Series 7 Issue #5 - Hammar Assault

The Mechanical Maniacs are busying themselves with moving into the newly repaired (and hidden deep underground) Technodrome. Slowly, most of their belongings were covertly moved to their still-under-construction base. The day has been spent with the Maniacs unpacking their various possessions...

Magnetman: You have surprisingly little.

Hardman: So d'you.

Magnetman: I have spent the last few years travelling and getting to know ... myself.

Hardman: I jus' lost all my stuff a while back.

Spark Chan: I heard all those repressed memories of the war came crashing down on you, Mags. Are you okay, hun?

Magnetman: ... It's so strange. It's like ... watching television. Like it wasn't really me that entire time. Even the time I spent as Magnetman seems unreal. But, it was also the most exciting time of my life. Even if I was being controlled by that monster most of the time...

(Classi squeezes Magnetman's shoulder.)

Spark Chan: We're all glad to have you back here.

Needlegal: It's good to have everyone back together! It's almost like these past 15 years haven't happened at all.

Topman: Yeah ... almost ...

(The group eyes Geminiman and Shadowman, who are overseeing the construction bots in the distance.)

Shadowman: And I'm telling you that the original Technodrome could detach that eye and use it as a giant bowling ball to crush enemies stupid enough to be in its path.

Brain Bot: That would be a gross violation of regulations. Not to mention impractical. I simply cannot allow -

Shadowman: Damn it, I don't care about regulations! I want it the way it was! Launching eyeball and all! If someone tries to steal it again I want the ability to crush them!

Hardman: Uh, boss?

Shadowman: Not now, Hardman. I'm having a very important discussion with Brainiac over here.

Brain Bot: That's Brain Bot and I -

Shadowman: Whatever.

(Needlegal grabs Shadowman's arm.)

Needlegal: Seriously, bro. We don't really need the launching eyeball!

Shadowman: Don't need it? What does 'need' have to do with anything?

???: (Blaring over all the speakers in the underground base) MECHANICAL MANIACS! REPORT TO THE BRIEFING ROOM! IMMEDIATELY!


Topman: It couldn't be.

Hardman: Naw. Naw, we got away. It wuz a clean break.

Magnetman: That voice brings back memories ... terrible memories ...


(With great hesitation the Mechanical Maniacs leave Brain Bot.)

Brain Bot: Oh thank goodness.

Shadowman: We better have that new eyeball.

(The Maniacs tentatively head into the briefing room to be met by ...)

Needlegal: Crorq!


(Crorq seems to grin as he stuffs a taco into his mouth, dripping its contents all over the floor.)

Geminiman: NO! We got away from you! You can't be here! And I refuse to believe you are here!

Torchman: You can't ignore me, Mech, I see through your clever ruse. And your stolen jokes fail to amuse.

(Crorq stuffs another taco into his mouth and noisily consumes it as he laughs at the horrified looks of the Mechs.)

Shadowman: You! You still haven't died yet!? Didn't anyone think to kill him while we were gone!?

Geminiman: Aw, no, no, NO! No, not Torchman!

Torchman: I can smell your fear, Mechs.

Spark Chan: It's not fear it's absolute revulsion!

Crorq: Shut up ALL OF YOU!

Magnetman: I wish I didn't remember any of you people!

Needlegal: You know, you don't get to tell us what to do. We're not your lackeys anymore.

Spark Chan: Hey, that's right! You know, you're awfully rude and there are a few things I'd like to say ...

Shadowman: Me too. Don't think I've grown less angry! I don't grow less angry.

Gaderham: Actually, I hate to tell you all this, but ... Crorq's still your boss.


Gaderham: Oh, I am. But you have two bosses. Blame middle management. You guys are considered to be .... risks. Loose cannons. The powers upstairs thought you needed additional oversight.

Topman: We're not loose cannons!

Gaderham: You lot did ressurrect Mesmerman, kill Dr. Wily, and Dr. Cossack. And two of you were part of the Scissor Army.

Magnetman: That's not fair, I barely remember that!

Crorq: Not helping your case with that statement.

Hardman: Topman killed Dr. Cossack.

Topman: It's not like I meant to!

Hardman: Why do th' rest of us hafta suffer?

Shadowman: And we didn't kill Wily at all! We had nothing to do with it.

Crorq: Even though you were secretly in contact with General Cutman.

Needlegal: Oh, so all those things make us the bad guys!? And you're our boss?

Gaderham: Your other boss.

Crorq: And Torchman too.

Torchman: Indeed.

Snakeman: And Torchman too!?

Crorq: Torchman and his Sinister Six have been invaluable assets to the RPD while you all have been away. They are the senior officers and they will be leading this mission.

The Maniacs: WHAT!?

Torchman: The world finally recognises the superiority of the one, TRUE -

Spark Chan: You can't be serious!

Magnetman: Why did I rejoin this team again?

Crorq: Settle down or you will all be SHUT DOWN!


Geminiman: I don't remember the Shutdown Code being installed in us. Wasn't that banned?

Crorq: I can still fire you. Where will you be then?

(The team look to Gaderham in a panic.)

Gaderham: Unfortunately true.

(The Mechanical Maniacs sit through the briefing and listen, in disbelief, at the tales told to them of a new team of robots that have been rampaging throughout the world. Soon they are transported, with the Sinister Six PC in the lead, to meet the threat at their base. The teams crouch under nearby rocks and take note of the odd structure standing before them.)

Hardman: This has gotta be th' stupidest thing I've ever seen.

Geminiman: (Reads off things from the wall of the ziggurat.)

" y-y-yYOU DID IT! ='D *congratulatory hug* n_n I know the internet can be confusing somethings but you'll get the hang! =) "

"*hugs back*

Thank you! I couldn't have done it without you guys! "

"I know rite? He lets keep quoting eachother so we can see how big we can build the pyramid I allowed to suggest the Quote Pyramid as the team base? =D "


Topman: It just goes on forever...

Sharkman: (The situation suddenly snaps into focus) What's that on their wall? Dood! What is it!?

Blademan: I can't see the top! kinda looks like -

Sharkman: WHAT IS IT!? TELL ME!

Blademan: It's a -

Sharkman: TELL ME!!!!!!

Torchman: Quiet! Or they will hear us.

Needlegal: Monsteropolis' finest, everybody.

Waveman: Can we just get this over with?

Oilman: Yes, I tire of this company already.

Shadowman: Yeah, I think we're all with you there. Okay, this is how things'll go down. We'll divide into four groups to take on all entrances to the, evidently literally named, "Quote Pyramid". We have more people than they do, so you should be able to overwhelm them. But if not, Snakeman and I will enter through separate windows on either side of the structure and make our way into whatever passes for central command of this ... thing ... in order to cripple them further. From there we can also disable any escape attempt. Meanwhile -

Torchman: A cowardly plan if ever I heard one! Cowardly and doomed to failure!

Bitman: Damn chickens.

Sharkman: I feel like chicken tonight, like chicken tonight ...

Torchman: I am in charge of this mission ... or is your memory malfunctioning? We will not be doing your cowardly plan!

Bitman: Sneaking about ... sounds like you're just as chicken as the last time we tangled.

Snakeman: You know, Shadow and I are stealthy bots. Stealthy! Why not take advantage of that?

Oilman: Stealthy like -

Snakeman: If you say "chickens", so help me -!

Torchman: The decision is mine and the decision is this: We will boldly attack the main entrance! All of us! (Torchman eyes Shadow and Snake with mistrust.)

Magnetman: That's the worst strategy I have ever heard. Weren't you formidable adversaries in the past?

Oilman: Nobody asked you, Mech! Follow orders or be fired.

Magnetman: Grrrrr....

Torchman: Sinister Six (and subordinates) ... move out!

(Torchman and the Sinister Six immediately charge the front entrance of the building brandishing their weapons. The Maniacs only shake their heads in disgust and follow a short distance behind. The door busts open as Torchman shatters it with his Torch Arm. All feel a slight throbbing in their heads as they enter the building.)



Topman: They're kinda ... taking a while, aren't they?


Meenwhile tghe Aggraveted Asssalt wuz weatchin TV.

Solarman: Hey i hate the news! Change the Channel!!!!!

Pumpman: No!

Roomoo gets angry and stabs pumnpman with his knife!

Pumpman: Oh noez! I've been stabbed again!

Solarman: That's becuz you didnt change the channel! ROooOOOO!

Blademan: I like it when you stab people but I should really stab people since im Blademan@!

Blademan stabs Pumpman and pumpman bleedz on the floor.

Commandoman: Look out Aggravated Assalt! It looks like we have tresspassers!!!

Nitroman: Is it more dragons! If it is I will destroy them all!

Commandoman: No, it's not more dragonz,. I think they are all dead.

Sheep Babe: Is it my preacious Edward Trunks here to take me away! Oh I knew he'd be here! I better get ready ...

Commandoman: No itz not your Vampire Trunks.

Sheep Babe: Sheepbabe bursts into tears* I was hoping to see him again! Its been so long! I love him so mcuh for turning me into a sheep! Why doesn't he come here more often!

Solarman: becuz he hates u!

Sheepbabe cries and tries to run off but commando man stops here

Commandoman: There will be time 4 tears later! It looks liek we have intruders!

Pumpman: Are they part of the Spambot army!/

Strikeman:Probly not, pump.

Pumpman: i dunno i think they might b

Strikeman: u think everyones a spambot.

Pumpman: prove UR nut a spambot!!!!!!!!

Strikeman:i M not a spambot i am STRIKEMAN!!!!

Pumpman: Yeah that's true.

Blademan: Who is it!?

Commandoman: it's my old team the mechanical maniacs! And ur old team the Beta Unkown!

Blademan: !!!!!!! D:< I cant believe they wuld show theur faces here again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Commandoman: The emchancial maniacs r my old friends so I think we shuld give them a chance to explaint hemselves!!!!!

Blademan: D:<

Sheep Babe: But I thought we were all friends after we beat all the other Megaman Teams!

Blademan: That was in the past! Their tresspassing into our base is unforgivable after the crap they put me thru!!!! I wannna kill them all all over again!!!!!

Pumpman: It looks like Blademan is insane again.

Solarman: Who said you could get better!?

Solarman stabs Pumpman and Pumpman bleeds more on the floor.

Commandoman: Kep ur rage in check b4 we see what they R up 2. We need to C if theyre fruiend or foe!

Blademan: i make no promises

So the Agravated Asault goes to meet the intruders.

Geminiman: FINALLY!

Blademan: I TOLD you guys that shouting would work!

Oilman: Hrmph.

Blademan: Itz my traitorus old teem! The Beta Unkown!!!!! Why have you defaced our precius Quote Pyramid!?

Snakeman: "Old team?" Do you know these jokers?

Torchman: I have never laid eyes on these people before ...

The ASSAULT: !?!!?!?!?!

Blademan: U LIE!!!!!

Torchman: NO! You lie! For -

Blademan: NO U LIE!!!!

Torchman: Your words are the -

Blademan: U LIE!!!!!!!! I wuz the blademan of Beta Unkown until uz guyz abanoned me for General Cutman to mutulate!!!!!! I thought we were cool but -

Waveman: Actually, we're not Beta Un...kown. Did you mean "Unknown"? We're not them either.

Pumpman: Rite. It's "Gila Gladiators.

Bitman: No, uh, still wrong.

Solarman: The Dark hunters?

Oilman: Still not us.


Solarman: maybe they're the Demonic 9??

Oilman: Only sometimes.


Blademan: Then U R my old team the Sinister ^!!!!!!

Torchman: Whu - come again?

Blademan: The SINISTER SIX!!!!!

Torchman: Right!!! FOR WE ARE THE SINISTER SIX!!!!


Blademan attacks the Sinister 6 and hacks waveman 2 peces!

Sharkman: Dood!!! hah hahahahAHAHahahaahh!! I love these guys! They're a trip!

Shadowman: Maybe we should just let them handle this ...

Commandoman: hOW could U guyzx deface R base!? We were friends!!!!

Topman: ...who are you?

Commandoman: O_O!!!!!!!! I M Rich!!!! UR old Magnetman!!!!!!!!!

Magnetman: I thought the previous Magnetman was someone named "Novaman."

Needlegal: Yeah, we met him in an evil alternate reality. Good times, good times.

Commandoman: NO!!!!!!! MY fiends forgot about me!!!

Sheep Babe: I am sorry, Commando.

Strikeman: We R your new friends comando and we will never forget u

Nitroman: UR our feerless leederand we will honor UR membry foreva!

Commandoman: No girly stuff guyz! Obviusly we R not friend anymore so i will kill them with everything i have!!!!

Hardman: Listn'n t' d'ese guys gives me a h'dache.

Topman: You're not much better, big guy. But let's bring the pain!

Blademan: HAMMMAAAAARRRR TIIIIIMMMMMEEEE!!!!!!! Ya IM still doin that!!!!!! I dont care if sucky loser Prowl came up witthwe name, it's still HEVENS HAMMARZ 2 M3!!!!!!!!!

Strikeman nocks topman out weith his Strike attack!

Strikeman: YER OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Strikeman uses his ni ja moves to block shadowmans ninjitsu! Shadowman is older so strikeman is fater with his amazing kicks!

Shadowman: What ... the HELL!?

Strikeman: I kno i look different but i am the ninja master assassin rushin REGULUS!!!!!!

Shadowman: I ... no I don't remember you.

Strikeman: !!!!!!!!! rememebr this STRIKE ATTACK!!!!!!

Shadoiwman is knocked out by the strike attack and it also nocks out waveman.

Pumpman: All of U guyz suck!!! PUMP ATTACK!!!!!

Pumpman's pump attacks causes Saprk Chan to electrocute Sharkman becuz she is electricity and electricity goes thry water and so she is down bu tthe n serch snakes go on pumpman!

Pumpman: SNAKES!!!! I HATE SNAKES!!!!!!

Snakeman: Sucks to be you, I guess.

But then nitroman cuits off snakemans tail and beats snakeman to deth wit it and snakeman is on the floor beten up.

Nitroman: UR A traitior to all yu fellow snakes!!!!! That is 4 my friends!


Solarman stabs Nitroman b3cuz he upstageds him.

Commandoman: Solarman is outta con trol! ROBOENZA IZ IN HIS NIFE!!!!!!!

Roboenza Virus: Oh dear! *giggle* It looks like I've been found out! What a disaster! But i'm kidding! Okay? Time to fight each other and die!

Needlegal: What the FUCK is going on here!?

Torchman: Oh, you addlebrained Mech. Clearly the Roboenza Virus resided wthin the Pharaohman rip-off's blade causing him to go mutinously insane.

Roboenza Virus: Wow. That's actually pretty good. It took these guys years to figure that out on their own. Hah hah, but I'm kidding! lol. But seriously you're pretty smart. Are you the leader?

Torchman: YES!

Needlegal: Freakin' no!

Magnetman: Absolutely not!

Oilman: Actually, he really is.


Blademan cuts torchman off literally by cutting off his head!!!

Blademan: that'll teach U 2 leave a friedn behind!!!!! AS the last of General Cutman's Scissor Army I will desgtroy ALL OF YOU!!!!!!

Blademan: You're NUTS, kiddo! But if you think you're the sharpest knife in town, prepare to be skewered, sword-fer-brains!

Blademan: excellent! a final battle!!!!! Let this be the last time we fight!!!

Blademan: I hear that!

Blademan: U R A FOOL!!!!!! One of my bladez is a zampakto and the other is a Sith Lightsaper! And the other .... IS ADAMANTEUL LIKE WOLVERINE!!!!! It was in a meteor from space and thats how general cutman got it!!!! ive kept it a closely gurded secret until now!!!!!!!!!! Until it could do a surprise attack!!!

Blademan: Good job telling me about the "surprise"!

Sharkman: (Giggling) Oh man, I love these guys! I love 'em!


Roboenza Virus: Oh, wow, it's like a Mirror Match! But I'm kidding! Actually, I'm not. They look the same.

Solarman: U USED ME 2 HURT MY FRENDS!!! Ill KILL U!!

Soarman uses his solar attack to attack robenza visua but she just lafs it off! Menwhile blademan fights blademan and amazingly blademan wins!!!!!

Blademan: I gess U R the surprior model.

Blademan: Well, the smarter one anyway! Gotta admit I like the three swords thing!

Blademan: Ya itz so cool!!!!!!!!!

Blademan: And I'm kinda too much like Metalman anyway!

Blademan: NAW!!!! UR Design is AWSOME!!!!

Blademan: Think so?!

Blademan: TOTALLY!!!! Hey, I got some weed in the back... Lets be friends.

Sharkman: LARGE WEED! Count me in!

Blademan: I'm beginning to like you already!

So both blademen go intot he back and sharkman does 2 but the fight still rages on! Waveman has been stabbed by Solarman and sheep babe has been battling spark man and needlegal has been beten by strikeman's assanssin guns and nitroman and run lover hardman and commandoman was being pelted by magnetmans magnet bullets and aother magnet stuff and the fighting still continued!

Magnetman: These guys fight like maniacs!

Commandoman: I should I used to be a Mechanical maniac!!!!!!!! And the bombman of the sinister six!!!!! And I think i wuz general cutman too actually ...

Magnetman: You are clearly insane!

Commandoman: insane like a fox!!!!!!!!!111!!!!!!!!!!!!!

???: Stop all of you!


Hardman: Who th' hell is that?

Sheep Babe: It's my beloved Vampire Edward Trunks!

Edward Trunks: Hello, my sweet Pandora!

Commandoman: But he iz R enemy! Liek all vampirez!

Sheep Babe: But I loves him!

Commandoman: ok then.

Edward Trunks: My lovely Pandora I have coem to warn you of a great danger. And it is one you know well!

Snakeman: (While struggling to remain conscious) I think I'm going to be sick.

Pumpman: yeee me 2.

Solarman: Shut uP!!! itz a tuchoing moment!

solarman stabs snakeman and pumpman/

Sheep Babe: My Darling, what is it?

Edward Trunks: It's ... OH NO! TOO LATE!

From out of nowhere a gigantic dragon appaears and land on top of Oilman

Oilman: ARGH!!!!!!

Bitman: HAW! Serves ya right, smartass.

Oilman: Shut...up...

Nitroman: Iz my predessessor as nitroman! PROWL!!!!

Sheep Babe: No it's the Prowl Dragon!!!!! But I thought he was dead!

Prowl: I got better. and how are you my "beloved" Sheepy?

Sheep Babe: You used me for my body!!!! I hate you!!!

Edward Trunks: And I hate you for debasing my Sheep Babe!

Needlegal: This has become seriously messed up right here.

Geminiman: First a purple Dr. Mario virus, then Trunks with bat wings and now a dragon with a robot's head. Where do these people come from?

Nitroman: We snakes hate dragons! And the Hevens Hammarz hates you Prowl! So I will kill you DOUBLE!!!!!

Commandoman: Were Aggravated Assault now.

Nitroman: WHATEVER!

Roboenza Virus: Oh, wow! It's like a reunion! We're all one big happy family! Hah hah, but I'm kidding. Actually I hope you all die screaming.

the roboenza virus then takes over topman and topman top spins shadowman into p[eices so shadowman is out. then nitroman attacks the prowl draghon and the proewl dragon breathes fire on him and nitroman is sent screming to the floor.

Prowl: I'mm destroy all of you!

Roboenza Top: Leave some for me, hunny! Hah hah, but I'm kidding. Actually I'm not.

Edward Trunks: It's time for our final battle, Prowl! The dragons will pay for what they did to the vampires!!!

Nitroman: U hat the dragons 2!?

Edward Trunks: Yes.

Nitroman: Okay now I like you better!

Sheep Babe: Don't like Vampire Tru nks!!!! He's mine!!! SHEEP ATTACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nitroman: Whu!?

Sheep babe violently attacks nitroman while vampire trunks attacks the prowl dragon and toipman tried to top spin hardman but hes just pushed back becuz hard is too hard.

Robotenza Top: Wow, that was fun! Just kidding! Actually -

Hardman knocks topman out with his hard nucklez becuz that iz topmanz weekness

Hardman: S'ry, Top, but it's fer yer own g'd. C'n we get outta here?

Shadowman: (While struggling to stand) Yeah, screw this mission. I've had enough. I've learned my lesson!

Bitman: Coward!

Bitman is then blasted by strikemans bazooka and then hit by Prowl dragon's fire.

Bitman: (While fending off Strikeman) Yeah, okay, let's just go.

Hardman: (Striking down the newely sealed off doors behind him) Let's get - WOAH!!!!

Hardman is then sucked out the door becuz the Quote Pyramyd has launched itself into space!

Needlegal: What the hell!? What. The. HELL!?

Prowl: What!? I M IN SPACE!!!!! MY ONE WEEKNESS!!!!

Edward Trunks: Yes! because there is no air you cannot breath flames! It is your doom, Prowl!

Commandoman: Wait who ordered the Quote pyramid to launch! I ddint!

Nitroman: I didn't either.

There wuz a buzzing sound over the intercom and it was the roboenva virus who answered.

Roboenza Virus: Actually I did! I wanted to see the lovely view here in space.

Geminiman: Really? I guess it is very nice ...

Roboenza Virus: Just kidding! Actually it's because there'll be no escape when I blow up the base!

Geminiman: What!?

Edward Trunks: Sheep babe, before we are parted I must tell you how much -

before vamy trunks can finish his girly speech the quote pyramid blows up and takes everyone wit it except for people who got sucked into space like hardman!


The Mechanical Maniacs and the Sinister Six trudge into the Technodrome two weeks later for a meeting with Crorq. The vast majority of their parts were recovered and they had spent most of the time being put back together.

Crorq: FINALLY! Thanks to you IIIIIIINFIDELS our budget was blown!

Torchman: It's the Mechs' fault.

Crorq: Shut up! You were in charge! You all blew it!

Sharkman: Heee hee hee! "Blew" it!

Blademan: We really did, didn't we!?

Sharkman: I love those guys.

Crorq: Stop acting like giggling stoners! You're members of the RPD, damn it!

Snakeman: (Whispering) Maybe now he'll see these guys for the losers they are.

Torchman: Crorq, I protest! Despite your account, we dispatched our enemy, did we not? Is their base not an unpleasant memory now? Are they not as ash upon the Earth?

Crorq: Well...yes.

Torchman: Well, there you go, then! Mission accomplished! One set of lunatics dispatched to Hell.

(Crorq munches on a cheeseburger loudly, at a loss for a rebuke on the team's positive accomplishment.)

Shadowman: So you see -

Crorq: Just for that I'm deducting your repairs from your pay.

Shadowman: WHAT!? WHY!?

Crorq: Because I hate you. And you were the first to speak.

(With that proclamation Crorq stomps out the room while stuffing another cheeseburger into his grotesque mouth. The Sinister Six follow him with Sharkman and Blademan giggling all the way.)

Hardman: D'you guys think we've seen th' last of th' Heaven's Hammer ... or whatever they called themselves?

Topman: I hope not! They were awsome! Actually I'm kidding. I hope we never see those losers again.

Needlegal: They should be able to fix that programming bug soon, Top.

Topman: I hope not, I love talking like this! Just kidding. I actually want to kill myself.

Snakeman: Well, I guess things turned out all right...

Spark Chan: I dunno, getting blown up really brings my spirits down.

Hardman: At lest you din't get shot into space! Landin' was a pain.

Needlegal: And we learned something too.

Shadowman: We learned something!?

Magnetman: I didn't learn anything.

Needlegal: We did learn something. We learned that there's always someone worse. You see, time was the Sinister Six PC was the definition of stupidity. Them and those Xtreme guys. But now we've met someone who has brought the bar to a whole new level. So you see? There's someone even worse than the Sinister Six. So it's not so bad they're Crorq's favorites and...have the authority to boss us around...

Magnetman: I will not take orders from those people. My pride ... my PRIDE won't allow it!

Snakeman: Yeah, but just think what it'd be like if the Hammars were our bosses.

Shadowman: I'll try not to

Topman: Well, until the Prowl Dragon comes to finish the fight off, we are ..... The Xtreme Team! Hah hah! I'm kidding. Or am I? Yes I am! LOL! Actually we'll be the Mechanical Maniacs. But wouldn't it be funny if we changed our name to the Xtreme Team now? I think it would be.

The End

Visit Heaven's HAAMMMMAARRRR aka: Aggravated Assault


Classi Cal as .....
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Gauntlet as .....


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