Gauntlet's Guide to Green Ranger!

And I mean the FIRST Green Ranger, Tommy Oliver, not those other geeks.

THE GOOD

Here's the low down on the teens in spandex. The witch Rita Repulsa escaped he dumpster and so her ancient nemesis Zordon asked his pet robot Alpha to "Bring me some teenagers with attitude." I guess Alpha couldn't find any so we got the Power Rangers. So the Rangers face villains like Pudgy Pig and Chunky Chicken (and, yes, Rita was stoned when she made them) so finally Rita decided to use this Green Power Coin she had lying around to make herself an evil Green Ranger.

Now, in that very episode, Tommy just beat the leader of the PR team in a marital arts tournament, meaning he's a better fighter than the leader of the PR team. Then he gets the power coin. Rita puts him under a spell and - presto chango we have a winner!

On his very first day out, Tommy pulls out tricks the other rangers have never seen before. He chucks a green energy ball at the spandex suckers sending them flying. And, while the other multicolored morons use their special weapons, Green Ranger uses just his Blade Blaster (note: a little weenie gun that can flip into a weenie little dagger) to thrash their ass! And it gets better! The Rangers summon their Megazord and Green Ranger just comes right on in and kicks them out of their own robot!

But that's not all. He goes to their Command Center and sends Zordon spinning off into other dimensions and he gives Alpha a virus effectively cutting the Rangers off from their main source of information. He receives his Sword of Darkness which makes him 10 times more powerful and grows to thrash the Megazord! And then he gets the best zord - Dragonzord and starts pulling the Rangers apart like the amateurs they are!

And then he was released from the spell. You'd think that'd slow him down, but not my man Tommy. While the other Rangers danced in front of the villains yelling threats one at a time and doing their thing, Tommy broke out in jump kicks and took the villains down. And he didn't go along with the zoo crew of Rangers either. He appeared only to save their asses and call the Dragonzord. No stupid rain dances from this guy, no need for lame teamwork, Green Ranger was all the team he needed. Conversations went like this:

Red Ranger: OH NO!!!

Green Ranger: What is it?? Has Zed sent down a nuclear bomb set to go off any minute??

Red Ranger: Worse....Pudgy Pig is back!!! And he's hungrier than ever!

Yellow Ranger: Pudgy Pig - oh no!

Green Ranger: Hunh?? Pudgy Pig? I got up for this?

Red Ranger: It's morphin' time!!

Green Ranger: Ummmmmmmmmm..yeah.

And while we never seen him openly snub the Rangers.....you just know he did. In retrospect, he probably wasn't as cool as he seemed. Put against guys like Batman and he's Joe blow, but just the fact that he was in a team where the Black Ranger danced to defeat the bad guys ...... well, he just seemed all that cooler.

Pink Ranger: All right, pig, you're bacon!

Blue Ranger: Blue's gonna pound on you!

Black Ranger: You're gonna -

Green Ranger: What the hell are you guys doin? Let's get him already!

Yellow Ranger: Hey, you gotta let us do our threat-dance! Didn't Zordon ever tell you that it is bad omen to interrupt the threat dance?

Green Ranger: But we don't even all need to be here! You can just call the Sabertooth tiger Dinozord and squash him like a bug!

Red Ranger: Oh, Tommy, you have alot to learn! First we do the dance of threats. Then the villain will grow. Then we'll all call our giant robots. Then YOU can call your Dragonzord to form the MegaDragonzord! Then we'll call Titanus to form the Ultrzord!

Green Ranger: .......

Yellow Ranger: And then we'll use only our most powerful gun to destroy Rita's deadly monster!

Green Ranger: Deadly monster? You mean Pudgy Pig.

And so Green Ranger just showed up long enough to call the Dragonzord and then he split.

THE BAD

Eventually tho, Green Ranger left. Perhaps the other Rangers just didn't like the competition. Well, They couldn't decide on whether to keep him or let him die. First he lost his powers to the Green Candle (made from special wax Rita just remembered she had). Then he got them sorta back, but needed to recharge. Then Zed sucked em dry. Then Zed made a clone Tommy and gave him all his powers at full! Then after, what should have been a great showdown between the Green and White rangers, the new Tommy and the Tommy of old ...... it lasted 2 minutes. Then Tommy decided to live in colonial times because he felt 2 Tommys were too many.

Now why, why, WHY would anyone live in colonial times??? Not only does it have no electricity, but it is the armpit of all ages. The Dark Ages had King Arthur and knights. 1940's had World War 2 (sweet if you know yer gonna win). But no....he went to colonial times. It was about here where I really started to resent Power Rangers. I could watch them and say, "It's not all bad, there was Green Ranger and 1 or 2 cool villains", but no more.

Clone GR: Well guys I think this is it.

Pink Ranger: But where will you go now?

Gauntlet: No, it can't end like this. He'll stay and help out as a reserve member!

Clone GR: Well, even though my power is at full, and my Dragonzord is again fully functional, I will now stay in colonial times where they have no electricity or toilets.

Gauntlet: What?? Well, the other Rangers will probably take his coin and put it to good use.

Pink Ranger: We'll miss you, Clone Tommy!

Real Tommy: See ya, man! We'll let you keep your coin as a memento, not like it'll come in handy or anything!

Gauntlet: Well.....there must be a part where The Green Ranger returns!

TV: Next on Power Rangers, the evil CHUNKY CHICKEN returns!! Will our heroes survive his might?? Tune in on the next POWER RANGERS!!

Gauntlet...........DAMMIT!!!!

And thus ended the career of the Green Ranger.

AND THE WHITE RANGER

Now, after Green Ranger bit the dust the second time, they decided to bring Tommy back as the White Ranger. Zordon all of a sudden knew how to make Power Rangers and just whipped up a Ranger all by himself. All seemed well. The coolness of the Green Ranger would live on. His style....his advanced combat skills....all would survive! And then, on his very first appearance,.......he did a dance of joy. A FREAKING DANCE OF JOY!!! I refer to this as the White Ranger dance. Now he did as much dancing as all of the other Rangers! He also had a talking weapon.....THAT HE LISTENED TO! And it just got worse! What was his gig for next season? To get turned into a KID with no powers at all and to leave the job to stoned aliens with stupid foreheads! And if that wasn't bad enough, he then became the Red Zeo Ranger. Zordon now thought it would look spiffy if all the Rangers wore shapes on their helmets! Tommy ran around doing the White Ranger Dance and now he had a nice, big star on his helmet! Oh, isn't he pretty! Well, this was oh-so much better than the Green Ranger! Finally, he left the show (probably to save his manhood from more White Ranger dances and head-bobbing) when Power Rangers Turbo came out, whose main villain was a spaz in a rusty submarine.

I am Gauntlet and this has been Gauntlet's guides.