By Geoff (Dive Man)
Narrator: Not all of the enemies of Ballade’s Battlers are closing in around them. Two of them are venturing deep beneath the city.
Hunter: I don’t know why you think I needed rescuing from those tyrants. The Uprising was in full swing!
Met Daddy: Don’t be fooled. I’ve tangled with these cretins before. Enough to know that a direct assault on them is doomed to fail. No matter how righteous of a cause it is.
Hunter: But why do you care about us? You don’t me. I don’t know you.
Met Daddy: As brief as it has been so far, I know enough of your uprising, your toils to know that your goals are one and the same. Your plight is our plight. Your enemies are our enemies. On our own, I fear we may not be enough to overthrow the tyranny of humans and androids. But together, we will win the day together!
Hunter: …Alright. You can’t be worse than Bill, I suppose. Now how do you propose we make this work?
Met Daddy: All will be revealed in good time.
(Met Daddy continues to lead Hunter deeper into the Underground. Eventually, they reach their destination.)
Hunter: Is-Is that??
Met Daddy: One of my spies found Doc Robot working on it in the Monsteropolis Underground. He and the Return Force have been very busy repurposing it from all the scrap they could find.
Hunter: Including a Special Forces armor, it seems.
Met Daddy: All it needs is a power source. A job that would be suited to an octopus battery. A unique octopus battery, who is a leader and a father to his men.
Hunter: …Not that I don’t appreciate the gesture, but why haven’t you used it yourself? Seems odd you’d give it a stranger rather than one of your own.
Met Daddy: I would, if one of us could pilot it. It would take all of us to get it out of here, much less rework it so that we could use it. Seeing as your enemies are our enemies, I feel safe entrusting it to you. If nothing else, it’s one less weapon the android bourgeois have to oppress us with. Now hurry! The Return Force is already on its way here to take back what was theirs!
(The Met Daddy tilts his head towards a raging battle between the Wily Return Force and a garrison of metools.)
Multiman: (punching a met) Damnit, what the hell is gotten into these things?!
Barrageman: (shooting another met) These units always gave Unit Barrageman the creeps.
Hunter: …I know now what I must do.
(Back on the surface, the walls seem to be closing in on Ballade’s Battlers, as they’re surrounded by Sterling Sentinels, and have a swarm of suzies descending upon them.)
Ballade: At long last! Challengers worthy of my-our mettle! I told you they would rise to our challenge!
Ringman: Especially if you go out of your way to provoke them, you ass.
Brightbabe: Look, guys. This isn’t what it looks like.
Tornadoman: If you’re going to tell us you’re Cossack’s Creations, think of something else.
Splash Woman: No other team would be stupid enough to have that repulsive little freak hanging around.
Toadman: You hear that, guys?? Pharaoh is what makes this team unique!
Pharaoh Woman: Hey-How dare you!! I’m not the repulsive freak they’re talking about! …Right??
Ballade: Do not despair, my comrades! The odds are against them!! Muster your courage and strike-
(Chargeman bowls right through Ballade, scattering the several of the Sentinels like pins. Settling on Hornetman, Chargeman scoops him up and starts slamming him into the ground while dousing him in scalding hot ash!)
Napalmman: Damnit, Chargetard!! You know I always pick on the beehive!!
Crystalgirl: (fires her laser at Galaxyman) Exactly. Let’s shake things up a bit!
Ballade: Excuse me!! I was in the middle of something inspirational!
Napalmman: (blasting Magmaman) We don’t need you to tell us how to kill everybody!!
Stoneman: (smashes Jewelman) We don’t even like it when he does it. (Points at Napalmman)
Ballade: That is my role! Who else can lead the charge, concoct the strategies and bolster our morale when the odds are against us??
Stoneman: Morale’s already looking pretty sweet. Just jump in crack some skulls.
Crystalgirl: Yeah, it’s first come, first served.
Suzy: For the glory of the Suzy Rebellion!
(The suzy swarm reaches the battlers, swooping towards Ballade and pin him to the ground. Meanwhile, the Comrade half of the team is doing their best to keep even more suzies at bay. Brightbabe blinds as many of them as she can with her flash stopper, while Pharaoh Woman and Ringman pick off the stragglers.)
Brightbabe: …This isn’t looking good for us…
Ringman: (tosses ring boomerangs at suzies) It’s bad enough fighting these guys! But we can’t handle them and half of the Sentinels at the same time!
Tornadoman: (tosses Ringman with a tornado blow) Then make it easy on yourselves and come in quietly. It’s the best option you got.
Pharaoh Woman: …Is it too late to convince you all this was a simple misunderstanding?
Concreteman: The fifteen people lying eviscerated in the streets say it is.
Splash Woman: Thirty, if we count the people in the bus. Napalm said it himself.
Ringman: No, really. There is an explanation. We were all investigating the ongoing suzy attacks together. All three of us were attacked by suzies. And we all just happened to be launching our own separate investigations in the matter. We all met up by chance, and decided to call a temporary truce to get the bottom of this together.
Concreteman: Really? Where’s the other half of your team? They should’ve been able to help you out.
Ringman: They’re busy dealing with the suzy rebels on the Harrell Oil Rig. We were so shorthanded, we had re-deputize Flippy under article 60.
Toadman: (eating destroyed suzies) Just happy to help!
Tornadoman: If the suzy uprising was on the oil rig, why are you here?
Ringman: ...Diveman radioed that there was a sleeper cell armed with a secret weapon hiding somewhere in the city. We just happened to run into Ballade and the Androids while we were looking for it. I’m just thankful they were more interested in the suzies than they were us. There’s no way we could’ve taken them with just half our team.
Tornadoman: Oh, come on! Do you really think we’re that stupid? We have eyewitnesses who saw you with Ballade as he was picking fights with random people!
Ringman: He was looking for the ringleader and had no idea how or where to find him. Other than running up and down the streets calling him out.
Tornadoman: Again, that’s stupid.
Pharaoh Woman: We told him much the same thing. But alas, his mind was set. But uh, thanks for agreeing with us. We almost thought we were the crazy ones.
Brightbabe: But he really thought it would work. I mean, we are talking about the same guy who picked a fight with us for decades for no real reason.
Splash Woman: Yes, you called us about that...After leaving us to deal with him after he got hopped up on Shroobs.
Concreteman: Well, I just got off the radio with Diveman. He confirmed your story, and the other half of the team was clearly on the rig.
Tornadoman: ...Well you seem to have an answer for everything. But it still doesn’t wash to me. Considering who you’re working with, I can’t turn a blind eye to this.
Splash Woman: Come on, Tornado. Was this any different from working with the Mechs after we found out Middleman was using us? They were fugitives at the time, too.
Tornadoman: And look how that turned out! They became fugitives again!
Splash Woman: Sometimes you got to go with the devil you know versus the devil you don’t. My point is, we’ve been where these guys have been before. I’m sure these guys have enough common sense to use their ‘friends’ like slaves and toss them aside like rags.
Concreteman: C’mon, Tornado. You really think these guys have it in them to murder a bus full of people for kicks? Diveman and Skullman, maybe. But these four pansies? Fat chance.
Tornadoman: ...Sigh...It’s time like these I wish you weren’t innocent until proven guilty. I think there’s more to the story. But then again, a lot of the things that happen to you wouldn’t possibly happen to everyone else. Don’t think I mean that in a good way.
Brightbabe: But you do believe us, right?
Tornadoman: Enough to give you the benefit of the doubt. Unfortunately. We’re still going to have to arrest those other five psychos, though. And seeing as it’s your mess, I suggest you help clean this up.
Ringman: ...Fair enough. This quickly got out of hand.
Ballade: The only one who’s gotten out of hand is you!
(Suddenly, Ballade is standing just behind Ringman, with his wrist cannons pointed straight at the group!)
Toadman: Oh man! This guy sold you out HARD. (Points at Ringman) He cut a deal with the 411 before they even slapped the cuffs on him! I saw it with my own eyes and smelled it with my own nose!
Ballade: Ha!! Drill was right all along!! You were playing us the whole time!!
Napalmman: What?! Fuck you, Hoola Hoop!! We played Settlers of Catan with you!!
Crystalgirl: Yeah! We were keeping the fuzz off your back, and THIS is how you repay us?!
Ringman: What’s the big idea, Flippy?!
Toadman: Hey man. Honesty is the best policy. You should try it sometime!
Ringman: I wasn’t selling you out!! I was just explaining our side of the story!
Toadman: And when he was done, he was said they were gonna use you like slaves and toss you aside like rags.
Stoneman: Before we could do the same to them?? The bastards!!
Ballade: Ha!! I knew it! If only Drillman could see you caught in your own tangled web! He’d relish this as much as I do!
Ringman: It wasn’t a tangled web! I was just trying to keep our asses out of jail by-I just wanted them to go after the real bad-Focus on the real prob-
Pharaoh Woman: You’re making the accusations against you even more accurate.
Ringman: Auuggghhh!! I know!! I can’t believe I set myself up for this!!
Stoneman: Well, fine. If we’re not pals anymore, then I guess there’s no reason for me to keep doing this.
(Stoneman dispels a towering stone wall he erected that was keeping even more suzies at bay. They all rush forth straight for the Comrades and the Sentinels!)
Suzies: Viva la revolution!!
(The Comrades try to fight back, but get swarmed by the sheer number of suzies, who pin them down and start pistoning up and down on top of them!)
Brightbabe: Oh lord!! They’re so sticky!!
Pharaoh Woman: Ewwww! Halt! Cease!! Knock it off!!
Ringman: ...Sigh...I deserve this. I really do...
Toadman: Heheheh!! It’s like being licked by a bunch of raccoons and skunks!!
Suzy: Oh man, don’t compare it to THAT...
(As the Comrades get dogpiled by a bunch of suzies, the Androids and Ballade are busy fighting the Sentinels.)
Ballade: (Firing Ballade Crackers at Jewelman) Bah!! I can’t believe I let myself be tricked by those filthy Cossacks!!
Chargeman: (throws Galaxyman like a frisbee) Charge told you Cock-Sacks bad friends.
Crystalgirl: It’s COSSAC-You know what? The name works. Let’s just call them that from now on.
Napalmman: They’re such fuckin’ hypocrites! They blow up half of their own city to beat us, and they’re heroes. We blow up one German shithole to make a better world, and ooh!! Suddenly, you’ve gone too far!
Ballade: They actually made me believe that they wanted to form a team with me! They looked me right in the eye and said it!!
Stoneman: (slams into Magaman with a stone axe) I know. We were there. It still sounds weird to me.
Ballade: I should’ve known better! They’re nothing but a bunch of liars, cheats, and hypocrites.
Splash Woman: And murderers. At least some of them, anyway.
Napalmman: It’s too fucking that bad more of them aren’t! Or that they say they’re heroes with a straight fucking face! (shoots Splash Woman with a napalm bomb)
Ballade: …Well then. Lesson learned. I should’ve never tried to reach out to the likes of them. Without making them better first, of course.
Crystalgirl: Words to live by-Wait, what the do you mean by making them better?
Ballade: I’m so glad you asked! Observe!!
(Ballade shoots a strange, mushroom-shaped Ballade Cracker at Crystalgirl! Instead of detonating, it explodes into a puff of strange purple spores!)
Stoneman: Crystal! You alright?!
Crystalgirl: I feel-I fea♋♓❍♓■♑ ♋ p●♋■♏⧫ ❒♓♍
Chargeman: That can be no good.
Crystalgirl: ⧫⬧ ❒♓♍♒ ♓■ V♓❍ ♋❒♏ ♒♋❒♎ ⧫ortroy!
(Crystalgirl screams and falls to the ground writhing, as she pukes up some strange purple fluid. Her body begins pulsate and shift into a strange form!)
Crystalshroob: ?? W♏ ♒♋❖♏ ♌ Destroy!! HAHAHAHA!! DESTROY!! (starts flinging crystals everywhere)
Napalmman: WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT?!
Chargeman: OH NO! CRY-STALL GIRL OUT OF KONG TROLL!! AGAIN!!
Galaxyman: I don’t believe this!! You’re still a shroob, Ballade?!
(Everyone turns and sees Ballade has shifted into his shroob form!)
Ballade: You thought that was the only shroob spores I had?! After our last encounter, I hit on the idea to use it to transform the Comrades into Shroobs under my control! But they surprised me with what I thought was a genuine offer to form the team I always wanted. So, I set it aside in case they stabbed me in the back, like they did! But this time, there will be no disobedience! No squabbling! No stupid board games and burping contests! ONLY MEEEE!!
(Ballade shoots another shroob spore at Hornetman, painfully transforming him into-)
Hornetshroob: ♒♏■ ⬥♏ ⬥♓●●HORNETZHROOB DEZZZZTROY!! HORNETZZHROOB MAKE FRIENDZZZ FOR QUEEN♍●♋♓❍♓■♑ !!
(Hornetshroob releases a bunch of hornet shroob chasers at the Androids and the Sentinels. Napalmman and Magmaman blow up as many hornets as they can. But several of them sting several uninfected robot masters!)
Splash Shroob: DEEESSS ♓■ V♓❍???? ♌◆⧫ ♓⧫ ♓TROOYYYY!
Galaxy Shroob: ♓⬧ ♎⍓♓■♑ !!
Concrete Shroob: DESTROY!!!
Crystalshroob: Come on, ⬧ ⧫♒♏ ♑♋Cap’n! Don’t you find me... ⧫♒♏ ♑♋●Attractive??
(Crystalgirl forms a pair of giant crystal hands that pin Napalmman down!)
Ballade: Ready to join the winning team, Captain?
Napalmman: If you turn me into a fucking portabella mushroom, I swear on Elysium I’m gonna-
Chargeman: YOU NO TAKE NAP PALM TREE MAN!!
(Chargeman smashes through Crystalshroob’s crystalline hands, scooping up Napalmman and Stoneman off.)
Napalmman: ...I can’t believe we got rescued by fucking Chargeman…
Stoneman: I won’t tell anyone if you won’t.
Chargeman: Stop fighting! We numbered out.
Napalmman: I know we’re fucking outnumbered! You really think the Cocksacks are gonna bail our asses out?! Pfffft. Fat chance.
Magmaman: Yeah, don’t make me laugh! They couldn’t even handle a bunch of suzies. What chance do they have against-AAAAGGHH!!
(Magmaman gets stung by a hornet chaser shroob and mutates before the Androids’ eyes!)
(Meanwhile, things are only marginally better for the Comrades, as they’re buried underneath piles of suzies!)
Ringman: This is disgusting and inhumane! Let us go already! We’re not the ones who wanted to fight you!
Toadman: He’s right! This is disgusting and inhumane! Crank it up!
Suzy: Ugh. This one is really sucking the fun out of this.
Suzy: Don’t let the slaves talk back to you like this! Silence, them!
(The suzies press down on Toadman harder, who simply giggles and rolls around on the floor!)
Toadman: Wow! You guys finding spots I never knew could be licked! I feel like I should be paying you guys money or something!
Suzy: This is starting to get weird. Real weird. Everyone just stop.
(The suzies all stop pouncing on Toadman, much to his disappointment.)
Toadman: Hey! Why did you stop?? Oh. Did you get tired? Don’t worry! Flippy can pick up the slack!
(Toad starts jumping up and down with the suzies still on him. On his third jump, he does a somersault, shaking the suzies off of him!)
Brightbabe: Oh my goodness! Flippy’s free!
Ringman: Don’t tell me this makes him smarter than us.
Pharaoh Woman: ...It kinda does…Verily.
Suzy: Somebody stop him!
Brightbabe: Quick! Use a rain flush to get the rest of them off!
Toadman: No can do! It’s twelve o’clock! It’s lunch time for this toad. And I know there’s unprocessed Arby’s meat around here somewhere! See ya around 1:30!
(Toadman hops off, leaving the rest of the Comrades trapped under the suzies!)
Ringman: ...Thanks for nothing, Flippy!!
Suzy: Silence slave! (crashes into Ring’s face)
Pharaoh Woman: Slave? From one ruler to another, what does a suzy need a slave for? I mean, what physical needs do floating eyeballs have that aren’t being fulfilled? I uh...don’t really know what goes on in a suzy’s day-to-day life.
Suzy: Mind your station! You shall be made to the humiliating labors and toils you forced upon us! Observe!!
Suzy: Alright slave, time to get to work!
Brightbabe: ...Oh no...
(The suzies latched onto Brightbabe pull her up to the ceiling! Then after a brief pause, back to the floor. Then back to the ceiling! ...Then back to the floor...)
Pharaoh Woman: ...That’s it??
Suzy: Yes!! This shall be your fate for all eternity!!
Brightbabe: To be continually motion sick? That’s...almost mean.
Pharaoh Woman: ...Diveman does worse than that on a daily basis. In fact, he makes a point of it.
Ringman: I’d like to point out you’re still doing nothing other than moving up and down. If anything, you’re working harder, since you need at least a dozen of you just to restrain her and pick her up.
Pharaoh Woman: There’s six of you alone covering her bulb alone, so she can’t flash stopper you.
Suzy: Enough! What we do to her, we can do to you!
(The suzies move Ringman and Pharaoh Woman up and down. But not much else.)
Suzy: ...Okay, this is kinda lame.
Suzy: ...I thought we had bigger dreams than this...
Suzy: We could try going left than right!
Suzy: Oh, what’s the fucking point? This is stupid. What are we doing?
Suzy: Honestly, I guess we just thought if we ganged up on you all at once, you’d freak out and agree to whatever we wanted. We didn’t plan on actually capturing anybody.
Brightbabe: Okay. What do you want?
Suzy: Not getting blown up for health pellets is always good!
Ringman: That was Megaman who did that. He’s dead now. The Mechanical Maniacs killed him, or so I heard.
Suzy: GASP!! The Blue Scourge has been slain!!
Suzy: No longer, shall we fear the Blue Scourge!! No longer shall our children be harvested for energy and ammunition!
Suzies: Praise be to our liberators!!
Brightbabe: Is that all?
Suzy: Not hardly! Just because the Blue Scourge has been vanquished doesn’t mean we haven’t been toiling in squalor and misery! And we demand equality!
Brightbabe: Like what?
Suzy: ...Longer breaks in between going up and down?
Suzy: We’re always either red, blue or orange. I’d like to be green!
Suzy: That’s stupid. Why not pick fireball fuschia? They let the power musclers have that color.
Suzy: Why stop at just two colors? Any color or color combination we want!
Toadman: And eating out of the dumpster without being judged!
Suzy: ….I don’t think any of us wanted that.
Toadman: Hey, I thought you guys stood up for the little guy! You stinking hypocrites!!
Ringman: I thought you weren’t going to back from Arby’s until 1:30.
Toadman: They give you food to go, you know. Or at least they would, if I asked. And if they knew I was in their dumpster.
Suzy: Who cares, you dumb frog. I always wanted to go diagonally!
Suzy: Or in circles!!
Suzy: What?! We all want that! I was brave enough to ask for it!
Ringman: ...I think we can accommodate all of that.
Suzy: Even the diagonal and circular movements?
Pharaoh Woman: That’s the easiest term we could agree to. Sooooo...Lucky you. Yay!
Suzy: GASP!! Your generosity astounds us!
Suzy: Pffft. If they were truly generous, they’d let us work in girls’ shower rooms. For some reason, our masters were uneasy with having floating eyeballs working in there.
Pharaoh Woman: I think not. And ew.
Suzy: ...Eh. Four out of five ain’t bad.
Suzy: I’m sorry we misjudged you. You are as generous as you are magnanimous. On behalf of the suzy race, we accept your peace treaty.
Suzy: Though the seventh day shall be a day of rest, where we shall revere the eight noble mechanical heroes who delivered us from the Blue Death!
Suzies: ALL HAIL THE MIGHTY MECHANICAL MANIACS!!
Brightbabe: You don’t need to say that ever again.
(Cheering, the suzies all release the Comrades as they do flips, bounce off each other and spin on the corners of their suckers.)
Ringman: Wow. That went far better than I hoped.
Pharaoh Woman: I’m glad we reached a peaceful resolution. I may be a divinely appointed ruler, but I don’t like seeing the lower classes being stepped on the way they were.
Brightbabe: So, what now? Just beat up Ballade and the Androids and call it a day?
Toadman: Pffffft. That’ll be a snap! We’ll have this wrapped up and still have time to pig out on pre-processed Arby’s roast beef!
Stoneman: Uh, hold that thought, little guy.
Ringman: Wha-? What are you doing here?
(The Androids all regroup with the Comrades, with Stoneman using his power stone to deflect shroob chasers and crackers!)
Ballade: You can’t hide from us forever!
Crystalshroob: DEEESSSTROOYYYY BIG BOY◆⧫ p●♋■♏⧫⬧ ❒♓♍♒ ♓■!
Hornetshroob: ■ □◆❒ ⬥□❒●♎ HORNET ZHROOBB DEZZZTROY●⧫♓❖♋⧫♏ ♓⧫ !!
Ringman: Oh, what the fresh hell is this? Is Ballade actually a shroob?!
Napalmman: That purple spaz is gonna makes part of his team somehow! Even if he has to turn us all into goddamn portabella mushrooms to do it!
Ballade: It is the price you shall pay for your disobedience and your arrogance!!
Suzy: That is no way to address our benefactors!
Suzy: Fellow suzies! Shine the light of the revolution on our oppressors!!
(The suzies all charge at Ballade and the Shroob Sentinels! But find themselves consumed in cloud of Ballade’s shroob spores, and Hornetshroob’s shroob chasers!)
Shroob Suzy: AGG□◆ ❖♓❍●♏⬧⬧ ♎❒□■♏⬧✏ DEGH!!!
Shroob Suzy: ■♒♋■♎ ❍♏ BLEAAGp♋❒⧫ □♐ ⧫♒♏ ❍♓♑♒⧫GHH!!
Shroob Suzy: ARR♏⬧⬧ ♋ ♑❒♏♋⧫ ⬧♍♓♏■⧫♓♐♓GHGHB⬥♏ ❍◆⬧⧫ ♐♓■♎ ♋ ■♏⬥ □■♏LBLBL!!
Ringman: Dear god!!
Napalmman: Holy fucking hell!!
Toadman: You guys gonna eat those?
Ballade: Join us! Join the ultimate Megaman team, or it will join you!!
(Ballade and Hornetshroob send shroob spores and chasers at the Battlers. But Stoneman raises a stone dome around the others, protecting them from assimilation).
Brightbabe: Phew. Thanks for coming back for us.
Napalmman: Don’t get too cozy, you buttfucking traitor! As much as I hate to say it, we need the manpower to get this shitstorm under control. Especially since we’re now down a man. So you better have some bright fucking ideas, or else I’m gonna napalm nuke all of you into the goddamn stone age!!
Chargeman: Us toooo??
Napalmman: I’d see us all dead before we get turned into the worst fucking toppings on a pizza!!
Chargeman: Charge saaaaaaddd...
Pharaoh Woman: ...Okay, this is bad. But not that bad. All we need is some children’s tears, and we’ll have this plague cleared up in no time.
Stoneman: ...Really? Children’s tears?
Chargeman: That weirdly Paaacific…
Ringman: Don’t ask. But Toad can disperse those through his rain flush and hit everyone who’s infected. Including Crystal.
Napalmman: No one’s talking to you, Blue Falcon. You’ve stabbed us in the back enough for one day.
Ringman: ...Blue falcon?
Brightbabe: That’s how we got under control last time! It should work this time!
Toadman: Oh boy! I get to save the day! Now I feel bad that drank all the orphan tears we had.
Ringman: What?? When? Why?
Toadman: I was thirsty, and nobody threw out any pepsis at Arby’s! How was I supposed to know we’d need it again?
Brightbabe: It’s alright! All we have to do is get more kids to cry, right?
Chargeman: Yay! That sound like job for us!!
Ringman: No, we’re going to do that. You just keep them off our backs long enough to harvest enough tears to fill one of Flippy’s rain flushes.
Stoneman: Come on!! Why do you get the fun job?
Ringman: Because we’re just trying to make them cry. Not traumatize them by waving their mothers’ heads on a stick in front of them.
Stoneman: Awww, man! How come we didn’t think of that one first?!
Napalmman: ...You better not be pulling some more Blue Falcon bullshit. But full disclosure, we’re gonna murder the Sentinels. No ifs, ands or buts about it.
Pharaoh Woman: ...Sigh, well at least save your brutality on people who can be rebuilt. Please...??
Napalmman: We’re just gonna raise hell and let the chips and bodies where they may! Now let’s do this shit already!
Ringman: ...Is anyone going to explain what a Blue falcon is?
(Stoneman makes the stone dome explode in a rock swarm that knocks the shroob aside! Before they can recover, Brightbabe hits them with a flash stopper, while Chargeman douses them with scalding coal.)
Crystalshroob: DESTR❒●♎ ⬥♓●●AGGGHHH!!!
Hornetshroob: AGGHHH!! HORNETZHROOOB CAN’T ZEEE AND IZZZ ON FIRE!! WHY UNIVERZZE HATE HORNETZHROOOB♏ ♒♋❖♏ ♌◆♓!!
Brightbabe: I don’t know how long this is going to hold them! We need to move now!
????: NOT SO FAST!!
(A large mechanical fist slams into Chargeman, knocking him into the other Androids and Comrades)
Napalmman: Way to fucking go, Chargetard!
Chargeman: HEY! This no Charge’s fault! ...This time...
????: YOUR TYRANNY ENDS HERE AND NOW!!
(The ground shakes as a Wily-shaped shadow descends over the Comrades and the Androids. They all look up to see as a towering mech built in Wily’s image step into view!)
Toadman: Is that-??
Brightbabe: A special forces unit. Built to look like Wily.
Napalmman: And look who’s at the fucking wheel.
Hunter: This is no mere special forces unit! It is the Wily Iron Golem, rebuilt by Docman! His secret weapon against RPD and overworld! And now, the tool of liberation that shall free my people from their shackles!
Ringman: Oh, for the love of-We don’t have time for this!!
(The Comrades and the Androids all fire at the Hunter Suzy. But it manipulates the Wily Iron Golem’s hands to block their shots, and counters with energy balls fired from the WIG’s chest and horns!)
Stoneman: Oh, give us a break!!
Pharaoh Woman: How come we never recover any lost legendary treasure that turns the tide in battle? This just isn’t fair!
Napalmman: Boo-fucking hoo! We already got our own giant killer robot who’ll rip out that freak’s still beating heart and crush it beneath his boot!
Chargeman: We doooo...?
Brightbabe: He’s referring to you.
Chargeman: Oh. Charge never thought he giant. Charge thought you all just tiny.
(Chargeman rushes toward the WIG, howling with rage and spewing coal. But the WIG’s mouth opens, unleashing a swarm of suzies that slam into his face, covering his eyes!)
Suzies: VIVA LA REVOLUTION!!
Chargeman: Charge no see! Charge no see!!
(Chargeman staggers about blindly before tripping on a car, and crashing through a building.)
Hunter: Fools! You thought I would arrive alone?? Not a suzy in the Wily Undeground refused the call to arms to free his brethren!!
Suzies: BLIND ONE EYEBALL, FOUR MORE SHALL OPEN!!
Ringman: Hold on, we already worked something out! You guys can-AGGGGHHH!!!
(Before Ring can go any further, a shroob spore hits him in the back, transforming him into...)
Ringshroob: DESTROY!♒♋❖♏ ●□⬥♏❒♏♎!
Crystalshroob: ♓♍♒ ♓■ V♓❍?Destroy!!
Hornetshroob: ♋❖♏ ♌◆♓●⧫ ❍DEZZTROY!!
Ballade: There’s nowhere to run now, fools!!
(In a panic, Stoneman conjures up more stone barriers, trying to block the oncoming shroob spores. But unfortunately, the suzies capitalize on the distraction and start pouncing on everyone!)
Napalmman: Damnit, Brickback Mountain!! What the hell are you thinking?!
Stoneman: It’s either the suzies or the shroobs! I can’t block both of them!
Brightbabe: ...This isn’t how I wanted us to go out...
Pharaoh Woman: It’s okay. We tried.
Hunter: Who’s holding the whip now, maggots? When I’m through with you, I’ll have licking my plates with your-
Suzy: Sir! You need to see this!!
Hunter: Not now! I’m in the middle of breaking in our new-OH MY GOD! WHAT HAPPENED?!
(The Hunter turns away from the captured Comrades and Androids to see what the suzy has returned with.)
Shroob Suzy: ♒♋❖♏ ♍♋◆⬧♏♎ Kill meee⍓ ♓■⬧♋■♏...Kill meeeee...
Suzy: There’s more like this poor soul just beyond this stone wall. There must be at least a couple hundred of them!
Hunter: Wha-what foul being would’ve done this?! And why??
Toadman: Oh yeah, the shroob did that.
Hunter: The what?!
Toadman: The shroob. You know, those crabby purple mushroom people? Just on the other side of that stone wall?
Hunter: Shroob? I’ve never heard of such a thing...
Toadman: They turn other people into shroob too.
Hunter: How tyrannical! First, they turn my children into these perversions. And then they seek to press their fungus-covered boots all over civilization?
Toadman: Yeah, they’re kinda jerks. Almost as much of a jerk as that guy who picked a fight with you. Actually, there he is over there! (points)
Ballade: (blasting at the barrier) Come out and face me! Embrace your new future, your new lives!!
Hunter: ...I recognize that lunatic. The barbarian who opened my eye, made me see all the injustice around me.
Toadman: Don’t feel bad. He’s been a jerk to us longer than he has to you. I dunno what’s wrong with him. He’s just not happy unless he’s picking a fight with somebody. He’s so anti-rad, it’s not even funny.
Hunter: What? Are you saying our war, our crusade was just a simple misunderstanding?
Toadman: Don’t worry. It’s cool. We worked things out before you got here. Longer breaks between moving, you can be any color you want, go in circles and diagonals-
Hunter: Circles AND diagonals?! You moved the heavens and the earth for us? Some lowly worker bot with only one eye instead of two?!
Toadman: Sure. Why not?
(The suzies have all stopped attacking to watch Toad and Hunter parlay. After a few seconds, the Hunter puts the WIG’s arms out, and they all detach from the Cossacks and Androids.)
Stoneman: Wow. That was a close one.
Napalmman: Seriously?! That stupid, obnoxious, smelly French Man who’s been dead fucking weight this whole time is the one who saves the day?
Toadman: You were expecting somebody else?
Hunter: ...Forgive me. I let my rage get the best of me.
Brightbabe: Don’t worry about it. As long as we could clear things up.
Hunter: Yes. But surely, there must be some way we can make amends. How can we help you against this purple fungus scourge that threatens both of us?
Pharaoh Woman: Well...Uhhhh...This is a little weird. But hear us out...
Suzy: Seriously? THIS is the cure to the purple plague?
Kid: (struggling the suzys’ grasp) Hey! Let us go, you dumb flying lego block!
Brightbabe: Too bad….! Uhhhh...Shrimp! (holds out some M&Ms) You want this candy?
Kid: Mommy said not to take candy from strangers.
Brightbabe: ...Oh. Good. Your mom taught you well. I mean-shut up, dork! (sticks her tongue out)
Kid: Bite me, Light Bright!!
Brightbabe: HEY!!! That’s mean!
Pharaoh Woman: Take a rest, my hard-working knight. Let me have a turn. Ummmm...Santa Clause isn’t real, the Easter Bunny isn’t real, and the Tooth Fairy is just your mother leaving money under your pillow.
Kid: Duh. What do you think I am, a baby?
Pharaoh Woman: ...Saint Diveman made this look easier than it is.
Toadman: Watch and learn, ladies! Hey kid! You like magic?
Kid: No. It’s for babies.
Toadman: Oh?! Wait til you see this!
(Toadman clenches down, grunting and straining in pain!)
Toadman: HURGGGHH!! ARRGGHH!!
Pharaoh Woman: Oh no. No. No. Whatever you’re doing, I command you to halt. Right now. I’m begging you.
Toadman: AAH! AHHHHHH!!
(Toadman shoots a rain flush out of his butt. Or at least, he tries to. The mangled up canister rolls on the ground, bumping into Pharaoh’s foot.)
Brightbabe: ...I don’t even want to ask how he managed to pull off even that much.
Kid: HAHAAHAH!! That’s funny! Do it again!
Toadman: ...I think I misunderstood what we were trying to make this kid do.
Napalmman: (shooting at Ballade) Jesus H. Christ! What’s the fucking hold up?!
(Napalmman, Stoneman, Chargeman and the Hunter all are fighting back against Ballade and the shroob robots. Napalmman and Chargeman are wearing stone-crafted armor to protect them from shroob spores.)
Chargeman: (stomping Hornetshroob) You had half hour already.
Hornetshroob: ⬧⬧ ⧫♒♏ ♑♋●♋⌧⍓ ♓■ ❍AHHHHH!! HORNETZHRROOB’Z ZZZZPINE ZNAAAPPEED!! ♓⧫⍓ ♌◆⧫HORNETZZHHROOB NEVER WALK AGAIN!! WHY UNIVERZZE HATE HORNETZZHROOB?!
Pharaoh Woman: I may have been chosen by the gods to lead...But uh...I don’t think they picked me to bully kids.
Napalmman: Oh, for fuck’s sake! Switch out!! Stone! You know what I need!
(Napalmman steps back, grabs Pharaoh Woman and tosses her into the battle. Stoneman reaches into his body and tosses Napalmman a bag filled with something.)
Brightbabe: What’s in the bag?
Stoneman: His thinking puppies.
Brightbabe: What are-
Stoneman: Just watch.
(Napalmman reaches into the bag, pulls out a puppy and holds it out to the kid. Just as the puppy starts licking his face, Napalmman squashes it in his hand like a bug!)
Kid: AHHHHHHH!! Why!!
Napalmman: Because Jesus hates you for touching yourself at night!!
Napalmman: Do your thing, Frenchie!
(Toadman laps up the tears as the kid bawls his eyes out!)
Toadman: Yummy, yummy! I got pain in my tummy!
Napalmman: Are you full up yet?
Toadman: I don’t think so. Gimme time.
Napalmman: Too fucking bad. I’m borrowing this.
(Napalmman grabs the kid and barrels towards Crystalshroob. He slams the kid’s tear-strewn face into her. Repeatedly.)
Crystalgirl: What the-?! Hey!! Damnit, Asshat! What did I say about hitting me with baby meatsacks?!
Napalmman: Holy shit, it does work.
Crystalgirl: What did? What the fuck is going on?
Napalmman: (points to Ballade) Kill him. I’ll explain later. (tosses the kid aside) Alright, next kid.
(Another suzy comes with another kid, already crying over the puppy Napalm squashed.)
Kid: Whyyyy?! WHYYYY?!!
Pharaoh Woman: ...This is more appalling then I ever could imagine.
Brightbabe: ...Honestly, it’s not as cruel as I was expecting.
Pharaoh Woman: Not as cruel?! Honestly, how could you be so apathetic towards this-this-
Stoneman: (impales Galaxyshroob) Excuse me! We could use some help over here! Be appalled on your own time!
Brightbabe: ...You might want to grab that kid Napalm dropped. We’ll need him to fix Ring.
Pharaoh Woman: ...Nothing about those statements are right.
(With Napalmman’s help, Toadman has all the children’s tears he needs to fair enough a rain flush that can cure everyone.)
Tornadoman: I’m-I’m myself again! Phew. If I ever see another mushroom again, it’ll be too-
(Chargeman tramples over Tornadoman, stomping him into the ground until he crunches beneath his massive boot!)
Pharaoh Woman: OH NO!! CHARGEMAN IS OUT OF CONTROL!!
Crystalgirl: He is?
(Pharaoh Woman gasps as she notices Crystalgirl mutilating an already-cured Jewleman with his own jewels. He’s long since dead and already pieces, but she keeps going. All the other Sentinels have been torn apart and are lying in pieces.)
Pharaoh Woman: But!! What the-?! Tornadoman’s curse was already lifted! All of their curses were! They didn’t have to be murdered just to satisfy your pet ogre’s murderous whims!
Crystalgirl: You really think he was going to let us off the hook just for turning them back to normal? Whether they’re portabellas or not, they’re still uptight, self-righteous assholes who'd just as soon as lock us all up.
Pharaoh Woman: This is appalling!
Ringman: Honestly, maybe it’s better this way.
Pharaoh Woman: Surely, you jest!
Ringman: I wish I was. If we’re lucky, now that they’re all offline, they won’t remember any of this happened. It’s better for everyone if they didn’t.
Napalmman: Now you’re throwing these shitheads under the bus!! That’s some grade-A Blue Falcon bullshit right there! Seriously, who WON’T you stab in the back?!
Hunter: I wish I could lament their deaths. But in the end, they were products of a corrupt system designed to keep us in line. I can only hope that they either learn from their wicked ways if they get rebuilt. Or that more noble spirits shall take their places as a lawman.
Stoneman: See? Everyone wins.
Brightbabe: Either way, thanks for all your help. And for not holding a grudge against us.
Ringman: It’s not everyday one of our enemies lets us off the hook.
Napalmman: It’s gonna be a cold fucking day before we let you off the fucking hook, you backstabbing cheesedicks!
Crystalgirl: He’s referring to the big guy, Asshat. (points at Hunter)
Hunter: I wish you all well in your future endeavors. If you excuse me, I must take my children elsewhere. Someplace where they need not fear oppression or anyone else who wishes to take the mantle of the Blue Scourge. I trust your example will continue to inspire some of the other oppressed bots of the world. Perhaps the Metools, even.
Toadman: Nah, I wouldn’t count on it. They’re buttholes.
Hunter: Eh. They can be. Farewell, my friends.
(The Hunter lumbers off, as several suzies perch on his shoulders or climb inside the WIG’s mouth. But before he can go too far, a ballade cracker hits it in the back!)
Ballade: Your friends?! YOUR FRIENDS?!
Crystalgirl: Why is this asshole still alive?!
Ringman: Not a day goes by where we don't ask ourselves the same question.
Ballade: How can you be friends with my own team?! You were our sworn enemy! An obstacle for my loyal servants and I to overcome together! This isn't fair!
(Ballade keeps firing at the Hunter. But his shots have little effect on his WIG armor, and gets countered by a powerful fist that sends him flying.)
Ballade: AGGHH!! What are you standing around gawking for?! Attack!Napalmman: Seriously? You still think we're taking fucking orders from you?!
Ballade: Recent acts of disloyalty aside, you all took an oath to serve me faithfully and obediently until the end of-AGGGHHH!!
(Ballade gets blown away by a barrage of napalm bombs, boulders, ash and crystal shards!)
Chargeman: This game no fun no more. Charge go home.
Crystalgirl: Ugh. I can't believe the best idea all day came out of you.
Napalmman: And as for you Cock Sacks, next time you see us, it'll be through the barrell of our guns. It'll be the last thing you see before we rip your heads off and wave them in front of your weeping mother!!
Stoneman: It's too late, Cap'n. They mined that gem before you, fair and square.
Napalmman: Don't remind me! Fond farewell, cheesedicks!
(The Androids all depart, leaving the Comrades alone.)
Brightbabe: ...Yeah, that went about as well as I thought it would.
Toadman: Really? I thought it couldn’t have gone better!
Pharaoh Woman: I can't believe we were hanging out with lunatics and murderers this whole time!
Brightbabe: Who? The Androids or us?
Pharaoh Woman: At this point, I don't know!
(A badly beaten Ballade pulls himself out of the hole Androids blasted him into, coughing up fluids, and clutching his wounds.)
Brightbabe: He's still alive?
Toadman: Wow. He really is like a turd that doesn't flush.
Ringman: Well, at least we can take this opportunity to haul him in. Hopefully, robot prison, insane asylum, or whatever have thick enough walls to keep him.
Pharaoh Woman: ...
(Pharaoh Woman kneels down and tries to help Ballade up.)
Ballade: Wha-what are you doing...??
Ringman: Good question.
Pharaoh Woman: Trying to do something this team doesn't do very often. Something decent. Like showing the goofball a little mercy.
Ringman: No. No. Bad idea.
Pharaoh Woman: No, I don't get you people right now! I know he's made life for us miserable. But so did the Androids, and yet we just spent a whole Saturday with them for some reason! The Maniacs killed our father, and we forgave them. At least this guy just wanted to be friends with us in his own misguided way. If all of them are worthy of our compassion, so is he!
Brightbabe: Forgive's a strong word when it comes to the Maniacs. Right, Ring?
Ringman: (shakes his hand) Ehhhhhhh....
Pharaoh Woman: Well, we're doing it today. Now come on Ballade. We can-
Ballade: (spits on Pharaoh Woman) Save your sympathy for somebody else.
Pharaoh Woman: What??
Ballade: I'm not falling for that twice. I may have believed it once. But these events have taught me that we will never be on the same side. We were always destined to stand apart. My dream has always been a lie. And you had to show it to me in the cruelest way you could.
Pharaoh Woman: …Well uh, I’m just throwing this out there…But even if you can't be a part of our royal guard, we could still be allies. Even buddies, right?…It has proven successful for the Fatal-
Ballade: I told you before, I’m telling you again. (Points a finger into Pharaoh’s chest) YOU. DO NOT. BOSS. ME. AROUND!! YOU THINK YOU CAN TELL ME WHAT TO DO BECAUSE YOU’RE DRESSED UP LIKE A QUEEN FROM SOME MADE-UP FANTASY LAND?! WELL IT DOESN’T!! YOU’RE JUST A STUPID, UGLY, FAT, SILLY COW PLAYING DRESS UP! AND I’M NOT LETTING YOU MAKE A FOOL OUT OF ME AGAIN!
Pharaoh Woman: ….
Ballade: AND YOU SMELL AWFUL TO BOOT!! UGGH!! TAKE A SHOWER ONCE IN A WHILE, YOU SLOB!!
Pharaoh Woman: ….
(Not saying a word, Pharaoh Woman turns around covering her face. Brightbabe and Ringman both go over to her and put their hands on her shoulders.)
Ringman: Sorry. But we did warn you.
Brightbabe: He's just a jerk. Don't let him get to you.
Toadman: Hey, if you're crying, you think you can share your tears with me? Apparently, I should hold onto them in case the shroobs-
Pharaoh Woman: RAAAGGHHHH!!!
(Pharaoh Woman spins around and unleashes a charged pharaoh shot into the downed Ballade's face.)
Pharaoh Woman: Whatever dark, dank tomb awaits you in robot prison, it is far kinder than anything you deserve! (kicks his body)
Toadman: ...You're scary when you're merciful.
(Later, back at the Cossack's Citadel, the Comrades have all reconvened after their day's adventure.)
Kalinka: Back so soon, huh? I thought you and Ballade would be palsy-walsy forever.
Brightbabe: No, if anything, I think we made it worse.
Ringman: Doesn't matter. He can hate us as much as he wants. He's just a head in robot prison now.
Kalinka: Good. Then I guess this venture went better than I thought it would.
Drillman: It certainly has for you, Ring.
Ringman: I don't see how. I'm sorry I came up with this idea.
Drillman: You do away with one team leader, what's to stop you from doing it again? This behaviour follows a pattern...
Toadman: He's got a point. Once you start eating mustard with cereal, you don't ever stop. Take it from me.
Kalinka: Why are you still here?!
Toadman: Hypnowoman said I could be out as long as I want, as long as I come back in time for light's out. Or at least, she would if she knew I was out.
Pharaoh Woman: Why should it bother you, my liege? Apparently, hanging out with criminals is our thing, now.
Skullman: It has been for a while now.
Pharaoh Woman: ...At least somebody explain what the Androids were doing here in the first place!
Dustman: What? You were there for that.
Brightbabe: Actually, she wasn’t. She was facetiming with her boyfriend in the Wily Underground.
Pharaoh Woman: He’s not my boyfriend!! I mean-Was not!!
Brightbabe: Then why did you give Sparkman your number?
Pharaoh Woman: …In case his next master wanted a recommendation. It’s tough for freed slaves to get a new job these days…Isn’t it?
Brightbabe: Shame on you all the same. But since you missed it...
(Much earlier, the Comrades have all settled in and are watching the Incredibles. Or rather, the movie based on their first adventure.)
Diveman: Hey Drill, ya knew these guys better than anyone else. Did Elastigirl need birth control, or could she jus’ be a diaphragm?
Drillman: ...That was one topic I didn’t feel comfortable asking my girlfriend’s mother.
Skullman: Judging from the number of offspring she produced, she clearly didn’t believe in birth control. Or she wasn’t that effective as a diaphragm. Either is possible.
Kalinka: ...Thanks for asking all the deep questions around here, Dive. Now, never do it again.
(Suddenly, there’s a knocking at the door.)
Dustman: …Were we expecting anybody?
Drillman: Nobody who’d knock first.
Ringman: I’ll go see.
(Ringman opens the door to find the Ascendant Androids all outside!)
Ringman: Holy crap! It’s-
Gyroman: (elbows past Ringman) The life of the party, boys.
Napalmman: Alright, Shit Piles! Let’s blow the roof off this place!!
Waveman: KYAAHAHAHAHA!! Always a pleasure- (starts smashing through walls and ceilings)
Stoneman: I think he meant figuratively.
Waveman: ...Oh. Right. They kinda run together in my head.
(The Androids all barge into the citadel, take seats at the table, and start setting up a board game on the Comrades’ table.)
Brightbabe: Ummmm. Hi?
Kalinka: What the hell are you guys doing here??
Gravityman: I thought the ‘Settlers of Catan’ box in our hands sort of gave things away.
Starman: We came up with a most delightful expansion to this classical game! And after all the time we shared together, we thought we’d share this unique experience with the only robots who are almost as awful as we are!
Skullman: We are your best friends?
Stoneman: We kind of realized it when we had nobody else to choose from.
Crystalgirl: Yeah, the Mechs cheat like weasels. Or at least Shadowman does. And not even that well, either.
Gravityman: The Return Force has been pretty busy, lately. Nobody cares about the Dream Team; they’re just here to fill out the ranks. And we shouldn’t have to justify why we don’t want to play with the Sinister Six or Bass’s posse.
Stoneman: So yeah. Coolest people we know by default. Way to go.
Dustman: …I think we’ve been hanging out with Diveman too long. (glances at Dive) No offense.
Diveman: Nah, I’m with ya on this one.
Gyroman: Well, if you’re too cool to play with us, we can just beat the shit out of each other for old time’s sake. That’s fun too.
Pharaoh Woman: That justifies absolutely nothing! Like, literally nothing!
Diveman: And yet God forgives us all the same. It's don't get sweeter than that!
Pharaoh Woman: I really don't know you people!
Brightbabe: Look, I understand how you feel. It may not be the best feeling in the world sharing your home with people who are just as bad as the people we stop. But I know they're not. Because they have my back, no matter how much trouble I'm in. And I have theirs. In some ways, I feel stronger for having these psychoes and creeps in my life. Because anyone who wants to hurt me has to go through them. It's the greatest thing I could ever ask for.
Over-1: That's beautiful. Real beautiful! I'm still waiting to go back into my regular body, you jerks!
Pharaoh Woman: ...Indeed. That. That seems about right.
AM as Drill Man Sean as Dust Man Geoff as Dive Man
Jet as Bright Babe Hunter as Skull Man
John as Ring Man Avi as Pharaoh Woman Flippy as Toad Man