Cossack's Comrades Alpha Season 4 Epilogue 1
Wraithman’s Revenge: A late-Night Chat RP
By Jade (Pharaoh Man), Jet (Bright Babe), Zapper (Toad Girl), and Geoff (Dive Man)
*Centralia is a place with a smoldering coal fire underneath it. Now it is a smoldering warzone SA geothermal plant guarded by Wraithman.
Wraithman: Ladies, Gentelemen.... Diveman. I respect all of you, don't doubt that.... save for you *gestures at Dive*
Dive: Feelin' mutual, Boner Jr, *puts his cig out on Wraith's cloak*
Drill: We’re not in the mood for your mind games, Wraith. It’s time to finish this!
Wraithman: Not if I can stop you! –Mathew 531
*He can’t.
Wraithman: You little hoochees! –Luke 39
*Wraithman swings his scythe at Skullman, but BB jabs the back of his head with her pigtails and discharges all of her stored energy. Wraithman collapses on the ground, smoke pouring out of his mouthslits and ears*
Dust: What do we do with him now?
Dive: *raising his boot over Wraith’s head* What kinda stupid question is that?!
Skull: *puts his scythe to Dive’s neck* Don’t even try.
Dive: What?! Ya gotta be shittin’ me!
Skull: Look, he’s many things, but he’s still my brother. He’s the only family I have left.
Dive: ‘N what r we?! Yer hired asswipers?!
Skull: Related family, jackass.
BB: Maybe there’s something Cossack can do for him.
Skull: It occurred to me too. C’mon, we’re done here. Let’s go home.
*back at the Citadel..
Skull: How is he?
Cossack: Well, he’s functional again. But he’s…still recovering from that electric shock to his CPU.
BB: …Sorry…
Dive: It was him or us! ‘N I still say this idea sucks!
Drill: Look Dive, I was with you the first six hours, but shut up. *turns to Cossack* What do you mean?
Cossack: *opens door* See for yourself.
*The Comrades enter Wraithman’s room and find him stretched out on a cot, trying to read as he twitches involuntarily.
Wraith: …I l-like to r-read... it helps me f-focus...
Dive: Shaddap. I'm don’ wanna hear ya ramble on ‘n on 'bout yer damn books
Wraith: Oh, m-my bad. I f-forgot y-you're not one for r-reading. B-Big surp-prise.
Dive; What r ya sayin'?!
Wraith: Oh n-nothing...
Dive: Yer callin’ me an idiot arencha?
Wraith: N-not like th-that, but n-now that you b-bring it up...
Dive: ‘N this commin’ from the guy who can't even dish out one sentence right?
BB: Dive, please-
Dive: *silences BB* Yer so smart? What's 12+24?
Wratih: .............. *Looks around* ..... 36! D-Damn!
Dive: AHAHAAHAHAHAAA!
Wraith: Sh-Shut up! I'm c-crippled!
Dive: That's what makes it so damn funny! You're callin’ me tha dumb one? Ya can' even add, jackass.
Wraith: Sh-shame... It m-must st-ting having a lesser I-IQ than me s-still. I-I'd put m-money on that o-one.
Dive: You know what?
*Boot*
Dive: I-it’s clean…It’s c-cold…Now th-that’s what I call…High quality asskickin'
*Crash*
BB: Awww, DIVE!
Wraith: I-I really h-hate him....
Drill: Okay, you’ve had your fun, Geoff.
Dive: Damn straight I did!
*later…*
Drill: Wraith's starting to talk to himself again. Someone should take him out and wheel him around for a bit.
Wraithman: Wh-what? Who are w-we talking ab-bout?
Dive: Dibs.
Wraithman: *Eyes wide in horror* N-no! P-please! Not h-him!
Dive: C'mon, we'll have fun…
Wraithman: I-I b-beg you! N-not again!
*Earlier that week, Blizzardman and Diveman race along the highway with Wraithman strapped to the hood of the car*
Wraith: *Panicking* I'M N-NOT H-HAVING AS M-MUCH FUN AS Y-YOU SAID I WOULD!
*bam*
Blizzard: Deer.
*bam*
Dive: ‘Nother deer.
*bam!*
Dive: Moose.
*BAMM!*
Blizzard: Cow.
*BAMMM!*
Dive: Rosie O' Donnell.
*back in the present…*
Drill: ...dear god…
Wraith: *Battered* N-now I have an ir-rational f-fear of four-legged an-nimals...
*later that evening…*
Dive: *Drunk at the bar* That's the stuff...
Wraithman: *dressed as a bartender* Would you like another glass?
Dive: Hell yea-... Wraith? *collapses on the ground*
Wraithman: Don't bother trying to get up. You're paralyzed from the neck down.
Dive: *struggles* .... How-
Wraithman: Please, even you saw how bad my performance was, right? ‘N-now I have an ir-rational f-fear of four-legged an-nimals...’ Hardly Shakespeare material.
Dive: Ya bastard…
Wraithman: No matter. My mission’s a success. I got everything I wanted out of Cossack’s lab and then some. But you won’t have time to reflect on that detail.
Dive: …Wha?
Wraithman: Strange, the words "Demolition Derby" seem to just... spring to mind. Does that sound familiar to you at all?
Dive: Dunno. Depends on whether or not I passed out or not at tha time.
Wraithman: If you didn’t?
Dive: Nope.
Wraithman: Your loss. So let's have fun. Are you familiar with the term, "hangover"?
Dive: .... what did you do?
Wraithman: *Shakes a bottle of pills* Well, I'll leave you with this little tid-bit. You've never had one. Not yet. At least, not in comparison to what you're going to enjoy tomorrow morning. Ahahahha! *Slinks off*
*Next morning*
Drill: Dive?
Dive: (Face-down on the bar) *Incoherent mumblings*
Drill: Speak to me man!
Dive: ..... Ugh....... I........ am...... in........ hell........
Ring: HEYA! Where's Dive at?
Dive: ...Avenge...my death...
Drill: What happened?
Dive: ....W-wraith.....
Ring: What!?
Dive: WRAITH! He got better, spiked my booze, ‘n ran off! *Grabs stomach* Oh God..... I feel like I have a Texas Chainsaw Massacre goin’ on in my gut.... *falls down*
BB:....*thinking* At least he can't launch any Dive Missiles at me when he's sick like that.
Dive: ...One last...attack from...from the grave...*dive missiles BB* …Kickass…
Ring: So now what?
Dive: Stop talkin’ so damn loud!
Drill: .... *Whispering* I don't know.
Dive: Ack, that STILL hurts! Just, Shaddap!
Dive: Why don't you just take a drill and bore right into my damn skull with it!?
Dust: *peeks in the bar* What's with all the shouting?
Dive: AUGH! *Lifts arms to fire DIve missle but doubles over, flops onto the counter and throws up behind it*
Dust: .... *Slowly backs out*
Drill: .... You want us to just leave you there?
Dive: ... Yeah..... that'd be good....
*Later…*
Skull: Dive what are you-No! Not on my-! Argh!!
*BB, Toad and Pharaoh burst into Skull’s room, only to find it covered with vomit*
Dive: *clutching his stomach* Get outta my way!!
BB: Ewww….!! What happened in here?
Skull: Dive busted into my organ room, flailing and stumbling and shouting, then he just fell over and started throwing up all over the place. It was mostly alcohol.
Pharaoh: Oooh look, he barfed on Zy's organ... there must be a stiff penalty for that...
BB: .... Ew....For the record... I'm NOT cleaning it this time.
Dive: *offscreen* Blaargghh!
Dust: *offscreen* Damnit Dive! Not in my vacuum!
Pharaoh: I suppose that would be Dust's original intention for his design... *imagines Dive forcing Dustman to wear a French maid outfit*
Dive: Blargh!!
Aqua: Why am I here?! And why are you puking in my water tank?!
Dive: Go talk ta some fish, Aqua.
Skull: Great. This is JUST great. Wraithman disappears and Dive starts projectile vomiting all over the citadel.
Toad: …And I just realized that I’m probably the best suited to clean all that…
Dive: *pointedly sighes* Fine! I’ll see what I can do!
*Diveman uses Zap's teddy bear and Autumn as mops to clean up his mess*
Autumn: Moooooowwww!!! *runs off covered in vomit*
BB: Oh no! Not my kitty!
Toad: NOOOOOO!!!!! ZAKUUUUU!!!
Dive: Well, I'm feeling dandy now. What's for lunch?
BB: Autumn! Get back here! You're just gonna get it all over the place! *runs after her cat to clean her off*
Toad: Zaku.... you smell like vodka and throw up now... Could someone wash Zaku? I don't want to kill him like I did that one set of laundry....
Dive: *grabs zaku* I'm On it.
*Diveman stuffs Zaku in Aqua's water tank as Aquaman churns it in a sudsy broth*
BB: ........Not what I had in mind. >_<
Toad: But you already threw up in there!
Pharaoh: …And he probably pissed in there too.
Dive: That reminds me! *scribbles "For a good time, call BB at 653-6764" on Aqua’s tank*
BB: Not AGAIN!
Dive: *caps marker* There that oughta do it. Aqua, spit him out
*Aqua shoots Zapper with a water balloon with Zaku inside
Toad: Now he smells like alcohol, throw up, and pee...
BB: *stuffs Zaku in the washing machine* 3 trips through the wash should clean him off good as new.
Dive: *not even looking* Already barfed in the washin’ machines. ‘N tha dryer. ‘N in Skull's organ's pipes. Pretty much everywhere but tha toilet.
BB: .....Oh for crying out...*gets Zaku out of the wash*
Dive: Don't blame me, blame Wraith. It's all his fault.
Skull: Okay, I'm not touching ANYTHING. I'm going out. See you guys later. *as he leaves* I hate you, Aqua Man.
*Skullman tries to leave the room until he sees the door’s covered in vomit, then jumps out window*
BB: Don't worry Zapper. we'll get him cleaned off for you somehow. ^^;
Pharaoh: I know! *Calls up WW.* Hey, Bubbleman. Got a minute?
Dive: Threw up in him too. I don' remember when, but that's my story ‘n I'm stickin’ ta it.
Pharaoh: That is some damn good projectile vomitine; reached Skull Fortress all the way from here.
Dive: Are ya kiddin’ me?! Ya don’ know tha half o’ it!
*meanwhile, in Elysium…*
Stone: What happened to you, Wave?
Wave: ...I don't want to talk about it...
Napalm: *reading the scribbling on Wave's armor and dialing a phone* So BB's number's 653-6764?
*back at the Citadel…
Pharaoh: Oh god, so every water-based RM is out then...
BB: So how do we clean Zaku then? I don't trust the dry cleaners.
Toad: Do you think we could just get a big gallon of Fabreeze and dip him in there?
Pharaoh: I think as long as you scrub really hard...
Dive: Threw up in the Fabreeze plant too. Might've peed in it too, the night's kinda hazy to me
BB: ......o.o Oh my...
Pharaoh: Okay Dive, what DIDN'T you vomit/pee/crap/etc in...?!
Dive: I told ya, everythin’ but our toilet!
Pharaoh: Sigh…I guess we can wash Zaku in the toilet...
Toad: Awww.....
BB: ......You're not serious? ._.
Dive: Damn straight we are! We got a plan!
Pharaoh: Do we at least have some untainted detergent?
Dive: ...Yeah...Aquamarine
Pharaoh: Won't that dissolve Zaku?
BB: .......I'm not using that on Zaku.
Dive: Horseshit. He'll be fine, *tosses Zaku in a toilet filled with Aquamarine*
*Ssssssss*
BB: o_o; Dive!
Toad: *Closes eyes* I can’t look! Is he okay!?
Pharaoh: *pulls up a melting teddy bear head* Depends on your version of "okay"...
Dive: *shrug* It seemed like a good idea...
Toad: ........... *Bursts into tears*
BB: ....Awww, Dive. Why'd you do that? >_<
*The Aquamarine starts eating through the porcelain as Diveman flings melted head at Aqua man with a resounding splat.
Dive: ...I think we've gotta problem here...
Pharaoh: *looks for antacid* Don’t tell me, let me guess…
Dive: Nah...I peed in the toilet this morning
Pharaoh: And you didn't flush?! I thought you were house trained better than that...
Dive: ...I dunno, I was hungover! Let's see ya flush a toilet hungover!
*The Aquamarine eats through septic tank*
Dive: I think we should run…
*the Comrades pile out of the bathroom just before the toilet melts into sludge*
Toad: *sniffling* Yeah, Mr. Ashford, I hear them too! Manic giggling*
BB: Zapper? Are you ok?
Toad: Of course! I'm Bobbin Threadbare! Are you my mother?
BB: ........Ummm. What?
Dive: Yep, she's fine. Ya heard her. Who’s up fer a drink?
…
BB: Come on uhhh... Bobbin. Let's see about finding a Zaku for ya. ^^;
Pharaoh: *on a computer* Already took care of it! Is there nothing eBay can't do?
*back at Elysium*
Napalm: *surfing the net* What's this? A faithful replica of Zapper's teddy bear? It must be mine! *bids $40,000*
*back at the citadel…*
BB: .......Guys. *points at the computer screen* we've been outbid by.... a lot. ._.
Pharaoh: Frikkin snipers...
Toad: *delirious* I'm selling these fine leather jackets....!
*back at Elysium*
Napalm: Heehee! I won him! I won him! Lookit him! He's so cute, I could dress him up, have him for tea parties, and sing to him as I go to sleep at night…
Crystal: ...Napalm...why...?
*back at the citadel*
BB: .......;_; Awww... We need to get that bear somehow.
*Cutman and a sobbing Napalmman appear from behind a potted plant*
Cutman: Take it. I'm begging you. Napalm's freaking me out with it
Napalm: *sobbing incosolably*
BB: ...... O..Okay. *takes Zaku*
Toad: *Manic Giggling* Kill the Hobbits!
Pharaoh: Oh god. Here. Here's your precious. *hands over Zaku*
Toad: YAY! *snatches Zaku* oh thank you so much ^_^
Cutman: Don't mention it. Oh, and do show for our Christmas play. So I can kill you. Again. *disappears behind bush*
Pharaoh: Uh... Yeah... Won't miss it...
Dive: Ah damnit! Missed a spot! *cleans up some barf with Zaku*
Toad: *Bursts into tears again*
Pharaoh: *head in hands* Dammit...
BB: Dive!
Dive: *tosses Zaku at Toad* Well I'm sorry! None of you assholes had a paper towel! *Pow!*
BB: Owww!
Pharaoh: …Note to self... Put paper towels on shopping list... And lots of Febreeze...
BB: ......*rubbing head* Could you add aspirin to that list too please. x_x
Toad: Why Zaku?
Napalm: Screw this! I want Zaku back!
Toad: Waaah!
*Napalmman gets in a slap fight with Toad
Pharaoh: o_O
BB: Oh no! Napalm, please stop it!
Napalm & Dive: *sucker punch BB*
BB: ...Oooooww.. X_x ...Shutting up....*faints*
Pharaoh: What’s wrong with you?! *Pharaoh Shots Napalm*
Napalm: Screw you! I want my teddy back! *Napalm bombs Pharaoh*
Dive: Fine. If Zap can't have it, no one can.
*Diveman loads Zaku in Napalm's howitzer and fires. Zapper cries as Zaku sails off into the horizon, engulfed in flames*
Toad: *delirious, holding a knife* I'm Guybrush Threepwood! I wanna be a pirate! *Manic giggling*
Pharaoh: Where’s that thing gonna land…
*meanwhile in Monsteropolis, Senator Hugo is berating Drastic Measures minus Avi
Sen Hugo: I don't care if you rescued me from Magnetman! You all are just as bad as child molesters and people who talk at the theater!
Turboman: Yeah, yeah what else is new?
*suddenly, Hugo gets blown up into a million pieces by the incendiary Zaku. Drastic Measures looks around nervously before running off. Back at the Citadel...
Pharaoh: Uh oh...
Napalm: Nice shot.
*back at RPD, Crorq is shaking his spindly fists at random RPD Joes as Avi's chained to his wrist in a Princess Leia bikini*
Crorq: The Cossack infidels attacked! Return fire! Gablahblahblah! *throws a sub at Avi
*RPD fires off a flaming Zaku directly at Toad
Napalm: Uh-oh…I’m outta here! *disappears behind the same potted plant*
Pharaoh: Incoming!
*Pharaoh deflects the rocket with his Eye of Horus. Back at RPD*
Crorq: INFIDELSS!! FIRE AGAIN!! Gablahblahblahblah!! *throws a $5 Subway footlong at Avi
*another air-to-ground Zaku sails through the skies at Toad as the deflected Zakus rocket back at Crorq.
Crorq: Take cov-
*Crorq gets caught in the explosion as Avi trips him using the chain attached to her ankle. Back at the Citadel…
Ring: What the hell’s going on here?
Toad: *Evil side coming out* I likes to shoot things! HEHEHEHHE!
Pharaoh: Oh…crap…*gets blasted by Zaku rockets*
BB: Owww... What happened? *knocked out by a stray Zaku rocket* x_x
Ring: Zaku rockets? What luck! I’ve got the trick ring for the job, hang on!
Dive: *uses BB’s body as a shield against the rockets* Take yer time!
Ring: Let’s see…key ring, Olympic ring, Tweed ring, Get-Out-Of-Jail free ring (oh, that worked real well against Needle), ringworm, Molly Ringwald, ah! My Anti-Zaku Rocket Ring!
*Ring throws his trick ring up in the air, catching a Zaku rocket in mid-air, disarms it, then plops it harmlessly into Zapper's arms
Toad: ....ZAKU!
Dive: How tha hell didja know to make a ring that could do that?!
Ring: I like to be prepared. And it's saved my life before.
Pharaoh: *gets up* Is it over? What the hell happened?!
BB: ...Oww. *rubs head*
Toad: *Back to normal* I'm not sure.... I'm so confused o.O
Dive: Damnit! I missed another spot! *mops up floor with BB
BB: Eeeeeeewwww!!! DX Dive! Stop it!
Toad: *Cries again* No! It’s starting again!
Skull: I'm back for like, what, 5 seconds? Jesus, I'm moving to Canada.*Stops*... I hate you Aquaman
Pharaoh: Okay, that's it *Pharaoh Shots Diveman*
Dive: *deflects the shot using Autumn as a shield*
BB: *covered in mopped up vomit*.....So...dirty.... x_x
Pharaoh: *wipes off BB with his cape*
BB: ....Thank you Jade. But now your cape's got it on it.
Pharaoh: Yeah... It's not as if there's not any anywhere else.
BB: ....Good point. Thanks though.
Autumn: *wanders by with puke on her* Mow?
BB: ....But I just cleaned you off. How did you... Never mind.
Cossack: What's going on!? There is puke.... EVERYWHERE!
Kalinka: *cocks shotgun* And why is there a melted, steaming hole where the toilet used to be?!
Dive: *throws Autumn at them* We’re takin’ care o’ it!
Pharaoh: Oh man...There's gotta be some way to get rid of all this...
BB: You'd think anyway...
Toad: I have lots of acid Maybe that could help ^_^
Pharaoh: Hm... We can risk dissolving the whole place, I guess.
BB: .....I don't know you guys...
Dive: Wait! I got an even better idea!
*Later, Wraithman is dressed as janitor, pushing a mop around the citadel
Wraithman: ...Stupid Dive Man...
Dive: Don't forget the organ pipes
Wraithman: ...Goddamnit...
BB: Oh Dive.... >_<
Pharaoh: How'd you get him to do that?
Dive: It involves certain pics of him at Jade's birthday party. Let's leave it at that…
*But we won't. Back at Jade’s birthday party…
Dive: Enjoyin’ tha stripper, Pharaoh?
Crystalgirl: *in a turquoise bikini* Goddamnit, Diveman!!
Pharaoh: Heheheh. You bet.
Dive: Good, cuz here's ‘nother:
*Diveman opens up a closet, revealing Gravityman in a leopardskin thong*
Gravity: I will rip your skeleton out of your ass for this!!
Pharaoh: ?!?
Dive: Lapdances are free.
All (minus Diveman): ...
Toad: Eww...Gravity... o.o
Wraithman: *plastered* L-lady in r-reeedddd!! *wheels his chair over to Gravity and forces him to lapdance*
BB: Oh god! Dive! Stop this!!
Gravity: Actually wait. Let’s not rule anything out…
*back in the present*
BB: ....I still have nightmares from that night.
Pharaoh: Um... Yeah... >_<
Drill: You’re so going to hell, Dive.
Dive: Prolly. *tosses scarf over shoulder* ...And that's the end of THAT chapter!
Cossack: *over intercom* Comrades, report to my lab immediately! The Seven Mercs are attacking Paris!
Drill: We’re on our way!
Fin!
Cossack's Comrades |
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| AM as Drill Man  |
Sean as Dust Man  |
Geoff as Dive Man  |
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| Jet as Bright Babe  |
Zymeth as Skull Man  |
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| Rebel40000 as Ring Man  |
Jade as Pharaoh Man  |
Zapper as Toad Girl  |
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