta!
Ty: Yeah... well I could only find this hotdog so I cooked it and ate it.
Ty: You know you guys waste time.
Dust: ......Hey, where's the rest of the Design Team?
Ty: Well that's a rather interesting question. You see, I got tired of Michael and his gay ass comments, so I took a rifle and blew his head off, and then I went a little trigger happy and killed everyone else.
Skull: ...Holy shit...
Drill: Great, just great! Now Dr. Cossack will keep on whining cause he's so frickin' lazy and he'll kick them out, and they'll be homeless!!
Dr. Cossack: I resent that remark!
Ty: Now don't worry guys, for I have a plan.
Drill: And what is that?
Ty: You'll be my design team!
Ring: ALL RIGHT!!
Everyone else: NO!!
Pharaoh: What about contractors? Can't they do your lazy work?!
Ty: More great news. You'll be my contractors!
Everyone else: SHUT UP RING!!
Ty: Cossack, make the blueprints. Everyone, get busy doing something incredibly retarded!
Toad: I don't understand. Didn't you all ready have blueprints?
Ty: Oh... but you don't understand. In order to make this show as exciting as possible, I fuck everything up, so it looks like it's really hard work!
Drill: You are evil.
Ty: Don't I know it!
*Ty leaves everyone else, who are shocked beyond belief.*
Toad: This is your entire fault Cossack.
Dive: Yeah if you weren't so selfish none of this would have happened. We would still be sleeping!
Dr. Cossack: Oh well, nothing we can really do about it, can we? You boys better start workin'! Gufawhawhaw!!
Skull: But what about the blueprints?
Dr. Cossack: Screw that! I'm off to get drunk! *Leaves*
Dust: *Eyes roll back*
Kalinka: ...I hope you guys don't expect me to help you.
Kalinka: I can't though...
Ring: Come on, we'll be your best friend.
Pharaoh: QUICK GET HER BEFORE SHE RUNS AWAY!!
Kalinka: EEEEEK!! *runs*
Dive and Dust: *Chases after*
Skull: *Grabs a pitchfork*
Bright: *Bites a hobo*
Ring: *Picks his nose*
Toad: *Slaps Ring*
Pharaoh: *Slaps Toad*
Ring: *Slaps Pharaoh*
Toad, Ring and Pharaoh: *Slaps one another*
Drill: *Sighs* Okay guys, stop.
Ring: Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck!
Narrator: Day 4... and the house was barely started. Kalinka reluctantly came back to help work, but things really didn't matter. Oh well, she was better than that one guy, who will not be mention--
Dr. Cossack: *turns the tv off* Stupid ungrateful narrator. See if you ever get another part in these epilogues.
*At Disney World*
Dash: Hey dad?
Bob: Yeah son?
Dash: Is the water supposed to yellow?
Jay: I told you I could do it! Now pay up.
Silent Bob: *Shakes head*
Jay: ...You mean to tell me you were joking about paying?! Aw man...
Dive: *To himself* This is a very delicate operation. If I don't do it right, I'll get shocked with 2,000 volts of electricity. So...
Ty: *With a loud speaker* WE ONLY HAVE THREE DAYS LEFT UNTIL THE FAMILY COMES HOME!! DO YOU HERE ME PEOPLE?!?! ONLY THREE DAYS LEFT!!!!!!! DIVE QUIT SLACKING OFF AND GET BACK TO WORK!!! NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO LOOK LIKE YOU WERE JUST SHOCKED TO DEATH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dive: Must... suppress... anger... *strangles Ty*
Ring: Oh my God! What did you do?!
Dive: That guy was pissing me off! So I strangled him.
Drill: Oh, it's hopeless. We're never getting this done. We just killed off the last of the design team!
Dust: Not really. That one guy, Preston I think, left before the killing spree.
Drill: ...So? He was an ass and called us retarded.
Bright: Feed yo inna dew! >:O
Dust: And you question that?
Narrator: The last three days sped by quickly. Before they knew it the Parr's were due to come back within the hour. Yep, boys and girls, they were screwed. All thanks to a fat lazy Russian man who probably devoted his life to Stalin and--
Dr. Cossack: *Shoots the narrator*
*Back in the Mother Land*
Pharaoh: Ugh... man, am I wasted...
Skull: Yeah you big bully, serves you right trying to steal my lunch money.
Pharaoh: Correction: I DID steal your lunch money.
Drill: Oh god... she's coming... both her and her family are coming... They're going to be so disappointed with us...
Ring: *Chugs a Coke down* Well I don't know about you, but I am high on Coke.
Dive: Don't even try and act like Ty, you suck up.
Ring: I am no suck up! Someone has got to take his place though! And that person will have to be me, since I am the only one here who can act like him! LEEEEEEEEEET'S DOOOOOOO IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!! *Whistles*
*Suddenly an army of construction workers appear out of nowhere. They all have red shirts and yellow hats on.*
Bright: Oh wow joo friggen amazin boy. =3
Drill: Do those shirts represent communism, Ring?
Ring: Like Hell they do. Just take a look! The deep red color... the golden yellow, well-polished hats... They're supposed to symbolize me!
Everyone: *Falls down*
Ring: Okay, now you guys get working, or I'll be forced to jump off an airplane with no parachute and remain perfectly harmless!
Ring Workers: Sir, yes, sir!
*The workers start building right away. With the initial pipe network and cables all ready done, the house was built it a matter of minutes. They then started on the lawn, and put grass, trees, bushes, and shrubs in their respective places. After finishing, they stood before the Comrades in a line.*
Drill: *Whispers* I'm a little intimidated...
Everyone: *Nods in agreement*
Ring: All right, good job men! Now it's time we got some furniture into that house! Can we do it?!
Ring Workers: Sir, yes, sir!
Ring: I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!
Ring Workers: SIR! YES! SIR!
Ring: Get in there and make it fancy!
*Again, the workers let the furniture fly as bookshelves; tables and beds were thrown into their respective places. Not a thing was forgotten, from the refrigerator to a small spoon. The men went back outside, slightly tired.*
Toad: ...Um, wow Ring. Nice job. *Claps*
Skull: *Nods in agreement and claps*
Ring: That was horrible!
Ring: You heard me! They finished in five minutes flat! Five minutes flat!! Next time it better be four minutes and fifty-nine seconds, or I'll have your heads!
Ring Workers: Sir, yes, sir! *Disappears*
Drill: *Wide eyed* Where'd they go?
Drill: Okay... So, the house is finished. What now?
Dust: We wait?
Skull: Why when the limo is right over there?
*Everyone falls down*
Dive: How long have you guys been there?
Helen: Long enough.
Bob: So thanks for the house and all...
Ring: HEY!! Something is not right here. You people are supposed to be insanely shocked!
Helen: We would have, but the stunt you pulled ruined it.
Dr. Cossack: Well, I guess now you'll be living here?
Kalinka: Father! When did you get here?
Dr. Cossack: What are you talking about, Kalinka? I worked on the blueprints for the house design!
Comrades: ...Come again?
Dr. Cossack: Yes, I did all of it! ALL OF IT!! Now get in your damn house and leave us alone! *Pushes the Parr's in their and slams the door shut*
Kalinka: Father... *Grabs a rifle and loads it*
Dr. Cossack: *Runs*
Dive: Okay, so, you realize that we went through two epilogues and nothing real major happened?
Toad: What'dya mean?! Building a house isn't something major?
Dust: I think he means--
Pharaoh: There weren't any heads to crack open!
Mail Man: Don't worry, Cossack scum! For I, Mail Man, am here to bring you letters... FROM YOUR PARENTS!! Mwahahahahah! *Gets attacked by a rabid Bright Babe* AAHHH GET HER OFF GET HER OFF!!! *Steps on a landmine* GOD DAMNIT!!!!
Bright: *Runs off with the Mail Man's bag of letters*
Preston: And that's why you don't act like a dumbass 24/7.
Jay: Nice, but are you gonna buy some damn joints or what?
Preston: Okay, okay. But only because that Silent Bob guy isn't dumb.
Silent Bob: *Beams*
Preston: Don't let it get to your head, fag.
Silent Bob: :O