The Business of War


Scenario J
Ascendant Androids (SA)
Deep Impact (C)

Location: Kuwait City, Kuwait
Max. Cossack Scrap Value: 6408
SA Infantry: 1364
RPD Units: 1019
Wily Bots: 765

Kuwait City was in the midst of a celebration. A month ago, history was made, and civilization made a great leap towards paradise and unity. Dr. Cossack, leader of the pissant rebels hailing from frozen, bumfuck nowhere was eviscerated for the world to see, his home was now a smoldering memory, and the left shattered remnants of his pathetic army left to go crying to Wily, RPD, or even SA. It was just a question of when the rest of those maggots would follow suit. Yes, a month after their brutal, decisive victory, the SA were still celebrating, and sharing their joy with the good people of Kuwait.

The RPD forces in the northwest outskirts Kuwait City quickly mobilized to intercept the incoming threat marching along the Jahra Street. But it was all for naught as they were stampeded by twenty tons of unbridled fury. Those that survived and weren’t incinerated by atomic ash were lifted off the ground by unseen force, then screamed in unfathomable agony as they slowly crumpled like tin cans. On a nearby street that ran parallel, stone buildings were ripped to stony shreds and washed over squads of RPD troops like a tidal wave. A handful of quick-thinking human commandoes took cover in an alley as the rocky tsunami devoured the street, only to be impaled by several golf ball-sized crystals. The soldiers screamed and struggled in vain as the crystals’ sadistic puppeteer commanded them to gun down fleeing civilians. Citizens trying to flee out the major roads were met with a barrage of bombs that exploded into a hungry, raging inferno blocking their retreat. At the tail of the carnage, a legion of SA Joes secured the devastated streets. The Ascendant Androids had arrived in Kuwait City.

“Now THIS is more like it!” Gyroman boasted as he strafed RPD officers with mini-guns and sidewinders.

“You said it!” Crystalgirl cackled, as she forced her newest puppets to lick the blood off her boots. Napalmman wished he could join in their revelry. But, General Cutman sure as shit didn’t send them down to this shithole just so that he and his bellycrawlers could have a good time. And after his fuck-up at Cossack’s Citadel, he didn’t want to bitch this mission up. He’d been getting off lightly for his screw-ups, but he sure as shit didn’t want to push his luck. Besides, fucking up was for Quint and his band of wannabes.

“Cut the horseshit, Shit Piles!!” Napalmman barked, smashing a puppet’s skull in. Napalmman ignored a dirty look from Gypsy Bitch as he set his sights on his target: Liberation Tower, the building Napalmman chose for their base of operations. “We’ve still got a job to do, so don’t break out the fucking champagne yet. You ladies understand your mission, right?!” Napalmman barked at the Shit Piles.

"I'm not sure," Gravityman replied quietly. "Maybe we need the General to sit on your shoulders and fill us on the details," The Shit Piles chuckled at Napalmman's humiliation back Cossack's citadel at as Gravity smirked at his captain. Every square inch of Napalmman wanted nothing more wipe that fucking smirk, and that psychotic shitkicker off the face of Elysium. But there was a job to do. And Napalmman didn't the General to lose any more faith in him than he already had. Gravityman's excruciating torture could wait once the mission was wraped up. With all the goddamn patience he could muster, Napalmman turned towards a group of 20 Joes assembled before him, each holding small devices in their hands.

"How about you, assholes? Do you cheesdicks have any smartass comments you like to share before we get started?!" The peons shook their heads, waiting for Napalmman's next command. “Then move out, maggots!!” Napalmman ordered, as the Joes disappeared down nearby manholes.

“Gyro, you know the routine,” Napalmman ordered over the com.

“Don’t I always?” Gyroman snidely replied, racing off towards the shithole’s landmark tower.

“And you…” Napalmman growled at Waveman. “Stay where I can see you.”

“C’mon!” Waveman pouted. “Why should I miss out on all the fun?!” Napalmman angrily slugged Waveman right in his armor, sprawling the puddle of piss out on the ground. After his disappearance back at Izhaevsk, and after how he abandoned his post just so that he could get himself fragged in Cossack’s Citadel, Naplamman was looking for an excuse to send the cackling, apeshit insane bag of Section 8 piss down the Porcelain Express.

“You know what the chain of command is?!” Napalmman bellowed. “It’s a chain I beat you with and hang you from until you start taking my commands! Same goes to all you fucking worms.” Grumbling to himself, Wave picked his sorry ass up, and conjured up a watery trident, anxious to join in the orgy of violence. He knew what the captain had planned, but he still wanted him to hurry up so that he could get to the fun part. After all, this was a time for celebration.


The group of freedom fighters teleported at the south of the devastated city. Even from this distance, columns of smoke could be seen everywhere, as a sign to the world that the Androids were in the place. Quickly, they took cover of a small house, and once they were sure nothing saw them, they talked.

"We have a goal, but I don't see how to get to it." started one of the robots. He was tall, his body orange-red, and had a giant sword for a right arm. "Dealing with the SA is no fun to start with, but the Androids ..."

"And Chargeman, no less." continued his companion, which was loosely designed on a walking water tank. "I'm out of ideas on this one. Your turn, Hunter."

The two-headed sniper nodded. "I prepared something just after the briefing. Chances of success : 52%."

"And what are the remaining 48% for ?" inquired Grenademan.

"If a group of Joes spots us. We'll have to deal with them quickly before they call other Officers. But if Gravity or Napalm are present ... success rate decreases to 1%."

"No need to worry about how it could go wrong. Just tell us how to make it right." declared Swordman.

"Chargeman is a slow-brained robot, with the attention span of a youngster. We must focus his attention, and take him where we want. Since the Androids see this kind of event happening on a daily basis, they won't notice this particular time."

"You realize what you want us to do ? Having Chargeman running after us ?!" said Aquaman. He was getting worried.

"With our new upgrades, it shouldn't be too much of a problem, eh ?" said Grenademan in an optimistic tone.

Searchman nodded, thoughtful. They had received quite a gift, that's for sure, but it was still the Scissor Army they were dealing with. He then noticed AstroChan's expression. "Something wrong, SKY ?"

"Well, it's just that ... if it goes wrong again ... I mean ..." AstroChan was losing her words, but they all understood. She had to go through the experience of seeing her teammates dead. No one could stand this.

Searchman patted her on the shoulder. "This time, we're prepared. Everything will be fine." AstroChan weakly nodded. She was still worried, but Searchman knew what he was doing.

Hunter then drew a small map of the area on the floor. "Here's what we will have to do..."

Several minutes passed as he explained his plan. "Understood ?" His teammates nodded.

"Perfect. SKY and I will go first. Maha will meet us up later. Blaze, Neolan, keep ready to go if needed.
"Impacters, for Cossack !"

Searchman and AstroChan ran out to town and disguised themselves, one switching his camouflage to a desertic style, and the other using a hologram as a cover. Grenademan prepared a set of landmines for the area next to their place of hiding. He'd have to prepare quite a lot of them...

The Impacters were feeling better than they ever had since the beginning of the War : they had found a temporary way to deal with the Evil Energy that infected them, had been repaired and upgraded ; they felt once again useful to their faction.

For now, they had a Hell Train to catch...


Liberation Tower was within Napalmman's grasp. The city kept vainly throwing its pathetic robo rent-a-cops at the destructive might of the Scissor Army. Didn't they understand that better soldiers than these shit sticks have tried stopping them? Just about everything RPD threw at them ended up stampeded, burned, eviscerated, and/or crushed. Even their "Special" forces were no match for Gravity and his Section 8 sadism. It was no fucking contest.

"Sir, the ordinances are in position," a Joe reported over the com.

"Then what the hell are you fuckwads waiting for?!" Napalmman barked into the com. Seconds later, twenty bundles of C4 attached to the watermains deep within the sewers detonated in perfect synchronization, unleashing raging torrents of water. Flashfloods ran through the underbelly the city and quickly swallowed its labyrinthine tunnels, turning them into an underground river. The force of the explosions tore through the roads above, creating gaping holes at various junctures. The whole scene reminded Napalmman of his encounter with Diveman. And he'd have to thank his mutilated, scorched remains later for the inspiration.

"That's your cue, Watersport," Napalmman chided at Waveman. However, the maggot had already oozed out of his armor and quickly plunged into the flooded sewers, Napalmman focused his attention back towards Chargeman. The roid-raging dipshit was smashing through buildings, mostly for lack of anything better to do. Napalmman inwardly sighed as he gave the mongoloid his next command, tryig to keep it as simple as possible.

"You, Chargeman: look for dumb Cossackers. You beat them up. You stay on roads. Don't run through buildings. You understand?" Chargeman screamed even louder, hopefully because he knew what the hell he was supposed to be doing. However, Napalm's hopes were soon dashed as the fuckin' moron just plowed through a row house without so much as a "Whoopsy-daisy". Exasperated, steam poured out of Napalmman's face vents as the buidling-sized clusterfuck opened up paths past Wave's water pits. With all the patience he could muster, Napalmman and the rest of the AA turned ther attention back towards Liberty Tower.

"Such a magnificent piece of architecture," Gravityman sneered, nodding towards Liberation Tower as he took the mangled remains of RPD Joes and Special Force units left scattered about the street. Using his dominance over gravity, the psycho crumpled the groaning rent-a-cop remains into a massive sphere the size of a tank. With a flick of his finger, Gravityman flung the mish-mash wrecking ball of rent-a-cops at the tower’s top, pulverizing it.

"I give it a nine," Gravityman chuckled as concrete, mortar and steel rained from the sky all around the tower. Liberation Tower, along with Kuwait City, was theirs.


A human soldier bounded through the alleys, with getting the hell away from this city the only thing on his mind. He had seen his own allies brutally massacred by these Ascendant Androids, and wondered why he just had to choose to be stationed here. Through his own terrified gasps of air he could not hear the nearby rushing sound of water....

Suddenly, something grabbed him by the collar and lifted him up into the air. He let out a horrified scream as he faced his captor. It looked like something that crawled straight out of the depths of hell. Liquid, but with a definite, humanoid shape with crimson eyes and a gaping maw. Waveman was just a blob of water, yet his presence petrified the hapless soldier.

Then without warning the aquatic terror thrust out its free arm, viciously driving it down the poor man's throat. His screams only came out as constricted gurgles and he thrashed around as the pressurized liquid began crushing his internal organs.

Waveman's voice was unusually low and dark. "You've been selected to perform in my show! Aren't you excited?" His cackle now had a more sadistic tone as he made his way back into the sewers with his catch in tow, purposely giving the soldier a slow and agonizing death. "The average adult human body is made of 60% water," the Android explained with a chuckle. "This is going to be SO much fun."


Aquaman and Swordman hid in an abandoned semi truck trailer along the side of the road as Grenademan was busy burying landmines. He’d already buried all the landmines Searchman said they’d need. But Grenademan said he wanted to lay a few extra just to be on the safe side. Aquaman didn’t blame him, and besides, it wasn’t like there was much else to do. All they had to do was lay low and wait for Searchman and Astrochan to bring their mark back to here. However, Aquaman couldn’t bring himself to believe it’d be that simple.

“You think this’ll work?” Aqua asked uneasily.

“Heheh, the moron won’t even know what hit him,” Grenade replied confidently as he buried a few more landmines. It wasn’t Chargeman Aquaman was worried about. It wouldn’t take long for the rest of the AA to figure out what happened once Chargeman disappeared. And if Gyroman spotted them, it’d be all over. The AA wouldn’t even sic Joes after them. Gyro could just radio their position to the Black Death, and he could just simply napalm nuke them into oblivion. Their mission would be over before it even begun. And Aquaman wasn’t convinced that they’d be hidden from Gyro’s sight if he were to fly down here.

Enough. The others had made up their minds. They were going to take Chargeman down once and for all. And he wasn’t going to be the one who held them back. He was ready to give whatever he had to put that monstrosity out of commission. At least he hoped he was.


“This isn’t a good start…” Astrochan mused as she and Searchman took cover in an alley in the outskirts of the city. A few yards ahead, Searchman spotted a yawing, water-filled pit right in the middle of the road. And there was an 80% chance that Waveman was lurking in that pit too, or at least according to Searchman. If that wasn’t enough, a small detachment of Joes also stood watch across the pit, ready to call Waveman for back-up. And the best part was that this was the street they needed to lure Chargeman down. Out of sight. “Any ideas? Think we could try going down a different street?”

“Negative,” Searchman answered, shaking his heads. “I calculate a 5% percent chance that the remaining roads out of the city aren’t destroyed. This is the street we must utilize.” Astrochan sighed inwardly. It was never easy.

“Let’s just focus on sneaking past these guards for starters. Exposing ourselves this far from Chargeman’s location would be a bad idea.” Astrochan nodded. Napalmman probably wouldn’t think twice about nuking a couple Joes if it meant wiping a few Cossackers off the face of the Earth. Without another word, the two Impacters quietly scrambled up a fire escape to a roof. Thankfully, Gyroman was off patrolling another part of the city, but it wouldn’t be long before he made his approach. As quickly and as quietly as she could, she carried Searchman from rooftop, watching for Desert Joes in the streets each time before she crossed over. Searchman also switched out his desert camo for a sky-colored scheme, lending the two of them more stealth. As they moved from she spotted a few more of Waveman’s water pits. Much to Astrochan’s despair, it looked as though it’d be impossible to move through the city without getting at least uncomfortably close to a water pit.

“Great. How are we going to get Chargeman past this?” Astrochan asked as she stopped to catch her breath on a rooftop near Main Street. “Waveman’s not going to let us waltz off with one of his fellow officers.”

“It won’t be easy,” Searchman replied thoughtfully, his mind already concocting solutions to this problem. “Perhaps if we-“ Searchman was cut off in mid-sentence as a blinding light soared overhead towards the southeast corner of the city, spewing billowing jet black smoke and a trail of fire as it went.

A napalm nuke. Astrochan surmised grimly, as her gaze followed the warhead to an oil refinery off in the distance. Astrochan felt a twinge of panic as the refinery and the block surrounding it was swallowed up by a hungry, napalm-fueled inferno. The AA had destroyed what they were here for. It wouldn’t be long before the rest of the city followed suit. However, their despair was quickly replaced by abject terror as they heard the beat of helicopter blades getting louder and louder. Not saying a word, Searchman and Astrochan scrambled down a fire escape and dove through a window as Gyroman drew closer. Astrochan could hear Gyroman's rotor hovering directly over the roof as she hid in an empty, dingy closet. What felt like hours had passed, but she still could hear Gyroman's helicopter blades turning clear as day overhead. Eventually, the noise from Gyroman's rotor grew fainter and fainter. Astrochan and Searchman sighed in relief as the watched Gyroman fly off towards another part of the city. In their moment of relief, they didn’t notice another nuke raced off in the horizon towards another refinery.


Liberation Tower wasn’t exactly built for robots like Napalmman. But with a little lift from Crystalgirl’s crystals, Napalmman had no trouble making himself at home at the tower’s ruined top. He’d already blown the first refinery to hell, and Refinery Number 2 had just erupted in glorious, awe-inspiring, all-consuming flames. Only one more refinery remained before Napalmman’s milk run of a mission was accomplished. And the refinery was already dead-center in his sights. With a maniacal laugh and a roar from his howitzer, a third napalm nuke was sent screaming towards its prey. Napalmman laughed with cruel joy as Kuwait City’s last refinery joined its siblings in fiery oblivion. It was done. Napalmman had once again come through for the General and Elysium, and in record time to boot. Although this wasn’t as much of a milestone as obliterating Cossack’s craphole, the Earth was one step closer towards the elusive utopia that humans continued to deny. After watching the devastation he nurtured unfold for a few minutes, Napalmman called up all his Androids and Shit Piles on his com.

“That’s the last of them. We’re done here,” Napalmman barked triumphantly.

“Got any special plans for the rest of the city?” Crystalgirl asked. Napalmman bellowed with laughter as his howitzer slid into position.

“Nope. Not. A. Thing.” Napalmman sneered as he fired three napalm nukes in random directions, overcome with joy. “Destroy it all, Androids! Go out there and have some fun!” Napalmman congratulated as a pair of crystalline hooks carried him back down to the streets, his teams’ elated, maniacal laughter clear as day. However, their joy was dashed by Gyro’s smarmy voice over the com.

“Hate to burst your bubble, but Deep Impact’s here. Just a little FYI,” Gyro reported. "I see Grenademan clear as day just outside the city. And the loser’s burying something." Napalmman couldn't but feel slightly insulted. He knew the remaining Cock Sackers were up shit creek without a paddle, but sending their Z team after him?! Did they have a fucking death wish? Or was this the best the Cossackers had left?

What fucking difference does it make? Their ass is grass. Napalmman reasoned. As tempting as it was, Napalmman resisted the urge to just nuking them into the goddamn Stone Age. Ideally, it should be enough to put the DI out of his misery. But after that clusterfuck with the Gila Gladiators in Berlin, he wanted rock-hard proof the DI was deader than Cossack. And he knew that the General would feel the same way.

“Waveman, that asshole is begging to be a happy meal,” Napalmman bellowed into the com.

“Heheheh, who am I to disappoint?! Kyahahahaha!” the cackling pissbag responded.

“The rest of you Shit Piles, fan out and search this shitheap for the rest of the Deep Throaters. Leave no stone intact. They can’t be far,” Napalmman ordered as he advanced towards the south end of town. “And bring some of them home in a doggy bag for the General,” Napalmman continued. Napalmman didn’t give a flying rat’s ass whether the General transformed the DI into the SA’s latest bullet stoppers, or if he used their remains to wipe his ass. He just wanted to put a brutal end to their string of dumb luck. And he and his Androids were the ones suited for the job. If worse came to worse, he could just napalm nuke the what’s left of this fucking burg along with these cheesedicks and call it a day.

The anti-teleportation shield would be up in a matter seconds. Between the grid and Waveman’s whack-a-mole water pits, Deep Impact had nowhere to run or hide. They were going to burn with the rest of the city.


Needless to say, Searchman and AstroChan were scared to the bottom of their souls. but the sniper's mechanical mind kicked in.

"He didn't see us", he transmitted on internal frequencies to his teammate. "Let's settle here and wait."

Astrochan did as ordered, and nearly sighed out in relief as the chopper noise went away. Her feeling of joy disappeared as she saw the whole SA going back to their first location.
Immediately, Searchman called on Grenademan. "We've been spotted. Try to stay unexposed. Hunter, over."

The two Impacters then waited. With the whole batallion moving out, Chargeman would follow soon...


Grenademan was cursing after himself. If he hadn't been setting too much mines, they would have gone unnoticed !

"Else, it would have been a Napalm Nuke." he reasoned.

In his tentative to hide himself from the SA, he headed to what seemed to be a mortar crater. It seemed deep enough to hide him from the Army ...
He dove in. And splashed. He realized too late who was a member the Androids, as he seemed to hear a gurgling noise close to him...
He readied himself for the fight to come.


"What the heck is that?" Aquaman whispered.

A deluge of water came out of nowhere, and Swordman and Aquaman realized that it was carrying Grenade. The Impacter landed hard on the ground as the water receded.

And there hovered various humans, their lifeless bodies soaking wet and dangling from connected, translucent liquid tendrils that were thrust into their mouths.

"Hello, everyone!" came a disembodied voice. "I've prepared a special show for you all! Aren't you lucky? Please, just sit back and enjoy! Kyahahahahahaha!"

Grenade got up to his feet. "What..... The hell are you doing... Waveman?"

"Awww.... Why are you so serious? We're supposed to be having fun here! Okay, let's have a little dance routine for our opening!"

Then, like defunct marionettes, the human corpses began to twist and flail about, whirling clumsily in the air but in syncrocity with each other. The dance went on with grotesque elegance, and even though the sight was beyond disturbing, Grenade and the hidden Sword and Aqua couldn't look away.

"Okay, and now we come to the story. Humans.... They're so greedy and full of sin, always warring with each other. Why, if we robots had just leave them be they could have wiped themselves out like this!"

The corpses then began to attack each other, striking with such force that their limbs impaled each other, until they were all intertwined in a gruesome, bloody web.

"Oh! Why are they so BLIND to their own wrongdoings?"

Their pallid eyeballs literally popped, making consecutive squishing noises and blood sprinkling the ground. Maha felt sick to his stomach, but he had to keep watching, figuring that the moment he looked away Waveman would strike.

The insane liquid robot continued his enthusiastic narrative. "Why are they DEAF to the cries of the earth along with their own kind?" and gushes of water tore holes through the sides of the humans' heads.

"And as they realize that their end is coming near, they want to do something to leave their mark.... They want to go out with a bang! Well, folks, let's grant their wish! KYAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!"

All of the water forced itself out of the bodies in all directions, causing the corpses to explode, blood and entrails splattering everywhere. Something that could have been intestines smacked itself into Grenade. All that remained now was a mixture of water and blood flowing through the air, and it began collecting into itself to form a humanoid shape with red eyes. Tendrils reached for various scraps of the humans' remains, and Waveman arranged them into himself to resemble his armor. "Now wasn't that a great show?!" he cackled.

Maha fixated his grenade launcher on the aquatic terror. "You... You killed those humans and turned them into dolls just to.... 'entertain' us?!"

"KYAHAHAHAHA! Well, that, and I was also buying time so the anti-teleportation grid would be activated and so that some of my buddies can surround you. They'll come out to play if you try to run! And I noticed that you said 'us'...... Is there some other Cossackers hiding somewhere?" Waveman looked around. "Oh well, I'll look for them later. For now, I think YOU would make a great puppet! KYAHAHAHAHA!!"

Grenademan closed his eyes and suddenly fired a flash bomb. Waveman snarled as he was blinded by the brilliant light.


Guess the Scissor Army’s human after all. Astrochan happily mused as she and Searchman emerged from their hiding place. She couldn’t believe their luck as she heard Gyroman pass right over them, seconds ago. However, she knew Gyroman would make another pass, and she wasn’t sure if she could fool him twice. If only he was the one they were after…

“Need me to go up and keep an eye out for ol’ Chargeman?” Astrochan offered, helpfully. Searchman shook his heads as he cocked his massive rifle arm. They could hear a soft, mechanical, repetitive, but almost musical sound drawing closer. Whatever it was, it wasn't anyone on their team.

“I don’t think that’ll be necessary,” Searchman replied, as the mechanically rhythmic sound was accompanied by the sounds of concrete shattering and metal girders bending as Chargeman tore through a building fifty feet down the street, screaming with rage.

“Well, that was easy,” Astrochan commented. However, the raging behemoth was completely oblivious to their presence and was already smashing through the building across from the one he devastated, hoping this one had the pesky Cossackers he was sent to kill. Not saying a word, Searchman raised his rifle, expertly taking aim at the side of the berserker’s head and fired. The missile precisely struck the CO on the side of the mask covering his jaw. The mask was barely scratched, but it was enough to catch the attention of the twenty-ton ball of rage. The Hell Train stopped dead in his tracks, then furiously barreled straight towards them, bellowing in incoherent rage. Splitter Joes engaging SWAT Joes on the street frantically dove for cover in nearby alleys, leaving the RPD bots to their fate.

“It’s all up to you, now,” Searchman encouraged, as he lined up another shot on Chargeman. Taking a deep breath, Astrochan took to the air and hovered directly in front of Chargeman. With a roar, Chargeman awkwardly swung a massive fist at Astrochan. Split-seconds before the fist made contact, Astrochan disappeared, as Chargeman’s left hook hit nothing but air. The furious freight train roared in fury and confusion as it looked all around, trying to find where the strange floating bot went.

Much to Chargeman’s delight, Astrochan reappeared at the juncture of Main Street and Sixth Ring Street, a few hundred yards away. Wasting no time, he rushed towards the exposed Cossacker again, spewing ash and kicking abandoned cars out of the way. But just as he was in arms reach of her, she disappeared again. In his anger, Chargeman repeatedly slammed his fists and feet into random buildings. How did she do that? It wasn’t fair. He was supposed to smash her for Papa and Black Bully, or they’d get mad at him again! And they’re scary when they’re mad!

As Chargeman spewed ash and threw his destructive tantrum, Astrochan reappeared at another juncture further south.

“A perfect shot!” Astrochan quietly boasted as she readied an astro crush over Chargeman. Moments later, several burning meteorites slammed into the rampaging, near-mindless juggernaut, catching him by surprise. Once the meteor shower passed, Chargeman turned his hateful gaze towards Astrochan. With a feral roar, the war machine sprinted towards the puny robot, aching to crush her. As Chargeman rushed towards her, Astrochan curiously looked at her surroundings more closely. It was probably nothing, but she could’ve sworn there was a water pit here a minute ago.


Something was wrong. Gyroman knew it. He knew he saw some movement on some rooftop on Main Street. He flew in for a closer look, but before he could see what the deal was, some punk shot a bomb at him. It missed him by a mile, but Gyroman flew after the little shit who tried to shoot him in the back. But after minutes of searching, he came up dry. He didn’t even get a good look at who it was.

With nothing to go on, he picked up where he left off on his sweep, where he at least spotted Grenademan burying a bone or something outside the city. But the asshole who shot at him was along Main Street, well within the city. How hell could Grenademan get around that quickly? He wanted to take a closer look at what the hell was going on, but Captain Asshat ordered him on a search-and-destroy mission.

Gyroman followed the jerk-off’s orders, but as he was “passing by” main street, he stopped to take another peek at what was going on. However, all he saw Chargeman chasing what looked like Astrochan down a street. Gyroman couldn’t help but laugh at the dumb bitch. Sooner or later, she’ll hit one of Wave’s pot holes, and it’d be curtains for her. But there was no reason why he couldn’t join in on the fun…

Chuckling to himself, he readied a sidewinder missile as she appeared dead-center in his sights. Just as he pulled the trigger, he felt something slam into his back rotors. It didn’t hurt too much, but it frigged up his altitude and ruined his shot. He couldn’t see who it was, but any idiot could tell who had that kind of aim.

“Found Searchman,” Gyroman casually announced over the com as he flew over the sniper’s roof.

“He’s MINE,” Napalmman’s voice barked. “Just keep him busy until I can reach him, maggot.” Gyroman raised his arms defensively, even though Napalmman was nowhere near him. It was too damn easy to set that asshole off. Once Smiles was off the com, Gyroman raced by the building where the shot came from, strafing the first floor with his mini-guns. After he finished his run, he flew up to the second-story windows to get ready for his next run.


Searchman wasn't exactly feeling happy with the presence of Gyroman. Not only could he get severely damaged, but he may also disturb the plot on Chargeman. He walked out, ready to jump on the next roof that followed Chargeman's way.

The SA Supercopter spotted him, and may have made the same reasoning, as he was in the process of levelling the building Searchman was planning to get on. Heavy smoke rose as the building was hit by the unending swarm of missiles. When the smoke dissipated, Searchman saw ...

... that the building was completely undamaged.

It was completely illogical ! Any structure hit by such a destructive force should have collapsed by now !

Searchman quickly shrugged these thoughts off, and aimed at Gyroman. A volley of his own Homing Snipers hit the confused Android, followed by shots of his upgraded sniper rifle.
It wasn't enough to destroy him, but the Android flew slightly away, buying the Impacter enough time to put a buildings or two between the Android and him.

As he ran away, he seemed to hear a high-pitched laugh, coming from a long distance...


Grenademan was running away from Waveman, in an attempt to get him as far from his teammates as possible.
He stopped when a water wall appeared in front of him. Quickly, it took back the shape of Waveman. The cackling horror was turning his hands and torso in a set of tentacles, trying to catch Grenademan.
He fought back, trying to get his arm free. It was useless.As he felt his body getting crushed, and parts of his armors squashed, he heard a small laugh.

Inexplicably, the tentacles surrounding his right arm retracted. As far as he could see, the Officer was surprised as well.
Quickly, Grenademan opened fire, bliding the monstrosity again.
He prepared to run farther away when he heard a rythmic trampling noise coming his way.

"Change of plans", he muttered. He had just found a practical use for Chargeman...


Chargeman was mad!! He wanted to smash, he wanted to crush the floaty-ball thing in front of him. But it kept going away. Then it came back further away. He chased it all the way to end of the city, but it kept going away right in front of him. That wasn’t fair! No one can do that! It was playing jokes on him. Hot ash came out of his head every time it went away, burning small puny fleshies. Mean black thing and Papa were going to be mad at him again.

But the floatie thing came back again. This time it came back where Water thing was. Water thing was busy playing with something else. But he knew he’d help catch floating thing. It couldn’t go away anymore.

Excited, Chargeman roared as he ran towards the mean floaty thing. Water thing also laughed and grew lots of sharp arms that reached towards floaty thing. Yes! Floaty thing screamed as Water thing stabbed its chest! It could be hurt! Water laughed like a silly man as he thing kept floaty thing from going away. Chargeman ran towards floatie thing, eager to teach it a lesson for being mean.

“She’s all yours, Charge!” Water thing laughed as he threw floaty thing at him. Feeling very, very angry, Chargeman hit floaty thing, and he hit it hard! So hard it flew into a building! That’s what it got for playing mean jokes on him! Happy, Chargeman roared as he ran towards the building floatie thing crashed into. It wasn’t ever going to be mean to him or to Black thing and Papa anymore!


Aquaman quietly snuk out of the trailer just after Grenademan blinded Waveman and lifted a manhole cover to the flooded sewers. Grenademan told him he had some sort of ace up his sleeves involving Chargeman. And since he and Sword were only ones not doing anything, he was all too happy to help.

However, Aquman felt his heart sink as he and Sword watched Chargeman brutally slam Astrochan into a building from a nearby alley. She wasn’t getting up from that any time soon. And after she brought him this far. How were they going to subdue Chargeman now?

“You there, Aquaman? Hello?!” Grenademan shouted over his com.

‘Yeah. But not so loud. They’ll hear,” Aquaman whispered. “What are we going to do? He got Astrochan,”

“Don’t worry, we can still nail him,” Grenademan promised. “You and Sword just stick to the plan. I’ll get Astrochan once Einstein’s gone.” Before Aquaman could object, Grenademan dashed out in front of Chargeman as the monster bellowed in triumphant rage.

“Come and get me, fucker!” Grenademan taunted as he fired a few flash bombs at the juggernaut’s face. Chargeman screamed as the explosions blinded him, but more out of rage than pain. Chargeman quickly recovered from the assault stampeded full-tilt towards Grenademan as he ran like hell towards Waveman.

“Oh, this is priceless!” Waveman cackled, reforming several tridents as Chargeman thundered towards Grenademan, screaming with unfathomable rage. All Aquaman could do was watch in horror as Chargeman quickly closed in on him and Waveman lunged with his tridents.

“Now!!” Grenademan screamed. With a moment to spare, Aquaman conjured a giant, powerful geyser from the flooded sewer depths beneath Charge’s feet. The geyser shattered through the pavement, flinging the surprised massive war machine off his feet. Grenademan frantically threw on himself on to the pavement just as Chargeman’s feet grazed over the top of his head. Waveman watched in shock and horror as his enormous, screaming ally flew towards him. Chargeman could do nothing but scream in surprised fury, then pain and fury as he landed on Waveman, his tridents piercing his thick metal hide. And to add insult to injury, Aquaman and Grenademan were seizing the opportunity to score potshots off of the downed behemoth as he struggled to pick himself up.

“Gah! You oaf!” Waveman yelled as he conjured another geyser to fling Chargeman off of him, unknowingly towards Grenade’s landmines. Chargeman just growled with rage as the wounded beast picked itself up. As he rose, his hateful gaze fell squarely on Swordman, who was standing several yards away, right by the minefield. With another roar of fury and spray of molten ash, Chargeman dashed towards the seemingly exposed Impacter.

Grenademan smugly chuckled at Chargeman as he sprinted towards Aqua’s alley. Just as he stepped on the sidewalk, an enormous geyser burst out from beneath underneath, forcefully, tossing him back onto the street. Before Grenademan could get up, several more geysers shot up from the ground, each blocking his ways out.

“Okay, now I’m mad,” fumed Waveman as several tendrils slithered out of the holes. In a panic, Grenademan strafed the CO to the right, trying to get to the building Astrochan was in…only to run head-on into a watery trident. Aquaman frantically tried to think of something to help, but everything he thought of ended with him dying beside Grenademan. As Aquaman frantically weighed his options, his heart sank again when he saw the unmistakable shapes of Crystalgirl and Stoneman approaching from the west.

Grenademan looked over in Aquaman’s direction and nodded towards the minefield Chargeman was thundering toward. Nodding heavily and raced towards Swordman and the minefield.

“Just stick to the plan…” Aquaman reminded himself. It was all he could do, now. He just hoped that he wasn’t spotted, that it was enough to stop Chargeman, and more importantly, that Grenademan would live to tell about this.


Damnit! This isn’t good. Grenademan cursed to himself. It took all of his will not to scream in pain as Waveman pinned him to the sidewalk. He could feel Wave’s water seeping, slithering inside him, eating at his internals. It felt like his nerves were being devoured. If that wasn’t humiliating enough, he had Crystalgirl and Stoneman sneering at him.

“Where the hell have you been?!” Waveman exclaimed.

“We got held up. These stupid Special Forces came out of nowhere and took us by surprise,” Crystal explained.

“What?! I thought we took all those out!” Waveman asked disbelievingly.

“Don’t ask me. We just kill things,” Crystal dryly quipped. “Hey, did you drop that? There are laws against littering...” Crystal snickered, leering at Grenademan as one of her crystals rested itself on one of his eyes. Grenademan writhed in agony as he tried to point his buster at the smug bitch.

“Ah, I’m just fun with him. Aren't I, buddy?” Waveman chuckled, flinging Grenademan onto another trident. “But hey, Chargeman knocked one of them into that building over there. Braniac took off after another one over there,” Wave added, pointing to Astrochan and Swordman respectively. “And Aquaman can’t be far. Bastard flung Chargeman at me with a geyser,”

“Fine. I’ll get the one in the building. But I’ll keep an eye out for Aquaman,” Crystal stated, calling her crystal back. “Bro, why don’t you go lend Forrest Gump a hand? That Cossacker wouldn’t be exposing himself like that unless he was up to something.” Stoneman nodded as he ripped bits and pieces of tarmac off the road to bridge over Wave’s water pits. Crystalgirl conjured a crystalline whip from one of her crystals before prowling the alley Aquaman was hiding in earlier. Once the other Androids left to hunt down the rest of the Impacters, Wave turned back to the Cossacker impaled on his trident.

“So…Where were we?”


“Jesus H. Christ! What the fuck has gotten into you, Shit Pile?!” Napalmman exclaimed as Gyroman hovered in front of him. He just received word over the com where the rest of those slime-sucking Deep Throaters were at, but he wasn’t any cheerier for it.

He had just arrived to the building Gyro had that two-headed slimeball commie pinned, only to find fucking Prop Top firing his missiles and his mini-guns almost wildly. The dozen or so buildings all around him were riddled with bullet holes, impact craters and still-burning fires. A few windows were spattered with blood, but none of them were Searchman’s. Fuck, Napalmman thought that flying Twinkletoes was more methodical than this. Or at least he fucking should have been.

“Something’s wrong, Cap’n!” Gyro frantically explained. “I’ve been seeing Searchman pop up in all those buildings. Every time I shoot him, he just reappears in some other building!”

“Don’t be a goddamn moron, you son of a bitch! Searchman isn’t that tricky!” Napalmman scolded. “The freak’s just falling back to another building just as you blow one up!! Is it that hard to figure out?!” Gyroman just shook his head.

“Cap’n, he was reappearing in buildings across the street. Like fifty feet yards away. He’s not that fast. And hell, some of these buildings I blew up were still standing when I saw them again,” Gyro spouted, pointing to one of the shot-up buildings. “I blew that building up three times, now!” Now Napalmman could see why Gyro’s panties were all in a twist. Searchman was sneaky and dickless. But he wasn’t Speedy fucking Gonzales, nor could he warp, use holograms or any of that shit. Out of the fucking blue, a chunk of a building plummeted from the sky directly in front of Gyro and Napalmman.

“Searchman wasn’t in that building either,” Gravityman grumbled as he stepped out from behind the torn building.

“What the in the name of Elysium are you doing here?! I thought I told you this shitfucker was mine!” Napalmman bellowed.

“Well, Stone, Crystal, Wave and Charge have three of those Impacters cornered and another down. I’m sure they can manage without me. I want to see what the hubbub here is,” Gravity arrogantly explained. Steam shot out of Napalmman’s vents. He fucking told these piss-sucking maggots that he wanted to frag Searchman himself. Couldn’t these stupid worms follow a simple order like that?! But on the other hand, if Searchman was playing some bullshit game of hide-and-seek, the extra set of eyes might pay off.

“Fine. As long as you ladies all are here, let’s make the most of it. Gravity, take the front. Gyro, take the rear. I’ll take what’s left. And remember, unless you two want me to rip your spines out and shove them up your asses, I’m the one who fucking kills him!!”

“Whatever you say,” Braincase snidely acknowledged as Gyro took off again.

“And keep an fucking eye out for Astrochan,” Napalmman added, readying his cannons. “Goddamn, buttermilk-guzzling broad’s probably still here and mindfucking us with some illusions. It’s the only fucking explaination,” The psycho nodded as he picked a building at random and sneered as casually raised his hand. The building groaned as Gravityman used his hold to forcefully carve out a fifteen-foot, dome shaped slice of the building and lifted it as high as his power would let him.

“Hello? Anyone home?” Gravity joked as he shook the slice like a fucking salt shaker. Several meatsacks tumbled out of the little slice of the apartment, but no Searchman.

“Shucks.” Gravity mock-pouted, tossing the slice over his shoulder. As he cut another slice of the building, Gyroman had already opened fire on the structure’s south side, flames already dancing from the windows. Some more steam billowed out of Napalmman’s vents as he blasted the milk guzzlers Gravityman “evicted”. This still wasn’t adding up yet. Napalmman was betting Astrochan couldn’t even mindfuck anyone with a half of brain. Whatever the fuck it was, the pecker was still out there. And Napalmman feared it was worse than any of these brainless, dickless Deep Throaters.


Astrochan felt as though someone dropped a freight train on her, which wasn’t far from the truth. Chargeman violently smashed her two floors, and dozens of rooms worth of an office building, knocking her out like a light for who knows how long. She came to the sight of couple dozen terrified humans, huddling under desks and into corners, feverishly praying that the carnage devouring their city would soon pass. Astrochan almost wanted to join in with them. Her chest had practically caved in from where Chargeman sucker-punched her. If that wasn’t enough, her chassis was riddled with gaping holes from where Waveman stabbed her. In short, she was crumpled-up Swiss cheese. She couldn’t even stand up to a grumpy cockroach, let alone the SA.

By some cruel twist of fate, the survivors’ panicked mumbling instantly rose to a fever pitch as Astrochan heard the sound of glass breaking and blood-curdling screams.

“Come out, come out, wherever you are!” Crystalgirl’s voice cooed from behind several cubicles. “I know you’re here somewhere!” Even in her critical condition, Astrochan could easily bury the sadistic hag under a swarm of meteors. But not without hitting any of the bystanders. Swallowing back bile, Astrochan struggled vainly to get up. But her gravity-defying motors simply groaned and whirred despite her best efforts. After several, agonizing seconds of fruitless struggling, Astrochan gingerly crawled towards the fire escape several feet away, hoping Crystalgirl wasn’t as close to her as she sounded.


“Just stick to the plan…Just stick to the plan…” Aquaman kept whispering to himself as he ran through the alley towards the capture point. He hoped repeating that to himself like a mantra would help him focus on what he was supposed to do. Unfortunately, there were too many horrors he couldn’t get out of his head. Leaving Grenademan to a certain death at Waveman’s hands…And watching Chargeman brutalize Astrochan…She’d be slaughtered if so much as a handful of Joes stumbled across her. He couldn’t imagine what’d happen if an Android found her, especially since he watched in silent horror as Crystalgirl entered her building. But on the other hand, Chargeman would slaughter Swordman once he recovered from the trap.

He hated it. No matter what he decided, he was abandoning his friends to a brutal fate. Breathing heavily, Aquaman sprinted towards the Impacter that needed him the most, hoping that it was the right choice.

“Hello, Aquaman.” A voice called out from behind, forcing Aquaman to stop dead in his tracks. Feeling his blood chill, Aquaman slowly turned around, readying his weapon. His eyes went wide when he got a good look at his greeter.

“You…?” Aquaman gasped. “What are you-“

“Bite off more than you could chew with Chargeman? Don’t worry. You’ve got friends in high places,”


“Where the hell is Aquaman?” Swordman asked, increasingly worried from the other end of the minefield. Even though Chargeman had swallowed the bait, hook, line and sinker, and was in for a world of pain, it wasn’t going to be enough by itself to keep the Hell Train down. Without Aqua’s quicksand, the rampaging Hell Train would be back on his feet in no time. And at the speed Chargeman was moving, there’d be no way Aqua’d make it before him.

Sure enough, seconds later, the screaming Chargeman sprinted headlong into the minefield without a second thought. The force of the blast threw him face-first into the ground, sending him skidding several yards before grinding to a stop. Chargeman bellowed in pain, anger and surprise as he threw a furious tantrum over whatever it was that hit him.

Damnit! Guess I’ll have to go on without him…Swordman mused, disappointed. He quickly maneuvered behind the downed CO, hoping to avoid being seen and some of the molten ash fallout. Chargeman swung his fists and kicked as Swordman snuk behind him, but his attacks were wide and wild, and Swordman could fairly easily slip past them as he focused his energy. After dodging another wild, tantrum-driven punch, Swordman unleashed a devastating termination slash on his right arm, following it up several weaker, quicker slashes. A normal foe would’ve been brought to their knees. Chargeman simply had a deep gash, and several more scratches.

But it was enough to get Chargeman angry…er. The struggling CO rolled to one side and flung a massive fist at his attacker. Swordman’s torso quickly rose into the air as his legs fell to the ground like a rag doll, narrowly avoiding a devastating blow. Both of Swordman’s halves fell back several yards away in perfect sync. He frantically tried to think of a winning strategy, but he was clearly overmatched. Before he could put himself back together, someone or something with lanky, oversized arms snatched up both his halves as another figure carrying Aquaman soared almost directly overhead.

“Clownman? Tenguman?” Swordman asked surprised. “What on Earth are you two doing here?”

“Saving your ass, that’s what!” Tenguman shot back, tossing down Aquaman.

“I don’t understand…” Swordman commented. “I thought you all were hunting us down after the trouble Regulus, Zymeth, and Diveman got us into,”

“You bet we are!” Clownman flatly replied. “We knew you all would be here. Your rebel days are all over, old pal. But first…” Clown explained, motioning towards Chargeman. “…We can’t arrest you with this monster running loose, now can we?” Swordman shot Clownman a sour look as the jester ripped a fistful of power cables from nearby telephone poles. Tenguman flung a tornado hold to blow a wall of sand into Chargeman’s face. The single-minded juggernaut screamed in fury as he covered his eyes from the blistering sandstorm, but kept stumbling towards the Impacters’ general direction. When the dust settled, Swordman saw a twenty foot-wide basin from where all the sand blew out.

“Now just like we told you. None of that quicksand BS,” Tenguman encouraged. Aquaman nodded decisively and fired his water cannon at full blast, quickly filling the sandy bowl Tengu carved out. Chargeman blindly stampeded directly into the water-filled ditch, still vainly trying to get the irritating sand out of his eyes. When he was about halfway through, Clownman casually dropped the powerlines into the pool.

“Oops! Look what happened!” Clownman joked as several volts coursed through the blindsided war machine. Chargeman arched back and howled in furious pain as the crackling and sizzling of electricity filled the air. After several seconds, the Helltrain moaned in dull pain as it went limp and fell to the ground, splashing water all around.

“He’s all yours, old pal!” Clownman congratulated, yanking the cables out of the water and patting Swordman in the back. All four overjoyed Impacters cheered as they concentrated their fire on the motionless CO. They were so caught up in their success, they didn’t notice a twelve-foot, stony figure approaching behind them, his arms transforming into a rocky shield and battle axe.


“Where the hell is this slimy bastard?!” Napalmman cursed as he demolished his sixth straight fucking building. He and the good-for-nothing Shitpiles were going all up and down fucking Main street, obliterating building after goddamn building and coming up dry trying to find that one muck-sucking worm, Searchman. Gyroman was on another friggin’ street, searching for the Deep Throater and venting some fucking frustration unloading sidewinders on rows of buildings, without so much as a glance. Even Gravityman was impatiently tossing buildings aside, chunk by chunk as he came up with absolutely fucking nothing.

Napalmman getting fed up with this bullshit himself. For all he knew, that floating, pussy-ass Astrochan was in some fucking corner somewhere, conjuring up illusions of that two-headed freakjob, and laughing her ass off as he and the AA made asses of themselves.

Then he saw it. A grey, camo-schemed maggot on a roof three buildings down, trying to slip off like a fart in the wind as he scurried to the next goddamn rooftop. Just where did he think he was going? The AA fucking owned this town! He had his ass whether he was here, or in some fucking pothole with Waveman.

“Nice try, asshole!” Napalmman sneered as he fired a napalm bomb at the roof Searchman was leaping towards. He couldn’t help but chuckle as he watched the surprised Cock Sacker sail head-first into a raging, punishing inferno. Napalmman laughed cruelly as he fired off another volley of napalm bombs, each igniting the rooftops of each of the three goddamn buildings surrounding Searchman’s location. The two-headed pile of skunk shit was going to know fucking stupidity for trying to squeeze one past the Killing Grace of the SA as Napalmman fired another salvo of bombs at the roof Searchman scrambled on.


The behemoth silently raised his axe, and set himself for delivering a circular blow. In an earth-shattering shout, he stroke...

... and the attack got blocked by Tenguman's blade. The Impacter was obviously in pain from the effort, but he was pushing the axe back.
Immediately, Stoneman let out a mental impulse, and pieces of his body flew at Tenguman's exposed torso. His opponent jumped back, dodging the rocks with ease - and letting the axe fall.

As he raised his arms again, Stoneman realized something was wrong. Aquaman was alive and well, even though he personnally crushed him in the Citadel - which got blown up later on. One of these good-for-nothing Mercs -the monkey, right?- killed Swordman in the same assault. And, as far as Mysteryman could be trusted, Tengu and Clown were dead and buried in Bath - and worked with the RPD anyway. Maggots didn't know how to stay dead.

"It is time someone gives you a proper funeral."

Stoneman smashed the pavement in front of him, and "raised" its pebbles. Blocks of various sizes rushed at the Impacters, which they doged with various ease - except for Aquaman. The stone giant went closer to the walking water tank, and raised his axe once again - to deliver the Executioner's Strike.

Frustration raised in Stoneman's mind as Swordman went and blocked the attack with his own weapon. He pushed stronger when he felt a great weight leaving his body - and a strong wind in front of his face.

Tenguman had cut his axe while he was busy with the bladed saucer ! In a cry of rage, the ground around Stoneman got ripped apart as he summoned his Power Stone ability to its maximum.

When he calmed down, he looked around and saw that every of them was buried in stone. Good.

He was about to walk out when he felt a strong impact on his back. He turned back and saw ...

No! Impossible!

The four Impacters were still alive and well ! And he got hit by -of all people- Aquaman!

"How come you're still here ? I crushed you all!"

Clownman shrugged, an impressive move when your arms are basically giant elastics. "We got better." He then let out a small laugh, soon followed by Tenguman. Swordman and Aquaman seemed confused at this outburst of humor, but let out a weak laugh as well.

Stoneman was enraged by his opponents' arrogance. He shifted his right arm into a gladiator sword, and prepared himself for the next attack.


"Will you come out already, or do we have to play hide-and-seek?"

Crystalgirl's mind temporarily distracted itself from her mission as she spotted the humans hiding. A mental impulse confirmed her impression - some of these human worms were wearing jewels.

"You know the saying, "sticks and stones may break my bones"? I have no sticks, but unfortunately, you have some stones..."

She concentrated, and soon the air was filled with the screams of women and men getting lacerated by their own jewels. It began with small scratches on the face - and when Crystalgirl got bored, they aimed for the jugulars and throats.

She happily hummed as the blood-stained precious stones flew toward her, and agglomerated with her Crystal Shield.

"Now, where were we ... Ah, yes. Finding the Commie rat..."

She ran to the only exit -apart from the one she went from-, and spotted her prey. She had a mission, but nothing was told about delays, right?

"I'll play with you a bit, sweetie..." she muttered. One of her crystals fragmented itself into three deadly shards - enough to paralyze her victim's limbs. She "threw" them, and the unbelievable happened.

As they got closer to AstroChan's body, the shards ... evaporated. They didn't got smashed - otherwise, she would still have a link with the crystal dust.
The faint sound of a laughter could nearly be heard as they got destroyed, but Crystalgirl put it on the account of surprise.

"No one told me about force-fields of any sort." she muttered to herself. She splitted a second shield in more shards, and all of them flew at AstroChan, like a deadly rain - and disappeared all the same. And the laughter was back.

Crystalgirl let out a hiss of frustration, but in anger, she got too loud. A surprised AstroChan turned back, and only at that time realized she was under attack. She immediately focused on the Officer's area, and summoned an Astro Crush.

Focusing on protecting herself from the deadly attack with her Shields, Crystalgirl didn't see her opponent disappearing through the fire exit. After the end of the attack -which lasted way longer than the usual Astro Crush, it seemed-, she finally rushed in, but wasn't able to see what way AstroChan went.

In a cry of frustration, she sent her Shields following the two ways to exit. Once she was spotted, she would take a great delight in tearing AstroChan piece to piece.

The hunt wasn't over yet!


Searchman was calculating his chances - and they were very low. His immediate ways of exit were currently covered with napalm fire - someting his body, designed for jungle-based fights, did not handle well. Going down the building would do no good - the Androids had enough material to destroy it in a blink.

He had to choose the final solution.

He ran the opposite way from Napalmman's estimated location, and once he reached the border of the roof, he jumped - just in time, as a Napalm Bomb was already landing on the location he previously occupied.

He felt the heat on his back as he fell, and saw one of the things that could have worsened his day.

A batallion of Joes was standing near, and already aiming at him. He fired back with his Homing Snipers, and hit a few of them, but they were too many. He landed, after a few hits nearly got him. He blacked out for a split second because of the impact, and when he opened his eyes, he saw...

"Express extreme surprise."

The group of Joes had been turned to an acceptable imitation of a junkyard as he had his eyes closed. The possibility they were an illusion to start with got dismissed - the buster shots he avoided were real, no doubt about it.

Though surprised, Searchman focused back on his mission - getting back to their original position, as silently as possible. After all, if he was helped, he had to survive in order to thank his benefactor, right?

As he ran away, something looked around, and giggled.


This all seemed too easy. Stoneman was no match for the combined forces or the four Impacters, and they tore away at his armor as the behemoth desperately grabbed debris to replace it.

Then, there was a flash of light and the Impacters yelped in surprise. They recognized it as Grenademan's Flash Bomb! But why-

Sword and Aqua turned around and gasped in shock. Before them was Waveman with a tendril drilled into Grenademan's back. Maha's limbs were jerking uncontrollably as Wave manipulated them, and suddenly the area around the Impacters were riddled with bombs, and as they spent their time dodging them Stoneman recovered and started hurling chunks of debris to add to the volley. Waveman cackled sadistically. "How wonderful it is to have a Robot Master as a puppet! I ought to get myself a whole collection of them. Now, watch as you die by the hands of your own friend!"

"You bastard!" Swordman screamed.

Grenademan convulsed, then choked as he gasped for air. "Please... Just kill me..." he mumbled.

"We can't! We can't do that!" Neolan cried.

"Heyyyy!" Clownman called, who was fending off Stoneman. "A little help here?"

"I'll take you first!" Waveman exclaimed, and he charged towards Swordman. Tenguman leaped in front. "Not so fast!" he ordered, but Waveman didn't stop. Tossing Grenademan aside like a rag doll, he suddenly wrapped numerous tendrils around Tengu, pulling the Impacter in a pressurized embrace. However, when he released his hold, Tengu's body suddenly crumpled and artificial blood poured out in all directions.

"Oh no! Tenguman!" Clownman cried hysterically. "Whatever will we do?" Waveman targeted him next, and Clown didn't even move an inch as the aquatic terror charged and dove through his throat, filling up the robot's body with his own until Clownman simply burst and Wave ripped his way out from inside. The watery demon laughed maniacally. Aquaman was kneeling beside the fallen Grenade while Swordman was occupied with Stoneman. Wave began to advance towards Aqua when someone tapped his shoulder plate from behind. He turned around and gaped in awe at Tenguman and Clownman, who appeared completely fine despite the fact that he had completely dismantled their bodies.

"That wasn't a very nice thing to do, bud," Clownman said with a grin.

"Yeah, we're gonna have to teach you a lesson now!" Tengu exclaimed, cracking his knuckles.

"Impossible!" Waveman shrieked. "You're not Tengu and Clown! What the hell is going on?! Who are you?!" And then it dawned on him. "No... How could you-"

And all of a sudden, a feral, agonized scream cut through the city.


The hellish screech permeated every corner of the city, from the alleys in the heart of the city, to the fire escape in an ordinary office building, to the sandy outskirts. As the howl died off, a rapid barrage of purplish-white orbs flew out of an alley near Searchman, and slammed into Napalmman’s thick armor. A blood-red scythe spun through the air towards Crystalgirl, slicing one of her crystals in twain. And two supposedly-shut down RPD officers started grinning wider than they had any right too, pulling blood-red scythes out of nowhere.

“Heheheh…You all still haven’t figured it out?” Clownman and Tenguman chuckled in perfect unison. “This is just rich!”

“Figured what out?” Swordman asked the two officers, readying his sword. Aquaman meanwhile, took a few hesitant steps towards Grenade’s mangled body, hoping to rescue his fallen friend, hoping to rescue him while the two vicious Androids while their attention was drawn elsewhere.


“Just what are you babbling about?” Crystalgirl asked in another part of the city, just outside the office building. Feeling uneasy, Crystalgirl took a few steps back and reformed one of her crystals into a whip-dagger, gripping it tensely.


“Who the fuck are you, the fairy-fucking godmother?!” Napalmman bellowed impatiently, readying his weapons in the middle of the streets of downtown Kuwait City.


“It’s time to end this obvious charade…” Clownman and Tenguman cryptically replied. Both of the RPDers giggled and grinned madly as their forms melted away, revealing all-too-familiar one-eyed puzzle-like robots.

“Mesmerman?!” Stoneman exclaimed, approaching his “ally”, wielding his axe tighter.


“Well, not the one and only,” the Mesmermen shrugged, dropping in front of Crystalgirl. “I’ve been here waiting for you well before you arrived.”


“What’s going on here?” Swordman asked uneasily, taking a few steps back with Aquaman.

“You mean to tell me you don’t know a doublecross when you see it? You guys are slow!” the Mesmermen taunted.


“I can fucking see that!” Napalmman growled. That mindfucker’s always been Number One on Napalmman’s shitlist. Ever since he signed on, he’s been looking for a reason to frag him and dance and sing around his burning corpse like a goddamn Commanche. And now he had it. Steam poured out of Napalmman’s vent as he blasted the shiteating backstabber with a flurry of napalm bombs. As the puzzlebot burned in the searing inferno, another chuckling Mesmerman leapt out from a nearby window.


“”Not so rough, honey! The children will think we’re fighting!” Mesmerman teased, slashing Crystalgirl’s whip to ribbons. Crystalgirl hissed in frustration and reformed the bits and pieces of her whip into another shield.


“C’mon. You guys saw this coming, didn’t you?” the Mesmermen cooed the two surprised COs. Waveman and Stoneman couldn’t lie, everyone on the AA saw this day coming. The way he came and went as he pleased. And that he was a mind-reader and controller that Cutman had didn’t have enough control over.

But they didn’t think he’d show his true colors now. It seemed too random, too sudden.

“Why now?!” Stoneman demanded.


“You all have been quite the go-getters, besting Cossack all by yourselves.” Mesmerman congratulated, slinking towards Napalmman, unfazed by his counterpart’s fiery death.

“And you’ve laid waste to half the globe to boot! That’s no small feat! I’d say you guys are doing so well, that you don’t need my help anymore!

In fact, I’d go so far as to say, you shouldn’t have my help any more,” Mesmerman explained, his tone turning serious.

“You ain’t backing out this easy, you little shitstain!” Napalmman scowled, angrily bombarding the Mesmerman with another salvo of napalm bombs.


“Oh? You know full well that I get my nourishment from the suffering. Something humans are and always be ripe with. If they all die, where am I supposed to keep myself fed? Hit the nearest vending machine?” Mesmerman explained patronizingly as Crystalgirl took a few steps back and realigning her crystals. She wanted keep herself as far away from his mind-dominating tendrils as possible.

“Then why the hell did you even join us?!” Crystalgirl screamed impatiently. “You knew what we were about from Day One!”


“Look me in the eye and tell me this isn’t fun!” the Mesmermen replied innocently.

“Or delicious!” Waveman chimed in. Stoneman shot this unbalanced comrade a sour look.

“You took the words out of my mouth!” the Mesmermen chuckled. “With all the sorrow, misery and despair this war you’ve all caused, it’s like an all-you-can-eat buffet! I give this establishment four stars!

But I’ve had my fill. I can't let my crop go to waste, now can I? But don't worry! It's been fun!!


As soon as Mesmerman finished his smarmy rambling, plethora of two-faced Mesmermen dropped from a nearby rooftop in front of Napalmman. That tittering bastard was stalling him so that he could get his forces in position! Napalmman cursed himself for being this sloppy, and for not seeing this coming miles away. Growling with rage, Napalmman obliterated them as soon as the sons of bitches appeared. But for all the good it did, another bazillion pukestains poured out from a nearby parking lot.

“Goddamnit!!” Napalmman cursed as he opened fire on the Mesmer brigade. Just as the first dozen backstabbing Mesmermen went up in flames, some scumbag plopped right onto Napalmman’s back. He could feel the world grow fainter and darker as something borrowed into his back, slithering towards his brain. Suddenly, the world instantly came back in full fucking force with a vengeance as the chatter of machine gun fire filled the air.

“Where the hell have you been, you lazy sack of shit, Gyro?!” Napalmman barked.

“Yeah, glad to help.” Gyro thanked sharply as he fired a salvo of sidewinders at a pack of Mesmermen holed up on the roof behind Napalmman. As Napalmman resumed bombarding the shit-faced, grinning maggots, Gravityman stepped into view, holding several Mesmermen up in the air, ripping them apart, limb from limb.

“She loves me…She loves me not…She loves me…” Gravityman babbled happily as he scooped up another half dozen Mesmermen. Napalmman chuckled as he watched his Androids tear the army of two-timing mindfuckers to shreds. Napalmman didn’t know what Mesmerman was thinking, trying to make fucking patsies out of his Androids, his Scissor Army. But the smirking little asswipe was going to pay for his arrogance in blood.


Astrochan sort of believed that someone was out watching for her. But never in her wildest dreams did she think it’d be Mesmerman. She didn’t have a clue how or why the sadistic puzzle monster sprung to their aid. But as long as he was busy sinking his psychotic teeth into the Scissor Army, she didn’t care.

The gravely wounded Impacter sighed as she slumped against an alley wall. With Chargeman permanently out of commission, and Mesmerman fighting for them, all she had to do now was watch the tide turn before her very eyes and wait for the team’s cue to leave. She earned her break.

Just as she was settling in, four crystals shot out from behind a corner and stapled the helpless Impacter to the wall. As Astrochan struggled vainfully to free herself, Crystalgirl strolled from behind the corner, smiling cruelly and waving a finger. She carried a severed Mesmerman head in her other arm. There was a scorched hole the size of a golfball through its forehead, like it head been shot by a laser.

“Looks like this city’s going to hell, eh?” Crystalgirl sneered, twisting the crystals in deeper. Crystalgirl smirked at the dying Impacter and tossed casually the severed head at her feet as one of her crystals reformed itself into a guillotine-like blade. Astrochan couldn’t help but scream in unbearable agony as the blade gracefully sliced through her midsection, cleanly lopping off her lower orb.

“Why don’t you go with it?” And Astrochan’s world vanished as she was ripped to pieces by jagged, razor-sharp crystals.


As Mesmerman kept Stoneman and Waveman distracted, Swordman and Aquaman carried Grenademan over their shoulders through the city’s dingy, narrow alleys. They didn’t know if Mesmerman was telling the truth about his turned coat, but it didn’t make any difference. They were out of their league. Now that Chargeman was out of the picture, the only thing that mattered now was regrouping with Searchman and getting the hell out of this doomed city before they lost any more of their teammates.

As the trio approached the alley’s exit, a cackling geyser erupted out of the ground, sending the Impacters reeling.

“Hey, now. I haven’t forgotten about you!” Waveman laughed, as several of his tendrils slithered towards Aquaman and Grenademan and transformed into monstrous lion heads, their gaping mouths wide open.

“What about Mesmerman?!” Swordman demanded, picking himself up.

“Oh don’t worry about him! Worry about this!!” Waveman responded. With a mad cackle, the jaws snapped down on the two Impacters. Aquaman screamed in unfathomable agony as his arms were bitten off at the elbows. Grenademan covered his eyes as he braced himself for a messy end. Instead, he felt something blunt and heavy slam into his chest, knocking him into a nearby dumpster. As Grenademan opened his eyes, he could see Swordman’s swordarm dangling out of Waveman’s mouth.

“Swordman!!” Grenademan called out as Waveman’s mouth closed with sickening crunch.

“His torso spun into you and knocked you out of the way with the blunt side of his sword,” Aquman explained after he dove behind the dumpster Grenademan was hiding behind.

“Noble guy to the end,” Grenademan sighed heavily as fired another flash bomb at Waveman’s face, blinding him.

“It’s now or never!” Grenademan barked. Aquaman nodded as he knelt down and let Grenademan weakly put his arm around his comrade’s neck. The two battered, exhausted Impacters then quietly limped off into a nearby alley, away from rampant carnage behind them.


Stoneman was desperately fending off the waves of Mesmermen approaching from the north and south as Waveman resurfaced from his watery playground.

“What did I miss?” Waveman asked. Stoneman didn’t pay his unbalanced teammate any mind. He was busy ripping the walls off buildings and flinging the rubble at Mesmermen approaching from the north. Waveman quickly joined in slithered into the pool Chargeman was wrapped his tendrils around his crippled, inert form. With a mighty heave, Waveman flung his corpse down the street, bowling over and blocking Mesmermen approaching from the south.

“Guess he’s good for something!” Waveman cackled. As Chargeman hit the ground, his hand twitched slightly, and his eyes squinted open. Chargeman growled softly as he started spewing ash and sluggishly raised his fist, straining as though he was trying to get up. Without even looking behind him, a Mesmerman flung his scythe behind him, its blade burying itself between the behemoth’s eyes. As the scythe pulled itself out of Chargeman’s head, bits and pieces from a second Mesmerman’s arms detached themselves and repeatedly bombarded Chargeman’s torso with lightning speed, riddling it with holes.

“We’ll have none of that now!” the Mesmerman giggled as Chargeman slumped lifelessly back on to the ground, steam pouring out of his gaping mouth. Stoneman shot his comrade a worried look as they regarded their fallen engine of destruction. Howling with fury, Waveman skewered the two Mesmermen upon two watery tridents. But as soon as their bodies went limp, another Mesmerman appeared on top of a nearby rooftop.

“Hahahaha!! Well, you guys certainly know to have a good time!” Mesmerman laughed defiantly. “But seriously….” As if on cue, rows of buildings all around Stoneman and Waveman exploded in a bright flash. When the dust and rubble settled, the two horrified Androids could make out fifteen, statuesque, imposing figures marching towards them, their enormous cannons bared.

“Siege Joes…” Stoneman whispered in awe and despair.

“…Let’s get this fight started!” Mesmerman announced gleefully.


“Siege Joes? You’ve got to be shitting me!!” Napalmman screamed disbelievingly over the com. Just what they fucking needed. As if Mesmerman’s army of one wasn’t enough fun. “So what the hell is the good news?!”

“Astrochan and Swordman bought it. But so did Chargeman,” Stoneman replied over the com. Napalmman felt bile rising from the pit of his stomach. He knew he should be overjoyed that biggest clusterfuck on the team was gone for good. Never again, would that dumb fuck jeopardize the mission or the safety of his shit piles simply because he didn’t know his head from his ass. But the truth was, his perfect war machine had suffered its first real loss. His Androids weren’t allowed to die!! They weren’t allowed to be captured or to fail!! They were the killing grace of God himself! Of Cutman himself!! Even if some of them were insane, stupid, or insanely stupid. And now Chargeman got himself fragged like some amateur, motherfucking Merc. It didn't fucking matter the Impacters were up Shit Creek without a paddle. They were untouchable as long as Mesmerman stood in their way.

In spite of his grief, Napalmman kept his suppressing fire on the incoming Mesmermen. But in was in vain. For every one Mesmerfuck they took down, fifty more took his place. Sure, his Androids had the firepower to wipe Mesmerman off the face of Elysium. But Mesmerman still had them by the balls with his numbers and his Siege Joes. It was enough to bring down Chargeman. Worse yet, all Mesmer had to was mindfuck just one of his Androids into being his manslave, and it’d be all over.

Oh fuck, what if Mesmerman had already reprogrammed the General? The thought of Mesmerman leading the hapless General around on his leash like a fucking dog made Napalmman sick to his stomach. And Elysium knows Mesmerman had all the right ass-kissers he needed to make that nightmare a fucking reality. Snow White, Magneto, the Popsicle (well, one of them)…

There was no two ways about it, the General was in a world of steaming shit. And every moment the AA spent dicking around with these Mesmer-knockoffs gave Tinkerbell the chance he needed to ratfuck his beloved SA once and for all.

“This is Captain Napalmman…” the CO began heavily over the com. “…Pull back. There’s nothing more we can do here,”

“Oh don’t be a spoilsport, we can take them,” Gravityman mocked, crumpling a Mesmerman and flinging him at another.

“Don’t be a fucking retard, Gravity! The General’s in danger!” Napalmman angrily explained. “We did our job. We’re not needed here anymore. We need fall back now while there’s an SA to fall back to!” Gravity’s smug shit-eating smile faded as he heard that the General’s life was at stake. For once, Napalmman felt for the crazy fuckwad.

“What about Chargeman the Impacters?” Crystalgirl reminded over the com, sounding anxious herself.

“Goddamnit, there’s no time for this shit! We’ve got to go, and we’ve got to go now! Move out!!” Napalmman ordered. Without another word, the anti-teleportation grid blanketing the city was instantly lifted, and one by one, the AA retreated. Their mission was accomplished, and Cossack was down another two shitheads. But the jubilation driving the AA was gone. For the first time in their lives, the AA truly felt the cold, hard, paralyzing grip of fear.


Aquaman along with Grenademan and Searchman watched as the Androids ran off with their tails in between their legs. He should be grateful that their mission was successful and that they were alive to fight another day. But the mood was still heavy from having watched Swordman and Astrochan meet their grusome demise. And even though they wouldn’t have survived without him, Aquaman couldn’t help but feel suspicious towards Mesmerman. Just what were his real intentions? There’s no way he was telling the truth…Was there?

“Glad to help out!” Mesmerman beamed as he dropped in front of the three Impacters, smiling from ear-to-ear. He held up one of his hands as if he was waiting for them to give him high five. They simply shot their benefactor dirty, pointed looks. Despite his intervention, they still lost two of their closest friends. “Aw, feeling down that you lost some of your pals?”

“Don’t talk to us. They were our friends, you monster,” Aquaman bitterly pointed out. Mesmerman gave the water-filter a puppy-dog eye.

“Aw, that wasn’t very nice. I hate senseless deaths as much as you do!” Mesmerman whimpered.

“Yeah, senseless to you,” Searchman dryly noted. “What are you really up to?” Searchman bluntly asked, raising his rifle. Mesmerman simply shot him a scornful look.

“Oh, put that away. You could put an eye out,” Mesmerman scolded. “Be sensible. I could’ve easily gut you all like fishes, drive your minds into the deepest level of the abyss, and still be home in time to catch MXC. If I wanted your hides, I would’ve gotten them by now, wouldn’t you say? ” No one had anything to say to that. They all wanted to think Mesmerman had something up his sleeve. But Mesmerman was right. He had plenty of opportunities to kill them or worse, none of which he took.

“Think what you want to, but I came out of my way just to save your hides, exclusively. And you all owe for that. Big time.” A wave of dread washed over the Impacters. Just what did Mesmerman want out of them? And when was he going to call their IOU? Suddenly, Aquaman almost wished Stoneman and Waveman finished the job.

“See you around,” Mesmerman said cheerfully as he teleported out of the city. After he left, the towering Siege Joe illusions faded back into the nothingness they came from. For several seconds, the Impacters remained silent as they turned over Mesmer’s parting words.

“I better go pick up Astrochan and Swordman,” Searchman mumbled, breaking the uneasy silence. Aquaman and Grenademan nodded, eager to get their minds off of Mesmerman. As Searchman gathered their friends’ remains, the Impacters tried to occupy themselves with where and how they could get the money to revive their fallen comrades. But in the back of their heads, the reason why they were still alive was eating at their sanity.

They had made a deal with the Devil himself.




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