By: Gemini "Nightmare" Red
Do you remember those weird endings Gauntlet came up with that had no relevance whatsoever to the actual stories? Of course you don't... that's the trouble with our generation, no respect for memory, wasting it away on booze and drugs... but that's beyond the point... the point is, I have Re-created stories that never existed... and sometimes there are things that aren't quite right in them ..... confused? Good... my work here is done... But wait, there's more! Here's the stories we wanted you to know, but were never meant to see... so sit back, relax, and wrack your brain as to what I'm actually saying as you read stories that never began, but ended!
Story 1: Top goes out for a bite!
This story, as well as the next one, is taken from Series One Epilogue Six, Spark's day out!
Top: So, the tracker says the Dragon ball is here? I hope I find it soon, this jungle is weird, in a sorta Droopy Clock effect...
Suddenly a funny man jumps out of nowhere...
Top: AHHHHH!!! It's Jeff Goldbloom, out for revenge because I stole his Hostess Twinkie! The ones with the mmm mm good, creamy filling, wrapped in a delicious Sponge Cake...
And now a word from our sponsor, Hostess...
And shortly after a commercial where some animal eats a human for mistaking him of being a Hostess Twinkie, we return to our regularly scheduled programming.
Top: Wait, you're not Jeff Goldbloom!
Funny Man: Chocolate dipped Bette Meddler!
Other man: F-forgive my master... he does not speak your language... I will be his translator... you see, our language is based on words that you have, but with entirely new meanings... he said... ahem... "YOU.... DINNER.... YES???"
Top: Well, I am a bit hungry.... tell him YES...
Translator: (to the Chief) Toilets are friends....
The chief eyes Top Man greedily... after several seconds, he bites Top's arm.
Top: OW!!! What the F#$@ are you doing you crazy bastard?
Translator: You accepted his proposal to be eaten!
Top: ... AHHHHHHHHH! *runs away with several cannibals after him* Top spin... TOP SPIN!!! Dammit, DIE!!!!!
And so, after several hours of being chased across the world, Top returns to the base, scowling after being questioned about the bite marks on his head and body... To see the rest of the ending, read Season 1 Epilogue 6....
Story 2: Gemini Man and the Case of the Large Intestine.
As I said, this is also taken from Spark's Day Out, so see the rest of the story there.
Gemini Man: Ok, the tracker says to keep going forward...
Oblivious to his surroundings, he walks right off of the port and onto a moving boat that is now setting sail...
Gemini Man: Turn left here.
He now walks across the fish net dangling in front of him.
Gemini Man: Man, and I thought this was going to be dangerous... Solid ground, all the WAAaaaaay! *at that moment he falls into the sea, and is swallowed by a whale...
Gemini Man: Great, now I'm stuck in Moby Dickwad! But wait, it says the dragonball is in here! Well, at least I can still find it, making this trip worthwhile...
So he follows the tracker, down into the stomach...
Gemini Man: *sniffs the air* Hmm, something's burning.... AHHHH! It's me! The whale is trying to digest me with it's STOMACH ACIDS!!!
To stay alive, Gemini Man runs and runs, trying to escape the vicious liquid, which somehow flows up through it's throat! (That is one unhealthy whale!)grabs onto and climbs that weird dangly thing that is always shown at the back of the mouth but no one seems to know it's name, you know? Anyways, after the acids disappear...
Gemini Man: Hey, I can just go through the blowhole when it shoots up water, just like in T.V.!
But, Gemini learns the hard way that he can't fit through the blowhole when he is pummeled into the inside top of the whales head...
Gemini Man: OW! Well, I still hafta find that dragonball...
He follows the dragon counter until he finds himself in... the mucous depository...
Gemini Man: Well, according to the dragon counter, it's right in this... ugh... pile of snot... blech!
And, after some reluctant savaging...
Gemini Man: A paper... with writing... "I.O.U. one dragonball signed Gauntlet" DAMN YOU! How am I gonna get out of here... wait, the whales mouth is opening! Time to split!
And so Gemini leaves. But now, he cringes whenever he sees the title... Moby Dick...
Story 3: Snake Man's Crisis of infinite HATS!
Well, this one is my personal favorite of Gauntlet's surprise endings, because of obvious reasons... IT'S COMPLETELY INSANE!!! And, it comes from Series 2 Issue 3, Gauntlet At the Movies.
Top: OK, so we need to find the next Gamma Part!
Magnet: Any suggestions on where to start?
Gemini: Why don't we follow that floating hat?
Needle: Why not? It seems to know it's way around town!
And so, after a lot of weaving and waving...
Spark: Where the HELL are we?
Snake: I don't know... oooooh! A cap! I've always wanted one!
Gemini: Ya! It's not like it'll fit on your head or something!
Needle: And besides, we're ROBOT MASTERS! We don't NEED caps!
Spark: Hey, if he wants to put on the cap, he can!
Snake puts on the cap.
Snake: I AM CAP. HEAR ME ROAR.
Top: Quit clowning around, we need to find that Gamma part!
Snake: I AM CAP! HATS RULE.
Needle: He's possessed!
Gemini: We need to get that cap off of him!
Snake: STAY AWAY FROM CAP. I LIKE HOST. I AM CAP.
He shoots the gang with Search Snakes.
Magnet: Wait, I have an idea. Why don't we give him all the hats he can handle?
Magnet: Everyone start throwing hats onto him!
Spark: OK, lets do it!
And as they continue to add hats to Snake Man, the hats get more and more confused of who's in charge!
Snake: I AM CAP. I AM BOWLER. I AM DERBY. I AM UPPER. I AM... I'm Snake Man! It doesn't matter what kind of clothing I wear, I can kick ass in a parka or in the buff!
Top: God no! Don't you dare strip in front of me!
Snake: Hats, repel! Take not another soul today, I bid thee gone!
Needle: What did you say?
Snake: I said "Get lost, stupid hats!"
Spark: Oh good, for a second we thought the hat made you smart...
Snake: Lucky break... hey!
And we all know how this epilogue ends... (if you don't, head on over to Gauntlet at the Movies.)
Story 4: Stone Cold Snake Man.
This one was taken from And Now For Something Completely Different, Series 2 Issue 15, which is funny in itself... but anyways...
Gauntlet: Hey guys! Guess what?
Needle: You've decided to do some work here?
Hard: You agreed to be charitable?
Nightmare: You're handing leadership over to me?
Gauntlet: What? No! Those are all horrible ideas!
Spark: What then?
Snake: Ya Gauntlet, tell us!
Gauntlet: I got tickets to a WWF tour! Now we can take a vacation!
Needle: You bought tickets?
Gauntlet: Well, not BOUGHT exactly...
Top: You didn't use your counterfeit money machine, did you?
Magnet: Well, if you didn't pay for it with real money...
Spark: And you didn't pay for it with fake money...
Nightmare: You DID pay for it right?
Gauntlet: See, that's where it gets a bit tricky...
Gauntlet: Enough chat, get in the car now!
They run out and hop into... A SUNFIRE! And once everyone's in...
Top: Wait a minute, we don't have a Sunfire...
Gauntlet speeds away from the Technodrome....
Later, at the ring...
Announcer: And the Rock wins again!
Snake: (drunk) Awww, he's not so tuff!
All: SIT DOWN!
Snake gets up into the ring, and before anyone can notice what's happened, the Rock... lies on the ground, K.O.ed!!!!
Announcer: And it looks like the winner is... uh... well, he's in an animal costume, so lets just call him... CHUCKY CHEESE!
And so, after defeat after defeat of the worlds strongest fighters, Snake Man (or Chucky Cheese)
ends up in the ______.
All: Common Snakey! WOOOOO!
Announcer: And so, let the final battle between the two super stars, Chucky Cheese and
Stone Cold... BEGIN!
And, in 2 seconds, Snake is in a head lock by Stone Cold...
Snake: That's it! I've had enough of you Stone Cold! SEARCH SNAKE!!!
And so, after that display, Snake is disqualified for use of weapons... And so the Mechanical
Maniacs return home, confronted by a car dealer and a ticket booth guy. And after a short brawl...
Gauntlet: Fine, I'll give you the money, here, take it!
The two people walk away, happy...
Top: Well Gauntlet, I hope you've learned your lesson...
Gauntlet: I sure did! Never steal... just use... A COUNTERFEIT MONEY MACHINE!
And then the end, well, see for yourself in And Now For Something Completely Different.
Chucky Cheese: Hmm... I guess everything turned out right after all...
The Rock: I guess.
Stone Cold: And there's a moral here too!
The Rock: Really?
Stone Cold: Ya! The moral is to never read epilogues written by guys in tights! He can't
even come up with original plots, he has to steal them!
Chucky Cheese: Well, until Nightmare does something good, we are, Three Guys Who Need A Life!