NEW Sinister Six in:
Six City: That Orange Bastard!
*Detective Elecman is
chasing after E.S. Junior, suspected child
kidnapper. After a short chase, Det. Elecman corners him
at the docks with his hostage, an old Virtual Boy
strapped to her head with his finger on the ‘on’
E.S. Junior: Don’t come any closer, Detective! You
know what these things can do! They can give you a pretty
bad headache in only a few minutes!
Little Girl: Help meee!! The suck is starting to rub
off on me!
Det. Elecman: …Wait. That’s it? You were just going to
make her play Virtual Boy?
E.S. Junior: Well, yeah…What did you think I was
planning on doing?
Det. Elecman: Well…Nothing. The Virtual Boy thing is
pretty sick, but not as bad as what I was thinking.
E.S. Junior: Huh?...Oh…OH! Hey, what the hell do you
think I am, huh? Some kinda sicko?
Det. Elecman: Well…
E.S. Junior: I mean, making people play outdated and
poorly conceived video game systems is one thing, but
Det. Elecman: Yeah, my bad…
E.S. Junior: I mean, I’d have to be completely
soulless to do THAT to her…Nobody should be forced to play
Superman 64! Not ever!
Det. Elecman: (Err…Not exactly what I meant, but
alright)…Uh, well…I guess I should be arresting you or
E.S. Junior: Hey! There’s nothing illegal about making
kids play bad video games!
Det. Elecman: But there IS something illegal about
kidnapping said kids in order to make them play said
E.S. Junior: Bah! Technicalities!
Det. Elecman: Alright, screw this…*shoots E.S. Junior
in the nuts*
E.S. Junior: WAAAUGH!! Dude, what the hell?! You shot
me in the balls, man!
Det. Elecman: Sorry…I was aiming for you hand, but I
guess I missed…
E.S. Junior: ‘I guess I missed”?!
Det. Elecman: Hey, I said I was sorry!
E.S. Junior: Not cool!
*Bob Bombman sneaks up on Det.
Elecman from behind, knocking him out with his gun’s
Bob Bombman: You ass king! You punched me in the face
earlier before this ep started! I don’t have a whole lot
going there as it is, bastard! Oh yeah, plus this guy is
some senator’s spoiled kid or something. I dunno. You’re
probably going to go to prison for a few years for
shooting him in the balls.
E.S. Junior: Yeah! Daddy’s a senator! Plus we’re gonna
frame you for the Virtual Boy thing!
Bob Bombman: Uhh…You do know I’m a cop, right?
Probably shouldn’t have outright said that in front of me…
E.S. Junior: Quiet! Or we’ll frame you for the Jack
the Ripper killings! We have THAT much power, dude!
Bob Bombman: Hey, I don’t even know who this dude is!
*Kicks Elecman’s body and runs away* I have some overdue
library books to return! Uh, bye!
E.S. Junior: Dammit, all of this getting shot in the
cash and prizes business has made me tired. I think I’ll
go into a coma for a few months while my daddy has some
weird ass surgery done to me to grow back my nuts so he
can have grandkids. Wow! What a stretch!
*E.S. Junior passes out as an
ambulance shows up to whisk away both men to the hospital*
???: Are you awake,
Det. Elecman (laying in a hospital bed):…Uhhh…
???: Thank you for
saving me from that evil video game weirdo! Who knows what
would have happened to me if I had played even a few
minutes of that stupid game system!
Det. Elecman: Uugh…I think you’d get a big headache…Kinda
like the one I have right now…
Little Girl: Way to take a hit for the team!
Elecman: What team?
Little Girl: You and me! We’re a team now! I fell in
love with you while you saved me!
Det. Elecman: Whoa! Hey now! I’m, like, 80 years old
in this story, and you’re, like, 6 or some shit-
Little Girl: I’m 10, silly. Remember that, cause it’ll
be important later on in the story.
Det. Elecman: …Riiight…Anyways, you shouldn’t fall in
love with me, cause it’s just plain weird.
Little Girl: I’ll still write to you while you’re in
Det. Elecman: Alrig- Hey! How did you know I was going
Little Girl: Oh, that weird guy’s father is outside,
waiting for me to finish up in here so he can tell you
that. Well, guess I’ll be going now! Bye! I love you!
Det. Elecman:…Dude, not cool…
Evil Senator: Well, you blew off my son’s nads.
Det. Elecman: Oh. Hi.
Evil Senator: He was supposed to have some decent
grandkids for me so I could spoil them even more than I
Det. Elecman: Is that even possible?
Evil Senator: *Sniff* I don’t know! Now I’ll never
Det. Elecman: Y’know, this state does have a pretty
good foster parent program. Maybe you could-
Evil Senator: Evil people don’t adopt! That’s too much
of a kind deed!
Det. Elecman: Sorry, bro.
Evil Senator: Well, I suppose the only logical
solution to all of this is to NOT punish my son for being
a weirdo, and instead frame you for his multiple parking
tickets AND Virtual Boy shenanigans!
Det. Elecman: Also not cool.
Senator: Say anything about this to anyone and I’ll
kill you! But hey, at least I’ll fix your heart condition
so you can sit in prison for a few decades and waste
Det. Elecman: Wow! You really ARE a politician!
*Det Elecman gets framed (surprise)
and ends up in prison. Each week he gets a letter from the
little girl, who uses the name “Apple” as her secret pen
*Eight years go by. Man, that guy had
a lot of unpaid parking tickets.*
Det. Elecman: I can’t believe it! Apple hasn’t sent a
letter in over a week! Something must be wrong!
*Orange Bastard appears in the
corner of the cell*
Det. Elecman: Wow man…You need some Tag or something!
You don’t smell very good!
Orange Bastard: *Punches Elecman in the face*
Det. Elecman: Dammit! I’m, like, 90! *knocked out*
*Det. Elecman wakes up sometime after
the Orange Bastard leaves and finds one of Apple’s letters
on the ground*
Det. Elecman: Oh crap, a finger instead of a letter!
Eww! Wait, this means they know where she is now! Then
again, it shouldn’t be all that difficult to track down a
little girl when you’re a senator…Anyways, guess I better
confess so I can go save her!
*Det Elecman shows up before the
Det. Elecman: …So yeah, sorry about taking up all of
those handicap spaces. At once. With my fleet of
limousines that say “I’m a senator’s kid” on the back
window. My bad. Oh yeah, sorry about that Virtual Boy
Parole Officer: It’s coo’,
bro. Well, you’re free, then! See ya!
Det. Elecman: Sweet! I’m gonna go hit up the strip
*Det. Elecman leaves the prison and
heads right towards the strip club for…uh…research…Yeah…*
Marv Gutsman: Cameo!
Det. Elecman: Hey! This is MY yarn! Wait your turn!
*Det. Elecman notices the Orange
Bastard and Apple. One of them is a stripper. Guess which
Marv Gutsman: Hey! Get that weird orange guy off the
stage and get Apple on!
*You guessed wrong*
Apple: Oh wow! It’s Det. Elecman! You’re out of
Det. Elecman: Wow, you’re hot! And legal now! Bonus!
Oh shit, it’s that Orange Bastard! I’ve accidentally lured
him right to you! Suckage! Let’s get into a car chase!
*Insert car chase scene here*
Orange Bastard: Augh! He shot me in the neck! THE
NECK! Seriously, what the hell!?
Det. Elecman: Well, he just went flying off the road.
Guess that’s what happens when you drive 80 year old
Cadillacs in the snow on a winding road. Go figure. Pull
over, Apple! Let’s make sure he’s dead…
*Det. Elecman and Apple pull over and
inspect the Orange Bastard’s wrecked car, but don’t find a
Det. Elecman: Y’know, I could have sworn that cop
school said something about dead people leaving behind
Apple: Or they explode and make a noise like “Doo, doo,
doo, doo…”, and then some victory music plays. I would
know, I’m a lawyer.
Det. Elecman: Oh…Well, maybe someone had the volume
turned down on the victory music this time.
Apple: Makes perfect sense to me! C’mon, let’s go back
to my place.
*Apple and Det. Elecman leave the
scene and go back to Apple’s place*
Det. Elecman: Well, I’m going to take the first shower
in eight years where I didn’t have to worry about dropping
the soap. I’ll be right back.
*Det. Elecman is showering when the
Orange Bastard shows up and punches him in the face!
Again! Man, he really lives up to his name!*
*A little while later, Det. Elecman
awakens to find himself hanging from the ceiling by his
underwear as the Orange Bastard holds Apple hostage with a
Orange Bastard: Do you recognize my voice, Det.
Det. Elecman: OMG!
Orange Bastard: That’s right! It’s me! The guy who’s
package you shot! My daddy had to shell out big bucks to
grow it back, but it dyed me orange for some dumb ass
reason. Weird, huh?
Det. Elecman: Yeah, pretty weird.
Orange Bastard: Anyways, I’m gonna finish what I
started eight years ago! She’s gonna be forced to play
Mario’s Tennis until her eyes bleed! Meanwhile, you’ll
hang there in the ultimate wedgie position until you pass
out! Then my cronies will come and shoot you! Nyah!
Det. Elecman: Wait, why don’t YOU shoot me? Wouldn’t
that make more sense?
Orange Bastard: Has anything in this story made any
sense at all so far?
Orange Bastard: Exactly! Well, see ya! Or not.
*Orange Bastard leaves with Apple in
Det. Elecman: Oh man, this sucks! It’s really
uncomfortable…Maybe if I willingly break the elastic I’ll
be free! Guess I’ll have to go commando style then.
*Minutes later, Orange Bastard’s
cronies show up to finish off Det. Elecman*
Cronie: Aw crap! He’s gone!
Det. Elecman: Not! *shoots both cronies…in the nuts*
Det. Elecman: Yeesh, gotta remember to shoot them in
the hands, not the nads. Ah well, I’ll remember next time.
Hey, they went to the farm, right?
Cronie: Y-yeah…Hey, how did
Det. Elecman: It’s almost the end of the epilogue!
Gotta speed things up!
*Det. Elecman steals the cronies’
Ferrari and drives to the farm where Orange Bastard is
just starting to force Apple’s face into the Virtual Boy*
Orange Bastard: Nyahaha! How do you like that, huh?!
Apple: Nooo! The goggles! They do nothing (good)!
Det. Elecman: Hold it right there!
Orange Bastard: Detective! You’ve escaped my brilliant
Det. Elecman:…Eh, it wasn’t all that great a plan.
Orange Bastard: And this isn’t all that great of an
epilogue! Never the less, it appears you were shot by my
guards outside! You can’t even lift that cannon!
Det. Elecman: Sure I can…
*Det. Elecman falls down from
Orange Bastard: Kyahaha!! Well, time to kill you,
Detective Elecman! With this knife! It’s gonna hurt…Here
it comes…Any time now…It’s comin’…Look out now…Stabbing to
occur any minute now…This knife is gonna-
Det. Elecman: Hurry it up already, I ain’t got all
Marv Gutsman: Hey, that’s MY line!
Det. Elecman: Get outta here!
Orange Bastard: Commence stabbing animation!
Det. Elecman: Commence countering and stabbing
animation of my own! Hah!
Orange Bastard: *Stabbed in the belly* Noo! Daddy!
Det. Elecman: *Looks around while Orange Bastard falls
to the ground. Shoots Orange Bastard in the balls. Again.*
Orange Bastard: WWAAUGHH!! You need a new hobby, man!!
Det. Elecman: Vicious gangland style beat down
*Det. Elecman punches Orange Bastard
in the head until it…melts. Or some shit. I dunno, go see
Det. Elecman: Apple! Are you alright?
Apple: I didn’t scream, Elecman…
Det. Elecman: Well, why not? I would have! That system
Apple: Well, whatever. Let’s go home.
Det. Elecman: No, I think I’ll stay and help the cops
put the Evil Senator in prison for this.
Apple: …Are you sure you’re not going to blow your
head off to make sure the Evil Senator doesn’t come after
Det. Elecman: Positive.
Apple: Okay! See you later then! *smooch*
Det. Elecman: See ya. *watches her leave* Sucker!
*Pulls out gun and puts it to his head* Hey, wait! I’ll
just do what the Evil Senator did and blame someone else!
Then I won’t have to shoot myself!
Hey, Marv! C’mere!