Series 5 Issue #4 - Merry, Merry Christmas!

By Gauntlet (Shadowman)

It's once again Christmas time ..... and since the 'Maniacs aren't in another dimension or homeless it's time to celebrate!

Sparkman: Oh me oh my ..... it's gonna be a white christmas!

Needlegal: Oh, yes! We have a tree ....... we have stockings ....

Sparkman: Santa will be SO pleased!

Magnetman: What?

Sparkman: I've been a good boy all year and now I'll get that bike I've wanted.

Magnetman: Yeah ..... I've been so good maybe I'll get those porno tapes I wanted!

Needlegal: Yeah, maybe (but not bloody likely).

Hardman: Hah! You guys are such idiots! Santa doesn't exist!

Needlegal: Hard!

Sparkman: What?

Hardman: I mean come on! How does he fit inside that chimney? And he has reindeer! hah! Those things aren't real.

.....

Sparkman: What? No, reindeer ARE real -

Needlegal: Okay, no ripping off TV shows for our holiday, you bonklers.

Sparkman: But he does exist! Santa does!

Hardman: Oh, yeah? Prove it!

Sparkman: I will! I will!

Magnetman: Oh yeah? How??

Sparkman: We will travel to the NORTH POLE!! That way -

(Needlegal walks out and goes to her brother, Shadowman.)

Shadowman: What are those three going on about?

Needlegal: Oh, just something stupid.

Shadowman: Ah. See, I should've guessed that.

Needlegal: So, what are YOU up to for Christmas?

Shadowman: *Hmph* Christmas ....... BAH! Humbug.

Needlegal: GAUNTLET! For shame....

Shadowman: Well, how else can I feel?? I never get what I want! All I ever get is coal ...... or a punch in the gut.

Needlegal: Awwwwww.....

Shadowman: I mean I save the world! I do ..... "good" deeds. So I cheat on my taxes? I LOVE to cheat! You can't blame me for one fault!

Needlegal: There there..... Know what'll make you feel better?

Shadowman: ....... REVENGE!!

Needlegal: What?

Shadowman: I shall take my revenge on this cursed holiday. Only then can I be satisfied.

Needlegal: ...... I was gonna suggest hot chocolate.....

Shadowman: REEEEEEVEEEEENGE!

Needlegal: Oh, dear ...... Maybe the others are up for a more sane adventure....

(And so Needle walks into a different area of the Ark.....)

Geminiman: Nightmare, you block head! We can't celebrate Christmas with this piece of shit!

Topman: But...... come on!

Needlegal: Woah! What's the problem, guys?

Geminiman: Block head here spent all of our Tree spending money on that sorry sack of shit over in the corner!

(In the corner stands a small, sad little tree with drooping branches and few needles.)

Topman: Well ...... it just looked so sad there in the store.

Geminiman: It's a TREE! A DEAD tree! It CAN'T be sad!

Topman: You'll see! You'll see! I'll make everyone love it! Needle will help me, right? Right??

Needlegal: Ummmm .... well, it doesn't look like it could survive much -

Topman: WAAAAHHHH!!!!!

(Topman runs off with Gemini storming out in a huff.)

Needlegal: Oh, dear. Uhhhh .... maybe ...... ohhhh

(Needlegal walks the lonely streets of Megalopolis thinking about Christmas...)

Needlegal: Oh ...... the first time we're not in another dimension, or homeless and people are fighting during the holidays.....

(Suddenly, the area gets misty and dark......)

Needlegal: What ........ what's goin' on??

(Nearby a gong can be heard.......)

Needlegal: What?

Someone: You ........

Needlegal: ...... me??

(A little girl with oddly white hair appears before Needlegal.....)

Needlegal: Who ....... are you??

Ghost: I am the ghost of Christmas Past.

Needlegal: Oh, there must be some mistake ....... I am the one filled with Christmas cheer!

Ghost: There is no mistake here.

Needlegal: Are you sure you don't want my brother? He -

Ghost: Come! We have much to do!

Needlegal: But -

(The mist thickens and the two disappear into the night......)

(Elsewhere ..........)

Shadowman: Well done my ninjas! Well done! We have here every present in Megaland! Mwa hah hah hah! Let's see Christmas survive this!! Eh? Take THAT, holiday!

(However, as Gauntlet's cackles of malice fade, he hears.......)

Shadowman: Singing?? They sing? They sing without presents? *glares* They sing without candy?? *glares* How could it be so? It came without ribbons! It came without tags! It came without packages, boxes, or bags!

(And ....... near the North Pole .........)

Hardman: F-F-F-F-reeeeeezing.........

Magnetman: Circuits ....... not built for such low temperatures.....

Sparkman: SAAAAANNNNTAAA!!! WHERE ARE YOU!!!!

Hardman: Pipe down, pip squeak! We're dead! We're dead! In this cold darkness we'll never get home!

Magnetman: Wait! Did you notice Sparkman's nose??

Hardman: His NOSE??

Sparkman: My what!?

Magnetman: It glows so brilliantly .......... to better light our way! Come Sparkman!

(And elsewhere still......)

Topman: I can do it ....... I'll show those bastards that you can bring out anything's inner light!

(And, so Christmas comes. The Mechanical Maniacs are gathered 'round the fire's warm glow.....)

Shadowman: FOILED AGAIN!! I'll get you, Christmas! One day ...... one day .......

Geminiman: Wow, Top. You really did do a good job. I must tip my hat to you.

Topman: That's what hard work does!

(And Suddenly Geminiman, Magnetman, and Sparkman crash through the ceiling and right on top of the tree!)

Topman: MY TREE!!!

Geminiman: What the Hell have they been doing??

Sparkman: *shivers* We made it!

Magnetman: There really is a Santa Clause! I saw him!

Hardman: Yes! There really is a Santa and ...... oh God, I've been so NAUGHTY!!

Shadowman: How the Hell did they get here!?

(Suddenly, Xelloss appears!)

Xelloss: I saw them freezing into delirium and decided to pick them up for you! Consider it a Christmas present!

Topman: But ....... did you have to drop them on top of my tree?

Xelloss: I had to cushion their fall!

Sparkman: SAAAANNNNTAA!!! Where are my presents!

(And, right on cue, Needlegal bursts into the room!)

Needlegal: It's Christmas day! I'm not too late! I can change, sprits! I CAN CHANGE!!!!

Shadowman: Needlegal? What's wrong with you?

Needlegal: I've been shown what can happen, Gauntlet! But I won't let it! I went to the marketplace and bought the biggest goose I could afford!

(Several homeless boys bring in the goose.)

Needlegal: I bought all the presents I could afford! Merry Christmas! MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Sparkman: PRESENTS!! SANTA!!

Shadowman: But ..... how can we afford this?

Needlegal: MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Shadowman: Needle ...

Needlegal: MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Xelloss: And a Merry Christmas it is!

Shadowman: BAH HUMBUG! Humbug I say!

Needlegal: Awww, don't be that way! I even bought YOU a present!

Shadowman: Me? Oh. Well ...... I ...... I guess I may as well .......

(Shadowman takes the present into his hands and opens it.)

Shadowman: I wonder what it could -

(A large electric shock erupts fromt he gift, electrocuting Shadowman!)

Shadowman: AAAAUUUUGHH!!!!!

(Shadowman cunvulses for a few seconds and then falls to the ground.)

The 'Maniacs: Mwa hah hah hah hah!

Shadowman: It happened again! It happened again! Damn you, Christmas!

Xelloss: Oh, my! How did that faulty battery get in there? Heh heh heh! You'd think someone planted it there to trick you! Heh heh heh! What a Merry Christmas indeed! I'm so glad we could spend this Christmas together!

The 'Maniacs: *groan*

Needlegal: Yes! Merry Christmas!

(And, just as Suddenly as Xelloss appeared, a forgotten member of the Mechanical Maniacs comes rushing through the Ark's door!)

Snakeman: Hey, team! How're you doing? I had the craziest day!

......

Shadowman: Who are you?

Needlegal: I don't recognize him at all.

Snakeman: But ..... I'm Snakeman! You guys gotta know me!

Hardman: "Snakeman"?? What, like on that stupid PC team?

Magnetman: That's Sharkman!

Snakeman: No! I'm your teammate! Xelloss! Back me up!

Xelloss: Do we know each other?

Snakeman: But ..... why are you all so miserable?

Needlegal: We're not miserable! We're filled with Christmas cheer!

Shadowman: Damned Christmas!

Snakeman: THIS is how the world is like if I was never born!? Why did I wish that!? WHY!? I wish I was born again! I wish I was born again! I WISH I WAS BOOOORRRRN AGAIN!!!

(And Suddenly, there was a flash of light!)

Snakeman: What the Hell was that!?

Needlegal: What the Hell was what, Snakeman?

Snakeman: You ..... you know who I am!?

Needlegal: Yes, of course!

Snakeman: ......... but everyone still looks miserable!

Needlegal: Well, we'll cheer them up!

Snakeman: I made no difference at all?

Shadowman: NEXT TIME, CHRISTMAS! NEXT TIME!!

Snakeman: Well, I guess things turned out all right...

Magnetman: I guess...

Needlegal: And we learned something today too...

Sparkman: I saw Mommy kissing Santa Clause........

Snakeman: I made no difference at all ......... *sniff*

Geminiman: Our tree ....... no tree........

Needlegal: We learned that you must appreciate every moment you have! And that money does you no good ...... unless you spend it on the people you care about!

Xelloss: A great moral!

Shadowman: CURSES! HUMBUG!!! CHRISTMAS!!!! ........ BAH!!!!!!

Topman: So until we're full of Christmas cheer, we are ..... The Mechanical Maniacs!

The End

Cast:
Musashiden Razz as .....	Sparkman	Raijin as .....	Snakeman	Psycho Magnet as .....	Needlegal
Hadrian Howell as .....	Hardman			Nightmare as .....	Topman
Lennon as .....	Geminiman	Jonathan S. as .....	Magnetman	Gauntlet as .....	Shadowman