Cossack's Comrades

Cossack's Comrades Alpha Season 4 Epilogue 8
Diveman vs the Deceptidrunks

Narrator: In the newly rebuilt Citadel, people stir…

Toad: Hmm, this armor looks nice.

Drill: I honestly couldn’t think of any person to take her place Reg,

Toad: I appreciate that. So, what is our plan for today?

Dust: Well I was hoping we could do some tests on our Transmetal bodies…

Dive: Screw tat’. I’m getting’ hammered.

Dust: Dive, all you do is drink and sleep. That will get you nowhere in life.

Dive: I take offense to tat’. I also attack the cat!


Pharaoh: Perhaps we should just relax today. We finally have a roof over our heads. Plus, it is best that we calm down after that horrible tragedy.

Drill: Speaking of tragedies…what are we going to do about a Skullman? We run out of these guys faster then the Enterprise and Red Shirts. And I really liked the last one.

Bright: Maybe we could get someone a little more cheery.

Skull: Hello?

Dive: *Takes a Swig* Nah. It’s not Rainbowman. It’s Skullman. Dumb bimbo. He needs ta be dark.

Skull: I am dark. What are you fools doing?

Drill: We can discuss this later. However, I have planned a trip for us!

Dust: Really? Where?

Drill: You will see. To the Cossack Mobile!

Ring: Oi! That’s my line.

Skull: If you won't acknowledge me then I won't come.

Narrator: And so the Comrades drive to a little building.

Drill: Alright, Dive this is the place. Let’s go in.

Dive: What kind of a strip club is this?

Bright: Strip Club?!

Drill: I never mentioned a strip club Dive…

Man: Hi, you must be the Joan Cusec’s Comrades. Come on in.

Ring: What?

Man: Mr. Diveman, welcome. I am Bill Nye. Do you know why you are here?

Dive: Hell yes! I came for the strippers!

Bill: Er…no. Welcome to your first AA meeting!

Dive: WHAT?! Bossman, I am shamed!

Drill: You have a problem man. I mean, I really can’t think of a way that you drinking would help us.

Narrator: Meanwhile in the Decepticon’s Underwater Base…

Megatron: Starscream, you idiot! You caused failure once again!

Rumble: Yeah!

Frenzy: You suck!

Starscream: How dare you! I am he who will be king! My time will come Megatron! Just wait and see!

Soundwave: Megatron superior. Starscream inferior.

Megatron: Heh yes Soundwave. It is time we make another attack on these “Robot Masters.” They will fall!

Starscream: But what about Prime! We should strike him now!

Megatron: IMBECILE! Prime is not important now! Frenzy.

Frenzy: Yes Lord Megatron.

Megatron: I…wait…I thought you were red.

Frenzy: Nope, I’ve always been blue.

Megatron: Oh. I want you to look up where these fools are.

Frenzy: Sure bossman. Nemesis 1, scan for designation Drillman.

Nemesis 1: Acknowledged. Subject located. AA Center. Moscow.

Megatron: Excellent! Decepticons, attack!

Narrator: Unaware of their imminent attack, the Comrades watch as Diveman participates in the AA meeting.

Bill: So Diveman, do you think you have a problem?

Dive: No. Are you retarded?

Bill: This is getting us nowhere!

Toad: You must admit, this is quite amusing.

Dust: Do you honestly think this is going to work?

Drill: Honestly? No. I figured it would be good for a laugh. We need some of those.

Bill: Beer kills. Your body can’t take too much of it.

Dive: Body? I’M A ROBOT!

Bill: Gah! Drinking will not do anything for you! There will never be a time that it will help you!

Narator: Suddenly, the Decepticons burst in!


Dive: Pussy.

Megatron: You eluded our grasp once, you cannot escape again!

Dive: Eh, big whoop. You don’ scare me. I could kick your ass.

Starscream: Hah! What’s the matter Megatron? Are you gonna let him do that?

Megatron: SILENCE STARSCREAM! Really now? I can defeat you in anything. Name your preference of death.

Dive: Drinkin contest. You. Me. Now.

Megatron: Very well! Bring me Energon! Ah, thank you Rumble.

Soundwave: Lord Megatron, that is Frenzy.

Megatron: Primus why do you guys keep switching colors?

Rumble: I dunno.

Bright: Go Dive!

Ring: I must commend you Drill, this is turning out to be most fun.

Drill: Agreed. Give that man a bottle of Vodka!

Dive: Give me Vodka, Maalox, Brandy, I don’t care! Lets get it going!

Narrator: And the drinking contest begins!

Megatron: You puny fleshling creation! You cannot win!

Dive: Say tat’ ta me after five bottles!

Starscream: Fall Mighty Megatron!

*Thirty Seven Bottles/ Cubes Later*

Dive: Heh heh. You know what? *Hic* You are a beautiful Decepticon.

Megatron: Nah! You shoulda seen me at my peak! Without this crappy earth disguise, I was a god!

Soundwave: Megatron prevails!

Pharaoh: Don’t count on it. This isn’t over.

*Twenty more bottles/ cubes later*

Megatron: If I were a flower growing wild and free all I’d want is you to be my sweet honey bee!

Dive: And if I were a tree growin tall an’ green all I’’d want is you ta shade me and me my leaves.

Megatron: Aw! That is…that iss…ugh.

*Megatron collapses*

Starscream: YES! He has fallen! I am the new Leader of the Decepticons!

Soundwave: Negative. He still functions.

Rumble: But he lost his pride.

Skywarp: We will return you robot rejects! Astrotrain, get us out of here! And get some Chaser!

Narrator: And so the Decepticons leave, and our heroes journey back home.

Drill: I’m sorry Dive. I guess we learned that your drinking is the best thing for us.

Dive: Damn straight bossman! Now get me home so I can take a nap on tat’ little cat!

Drill: Well then...hmm I'm getting a call. Hello?

Skull: Where have you all been? It's been hours.

Drill: Who is this?

Skull: Hunter. Your Skullman.

Drill: Oh I guess Cossack must have gotten us a Skull while we were gone.

Skull: ...I hate you all.

Narrator: And they drive into the sunset, ending yet another epilogue. And as for Bill? Well…

Bill: I quit! Give me beer, or give me death.

Hard: Hey am I late for the AA meeting?

Bill: GAH!!!!!

Cossack's Comrades

AM as
Drill Man
Sean as
Dust Man
Geoff as
Dive Man
  Jet as
Bright Babe
Hunter as
Skull Man
John as
Ring Man
Jade as
Pharaoh Man
Regulus as
Toad Man


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