Cossack's Comrades

Canto II: Limbo

First Circle

*Dante reawakens at the bottom of a jet black canyon with jagged walls. Orange, black and red molten rock flow down the rocks like scalding tears. High up in the sky, Dante can see the burning forms of various condemned falling down from the sky as they enter Hell, wailing in torment.

Virgil: Take a good look, Dante. This is as pretty as Hell gets.

Dante: Swell. So whadda I have ta look forward to?

Virgil: We are near the shores of Acheron, just outside of Hell itself. All the sinners in all of creation wash up here. From those who are guilty of carnal sins, to those who committed violent sins, to those guilty of malicious sins..

Dante: ‘N now Beatrice, too.

*Dante grabs his scythe and slings it over his shoulder.

Dante: One thing I don’t get is, what’s in this fer ya? Why are ya so interested in guidin’ me?

Virgil: From my dwelling within Limbo, I heard a beautiful maiden calling out to me. She asked me that should you go astray, to meet you at the Gates of Hell and guide you through the depths of the Inferno so that you may find redemption..

Dante: Beatrice sent ya??

Virgil: In all the years my spirit has wandered the face of creation, never have I met a maiden as fair and pure as hers.

Dante: Yer thinkin’ ‘bout castin’ us in yer skin flick, arencha?

Virgil: I told you I don’t write that smut anymore!

Dante: Oh.

*Dante turns and walks off, leaving Virgil behind.

Virgil: Sigh...I suppose I could give you two a shot. But you’ll have to audition first, like everyone else.

Dante: We’re okay with that!! Alright then, lead the way, Virg!

Virgil: It’s what I’m here for, Dante. But really, there’s only one way to go.

*Virgil leads Dante down a path towards a mist-covered river. As they draw closer, they come to a ferry resembling a floating chariot being boarded by a multitude of damned. The ferry itself is a horrible fusion of man and vessel, dwarving the houses in Dante’s village. A twisted figure ostensibly resembling a man appears as though he is growing out of the massive bow, his skin the same dark, charred, gnarled texture as his ship.

Charon: Through me, savages! To the city of woe! Through me to the city of Woe! I shall carry you to the fire, the cold and the everlasting torment! Abandon all hope ye who enter here!

*Dante cackles as he watches a multitude of damned souls board Charon.

Dante: Heh, heh, heh, heh...Suckers.

Virgil: You find something funny about their eternal fate?

Dante: If only these nitwits signed up for the crusades. They would’ve gotten a clean slate! I know I did!

*Three years ago, prior to the crusades, Dante and several other crusaders are in a cathedral, kneeling before a bishop as he blesses them.

Bishop: Mercenaries of the Heavens, Soldiers of God, in exchange for reclaiming the holy lands of Nonsteropolis, I hereby declare your sins…ABSOLVED!!

Dante: So we’re all absolved?? Hot dog! Blank check, boys! Let’s rape, pillage, murder and rape!

Francesco: You said rape twice.

Dante: I like rape.

Beatrice: *glares at Dante*

Dante: Oh, right. Sorry, babe. I won’t be raping no one. Unless you’re with me first.

Beatrice: That’s more like it! *kisses Dante on the cheek*

Francesco: Wait, Dante, how do you know he can just absolve all our sins just like that?

Dante: Ya callin’ a bishop a liar? That’s heresy, little man.

Francesco: That’s assuming he really is a bishop! For all you know, that’s just some hobo they paid to dress up like a priest!

Bishop: That’s absurd! They haven’t paid me anything yet!

Dante: Is your brother always like this?

Beatrice: You have no idea. Try to keep an eye on him while you two are pillaging, okay?

Dante: It’s a tall order, but I’ll do what I can.

Francesco: Oh yes, Beatrice. I know you’re trying to watch me. Every day...Every night...

Dante: ...That got kinda creepy.

Beatrice: *whispers into Dante’s ear* I slipped a couple of his pills in your cross cannon. You’re going to need them.

*Present time.

Virgil: You really think that’s how it works, Dante?

Dante: I’ll show ya what’s what!

*Dante and Virgil try to board Charon, but the ferry turns his hollow gaze towards the crusader.

Charon: Be gone! Living savages have no business amongst savages who are damned!

Dante: *raises his scythe* Tell that ta Beatrice, ya overgrown fruitloop! I’m comin’ aboard, whether ya like it or not.

Charon: My job is not to ferry the living like some simple tour bus! Return once you’ve properly shuffled off your mortal coil like everyone else, you selfish savage!

Dante: Ya ain’ the boss of me!

Virgil: Okay Dante. Just let me do the talking from now on, okay?

*Virgil steps forward in front of Dante and addresses the Ferryman.

Virgil: Let him board, Charon. It is wanted there where the power lies.

….

Charon: Very well. I suppose exceptions could be made if he’s here on divine grounds and-SHYEEAAGGHHH!!

*Dante inexplicably blasts his way through Charon’s hull..

Virgil: What was that for?? He was already going to let us onboard!

Dante: Oh, he was? Huh. I didn’t think he was gonna listen. But hey! We’re onboard either way, right?

Charon: GET HIM!!

*A horde of demonic minions and fallen angels rush out of Charon to battle Dante, wielding whips and jagged, burning swords.

Minions: Strip the flesh from the mortal’s bones!!

*But Dante easily blasts and slashes them aside with his cannon and his scythe. After slaughtering his way past the demons, he scampers up to the top deck of the ferry.

Dante: Now take me to Beatrice, asswipe!

Charon: Do I look like I even know who that is, savage??!

Dante: Fine! We’ll do this the hard way!

*Dante leaps up and drives his scythe into Charon’s skull.

Charon: KYAAAGAGGHH!!

*The whole chariot quickly slams into the jagged walls. Dante tries to pull his scythe out of Charon’s head, but it won’t budge. Charon starts swerving out of control as Dante yanks his head about. As Dante struggles with the scythe, another horde of demonic minions emerge from below decks.

Minions: Stop that, you crazy idiot! You’ll sink the ship!

*Unable to pull his scythe free, Dante takes out his cross cannon and blasts the demons aside with ease. One of them reaches Dante and smashes him with a morning star, sending him flying into his scythe, tilting it to the right.

Dante: Whoa!!

Minion: AHHHHH!!

*Dante and the minion both start sliding off the ferry as it starts tipping over. Dante grabs his scythe and hangs on by the handle. The minion however, falls of the side of the ship, sinking beneath the river’s misty depths. Just as Dante’s grip begins to slip, Virgil reaches out and grabs him.

Virgil: I’ve got you!

*Virgil pulls Dante on top of the ferry.

Dante: ‘Bout time ya jumped in, buddy! Where were ya?!

Virgil: I’m a spirit, Dante. I’m about as badass as Casper the Ghost. Besides, you started it.

Dante: So all yer good fer is exposition ‘n settin’ the mood, huh?

Virgil: Yeah, basically.

Dante: I can tell already this place is gonna piss me off.

Virgil: It’s not Hell for nothing, Dante. Now are you going to get take control of the ferry before it crashes or what?

*Dante grabs his scythe and pulls it towards the left, turning Charon’s head to the left and pulling the chariot out of its lurch.

Virgil: There. Now we should have safe passage to first Circle of Hell, Limbo.

Dante: Hang on, I got an idea...

*Dante tilts his scythe forward, causing Charon to speed up.

Dante: Alright!

Virgil: No, Dante! Wait!

*Dante pushes his scythe as far forward as he can, until Charon reaches breakneck speeds.

Virgil: Dante?! What are you doing?

Dante: Ha ha! We’re flyin’ now!

*Meanwhile, the shades who didn’t fall off the deck are holding on for dear life..

Damned: AAGGGHHH!! Is this part of the torture??

*Dante steps on the gas as the ship suddenly smashes through a stone gate, leading into a grassy meadow and pasture that seems wildly out of place compared to the rest of Hell.

Virgil: Dante! We’re already in Limbo! You don’t have to drive like a maniac anymore!

Dante: Screw you! We’re makin’ good time!!

*Dante revs the engine as the floating chariot suddenly jumps off the river and zooms along the meadow towards a castle off in the distance. Several of the dwellers frantically try to get out of the way before they get splattered into road pizza.

Electra: What the-AHHHHH!!!

*Electra gets splattered over the front of Charon as Dante runs over more Limbo dwellers.

Virgil: Dante, pull over! No, don’t swerve into them!!

Dante: Who cares!! They’re heathens!! That’s why they’re in Hell!

Virgil: These are different, Dante! These are the virtuous pagans! They only reason why they’re not in Heaven is that they didn’t have the faith required to enter! They’re not actually being punished for anything! You can’t just-You can’t just do exactly what you’re doing right now!

*Dante runs over more virtuous pagans, and swerves towards a bunch of infants frolicking in the meadow grasses!

Virgil: No, not that the unbaptised babies! Dante, you maniac!!

Unbaptised Baby: WAAAHHHH!!!

*Several unbaptised babies go under Charon’s tires as the chariot rockets towards the castle. Virgil pushes Dante aside and tries to pull Dante’s scythe back before the chariot crashes into the front gates. But Charon rams through the castle gates head-on. The gates shatter into splinters as the ferry crumples like a tin can. Dante and Virgil get flung off the ship, tumbling further down into the castle halls. The force of the impact rips Charon’s head off, still stuck on Dante’s scythe.

Virgil: Oh my God...Look at what you did to my house, you crazy bastard!!

Dante: This is yer home??

Virgil: Well it was. Sigh...This WAS the the Hall of Kings,.home of the great rulers and philosophers such as myself who lived before the coming of Christ. Like all other dwellers in this circle, without faith in god, their souls could not achieve something greater than rational minds can think of. So here, they must reside, removed from God’s creation.

Dante: …Why is there a big banner that says ‘Outer Haven’ hangin’ over the doorway?

Virgil: Oh God. Socrates is off the wagon again. Stay close to me and make no sudden movements. He bites.

*Dante and Virgil and pass through a heavy set of wooden doors. On the other side, they find themselves in a vast, splendid parthenon made from splendid pearl, marble and alabaster. The temple is filled with a host of various ghostly historical figures Dante would've recognized if he'd paid attention in history class. In the center of the room, Socrates, Caesar, and Homer are having a heated philosophical debate.

Socrates: I’m telling you guys, once we're all living in Outer Haven, we won’t have a big, bloated government bossing us around, gun control will be a thing of the past (that way ATF will stop banging on my door), people will start taking responsibility for their health, local militias will keep us safe from the creeping threat of ATF, there’ll be strippers handing out free pizza, and we’ll be dancing around the maypole everyday! It’ll be the greatest!

Caesar: ...We know, Socrates. We know. We were with you the first three decades, but now we’re sick of hearing this crap.

Homer: And for the millionth time, we’re not calling this place Outer Haven. Take that stupid banner down already.

Socrates: Well, I’m sorry! I’m bored! What else are we supposed to do down here?!

Euclid: …We could throw another pirate festival.

Hector: Those things lost their magic after the first 500 years I was down here. What else do we got?

Caesar: Well, we could watch ‘Morrigan Aensland does New Orleans 2, the Sloppy Seconds’. Virgil got nominated for five woodies for it.

Homer: To hell with that! That little prick totally ripped that off from my Illiad!

Euclid: ...Which you ripped off from your mother's bedtime stories.

Hector: Whatever you guys do, please don’t trash my bar again. I just got it the way I like it.

Dante: They ain’ quite as intellectual as I pictured.

Virgil: Yeah, history sort of whittled it down to the gems.

????: I always knew you belonged down here. But down in this circle?? Is this Lucifer's way of mocking me?

Virgil: Do you know this shade, Dante?

Dante: Hmmmm….

*Three years ago, Dante is liquored up and rampaging through the streets of Nonsteropolis.

Dante: Hahahaha!! Suck it, you heathen asswipes!! This city is ours!!

*Dante runs down the street, gunning down Nonsteropolis forces left and right. Several of them try to take cover, but another blast from Beatrice’s cannon sends them flying like rag dolls.

Dante: Man, it’s like shootin’ fish in a barrel! These heretics don’ stand a chance!

Saladin: Stop this madness, vile knight!

Dante: Outta my way, boompa! Unless ya wanna wind up like the rest of yer men, here!

Saladin: You drunk idiot! The battle’s at the other end of the city! This is a playground you’re shooting up, you psychopath!

Dante: Well ‘cuse me if yer forces suck so much I can’t tell the difference!

Saladin: You’re a monster!

Dante: ..So the battle’s over thataway, right? *points in a random direction*

Saladin: YES!

Dante: Much obliged!

*Dante stabs Saladin in the face with his bayonet and charges in the general direction of the battle, still shooting up houses along the way. Back in the depths of Hell....

Dante: Bah, I coulda done that ta anyone. Yer gonna hafta narrow it down. Oh, wait a minute...

*Trying to jog his memory, Dante nonchalantly jabs his scythe into the shade's face. The shade screams just before the blade obliterates his skull

Dante: Oh yeah!! Heya, Saladin! What’s up, buddy?

Saladin: GYAAAHAAKACCKKK!!

*Saladin’s soul turns jet black and crumbles to smoldering dust.

Dante: Sheesh, ya don' hafta be a prick 'bout it!

*Suddenly a mob of unbaptised babies swarm into the castle!

Large unbaptised baby: Where’s the maniac who drove that monstrosity over my brethren??

Dante: Okay, I think I’ve worn out my welcome.

*Dante exits the castle and bars the doors shut as a swarm of unbaptised babies swarm the hapless noble rulers and philosophers. Once he’s outside, he find himself in a ruined citadel amidst a dark, jagged landscape.

Dante: Alright Casper, the exposition ghost, tell me somethin’ useful ‘bout this place.

Virgil: Dante, I'm so disgusted with you, I don't even want to talk to you.

Dante: Alright, fine. I’ll figure this out myself.

*Just up ahead is a towering half serpent, half woman. From her ruined, dark flesh-colored outfit, it’s clear she was once a powerful ruler. But her facial features have all but melted away, leaving only her mouth, her nose and forked tongue. Her snake-like tail winds and slithers around countless pillars as the damned file in before her.

Minos: Come forth all ye sinners! Bring your sins before me so that I can...I can uh...Well, I guess what I'm trying to say is, I just want to make sure you all are punished in the right circle of Hell. Now come along! One at a time, there's no need to push!

Damned: .....

*The damned are all trying to stand a good arm's length away from Minos as she picks up a screaming shade in her scaly claw. Holding her up to her nose, Minos gives her a sniff.

Minos: Lust!! ...If...If that's okay with you...

Shade: NO!!

Minos: Okay!!

*Minos impales the shade on a spiked wheel and spins it down a hole. She grabs another one, puts it up to her nose and smells it.

Minos: Uhhh....Violence?? Did I get it right?

Shade: Oh god please!! Help me!!

Minos: Yay! I got it right!

*Minos throws this shade on another spiked wheel and flings it down another pit. Reaching down, she grabs another shade and gives it a sniff.

Minos: Uhhhh...Can you help me out a little? Were you a glutton? Or a hoarder? I kinda have trouble telling the two apart.

Shade: This is all a mistake!! I shouldn't be here!! Please!!!

Minos: Okay! Greed it is! Ahem. I mean...For your greed, avarice and your...Uh..Money hogging...I uh...cast you into the circle of...Well...Greed.

*Minos casually spikes him on another wheel and flings him down to the Circle of Greed. As Minos judges the damned, a foot long Subway’s steak and cheese sandwich hits her in the back of the head.

Minos: Hey! Who keeps doing that??

Dante: Oh, I get it! That old bag is the Judge of Hell! One sniff, ‘n she knows what sin yer guilty of, ‘n she tosses ya into the correspondin’ circle of Hell! The next circle of Hell must be right past her fat, slithery ass. Did I get it?

Virgil: Sure. Why not.

Dante: Well, since I’ve been absolved, I can just walk right by her into the next circle! No fuss, no muss!

Virgil: Good luck with that.

*Dante whistles a merry tune and tries to walk past Minos. But the judge slams her snake tail in front of him, cutting him off.

Minos: Arrogant damned! You dare...You dare...Uh...Cutting in line?! Do you have any idea how rude that is?

Dante: Don’ worry Judge Judy, it’s cool. My record’s as clean as a whistle. Pay me no mind. Nuthin’ to see here!

*Dante tries to stroll past Minos again, but the judge ensnares him with her serpent tail and gives him a sniff. As soon as she smells him, she immediately gags and clutches her throat and gasping for breath.

Minos: GAAACCKK!! ACCCKKK! I think I’m gonna be sick! Ugghhh…!

*Minos drops Dante as she puts a hand over mouth, her cheeks swelling up. Leaning over the entrance to next circle of Hell, she starts booting and puking up a storm.

Dante: What’s wrong with you?

Minos: Uggghh...I’ve never...I’ve never...Uh, wait a second. Never have I smelled a soul as wretched and sinful as yours! Uh...Wait hold on a second…

*Minos pauses and thinks back a second.

Minos: Nope. You definitely take the cake. I’m not even sure which circle of Hell I should put you in. That’s never happened before!

Virgil: Do me a favor and don’t put him in circle of the Virtuous Pagans. I’m begging you.

Dante: Yer bullshittin’ me. The bishop absolved me! I’m as sweet and innocent as the day is long!

Minos: Oh boy, one of these types. That is uh...Foolish mortal! You ah, honestly believed that salesman of salvation?! No man can absolve you of your sins! Yeah, that sounded good!

Dante: Says you. Get outa my way. I’m gettin’ Beatrice back whether ya like it or not.

*Minos slams her fist down, blocking Dante.

Minos: Uhh...You can't just pick your own circle like that. That's not how it works. I mean, if everyone could do that, they'd all be partying in Lust with all the hookers, and I wouldn't have a job.

Dante: Did I sound like I was askin’?!

Minos: Hang on! Hang on! You’re looking for Beatrice, right? Maybe I can put you in the same circle as her. I-I mean, I can't if you're not guilty of the same sin she is, but I can try.

Dante: Say what now?!! Lady, where I come from, them's fightin' words!

Minos: What are you talking about-No!! I just want to do my job! Wait, I know! Maybe I can pull her out of whatever circle she’s in, let her commit any number of sins you're guilty of, and I can throw you both in the same pit! There! Everyone wins!

Dante: WHADDJA JUS' CALL ME?!

Minos: Uh...What??

Dante: OH THAT'S IT!! YER CRUISIN' FER A BRUISIN' YA BITCH!!

*Dante draws his scythe and swings at the judge like a maniac.

Minos: Was he even listening to me?

Virgil: I uh, don't think so.

*Forced to defend herself, Minos swings her tail about. But since she is technically blind, she can’t really see where he is. Meanwhile, Dante is having troubles of his own swinging his scythe.

Dante: What’s with this thing?! It feels like I’m swingin’ a bowlin’ ball!!

*Dante looks up and sees Charon’s head still stuck on his scythe.

Dante: Oh, right. You. Yer still hangin’ in there...?

Charon: Ugghh...Divine powers made me...Eternal I endure...Though I really wish I didn’t…

Dante: Alright, I can work wit this!

*Holding his scythe like a cudgel, Dante starts smacking Minos with Charon’s severed head on a stick. The blind judge can only weakly put up her hands and try to shield herself from the SAVAGE blows.

Minos: Hey! Halt! I command you! Quit it!

*Dante pushes Minos closer towards the edge of the precipice to the next circle of Hell. Eventually, the judge loses her footing and is sent tumbling over the edge of the cliff.

Minos: NOOOOOOO!!!!!

Dante: How do ya like me now!

*Dante pumps his fist as the serpentine judge fades into the abyss. As she vanishes from sight, Dante looks up at Charon’s severed head.

Dante: Alright, what am I gonna do with you…?

*Dante notices the spiked wheel Minos use to sentence the damned, as well as the mechanism that operates it. Sticking his scythe just over the wheel, Dante raises his foot over the switch.

Dante: Alright, ready?

Charon: NO!!

Dante: Okay!

*Dante steps on the switch and lowers Charon’s head into the spinning wheel. The wheel shreds Charon’s head to itty-bitty shreds. And several more not-so-itty-bitty, jagged shreds that scatter and impale a few unfortunate shades here and there.

Dante: Alright! We’re back in business! That’s the way into the next circle, right?

*Dante points to a large chain suspended over a chasm filled with a raging storm.

Virgil: Sigh...Yes...

Dante: Sweet! We’re kickin’ ass!

*Dante climbs down the chain. Virgil just rubs his nose and shakes his head as he watches Dante descend down the chain with much gusto.

Virgil: Okay...This is just the first circle. He can redeem himself yet...Even though it’s too late to fix my home.

*Virgil sighs and floats down the chain behind him. Meanwhile, back in the Hall of Kings...

Large unbaptised baby: *wearing Socrates’ head as a crown* Now that we can turn this circle into a paradise for our fellow brethren, we should do away with this pesky gun control, and put our safety into the hands of local militias who I promise aren’t just a bunch of heavily-armed rednecks, and then…

Unbaptized Baby: *wearing Casear’s head as a hat* Oh, god. Here he goes again…

Unbaptized Baby: *wearing Hector’s head as a hat* Ah, man! The bar’s trashed?! This place sucks already!

End Canto II

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