The Business of War

The Bitch and the Beast

This here's a strictly gag installment to BoW that takes place some time in between Stages 5 and 6. It details two of the most unbearable people in the War discovering that they're made for each other and fall passionately in love...or do they? The idea literally popped into my head during a fairly old AIM chat between myself and Regulus as we discussed our future as the bad boys in the Cossack Camp. And from there...well...Considering how many folks here worked on BoW, I figure you guys could join in on the joke. If I got some of the personalities wrong, my bad, but keep in mind, this is strictly a gag, non-cannon ep. Dig in, have some fun and may God have mercy on your soul.

*Paris was a place with an Eiffel Tower, now it is a smoldering warzone. The Comrades are valiantly battling the Seven Mercenaries, but the battle isn’t going well


Quint: Hey guys! Check it out! We’re winning! You owe me fifty bucks, Captain Asshat.

Napalmman: *over com* Goddamnit!

*meanwhile, inside a burnt, shattered building*

Jade: *clutches his shoulder* Agh! This isn’t going well!

BB: *leaking vital fluids* Oh no! They’re closing in on us!

Dive: Shaddap! Ya ain’t helpin’!

Drill: This isn’t going to work guys. We’ve got go, and we’ve got to go now.

Toad: What about the-

Drill: We did the best we could. If we stay here any longer we’ll be ripped to shreds.

Dust: Right! Let’s go!

*the CC teleport out except Dive*

Dive: Ah shit! Where the hell did I leave my flask?!

*Dive starts rummaging through smoldering rubble for his flask as RPD Swat Joes led by Needlegal come from everywhere and surround him

Diveman: Oh, goddamnit!

Needlegal: Diveman! You are under arrest for murder, drunk and disorderly conduct, grand theft auto, cruelty to animals, destruction of private property, …Fuck it. You’re just under arrest.

*later, in RPD HQ’s interrogation room

Needlegal: Look you creep. You’re looking at some serious time. Half the department wants your head on a platter. Just make it easy on yourself and talk.

Dive: *spits at Needlegal* Suck it, Wednesday Adams!

Amatista: You’re getting nowhere with him! Let me handle this!!

Crorq: *over intercom*Needleinfidel!! You and the rest of the Mechanical Infidels to my office immediately! Gablahblahblah!

Avi: *over intercom* Oh gross! Don’t throw that half-chewed burrito at me!

Needlgal: …Fine…

*Needlegal and other Mechs leave the room as Amatista takes a seat in front of Diveman

Dive: Well, Sieg Hiel she-bitch. Ya look like the head on Searchman’s ass.

Amatista: You make me sick. It’s not enough that Scissor Army is butchering millions. No, you and your kind kill people and destroy buildings with innocent bystanders inside almost on a whim! You’re monsters!!

Dive: Yeah, ‘cause monsters would totally end up savin’ St. Petersburg. Yer welcome by the way.

Amatista: Don’t delude yourself. The RPD could’ve defeated Mysteryman without you jeopardizing the city’s safety!

Dive: Yeah, that’s yer job. *cough* Brussels! *cough*

Amatista: It’s not your place to criticize us! We have to do whatever it takes to keep the world safe from the SA!

Dive: Join the club. We got jackets.

Amatista: Don’t you-! You and I aren’t anything alike! You killed people for your childish cause!

Dive: So? Ya got an entire city torn down ‘n lef’ its citizens with jack ‘n shit! Prolly got a few wasted on tha side too. Fer YER fascist cause!

Amatista: Argh! You dick!

Dive: Yeah, well yer a bitch!

*Amatista flings herself into Diveman’s arms as they start passionately making out

Amatista: …I…I never met someone who could treat everyone like crap the way I can!

Dive: Heh…I always thought I was oneuva kind…

Amatista: So many lonely nights…so many people to be jerks to…Together!!

Dive: Shaddap and let’s do it!

*later, Dive and Amatista stagger out of the interrogation room, partially dressed

Dive: Heh. Never thought this’d happen to me…

Amatista: …You won’t tell anyone…right?

Dive: My lips are sealed.

*back at the citadel…*

Dive: Yo, I nailed Amatista.

Drill: What?! Dive, you escaped?!

BB: How’d you do that?

Dive: …By nailin’ Amatista. Weren’ ya listenin’?! *slaps BB on the back of the head*

Skull: What?! I lose the love of my life, but you get Amatista, just like that?! You suck!

Dive: Hugs ‘n kisses Zy. Now get outta way. I gotta make some calls. *dials a random phone number* Hey, this is Diveman ‘n I jus’ nailed Amatista. Pass it on. *dials another random number* Yo this Diveman. No, I don’ know ya, but I just tapped Amatista. Yeah, I know. Sweet huh?

*later, at Lebanon, in an alley…

Amatista: *making out* I can’t believe you told everybody! You dick!

Dive: *making out* I can’ believe no one bought it!

*later, at Kazan, behind an abandoned truck…

Amatista: *making out* Mmmm….I’LL GET YOU, YOU ROBOT SCUM!!

Dive: *making out* Oh yeah, that’s the stuff…COME ‘N GET IT, PIGS!!

*later, at Guadeloupe, in a ruined building…

Amatista: *making out* Come here big boy YOU WON’T GET AWAY WITH THIS, TERRORISTS!!

Dive: Heheheh…KISS MY ASS, RENT-A-COPS!! Ooh, that’s freaky!!

*later, at Jackman, in some nearby woods…

Amatista: I’m telling you, it’s your child!

Dive: No! How tha hell does that make sense?! Like…at all?!

Amatista: Do you think I get around that much?! Do you even know me, like…at all?!

Dive: …Either tha Virgin Mary was a robophobic dominatrix, or we jus’ broke biology. Either way, I needa drink.

Amatista: Already got the bottle. *whips out a half empty bottle of Smirnoff*

*six months later, at St. Luke’s Hospital…*

Doctor: *badly beat-up* Congratulations…it’s a bastard.

*the Doctor hands Amatista a gruff-looking cyborg baby smoking a cigarette

Amatista: …My head wants to explode looking at this thing.

Doctor: Damn thing broke both my hands as I was delivering it. Now get it out of here.

Dive: *stretches* Welp, thanks fer takin’ care o’ tha rugrat fer me ‘n-

Amatista: What?! *thrusts the kid in Dive’s arms* I’m not raising this abomination of nature. I have a war to win!

Dive: *thrusts the baby into Amy’s arms* I ain’t payin’ no child support! Not for this freak! He’s yer problem!!

Amatista: *passes the kid back* Not a chance!

Dive: I’m jus’ gonna flush it as soon as ya leave!

Doctor: Would you two just get a sitter for that thing and get the hell out of here?!

Amy and Dive: …!

*later, at Monsteropolis

Crorq: Infidels!! Blahblahblah. Infidblah…Blahfidels!! Blahblahblah? Infidels!! Gablahblahblahblah!! *throws a pizza at Avi*

Shadowman: …Why did I ever agree to this job?

Needlegal: Not a day goes by without me asking the same question.

Amatista: *plops the baby on Gauntlet’s lap*

Shadowman: Hey, what the-!

Amatista: Put him down for his nap at noon, feed him at five, and the cigarettes are in the top drawer. And do it right or I’ll shut you down!

Dive: No, ya dumb bimbo!! Shut his sister down so that he can live with tha guilt!

Amatista: Way to think outside the box! *kisses Diveman*

Dive: Heh, that’s my gal!

*later, back at the Citadel*

Dive: *smokes* Well, I’m sick of her.

Drill: Already?! It’s only been a few months.

Dust: And you have a kid.

Regulus: More like a goddamn bastard…Grrr…

Dive: …’N all this matters because…?

Dust: …Are you at least going to let her down easy?

Dive: Hell no! I’ll prolly jus’ tap her one more time, then start datin’ all the cheap floozies I can get my mitts on! She’s a big girl. A surprisingly big girl.

Regdar: *in awe* …You have much to teach us…

BB: Dive! Doesn’t it bother you? Don’t you care about her feelings?

Dive: ….Heheheh. Hahahahahaha!!

Toad: Geoff! We’re being serious!!

Dive: You are?! Let me laugh even harder. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

*later, at the Sizzler…

Amatista: …my horse, I wouldn’t have spent that year in college.

Dive: *drinking heavily* Huh? Yeah, don’ lissen ta her. Yer totally not fat in that outfit. Or whatever it was ya were talkin’ ‘bout.

Amatista: …Dive…I think our relationship’s hitting the rocks. You won’t even look at me in the back of the head any more!

Dive: *slaps a waitress’s ass* Yeah, sure. I’ll get ya that ring or whatever the hell it was ya were talkin’ ‘bout.

Amatista: Dive!! I mean, I haven’t even met your family…

Dive: Yeah, let’s think ‘bout that fer a sec. I’m a Cossacker, ‘n yer an RPD pig. Ya do the math.

Amatista: Pig...? *tearing up* I thought…you…

Dive: Nope.

*Amatista breaks down in tears…noisily

Dive: Damnit…I won’ be able ta tap her like this…Look, babe I’ll take ya firs’ thing in tha mornin’.

Amatista: *throws herself at Dive* Really?? Oh thank you!! Thank you!!

Dive: Uh…It’s nuthin’…I guess…

Amatista: Say…about tonight…*whispers in Dive’s ear*

Dive: …What tha hell’s a Cleveland Steamer?

*that morning, at Cossack’s Citadel, Dive presents a bashful Amatista to Dr. Cossack and the Comrades

Dive: Yeah, this is Amy. Ya already know ‘er. Any questions?

BB: Hi!

Pharaoh: What’s up?

*Amatista suddenly slams Diveman to a wall and slaps handcuffs on him*

Dive: Hey, what the hell!? What is this shit!!

Amatista: Isn’t it obvious, you fool?! I was using you so that we could locate your hideout!

Comrades: What?!

Amatista: *speaking into a com* I found Cossack’s Citadel. Mobilize the troops at these coordinates.

Dive: …So ya were faking it?

Amatista: Big time.

Dive: I shoulda known! Ya bitch!

*suddenly, the citadel’s wall explodes as the SA closes in outside*

SA: Kill now! For Elysium awaits!

Napalmman: Alright cheesedicks, I want Brickback Mountain-

Quint: Hey is that Amatista?! Hot damn!

Sedulus: Shake it, baby!

Napalmman: I’d ambush that!

Cutman: *wolf whistles*

Mesmerman: *stuffs dollar bills into Amatista’s pants*

Amatista: Stop that! What’s the meaning of this?!

Diveman: Oh that. I was runnin’ low on beer money, so I sold those naughty pics ya gave me on the net. Yer panties too. Now, I’m set fer life.

Cutman: *twirls Amy’s panties around his finger* Best investment I ever made!

Cossack: *sniffs Amy’s panties* I had to stiff Artillery again, but it was worth it!

Artillery: I heard that!

Amatista: …!!

*as Amatista shakes with rage, a gaggle of floozies appear from a potted plant and cling to Diveman

Floozy: Are you coming big guy?

Dive: Wait fer me in the hot tub. I’ll be in jus’ a sec.

Amatista: …I don’t believe this!! You’ve ruined me!! For beer money!!

Napalmman: Uh…Hello?

Dive: How’s that my problem?

*snarling with rage, Amatista wraps her jeweled chain around Dive’s neck*

Amatista: I’ll show you how it’s your problem, you dick!

Diveman: Serves ya right, ya manipulative bitch!

Dive & Amatista: *passionately making out*

Dive: Let’s never fight again, sweetie!

Amatista: Screw you! Do you have any idea how much these spats turn me on?

Napalmman: Hello…??

Dive: Tough luck, tuts. Ya live with me, ya play by my rules!

Amatista: *slaps Dive* You dick!

Dive & Amatista: *start tearing their clothes off*

Crystalgirl: …Uh…We’re still…here…

Amatista: I don’t care! Let them watch!

Everyone: …

*Dive and Amatista kiss and make up in front of everybody…Later…

Shadowman: *being mauled by more cyborg infants* …Goddamnit…Just shoot me.

Amatista: *in a skimpy mini-skirt and tank top* Don’t’ forget to change them at six.

Crorq: Me too! Gablahblahblahblah!! *throws a messy taco at Avi*

Dive: C’mon, babe! Napalm ‘n Crystal aren’ gonna wait fer us forever!



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