Canto I: Descent

**In the year 200X, Russian knights and mercenaries seized the city of Nonsteropolis, thirty miles from the holy lands of Monsteropolis. Upon capturing the city, King Richard ordered his soldiers round up thousands of civilian prisoners. He hoped to barter them with Saladin, the protector of the holy lands, in exchange for immunity from a shutdown code the local RPD had been installing in citizens around the globe.

However, Saladin refused to give in to Richard’s demands, even as the bitter conflict escalated. Even as Richard insisted on holding the high ground, his knights were rapidly growing weary and frustrated with the bloody crusade. Our story starts with such a crusader who has grown weary of the war and decides to return home.

At the midpoint on the journey of life, I found myself in a dark forest, fer the clear path was lost. I cannot well recount how I entered the wood, so long had it been since I abandoned sobriety. Ya would too if ya were on yer *counts on his fingers* thirty-twelfth shot o’ Russian Maalox. Ever since I lef’ the war, I felt like sumthin’ nasty has been tailin’ me, jus’ round tha corner. But it was nuthin’ I wasn’ used to. When you've lived my life, crappy omens like this are a dime a dozen. Eh. Maybe I jus’ been on Tha Crusades fer too long. I ain’ gonna get any action from dear ol’ Beatrice if I’m wound up tighter than a drum.

*As Dante talks out loud to absolutely no one, a trio of shadowy figures creeps up behind him, hiding behind trees and shrubs as they growl, snarl and howl softly at him. Dante however, simply rides forth, still more or less oblivious to the beasts stalking him One of the figures lunges from behind the tree, revealing itself to be a leopard. With a feral growl, it pounces at Dante, its claws bared. However, the knight deflects the beast with a well-timed uppercut to its jaw.

Dante: I’m not that drunk, ‘n yer not that sneaky!!

Leopard: HRAAWWRRR!!

*Dante jumps off as his horse as the leopard is soon joined by a lion and a she-wolf. The trio of beasts circle around Dante, snarling and snapping their jaws at Dante, their eyes glistening in the dark. However, the knight draws his sword.

Dante: What’s this? Get booted from tha Lion Kin’ or sumthin’? Well, if yer lookin’ fer trouble, ya foun’ it!

She-Wolf: HARROOOOOO!!

Lion: GRAAARRR!!

*The She-Wolf lunges at Dante, but he swiftly thrusts his sword into the wolf’s open maw. The lion pounces Dante, slamming him onto the jagged forest floor. However, Dante kicks the beast off of him and backhands the leopard as he gets up. Grabbing his sword, he plunges it through the base of the leopard’s skull. By now, the Lion has recovered and once again lashes out at Dante. But Dante slashes at the Lion, slicing through its exposed throat. The hefty beast lies dead at his feet in a pool of its own blood.

Dante: Dunno what the hell that was all ‘bout. But ya fucked wit tha wrong guy, Simba.

*Dante takes a swig from his flask as he sheathes his sword. But just as he turns to leave, he finds the She-Wolf standing in front of him again! Her green eyes glow with a malicious light as she sneers at the knight, blood still pouring out of her mouth.

She-Wolf: Can’t let you do that, Dante!

Leopard: Yeah, what’s your rush?

Lion: We’re just getting started!

Dante: *glances at his flask* Okay…Maybe I’ve had enuff fer one night…But if yer up fer roun’ two, so am I!

*Dante draws his sword and swings it at the trio of beasts. However, the wolf tackles Dante from behind, tripping him. As Dante lands face-first on the ground, the Leopard bats the sword away from him,

Dante: This is bad…

Lion: You don’t know the half of it!

*As the Lion leaps toward the prone Dante, he opens his chest and fires a missile from a cross-shaped cannon. The force of the blast knocks the Lion out of the air as the wounded beast lands on its back, its chest singed black.

Dante: I ain' havin' fun anymore...

*As Dante staggers to his feet, he fires blasts at the She-Wolf and the Leopard, keeping them at bay. Once he’s back on his feet, Dante grabs his sword and races off.

Leopard: Go on, run home, coward! You’re not going to like what you find!

*The trio of beasts stay right on Dante’s heels as he races through the woods. The beasts bound after him, their jaws snapping inches behind his back. Desperate, Dante fires several blasts behind him to keep the monsters at bay. Eventually, he comes to his villa in the middle of a grassy meadow. As comes up over a rise, he looks behind him and sees that the beasts aren’t pursuing him any more. Exhausted, he collapses to his knees, gasping for breath.

Dante: Dear God. Those freaks better not have dun nuthin' wit’ Beatrice…Hang on, Babe! I’ma comin’!

*Rising up, Dante dashes over to the villa and throws the doors open. As he enters the dark hut, his jaw drops as he sees blood spattered about the house and the servants lying in a pool of their own blood.

Dante: Holy shit…Not again! Beatrice…? Couldja get the hose? We drove the servants ta murder/suicide again!

…

Dante: …Beatrice…?

*Dante wanders around the villa until he finds his father with his guts spilled and his cross jammed in his eye by the dinner table.

Dante: …Oh shit…Father…Who the hell did this to ya…? Beatrice…? BEATRICE!!

*Dante draws his sword and searches every room of the house for his beloved source of booty, screaming her name. But try as he may, can’t find her anywhere. As Dante races into his room, a shadowy figure slinks up behind him and plunges a dagger into his back.

Dante: GAAHHHH!!

Assassin: Hm. This sensation known as 'Revenge' is most gratifying. I must find more ways I can experience it.

Dante: …Ya…Mother…fuckah…

*Dante stumbles around the house, clutching his bleeding wound as blood pools in his hands. As he drops to his knees, the world turns starts hazy. Dark grey shadows, flowing like a cascade of water, descend over the room as it breaks apart and crumbles to ashes. Only the floor Dante is standing on remains as it floats over a sea of blood and bones.

Dante: Dear God, what is this shit…?!

Voice: It is the beginning of eternity.

*A skeletal figure clad in tattered robes emerges from the floor in a swirling black cloud. He holds a massive scythe crafted from human spines. A blood-red haze blankets the ground beneath him and starts radiating outwards.

Death: You alone have given me the company of hundreds of souls. Now it is time for you to share their ruined fate.

Dante: Horseshit! This can’ be right! I’mma crusader! I fight in the name of God! What can I be guilty of?

Death: …With you, where does one begin?

*The blackish pool of blood pouring from Dante’s wounds begin to slither up his body. He watches in astonishment as the blood wraps itself around his body, forming thick red bands around his muscular arms. The blood on his chest has taken the shape of a red prominent cross, almost covering his entire torso. As the cross and bands take shape, Dante can see bone-like needles floating in the blood. Suddenly, the needles drive themselves into Dante’s skin all at once.

Dante: GYAAAAHHH!! Dude! Sick!! What tha fuck's wrong wit ya?!

*Dante falls to the ground, writhing and screaming in agony as the needles burrow inside him. Once the pain subsides, Dante opens his eyes and looks at the blood on his chest and arms. It has dried into a cloth-like substance that hangs off his arms in ribbons. In addition, the cross on his chest is covered with an array of ornate images depicting various scenes from Dante’s life.

Death: Now your flesh shall be an eternal monument of the atrocities you have forgotten…or have chosen to forget.

Dante: No…Ya got the wrong guy…I haven’ sinned…I gotta clean slate!

Death: Your ill sense of comedy will not save you. It’s time for you to take your place with the rest of your family!

Dante: Fat chance, boner!

*Dante rips the knife out of his back and flings it at Death. However, the knife crumbles to dust just as it reaches Death. With a hoarse roar, Death swings his scythe at the panic-stricken Dante. The warrior tries to parry the blow, but the scythe easily cleaves through the sword like it was butter.

Dante: …Marvelous.

Death: This will not end well for you, arrogant mortal.

*Death slams his scythe into the ground, unleashing a shockwave that launches Dante in the air. As Dante tumbles around in the air, the scythe reaches out, extending towards Dante as the blade grabs him like a mantis claw.

Death: Hmph. Child’s play. *reels Dante in*

Dante: Yer tellin’ me!

*Dante sneers as he blasts Death in the face with his cannon.

Death: *covers face* Impossible!!

Dante: Ooh, I’m jus’ gettin’ started!

*Dante slips free from Death’s grasp and shoots his right elbow as he drops down. Death screams in horror as his forearm erupts in a shower of bones and holy light. Closing his chest compartment, Dante kicks the scythe up into his grasp and swings it around in the air.

Dante: Not bad. I love tha feel o’ this thin’!

Death: *clutching arm* That won’t save you!

*Death conjures up a dozen small sickles high above him and flings them at Dante. However, Dante easily deflects them and counters with a wide, sweeping swing, slicing into Death’s torso.

Dante: Yeah…it’s all fun ‘n games ‘til someone swipes yer little toy, eh?

Death: *drops to his knees*…A wasted effort…This hubris changes nothing…Your soul still rots from your sins…As will sh-

Dante: Oh, shut yer piehole already!

*Dante brutally decapitates Death, and kicks his body as it slumps to the ground..

Dante: “N stay the hell away from Beatrice.

*Death’s head simply crumbles to ashes as it hits the ground, as does the rest of his body. Suddenly, Dante finds himself standing in his house as it was, still holding Death’s scythe. As the bewildered Dante regains his bearings, he notices a figure lying out in the grass in the backyard.

Dante: Beatrice…? Is that ya, darlin’?!

*Dante scampers out the window and rushes over to the body, only to find his bride-to-be with a sword in her throat.

Dante: Oh fuck…Not you too...

*Dante drops his scythe and falls to his knees, cradling the body.

Dante: I shouldn’ have let this happen… Babe, I’m so sorry…

Voice: Sorry for what…?

*Dante jolts up as he sees a white vapor pouring out of Beatrice’s mouth. It swirls upward into the sky, taking Beatrice’s shape.

Beatrice: …Dante…Is it really you? …What’s that gross cross thing doing on your chest?

Dante: Darlin’, who did this ta ya? Was it Filippo? I bet it was…!

Beatrice: Dante, please…Do you remember the night you left…?

Dante: Do I?!

*Dante flashes back to a very tender night three years ago.

Dante: *holds up a Karma Sutra* Alright baby, our current record is eighty positions in one night! That record’s gonna fall, tonight!

*Current time.

Beatrice: …No, Dante. Before that.

*Dante looks down at his gross cross thingie and spots an image of him and Beatrice embracing on that same spot three years ago.

Beatrice: Dante, must you go on this crusade?

Dante: C’mon, ya act like I ain’ comin’ back.

Beatrice: It’s just…there’s nothing for you out there…How much longer must I wait before we are wed?.

Dante: We will. But ya know I can’ turn down a good fight! These turds in Nonsteropolis r jus’ askin’ fer a whoopin’! How can I refuse?!

Beatrice: *giggles* Talking like the man I fell in love with. Just…Just promise me one thing before you go: No matter what happens, promise me you’ll forsake all others for me.

Dante: What?! C’mon! Ya know that booty’s one o’ tha perks ta this job!

Beatrice: Not any more it’s not! From here on out, your swinging days are over!

Dante: *shoves Beatrice* ‘N have me be tha only guy in tha legion who’s not gettin’ any?! No fair!

Beatrice: *grabs Dante by the throat* If I belong to you, you belong to me! It’s a two-way street, you pig!

Dante: God, I frickin’ love it when we fight.

Beatrice: Me too.

*Dante and Beatrice passionately make out, shoving their tongues down their throats

Beatrice: But seriously though, keep it in your pants.

Dante: …It’s a done deal.

Beatrice: I knew I could trust you! Oh, and one more thing…

*Beatrice opens up a pouch and hands Dante a cross-shaped cannon.

Dante: What the-?! No way!! Is that what I thin’ it is?!

Beatrice: Yep. The family heirloom. Sawed off, fires heat seeking missiles, and the stock’s made out of a piece of the True Cross. I figured you could use it to bust a cap in some heathen asses!

Dante: Wicked! Those heretics won’t know what hit ‘em!

Beatrice: Just bring it back when you get home. I need it to shoot the nest of spiders moving into our mango tree.

Dante: You got it! Now then-*holds up a Karma Sutra* Alright baby, our current record is eighty positions in one night! That record’s gonna fall, tonight!

*Present time.

Beatrice: You haven’t forgotten our vow, have you?

Dante: …No way baby.

Beatrice: Oh, Dante…I knew I could trust you! I told him you would…

*A column of light descends upon Beatrice as she slowly rises to the heavens. But as she does, the shadows beneath her begin to swirl around and reach after her, turning into gaunt, skeletal claws. Beatrice’s eyes go wide as they latch onto her ankle.

Beatrice: Dante, what’s going on?

*Dante grabs his scythe and tries to sever the shadowy claws, but his blade simply whiffs harmlessly through them. Beatrice gets forcefully yanked into the shadows, which slowly take the shape of a muscular man with glowing, hollow white eyes.

Lucifer: I believe you’re going my way?

Dante: What tha shit is this?!

Lucifer: She and I had an arrangement…Wager if you will. She lost. I’m just here to collect.

Beatrice: …What…? Dante…you couldn’t have…!

Dante: Wager, shmager! That’s my woman! Get yer own!

*Lucifer simply laughs as he flies off with Beatrice, heading deeper into the dead forest. Gritting his teeth, Dante sprints after them. But as he chases after them, three familiar figures leap out in front of him and start circling him.

She-Wolf: Hi Dante. Remember us?

Dante: Oh, ya flea taxis picked the wrong day!

*The leopard leaps at Dante from behind, but Dante simply elbows it in the face. The lion and the she-wolf rush towards him. Unimpressed, Dante swings at both beasts, cleaving them both in two. Spinning on his heels, Dante buries his scythe in the leopard’s head before it can get up. All three dismembered beasts lie in pools of their own blood. Growling, Dante slices through their carcasses, cutting them into smaller pieces.

Dante: This time, take tha hint!

Beatrice: Dante! Hurry, please!!

*Dante resumes his pursuit of Lucifer. But the prince of darkness is just a speck on the horizon, high up in the sky. Dante watches as Lucifer flies towards a small church. As he approaches the church, a wailing siren can be heard off in the distance. Portions of the church begins to peel and flake away as other chunks just simply rot off, hitting the ground like slush. As the church decays before Dante’s eyes, he can see a blood red gate covered in dark glowing runes set in dark red stone take shape. Though made of stone, the gates pulsate and almost as though they're alive. Slowly, the gates swing open as Lucifer glides towards them.

Beatrice: Don't let me go, Dante!! Don't leave me!!

Dante: BEAATTRICCEE!!

Lucifer: Hoho, Dante. I'm afraid you're a day late and a dollar short.

*Lucifer and Beatrice fly through the gate as it swings shut.

Dante: Noooooo!!!

Lucifer: Don't worry, Dante. Beatrice'll be in good hands for all eternity. If you want to see her again...Just knock...

*Dante tries to pry the gates open and flings himself at them, but they don't budge.

Dante: Yeah, big man!! Come on out here 'n face me like ya've got a pair, Smokey!! I'll show ya who yer messin' with!!

????: What do you hope to accomplish by banging your fists and shouting insults at the sky?

Dante: *draws scythe* Who's there?!

*A ghostly man dressed in robes and holding a staff approaches him.

????: Do not fear, young knight. Forces on high have sent me here so that you will not have to make this journey alone.

Dante: That's nice. Who are ya?

????: I am Publius Vergilius Maro.

Dante: ...Come again?

????: Sorry. You would know me better as Virgil.

Dante: ...

Virgil: ...Famous Roman poet? Writer of the Georgics, Eclogues, and Aeneid?

Dante: ...

Virgil: Oh, come on! Aeneid was a total rip off of Homer's 'Odyssey ', and the Eclogues foretold the coming of Christ!

Dante: Oh yeah!! I remember ya now!! Aeneid was tha bes' skinflick I've ever seen! The part where Aeneas ‘n his whole crew gangbang Juno?! Outta this world! Oh, man! Bailey Onyxxx never looked hotter than she did in that one scene!

Virgil: Honestly, Dante! Read a book! And writing pornos was the only work I could get when I was just starting out!

Dante: ...So yer NOT here to give me yer autograph...

Virgil: There are more pressing matters than whatever hardcore pornos are going on in your head right now. If you're truly serious about rescuing Beatrice, then only your faith and your devotion will redeem you.

Dante: *blinks slowly*

Virgil: ...You're going to need to pray.

Dante: *blinks* Puh-ray...?

Virgil: ...Oh boy...Just watch and learn.

*Virgil sighs as he gets on his knees.

Virgil: Oh merciful, heavenly creator. Please give Dante the strength and conviction he needs to save his beloved from this cruel and wrongful fate.

Dante: ...Who the hell were ya talking to??

Virgil: Just try it yourself, Dante.

*Dante pulls out his cross cannon and holds it in front of him as he gets on his knees and clasps his hands.

Dante: Hey, ummmm...uhhhhh....

Virgil: *whipsers* God. Or Jesus. Either one will work.

Dante: *snaps fingers* God! And Jesus, too. Why not. ...Why doncha get off yer lazy asses 'n help me get my woman back!! I can't do this myself!

...

Virgil: ...Smooth, Dante. Real smooth.

Dante: Ah, screw it. I'll give ya five bucks.

*A hand reaches out from the door and opens up expectantly. Dante reaches into his pocket and hands it a fiver and the doors swing open.*

Dante: So praying costs me five bucks a pop? What a rob.

Virgil: ...This is going to be a long spiritual quest for redemption.

*Dante rushes through the gates as they slam shut behind him. No more than ten feet in front of him is a churning pit of fire as far as the eye can see. Dante watches as screaming naked human forms fall through the flames, screaming in unfathomable agony.

Virgil: It's not going to get colder for you, Dante.

*Scowling, Dante rears up and leaps off the ledge, shrugging off the sweltering heat. As he falls through the pit, the flames turn darker and blacker until Dante is consumed by darkness...

End Act I