Cossack's Comrades

Cossack's Comrades Season 1 Epilogue 21
“Ballade's Battlers!”

By Geoff (Dive Man)

Narrator: The unthinkable has occurred!! The Citadel is under a coordinated attack from the Comrades’ worst enemies!

Ballade: (firing his ballade crackers) At last!! I shall have my revenge!!

Napalmman: There’s nowhere for you to hide this time, you pissant little commies!!

Diveman: Damnit!! These fuckers are all over me!!

Ringman: You’re telling me!! I don’t even know how they’re pulling this off!!

Crystalgirl: Where do you think you’re going, little guy? You think that’s going to save you?

Gravityman: Ooh, I’ve been looking forward to this for over fifteen years now…

Ballade: And I’ve been waiting even longer!! (fires some more) Taste my fury, Comrades!

Brightbabe: Somebody help!! They got me in a corner!

Skullman: They got all of us in a corner. And sadly, even I don’t quite understand how they did it.

Drillman: Damnit! This can’t be how we all go out!!

Starman: Oh, everyone’s luck has to run out sooner or later, my pointy-headed friend. If you indulge me the obvious euphemism, but even you can get screwed.

Waveman: Kyahahahaha!! Whaddaya say, Cap’n! Should we put ‘em out of their misery?

Ballade: No!! That honor belongs to me!! (shoots at Waveman)

Napalmman: Pipe down, cheesedick! Don’t you dare spoil this for me!! (turns back to the Comrades) Alright pinkos, time for you to say your prayers!

Dustman: …Here it comes…

Diveman: …This is gonna suck…

*Now at Napalmman’s mercy (or whatever passes for mercy for Napalmman) the Comrades all brace themselves, as he plays his trump cards.

Napalmman: (slaps a bunch of cards down on the table) Alright, I spend one wood, one clay and one weapons-grade plutonium to buy a neutron bomb to wipe out Diveman’s ore mines. Screw you, Blue October.

Diveman: Damnit!!

Skullman: Aren’t dice supposed to be rolled here?

Napalmman: Don't tell me how to play this game, Boner! And I’m also playing my missile defense satellite network card to unleash my full nuclear arsenal on Drillman’s clay pits…

Drillman: What?? HOW?!?

Napalmman: …That’s good for another seven victory points, plus the fifteen I’ll get arming Chargeman’s insurgents to rape and pillage Ringman’s sheep farm, and blow Pharaoh’s oil refinery.

Chargeman: YAAAAYYY!! That give us enough points to win!!

Gyroman: Awesome!! Undefeated ‘Settlers of Catan’ champions, right here!

*The Ascendant Androids all high five each other, as the Comrades look on dumbfounded.

Diveman: …What bullshit version o' Settlers o' Catan were ya assholes playin’??

Gravityman: Uh? The correct version??

Waveman: The fun version? Take your pick.

Dustman: …Most people don’t play it by invading other peoples’ settlements.

Ringman: …Or setting up camps to ‘cleanse’ our settlements.

Pharaoh Woman: And everything Napalmman and Waveman were doing…Just….No…

Bright Babe: *sniff* …Those poor port townsfolk in Pharaoh’s city…

Skullman: Not only was it deplorable, it did not even compute on any level.

Crystalgirl: Yeah well, that’s what you get when you waste time ‘trading’ and ‘developing’ when you should’ve been ‘enslaving’ and ‘conquering’ like any sane person would.

Skullman: Again, that is not how the game is meant to be played. The rules say as much.

Starman: Well, you can do it the rulebook’s way, or you can do it the right way. I think we learned which way works better.

Chargeman: ….Did we leeeearn something tooodayy? Normally Charge need pretty sharp lady to tell us what Charge today.

Stoneman: Either way, we had fun tonight, and you did too.

Pharaoh Woman: Uhhhh…Sure. Of course we did.

Ballade: Fools! I will be the final victor today!!

*Ballade keeps firing away at the skull barrier holding him in place. The barrier is lowered as Skullman is distracted with his chat with Crystalgirl and Starman, and Ballade charges into the room, firing madly at both the Comrades and the Androids.

Diveman: Ugghhh…Slightly less fun now…

Drillman: Damnit, Skull! Why did you let him out of the skull barrier?!

Skullman: What about this made you think it was intentional?

Drillman: I’ll be the judge as to whether or not it was intentional…

Dustman: But more importantly, now we got to deal with him.

Gyroman: Why the hell haven’t you guys dealt with him already?!

Diveman: It ain’t my turn. I did it last time.

Ringman: I did it the time before that.

Bright Babe: It’s not my turn, is it? I thought Pharaoh goes before me.

Pharaoh Woman: By my royal decree…It is so not my turn!!

Dustman: I think it is, actually.

Pharaoh Woman: ....Is not!! Didn't you hear my decree?

Ballade: I’ll take you all on! Let our rivalry resume and end here!

*Ballade fires more ballade crackers, but Brightbabe tries blinding him with her flash stopper. Most of his shots go wild, but one of them hits the table, destroying the board game.

Waveman: Oh, that dick!!

Napalmman: Well, if you assholes aren’t going to clean up your own mess, then I guess we will! Androids, get that purple pussy out of my sight!!

Ballade: You arrogant fools!! Do you know who you’re dealing with-ACCCKKK!!!

*Several jagged crystals and stones imaple Ballade, pulling him in opposite directions!

Crystalgirl: Alright, bro. You know the drill. Whoever breaks off a larger piece has their wish come true.

Stoneman: You’re on!

Starman: Who cares. Just shut him up!!

*A solar flare bursts out of Starman’s chest, scorching the capture Ballade while Gyroman and Napalmman pile on with their assorted weapons.

Crystalgirl: HEY! You're going to make our wishes not come true!

Napalmman: Don’t care! I’ve known this asshole for less than an hour, and I want him dead more than Vulcan!!

Gravityman: Wow. This putz really has you pissed off. Not that I blame you.

Chargeman: MYYY TURRRRNNN!!

*Chargeman grabs Ballade slams him into the ground repeatedly before throwing him out a window.

Chargeman: Diiiiidd I wiiiinnnn…? Does Charge wisssssh come truueee…?

Stoneman: Seriously, why haven't you killed this guy yet?

Drillman: Believe me, we try. You can't keep this guy down. He’s like Wile E. Coyote.

Dustman: He's been around longer than most of our team.

Pharaoh Woman: I do not know how you dealt with him for so long, my fellow ruler. For one needs the patience of Osiris to…To…Put up with his bullshit. There, I said it.

Gyroman: What’s his deal, anyway?

Ringman: Payback. The usual.

Stoneman: For what?

Diveman: Stoppin’ his bullshit garden variety evil villain schemes. Who knows! I jus’ thump on 'im til he goes away.

Crystalgirl: But he's always had it out for you guys, even before he became a poor man’s Bass. Don’t you know why? At least Torchman has a reason for hating the Mechs.

Ringman: No, we always hear about the revenge. But we've never heard why.

Drillman: You would like us to believe that, wouldn’t you John? But while you’ve been siphoning everyone else’s memories while they sleep, mine remain intact!

Pharaoh Woman: Do tell. Now I’m intrigued.

Drillman: He’s possessed by our former Ringman, who John murdered in cold blood so he could take his spot. Now he plots to resurrect his dark god and benefactor, the yellow king, he-who-must-not-be-named-but-almost-certainly-in-league-John-as-well, so he can plunge this world into chaos and madness.

…..

Napalmman: What the fuck was that shit?!

Diveman: …It’s Boss’s way o' saying he don’t know, neither.

Drillman: At least I made an educated guess! We’ve already established that John is to some varying degree, at the root of Ballade’s madness.

Ringman: ...Thank you, Drill. Not constructive, and pointless, as always.

Dustman: Wait! Wait!! I remember now!! Ballade thinks it’s our fault he couldn’t beat Megaman!

Gyroman: How?? Nobody could back in the day. Hell, Wily gave it his best shot on a day-to-day basis, and couldn’t pull it off. Why isn’t Ballade mad at him?

Crystalgirl: Or better yet, take your rage out on the guy who humiliated you. Even Bass and Torchman have that much common sense.

Dustman: He said Megaman was too powerful.

Waveman: Bah. What a chicken!!

Drillman: It's a moot point, either way. Megaman's gone. Or so we're led to believe...*.

*See Mechanical Maniacs Series 9, Needle and Shadow’s Excellent Adventure!

Skullman: Regardless, Ballade hasn't beaten us in over twenty years. So I don't know why he thinks we're the easier mark. And how come he hasn't bothered any of you? (points to the Androids) I’d assume he’d be just as resentful towards you, as well.

Starman: Hmmm. Well, we haven’t been around as long as you have. And by the time we were, you and he were far too intimately acquainted.

Stoneman: Though, you’d think he’d have some beef with us, or at least our original counterparts…

Waveman: Again, chicken!! Bawkbawkbawkbawk!!

Ringman: Hmmm…I feel like we're missing something here. If we're his archenemies, it'd be nice to at least understand why.

Diveman: What's ta figure out? It makes sense ta him. Crazy logic fer a crazy bastid, plain 'n simple. All yer gonna do is drive yerself crazy thinkin' 'bout it.

Skullman: Insanity is also following the same plan and expecting different results. Clearly, there is more to Ballade that we don't understand.

Kalinka: Well, we can’t go another twenty years like this. What we're doing right now isn't working. And if understanding his motivation can give us fresh perspective as how to deal with him for good, I'm all for it.

*Ballade crashes through the window next to the one he was thrown out of, wrist cannons blazing!

Ballade: It's too late for that! Your time has run out!

Napalmman: ...Not my turn to deal with him.

Crystalgirl: Or mine.

Pharaoh Woman: Awwww...Do I have to repeat my royal decree? Have you no respect for the laws laid out by your divine-

Kalinka: Just throw him out already, Pharaoh!!

Pharaoh Woman: Awwwwww...Lame.

Chargeman: Wait, if he back, that Charge no get wish! Now Charge never get to kiss purdy sharp lady! Chaaaarge saaaaaaadd...

*Later, at Porter C. Powell’s Research Facility…

Ballade: (Holding a glass container) Finally!! With the power of this new energy source at my fingertips, the Comrades won’t stand a chance against me! And I will at long last have my long-awaited revenge!

Burke: First off, that’s actually my chocolate macaroon tea you have there. Give that back. Second off, we don’t have you pulling off any staged attacks on our base until July. So go home.

Kyrptoman: Actually, I just checked your schedule. Powell rescheduled that to August thirteenth.

Ballade: YOU?! What are you doing here?!

Kyrptoman: Oh, hey. I’m her assistant now.

Ballade: This is pathetic! You have the power to assimilate everything in this lab, and yet here you are as some lackey?! How do you expect to beat the Comrades like this?!

Kyrptoman: Who cares about beating them? Burke and I are happy using them as our own personal puppets. Burke’s had them on a string this whole time, and they don’t even know it. We’ll dispose of them when the time is right. It’s called ‘having a plan’. Try it sometime. And you’re not part of ours until August thirteenth.

Burke: Actually, I just remembered. The thirteenth is no good for me. That’s when my conference in Cleveland is.

Kyrptoman: Well, we can push it back until the twenty-third.

Ballade: Push it back!?

Burke: Two days before I go on vacation? What's the point?

Kyrptoman: Ah, good point. Guess you can just take the rest of the summer off, Ballade.

Ballade: No!! My revenge shall not be postponed any longer! I demand action!

Burke: Who do you think you are?? We don’t answer to you. And I’m not even clear on why you hate the Comrades that much.

Kyrptoman: You know, that’s a good question. I never asked….Cossack do you know?

*A panel on Kryptoman’s chest opens up, revealing Dr. Cossack’s pulsating brain!

Ballade: Gah?! What the hell?

KryptoCossack: BAH! What did you awaken me for?! I wanted to know why Ballade hates the Comrades as much as he does. BAH! How should I know?! Is he STILL moaning and groaning about getting revenge?! Doesn't he have anything better to do?

Ballade: It is my right!

*Ballade angrily points his wrist cannons at Burke’s face.

Ballade: If you’re not going to make me anything for me to use against the Comrades, then what good are you?

*KryptoCossack blasts Ballade with a ballade cracker, knocking him aside!

Ballade: What?! How did you-

KryptoCossack: Yeah, I assimilated your power while we were talking.

Burke: And on that note, you’ve officially worn out your welcome.

*Burke nimbly kicks Ballade in the face, sprawling him out. She then throws Ballade down the garbage chute and goes back to her research.

Burke: …Ugh. I forgot to get my tea back from him…

*Later, in downtown Moscow…

Ballade: Hahahahaha, the POWER! The raw fury of becoming one with the shroob! This is the power I have long sought! Now the Comrades don’t stand a chance!

Shroob: ????♒♋❒♑♏✏ Destroy! W♏ ⬥♓●● ♍□■❑◆♏❒ ⧫♒♓⬧ p●♋■♏⧫ ♋■♎ ♍●♋♓❍ ♓⧫ ♋⬧ □◆❒ ■♏⬥ ♒□❍♏✏ Destroy!

Ballade: Come, Comrades! Face me, and face oblivion and retribution!!

????: Stay where you are, you creep!

Ballade: Hmph! Kept me waiting long enough, Comrades!

Splash Woman: You are bound by law to stand down!

Magmaman: We’re going to burn you to ashes, you sick freak!

Jewelman: Don’t let any of them touch me. I don’t want to catch whatever they have.

…..

…..

Ballade: …Who are-You-you aren’t the Comrades!! Who are you people?!

Tornadoman: Ha! We’re better than the Comrades! We’re the Sterling Sentinels, RPD’s Pride and Joy!

Ballade: I didn’t ask for RPD’s Pride and Joy! I asked for the Comrades! Are they coming or not?!

Concreteman: We never needed help from those has-been pinkos to get the job-

*Ballade furiously fires a barrage of mushroom-shaped ballade crackers at the Sentinels.

Ballade: ARE THE COMRADES COMING OR AREN’T THEY?!

….

Galaxyman: …Kalinka said over the phone that the Comrades were already out on another mission.

Plugman: …Though I could’ve sworn I heard Diveman and Pharaoh Woman playing Bomberman in the background…

Splash Woman: -But we’re more than happy to finish what they started! Then we’ll show those Ruskie assholes how REAL professionals get the job done!

….

*Ballade screams in fury as he punches a wall and fires ballade crackers in every random direction.

Ballade: This is getting insulting! First, the Comrades don’t have the decency to DIE like they’re supposed to. Then, one day, out of the blue, they just wake up and stop taking me seriously. And now, they’re sending YOU wannabes to do fight their battles?!

Jewelman: …Wannabes??

Ballade: …I turned myself into a cyborg-fungus crime against nature FOR THIS?!

Shroob: *sniff* …W♏ ⬥♓●● ♍□■❑◆♏❒ ♒♋❒♑♏✏ Destroy…

Tornadoman: …Well, if you turn yourself in, you could get a reduced sentence-

Ballade: (grabs Tornadoman) I have a fungus growing in the back of my throat! Do you think a reduced sentence means ANYTHING to man who always tastes mold every time he drinks a Pepsi?

Hornetman: Honestly, what kind of revenge would be worth…This?

Jewelman: Indeed, those Communist knock-offs aren't worth anybody's time.

Ballade: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!!

*Ballade slugs Jewelmman and blasts a hole through a wall and leaps through it.

Ballade: You poor deluded fools! You think that just because you're the best officers in RPD that means you're worthy of being MY opponents?!

Concreteman: ...Uhh, yeah?

Ballade: Ha! Pathetic fool! This has never been about you! There's no satisfaction in seeing you crushed beneath my heel. That was never my dream! Leave me!

*Ballade runs through the flames and disappears.

Plugman: …Well that was sporadic.

Galaxyman: Um? Why aren’t we going after him??

*The Sentinels run after Ballade before a UFO over their heads fires a purple beam down at them!

Shroob: W♏ ❍◆⬧⧫ ❒♏⧫❒♏♋⧫✏ Destroy! ❄♒♏⍓ ●♏♋❒■♏♎ □♐ □◆❒ ⬥♏♋&■♏⬧⬧✏ Destroy!

Tornadoman: Oh. Right. Them.

Magmaman: (Over his com) Comrades, I swear, if you really are just sitting at home, playing Bomberman, I’m going to wring your necks.

Skullman: (Over the com) You have nothing to worry about. We are sitting at home playing Mansions of Madness.

Magmaman: GRRRRRR!! (shuts off com.)

Skullman: …I said we weren't playing Bomberman…

*Later, Ringman is on the communicator, jotting down notes.

Ringman: …So Ballade didn’t tell any of you what he has against us?

Burke: …I wish I could help you. But I also wish I was sipping chocolate macaroon tea right now. So, life is full of disappointments.

Diveman: Tell me ‘bout it. You ‘n I were supposed to go out months ago, ‘n yet, still nuthin’.

Splash Woman: …He said something about not being able to reach his dream. But he took off right after that.

Pharaoh Woman: Ballade has a dream he’s reaching for? That’s something new…It is, right?

Drillman: …Personally, I’m more suspicious that John has his own spy network at his beck and call. What more haven’t you told us?

Ringman: If by ‘spy network’ you mean, ‘people we’ve previously worked with or are members of RPD’, then sure. I had it all along, and so did you.

Kalinka: But yeah. I’m now curious as to what Ballade would want other than seeing us dead.

Dustman: I know. It’s almost like he has a life outside of ours.

Skullman: I’m still trying to understand his inherently flawed logic. Either we succeeded in killing Megaman, and Ballade would never get a chance to fight Megaman, and blame us for stealing his glory. Or we didn’t, and we find ourselves in this situation. The outcome is the same.

Brightbabe: And again, why hasn't he ever bothered Megaman? You know, before he disappeared.

Drillman: We already know he didn’t think he could take Megaman in a fair fight.

Diveman: Ya guys are thinkin’ waaaaay too hard ‘bout this. It’s batshit crazy troll logic. Nuthin’ to it. End o’ story. Can we get back ta gamin' now?

Ringman: …Maybe we’re looking at this wrong way. What if he’s mad at us for letting him down, not for humiliating him?

Drillman: That’s absurd, I’d never be in league with anyone like Ballade. You, maybe. But me? Inconceivable.

Pharaoh Woman: Osiris breathed life to me only recently. How could I let him down? …Unless it was a past life…? Then I might feel kinda bad…

Ringman: …I can’t believe someone as vengeful as Ballade never wanted get even with Megaman. Even if he’s smart enough not to take Megaman on by himself…

*Ringman bolts up in his seat, as he suddenly has an epiphany.

Ringman: …By himself!

Drillman: What’s going on? Did you accidentally say your own sleeper agent activation phrase?

Ringman: No. Finally put two and two together!

Burke: Good. If you don’t need us for anything, I’m hanging up.

Splash Woman: …Before I hang up, did you really stay home and play Mansions of Madness while we did all your dirty work?

Diveman: Nah, we were playin' Betrayal on House on the Hill. Skull can' keep 'em straight.

Skullman: To my defense, you play both games the same way. Your character goes insane and tries to kill us all. Even if you're not the one who's supposed to go isnane. How's one supposed to tell them apart?

Diveman: Hey, ya want crazy, we can play Settlers of Catan wit the Androids 'gain.

Splash Woman: Grrrrrr!! When Crorq hears this, I swear-

*Diveman shuts Splash Woman's screen off as Burke logs off.

Dustman: Alright, John. What’s your hunch?

Ringman: First, we’ll need some help.

Kalinka: Who do you have in mind?

*Sometime later, after John's "help" arrives...

Napalmman: I seriously can’t fucking believe you got us to go along with this bullshit.

Stoneman: Nobody can.

Crystalgirl: Normally, I'd say this shit is your problem. But hey, your check cashed, so who are we to argue?

Ringman: Well, thanks for pitching in. Believe it or not, you guys are only chance to put this Ballade nonsense behind us, once and for all.

Drillman: I doubt it, John. This plan has treachery written all over it.

Skullman: For once, I aggree. It’s literally going to rip our team into two.

Toadman??: That's the least of our problems. How did you ever talk me into this?

Kalinka: Quit whining, Over-1. It's worth a shot.

Toadman??: Worth a shot? You built me to fight back against pan-dimensional threats as large as the Yellow King himself. Which I've been doing for the past six months. And here I am in the body of a robotic frog. I'm practically a ferrari, and yet you're using me like a golf cart.

Kalinka: There's nothing I can do about it. The only Toadman AI I can cook up such short notice is annoying at best. And a powerhungry demigod hopped up on magical cookies at his worst.

Diveman: Ya sure we can' get RaMoon ta turn Snakeman into Toadgal again? Or hell, we could haul Zapper's corpse 'round like somethin' outta 'Weekend at Bernie's'.

Kalinka: ...No, Dive. But considering our options, not your worst ideas.

Over-1: Hear the man out.

????: Ha! I knew you losers couldn't do this without me.

Dustman: Ballade?! Is he here already??

????: Guess again, hosers.

*A mysterious figure leaps out from the shadows, reavealling himself to be...

Toadman: Time to get this party started right!

Bright Babe: Flippy?!

Pharaoh Woman: By what curse, ill omen, or just plain bullshit are you doing here?! We locked you up in the robot asylum and threw away your key, fair and square! Go away!

Toadman: That's no way to talk to to the Toad who's putting the team back together, Pharaoh Babe. What you mean to say is, 'you're welcome'. After all, you can call a geek a prom king-

Over-1: Is he referring to me?

Diveman: Golf cart's looking pretty good now, ain't it ferrari?

Toadman: -But there can only be one Toad with attitude! Or should I say...Atti-Toad!

Pharaoh Woman: ...You crawled out through the ventalation shafts, didn't you?

Toadman: Nope! Septic system!

Stoneman: That explains the smell.

Kalinka: First off, Dive I owe you an apology. We really should've gone with your ''Weekend at Zappy's" idea. Second off, John, if your ingenious plan doesn't work, I'm tossing you in the same cell with Flippy.

Drillman: Just do it now before he wipes your brain and makes you forget this ever happened! Again!

Ringman: Look, just because the idea was crazy doesn't necessarily make me crazy. I hope.

*Speaking of crazy, Ballade blasts through the wall and steps through smoldering rubble, with a deranged grin on his face.

Ballade: Alright, Comrades! I hope you’re ready for the hurricane!

Brightbabe: …John…?

Ringman: …Here goes…

*Ringman steps forward and puts his arm around Ballade’s shoulder.

Ringman: Alright, boss. What’s the first thing you want our team to do?

Ballade: ….!!

*Ballade stops dead in his tracks and tilts his head quizzically.

Ballade: …Come again?

Ringman: You heard me. We’re on your team now. At least, Toad, Bright and Pharaoh are. Isn’t that right…?

Toadman: Oh boy!! I get to get some lackies? Or even a posse?? Awesome!

Brightbabe and Pharaoh Woman: …..

*Brightbabe and Pharaoh Woman remain silent until Ring nudges them.

Brightbabe: Ummm…Sure. Yeah. We’re teammates now…?

Pharaoh Woman: …If this is what the gods decree, then it will be done…But, are you sure this is what you decree…? I mean, it’s not too late to back out you know…

Ballade: ….

Ringman: So, yeah. What do you say?

Ballade: Are you mocking me?!

*Ballade grabs Ringman by his throat.

Ballade: Do you take me for a fool?! You honestly expect me to believe this isn’t some sort of trick?

Brightbabe: ….It’s not a trick. Or at least, nobody told me it was. We’re being serious. Apparently.

Ballade: Ha!! If you were serious, you’d have the other half of my team!!

Napalmman: Oh. Shit. Yeah. That’s us.

*Napalmman, Stoneman, Crystalgirl and Chargeman step forward.

Ballade: Impossible! You’re here, too?

Chargeman: Charge confuuusssed. Are we?

Napalmman: Yes, dumbass. We are.

*Ballade blinks slowly and sits down on the couch.

Ballade: …This…This can’t be real…

Ringman: It is, if you want it to be. We’re here, and we’re ready to help kick off your own Megaman team. Just say the word, and we’ll do it.

Ballade: …….

Napalmman: Look, cheesedick. We got better things to do than sit with our thumbs up our asses, waiting for you to make up your mind. Are we a team or aren’t we?

Ballade: ….Yes.

Drillman: What?!?

Dustman: It worked??

Diveman: …Pinch me.

*Ballade drops to his knees sobbing with joy.

Ballade: I-I don’t believe it! After all these years of denial, frustration and pain, you guys are willing to help me start my team!! I-I honestly thought it would never happen!

Stoneman: Oh. Good?

Drillman: I’m as shocked as you are. All this time, you just wanted your own Megaman team?

Ballade: …Is that so much to ask? Isn’t that what we do once Megaman beats us? Isn't that how we reach out to one another when Wily tosses us aside for his Evil Eight, or Mr. Whiz, or Wily Rescue Force? That's what everyone else was doing back then, and I wanted in.

Kalinka: …But our team formed before you could get yours off the ground.

Ballade: Wouldn’t you be jealous if you lost half your team before you even started? If you were in my shoes, you’d do the same thing!

Crystalgirl: And that’s why The Androids were never your priority. The Comrades had already shit on your dream by the time we showed up. Fair enough.

Brightbabe: If this was what it was all about, why didn’t you tell us?

Ballade: What difference would it make? Would you leave your team for another that hadn’t even started up yet?

Brightbabe: Oh, no. Not me. Never.

*Ballade scowls at Brightbabe as she tugs her collar.

Brightbabe: …Before today, that is…

Ballade: …But on that note, what made you change your minds?

Crystalgirl: Well, I already hate the team I'm on, down to the bone. Good luck doing worse than that. And even if you do, at least you, or somebody's gonna pay me for it.

Toadman: What’s to think about? This is Flippy’s one-way ticket to fame, free food, cold hard cash, respect, and all the babes I could ever deserve!

Ringman: …You won’t get any less than you do already.

Ballade: But now-Now I can finally move forward and do all the things I wanted to but couldn’t do on my own! The oath has been lifted! I feel satisfied! OH! It feels! So! GOOD!!

*Ballade throws his head back and raises his arms, tears dripping from his face.

Waveman: Alright, first order of business, new pair of pants for our new boss.

Gyroman: That’s not coming out of our pay, right? I don’t want to take a paycut every time this guy creams his pants.

Ballade: What are you talking about? You four (Points at Waveman, Gyroman, Starman and Gravityman) are not on my team.

Waveman: What?! Weak!! Discrimination! I call discrimination!

Gravityman: …And just after I put together this really elaborate plan to get myself kicked off the team, too.

Starman: No, no, no. I’m afraid you are mistaken. You see, I’m the main star. I’m the one who’s going to get this team the prestige and recognition it deserves. Don’t you know how this works?

Napalmman: Not, now Tinkerbell.

Skullman: So I suppose that means we are not on your team as well? (Points to himself, Drillman, Dustman and Diveman.)

Dustman: Thank god.

Diveman: Yer tellin’ me. But who the hell is lef' to be on our team? Gunker ‘n Over-1?? That’s bullshit.

Gunker: Gunker heard that.

Kalinka: Not exactly. I pulled a few strings and got a few replacements.

Skullman: …Who, might I ask?

*Suddenly, Shadowman, Geminiman, Sparkman and Snakeman enter the room. All but Spark look less than thrilled to be there.

Shadowman: Alright. What are we doing, and does it require me to show up and actually do something?

Snakeman: Just to be clear, I'm NOT on same the team as Toadman, right? RIGHT??

Kalinka: I gave it to you in writing. Why won’t you believe me?

Snakeman: For all I know, that’s a forged signature!! Dive could’ve signed that! See? Look! He’s smirking at me right now! Whatever he’s smiling about, it’s not good!

Drillman: Hm. I like how you think, Mech. You remind me of myself, if I let myself relax once in a while. What’s your secret, may I ask?

Sparkman: Whatever. You guys do whatever you need to do. Pharaoh and I got some oldschool gaming and bad movies to catch up on.

Skullman: Actually, Pharaoh’s on Ballade’s team.

Sparkman: Awww, you mean I’m wearing $80 Geir Ness cologne for nothing??

Geminiman: …It smells nicer than your usual Axe bodyspray.

Sparkman: Gem, if you're the only person I'm picking up with it, I want a refund.

Dustman: ...Is it such a hot idea for us to ally ourselves with wanted felons?

Diveman: C'mon, Dust. 'Wanted felon' is 'nother word fer 'hero'. The Good Book says so, itself. If we were saints fer stickin' it to The Man back in the day, then ya guys mus' be okay, too.

Shadowman: Great. Not only do I still want to murder Crorq in his sleep, I feel like wanting it has made me sink to your level. Thanks a bunch.

Kalinka: Focus, boys! As far as anybody knows, nobody here is a felon, or a 'hero' by Dive's standards. Just handful of Gamma's Disciples, filling in for the rest of my team as best as they can.

Geminiman: And what does that involve? Getting high and drunk, getting away with mass murder, and hitting on the Incredibles?

Skullman: It didn’t take you long to figure out our morning routine. Impressive.

Dustman: …The sad thing is, when you say it like that, it almost sounds like fun.

Kalinka: Actually, right now, there are a bunch of suzies on the rampage, seizing control over offshore oil platforms, and using them to power themselves up. And it looks like it’s up to you to sort it out.

Shadowman: Alright, no use just sitting around. the sooner we can get this cleared up, the sooner we can-

Geminiman: Go back to being fugitives wallowing in our own filth in a ruined city, filled with criminals who hate us?

Shadowman: -Take our time. I mean, we are being paid by the hour. We are being paid, right?

Kalinka: Off the books. But yes.

Shadowman: So yeah. Take our time.

Drillman: Who said YOU get to lead this team? Is this some sort of coup??

Geminiman: I can’t speak for Spark or Snake, but I’m not taking orders from you.

Snakeman: I’ll take orders from anyone gets me out before Flippy knows I’m here.

Diveman: I’m gonna hold ya ta that! Alright gang, let’s roll!

*Drillman, Dustman, Diveman and Skullman all take off with the Mechs, still arguing over who’s leading the team.

Ballade: Ha! Mere child’s play compared to the adventures the nine of us will have!

Toadman: That’s right! The sky is the limit! There’s nobody’s garbage we can’t eat out of, bedsheets we can’t sniff, or living rooms we can’t invite ourselves into! I can practically taste the excitement and used linens already!!

Chargeman: …Charge hope we do none of that…

Ballade: Ah, trust me, my lucky, loyal, servants. Our adventures will be the stuff legends are made out of! With my vision, tenacity and sheer might, and you get eagerness to bring those to life, nothing can stand in our way!

Stoneman: …Lucky loyal servant…?

Napalmman: …Yeah, paycheck or no paycheck, that’s the last fucking time you get to call me that.

Brightbabe: (Whispers to Ring) …We’re not going to regret this, are we?

Ringman: …Not more than having Ballade harass us for another 20 years.

Pharaoh Woman: …I’m still not okay with dividing our kingdom like this…Whatever lesson you’re trying to teach him, I hope it comes as swift as Osiris’s reckoning…

Ringman: Me too. I’m going to feel stupid if we find ourselves permanently stuck on a team with Ballade, Flippy, and the more psychotic, violent members of the Androids.

Ballade: What are you guys taking about back there?

Pharaoh Woman: Nothing, my liege!!

Narrator: And so, marks the dawn of a new band of heroes who will watch over us! Will they unite under the vision and leadership of one of their most annoying and tenacious enemies? Or will the deep-rooted grudges tear them apart?

Napalmman: Who the fuck was that guy?!

Ringman: Oh yeah, he comes and goes. Better get used to him.

Over-1: Can I go back into my real body now??

***

THE END

Cossack's Comrades

AM as Drill Man          Sean as Dust Man          Geoff as Dive Man

Jet as Bright Babe       Hunter as Skull Man

John as Ring Man       Avi as Pharaoh Woman       Flippy as Toad Man

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