By Jade (Pharaoh Man)
Last time on Cossack's Comrades, Jay and Silent Bob finally broke the camel's back and got themselves thrown out of the citadel. After failed attempts to crash with the other teams, they decided to ask Dr. Wily to help them get back to Leonardo, New Jersey, which he agreed to do in exchange for a bag of weed. He manages to transport them back to Leonardo, but when they arrive, they rind Randal with a shocking revelation...
RANDAL: Dante is dead.
RANDAL: Don't act like you didn't know about it. Dante was killed the night of Jody Dreyer's funeral.
JAY: Y'mean the night Caitlin Bree screwed that dead guy? Oh yeah, that was freakin' hilarious! Nootch!
RANDAL: Shut the hell up, junkie. After I left and Dante stayed to close the store, some guy came in and shot him dead. Then helped himself to the cash register and a few packs of smokes. I thought you two stoners did it to feed your drug habit, but the store camera caught the whole thing on tape so they caught the guy who did it.
JAY: Well thanks a lot. Me and Silent Bob are a lot of things but we ain't murderers.
RANDAL: Whatever. Hey, let this customer in (Customer steps up to the counter). Hi. Can I help you?
CUSTOMER: Uh, just a pack of cigarettes.
RANDAL: Here you go. Have a nice day.
Jay and Bob steal a glance at each other; Randal is NEVER this courteous to the Quick Stop customers.
RANDAL: Now would you two idiots mind taking a hike? The last thing this place needs is your brand of riff-raff.
So Jay and Bob leave the Quick Stop and are standing outside. Looking through the window, they see Randal diligently go around stocking the shelves.
JAY: Something is NOT right around here, Lunchbox. I don't remember Dante getting capped the night Caitlin did the dead guy. And what the hell's up with Randal? He's actually WORKING at the store, and he's not within an arm's reach of any porn.
SILENT BOB: (shrugs)
JAY: Ah well. We'll think of that sh** later. Let's get to dealin'.
So they hang out in front of the Quick Stop all set to sell their wares. They're only standing there for a couple of minutes when Randal comes out of the store.
RANDAL: Oh no, stoners. You're not dealing in front of the store. I'm putting my foot down this time. Get the hell out of here, or I'm calling the cops.
JAY: Aw, come on!! Where the hell are me and Tubby supposed to go?
RANDAL: I don't know, and I don't care! Get lost and stay there!
JAY: C'mon, man. What about all we've done for you, huh?
RANDAL: You haven't done jack squat around here except attract low-lifes such as yourself and the piece of sh** who killed Dante!
JAY: There you go again, blaming US for what happened. Well screw you man. We wouldn't hang around your sorry ass if you paid us! C'mon, Silent Bob. Lets get the hell out of this frickin' gyp joint.
So they leave the Quick Stop, not sure where to go next. Meanwhile...
PHARAOH: (Relaxing in a lawn chair on the Citadel's back patio) Ah, it feels great without those stoner punks around.
DUST: (Putting charcoal bricks on a grill) I know. It's finally quiet around here for once. Hey Pharaoh, a little help here?
Jade shoots a Pharaoh Shot into the grill to light it.
DUST: There we go. Let's get these doggies cookin'!
KALINKA: I tell you, we're better off without those two. They were rude, vulgar, and completely unsophisticated.
DR COSSACK: I think it's terrible! I... I think I'm actually... SOBER!!!
BRIGHT: You sure?
SKULL: Cossack sober? I doubt that somehow.
KALINKA: Daddy, I think that's wonderful. Without those awful drugs, you'll have a chance to make a fresh start!
DR COSSACK: Daughter!!
PHARAOH: Ugh, someone get me a barf bag.
Back in Leonardo, Jay and Silent Bob continue their quest.
JAY: Jesus effin' Christ, we get thrown out of Ruskie Land, we get thrown out of Quick Stop... There's only one person I know who can help us now.
They go to the warden's office at the New Jersey State Penitentiary.
WARDEN: Um. What can I do for you two?
JAY: Yeah, we're lookin' for Justice.
WARDEN: Heh. So do we all. Why do you think I became a warden?
JAY: No, you dumb ape. (Warden's eyes narrow) She's the hot chick you sons of bitches have locked up here.
WARDEN: Son, I have no clue what you're talking about. But I'll try to look up her file. (He goes to the computer) You said her name was... Justice?
JAY: You got a hearing problem, grandpa? Yeah, that's what the hell I said.
WARDEN: Ah, yes, here we go...
WARDEN: Lessee, part of some international ring of jewel thieves... Was wanted on many counts of grand larceny... died about a year ago during some heist in Argentina.
JAY: Yeah, that's her... Wait, back up... DIED?!?!
WARDEN: That's what it says here.
SILENT BOB: (shakes his head)
JAY: That... that can't be right...
Later, Jay and Bob are back on the streets of Leonardo.
JAY: What is going on, Lunchbox?! What the god damn f*** is going on here?!?!
SILENT BOB: (gazes downward thoughtfully)
JAY: Alright. I have one last ace in the hole.
They head down to the comic book shop, Brodie's Secret Stash.
JAY: Brodie, my man. You're our last hope, man. A lost of crazy sh**'s been going down lately.
BRODIE: You're telling me. You guys must be kicking yourselves in the asses right now huh?
SILENT BOB: ???
JAY: About what?
BRODIE: (Gets out a magazine article and shoves it in Jay's face) Check this out.
JAY: (Reading) "'Bluntman and Chronic: The Movie' Sweeps Academy Awards. After setting an astronomical box office record, outselling all six episodes of Star Wars combined, 'Bluntman and Chronic' took the Oscars by storm, winning every major category, including 'Best Picture'. Miramax Productions has already announced a sequel to what is sure to be the biggest franchise in the history of mankind." What the hell, I thought that movie was supposed to be a lousy piece of crap?
SILENT BOB: (nods)
BRODIE: Au contraire, that movie has gone nowhere but up. Banky, I'd imagine, is the richest man in the world right now.
JAY: Dude! Finally, something gone right for us! Imagine, Silent Bob, no more standing in front of stores selling dope! From now on, it's you and me in a fat palatial Hollywood estate. C'mon, let's go see Banky and collect our paycheck!
BRODIE: Yeah, but...
Too late, they're already out the door.
JAY: Man, I can't believe this. Dante is dead, Justice is dead, Randal is a brown-nosed workaholic, and you and I are millionaires. How long were we with those Commies anyhow? Couldn't have been that long, right?
SILENT BOB: Isn't it obvious?
JAY: What now?
SILENT BOB: Dr. Wily opened a dimensional portal to get us here, right? Isn't it possible that instead of the Leonardo, New Jersey that we came from, we were instead sent to a twisted alternate Leonardo, New Jersey?
JAY: Dude! Just like in Back to the Future 2! Only this time, there's a light at the end of the tunnel for us! Once we see Banky, it's nothing but the high life for us, man. Swimming pools and movie stars, here we come!!
To be concluded...