Cossack's Comrades

Cossack's Comrades Alpha Season 3 Epilogue 5
The Legend of Ring Man

Narrator: Oh what a beautiful morning~, oh what a beautiful day~, I have a beautiful feeling--

Cossack: *Holding his head* That everything has gone astray.

Pharaoh: What's with you, doctor?

Cossack: Ugh, remind me to never chug a bottle of Nyquil after taking an entire bottle of Tylenol.

Dive: What the heck is wrong with you?

Cossack: I live with you worthless dolts. How else am I supposed to react?

Toad: That's okay we still love you!

Cossack: Get the hell away from me.

Drill: *Eating* Sheesh, you guys are so noisy.

Dust: I'll say. Don't you know that when you are eating at the table you should show proper etiquette by not talking while chewing your food?

Narrator: Everyone pauses and looks at Sean. They then turn their gaze onto Keba, who was still shoving a taco down her throat.

Bright: Whut?

Kalinka: You know, I've just realized that Rebel is absent from the table today.

Cossack: Another worthless dolt! All he does is run around screaming stupid things, drink Coca-Cola, and blow up my inventions with his mere presence!

Toad: Nothing wrong with that!

Cossack: Yes there is!

Skull: How so?

Cossack: Like... uh... *thinks* ...It just is!

Skull: Me thinks you are simply delusional from all of the crap you have been drinking, injecting, and inhaling as of late.

Cossack: Don't forget about snorting.

Skull: Ah, yes. And snorting. Lots and lots of snorting.

Cossack: Thank yo--WAIT. *bangs head on the table*

Drill: Not like this conversation isn't reeking of intelligence, I am wondering where Rebel is.

Narrator: As if on cue, Rebel slowly came downstairs, his eyes scrunched up, making him look like he had just woken up and the sun was too bright.

Everyone (except Cossack): Morning, Rebel!

Ring: Morning.

Bright: What wrong with joo, boy?

Ring: Nothing.

Narrator: And so the Comrade's continue to have breakfast. Afterward...

Dive: Hey Rebel, AM doesn't want to play any video games, so how about it?

Ring: No thank you.

Dive: ...Say, are you all right? You've been looking like that ever since you came downstairs.

Ring: What do you mean?

Pharaoh: He means you have a really strange look on your face and it is starting weird us all out.

Dust: Seriously, if anything is wrong just tell us.

Toad: This is true!

Ring: Oh, well... I have a reason.

Dive: Oh?

Ring: Yes... I have decided to practice in the ancient art of kung-fu.

Pharaoh: ...What?

Ring: Do not question the kung-fu! *karate chops Jade's arm off*

Pharaoh: HOLY sh**!! MY ARM!! HE KARATE CHOPPED MY FREAKING ARM OFF!! *falls to the floor screaming in pain*

Dive: Wow.

Dust: Amazing.

Toad: NICE!!

Narrator: The other Comrades eventually came in to see what was up.

Drill: Jade? What the heck happened here?

Pharaoh: *Flailing about* MY ARM!! KUNG-FU!! REBEL!! PAIN!!

Drill: Say no more. *to Rebel* What did you do?

Ring: I showed him my kung-fu skills.

Drill: You don't take kung-fu.

Ring: Says who?

Drill: Says the guy who drives you everywhere.

Ring: Touché.

Skull: That must have been a powerful blow to take off your arm with one chop. And to attack an ally like that with no warning... *rubs his chin*

Bright: Joo better not be doin' no wrongin'!

Skull: You wound me. Do I honestly look like I would backstab the very people who took me in?

Dive: Actually...

Dust: Yeah, you do.

Skull: Damn. Oh well.

Drill: In all seriousness, let's find out the reasoning behind this. Let's go, guys!

Narrator: Thus the Comrades set off on a quest to find why Rebel is acting so strangely... They go to many places...

Mr. Incredible: Nope, none of our super villains have been messing with you guys.

Narrator: And more places...

Dr. Wily: I haven't had time to bother you suckers! I've been at war with my lunatic robots for a week now and I--*hair gets caught on fire*--WATER!! I NEED WATER!!

Narrator: And other places...

King Met: What? Rebel? Is he that guy with the rubber ducky?

Narrator: To even stranger places...

Magna Centipede: I'd punch him in the face and hand him a bunch of ninja gear! SCREW KARATE!!

Narrator: Possibly even similar places...

Dr. Wily: WHERE THE HECK IS THAT WATER?!

Narrator: They finally head back home...

Drill: Man, I'm beat.

Toad: This is very true!

Pharaoh: *Has his arm duct taped on* Even after all that looking around we still didn't find any clues...

Skull: I say we follow that Magna Centipede guy's advice and punch him in the face. Several times. With a knife.

Bright: Violence ain't teh answer, boy!

Dive: Most we can do now is let the doctor check him.

Drill: Sounds good to me.

Narrator: And so the Comrades take Rebel to Cossack...

Drill: Doctor, can you check up on Rebel for us?

Cossack: What's this, all of a sudden?

Dive: He's been acting weird.

Dust: Really weird.

Toad: I think he's even crazier than I am right now!

Cossack: All right, all right. I'll see what can I do. Just bring him in here and wait downstairs in the living room.

Narrator: Zymeth and Jade lead Rebel to Cossack's lab and leave him there with Cossack.

Cossack: Okaaaaay. So what's the problem, Rebel?

Ring: =.=

Cossack: Um... hello?

Ring: =.=

Cossack: What in the world are you doing?

Ring: Making kung-fu face. =.=

Cossack: Why...?

Ring: Makes me look like kung-fu man. =.=

Cossack: I see... So, why are you so into kung-fu all of a sudden?

Ring: ME MAKE MORE SERIOUS KUNG-FU FACE OKAY?

Cossack: Uh, right...

Ring: ==============.==============

Cossack: *sweat drops*

Ring: Me make sensei proud.

Cossack: You aren't making any sense, Rebel.

Ring: WHO YO SENSEI?!

Cossack: What did you just say to me?!

Ring: HIYAAAAAAAAH!!! *karate chops*

Cossack: EEEK!! *dodges*

Narrator: Rebel starts to karate chop all of Cossack's equipment and machines, until they all explode, leaving a giant hole on the side of the citadel! Everyone in the building races to the scene...

Kalinka: What happened here? Father?!

Cossack: Oh what a beautiful morning... what a beautiful day... I have a beautiful feeling...

Narrator: *Sigh* That everything has gone astray.

Drill: My god, Rebel! What the heck is wrong with you?

Pharaoh: Yeah man! Stop with the kung-fu!

Skull: Even this goes beyond my standards. How detestable.

Ring: Stop... kung-fu?

Everyone: Yes!

Ring: ...EVIL!! *starts karate chopping everyone present*

Everyone: AAHHHHHHH!!!

Narrator: The next day...

Toad: *covering a large box with tape* Tape is fun!

Drill: *covered in tape* Yeah. Sure. Whatever.

Dust: Do you think we are making the right choice?

Cossack: He attacked everyone and destroyed everything. He has got to go!

Kalinka: I agree. We don't know what has got into him... but that karate chop movement... I must learn it as well! *karate chops Cossack into oblivion*

Cossack: Ow! Hey! Stop! What did I do?! *runs away*

Toad: *Gets up* All done!!

Pharaoh: All right, then I'll send him to the post office.

Dive: Let's say goodbye to our old comrade! *salutes*

Narrator: Everyone else salutes as Jade takes Rebel's packaged form to the post office. When he comes back, he is by himself.

Pharaoh: Whew... well, it's done.

Skull: So he's gone?

Pharaoh: Yep.

Narrator: The Comrades suddenly realize how quiet it is without Rebel.

Bright: It quiet.

Dive: Yeah...

Drill: You know, I think I--

Cossack: DAMNIT KALINKA STOP HITTING ME!!

Kalinka: HOW DARE YOU YELL AT YOUR DAUGHTER!! *continues karate chopping*

Drill: ...Nope, nevermind.

Dive: AM! I challenge you to a game of Madden 4624!

Drill: You're on!

Narrator: And so life continued for the Comrades. Elsewhere, however...

DING DONG

Crash: *Opens the door* Yeeeees?

UPS Man: Package for one Dr. Wily!

Crash: I'll take it for him.

UPS Man: Sure thing, just sign on the dotted line. *hands him a pen and clipboard*

Crash: *Takes them and signs it* There.

UPS Man: Thank you! *leaves*

Crash: *Looks at the package* Hmm... wonder what's in it?

Narrator: Darksage takes the package and carries it into the Wily's Warrior's living room, where the other members are lounging.

Metal: Oooh, a package! Is it for me? What's in it? Is it for me? What's in it? Is it for me? What's in it? Is it for me? What's in--

Heat: *Punches Naoshi, killing him*

Narrator: As Mr. Whiz comes in to carry off Naoshi, the rest of the members are deciding what to do with it.

Quick: I say we open it.

Bubble: But isn't it for Wily?

Quick: So?

Wood: We should follow orders and wait for Wily to open it.

Quick: Or... we could open it now and save him the trouble of opening it himself later.

Flash: Ooh, good idea! *starts to pull on the tape* I hope there's something good inside, like a Totodile!

Heat: *Knocks Cyros out of the way* Shut the hell up you moron. I'll open it. *sets the box on fire*

Air: Hey uh... do you think that was really a good idea?

Heat: Do you want to meet my foot?

Air: *Shuts up*

Heat: C'mon! Burn! Then we can see what crap Wily buys so we can maim him with it!

Quick: Hey, I think I see something!

Ring: IT HOT I KUNG-FU YOU!!

Everyone: Wha?

Ring: HIYAAAAAAH!! *leaps out of the fire and kicks Heat in the face, then uses it as a springboard to bounce off him and cling onto the ceiling fan*

Wood: It's a bird!

Bubble: It's a plane!

Quick: No, it's--

Heat: DEAD MEAT!!!

Narrator: Ben starts jumping up and down in vain to catch Rebel who was holding on for dear life.

Ring: Hah! Short man too-too short to reach! Kung-fu prevail!!

Heat: Grrr... I'M GONNA KILL YOU!! *runs out of the room and comes back with a machine gun*

Warriors: AHH!! *runs out*

Metal: *Enters* Ahh, I feel much better. Hey guys, what's going on? *gets shot by Ben and dies*

Heat: *Laughing maniacally as the clip runs out of ammo* How was that?!

Ring: Your silly weapon has no effect on me! *drops multiple bullets out of his hands*

Heat: ...No way.

Air: *Peeks into the room* Is anyone dead in here?

Heat: Naoshi is.

Air: Oh thank God!

Narrator: As Mr. Whiz comes by again to pick Naoshi up, Wily eventually enters to see what is going on.

Dr. Wily: Interesting. So, you are telling me that the Comrades packaged Rebel in a box and shipped him here?

Crash: Yeah, that's about right.

Dr. Wily: Obviously it was an attempt by that fool Cossack to sabotage me! Well, it looks like he failed. Mwahahahah.

Ballade: What should we do, Dr. Wily?

Bass: Hey, that's my line!

Ballade: Not in a CC epilogue, it isn't!

Quick: *coughs* Suck ups.

Bass and Ballade: What did you say?!

Quick: Eh? What're you talking about?

Dr. Wily: Quiet! I am thinking... yes... I've got it!

Wood: Alzheimer's?

Dr. Wily: Shut up. Tomorrow... war!! *laughs*

Narrator: The next day the Comrade's are seen outside in a big grassy field. AM is holding a letter, reading it.

Drill: "Come wait for us in the big grassy field. We will be waiting with the golden tacos. Signed, Wily's Warriors." *looks at Keba* Just how did you get us to go with this ridiculous plan?

Bright: Nevah question teh tacos!

Dive: Quiet guys, I think I see someone coming.

Quick: *Runs up to Jade* Hey, I've got a present for you! *hands him a bomb and runs off*

Pharaoh: This can't be good for me. *explodes*

Drill: Crap--It's a trap!

Skull: All right, then let's kill them all!

Narrator: As Zymeth said those words both the Comrades and the Warriors started duking it out. Neither side shows any sign of stopping and halfway through things started to heat up.

Bubble: *Panting* Man... these guys are... good...

Air: *to Wood* What do you think our chances are?

Wood: Well, Naoshi has died four times since this fight started, but they only have seven guys, so we are even.

Skull: What are you guys whispering about?

Metal: About how your momma is sooooooo fat, she--*is stabbed by Zymeth's scythe and dies*

Skull: Never use such a redundant joke EVER again. Do you comprehend that?

Heat: ROAR VIOLENCE BLOODSHED MURDER DEATH DESTRUCTION!!

Dive: Them's fightin' words! *readies a missile*

Quick: Wait! Can't we like, work this out or something?

Pharaoh: You set us up the bomb.

Toad: And how!!

Narrator: The Comrades slowly started to advance toward the Warriors, who's confidence and morale was slowly starting to deteriorate.

Dr. Wily: Stop!

Comrades: Huh?

Dr. Wily: That's right! Now that you have all been good little boys and girls and fought for a while, I am going to finish you Comrades off once and for all!

Drill: And just how are you going to do that?

Dr. Wily: Thought you would never ask! Come on out, Rebel!

Ring: Hey all.

Pharaoh: Rebel?!

Toad: And how!!

Skull: You backstabber! Although I must admit that was rather evil of you...

Drill: Rebel, why are you helping Wily?

Ring: ME PRACTICE MORE KUNG-FU GOGO!! *karate chops AM*

Drill: Ow. *hits him back*

Ring: *Hits back*

Drill: *Hits back*

Heat: *Joins in and hits AM*

Drill: *Hits Rebel*

Ring: *Hits Ben*

Heat: *Hits AM*

Drill: *Hits Rebel*

Ring: *Hits Ben*

Heat: *Hits AM*

Drill: *Hits Rebel*

Ring: *Hits Ben*

Heat: *Hits AM*

Drill: *Hits Rebel*

Ring: *Hits Ben*

Heat: *Sets them both on fire*

Ring and Drill: HOT!! *starts running around sporadically*

Toad: Wee!! *mimics them*

Dr. Wily: This is pathetic.

Dive: You started it.

Bright: Boy, you best start repentin'!

Dr. Wily: Or not. Get them, Warriors!

Narrator: The Warriors turn the tables by slowly advancing on the remaining Comrades.

Crash: Hope you all don't take this personally.

Air: We'll be sure to make good use of your parts, though.

Flash: I'm gonna make me some Steel-type Pokémon!

Everyone: Shut up about Pokémon!

Drill: *Uses the stop, drop and roll method to put himself out* Wait, Rebel! Why are we doing this? We need to save our friends!

Ring: *Put himself out using a kung-fu technique* Save... friends?

Drill: Yeah! Have you really lost that much?

Ring: Lost... much?

Drill: I mean, sheesh... all this for some silly old kung-fu? You would let your friends die because of it?

Ring: ...

Drill: Well?

Ring: ...You were the guys that put me in the box and sent me to Dr. Wily.

Drill: *Smacks Rebel* Don't question your leader.

Ring: Sorry.

Drill: Now get out there and kick some Wily butt!

Ring: SIR!! *runs over to Wily* Hi.

Dr. Wily: Oh, you're back. Good, then you can help the Warriors destroy your friends. Heheheh... of the all the humiliation for that Cossack to face... having his own robot assist in such an act!

Ring: So, uh...

Dr. Wily: What? What is it?

Ring: ME NO KUNG-FU AND I GO BOOM SHAKALAKA!! *karate chops Wily's saucer, causing it to explode*

Dr. Wily: EEEEK!! SOMEONE SAVE ME!!

Metal: *Runs onto the scene* Uh-oh! Dr. Wily is in trouble! RETREAT!!

Narrator: The Warriors quickly run away leaving the Comrades behind... and Dr. Wily.

Dr. Wily: Gah! You idiots aren't supposed to run unless I say so! Wait for me!! *chases after them*

Dive: And that is a wrap.

Drill: Let's go back home, guys.

Dust: With Rebel as well?

Drill: Yeah, why not? He saved our lives. He deserves it.

Ring: YAY!!

Bright: I smellz a taco party!

Narrator: And so the Comrades all left the battlefield, hand-in-hand, as they all sang a happy song.

Ring: Happy song? ME NO LIKEY!! *karate chops*

Narrator: *Screams as he is K.O.'d*

The End

Cossack's Comrades

AM as
Drill Man
Sean as
Dust Man
Geoff as
Dive Man
  Keba as
Bright Babe
Zymeth as
Skull Man
 
Rebel40000 as
Ring Man
Jade as
Pharaoh Man
Zapper as
Toad Girl

Affiliates

Blyka's Door
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MM BN Chrono X
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