Series 7 Issue #6 - No Newbs Is Good Newbs

A quiet breakfast at the Technodrome.

Needle Gal: Hard, get your frigging elbow off my plate before I stab you!

Hard Man: I DON’ HAVE ANYWHERE ELSE TA PUT ‘EM! Th’ table’s too #@!%in’ small!

Gemini Man: Well, perhaps if someone wasn’t occupying so much space with all his food...

He glares at Top Man.

Top Man: Well EXCUSE ME! I need to eat, I’m a growing boy!

Needle Gal: You’re not growing, you can’t! You’re a robot!

Top Man: (with his mouth full) Tell that to Hard Man! He seems to change in size every time I see him!

Everyone: ...

Hard Man: (shrugs) I ‘ave an inconstan’ metabolism.

Top Man: (swallowing) Well I’m done anyways, so I guess the table will return to this rumoured state of prior vacuousness.

Topman begins clearing his plates from the table.

Snake Man: We should start patrolling, anyways. Even though it's not our job anymore, and Crorq keeps cutting the budget, and Crorq has demanded we do it even though it's NOT our job anymore and we don't have any damn say in the matter and Crorq's an idiot and our whole economy is COLLAPSING! ...great, and now we’re late, too.

Hardman sighs, stands up, and puts on his shoulder police sirens and lights.

Gemini Man: (snickering) Those lights really make your eyes pop.

Hard Man: I’ll make yer eyes pop, ya punk.

Needle Gal: Ugh, where’s Kenta? We need to get going.

Top Man: He’s probably up in his room listening to Simple Plan or something.

Magnet Man: (from behind) Simple Plan?

Top Man: Kenta! Uh, I was just saying... the, uh, the plan... for today, is very simple, we just have to... to patrol the city, just like, uh, well, just like we used to do. Yep, that’s the plan... for today.

Hard Man: Smooth save there, Toppers.

Top Man: Shut up and move, Lite Brite.

Topman rolls under a swinging punch and heads out the door, followed by the other Maniacs. A few hours of patrolling later, the team returns to the base for debriefing and a meal.

Magnet Man: This food is excellent, Classi-kun.

Spark Chan: Thank you, Kenta, that’s kind of you to say.

Geminiman glares at Magnetman, then turns back to Spark Chan and smiles.

Gemini Man: Yes, I too thought that it was excellent. In fact, I am sure that I had thought it was excellent first, but I was so focused on its excellence that I must have forgotten to say so.

Spark Chan: Oh, um... okay.

Shadow Man: So, let’s hear a report on today’s arrests. Snake?

Snake Man: Buh...I got nothin’.

Shadow Man: What? Really?

Snakeman shrugs.

Shadow Man: Top? How many tickets did you write today?

Top none, actually.

Shadow Man: Magnet?

Magnet Man: (shakes head)

Shadow Man: Nobody had any arrests? Crimes? Incidents? Petty thievery? Graffiti??

Everyone shrugs.

Shadow Man: That doesn’t seem right. There are enough stupid people out there that it’s practically a statistical impossibility for us to have a quiet day. Statistics, people!! Numbers don’t lie! I want you to double your efforts in tonight’s patrol, alright everyone?

But tomorrow at breakfast...

Shadow Man: What?! Still nothing? Really?

Needle Gal: Really. Nobody’s done anything illegal, indecent... nothing even mildly irritating!

Shadow Man: But... but surely the Sinister 6 PC tried to steal our briefing notes and pass them off as their own writing to try and get credit for it.

Snake Man: (shakes his head)

Shadow Man: Or... or somebody needed to be chastised for opening up a business even though they already owned three or four failing ones.

Spark Chan: Hm, not recently, no.

Shadow Man: Well, there’s gotta be some kind of city-wide scandal... Identity fraud! We get that all the time.

Top Man: There was one really shifty-looking homeless guy that I thought might really be Mesmerman in disguise... but then he choked on his own vomit, so I think he was actually a homeless guy.

Shadow Man: Something is seriously wrong here.

Snake Man: You mean the dead homeless guy?


Top Man: Oh, come on, boss! You should see this as a good thing! Sure, it’s a little strange to see everything going smoothly in the city for once, but think of how much better Monsteropolis has been in the past... day. If this keeps up, I’ll be so happy I could plotz!

Hard Man: Top, waddid we say abou’ you usin’ Yiddish?

Top Man: (disheartened) Not unless it’s sarcasm.

Hard Man: ‘Atta boy.

Shadow Man: You’re right. I shouldn’t let this bother me! Less criminals out there means more time for me sit back and really enjoy this bacon and eggs.

Snake Man: Sometimes, for fun, I like to call it “Snakon and eggs”.

All: ...

Snake Man: (mutters) ...and people wonder why I don’t talk more.

The Mechanical Maniacs videophone rings. Shadowman answers it, and to the Mechs’ chagrin the unpleasant image of Crorq scarfing down pork sausages fills the screen, the grease dripping down his robotic mouth in horrifying high def.

Crorq: MANIACS! It is I, your police chief, Crorq!

Gemini Man: We know who you are!

Crorq: INSOLENCE! My dramatic entrance could not be appreciated by your base intellect!

Spark Chan: That’s-

Crorq: I’m SICK of your WHINING!

Crorq throws a sausage at them, it of course just hits the camera.

Crorq: Now look what you’ve done! Pick it up!

Magnet Man: It’s a video phone, it doesn’t-

Crorq: INCOMPETENTS! What do I pay you for?! Oh, that reminds me, you have an assignment. Missing persons. People. Persons? ...go find them!




Crorq throws another sausage at the screen, it slides down slowly leaving a trail of grease.

Crorq: ...sometimes, for fun, I like to call pork sausages “Crorq sausages”.

The Maniacs stare at their boss, dumbstruck.

Crorq: (dismayed) And people wonder why I have an eating disorder!

He begins sobbing and hangs up the phone.

Top Man: He didn’t even say who we’re supposed to find.

Hard Man: (from another room) Uh, guys?

The Maniacs join Hard Man in the other room where a televised news cast is in progress.

Newscast: the large number of people who have vanished within the past 24 hours. Fear and paranoia are gripping the public, but despite the mysterious disappearances violence and crime rates have been at a record low, and Monsteropolis rose to number four in America’s survey of the safest cities to live in, literally overnight! In other news... well, to be honest, there is no other news, not much is happening here in-

Hard Man shuts off the TV.

Needle Gal: I guess we found out who the missing persons were.

Top Man: People. Persons?

Before the team could discern the proper pluralization, a knock at their door brings them face to face with...

Shadow Man: Torchman?!

Torchman is being held by the collar of his jacket at the stoop of the Technodrome’s entranceway by Oilman. Behind him, Blademan, Waveman and Bitman stand around, looking sullen and wary.

Shadow Man: It’s bad enough we have to see you every day at work, now you’re showing up here?!

Torch Man: You vile, cheating... PROXY of a man, you dare to be rude to the TRUE-

A nasty look from Oilman shuts him up.

Oil Man: Look, we... we need your help.

Torchman cringes at the words.

Oil Man: Something was done to us, something real unjustice-like. And we figured you guys are our subordinates, it’s, like, your job, your purpose in life to help us!

Needle Gal: Someone did something unjust to you? I can’t imagine why.

Bit Man: Look, will you help us or not?!

Shadow Man: Depends. I hate you guys, but I like hearing you say you need us. Say it again.

Oil Man: Urgh... we need your help. Happy now?

Shadow Man: Nah, I'm never happy when you guys around. But now you got me curious as to why you’d be so desperate as to ever ask us. What’s the problem?

Blade Man: gotta promise not to laugh at us.

Gemini Man: Do you want us to pinky-swear it too? Do we look like we’re three years old?

All heads inevitably turn to Top Man momentarily.

Top Man: ...continue!

Oil Man: Alright, alright. Well... somethin’ was... stolen from us.

Spark Chan: What was stolen?

The Sinister 6 look at each other hesitantly.

Blade Man: (dismayed) Someone stole Sharkman!


Torch Man: I told you they’d laugh, the scum! We never should have come to them, you idiots!

Hard Man: Someone stole ‘im?

Snake Man: Why?!

Gemini Man: How?!

Top Man: Why?!

Oil Man: Look, we don’t know what happened! Will you help us get him back or not?

Snake Man: What’s in it for us?

Bit Man: ...the satisfaction of doing your job to the utmost of your abilities?

Top Man: Job satisfaction isn’t really our shtick-

Hard Man:-TOP!

Top Man:-thing. Sorry. Got anything else to offer?

Oil Man: That’s why we brought him along.

Oilman holds up Torchman by the scruff of his collar. He is still squirming and looking more mutinous than ever.

Torch Man: I’ll never say it! Never!!!

Oil Man: If you find Sharkman and bring him back to us UNHARMED, we’ll... (sigh) we’ll concede that you’re... competent.

Torchman goes ballistic in Oilman’s grip, flailing and howling in agony.

Oh yeah? In fron' 'o' Crorq?

Bit Man: Don’t push it.

Magnet Man: You’ll finally admit that we’re better than you? (sceptically) All of you will?


Blade Man: ...all of us.

Everyone looks to Shadowman, who has a huge grin on his face.

Shadow Man: We’ll do it.

The Sinister 6 gives a sigh of relief, except Torchman, who’s in tears.

Oil Man: Just find him. And be quick about it, okay? The guy doesn’t have much in the way of self-sufficiency.

The team walks away, Oilman dragging Torchman kicking and screaming. Waveman, however, hasn’t moved.

Wave Man:(sigh) Nobody would care if I was stolen.

He wanders off to join his teammates.

Snake Man: You know, he’s probably right.

Spark Chan: Are we really going to help them after all the things they do to us?

Shadow Man: (sighs) It doesn’t look like we have a choice. Think about it- first a bunch of people disappear, and then suddenly the city is devoid of annoyance and drama? Obviously someone is kidnapping the city’s newbs. Sharkman’s disappearance proves it. Finding these missing people is our job anyways... much as I hate to say it.

Needle Gal: Which means it’s our job to find Sharkman too.

Shadow Man: Yep. Watching Torchman squirm was just for kicks. So let’s break into teams and find these lowlives.

Spark Chan: Oh God, what if they’re not being kidnapped? What if they’re being killed?

Magnet Man: ...we can only hope.

Hard Man: I ain’ even sure where t’start lookin’.

Shadow Man: We’ll start with their usual haunting grounds: role-playing forums that have devolved into tangential nonsense; team bases that have been under construction since 2006; Sonic vs. Mario sprite demonstrations. The faster we can find these people, the bet- ah, who am I kidding, the faster we find them, the faster our job will go back to arresting them for their stupidity. Let’s just get going.

A couple of hours later, at the Town Square, the Mechs regroup.

Gemini Man: No activity at You’re The Man Now Dog either.

Needle Gal: I can’t believe this, I didn’t even see a Recoloured Zero walking around. How could so many people just vanish?!

Hard Man: Top thinks he might’ve found a clue, bu’ he couldn’ decryp’ it.

Top Man: (crying) My eyes bled when I read it! I didn’t even know that could happen!

Hard Man: Said ‘e found it while lookin’ up ol’ users o’ the Sitesled Pagebuilder program.

Hardman passes the paper to Shadowman to look at.

Shadow Man: It definitely follows some kind of pattern... Snake, you’re faster at cracking codes than the rest of us, take a look.

Snakeman ponders over the printed text.

Snake Man: It’s not any language I’m a familiar with... but it could be a simple substitution cipher...

Hard Man: Meanin’?

Snake Man: ...not sure yet. But it looks like each number has an alphabetical substitute, I just have to figure out what it is. It’s not by alphabetical sequence, or reverse sequence... wait a second, if the cipher is based around VISUAL resemblance, you could infer that zeroes are o’s, and ones are i’s...

Gemini Man: I could... but choose not to.

Snake Man: ...and going further, the fours could appear as a rough approximation of capital A’s, and if that’s the case, then... (gasp) 1’\/3 607 17!!!

Snakeman rushes off.

Spark Chan: ...what did he say?

The rest of the Maniacs follow in hot pursuit. He leads them into a building, only to find...

>> Gemini Man 05/12/20XX(Thu)19:34 No.58251300
     File1273190014.jpg-(25 KB, 48x48)
25 KBWhat... what is this bizarre place?
>> Anonymous 05/12/20XX(Thu)19:35 No.58253190
Tits or gtfo.
>> Gemini Man 05/12/20XX(Thu)19:35 No.58253206
     File1273190014.jpg-(25 KB, 48x48)
25 KB
I beg your pardon?!
>> Anonymous 05/12/20XX(Thu)19:36 No.58253270

File : 1273635110.jpg-(380 KB, 738x763)
380 KB Anonymous 05/12/20XX(Thu)19:41 No.58818684   [Reply]
ITT: .sdrawkcab sklat ydobyrevE
>> Anonymous 05/12/20XX(Thu)19:43 No.58818732
>> Magnet Man 05/12/20XX(Thu)19:45 No.58818786
     File1273190014.jpg-(25 KB, 48x48)
25 KB
I think my translator is broken, what are they talking about?
>> Spark Chan 05/12/20XX(Thu)19:45 No.58818787
     File1273190014.jpg-(25 KB, 48x48)
25 KB
Oh dear, we didn’t accidentally download Babelfish into ourselves again, did we?

File : 1273636380.jpg-(59 KB, 300x364)
Anonymous 05/12/20XX(Thu)19:53 No.58820552   [Reply]
Longcat is long.
>> Anonymous 05/12/20XX(Thu)19:54 No.58820768
Pics or it didn't happen.
>> Anonymous 05/12/20XX(Thu)19:57 No.58820776
Pics of Longcat here.
>> Top Man 05/12/20XX(Thu)19:58 No.58818789
     File1273190014.jpg-(25 KB, 48x48)
25 KB horror... the sheer stupidity!! I can't take it anymore, it's JUST TOO MUCH!!!

Top Man runs out screaming.

>> Anonymous 05/12/20XX(Thu)19:59 No.58820799
inb4 "that's what she said"

File : 1273636163.jpg-(408 KB, 200x400)
408 KB Anonymous 05/12/20XX(Thu)20:02 No.58820215   [Reply]
Heheh... Large weed.
>> Anonymous 05/12/20XX(Thu)20:02 No.58820651
Good job on the broken link, nub.
>> Shadow Man 05/12/20XX(Thu)20:03 No.58820650
     File1273190014.jpg-(25 KB, 48x48)
25 KB
Wait a second, I recognize that voice.
>> Everyone 05/12/20XX(Thu)20:03 No.58820656
     File1273635183.jpg-(141 KB, 200x300)
Shark Man?!
>> Anonymous 05/12/20XX(Thu)20:04 No.58820669
Shhhhhh!1 My names “anonymous” here guyz!!!
>> Shadow Man 05/12/20XX(Thu)20:05 No.58820690
     File1273190014.jpg-(25 KB, 48x48)
25 KB
Shark Man, what the hell! Your team’s been looking everywhere for you. This is where you’ve been the whole time?!
>> Anonymous 05/12/20XX(Thu)20:07 No.58820767
this is where I belong, n00bs! My stoopid teammates treat me like i’m nobody, but here, everybody’s a nobody! Everybody’s Anonymous! We can do whatever we want cuz nobody even knows which one of us is which! Its great!
>> Spark Chan 05/12/20XX(Thu)20:09 No.58820769
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That’s not great, that’s sick! If everybody’s acting under the banner of anonymity then you’ll start to develop a mob mentality, and when everybody’s forfeited the responsibility of their actions and there’s nobody left to regulate the mob, things will start to snowball out of control! Innocent pranks and sarcastic remarks will devolve into debauchery and antagonism. Morality will bend under the pressure of preserving the latitude of the mob. Soon it’ll become impossible to draw a line between right and wrong, and the very moral fabric of society will have corroded until all that is left is barbaric chaos!
>> Gemini Man 05/12/20XX(Thu)20:10 No.58820777
     File1273190014.jpg-(25 KB, 48x48)
25 KB
Classi seems to have given this a lot of thought.
>> Needle Gal 05/12/20XX(Thu)20:10 No.58820778
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Actually, I think that was just the plot of Lord of The Flies.
>> Shadow Man 05/12/20XX(Thu)20:12 No.58820779
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Shark, just come back with us.
>> Anonymous 05/12/20XX(Thu)20:14 No.58820788
Man, guys, I dunn-
>> Shadow Man 05/12/20XX(Thu)20:14 No.58820789
     File1273190014.jpg-(25 KB, 48x48)
25 KB
Oh well, we tried.

Back at the Technodrome...

Top Man: That was... abrupt.

Snake Man: Well... It seems things turned out all right?

Magnet Man: I guess.

Shadow Man: And we learned a valuable lesson. Even newbs and trolls and complete assholes are people too. And they’ve found a venue to express themselves and communicate together, and we shouldn’t stand in the way of that. ‘Tis nobler to-

Needle Gal: That’s not what happened! You just left them there so we wouldn’t have to deal with them for a while.

Shadow Man: Hrmmm. Mine has more zing.

Hard Man: Too bad we won' get t'see the S6 beggin' anymore though.

Gemini Man: Won’t Crorq have something to say about us leaving all those people there?

Snake Man: Technically he just said we had to find the missing persons, not bring them back... OR IS IT "PEOPLE”?!

Spark Chan: Crorq would never let us get off the hook with a technicality!

Shadow Man: Well Crorq can bite my technical, technological butt. Besides, I have a feeling our fair city will be overrun with their stupidity again soon enough.

Top Man: (sarcastically) Yeah, I’m so looking forward to it I could plotz.

Hard Man: ‘Attaboy.

Top Man: Well, until we do what the good taxpayers of Monsteropolis are paying us to do, we are... The Mechanical Maniacs!

The End

Xelloss: Hello, friends, I’m television’s Slayers’ Xelloss, though you might remember me better as my role of the demon Xelloss from the Mechanical Maniacs epilogues, as well as the Sinister Six PC Christmas Special, “Waveman Wants A New Belt”. (He chuckles) Xelloss can be pretty cruel sometimes, can’t he? But so can words. Calling someone a “newb” can be hurtful, and ignorant. Maybe you know someone who’s been called “newbish”. Maybe you’ve called someone a “newb” yourself.

But everyone deserves a chance to mature, to better themselves. And as a fellow poster, it should be your job to help them along this path. Instead of flaming and starting “lawldrama”, next time, try offering a helpful hint through a private message, or steer their wayward topic into a more forum-friendly direction. We’re all just one great big “we” here... and you can’t spell “newb” without “we”.

...of course, some of them just won’t learn. Like, ever. Seriously. Feel free to just hate on those ones, it usually doesn’t take long until they give up all hope of acceptance and quit the internet, enter a deep depression and channel their emotional instability into unhealthy real life outlets. About three weeks, on average.

Did you learn something today? I know I have! Well, until next time, this is Xelloss, reminding you to put the “us”... back in “forums”.


Classi Cal as .....
Spark Chan
Raijin as .....
Psycho Magnet as .....
Hadrian Howell as .....
    Nightmare as .....
Lennon as .....
Kenta (Kassidy) Eigen as .....
Gauntlet as .....


Blyka's Door
E-Can Factory
MM BN Chrono X
MM PC Website
Protodude's RM Corner
Reploid Research Lavatory
RM AMV Station
RM EXE Online
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Sprites INC