Gauntlet's Guide to Ninja Turtles: The Next Mutation

Shows all have good points and bad points. In this particular case, the bad outweigh the good. Yes, I am no fan of the Next Mutation TV show. So, perhaps my views are somewhat clouded by the fact that I could barely stand to watch episodes of this terrible attempt to remake the TMNT franchise.

But, I digress. For those of you who live under a ROCK, you should know that the Turtles franchise is about 4 mutant turtles who have ninja capabilities that fight (primarily) against the forces of Shredder and the foot clan. Well, the next mutation apparently takes place in the movie continuity (despite the fact that Shredder's still alive after being very dead in TMNT 2). The Turtles have new costumes ... in fact everybody has new costumes. Shredder looks pretty stupid, but that's opinion. Anyway, lo and behold there's suddenly a fifth turtle! And, for some reason, she has mystical powers! And a new villain, the Dragon Lord, who wants to enslave the Earth or something. The turtles pissed him off and now he's mad at them and won't leave them alone and, rather than attack a different area of the world, he picks fights with them endlessly.

Now, I wouldn't say the series was a TOTAL waste of time. The costumes were all right for the most part. The suits for live action were well-made for most characters.

My praises end there. The rest was sheer debauchery. The stores were mind-numbingly dull. "Mindless turtle clones", "stupid mad scientist", it's all there. The stories were pitiful and uninteresting. While the TMNT cartoon show wasn't the epitome of good story telling, at least I knew WHY Krang wanted to take over the world and WHY the turtle's villains targeted them. This "Dragon Lord" can strike anywhere, why dies he choose to constantly attack the turtles? But, TV logic being what it is, I don't suppose villains necessarily need to have a logical reason for doing anything.

And what ever happened to the turtle's as having different personalities? In the Next mutation, none of them argue or disagree on anything. One's pretty much as good as another.

Next up is that Venus DeMilo chick. First problem: the turtles are based on Renaissance artists. The Venus DeMilo is a Greek statue made FAR before the Renaissance. Venus is a pretty useless character anyway. The "token female character" of the series. Also, why is it that any foreign characters immediately have to act like idiots? All right, mixing up popular phrases is cute once, but by the end of the series I wanted to hit her! It's like Mummies Alive with their "Let's kick Tut" slogan. Mildly amusing at first, but wholly overdrawn. For fun, an example of a conversation found in the show:

Mike: Aw, man! This pizza sucks!

Venus: Sucks? I do not understand. Does it intake air like a vacuum cleaner?

Mike: No, it sucks.

Venus: Again I have failed to comprehend. How does it suck?

Mike: Well, it's a week old for one thing! And it has mold on it.

Venus: Oh, so by "suck" you mean it's bad?

And there you go. It really wouldn't have been so horrible if it was just a couple of times. Even that 70's show has Fez does the idiot foreigner routine. But, damn it, it's every episode! And what does she do in a fight? Throws these fireballs, and occasionally manages to hit something. I usually look down during the first and hear her utter "oops" more times than actual hitting noises.

Which brings me to another point. The fight scenes. While, the scenes in and of themselves aren't bad, the sound effects kill the experience. Leo hits someone and then, does a hitting sound come on? No. It's a horn blowing. Good God, a horn! Even the 70's Batman shows could do appropriate sound effects. In fact, the first time I saw the show, it reminded me of this old Garfield episode where Odie took control of the sound effects and everything just isn't sound right. The entire series was that bad. In fact, if there was only ONE factor I could choose out of the entire mess, it would be the crummy sound effects!! Hitting someone does NOT make s buzzing sound. Hitting someone does NOT make a woman screaming sound! Or a DOG BARKING!! It sounds like someone HIT YOU!! Blazing trumpets like in 70's Batman were better than the crummy job done on the sound effects for the series. In fact out of the entire amount of TV shows and media I've EVER watched, the Next Mutation had the most HORRIBLE SOUNDS EVER!

And, unless I have missed something this show is still about teenagers, right? Well, Venus has been established as to not be their sister (at last from what I understand), so with 4 males and no other mutant female turtles in the ENTIRE WORLD, you'd think at least ONE of them would show interest in Venus in more than a friendly way? It makes no sense to me that they can not notice that she's a chick and in fact, the ONLY chick available tot hem. You'd think that they'd at least try to DATE her! But, this being the show that it is, they are content with being friends. The turtles act macho and chauvinistic as well, because as you all know ALL teenagers EVERYWHERE must be macho and chauvinistic, right? Naturally. And, naturally she braids her bandana. Because the kiddies couldn't tell she's a girl with her breasts and hint of a figure.

As I watch shows like this I wonder, "if I were in charge how would I make them?" Good question. Well, if we're sticking to the Next Mutation continuity, I'd make Venus evil and cold-hearted. The Turtles have never had an INTELLIGENT evil turtle foe before, so Venus would make a great villain. An Dragon Lord should display intelligence. I'd also make fights SOUND like fights and not cats being beaten to death by pizza!!

I am Gauntlet and this has been Gauntlet's guides.