Cossack's Comrades

Cossack's Comrades Alpha Season 2 Epilogue 16
Kalinka and the Chocolate Factory

It was a new day in the Citadel…

Cossack: Bah! Goddamn narrator! Always talking when I watch my tv! Oh!

Kalinka: Shh! Father, listen.

Kent Brockman: Todays top story, chocolate legend Willy Wonka is now hosting a contest. According to him, he has placed 5 golden tickets into 5 Wonka bars. Start searching, because this is a world wide game!

Ring: Chocolate factory? Mmmm.

BB: Aw no taco X_X.

Dive: *Gone*

Ring: Here we go. Now everyone is going to buy this chocolate.

Dust:: Probably the best marketing ploy since the Star Wars Holiday Special.

*Soon the entire community rushes out to find the mysterious golden tickets, and guess who finds one first…*

Ben: Ha! Of course I get the first golden ticket.

Augustus: But sir, that was mine. I won it.

Ben: *Licks lips.* God I love fat kids. *Eats him* BRAAAAPPPPP!

Kalinka: Rats! There are only 4 left. Father, may I please buy a candy bar!

Cossack: Not till your twelve.

Kalinka: I’m thirteen.

Cossack: Go to your room.

*Number two and three were found by…*

Gary: Yeah! Come on Britt! I’m taking you!

Britt: Yay Gary!

Shadowblade: I wonder if I can take Murray along?

*Number four is also taken by…Wily*

Wily: Yes! With his chocolate, I can control the world!

Bass: God damn you.

*Finally it is revealed that Gauntlet won the last one.*

Gauntlet: Yes!

Kalinka:See father! This is your fault! Damn you.

Cossack: Aw here’s some money. Buy one of those chocolate bars.

Kalinka: ITS TOO LATE! *Leaves* I cannot stand him.

*A chocolate store*

Kalinka: One please. Thanks.

*She walks by a TV screen*

Tom Tucker: That’s right Diane. IT was a fake. Gauntlet made a counterfeit. The bastard. Now back to Olie with the weather. Olie?

Olie: It gon’ rain!

Tom: Thanks Olie.

Kalinka: So there is one more out there! Maybe…oh hells yeah! I got the last golden ticket! How original.

*So she rushes back home and excitedly shows the ticket to her father*

Cossack: I thought Gauntlet won. My dear! You started down the family business! Oh good job!

Kalinka: *Hits Cossack* You dolt he made a hologram.

Cossack: Well it says to bring one or two parents to the factory tomorrow. Where is the factory?

Kalinka: England.

Cossack: God I hate you.

*The big day. Gary brought Britt, Wily brought Bass, Shadowblade brought Murray, Kalinka brought Cossack, and Ben brought Gauntlet*

Gary: DO you honestly think Wonka will let Gauntlet in? He tried to forge a ticket!

Gauntlet: It’s what I do. Besides if he doesn’t Ben will eat him.

Ben: All right. I’ll eat him, but only after I get my food!

Voice: Please enter the gates. Who am I you ask? I am…

*Suddenly many puppets come out and start to sing*

Puppets: Willy Wonka, Willy Wonka! The amazing chocolatier! Wil…

Kalinka: DIE! *Shoots all the puppets heads off*

Man: Wow! That was better then expected!

Britt: Who are you?

Willy Wonka: I’m…

Wily: Michael Jackson!

Ben: Where there’s Jackson, there are little boys! Show me the food!

Willy Wonka: No. I’m Willy Wonka. Come on into the factory.

*Inside the factory*

Wonka: Now lets see…we have a dragon, an Eskimo, 2 scientists, a little girl, 2…things, and a ninja. Wait…aren’t you the guy who made the forgery?

Gauntlet: That’s…a secret!

Wonka: Interesting. Well come on in to the chocolate field!

Gauntlet: Ben, Gauntlet, Shadowblade, and Gary: FOOD!

Britt: Hey Wonka, what is that orange thing?

Wonka: That my friend is an Oompa Loompa. He comes fro…

*Ben eats the stray Oompa Loompa*

Wonka: No! Bad! No eating the Oompa Loompas!

Gauntlet: Ha!

Ben: Oh yeah! Sorry man, chocolate won’t satisfy my taste! I’m eating you!

*Ben goes for Wonka, but falls into the chocolate river*

Wonka: Oops…turn on the disposal.

Kalinka: WHAT?!

*Soon you hear swipes and slashes*

Oompa Loompas: *Singing* Oompa Loompa Doopity Do.

I got a perplexing puzzle for you.

Oompa Loompa Doopity De.

If you are wise you will listen to me.

Eating kids is evil and bad. It makes schools empty and pedophiles sad.

Soon you will die a terrible death. Eating kids in your last breath.

How seemingly appropriate.

Oompa Loompa Doopity Da.

If you eat kids then you won’t go far.

Else you live in happiness too, like the Oompa Loompa Doopity Do!

Doopity Do!

Gauntlet: Wow. So you tried to kill him. Big deal. He’s been through worse.

*Cell Phone rings*

Gauntlet: Hello?


Erik: *Over the phone* Oh the OC is on.

Ben: *On Phone* Oh tell Gary to watch the OC when he gets home…Hehehe.

Wonka: Er…lets be off! To the inventing room!

Gary: But I like the field. I want to stay.

Wonka:But we have to go.

Gary: But I want the chocolate!

Wonka: Here! Take a damn Wonka bar! Come on people!

*The Inventing Room*

Wonka: And here we have many machines that have many different items of candy! For example, this one makes teeth fall out. Here, give this to Ben. Maybe it will make him wiser.

Murray: *Eats it*

Shadowblade: No! Mr. Wonka what will happen?

Wonka: They will regrow, in time.

Steve Irwin: Crikey! That blasted gator has no teeth. I’m gonna take ‘im back and rassel him. *Takes Murray*

Shadowblade: NO! *Runs after them*

Oompa Loompas: Oompa Loompa Doopity Do.

I got another puzzle for you.

Oompa Loompa Doopity De.

If you are wise you will listen to me.

Having a gator is terribly vile. He’ll kill all your friends and make enemies smile.

Irwin will do what is right of course. Just like what glue is to a horse.

Very Very Messy.

Oompa Loompa Doopity Da.

If you're Steve Irwin you will go far.

He is very famous too, like the Oompa Loompa Doopity Do!

And Operah too!

Bass: So I take it they are Steve Irwin fans.

Wonka: Yep.

Kalinka: That song made no sense.

*The Joke Room*

Gary: JOKES!

Bass: Here we go…

Britt: Gary, watch out. This factory is very weird.

Wonka: Yes it is. Cool huh? Now here we have all kinds of joke candy, such as exploding candy and punching gum. And then there is the ultimate prank. The candy wrapper!

Gary: Sir, I am the greatest prankster ever. That is not the ultimate prank. Here, I’ll pull it.

Wonka: DON’T!

*He pulls it and it sets him on fire*

Gary: AH!

Britt: GARY!

Bevis: FIRE!

Wily: Genius!

Kalinka: You're selling that to children?!

Wonka: It’s still not right. The arrows didn’t come flying. Oompa Loompa, take him to the water room and extinguish him. Take Miss Britt as well.

Oompa Loompas: Oompa Loompa Doopity Do.

I got another puzzle for you.

Oompa Loompa Doopity De.

If you are wise you will listen to me.

Playing jokes on victims is fun. Though over do it and you’ll be shot by a gun.

Being that cruel is vile and wrong. Joking and Joking all day long

Take a look at Dave Chapelle.

Oompa Loompa Doopity Da.

If you are jokeless you will go far.

You can still be funny too, like the Oompa Loompa Doopity Do!

Doopity Do!

Wonka: Hmm only two contestants left. Come on, lets go to the Robot Room.

Wily: Yes! My kind of room!

*Robot Room*

Wonka: As you can see, the robots fold the wrappers on the chocolate, as well as add any ingredients I have forgotten. Which, I might add is very uncommon.

Wily: Bass! NOW!

Bass: Do I have to? I mean can’t we just enjoy the tour without one of your crazy schemes?

Wily: SCREW YOU! Now Wonka, I’m taking over this factory and reprogramming your robots to put mind controlling chocolate out there, so I may control them.

Oompa Loompa: Oompa Loompa how very fun, see you Wily, I shoot you with this gun!


Bass: I had nothing to do with this. Here, I’ll take him home. But first…I’ll stay for the song. 3:2:1…

Oompa Loompas: Oompa Loompa Doopity Do.

I got another puzzle for you.

Oompa Loompa Doopity De.

If you are wise you will listen to me.

Being evil is a federal crime. You mess up once and Bush’ll rip out your spine.

Just when you think crime is good and well, justice will send you down to hell

Say hello to Bob Saget.

Oompa Loompa Doopity Da.

When your in hell you wont go far.

You can never go to heaven true, like the Oompa Loompa Doopity Do!

Doopity Do!

Wonka: Marvelous. Well, who is left? Only Kalinka! My dear, you won!

Kalinka: Won what?

Wonka: My factory! That was the point. Now you run this place. All I need you to do is swear your life to Satan.

Kalinka: Okay….WHAT?!

Cossack: You’re a Satanist?

Wonka: Of course! How do you think I get my chocolate so good? For Christ’s sake, look at the Oompa Loompas! They are friggin orange!

Oompa Loompas: Oompa Loompa Join us in prayer.

All we ask is that you make one swear.

We want you to bow to our god!

Satan is ours, do you find that so very odd?

Get used to it babe!

Cossack: Kalinka, there is only one way to deal with devil worshiping candy makers.

*Grabs shotgun and starts shooting everyone in sight*

Wonka: No!

Oompa Loompa: Oompa Loompa doopity dat, you should really not have not done that!

Cossack: *Shoots their brains out*

Wonka: Please. Don’t.


Ben: Oh Wooonkaaa…

Wonka: NO!

Ben: *Eats him whole!*

Kalinka: Will this never end?

Cossack: Come on dear, lets go for some ice cream.

Kalinka: Yay!


Cossack's Comrades

AM as
Drill Man
Sean as
Dust Man
Geoff as
Dive Man
  Keba as
Bright Babe
Err as
Skull Man
Rebel40000 as
Ring Man
Sergal as
Pharaoh Man
Zapper as
Toad Girl


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