By Jade (Pharaoh Man)
The Flying Fortress, home of the Armored Assassins, and the temporary home of Cossack’s Comrades, until they get their Citadel rebuilt, anyway. Blizzardman walks into the kitchen to find Ringman rummaging through the fridge.
BLIZZARD: … Looking for something, Rebel?
Ring: Dude, you’re out of Coke.
BLIZZARD: I’m not out. None of us drink any Coke.
Ring: WHAT?! Is this how you treat guests?! I feel faint… (collapses to the floor) No Coke… I can’t go on… Need Coke.
Zedfelos walks in.
WIND: What’s with this guy?
BLIZZARD: Search me. Needs his caffeine fix, I suppose. Could you get him out of here? I just cleaned up in here.
So, Windman drags Ring out into the living room, where Drill, Pharaoh, Jay, and Silent Bob are watching TV.
WIND: Hey guys. There’s something wrong with your buddy here.
Ring: Coke… Need Coke…
Jay: Dude, no prob. We’ll hook you up. Hey Lunchbox you still got that block o’ Columbian on ya?
Silent Bob searches his coat.
Drill: Not that coke, you dolt. The kind you drink.
Jay: Hey, we got that shit too. Silent Bob?
Bob rummages through his coat again.
Pharaoh: Never mind, I’ll take him to the store. Hey wait, how about you guys fly us into town?
WIND: This is a mobile base, not a taxi service!
Pharaoh: Well alright. You got an air car?
Yamato and Dive walk in.
YAMATO: The hell we need one of those for? We have a mobile base!
Ring: Coke… Gimme Coke…
Dive: (kicks Rebel) Shut up Bogey. You’re jus’ gonna have t’ suck it up awhile. Hey Fanboy, where’s Snowcone keep the Russian Maalox?
Regulus comes in now.
BLIZZARD: Oh no, Dive. You’re not drinking us out of house and home. The booze is locked up.
Dive: You bastard! I’ll tear this whole damn place apart ‘til I find it!!
Drill: No, you won’t, Dive. Just be thankful the Assassins are letting us stay here until we get the Citadel rebuilt.
BLIZZARD: Speaking of which… How long do you think it’ll take, Drill?
Drill: Who can say? You know as well as any of us that Cossack has little money left after the war, and a new Citadel won’t be cheap.
Now Brightbabe come in holding her cat Autumn.
Dive: Autumn!! Come here, kitty!!
AUTUMN: (Hisses and runs away.)
Dive: Get back here!! (chases the cat)
Bright: Nooo!! Leave her alone! (chases Dive)
Pharaoh: Freakin’ sub bastard… (chases Dive also)
Ring: … Bring me Coke dammit…!!
Jay: Dude, where d’you keep your porn?
Regulus, Zedfelos, and Enigma bury their heads in their hands simultaneously.
BLIZZARD: Please AM… Please get a new place built soon…
Drill: Hey uh… you think you could loan us the cash…?
Jay: Hey, Drill-guy, I know how you can get the money.
Drill: No Jay, we’re not gonna all go out and sell drugs.
Jay: Hell no, see me and Silent Bob got connections.
Drill: Oh? What kind of connections?
Jay: Well, while we’ve been out dealin’, we’ve gotten to know the boys in the Russian mafia. Y’know, those dudes straight outta Godfather and shit.
Silent Bob: What he’s trying to say is that Don Girovega, the head of the mafia might be able to loan you the money. We’ve done him a few… favors in the past.
Drill: I dunno about dealing with any mafia, Jay.
Jay: Well, I gotta ‘nother idea. We got three chicks in our group, right? You can always get them to sell themse…
Blizzard grabs Jay by the throat.
BLIZZARD: What’s that, stoner? Don’t think I heard you; let me get my hearing aid. (gets out a rocket launcher and points it in Jay’s face) Okay, say that again?
Jay strains to look around and sees the others glaring at him.
Jay: (Can’t speak well when he’s being choked) Gaak…! I was kidding, okay…?! Jesus you guys are a tough crowd…
Blizz not-so-gently puts Jay down.
Drill: Okay, we’ll go see this Don guy. But you don’t talk, understand?
Jay: Gotcha, chief.
A short time later, the Comrades are walking to Don Girovega’s office, per Jay’s directions. Luckily, they found a Coke machine along the way, which meant they no longer had to take turns dragging Rebel behind them.
Ring: Ahhhhh… Sweet nectar of the gods… How I’ve missed you so…
Toad: So where is this Don’s place, anyway?
Pharaoh: Haven’t you ever seen a gangster movie? It’s always a bar, a casino, or a strip club.
Dust: He’s the head of the Russian underworld, so he’s obviously not gonna have his name up on a big flashing neon sign.
Drill: There’s the place.
They look and see… “Don Girovega’s Pizza and Pasta”… on a big, flashing, neon sign…
Dust: Good gravy…
The Comrades enter the restaurant, and are immediately greeted by a lanky fellow in a green pinstripe suit.
LUIGI: Hey, youse guys. Never seen none o’ you in here before. What can I uh… do for youse?
Drill: Um, we’re Cossack’s Comrades. We’d like to speak with your boss, Don Girovega.
The racketeer raises an eyebrow.
LUIGI: An’ how do you know the Don?
Pharaoh: Um… the name is right up there on that sign outside.
LUIGI: Dammit… We really need to change that sign. (Turns towards the back of the restaurant) ‘Ey Mario!
Out walks a shorter fellow in a red pinstripe suit.
LUIGI: ‘Dis group o’ weirdoes wanna see the Don. Whadda we gonna do? Should we grease ‘em now?
MARIO: Not yet. Let’s go see what ‘da boss wants to do with ‘em.
(Suddenly, he notices Jay and Bob.)
MARIO: Hey you two.
Jay: Whassup, yo.
MARIO: You got the stuff?
Jay: Hell yeah, the finest ‘shrooms money can buy. Fifteen bucks, little man, put that shit in my hand.
LUIGI: You take gold coins?
Jay: Shit yeah, Silent Bob here would even take your cock up his ass, ain’t that right?
Silent Bob: *shakes his head in disgust*
MARIO: Uh… we’ll just stick with the coins…
Jay: Whatever. Your loss.
After their little transaction is made…
MARIO: Okay. You guys go on and have a seat. We’ll be back shortly.
And so, the Comrades take a seat. A waiter approaches their table.
WAITER: Hello there. Can I get you anything?
Drill: Yeah, bring us an extra large supreme.
Dive: And a bottle of the best Russian Maalox you got!
Ring: Coke, and keep it coming.
Bright: Um… I’ll just have a glass of iced tea.
Dive: Frikkin pansy…
WAITER: And how will you be paying for all of this?
Dive: Got it covered (produces a credit card).
Ring: Who’s crazy enough to give Dive credit?!
WAITER: Thank you Mister… “Napalmman”… (walks off)
Pharaoh: So why don’t we just use that to charge us a new Citadel?
Dive: No dice; the guy’s a cheap bastard; only has a 1000 zenny limit.
(a few minutes later, a man at a nearby table with his family calls the waiter over)
WAITER: Yes, sir?
MAN: If I may, I’d like to be seated elsewhere, away from those… people. (motions to the CC)
WAITER: Have they been disturbing you?
MAN: Well no; but I find them quite vulgar, especially the lanky person with the long hair and his rotund friend in the trenchcoat. Them and the blue submarine fellow have been using filthy language and derogatory remarks almost constantly.
WAITER: I see. I’ll see if I can locate another table for you. (leaves)
Diveman, seated closest to the family, heard the conversation, so he scoots over next to the guy.
Dive: Hey. How much for the women?
MAN: Excuse me?
Dive: Your women. I want to buy your women.
Jay: ‘Specially that hot slut over there! (points to the man’s wife) She is smokin’!!
Silent Bob: (nods enthusiastically)
Pharaoh: (kicks Dive into the wall) Will you quit being a moron?
Dive: (pulls himself out) Okay Tut, you asked for it, and now you’re gonna get it. (opens his chest hatch and readies a pair of Dive Missiles)
Pharaoh: (calls his Eye of Horus in one hand and gathers a Pharaoh Shot in another) Don’t sing it, bring it!
Drill: Will you two stop it right now?!! We’re in a goddamn restaurant!!
Ring had been rooting the two of them on while Dust, Bright, and Toad are just covering their faces and shaking their heads, in a “don’t look at me” fashion. Nonetheless, Dive sits back down and things calm down somewhat. The two racketeers are returning anyway.
LUIGI: Sorry sirs. The Don doesn’t wish to see you.
Drill: Just for a little while?
MARIO: No. The Don is very busy right now. I don’t think that will be possible.
Dive: (Turns to the family behind him again) How much for the little girl?
MAN: You sick freak. Are you some sort of pedophile?
Dive: Naw, I just like to piss ya off by askin' ya if you're selling. *Grabs his tie* How much for this?
MAN: Get off of me! I'm not selling anything.
Dive: *Whispering to Dust* Bastard's creatin' artificial demand.
Jay: (Yells out) Yo!! What’s it gonna take to get some hot bitches up in this joint?!!
Ring: We’re gonna be seeing the Don whether you like it or not, buddy.
Pharaoh: How’s this; if you don’t take us to see the Don… (he motions to Dive, Jay, and Bob) These three will come here for breakfast, lunch, and dinner every day of the week.
Dive lets out an earth-shattering belch.
MARIO: *sigh* Okay… you win…We’ll take you up to see the Don.
Jay: Snootch to the nootch!!
The two escort the Comrades upstairs to the office of Don Girovega.
DON GIROVEGA: Ah, welcome. You are Dr. Cossack’s goons, eh?
The Don is sitting behind an extravagant, well-polished desk, a white fluffy cat sitting on his lap.
Bright: What a cute kitty!
Toad: Awwww… ^^
Dive: Heehee. Here, kitty!
Diveman runs at the cat, who screeches and runs out of the room, Dive right on its tail.
DON GIROVEGA: …
DON GIROVEGA: I take it you came to do more than just harass my cat?
Drill: Yes, we have as a matter of fact. Pay no mind to Geoff; recent events have made him a little… coo-coo.
DON GIROVEGA: Very well. I’m a busy man, so get to it.
Drill: Well, it’s like this, you’re aware of the big war against the Scissor Army, right? Well, we lost our Citadel during the war, and now we want to rebuild it. But we’re short on funds, and we’re in bad need of a loan.
DON GIROVEGA: So, you want me to front youse the cash, eh? And why th’ hell should I? What do I get out of this little transaction?
Pharaoh: Our gratitude?
Dust: We’ll be your best friend?
Toad: That warm, fuzzy feeling you get when you do a good deed?
Ring: I know kung-fu.
Drill: For the last time, no you don’t!!
Jay: I got some weed ‘f ya want, bro.
DON GIROVEGA: (Glares at Jay and Silent Bob) I thought I told youse mugs never to show your faces around me again. Whateva’. Th’ answer’s no.
Drill: Man, Regulus ain’t gonna be happy to hear this…
The Don’s eyes widen.
DON GIROVEGA: Did youse say Regulus? Youse mugs know The Blue Fox?
Drill raises an eyebrow. That seemed to get his attention.
Drill: Yeah, that’s right. You’d better hear us out or he’s not gonna be happy. Zap?
On cue, Toadgal puts on her best sad face, with tears gushing from big puppy-dog eyes.
Toad: Please help us, sir… I don’t know what we’ll do without that money… *sob*
Pharaoh: Oh dear, it seems you made her cry. If “The Blue Fox” hears about this, you can pretty much kiss your ass goodbye.
DON GIROVEGA: (Puts his hands up) A’ right, a’ right. Maybe we can talk this thing over some more…
Dive cames back in with a furry white pelt. He puts it around Jet’s shoulders.
Dive: I made you a shawl.
DON GIROVEGA: …
Bright: (Hugs the fluffy shawl) Nooo!! Poor kitty!!
Pharaoh: Well, I guess we can say goodbye to that plan. Thanks, Dive…
Dust: (Turns to the Don) We’re… uh… really sorry about that…
DON GIROVEGA: Fogeddaboudit.
He opens his drawer and takes another cat out.
Dust: … The hell…?
Pharaoh: How many cats does he have in that desk?
Dive: Only one way to find out…!!
Drill: Dive, no!!
DON GIROVEGA: Si’ down, submarine. Now youse guys listen and listen good. I’ll front youse the cash, but you have to do somethin’ for me.
Ring: Uh oh. What do you want us to do? Whack a guy? Off a guy? Whack off a guy?
DON GIROVEGA: No. I have a different task for youse all. See my nephew is coming into town and I’d like you to… take care of him.
Bright: (Buries her eyes in her hands) Oh no… You want us to shoot him twice in the head, don’t you??
DON GIROVEGA: That’s sweet of you to ask, but no. See, my nephew is a little… shall we say… obnoxious. I’d like youse guys to look after him for a little while.
Ring: So you want us to babysit some bratty kid? Well in that case, you’d better just whack us off right now.
Drill: Settle down Ring. If this is all we have to do to get the money, than I’d say it’s a pretty fair trade.
DON GIROVEGA: Wonderful! I’ll be sending him over to your place around 8:00 this evening.
Pharaoh: Say, if you don’t mind my asking… This is supposed to be the Russian Mafia, right? So why the hell do you and your gang talk in a Sicilian accent? And set up shop in an Italian food place?
DON GIROVEGA: What? Ain’t you never seen Goodfellas? All mobsters act like that.
Pharaoh: Um… Okay… My fault for asking.
And so, that evening:
YAMATO: He’s coming here?! Gee, don’t we get a say in all this?!
Dive: Shu’up, Samurai Jack. He’s just some loser kid, not a friggin’ SA officer.
Drill: Besides, if this goes well, we’ll get to rebuild the citadel and be out of your hair that much sooner.
FLAME: My question is… How’s he gonna get up here? We’re in a flying fortress remember?
The doorbell rings.
FLAME: Good grief…
A moment later, Blizzard comes in with a short, pudgy kid.
BLIZZARD: Here he is, guys. Just remember, he’s your responsibility, not ours.
BLIZZARD: Except Zapper. Let’s go leave them with their new friend.
With that, the Assassins (and Toadgal) clear out, leaving the Comrades with their guest.
LOUIE: Hi, I’m Louie. The Don’s nephew. So whadda youse bums do for fun around here?
Dive: You mean besides beating the crap outta’ fat little punks like you?
LOUIE: My uncle told me about you, Mr. Submarine.
DR. COSSACK: Great, just what I need… Just like Kalinka when she was younger. You kids’ll get along great.
Kalinka: What’s that supposed to mean??
LOUIE: Hey, yeah! I’m with the scruffy-looking drunk…!
DR. COSSACK: Who’s ‘scruffy-looking’?
LOUIE: (Puts his arm around Kalinka) I know a few things we can do tonight, babe…
Dust: Bad move…
Kalinka: (Pulls out her shotgun and points it in Louie’s face) Get your greasy hands off me before you lose ‘em.
Drill: This is already off to a great start. Can we go the rest of the evening without threats of bodily harm?
Ring: Maybe Kalinka should join the Don’s gang.
Kalinka: You say something, Rebel?
Ring: No, ma’am.
Pharaoh: Dive, he seems just your type. Why don’t you hang out with him?
Dive: Hell no. I can’t stand those frikkin’ mafia. All their BS about “family” makes me sick.
Bright: (Looks hurt) Isn’t that what we are?
Dive: No. (Takes a hit from his flask) You’re my flunkies.
Pharaoh: Riiiight… Anyway, let’s just get Jay and Bob to look after them. This whole thing was THEIR suggestion after all.
Ring: Sounds like a plan to me.
Dust: Are we sure we want to leave the kid in the care of those two stoners?
Jay: (walks in with Silent Bob) Whuddup, mo-fo’s. We can’t babysit no fat lil’ punkass tonight. We’s goin’ out to party, get stoned, and hopefully get laid!
Silent Bob: (nods)
DR COSSACK: Sweet deal. When’re we leaving?
Kalinka: YOU’RE not going anywhere!
DR COSSACK: I am so. You’re not the boss of me.
Kalinka: Oh no?
Chases Cossack out, firing her shotgun after him.
Pharaoh: Anyway, you two better help us. You got us into this whole mess; you’d better get us out.
Silent Bob: …
Jay: … RUN AWAY!
He and Silent Bob run off
LOUIE: You’re boring me. You won’t like me when I’m bored.
Bright: (smiles) Well, okay. What do you want to do, Louie?
LOUIE: (sneers) How about you and me in a game of naked drunken Twister? Your room or mine?
Bright: (jumps back) Eeep!
Pharaoh: Not this crap again… Can I incinerate him yet?
LOUIE: I’d like to see you try.
Drill: No one’s incinerating anyone.
Dust: Can we keep some sense of order her, guys.
LOUIE: Yeah, or else I’ll tell my uncle on you.
Ring: Can it; you’re not helping.
Dive: How about the Wii?
Dust: Leave the kid to be babysat by a video game console; brilliant move Dive,
Dive: If he does anything wrong I got Jack Thompson on speed dial. No worries.
Bright: Except the kid’s whole family is a bunch of gangsters…
Drill: Enough! Let’s just pick something and have a pleasant evening, alright?
Ring: Hey, we got the Star Wars saga on DVD. How about we put those in.
LOUIE: Pfft. Star Wars sucks ass.
Drill: (eyes twitch) What… did… you… say…?!
The next morning, at the Don’s estate:
DON GIROVEGA: (wakes up) No… don’t go, Tony Soprano… Let’s be together forever… (sits up and sighs) I had that dream again… Huh? What’s this?
He sees an odd shaped lump on the end of the bed. Lifting the covers, he finds Louie’s decapitated head.
DON GIROVEGA: GAAAAHHHH!! What… What have those bastards done?! I… I… love those mugs!! I couldn’t have done a better job myself! Hahahaha!!