By Anime Master (Drill Man)
BATMAN THE MUSICAL?! SHED NO MORE TEARS DRILLMAN?!
Narrator: It is an average day at the Citadel. Our favorite team is enjoying yet another peaceful afternoon.
Dive: It's eleven in da mornin', ya know what dat means kiddies?
Toad:... oh come on Dive, not now...
Dive: Guess Kermit, or I'll pelt ya with missiles.
Toad: Hmm... does it involve a beverage that you enjoy?
Dive: Dat it does my amphibious friend! Come on boys, let's get hammered!
Drill: Would you two keep it a bit down? I want to finish the complete works of Vonnegut before the end of the day. It's getting a bit distracting...
Dive (Obviously drunk): Aw don't be a buzz kill old friend. Live a little! I'm gonna go over here now!
*Ring leaves the room and walks toward the bathroom.*
Dive *From inside bathroom*: Hey I just threw up blue!
Pharaoh: Did you really need to announce that Dive?
Dive: Nope, but yer welcome. I mean, with Rebel gone, what else are we gonna do?
Drill: I can't say I'm happy to say this, but damn it he's right. Rebel's departure leaves a distinct gap in our ranks. Do you guys realize I'm the only original robot master left?
Dust: Sure, but that's a good thing! I mean, isn't that why your lead us?
Drill: To be honest, what leading do I do? Say “To the Cossack Mobile!” or something? I've seen teammates come and go, it never gets any easier. But Rebel was like a brother to me.
Dust: Don't you consider us your family too?
Drill: Of course, but he and I were there from the beginning... I dunno, this phase will pass in time.
Dive: I think we need ta cheer ya up. To the bar!
Drill: I'm good for now Dive... but I do agree we should do something fun. Let's go see a play!
Bright: I'll bring Autumn!
Pharaoh: Uh... Bright we aren't going to bring your cat to a play.
*At that moment, Dive returned with Dr. Cossack, Jay, and Silent Bob.*
Dr. Cossack: I found this lummox puking his brains out. I tried getting him to let Jay help him out with that, but he refused.
Jay: Yeah, we offered him a cannon to have to his face, but he just went right back to the bottle.
Dive: There ain't no life like da drunk life!
Drill: ... Well are you guys trying to go to a play? I mean, I suppose you could hide being stoned better than being drunk.
Dive: I resent dat remark bossman. Just for that, I'm bringing my own personal whiskey: “Divedicks!” It went great with the test audience.
Bright: You mean yourself don't you?
Dive: You know it!
Jay: Naga notch! I got play tickets yo! Silent Bob here almost had to suck a...
Silent Bob: *Eyes expand*
Toad: I don't want to hear those next few words.
Dust: Well what are we going to see?
Jay: Batman the fucking Musical!
Skull: You got to be kidding me.
Jay: Would this face lie?
Drill: Well... Batman the Musical it is! Hey Kalinka, want to come see a show?
*Kalinka enters the room.*
Kalinka: I suppose. Father, will you behave?
Dr. Cossack: Insolent child, why do you have to ask me first?
Kalinka: The bigger question is why do I need to ask you at all?
Dr. Cossack: Hold your tongue! Now to the transporters!
Narrator: And so the gang proceeded to teleport to their show.
Jay: Motherfucking Broadway yo!
Kalinka: Wow, I have always wanted to see a show here. Father, why did you never bring me here before?
Dr. Cossack: I didn't like musicals until I met those two. Now I feel the music and get what they are saying.
Kalinka: I hate you.
Skull: This is gonna suck.
Dive: I don't want ya negative crap right now, I just wan ta enjoy da music.
Skull:... I can be gentle too you know.
Dive: No Skullman of mine is gonna be gentle with me!
Drill: Enough, get your playbills and find your seat.
Bright: We are gonna see a show!
Drill: Quiet you!
Dust: I'm gonna grab candy. I'll meet you in there.
Pharaoh: Don't be too long. I heard this show got great reviews.
Narrator: And so the show begins.
Chorus: *Singing* In Gotham City on a dark cold night, the Waynes saw a movie like any family might. But no one could foretell how that night went to hell.
Alfred: *Narrating* After viewing The Mark of Zorro, Thomas, Martha, and their son Bruce Wayne go down Park Row, also known as Crime Alley. In the alley awaited Joe Chill, a petty thief. Left alone with only his trusted butler Alfred Pennyworth, that's me, Bruce travels the world and trains himself to prime physical condition. However, on March 11, Bruce laid in his father's chair, claiming that Criminals are a Superstitious Cowardly Lot. Suddenly a Bat broke through the window of the study, causing Bruce to exclaim "I shall become a bat!"
Chorus: He is Gotham's Darkest Knight, the villains cower in fright, turn on the signal light for Batman!
Drill: Did they really need all that detail?
Toad: Meh, narrators are useful. You just need a strong second act opening.
Pharaoh: Where is Dust? He is missing all of this.
Dr. Cossack: Quiet! Poison Ivy is trying to trap some Arkham guard.
Guard: I don't know who all these guys are. I mean, everyone knows Joker and Two Face, but what about the guy with the dummy, or the question mark guy?
Poison Ivy: Who are we? Who are we? We are the inmates of Arkham Asylum!
Inmates:*Singing* We are residents of Arkham, as crazy as we seem. Kill a guy, rob a bank, but we each have our own themes. We have a gimmick so you see we stand in front the rest! When you see what I usually do you'll know that I'm the best.
Poison Ivy: *Singing* Look at you, so nice and lively, you've been introduced to Poison Ivy. I control flora; that is plants, I can even control men using my sweet pheromones their minds do I bend.
Mr. Zzasz: *Singing* See the restraints; you want to know why for I am Mr. Zzasz! See the scars that run from my feet to my hands? They each represent a victim that I killed, for deep inside me I know my mission was fulfilled.
Scarface: *Singing* Don't you know who I am, Scarface and Ventriloquist of Arkham. He's my dummy; I run the show for if you mess with Scarface you'll have a death blow.
Riddler: *Singing* Riddle me this, and riddle me that, who's afraid of a big black bat. Riddle me high and riddle me low, guess how long my dance will go!
*Riddler performs a tap dance number.*
Inmates: We live in Arkham, but there is one we all avoid. He'll turn the corner, kill you and say “Heavens to murgatroid!” Unpredictable, very crazy, and a cheat at even poker. We advise you to stay away from that maniac the Joker! Heed our warning very well, you poor cigarette smoker! If you had any sense at all, you'd stay away from Joker!
Dive: Take off your top Ivy! Show me ya roots!
Bright: Hey! Don't do that Dive!
Dive: But it's so fun!
Pharaoh: I'm going to go find Dust. It's been a while and I want to make sure he's okay.
Dive: You gonna shake his...
Pharaoh: Think carefully about those next words Dive. We are in public.
Dive: Piss off King Tut.
Pharaoh: Fair enough.
Narrator: So Pharaoh leaves the theater to look for his lost comrade... get it?
Pharaoh: Dust? Dust?
Voice: Sorry, Mr. Dustman is occupied at the moment. Can I take a message?
*The mysterious person knocks Pharaoh out*
Voice: Now to play the waiting game.
Narrator: Meanwhile, back in Gotham City.
Victim: Let me live! Take them!
Man: You've killed us all!
Joker: *Singing* I like how she's thinking. I think she's fine. Okay babe you can walk away, but all of your friends are mine. A flower for the lady, some gas for this guy, this place is mine but first, you see, I need you all to die. Was waiting for this moment, I am weak in the knees. Harley my sweet it would be so neat if you would get the crowbar please.
Jay: Silent Bob, I don't care if you need to piss, stay in your seat! This is really cool.
Silent Bob: *Protests*
Jay: Fine Tubby, but don't whine to me when you miss Batman and Ace the Bathound doing it with Bat Mite and Stan Lee.
Ring: Do you ever think before you speak?
Jay: Why would I?
Harley: Good job Mista J!
Joker: But Harley... I noticed you struck a man before I entered.
*Harley becomes visibly nervous.*
Harley: Well... he was trying to... my shtick...
Joker: Your shtick? YOUR SHTICK! I'LL SHOW YOU A SHTICK!
Narrator: So Silent Bob goes to the bathroom and goes to buy a drink.
Silent Bob: Wait, where are Dust and Pharaoh?
*Spots a trenchcoated figure wearing a fedora standing in the lobby of the theater.*
Silent Bob: Hmm...
*He attempts to go inside, but is stopped*
Voice: I almost forgot about the Comrades' little stoners.
Silent Bob: Who are you?
Voice: Why reveal my identity now when I can wait until the entire team storms out?
*Silent Bob grabs Fedora*
Silent Bob: Kryptoman!
Krypto: You remember me, I'm impressed. For too long have I waited in the shadows. That whole war was too pointless for me to enter.
Silent Bob: I gotta warn the others!
Krypto: At this point, go! You ruined the dramatic effect anyway tubby.
Krypto: He forgot to ask about his friends. A pitty.
Narrator: And so Silent Bob rushes to tell Jay everything he found out.
Jay: You fall in or something?
Silent Bob: Listen to me Jay, Kryptoman is back. He's got Pharaoh and Dust, we need to help them!
Jay: For a guy named Silent Bob you sure do like to talk during a play! I'm missing the show!
Batman: This ends here Joker!
Joker: But don't you want to know about my plan? How I plan to
Joker: Light up the tow...
*In midsentence, Batman hit Joker in the gut. Joker gasps for air.*
Joker: Hey, that's my theme song in this musical! You can't do that!
Batman: Watch me.
Silent Bob: Why do I even bother?! Guys, we need to get out to the lobby!
Skull: But the show...
Silent Bob: Fuck the show! Your teammates need you!
Drill: My god! Quickly, to the lobby!
Dr. Cossack: Look, they captured the Joker.
Drill: Comrades, hold!
Two Face: *singing* You're back here at Arkham, you miserable clown. You thought your plan would really work to light up this town. Well guess what you miserable freak you will never do that as long as this city is still protected by bat.
Joker: *singing* I may be at Arkham, but all three of you are wrong. I will escape, kill the bat while singing my theme song! Watch out Gotham, I'll be back you'll simply have to wait! But can someone get me out of these damn restraints!
All: *singing* No!
Drill: Good enough for me, let's go!
Narrator: And so the Comrades assemble in the lobby.
Krypto: So you got my message, eh master?
Drill: Kryptoman! What rock have you been hiding under?
Krypto: I don't want to repeat myself.
Dive: Where's King Tut and Suck Guy?
Krypto: In the broom closet.
Dive: That's it? A closet? You are lame as hell. Here I'll get them.
*Dive opens the door, but is shocked!*
Krypto: Ah, your drunken friend doesn't have very long indeed. You have merely an hour to cure him of my new virus or else he dies. And if he is part human, which I can only guess is true judgling by the energy I am receiving from him, than he will suffer a horrific death indeed.
Toad: You bastard!
*Toad attacks Kryptoman, but he is swatted aside*
Krypto: Worthless, I have evolved beyond your useless human inducted attacks. Only you, master, have the chance to stop me. Can you do it?
Drill: You know damn well I'll try.
*Drill produces a lightsaber, with Krypto drawing his own energy blade! The two begin to fight, which enters the theater, which has just returned from intermission*
Black Mask: *Singing* I refuse to give up my birthright, this truly cannot be! I had so much of Gotham directly under me. I refuse for you to blow out my candles using a waving fan. Who do you think you are... ?
Batman: I'm BATMAN.
Drill: You bastard, you really want to do this while this is going on?
Krypto: Why Master, I know how much you like Batman, I only assumed you wanted to see the show before I end your life.
*Drill manages to eject Krypto back into the lobby*
Dive: Hold on Bossman, I got him for ya!
*Dive bombards Krypto with missiles*
Drill: Dive! How'd you...
Dive: Like this B-Villain can do any damage ta me?
Krypto: “B-Villain?” Is that the best...
Bright: It's not over!
Toad: Not by a long shot.
*They attack him*
Krypto: Okay, now I'm...
Skull: You bore me.
*He traps Krypto in a perpetual skull barrier*
Krypto: AGH! I hate you all!
Narrator: But suddenly, Krypto explodes in fury! Now free from his prison, he prepares to finish his prey once and for all.
Krypto: What he said. Haha, time to kill your little friends...
*Krypo retreats into the theater. Surveying the damage, Drillman comes to a realization.*
Drill: I... I have to do it.
Bright: You can't kill him. Dr. Cossack wouldn't want it that way.
Drill: This wasn't built by Cossack. It was built by ME. He burns. NOW!
Narrator: Drillman reenters the musical, determined to end the life of his creation.
Krypto: So now Batman has been ambushed and brought to Arkham to be put on trial? Almost like that one BTAS episode...
Riddler: *singing* As you know, your honor, I just love a good mind game, but soon the crosswords, puzzles, and Sudoku all started to seem the same. My cranium needed more, and Batman showed his face! I needed to outwit him, even if I was a disgrace!
All: He is to blame for how we all became! He is the one who had us start our fun! Your honor this much you can see...
The Judge: *singing* It is time for me to join the party! *It's the Joker!* It seems poor Batsy here did not quite get the joke, I told you back in Arkham your mind I would eventually poke. Well since I did not light the town, I'll have to settle with you! After I work my magic your mind will split in two! Yes Batman my sentence here will be ever so filthy! Take Guanoman away, for I do declare him guilty!
Two Face: *singing* Your honor, I thank you on behalf of the court, but I do think it's time for the sport!
Joker: *singing*Quite so Mr. Prosecutor let's get on with this party! To the EST room, take him now! You, Riddler and Harley!
Krypto: Bravo! Bravo!
*Drill takes the lightsaber and stabs in Krypto's chest.*
Krypto: Well, look who stopped weeping the dead! You know I've been screwing around with you? Dust and Pharaoh are locked up in the ladies room. Oh, how much trouble you went through for nothing.
Drill: I've given a lot of thought to this. I'm tired of being calm. I'm tired of it all. I lost my girl, I lost my home, I lose more teammates then I can imagine, and now my best friend!
Krypto: So you'll kill me? Then I win! You will give up everything you ever stood for! HAHA!
*Drill raises the lightsaber to Krypto's face.*
*It is Dr. Cossack!*
Dr. Cossack: He's right you know. If you kill him, he wins. Is that the legacy of Drillman?
Drill: I don't care!
Jay: Listen, what Dr. Cossack is trying to say is that there are worse than death.
Narrator: And so the Comrades watch the rest of the play.
Catwoman: Exactly, this is why I am still here chasing you around after all these years. Come on Bruce, let's have some fun. Without these masks I mean...
Batman: Gotham might need me...
Catwoman: While Gotham “might” need you, I “do” need you. What do you say? Alfred ever cook that halibut?
Batman: Why don't we find out together?
Dust: Man, I wish I got to see the rest of the show. This sucks.
Toad: So where did you end up doing with Krypto, Doc?
Dr. Cossack: You don't want to know.
Krypto: Where... where am I?
Profster: Hem hem. Welcome to the Big Rock Candy Mountains!
Kaiso: Do you want to bathe in da soda water fountain?
Krypto: No... noo... NOOOOOO!!!!!
Profster: OR A CLOUD!!!
Narrator: Now we move away from that sorrid scene as Drill reflects on the events of the past few months.
Drill: I gotta thank Cossack for that idea. Since the slide is destroyed, he will never be able to return. But really, can I truly adjust to this? More deaths, each more hurtful then the last. When I joined this team, I was so young, inexperienced. I felt like I could get away with anything. I remember the prime days of the Megaman Teams, back with Gary and the gang, where the only bad thing to truly work would be getting scammed by Gauntlet's counterfeit money machine or attacked by City Garage. Heh. The Maniacs, god I miss em. We can never meet again, I don't think they can forgive me for my actions in the war. I tried to be a good leader, never risk anything, but I can't please everyone. I was able to please one person though... but she was killed in an attempt to corrupt my soul. Instead it supercharged it, making me thirst for revenge... Oh Shadowy, did you foresee this? Is this why you let me take the reins? I remember the old gang, Sergal and I kicking Ballade's ass... Zapper and Zymeth being rather odd yet comforting... and Rebel going crazy on Coke... I wish they were here...
*Dust comes outside, looking for Drill*
Dust: Hey Drill, we managed to get a taped version of the show. Want to watch it?
Drill: Hmm? Sure Dust, I'll be inside in a moment.
Drill: Hey Dust, remember that robot we stopped when you first joined? What was its name?
Dust: Oh Omni, may we never see his ugly mug again. Why do you ask?
Drill: Nothing, just sedimental value. Go on ahead, I'll be right there.
Dust: Okay leader.
*Dust returns to the citadel*
Drill: Leader... not anymore. It's time I take a break from this game... I'll leave when they go to sleep. I'm sure they all can manage. Oh Jet... Autumn... Geoff... Hunter... Regulus... Sean... Jade... Jay... Silent Bob... Kalinka... Dr. Cossack how I will miss you all. But there are times where going out on your own is the only logical thing to do. I've done my part and it is time to let someone else take the reins. But that can wait until the morning... until then it is time for one last night with my true family.
Voice: Sorry, I am afraid I cannot permit you to do that.
Drill: What the... oh no... not Bl...
*Drill is shot and captured by the anonymous figure*
Voice: It is time for phase two... the plan must continue...
Narrator: What's this?! Drillman resignation has been interrupted by an unseen foe! Is he alive and if he is, will he rejoin his teammates or will he be something much worse... find out in the next season of Cossacks Comrades!