MONSTEROPOLIS EPISODE 2:
Rock and A Hard Place

By Hadrian (Hardman) Howell

“Welcome back to the sweet sound of my melodious voice you hopeless masses! Alia Lumine here with all the latest gossip in a variety of juicy flavors, served ice cold from the streets of the all-devouring city.

Rufus Shinral has dropped all charges against Steve Laharl, stating that the whole ordeal was a misunderstanding. Yeah, he’s right about that. Apparently Rufus didn’t understand that you don’t call a powerful psychopath like Laharl a murderer TO HIS FACE, you do it on the radio from an undisclosed location like mine! Laharl himself has declined to comment on the matter entirely, and has redirected all questions to Etna Evans, who’s even more likely to kill you with a wink and a nod than her boss! Businessmen in this town have certainly lost that edge for subtleness that we got from the corporate crooks of old, let me tell you.

My tickets to Dan Hibiki’s waterfront gala are still up for grabs, even more so now that Captain Commando won’t be there. He hasn’t shown that gorgeous face of his in public since that ass kicking he got from Megaman, and who can blame him? The guy looks like a total wuss compared to the champion of hunks! I’d want to crawl into a hole for a while to if my old college roommate one-uped me in the bedroom, and that’s the honest truth! Maybe not the same thing, but still true!

Hudson Manfred, known better as the Bomberman to the world at large, finally regained consciousness today in his prison cell at the Master Violen Correctional Facility. He hasn’t been allowed to talk to reporters yet, but I have a feeling he and Commando might just start their own little ‘I Hate Megaman’ web group soon.

Speaking of the boy in blue, Megaman’s identity remains a mystery. There are unconfirmed reports about a whole lot of stuff that may or may not be true, but right now the most common theory is that he’s the first in a series of answers to the city’s superheroes by the criminal element. Some people even claim to have it on good authority that Leomund Koopa’s money bankrolled Megaman’s armor and weapons.

But who are we kidding? You don’t want to hear about that! Not with Princess Peach Miyamoto skipping town on her husband yet again! One might almost begin to wonder if some other Italian is clearing her pipes somewhere outside the city limits, if you know what I mean. The Mayor himself is taking it well, stating with a funny accent “It’s-a important to-a focus on the issues at hand-a, and-a not on tabloid gossip doled out-a by talking heads.” Nice idea, but I don’t think Monsteropolis is listening.

No, we’re paying much closer attention to Daisy Kimball, Peach’s sister, and her very, VERY public appearances with Joe Viewston. These two cut up the dance floor at a local arts fundraiser I didn’t bother to learn the name of. And I gotta say, the tango, Joe? Very nice indeed! Maybe once your relationship with Daisy implodes like your last four, you’ll take ME out for a night on the town, huh? Come on, baby, don’t make me beg!

Well I’m out of time with you right now folks, I have to take a shower, get you disgustingly sad stench off of me, and go be with the beautiful people now. You know I’m just joking, right? I’m ALWAYS with beautiful people! Ta ta!”