Hardman's Bar
By Hadrian Howell (Hardman)
Chapter 6
As the rookie cop ran off in one direction, I started off in another. I knew by this point Gemini and the rest would have heard the news, and might already be hot on the trail of the arsonist, so there wasn’t much I could do aside from going back to base and wait for a call to action.
It was a bit of a walk back, and on the way, I started thinking, which is something I usually don’t get very much credit for. Almost anyone that was in the Bar last night could have burned it down, which was just about anyone from the city’s criminal element last night ( I DO run a seedy bar, after all). That left the choice of suspect up to a massive range of persons both known and unknown.
Very few people, however, were capable of stealing the money. Like I said, a 1.5 ton steel plate makes for easy security. Most of the other Mechs can only barely lift that much, and the safe? Well, to my knowledge, only two people knew the combination, and that was myself and Cassandra. Cassandra immediately gets eliminated from the suspect list because she’s worked for me forever, and if she was going to do something like this, why do it now? That, and it’s impossible for her to lift that steel plate. I know, because she always needs me to lift it.
No damage had been done to the safe before I got to it (after the fact was a different matter. At least the Laundromat had insurance.), meaning someone who can pass through solid objects might’ve managed the theft, but… hell, do I even know anyone like that?
Wait… hadn’t someone else helped me put the money away last night?
You know, it seemed really stupid to suspect Needlegal, but the evidence really DID point her way. She knew not only the location of the safe, but the combination (I screwed it up like eight times last night, and ended up telling her the combination while she put it in. I was hammered. Come to think of it, so was she, a little…). She was also one of the few who could GET to the safe. But why burn the place down? AND she’d been sleeping on Snake’s floor this morning, which is no place to CHOOSE to sleep. Was the arson and the theft even related?
This was making no sense, and fast. I needed some help from an old friend.
When I got back to base, no one was around, so I flipped on the TV and sat down with my good buddy Jack Daniels. Always a trusting and caring friend. When drinking alone, I usually just put the booze in something else, but there didn’t seem to be much of a point right now.
Watching the news while hammered is a great experience sometimes. I don’t recommend you try it, though. Waaaaay too much chance you’ll call every number that comes up on screen and make an ass of yourself. Larry King must have our number on caller ID or something, because he never picks up anymore.
The news was going on about a super hero conference at Superman’s Fortress of Solitude. Why hadn’t we been invited? We were superheroes, weren’t we? It took me a while to realize absolutely NO Megaman Teams were there, which seemed kind of weird to me, but what the hell. The traditional superhero gangs didn’t much like us Megaman Teams. I think it’s probably because we’re better at their jobs than they are.
Think I’m just blowing hot air by now? Think of this: Has Superman ever stopped a planet eating monster from devouring the world? The fact is that he has, but that planet eating monster wasn’t Unicron. Unicron’s the coolest planet eater ever, hands down. Parallax doesn’t compare.
What about Batman? I bet he’s never faced down the likes of the Yellow Devil or City Garage. Heck, City Garage is right up Batman’s alley, but the dark knight’d probably get embarrassingly screwed over somehow. Things usually work out that way.
And after all that time spent fighting Dr. Doom, you might think Mr. Fantastic was capable of dealing with Wily. Think again. I remember at least one occasion we had to bail the Fantastic Four out of one of Wily’s traps. We never DID get thanked for that. The Invisible Woman doesn’t even send Christmas cards to Gemini like she promised.
By this point in the day, the sun had gone down. I knew this because it was dark, and I was far too much ‘on the floor’ at this point to change that fact. The bottle I started with had been empty hours ago, and I’d moved on to some of my other friends for support. I’d gone through Jim Bean, my OTHER friend Jack Daniels, and had started making Screwdrivers when I hit the Vodka. Normal screwdrivers are Vodka and orange juice combined on a fairly even mix. Hardman Screwdrivers are actually more orange juice than Vodka, then frozen into popsicles which are then sprinkled with rainbow sprinkles. The sweetness of the sprinkles turns the orange juice taste sour, which is complimented nicely by the Vodka. That’s my opinion anyway. I serve them at the bar past 5 pm.
I have no real idea when the others got home, but I know a light came on and someone started complaining about the smell. I just didn’t care enough to move anymore. I know someone, I think it might have been Sparkchan, put a blanket over me before the lights went out again.
Before I joined the Mechs, I probably would’ve gone on a bit of a rampage after finding out my Bar had been burned down. Women, children, old folks…. Nobody would’ve been safe. Of course, in those days, I was a lot smaller than I am now. Becoming four tons of angry death machine makes you re-evaluated how you handle certain situations. Now, instead of getting mad, I drink myself to sleep.
Maybe tomorrow, I’ll get off my ass and help track down that arsonist. Maybe. Today turned out to be a me day, though. Bastard burned down my bar, so I felt I got a day off.
The headache I may or may not wake up with might even be worth it.
