Series 5 Issue #17 - Conspiracy Theory

(It started at Sinister Six headquarters, which is located at the Monsteropolis dump.)

Oilman: Have you got it running yet?

Bitman: Almost, yeah.

Torchman: Excellent. Behold!

(Torchman grabs the device Bitman was holding and holds it high into the air!)

Torchman: The Bizarro Bringer!

Sharkman: Yeah, we know what it is.

Torchman: With this we can recall our most powerful ally Bizarro Shadowman by talking to him in his unconscious state and use him to destroy the Mechanical Maniacs!

Waveman: I don't like this plan. Bizarro is unpredictable. It's gonna fail. Just like our other plans.

Torchman: He's our ticket to VICTORY! Now shut up while I use my device!

Bitman: Our device.

(Heedless of Bitman's disgruntlement Torch flips on the device.)

Torchman: Bizarro? Bizarro, can you hear me? We've used old blueprints we have of you so you should be able to hear my voice. It is time ...... time for us to pay vengeance on our persecutors!

The Bringer: ...... vengeance?

(The six giggle with glee. Their invention works!)

Torchman: Yes, my friend! With your power we can crush our enemies! The Mechanical Maniacs!


The Bringer: The who?


Oilman: You know. The scourge of the Earth! Those terrorists, the Mechanical Maniacs!


The Bringer: How did you get this number?

Blademan: Bizarro? That you buddy?


The Bringer: Oh, yes. Of course it is.

Torchman: Ah. Well, that is a relief since -

Bitman: Hey! Where's the backwards talking!?

(Suddenly there's a huge light and the team of robots scream! And then ..... they are gone!)

The next evening was troubled with thunder and lightning. Spark Chan, Magnetman, and Hardman are on their way home from Walmart with groceries. Unfortunately the car has stalled so Magnetman checks out the engine with his two companions looking on from the dry interior.

Hardman: So, how's it lookin' in there, lil' buddy?

Magnetman: Will you stop calling me that?

Hardman: Hah! What's wrong, little buddy?

Magnetman: Grrrrr.....

(In anger and frustration, Magnet shoots a missile at the engine causing a small explosion.)

SFX: Bwoom!


Hardman: Magnet, you little moron.

Magnetman: Quit it with the little talk! You're weak against my missiles you know! I could beat you up!

Spark Chan: With both of you hush? The car's wrecked! What can we do?

Hardman: We'll call the boss. I'm sure he can help!

(Magnetman calls Shadowman, but receives no response.)

Magnetman: Hh. Probably at a stupid movie!

Spark Chan: Now, don't say that! Shadow-hun's a very responsible person and leader of this team.

Magnetman: You hear about that time he gave spiked lemonade to kids?

Spark Chan: What?

Hardman: Don't worry, little buddy! I got this one covered!

Magnetman: Would you quit it with the "little buddy" routine? I'm average height!

(Hardman ignores Magnetman and walks up to the road.)

Spark Chan: What happened to those kids?

Hardman: I dunno, there was some legal actions, some community service. Stuff like that.

Spark Chan: Did that really happen though?

Magnetman: So ..... what's the plan?

(Hard sticks out his thumb).

Magnetman: THAT'S your plan!?

Hardman: NEEVR doubt the plan, man!

(Suddenly a car stops on the side of the road).

Hardman: What'd I tell you?

(The car is actually an ominous looking black van. Spark and Magnet are just about to comment on this oddity when the door opens and all three are grabbed by strange individuals in dark clothes. The van leaves as quickly as it came.)

(Meanwhile Shadowman has just finished watching Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith in a theater alongside Needlegal and Snakeman.)

Snakeman: All I'm saying is that the acting sucked. That's all.

Shadowman: I think your expectations must be a little too high. I mean .... Give it some time! The old film wowed because -

(When, all of a sudden, the 'Maniacs spot some suspicious looking fellows exiting with, what appeared to be, movie reels.)

Shadowman: Hey, check that out.

Needlegal: He's stealing a movie!

Snakeman: So? Probably some shlub trying to make a quick buck.

Shadowman: So!? That should be our quick buck!

Snakeman: Egads! You're right!

Needlegal: *sigh* We get less and less heroic every day,

Shadowman: Mechanical Maniacs ..... REUNITE!

Needlegal: Stop stealing things! The S6 say that.

(Shadowman strikes a dramatic pose for a split second before he bolts off after the figures! Snakeman runs after him while Needlegal, resigned to follow this foolishness, leaps after the two.)

(The two men were wearing dark suits and turned in surprise at the robots! Before they had time to get into their black van, Shadowman was on them! In a quick motion he ripped the film canister out from the nicely dressed robber's hands!)

Shadowman: Hah!

The Suit: What!?

Shadowman: Hunh? Hey .... this is Episode 3!

(Momentarily distracted by his success Shadowman failed to notice that the suit has taken out a small device from his coat pocket. It flashed a brilliant light and the next thing that Shadowman knew, his friends were beside him.)

Shadowman: What?

Snakeman: Hey, yer back! It's about time!

Shadowman: What? Hey, where's episode three!?

Needlegal: The suits took it away!

Shadowman: Damn it! We could have netted allot of money with that!

Needlegal: You know, we're supposed to be heroes.

Shadowman: ..... From the theater! As a reward for returning their property!

Snakeman: Hey, no worries! I have a search snake on their tail! Let's move it!

(And so, Snakeman, Shadowman, and Needlegal dash into their car and make a pursuit for the Episode 3 hijackers! However they are met by a surprise....)

(And so we cut to Geminiman and Topman in, of all places, FBI headquarters...)

Moulder: .....

Scully: ......

Geminiman: Did we do anything or .... ?

Moulder: .....

Scully: ......

Geminiman: Because I'd really like to know. I mean, we were just going to pay some parking tickets when we heard you FBI guys wanted to talk with us. And we've just been here .... staring at each other ..... all this time.....

Moulder: .....

Scully: ......

Geminiman: Seriously. I'd like to know.

Moulder: You don't look like aliens.

Topman: Aliens?

Moulder: We have a job for you. I hear that's what you do.

Topman: Occasionally, yes. That'll be $31 an hour plus expenses.

Moulder: And we want it for free.

Geminiman, Topman: FREE!?

Scully: We have a large file on you, gentlemen -

Moulder: If you even are men.

Scully: Grant theft auto, fraud, destruction of private property, driving without a license, indecent exposure ...

Topman: Damn that Magnetman!

Moulder: If he even is a magnet ....

Scully: And the list goes on. You're looking at a lot of jail time here, fellahs.

Moulder: Unless you help us.

Topman: Help you do what exactly?

Moulder: There's a secret government plot in the works. Corruption is at the highest level.


Moulder: I think ......


Topman: Yes? What is it?


Scully: Oh, no, I think I see where this is heading.

Moulder: The aliens ..... the aliens are behind it all!

Geminiman: .....

Topman: ....

Scully: Well, maybe not aliens, but there's something. And it's after .... Episode 3.

Geminiman: Episode 3? As in Star Wars: Episode 3?

Scully: Yes.

Geminiman: Why?

Scully: We don't know, but -

Moulder: They've got it!

(At this time Moulder had picked up his cell to take a sudden call.)

Moulder: Come on, we can explain on the way!

(Moulder, Scully, hurry the robot masters to the van and head off. Meanwhile Shadowman has run into troubles of his own.)

(During their chase for the van they run into (literally) a strange man on a motorcycle. After several threats and much shouting, the man known only as Blade is being driven by the Mechanical Maniacs in search of the van. He too is after the men who stole episode three. After shooting at a, thankfully, vacant area in a parking lot, Blade, Shadow, Snake, and Needlegal are on edge around this newcomer.)

Snakeman: What's your problem!?

Blade: *looks badass*

Snakeman: Really, we're not very attached to this adventure .... so if you don't mind dropping us off....

Blade: *looks badass*

Needlegal: Um .... mister, if you could just stop looking badass for a moment and please tell us what you want with us then I'm sure we could help you out.

Blade: Hh. Well, you're in this deep. But you're gonna have to hang on because these God damned vampires ain't gonna wait for you candy-assed pansies to catch your breath.

Shadowman: Vampire?

Blade: Everyone's a freakin' vampire!

Snakeman: What!?

Shadowman: I think I woulda noticed something like that without your having to point it out to me.

Blade: Open your eyes! The world you live in is a sugar-coated fairy tale candy-land! The real world is headed by vampires. The lady on the corner's a vampire. So's her dog. And the kid looking at the TV is actually twelve vampires packed into a tiny body. The police are vampires too - don't come to them for help. The blood bank is a vampire food fest. Red cross? Red put-you-on-a-cross and drain out your blood is more like it. They're in your every day life, running the show behind the scenes.

Needlegal: What? Even the world leaders?

(Blade laughs mirthlessly)

Blade: You really think the world is run by guys like Bush and Chrétien? They can't even run a candy store.

Shadowman: You seem to be pre-occupied by candy.

Blade: I happen to like candy. Now where was I?

Needlegal: Making a political commentary.

Blade: Ah, right. The world leaders aren't vampires at all, but you better believe every vice president and sidekick throughout time has been! You think anybody ever knows what those guys are up to? Naw, man ...... they don't want you to know! The presidents and the prime ministers are all just for show while guys like Al Gore make all the real decisions.

Shadowman: And how do you know we aren't vampires?

Blade: *looks badass* ..... I just know.

Snakeman: This sounds like hobo talk to me.

(At this, Blade turns angrily to the mechanical snake and grabs him by the throat!)

Blade: Have you ever seen a vampire grab a baby and threaten it's life and the lives of every peon on Earth!? Have you seen the blood god in all it's glory? And lived to tell the tale? Have you faced a bunch of druggie-like street vamps crowding the sewers of New York city? Have you!? No! Because you're a sheltered baby! Coochie-coo, baby! Coochie-cooooooooO!

(Blade releases a frazzled Snakeman from his grip and proceeds to his motorcycle.)


Needlegal: I'm thinking somebody needs a nap.

(Blade turns angrily towards the female robot master. Seeing the danger, Shadowman changes the subject.)

Shadowman: What's up with them and Episode 3?

Blade: Episode 3? Oh right. The vampire bitch Lucas is behind it all! You think Jar Jar Binks was a mistake? Do you think it's coincidence that this new trilogy is horse shit? It's planned!

Shadowman: To ..... what possible end?

Blade: The vampires seek to distract everyone's attention by showering America with crap. Episode three is just part of the equation. You know Michael Jackson?

Snakeman: Don't tell me ....

Blade: Yeah, you better believe it. Completely framed by those damned vampires. Everybody thinks he's a weirdo 'cuz of them. Poor man. I feel for him. I do.

Snakeman: (confused) What? You mean he's not a vampire?

Blade: *looks badass*

Needlegal: And why are we after Episode 3 then?

Blade: Because the vampire jerk Lucas made a mistake. One of his men is a human. A good human, and he put in a secret film spliced on a separate layer in the film reels of Episode 3. In that particular film reel. A good Star Wars film! Not the crap we got, but the film Lucas made before he sold out. I just have to run it through my computer and we'll get the Star Wars movie we've always wanted.


Snakeman: Really? There's a good version of that second trilogy?

Shadowman: You guys are being too harsh on it.

Blade: *looks badass*

(With that the 'Maniacs spot the van entering into an underground parking lot. Unfortunately yet another black van crashes into them!)

Needlegal: What the Hell!?

The other van pops open to reveal...

Blade: NEO!

Neo: Daywalker!

Blade: So we meet again.

Snakeman: Neo?

Blade: Super Vamp! RUN!!

(Neo flies in and grabs Blade and then effortlessly tosses him across the parking lot into the far off wall!)

(More figures come out of the van. A lady with several friends...)

Hardman: Howdy!

Shadowman: Guys! You JERKS! You slammed into us!

Magnetman: We told Neo to slow down, but he reassured us that neither the van nor any of you were really there so technically nobody was hurt.

(Shadowman chucked a Shadowblade at Magnet and Hard!)

Shadowman: Did that HURT!?

Lady: Please! You have to come with me. There's not much time and we need to get Episode 3!

(The Lady introduces herself as Trinity and the 'Maniacs follow her into deeper recesses of the lot.)

Trinity: The world you know doesn't exist. It's an illusion created by the machines.

Shadowman: We're machines.

Trinity: This world created by them is known as the Matrix. Neo is the one. The one that can free us all from the machines and bring order to chaos. Everyone in the resistance seeks to free humanity!

Shadowman: I'm still not buying this.

Trinity: When you eat it's your own crap recycled! When you die your bodies get recycled into more food! And when you -

(The 'Maniacs are totally grossed out.)

Shadowman: Awww, man!

Spark Chan: We .... really didn't need to know that. Just .... stop.

Hardman: Hey, boss! I know kung-fu!

Shadowman: You do not know kung-fu.

Hardman: They said I did.....

Shadowman: You don't. Only I may know kung-fu.

Trinity: Smith wants to use episode three as a catalyst. Once he absorbs all of the new Star Wars trilogy the complete disaster that it is will break down even the machines' Matrix. It's very delicate and crappiness of that magnitude will destroy it and all inside it forever! The machines had no way of knowing the crap that was unleashed, but Smith did. The bastard wants to kill us all and remake the Matrix in his image!

Needlegal: My GOD!

Trinity: He's already absorbed episodes one and two and all their inherent crappiness. He just needs episode three!

Needlegal: And why this particular copy of episode three?

Trinity: Due to some fluke of the Matrix, this copy of Episode three contains one scene that as deleted from all other copies of the movies. A scene that won't be released until, possibly, the DVD version of the movie .... but it won't be the same. This one scene makes this copy of episode three even crappier than all the others ..... and this is the crap that Smith wants.

Snakeman: Then what's Blade got to do with all this?

Trinity: Just a hobo lunatic with delusions of grandeur.

Snakeman: Makes perfect sense.

By that time they had reached the van. Only to find someone waiting for them.)

Someone: greetings.

Trinity: It's the Cancer Man!

Snakeman: Who?

Cancer Man: It looks like you've found more hapless dupes to wind into your tangle of lies.

Spark Chan: What?

Cancer Man: Did you tell them about the spoon, Trinity? About how it doesn't exist?

Trinity: It doesn't exist!

Cancer Man: Does that sound ..... sane to you?

Trinity: It's the Matrix!

Shadowman: I have to admit, this Cancer Man is talking sense.

Moulder: Don't listen to him!

(From out of the shadows strides Moulder and Scully along with Topman and Geminiman.)

Moulder: It's over for you and your aliens, Cancer Man!

Cancer Man: Agents Moulder and Scully. Welcome.

Geminiman: He showed us photos ..... There was no moon landing! It's was all a sick joke!

Topman: They blew it up! They blew it all to Hell!!

Snakeman: Snap out of it!

Shadowman: Yeah, don't be morons!

Blade: And don't you be forgetting whose a vampire and whose not!

Shadowman: Oh no.

Moulder, Scully, Cancer Man, Trinity: DAYWALKER!

Trinity: How'd you get by Neo, Blade?

(Striding up beside him stands another figure.)

Buffy: He had help.

Cancer Man: The Slayer!

Buffy: Nice trick, duping these poor saps with your "we're all crazy" bull!

Topman: You are all crazy.

Blade: These guys are nothing but vampire puppets. Look inside their mouths for the vampire glyphs.

Trinity: You're just a couple of nuts! The Machines are the true enemy.

Moulder: Tell them the truth Trinity! Tell them how aliens kidnapped you and brainwashed you! Tell them how you sold out on humanity! Tell them how you're ..... my sister!

The 'maniacs: What!?

Trinity: Yes, it's true that I'm his sister, but ..... Moulder, the world's run my machines!

Moulder: It's run by Aliens!

Trinity: I'm sorry I didn't tell you the whole truth, but I didn't know if I could trust you! The machines have infiltrated the FBI.

Blade: More vampire lies! Help me get Episode three!

Moulder: And what did you tell them it was about? Did you tell them what it really is? That it's a vision of our future!?

The 'maniacs: What!?

Scully: Moulder, there's no proof...

Moulder: Tibetan runes that date back 20 thousand years ago describe the coming of Vader exactly! We need to preserve Episode three before Lucas changes it all! They seek to twist it to their own advantage, to help the aliens eventually take over!

Blade: Alright .... there are Tibetan runes. But they aren't no damn prophecy! I couldn't tell you the total truth before because you'd never believe it, but .... the runes are vampire prophecy! Prophecy which foretells of the doom of mankind should Episode 3 be released by Vampires! Lucas will just change it more in the future ... make it even crappier than it already is. It will take away humanity's will to live!

Moulder: LIES!

Geminiman: I think we'll just be leaving now ...

(Moulder, Scully, Cancer Man, and the rest all pull their guns out on the team.)

Trinity: You know too much. If you were captured you'd be a liability.

Blade: If you're not with us you're with the vampires. Just like those damn terrorists! All of you are damn vampires.... vampires everywhere ....

Moulder: Don't move! I think you're all aliens. You look really funny to me anyway.....

Scully: And you've all committed major crimes even if you aren't aliens. You're all under arrest.

Cancer Man: And I just want to shoot somebody.

(Just then, yet another black van pulls up. Out steps two figures. Before a shot could be fired they pull out a small device followed by a huge flash of light.)

Kay: Looks like we got here just in time, slick.

Jay: Yep. Heh. Our old friends have all come to play.

Kay: (To the Mechanical Maniacs): There are no such things as aliens vampires or the Matrix. You have just been on a wild goose chase with a couple of weirdo nut jobs ....

Jay: (To Moulder) There is such things as aliens, man. You want to believe! Heh heh heh.

Kay: Haven't you done enough of that, kid? What's wrong with you?

Jay: What? Just messing with his mind is all.

Kay: Just like you messed with this guy's mind? (motions to Blade) He used to be respectable. Now he's some sort of ......hobo.

Jay: Aw, all this is fun. Besides, this guys' almost got it right. Too bad he doesn't know the horrible truth behind Scully! And - Hey! Episode Three! You seen this?

Kay: Haven't seen it.

Jay: Wanna? It's actually really good. Really brings everything together.

Kay: Eh. Why not? Could use a laugh.

Jay: I know ..... that Lucas vampire's got some crazy idea about how things're done up there! Well, lets dump those other guys here too. They look like they belong with these people.

(Once everyone came to they had no memory of who the other was or what they were all doing there and so, they left with a few odd glances exchanged between them.)

Snakeman: Well, I guess things turned out all right...

Magnetman: I guess...

Needlegal: And we learned something today too...

Spark Chan: That government people are strange and hobos smell funny?

Needlegal: We learned that -

Geminiman: Hey, what's that?

(lying crouched in a corner are the Sinister Six! Moaning an groaning they seemed in no shape to fight.)

Spark Chan: Wow. You look like Hell. What happened to you guys?

Blademan: It was all the ..... the probing!

Sharkman: Probes .... where probes ought not to be!

Bitman: They wouldn't stop! They wouldn't ..... stop!!

(Oil and Wave man break down in tears.)

Torchman: Aliens! They live among us! And it's the Men in Black that cover it up! They will rue the day they messed with I, TORCHMAN!!!!

Hardman: Woo.

Needlegal: I guess we learned that people can be real nut jobs

Spark Chan: I don't think I even want to know what all this was about. Something tells me I'd be better off.

Topman: Well, until we figure it all out, we are ..... The Mechanical Maniacs!






*And, in the sky.....*






Zim: We've done it, Gir! We've finally probed the asses of the ..... FITHLY Earth-monster's robots. I'd say this is a cause for celebration.

Gir: But, weren't we after Episode Three? Didn't it have somethin' important on it?

Zim: LIES! FILTHY LIES! The true mission remains a success! For, by probing those robots we have learned whom TRULY rules this planet ..... which brings us one step closer to ruling this planet ourselves.

Gir: How'd we do all that?

(Zim turns on a surveillance monitor which shows Men in Black headquarters...)

Agent Bee: Well, done agents Kay and Jay.You will be rewarded.

(Agent Bee turns off the monitors)

Agent Bee: Ahhh, those poor deluded fools. If only they knew that my missions was finally a success. If only they knew that ....


Pinky: Uh .... so, Bwain .... now that we've taken over the world ..... what do you want to do tomorrow night?

Brain: What have I dreamed of doing every night, Pinky? I'm .... finally going to get a good night's sleep!

Their Dinky, their Pinky and the Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain!

The End


Classi Cal as .....
Spark Chan
Raijin as .....
Psycho Magnet as .....
Hadrian Howell as .....
    Nightmare as .....
Lennon as .....
Jonathan S. as .....
Gauntlet as .....


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