By Jade (Pharaoh Man)
Dive: Hey Green Ranger, what’cha watchin’?
Toad: Hush, Maury’s on.
Dive: The hell? What’s that guy got on that’s so interesting?
Maury: So we have here seven kids with some serious family issues. You there, Larry right? Care to tell us what the problem is?
Larry: Yeah. We used to have it pretty good for awhile. See, our dad’s goes over to the nearby kingdom to kidnap their princess, see?
Maury: … Kidnap?
Larry: Sorta. She’s really into that S&M stuff. So Dad “kidnaps” her, takes her to his place to have his way with her.
Iggy: Then he tells us to keep her fat boyfriend from finding them together.
Maury: Boyfriend, huh?
Wendy: We don’t really know. Just that he always comes to get her whenever he takes her.
Morton: So the fat guy beats the crap out of us, just so Dad and that chick can carry on the façade.
Lemmy: But it wasn’t so bad, really. Dad was at least nice enough to give us our own castles to stay in, and our own airships.
Roy: Until Junior came along.
Ludwig: Yeah, Junior immediately became Dad’s favorite. After having him, he doesn’t even give us the time of day.
Larry: He’s forgotten us!
Iggy: And let me tell you, he isn’t near as effective as we were. Hell, after Junior screwed it up, the fat guy went on to catch them in the hot tub together. I’ll bet Mom had a hard time explaining that one.
Maury: Your mom?
Morton: Duh! Considering how much those two do it on a regular basis. I haven’t seen another Ms. Koopa around, have you Lemmy?
Wendy: Dad blurted it to Junior one time, but immediately took it back.
Roy: He was really stoned, I think.
*Suddenly, Kalinka calls out for Pharaohman.
Kalinka: Jade, could you be a dear and go to the store for me? I’m in the middle of making dinner and I can’t afford to leave right now.
Dr. Cossack: Damn straight. You’d better be fixing my dinner.
Kalinka: Well it’s just gonna have to wait until Pharaoh comes back with the ingredients I need.
Dr. Cossack: Hmph.
Pharaoh: Don’t worry, Kalinka. I’ll be back with it soon.
Jay: Yo! Get some smokes n’ some beers for me n’ Lunchbox while you’re at it!
About an hour later, Jade exits the store when suddenly a young woman in a red oriental-style dress runs past, knocking into Pharaoh in the process, knocking over his bag.
Girl: Excuse me... (continues running)
Pharaoh: (Picks up the bag) Jeez. Some people are in such a hurry.
Then he notices two rather burly men, run past, appearing to be chasing after the girl who just ran into him.
Pharaoh: Now those two give off a bad vibe. I have a bad feeling about this…
The woman runs through a zig-zagging series of alleyways trying to shake her pursuers. But it appears that they know the layout better than she does. She turns a corner to run right into one of the thugs, who immediately grabs her and shoves her against the wall.
Thug: Thought you could get away from us, huh missy?
Girl: What is it you want from me?
Thug #2: Don’t play dumb. You already know what we want. Now where’s that money you promised us?
Girl: I… I don’t have it yet…! Just give me a little more time!
Thug: Oh? Well, I think that’s just gonna cost ya, honey… (grabs her clothing) Now, what d’ya got for a down payment under here…?
Before he can proceed, he feels the cold touch of a steel blade on his shoulder.
Pharaoh: If you know what’s good for you, you’ll leave that lady alone. Now.
Thug #2: (Brandishes a gun) Butt out, asshole! This don’t concern you!!
He fires, but the bullet bounces harmlessly off Jade’s Eye of Horus.
Pharaoh: It does now.
In one fluid motion, he brings his sword around, bashing the gun-toting hood square in the jaw with its hilt. He then points the blade at the other assailant’s throat.
Pharaoh: Now then. Before I was so rudely interrupted, you were just about to leave, right?
Thug: Shit… A Cossack?! They didn’t say anything about this… (backs away, along with his cohort) A… Alright… Just take it easy…
The two hoods run off.
Girl: Thank you, sir.
Pharaoh: Don’t mention it. I thought something was up the way those two were chasing you.
Rubia: You can call me Rubia.
Pharaoh: Well, I’m Pharaohman of Cossack’s Comrades; but friends can call me Jade.
Rubia: Oh! I thought I recognized you! Maybe you can help me!
Pharaoh: What is it?
Rubia: Well, you see, my father owes a lot of money to a local gang, two of which you just saw. He has the money stored in his office, but he was badly injured by some of those thugs and can’t retrieve it. I went to collect it for him, and you see what happened next.
Pharaoh: I see. So you want me to go get it for you?
Rubia: Yes, please. Unless of course you’re too busy.
Pharaoh: I’m never too busy to help a woman in need. Where’s your dad’s office located?
Rubia: Thank you so much! Come with me.
A few minutes later, they’re standing in front of a large office building. A sign in front reads “Jascorp Inc.”
Rubia: Come with me, I know of a secret path up.
Pharaoh: This is your Dad’s building, right? Can’t we just go straight to his office?
Rubia: Look (points to a pair of guards at the entrance). They don’t work for my father; they’re some of the gang’s hired goons. They’re determined to hurt our family at any cost… I don’t think they even care about the money.
Pharaoh: What gang is this? This isn’t Don Girovega is it?
Rubia: Um… Yeah, I think I heard that name mentioned by one of these thugs…
Pharaoh: (To himself, narrowing his eyes) So much for honor among thieves… I’m gonna have to really give it to that guy one of these days…
Rubia: What is it?
Pharaoh: Nothing. Let’s go.
They head up a little-traveled stairway thanks to the directions of the lady in red. They exit into a hallway and peer around the corner into a large room. Inside is a large steel safe, guarded by a huge burly man covered in scars.
Pharaoh: Another one of Girovega’s goons, right? I’ll take care of him…
Rubia: I’ll be rooting for you!
Jade leaps out in front of the large man.
Pharaoh: Alright muscle-head, are you gonna let me in that safe or am I gonna have to add a few more scars to that collection of yours?
Zangief: Hahaha! You want to fight ME, little man? I warn you, I used to wrestle bears as a hobby!
Pharaoh: That right? I’ve met fellows who have done that and more.
Zangief: Shut up and fight!
The Russian behemoth charges him. His fist makes contact with Jade’s Eye of Horus. Surprisingly, his immensely powerful punch isn’t completely absorbed by the shield, and Jade is sent flying back into the wall.
Pharaoh: Wow. This guy can punch. I’d hate to see what that could’ve done if I didn’t have that shield up.
Zangief: I’m gonna snap you in two!
He charges the Egyptian Comrade, but is blown back by a Pharaoh Shot.
Pharaoh: You may be big and strong, but you’re gonna need more than muscle to beat me. (Puts his hand out) All light, fall into darkness… Blind!
A shroud of shadows envelopes the mighty warrior.
Zangief: Huh…? Hey! Where’d you go? I’m not done grinding you to a pulp yet!
Suddenly, he feels a powerful blow to the back of his head in the form of Jade’s sword. He falls over in a heap. Rubia now walks in.
Rubia: Is he dead?
Pharaoh: Nah, I used the broad side of my sword. He’ll be fine… ish.
Getting a spark of inspiration, Jade takes out a flask of vodka he had on him. He pours most of it down the throat of the unconscious lug. The rest he pours in a puddle around his face before placing the flask in his hand.
Rubia: Heh. Nice.
Pharaoh: That takes care of him. Now let’s crack this open.
Jade’s Pharaoh Beam is able to melt through the thick steel of the safe, creating a hole large enough to walk through. They enter the safe to find it lined with glittering gems. Pharaohman is awestruck.
Pharaoh: Wow. This is a nice collection of jewels your dad has.
Rubia: I know. He only deals with the best.
She fills up two briefcases with the precious stones and they slip out and back downstairs. They quickly exit the building before another guard discovers them.
Rubia: Thank you so much for all of your help. I can now give these to my father and we can finally be rid of those terrible hoodlums!
Pharaoh: You’re welcome, m’lady. But are you sure you’ll be okay on your own now?
Rubia: I am. Don’t worry though, I’m sure our paths will cross again some day. Until then!
With that, she disappears with the bags.
Pharaoh: Well, at least I got to do a good deed. But now I have to finish Kalinka’s shopping. Man, she’s gonna be mad for being so late!
Zangief: (Comes to) Urrhh… My head… Where’d that little…?
He looks up to see a man in a classy business suit and three police officers in the room. The man in the suit is glaring angrily at him.
Business Man: Mr. Zangeif… We got broken into. You were supposed to be guarding this safe, but we found you passed out in a drunken stupor. Care to explain yourself?
Zangief: Huh? (Finds himself holding a flask) Uh… Wait! There was a guy here… had a King Tut mask or somethin’! He’s behind this!
Business Man: Is that the best you can come up with? We hired you because you assured us you’ve been clean for years. You are hereby terminated, Mr Zangeif. You are dismissed.
Business Man: Now!
Meanwhile, Rubia enters another building on the other side of Moscow. She takes the elevator to an office on the top floor. There, she is greeted by a man in a dark blue suit with a matching cape and hat with a wide brim.
Lazul: You have it then?
Rubia: I sure do, Lazul. You were right. That Pharaohman is too easy to manipulate; play the part of the damsel in distress and he does whatever you want!
Lazul: Hahahaha… That’s excellent. (He opens the briefcases) Ah, these jewels are magnificent. These are worth millions that we stole from Jascorp. And now no one suspects us, correct?
Rubia: That’s right. But I must say that was a pretty good move on Mr. Jade’s part; otherwise, I imagine the Comrades would be the prime suspects.
Suddenly, two other figures walk in. It’s the two hoods from before.
Lazul: Ah, gentlemen. You played your part quite well. That fool played right into your hands, I understand. I take it you’re here to collect your pay?
Thug: Just one second, Lazul. You said nothing about us facing any Cossack. He could’ve turned us into meatloaf!
Lazul: I highly doubt it. He’s not the type to kill needlessly.
Thug: Yeah well, regardless, we decided we want triple what you offered us!
Thug #2: Yeah, triple! Or else we’re tellin’ the Don all about your little scheme?
Lazul: Triple, you say?
He glares for a moment, and then relaxes.
Lazul: Very well then. Rubia, please give these gentlemen their just reward.
Rubia: (Is now holding an ornate umbrella) As you wish.
She casually walks up to the two. Suddenly, in the blink of an eye, she pulls out a thin katana stored inside the umbrella and decapitates one of the thugs in a swift, almost undetectable motion.
Thug #2: (Gapes as his cohort’s headless body slumps to the ground) Shit…! Oh shit oh shit…
He starts to run out the door, when he runs face first into another man in the door. He’s a muscular man, dressed in a white jacket and black jeans. He wears a pair of Diamond-studded gloves on his hands.
Rubia: Hi Diam! You want to kill this one?
Diam : (Smiles) I thought you’d never ask.
The thug pulls his gun out and fires several bullets at the large man, all of them bouncing harmlessly off him. He notices that underneath the jacket is a suit of thick titanium armor. Diam reaches out and grabs the man’s hand. The hood screams in agony as he crushes his hand, gun still in it, until both are a mangled, twisted heap. A Diamond-reinforced punch to his chest shatters his ribcage and ends his life.
Lazul: *sighs* Thank you both. Only now we have to clean up this mess. Diam, I’m glad you’re here. (Picks up one of the briefcases) Take this over to Dr. Yang, would you? Tell him to consider it an advance for his next project, provided it’s better than those ‘zippers’, or whatever the hell he called those failures.
Diam: Gotcha, boss.
He takes the bag and leaves.
Lazul: I think we may have use for the Comrades again down the road, Rubia. And this time, I’d very much like to meet my “counterpart” myself.
To be continued…