By Sean (Dust Man)
(We find ourselves in Kalinka’s laboratory as she works on Over-1 and Nástenka…)
Nástenka : Finally, I didn’t want to complain but I’ve been wanting some upgrades forever.
Over-1 : I must admit, I wasn’t expecting anything until after you’d upgraded the comrades.
Kalinka : Well the two of you were long overdue for an upgrade… and I still haven’t been able to figure out a way of making proper transmetal forms.
Over-1 : Seriously?
Kalinka : My father’s designs for transmetal forms never seem to make sense so I’ve been looking at other paths as well. We’ve gathered so many samples of different technologies and biologies… various new energy sources… But nothing! Most even have a way of handling upgrading and enhancing a subject, but try as I might I can’t seem to get them to work with the CC’s designs... It’s like…
(When suddenly music can be heard in the background…)
Every single time
Close to derangement.
I feel just like I’m like I’m
Just overlooking the right arrangement.
Why does nothing work?
Why does this all rhyme?
I’ve been trying in my lab each day,
Just hoping for a way
To stop being stumped by this problem.
Trying every part,
Nothing seems to work for this art.
I was always smart and rather brilliant,
Now I find I’m stumped.
CL-DOS scan now.
Something hit us and it is aggravating.
It’s making you all sing.
Thanks for informing.
Nástenka and Over-1 :
Usually we do well but this is hell.
What is this cursed spell?
We all are stumped by this problem (Stumped by this problem)
We’re lost in a daze.
This better not be a new craze.
Can we figure out together?
Or will we be trapped forever?
Maybe just wait this-
Don’t be clever.
We don’t want to be
Stumped by this problem.
Trapped and soon lost.
Now call the CC.
Maybe they are still free.
And then maybe then we
(And the music fades away…)
CL-DOS : Told you that you just needed to wait this out.
Kalinka : Still call the team. I was hoping this would never happen again.
Over-1 : Again? This happened before?
Kalinka : I’ll explain when everyone is together. CL-DOS, check what we have in stock for dealing with demons.
(And elsewhere a few otherworldly entities-)
Kachen : Quiet, I’m not in the mood.
(But I’m trying to tell you-)
Kachen : No. I care not for the music building in the background. If some other demon thinks he can just waltz right in and start messing with my-
Now why so upset?
Don’t you ever smile?
Now don’t you sit and fret.
Let’s work together for awhile.
You’ve made a rather large assumption.
As I was the first at this a-function.
So now that we’ve met?
Why don’t you start to smile?
Kachen : If you think I’ll join in you overestimate your power. I’ve been working on the Comrades for-
I’ve given them song
Before the damn war.
It’s been rather long,
But I have been here before.
You see my claim is rather a-strong.
Listen to the melody; I’ve done no wrong.
Now, we should get along.
‘Cuz I can open any door.
‘Cuz I know, what you need, sir.
I know just what you need, sir.
Kachen : Do you now? I’m sorry, but I have plans of my own and don’t see how you could possibly comprehend. Regardless of past claims, I am the only demon who will be asserting his influence against Cossack’s Comrades.
I have had an inspiration.
We can solve this without complication.
We each get to play.
What do all of you say?
Kachen : Explain.
We each influence a mortal’s desire.
Then we compete for who creates the very best pyre.
All those lives caught and made a plaything,
Just so we can all be a-competing.
Let’s resolve which of us can best a-inspire.
Can we now act without further ire?
When we now end this thing,
We all will know who is superior and shall reign as king.
‘Cuz I know, what you need, sir.
Kachen : … Very well, but this game would need a few more pieces on the board. Otherwise I fail it would be a bit too boring.
(With a wave of his hand, two figures are ripped out of thin air.)
Kachen : Two otherwise wasted souls, but ones that could empower anyone quite easily.
Smithy : … I do not know where this place you brought me is, but if you expect me to be thankful for this rescue you are sadly mistaken. I will forge this world into a world of weapons.
Kachen : Oh, that is already done.
Sweet : But I’m sure you can have fun.
Kachen : Stop that. But we were having a game to see who could best influence and potentially empower mortals to cause the most… ‘entertainment.’
Happy Mask Salesman : A competition? I would love to.
Smithy : I suppose this will give me a chance to see what weapons exist on this world.
Happy Mask Salesman : That’s the spirit.
Kachen : Very well, if it will get all of you out of my hair.
(And because you have some way of making this entire thing somehow fit into your secretive master plan.)
Kachen : Your lucky the others can’t hear you.
(Well, let’s see how the CC are dealing with the musical news.)
Kalinka : As you can see while we are incapable of completely stopping the phenomena, our scans are capable of at least detecting this wave of demonic musical energy. I’m trying to work on ways of better resisting it, I’d hope that when it went away last time that it meant eventually you just built up a natural resistance.
Pharaoh Woman : Uh, last time grand vizier?
Kalinka : Right, I guess you wouldn’t remember this. Actually I think AM, Sean, and Geoff are the only ones whose AIs haven’t been replaced since those days.
Dive Man : Wait, you’re tell’n us that it was demons that cause us to be sing’n all those times?
Dust Man : Even by our standards that seems a bit farfetched though I must admit I’m a bit embarrassed that I never actually thought about why it happened.
Drill Man : And a new piece of the puzzle falls into place. Some mysterious entity caused us all to sign and then forget about it happening… Who could be responsible for such a thing? Is it John or his secretive masters?
Dive Man : Ta be honest, always thought it was you, boss man.
Dust Man : Actually, yeah. You were kind of fond of singing back then.
Drill Man : Now it seems the mysterious figure is trying to split us apart by making us suspicious of one another… Clearly this must be John’s true mission.
Ring Man : Hey!
Kalinka : How does that monologue bug keep reappearing… Anyways, my father thought when it occurred that it just had to do with all the drugs-
Dust Man : Actually that is a rather acceptable theory.
Kalinka : But as I started working more with the supernatural and paranormal, I found evidence of a demonic song causing entity that seems to cause musical disaster then slip away. We may finally have a chance of cornering them this time before we get hit again.
Toad Man : So you could say, we’ve been hit by…
Pharaoh Woman : We’ve been hit by?
Toad Man : A smooth criminal.
(The sound of a shotgun firing rings throughout the room. Everyone looks and sees Kalinka brandishing her favorite firearm.)
Kalinka : No.
Toad Man : Aw….
Smithy : What do you want, demon? Why didn’t you run off like the others.
Kachen : Well, never compare me others. I’ll always be above them. But you see, I’ve found these two lumps of metal. Rather useless things now, but once great swords of note. I’d like to give them to you and let you try them out.
(Two large, rusted chunks of metal are placed in front of Smithy. Each is almost the size of a person.)
Smithy : What is so special about these… !
Kachen : I will leave you to your fun.
(Smithy takes out a hammer, and it’s blows begin to match a certain beat.)
Once just a sword, now far more.
Hatred and death, both combining.
Blade devouring souls galore.
Safety they began pining.
All the weak gathered to conspire.
One lone fragment, they did acquire.
Made a blade, but added to the pyre.
As they all drew breath,
They only added more death.
The blades sought each other in an endless war!
For both swords, the other they did abhor!
Battle came again and again!
Blades greater than any men!
Two simple swords? No, far more.
Hatred and death, both combining.
Blades devouring souls galore
Safety? Better keep pining.
Now what is this my eyes do see?
A demon summoner before me?
? : Cram it. I’m not in the mood.
An enemy unknown and unfought.
In the grand scheme, not more than a blot.
? : Listen, here. My name is Lazul! I had a team! I had plans! I had-
(*See Cossack Comrades Alpha Season 4, Epilogue 14 : Fist Full of Gemstones. Short story, a rival mage to Jade the prior Pharaoh who started building things in the background but never got past that.)
Accomplished nothing against an enemy now gone.
Such a bad fate, but why don't we change this sad song?
Lazul : What do you mean, demon?
A magical boost to make you far more qualified.
For twice as many demons, you are now certified.
Lazul : And why would I want that?
You can have eight fiends then fight eight comrades.
To show you were more than some passing fads.
Lazul : The ones I care about are long gone.
But don't you want one more last song?
Something to make them sing along?
You fought well,
You gave hell.
But ring the bell.
Signal their knell.
Or rot here all alone.
With none to even phone.
I've said all that I can tell.
I won't give you the hard sell.
(Sweet drops a glowing gem stone in front of Lazul.)
I’ve used my voice.
Now it is your choice.
(Sweet fades away.)
Does anybody even notice?
Does anybody even care?
(As musically suddenly starts to fade in and-)
Kachen : Yeah… Enough of that. Want to hear a counter offer?
(Let’s move elsewhere, why don’t we?)
Kachen : Afraid about the fact you’ve been taking his side?
(Look… It’s my job to announce these things. I’m not having this fight right now. We are doing a scene transition to what looks like poor recolors of Toad Man, Guts Man, and Shadow Man.)
? Toad ? : Look, guys. It’s our time. We can do this. We need to team up and fight.
? Guts ? : I’m not sure about this.
? Shadow ? : Yeah, seems kind of pointless.
? Toad ? : Look, you are Electric Shadow Man. You can fulfill the roles of Spark and Shadow. That’s like a quarter of the Mechanical Maniacs right there. And you are Wood Guts Man. You have all that physical prowess and elemental powers! And I’m Fire Toad Man, I’m twice as good as that Flippy fellow.
Electric Shadow Man : And I have a good thing going pretending to be Gauntlet for Parades and Kid’s Birthday parties.
Wood Guts Man: I’ve become an arborist and I started work at this great tree nursery.
Fire Toad Man: But we can be a team! We could be better than them!
Electric Shadow Man: Look, we can still hang out some times.
Wood Guts Man : But we got our own lives.
(Two figures leave. One enters.)
Happy Mask Salesman : You’ve met with a terrible fate, haven’t you? … Well, not too terrible. A parting need not last forever.
Fire Toad Man : What is it to you?
Happy Mask Salesman : Well, I have a rather precious mask I can lend you. It was quite difficult to get a hold of… But I could lend it to you.
Fire Toad Man : How would a mask help me?
Happy Mask Salesman : This mask has a great power. One of the most powerful in my entire collection… And I could lend it to you.
Fire Toad Man : Why?
Happy Mask Salesman : You should believe in yourself more. Besides, I feel like by the time its returned to me I’ll have gained even more masks. So take it. It’s rare such a mask is gained so easily. Even if it is only for a small time.
Fire Toad Man : Thanks. I’ll try to make good use of it.
Happy Mask Salesman : I’m sure you will.
(As Fire Toad Man leaves, a familiar f-)
Kachen : I need no such introduction. Quite a generous move.
Happy Mask Salesman : Heh heh… If what you’ve told me is true, once that mask returns to me it may no longer even be the most impressive one in my collection.
(The unspoken plan always works I see… Now, why don’t we check back with-)
Kachen : Smithy.
(What? It’s been a while since we’ve check in on the Comrades!)
Kachen : And? If you focus on them, they'll just have a musical number about how AM plays video games with no thumbs. I’d rather not give my opponent such satisfaction.
(But that sounds-)
Kachen : Ahem.
(Terrible… Moving on. We see a battle going on between police officers and a squadron of Scissor Joes. While the battle was brutal, eventually only a solitary Scissor Joe remains.)
Officer Bot : Stand down! This is your final warning!
Scissor Joe : Death the RPD! Death to humanity! Kill now for Elysium awaits!
Office Bot : Well, we gave him a chance. Everyone, open f-
(A hammer blow shatters the Officer Bot. Subsequent attacks make short work of the remaining police officers on the scene.)
Smithy : Hello. I must say, I’ve read up on the recent history of this world and am quite impressed with your kind’s work. You’ve made some fine weapons.
Scissor Joe : You are joining the Scissor Army?
Smithy : Me? No, I do not serve others. However, I felt those who wanted a world of weapons like me deserved at least one gift. So I have a sword for you.
Scissor Joe : Swords are outdated weaponry. My-
Smithy : Take it or I smash your head n like those officers and find someone else to grant it to.
Scissor Joe : … Very well, but I see no gain from such a primitive and unbalanced weapon. Such an unwieldy thing cannot be… ELYSIUM! I now see it’s true glory!
Smithy : That is a wielder for Soul Calibur, now to find one for Soul Edge.
Kachen : Come, let me help with that.
(As Smithy leaves with Kachen, the Scissor Joe wields Soul Calibur and begins to search out enemies to kill. Crystals began to spread out and engulf what his blade does not cut down. With each he slices down, his form begins to change. Other Scissor Joes arrive and begin to follow suite. Somehow a melody begins to rise over the cacophony of battle.)
Calibur Joe :
Only now have I come to realize,
How lacking in vision I've been.
I only thought I had eyes on the prize.
But now I can finally begin.
Soon you will never hear a human cry,
For we will now make the species extinct.
The Scissor Army reaches a new high!
Now listen, I will be succinct.
I do see doubt in all of your eyes.
But soon you too will understand.
By Elysium's will, I crystallize
For I will make all of the world our land!
So, don't worry about any old war crime.
Humanity will suffer the blues.
Our glorious era,
Is becoming clearer.
Scissor Joe : What do we do, preacher?
Calibur Joe : Kill every creature.
It may sound boresome,
But we'll soon win, chum.
We will make everyone hear the news.
They're wrong, this is no mere delirium.
Calibur Joe & Scissor Joes : Elysium!
Calibur Joe :
So prepare for its final arrival.
Now humanity we shall damn.
So very enchanting,
After all this planning.
We'll give no trial,
Mankind's not worthwhile.
They'll all succumb,
Humans are scum
And I'll kill every man.
Yes, I'll create this wondrous kingdom
Calibur Joe & Scissor Joes : Elysium!
Calibur Joe & Scissor Joes :
Yes, I'll create this wondrous kingdom
(A city block lies, reduced to only rubble and crystals.
Scissor Joes : Elysium awaits.
Calibur Joe : No.
Scissor Joes : No? Explain.
Calibur Joe : *Swings his blade, slicing down the other Scissor Joes and engulfing their remains in crystal* Elysium is right here.
(The sound of rubble shifting is heard, a family had tried scurrying away.)
Calibur Joe : Now, how did we miss you? I guess it must have been the singing. No worries. I kill for Elysium is here.
Child : Help!
(A blast of fire knocks the Soul Calibur wielding Scissor Joe away. A red Toad Man is seen on the roof top.)
? Toad ? : Fear not!
Calibur Joe : Toad Man? And where is the rest of the Comrades? They shall feed my blade.
? Toad ? : No! I’m Fire Toad Man!
Calibur Joe : I care not what delusions you harbor. Only death lies before you.
Fire Toad Man : Not quite.
(Fire Toad Man puts on a mask and transforms into a taller, more muscular Toad. He jumps down, now wielding a sword with a double helix for a blade.)
Fierce Deity Fire Toad Man : …
Calibur Joe : Well, well, well. Looks like you might actually be worth a fight.
(And now back to Cossack’s Comrades.)
CL-DOS : Kalinka, something is going on downtown! We thought officers on the scene had it under control, but then something happened!
Kalinka : Let me guess, it involved a musical number?
CL-DOS : Oddly enough, reports indicate yes!
Kalinka : Thought so. Everyone move out!
Dive Man : Aww, c’mon! I jus’ finished abductin’ this choir.
Choir : Can we go home now?
Kalinka : … Go, just go.
Choir : Yay!
Kalinka : Not you!
Choir : Aw…
Kalinka : Or rather, yes you guys leave too. But more importantly the rest of you just do your damn jobs!
Bright Babe : Why did none of us try to stop him?
Dust Man : In all honesty, I have no idea. My best guess is we all wanted to see where he was going with it.
Dive Man : That’s jus’ God’s Grace stoppin’ ya from interferin’ with me.
Toad Man : Wait up, guys!
Skull Man : Flippy, moonwalking is an entirely inefficient way to travel. Walk normally.
Toad Man : But, I need to become Michael Jackson!
Ring Man : We’ve tried triggering a musical number. You can’t just cause one to happen at will.
Dive Man : God would of let me.
Ring Man : It wouldn’t have worked!
Drill Man : John seems to be expressing knowledge of this condition that the rest of us lack… It seems he’s let his hand finally slip.
Ring Man : We tried already. You were all there!
Dive Man : Just for that, I’m prayin’ ta God that none of you get a cool musical number. Now ya’ll be stuck with somethin’ lame.
Pharaoh Woman : Uh, Egyptian God or Goddess of musical numbers-
Dive Man : No way there's an Egyptian god of musical numbers, Stinky.
Dust Man : Hathor had music and dance under her purview which combined would make her close to the goddess of 'musical numbers' I guess.
Pharaoh Woman : Yes, Hathor. Please keep your chosen pharaoh and her various servants blessed and protected against being embarrassed by a musical. Especially your great and loyal Pharaoh Avi who clearly is an excellent dancer but will avoid a musical number to avoid making the rest look bad.
Dive Man : Hey, Ms. Yuk! Mummies can’t dance!
Toad Man : They can under Michael’s guidance!
Pharaoh Woman : Michael? Which god was he again? As a pharaoh, I of course in my infinite wisdom remember all the divinities that have blessed me and my rule. I certainly know and am asking for a friend.
Dust Man : He is talking about Michael Jackson’s music video for ‘Thriller’ and I believe getting zombies and mummies confused. Though I am sure other versions of the music video have since been made feature mummies and various other-
Bright Babe : Guys? Maybe we should pick up the pace. I’m pretty sure that is smoke in the distance.
Skull Man : Agreed. There are likely citizens in need of assistance.
? : And they’ll stay that way.
Dive Man : Jade? Good ta see ya! How’ve ya been?
Lazul : No! My name is Lazul!
Bright Babe : Who?
Dust Man : Give me a second… I’m sure I will remember something. I think he was an old rival of Jade’s or something.
Dive Man : Right, right. You were the guy that totally had a thin’ fer old Jade.
Lazul : What?! No! He was my eternal foe, I his dark counterpart! I worked for Black Lotus! And I can’t believe this pitiful woman is his replacement. I doubt I’ll get any enjoyment from destroying you.
(*For information on Black Lotus… You could look at Alpha Season 4 but really it was just an evil corporation. Evil corporation… Why does that sound familiar…)
Pharaoh Woman : I’m not pitiful… I’m a really great pharaoh, honest.
Bright Babe : There, there. Don’t listen to that jerk, Avi.
Dive Man : Look dude, I’m sorry that ya dealin’ with a broken heart from losin’ yer crush. But, takin’ it out on others? Trying ta stalk someone wearin’ similar clothes to yer ex? That’s jus’ sad. Look, I got a number fer a great grief counselor.
Lazul : That’s it!
(Music fades in.)
Don’t you disrespect me, metal man.
Though nothing wrong being what implied.
You’re in my world now, not your world.
And I got fiends from the other side.
Scarmiglione & Cagnazzo & Barbariccia & Rubicante : He’s got fiends from the other side.
That's not an echo, comrades.
Just a few powerful demons that any real mage could summon.
No parlor tricks here. So, please do worry.
See, I'm capable.
I kill you with ease.
This magic I possess enables me to do
Anything I please.
I will end your future.
I'll kill your creator, too.
Happily, I will tear apart your soul.
(If you machines even have such a thing.)
Make my wildest dreams come true.
I got jinxes, I got hexes,
I got things I ain’t even tried.
And I got fiends from the other side.
Lich & Marilith & Kraken & Tiamat : He’s got fiends from the other side.
The fiends, the fiends, the fiends will fell.
Earth, fire, water, wind and then again as well.
The fiends, the fiends, will slay thee.
Scarmiglione & Cagnazzo & Barbariccia & Rubicante : Ooh, ooh.
Now you, Dive Man, think can control the sea.
Two fiends to water are like royalty.
For your pharaoh, fire fiends to make sure that she is fried.
My fiends will knock you high, my fiends'll bring you low
For each of you there is a fiend that I do in fact know
I do have a fiend for each, right yo?
Rubicante : Yes, that is true.
I got a lich for your skeleton to make you frown.
My earth fiends will crush your Drill Man in the face.
I’m very mean.
So very mean, so very mean.
Killing you is my creed.
And you'll need more than a suture.
For your death is foreseen.
Any of my fiends can shatter Bright's bulb as their crime.
The fiends are bound to kill all your life.
The fiends are bound to kill perhaps smother.
Dust, Ring, and every other,
My eight elemental fiends here are bound to kill you with strife.
Tiamat will devour your Toad with glee.
But will the rest of you live long enough to see.
These eight fiends aren’t toys.
Though I do have two complete sets in hand.
Are you ready?
Lich & Marilith & Kraken & Tiamat : Are you ready?
Are you ready?
Your Destruction Central.
Scarmiglione & Cagnazzo & Barbariccia & Rubicante : Your destruction central.
My Formation Central.
Lich & Marilith & Kraken & Tiamat : His formation central.
The Comrade Damnation Central.
You’re dying, you’re dying,
You’re dying all right.
I for one am satisfied.
But if you ain’t, don’t blame me.
You can blame my fiends from the other side.
Ha, ha ha.
Scarmiglione & Cagnazzo & Barbariccia & Rubicante & Lich & Marilith & Kraken & Tiamat :
He got what he wanted.
But you’ll lose what you have.
(And with that song and dance number, Lazul makes his escape while two sets of fiends engage the comrades. Orchestral music builds in the background.)
Dust Man : Now I remember. He preferred to avoid direct fights and could summon demons. He might have been running a criminal empire with two sidekicks. Oddly enough, that led to far fewer problems than one would think.
Bright Babe : Why did we let him use a musical number to summon eight devils?
Dive Man : Well, guess it’s time ta do God’s work.
Lich : I can’t believe we have to work with these copycats.
Barbariccia : Copycats? We at least make sense. What does a skeleton have to do with earth? Why is a wingless dragon air instead of fire?
Tiamat : And what does half naked chick have to do with air? Oh, I get it now. An airheaded bimbo.
Barbariccia : Why you…
Rubicante : You do not talk us that way.
Cagnazzo : Yeah, we’re definitely better than you.
Marilith : What? You’re Fiend of Fire is more effeminate than I am.
Rubicante : I am fashionably dressed as befitting someone of my stature!
Kraken : Ho, ho, ho… Two members of your team look like hoes!
Scarmiglione : Guys…
Lich : Just let them work this out.
Ring Man : … Do we even have to do anything here?
Drill Man : It seems your trap failed.
Ring Man : I had nothing to do with this, I never even met Lazul before!
Drill Man : A likely story.
Skull Man : It appears we can be just as bad. We should use this time to formulate a strategy.
Pharaoh Woman : I will seek the blessings of the Egyptian god of battle… Ummm.. was that Bast or Horus? *turns to Dust Man expectantly.*
Dust Man : Both are war gods and there several more. Such as Anhur, Sekhmet, Menhit-
Pharaoh Woman : I will pray to Bast as she is a kitty, most sacred of all Egyptian creatures.
Dust Man : Sekhmet was also a lioness.
Pharaoh Woman : Ooh… That will be doubly sacred then if I pray to both and receive twice as many blessings.
Dust Man : …
Bright Babe : You want to continue listing war gods don’t you.
Dust Man : And explain their differences, yes.
Skull Man : I have formulated a strategy.
Dive Man : Couldn’t wait for the rest o’ us to pipe in?
Skull Man : Deemed that unnecessary and time consuming. We do not know how much longer are enemies will continue to bicker.
Rubicante : It is fashionable, damn it!
Skull Man : At the moment they are bunched. To start we should all fire at the group to try and maximize damage. Afterwards, we shall work off assumed elemental weaknesses. Geoff and Flippy will deal with the two Fire Fiends. While Geoff lacks actual water based attacks, he should be able to protect Flippy and handle the fire attacks. Sean and Avi should go after the two Earth Fiends. They appear potentially susceptible to flames and perhaps Dust Crusher will work on other skeletal based structures. AM and John shall face the two Water Fiends. I suspect drills will be necessary to pierce the shell one of them has and the other has numerous tentacles that I expect could be easily cut off. Jet and I shall handle the Air Fiends. Neither of us have attacks that could be disrupted by wind and I imagine Flash Stopper disorienting them will allow me to get in close. Also by splitting them by element we pair them each with someone they dislike working with.
Dive Man : If I haf to be stuck with Flippy can I at least get one of the chicks?
Skull Man : The snake woman is one of the Fire Fiends.
Dive Man : Wait, her? Not the dragon?
Skull Man : Were you paying attention at all?
Dive Man : Not really.
Drill Man : Everyone, let’s transform and roll out!
Ring Man : None of us transform and they're right over there!
Drill Man : Shush, I have no time for your double speak.
Tiamat : And that in conclusion is why I despite being a wingless, multi-headed dragon am the Fiend of Air.
Cagnazzo : That does make sense now. I’m glad we got tha-
(A barrage of attacks suddenly hits the eight fiends.)
Scarmiglione & Cagnazzo & Barbariccia & Rubicante & Lich & Marilith & Kraken & Tiamat : AAUGH!!!
Kraken : Right, we have these idiots to fight.
Barbariccia : We’ll fight them first then each other.
Marilith : Sounds good.
Dust Man : Let’s see how well this works! *Fires off several Dust Crushers*
Lich : Ow! Why is that working?
Scarmiglione : I got dust in my eyes!
Lich : You are a Fiend of Earth!
Scarmiglione : It’s different!
Dust Man : That proved better than expected.
Pharaoh Woman : Move aside! Allow me to show them the infinite might of Ra! *Fires off Pharaoh Shots*
Lich & Scarmiglione : ARGH!
Toad Man : I’m helping! *Use Rain Flush to create Acid Rain*
Marilith & Rubicante : GAH!
Rubicante : I’ll take care of that meddlesome Toad, you take care of the other.
Marilith : Understood.
Dive Man : Did it hurt?
Rubicante : DIE! *swats Toad Man*
Marilith : What?
Toad Man : WHEEE! *Bounces off the ground and goes flying*
Dive Man : When you fell from heaven?
Rubicante : Come back here!
Marilith : … Really? We are doing this?
Toad Man : THIS IS AMAZING! BOINGY! BOINGY! BOINGY! *Continues to bounce along the ground as acid rain falls from the sky*
Dive Man : Hey, it’s a classic. Beside if it did, I have some say with the boss upstairs. How’d ya like to be an angel of fire? Raining holy flames down from above, getting to purge heretics and heathens.
Rubicante : Why don’t you die?!
Marilith : Hmmm... I don’t know. Fiend of Fire has been my thing, though I am kind of pissed that they let someone else use that title. It was supposed to be mine and mine alone!
Toad Man : Why don’t I kick it up a notch, bam!
Dive Man : And we’d never do that to you. Why don’t you come with me and we’ll discuss this more? I know a nice bar near here. I can buy you a drink, we can talk…
Marilith : Maybe, but- Gah! The acid rain! How did I forget that?! You tricked me!
Marilith & Rubicante: ARGH!
Dive Man : Flippy?! What the hell! I had a good thing goin’ there!
Toad Man : *Covered in scorch marks* I helped!
Dive Man : I’ll show ya! *Slugs Toad Man*
Cagnazzo : AAAHHH! HELP!
Drill Man : *Standing on top of Cagnazzo* Hmmm… I think I found a weak spot, here! *Jabs a drill into the fiend’s shell*
Cagnazzo : GAH! Get it off me! GET IT OFF ME!
Kraken : I would, but I’m running out of tenta-*A Ring Boomerang suddenly slices off a limb* ACK! STOP THAT!
Ring Man : Why? You’re trying to kill us too.
Drill Man : I think that is the last charge I need to place.
Cagnazzo : *Explodes* AUGH!
Kraken : Damn it! I won’t forget this!
Ring Man : No! You are not getting away! *Throws a Ring Boomerang, slicing off another tentacle*
Kraken : I’ll crawl if I have to! *Explodes*
Drill Man : *Cleaning a drill arm* There. Now you can’t let him escape and report back to your not so secret masters.
Ring Man : You kill stealed! I had that!
Tiamat : MY EYES! I CAN’T SEE ANYTHING! *His heads begin to lunge and collide into one another*
Barbariccia : I can’t see where I’m flying! *Crashes into a building*
Bright Babe : Huh, looks like you are right.
Skull Man : That was more effective than I expected. Let us now finish them off. *Fires buster*
Bright Babe : Let’s. *Fires buster*
Tiamat & Barbariccia : Uggh!
(Orchestra music starts to fade away.)
Ring Man : Good job, Hunter. That was surprisingly easy.
Pharaoh Woman : Of course it was. Not even demonic fiends could scratch your wise and noble ruler.
Drill Man : Almost too easy. Like it wasn’t supposed to be something that could actually take us.
Ring Man : Really?
Dust Man : No, wait. We were called into deal with a disturbance, something capable of dealing with a whole squadron of RPD officers. We saw smoke in the distance. Lazul seemed to summon those fiends when we arrived and had no other minions with him. Something does not add up.
Skull Man : Your logic is sound. This was a distraction.
(Sounds of battle can be heard in the distance. The comrades rush and find ruined buildings, covered in some crystalline structure. Two figures are engaged in an epic sword battle.)
Calibur Joe : Impressive. But Elysium will not be delayed! *Swings his blade*
Fierce Deity Fire Toad Man : … *Swings his blade to block, the resulting collision creating a wave of energy that shakes the surrounding area*
Skull Man : Hmm… *Fires a buster shot, but it dissipates before reaching its target*
Dive Man : Hah! That all ya got? Let me show ya how it’s done! *Fires off a Dive Missile, but the energy waves from the fight knocks it off course*
Ring Man : You were saying?
Dive Man : Shut it.
Toad Man : Never fear! Flippy is here! *Tries to leap at the two warriors, but as he gets close is sent flying backwards and into the ground* AGAIN! *… Repeats the process* WHEEE!
Bright Babe : There has to be something we can do!
Kachen : Oh, there is.
Toad Man : AAAAA! A BIRD! AAAAAA! Okay, I’m good now. *begins to lick a crystal*
Kachen : I have two items in my disposal that I’d be willing to lend as a favor to such good friends.
Dive Man : We ain’t playin’ any more o’ your games!
Kachen : Really? Such a shame. And so unfortunate for that poor family.
Civilian : Thank you for saving us, Flippy.
Fierce Deity Fire Toad Man : !!! I AM NOT FLIPPY! *Smacks the civilian sending her flying into a wall*
Child : MOMMY!
Fierce Deity Fire Toad Man : … No… Why did I…
Calibur Joe : Yes! End humanity! *Swings at the small child*
Fierce Deity Fire Toad Man : *Blocks the blade coming in at the child* …
Calibur Joe : Or continue this pointless fight. No matter. You shall all fall and Elysium will reign eternal!
Kachen : But I guess I should just leave if I’m not welcome here.
Pharaoh Woman : We must save them!
Drill Man : Damn you! Fine, I’ll take one of your items!
Skull Man : As will I.
Bright Babe : What? Why?
Drill Man : We have to do something and I’m not going to let someone else take this if I can. Besides, I believe even John's machinations wouldn't stoop this low.
Ring Man : Gee… Thanks…
Skull Man : There are some concerns said items may affect emotional states. In which case I believe I would be less susceptible than the rest of you.
Bright Babe : You don’t have to do this.
Pharaoh Woman : Yes, there must be another way! The gods must show it to us! Please!
Kachen : No worries, I’m sure everything will be fine. *Hands over a mask and a sword*
Drill Man : Team, it has been an honor and if you need to… Do what you need to. *Puts on the mask*
Skull Man : I repeat his sentiment. *Draws sword*
Majora Drill Man: *Levitates and flies to the battlefield, summoning and firing drills of dark energy*
Nightmare Skull Man : … I have seen the Inferno. It is all that awaits. *Charges into the battlefield swinging his blade*
Fierce Deity Fire Toad Man : ! *Begins to deflect the dark energy drills with his sword and try to move in close to Majora Drill Man *
Calibur Joe : Elysium’s eternal foe! I will slay thee for her! *Meets Nightmare Skull Man and crosses blades with him*
Bright Babe : This is wrong…
Dust Man : There has to be something better to do.
Dive Man : Unless ya want ta join me in prayer, don’t know what the rest of ya could be doing.
Toad Man : I’ll be the hero! *Jumps into the brawl and is sent flying skyward* YIPEE!
Dust Man : Look, there sacrifice isn't even accomplishing something! The brawl has only gotten bigger.
Ring Man : I don’t see another option and it’s kind of late to voice complaints.
Pharaoh Woman : I am sorry noble vacuum, but my eyes-
Dust Man : That’s it! Eyes!
Pharaoh Woman : What is it? I mean, yes. That is it. Please explain so your pharaoh does not have to.
Dust Man : They all still have eyes. Or at least I think AM still does. If we can stun them for even a second, then we could knock off the masks or knock the swords out of their hands. The fiends were weak to Jet earlier, I see no reason why these guys would not be.
Bright Babe : That’s great, but I’d need to get close to them to ensure it works. And I don’t think I could take a hit from any of them.
Ring Man : Maybe if we had someone run in front and block. But other than Hunter and his shield, I’m not sure who could do so.
Toad Man : *Crashes down in front of the group* This is the best! I’m going again!
Dive Man : Wait, jus' one second there.
Dust Man : That may work.
Pharaoh Woman : We shall always remember this sacrifice, ... valiant? No... Noble? No... We shall always remember this sacrifice, simple toad.
Dive Man : Now first, up ya go. *Picks up Bright Babe and places her on top of Toad Man* And now ya. *Then picks up Toad Man*
Bright Babe : I’m not sure this is a good idea.
Toad Man : I think this is the best idea.
Dive Man : *Begins to wind up* Jet, jus' remember ta use Flippy as a shield. And if ya can, push him in the way o' attacks not even comin' ya way. *Throws the two of them*
Toad Man : WHEEE!!!
Bright Babe : I NEVER AGREED TO THIS!
(Toad Man and Bright Babe land in the middle of the four combatants. Toad Man lands is sent flying into the air and Bright Babe quickly utilizes her Flash Stopper to send out a burst of blinding light.)
Fierce Deity Fire Toad Man & Majora Drill Man & Calibur Joe & Nightmare Skull Man : !
Ring Man : NOW!
(A Pharaoh Shot crashes into Calibur Joe’s hands, A Dust Crusher collides into Nightmare Skull Man’s Arms, a Dive Missile hits Majora Drill Man’s face, and a Ring Boomerang lands on Fierce Deity Fire Toad Man’s head. The masks fall loose and the swords slip from their wielders’ grips.)
Bright Babe : It worked?
(The items then start to glow and shake. Some of them begin to float on their own.)
Bright Babe : Guys?
Ring Man : Shoot! What do we now?
Dust Man : Now? We hope this works! *Activates vacuum and pulls in the four items*
(The four magical artifacts somehow find their way into Dust Man’s vacuum. The vacuum begins to brightly glow and shake before finally exploding.)
Dust Man : *Missing a chunk of his head and roughly half his body* I… I…. Ow. Just ow.
Drill Man : *Gets up off the ground* Ouch, I doubt anyone else is in this much pain. *Looks at Dust Man* I will admit I was wrong. John?
Ring Man : You can't be accusing me of this.
Drill Man : I was going to ask you to search for any medical supplies... I assume your reports to your secret masters can wait that long.
Skull Man : You theorized they were each best suited for defeating the other and used your abilities to try to force constant contact and collisions between them while containing said energy.
Dust Man : Not my- not my- not my- not my… best idea but-t-t-t-t it worked.
Toad Man : *Crashes down to earth, an arm goes flying off* This has been the best day ever! *Picks up arm and starts eating it.*
Pharaoh Woman : I think we should see the royal vizier for repairs. Your pharaoh has decreed it so!
Skull Man : Affirmative.
(A short distance away.)
Scissor Joe : No. Elysium... I will- *bursts into flames*
Fire Toad Man : ... I should leave now.
What a lot of fun.
You guys have been real swell.
And there’s not a one,
Who can’t say this ended well.
Kachen : Really? I’m certain you can’t.
We all brought this city to ruin,
But can any of you say that you did win?
Smithy : Fair. Those swords brought destruction, but they were matched by his masks. And the only reason that it lasted so long was that the comrades were delayed by Lazul.
Happy Mask Salesman : So, I guess we could say we all won but Kachen.
Kachen : Not quite. This was a game between demons. If you recall, I said I was bringing in pieces not players.
Smithy : I am no piece in anyone’s game.
Kachen : Who gave you the swords, who brought you here, who put you in this fight, and who chose the second wielder?
Smithy : Hurrumph.
Happy Mask Salesman : Calling the two of us mortals you influenced. Not a bad twist and makes us immune to being the loser.
Kachen : And for Lazul…
Lazul : *Enters and stares at Sweet* I serve chaos and Kachen, not you. I purposefully messed with my summons, made them weaker than they should have been. Let them die and be defeated for his plan.
Kachen : And the Comrades never had any big impressive musical numbers that we saw. Nor did the final confrontation have any singing. I'd say I control all the pieces on the board and you don't have a single one to your name. Does that sound right?
(That’s why you kept me from doing that transition!)
Sweet : … Now I gotta run.
Kachen : Ending your melodies? Mask Salesman, play us out.
Happy Mask Salesman : Of course. *A piano appears and a melody is played.*
Kachen : While I hate to get my hands dirty, time to end this game. *Sends a burst of magical energy at the demon Sweet.*
Sweet : SEE YOU ALL IN HELL! *Bursts apart and his remains then swirl together to form a single mask.
Happy Mask Salesman : Hmm.. *Picks up the mask* I’m not sure this is an adequate state to replace these two masks. *Holds up a broken Majora’s Mask and Fierce Deity's Mask* But these ones do help to lessen the pain. *Holds up eight more masks bearing a resemblance to the various elemental fiends* And I did get plenty of far less impressive ones from all those civilians. Definitely helps restock my shop though.
Kachen : Those and the swords can be reforged, maybe with a bit less power and without me throwing in any extra kick this time.
Smithy : The blades were interesting, but they had their flaws. I prefer weapons that are a bit more obedient to me. Next time you play a game with your fellow demons, keep me out of it! *Leaves*
Happy Mask Salesman : Ah, I’m certain he’ll calm down and that this isn’t our last meeting or parting. Let me know next time you are having another game. *Leaves*
Lazul : So this is how you work, Lord of Change? You manipulate everyone and let them leave empowered with ire aimed at you?
Kachen : Is that what it seems? I removed a lesser demon that could have messed with my plans while saving his power to be used if necessary, the Happy Mask Salesman will be easily bribed later with promises of more masks, I summoned a smith capable of forging grand weapons I may later need under the cover of a petty argument, set a potential hero on the path to villainy, and gained a cultist which I’ve lacked on this world. You must learn to see things more than their face value. I thought you had some understanding of the concept.
Lazul : And you forced two comrades to make a decision they may have not that will allow you to manipulate them later. These plans will let you gain the power to grant my wish?
Kachen : But of course.
Lazul : Then that is all I need to know. *Leaves*
(He’s going to try to betray you later.)
Kachen : I’ve already accounted for that. He is nowhere near as smart as he thinks he is. Only two Comrades?
(Back at Cossack’s Comrades’ home base…)
Kalinka : And there… How is that feel?
Dust Man : Well… *Stretches* I feel better than I did before at least, but I feel like I just went through an industrial scrubber.
Kalinka : Because you did. You had some weird foreign materials trying to bond to your armor. I did my best to remove and isolate them for later study. Then I replaced every part I worried might be contaminated. Between all the damages you suffered and that, I’d say I almost had to replace every piece of you.
Dust Man : Sorry.
Kalinka : Don’t worry. Now go see the rest of the team. I’m sure they were worried regardless of what they say otherwise.
Dust Man : Thanks. *Leaves*
Kalinka : CL-DOS, pull up the data we have on the fragments.
CL-DOS : Very well. The fragments seem to still possess mystical and unknown properties of a likely corrupting nature.
Kalinka : Pull up the data from the various Energon strains that Powell had been experimenting on. Along with baseline Energon for comparison.
CL-DOS : Certainly.
Kalinka : Pull up the medical data we have on the Ing and the Shroob. Also those Zerg and Protoss creatures that attacked the base while I was out.
CL-DOS : … Okay.
Kalinka : Now, Phazon.
CL-DOS : Sure.
Kalinka : I need what we have on the Cell Medals and the limited data from when I was infected by the Zonder Metal.
CL-DOS : Where are you going with all of this?
Kalinka : Finally, pull up all we have on the properties of Transmetal.
CL-DOS : You can’t possibly be-
Kalinka : Don’t worry, I’m not. But I think it might be time for a new approach and to try and decipher what Powell is really having his scientists cook up. See if you can also get any information on Limited, Evil Energy, and any other similar substance or organism from the RPD. I have a few hypotheses I want to explore.
(And elsewhere still…)
Prometheus : From the wreckage we were able to acquire some interesting fragments that Anna Burke and her fellow scientists are beginning to analyze. She says that a rather promising new material has fallen into our laps.
Porter : Good, good.
Met Daddy : And how will this help my people?
Porter : Patience, patience. We also believe may have identified a few new possible members for our plan. We may be able to speed things up slightly.
Met Daddy : Good. We will not wait forever.
Porter : Don’t worry. As they all say, good things come to those that wait.
AM as Drill Man Sean as Dust Man Geoff as Dive Man
Jet as Bright Babe Hunter as Skull Man
John as Ring Man Avi as Pharaoh Woman Flippy as Toad Man