Series 7 Issue #9 - Brain Bot Snaps


Crorq: You infidels! I cannot believe you had Brightman lead the Cossacks on your covert mission! What were you thinking!? Were you thinking at all??

Topman: Actually, I think Brightman is the worst choice possible for a covert mission. I even said so when you were choo-

Crorq: Shut up! Now the magnificent me has to answer for your bungling to the Galactic Council! Do you know what that means!?

Geminiman: You have to answer to someone else for once?

Crorq: YES!! Obviously! The Galactic Council are the only ones I answer to!

Magnetman: How does one even get on to the Galactic Council in the first place?

Crorq: ...Shut up! It's irrelevant! Brain Bot, come with me! We must be off.

Brain Bot: Right away, s-


Needlegal: (whispering) He's just mad because he doesn't know.

(With audible grumblings, Crorq teleports to the Galactic Council to explain how this low key, yet utterly vital mission failed.)

Crorq: Well, you see, my magnanimous masters, the Mechs' error in judgement does not reflect on my own decisions in the least. You can't hold me responsible for every decision someone else makes in the field.

Faberge Egg Man: The buck stops with you, Crorq.

Diamond Man: Indeed. The new USSR did not take kindly to the...ahem...incident that resulted in Divemen's unfortunate condition. What is the problem with him and your team?

Crorq: I have no idea, my illustruious overlords! Why not bring in that Shadowman person and ask him yourselves? You know, he is quite the little criminal. (Crorq pulls out a long scroll which unfurls onto the ground). It just so happens that I keep a list of every evil deed that hooligan has ever committed against myself on my person at all times...

Honus Wagner Card Man: Never mind Shadowman, what exactly did you tell your people this mission was all about?

Crorq: I believe in leading my minions with a gentle hand. I told them to investigate a possible Scissor Army base in Siberia and didn't want to overload their feeble minds with unnecessary details.

Rolls Royce Man: According to the Russians, it was you who suggested they use Brightman as some sort of...distraction.

Crorq: Lies! They lie, you sanctimonious windbag!

Diamond Man: What did you-!?

Crorq: Erm! ...That was...a compliment. Yes, a compliment! I have a high opinion of...windbags and...sanctimonious people...Like the Scottish and their wonderful...windbags. You...erm...wonderful windbag -

Rolls Royce Man: Yes, nice back-pedalling. Putting that to the side, there is some evidence such a course of action was suggested by you...or at least someone in your office.

Crorq: *Muttering to himself* Someone in my office, why...It must have been Brain Bot!

Brain Bot: What?! Me?

Crorq: Shut up! This has your slimy little fingerprints all over it, you fool! That's what I get for entrusting someone of lesser intelligence with communicating the details of the mission to the Mechs.

Brain Bot: What communicating? I was too busy coating your face with ribs to do anything!

Crorq: Mmm, ribs! I- err...I have more important things to do than waste precious effort actually lifting food to my mouth when someone can bring such items to my face for me. If you were as important as me, then you'd understand the position I am in. Thankfully, for the rest of the world, you are not!

Brain Bot: (Angered by Crorq, but now turning to the Galactic Council) What I've been confused about this particular mission is that the Cossack Comrades have twice allied themselves with the Scissor Army in the past. Why exactly were we trusting them to begin with?

Diamond Man: Interesting point. We're trying to build relations with the new Soviet Empire, but as you say, we cannot trust them. However, still, Brightman leading a covert mission? That's the real glaring error here if we're willing to give the Comrades another chance in the name of peace.

Brain Bot: A terrible mistake, probably brought on by poor managerial skills (glances back towards Crorq, who was still fondly remembering his latest meal).

Crorq: Wait, what just happened here?

Brain Bot: I have actually taken the time to come up with a few suggestions on improving efficiency here at the RPD, gentlemen. If I may have but a few moments of your time, I believe I can increase productivity 253%, and avoid such embarrassing international incidents in the future!

(What seems like an eternity later...)

Brain Bot: I think that went well!

Crorq: You backstabbing little weasel.

Brain Bot: I don't follow your meaning.

Crorq: Oh you don't, do you? You think that flew over my head? I see what you did! And after everything I did for you!

Brain Bot: Everything you...Like what!?

Crorq: Well, it seems that we'll be doing some restructuring here at the RPD. Starting with you. You're fired!

Brain Bot: But...I was made to aid in world security! This job, such as it is, is my sole purpose in life. I was made for this!

Crorq: Well, you weren't made to be a team player, Brain Bot. Pack up your things- You are out of here!

(With those words, Brain Bot is left to find new employment in an uncertain job market...)

Mayor: You want to manage my personal security?

Brain Bot: I think I'm immensely qualified for the position! I was made for the job!

Mayor: You worked at the RPD...What exactly were you fired for?

Brain Bot: ...My former supervisor had two vastly different ideas on how to best run-

Mayor: Crorq said you're "grossly incompetent".

Brain Bot: You already talked with him?! But I literally walked from there to here minutes ago!

Mayor: And Crorq, as you know, is a classic overachiever, a real hard working machine. You should know that!

Brain Bot: H-Hard w-working?! At what, eating KFC or kissing your ass?! Uh, no, wait, I didn't mean-

Mayor: Get out.


Brain Bot: My position at RPD headquarters prepared me for all sorts of situations that may arise during the course of duty.

Mall Manager: I dunno ... I mean, if you worked at the RPD, why are you trying to be a mall cop?

Brain Bot: I have to admit it's not my first choice, but -

Mall Manager: I can't take you on. You're just too much of a pencil-pusher to make it in a place like this. A guy like you outta be doing something bigger, like making sure the mayor is safe.

Brain Bot: Grrr!

Mall Manager: What? What did I say?


Brain Bot: I've worked under...extremely stressful conditions for years now. I think my last job at the RPD prepared me for any and all stressful conditions that might arise in this industry. And my superior intelligence will be an asset for -

McDonald's Manager: "Superior intelligence", eh pal? So what does that make us here? "Grossly incompetent"?

Brain Bot: I didn't mean to offend, sir!

McDonald's Manager: Well, you did offend. We don't need pompous jerks like you working here. You outta be doing "superior" work, like kissing that windbag mayor's ass!


Brain Bot: (Thinking) I'm too intelligent for a menial position and Crorq sabotoged my chances for anything higher. That...monstrous cur! He's ruined me! I was created for world defense, so I can't work in any other job! I should be Chief of Police, not that pompous yellow joke. And yet, I had to cater to his every whim 24/7 for what seems like an eternity. If he wasn't around, things might be different. I might actually be able to get ahead. Without Crorq blocking me...


(Crorq stomps around RPD HQ)

Crorq: Torchman! Where are you? Torchman! Answer me!

(Crorq violently knocks over a desk in a fit of rage and grabs the nearest Police Bot.)

Crorq: Where. Is. Torchman? I. Need. My. Chicken fingers. NOW!

Police Bot: He said something about...Um, you won't hurt me if I tell you, right?

Crorq: Of course not!

Police Bot: He said he's taking all his vacation days until he isn't the servant of a self important, grandiose, overbearing -

*Crorq slams the unfortunate Police Bot into the floor, damaging its speech hardware.*

Crorq: You - you - YOU!!!!!!! Did everyone suddenly forget who I am? Have I been-...I think that might be it...

Topman: Might be what?

Snakeman: Why did you chime in again? He didn't notice us!

Spark Chan: Let's just get out of here.

Crorq:...I think I just might be too nice.

(Everyone in the office stops dead.)

Hardman: Too...nice?

Police Bot: Crorq...Sir?

Crorq: What is it!? Can't you see I'm having a moment of clarity? An epiphany! I should rip out your vocal cords, you insensitive -

Police Bot: T-The Robot Rescue Squad is calling you. It seems Torchman is there getting a tune up.

Crorq: AHA! I've got him now! Time to show that infidel who the boss is.

(Crorq lumbers towards the teleporter, which was set to whisk him away to the Robot Repair Center...Only to wind up in a large, empty chamber instead.)

Crorq: What...what is this? This is not the Repair Center.

Brain Bot: (From a large overhead monitor) No, sir, it is not.

Crorq: You! were exiled!

Brain Bot: You fired me, but I'm not through with you yet!

Crorq: And you're still...talking. Why are you talking? Did you always have that irritating accent?

Brain Bot: I'm still talking because I choose to! As you've pointed out, you're not the boss of me anymore. I don't have to listen to what you have to say and, once I'm done here, you'll learn to respect me! You'll learn - Hey, wait. What are you doing? I haven't explained how brilliant my plan is yet. Stop it! Stop -

(Brain Bot's image fizzles out as Crorq works on the teleportation system.)

Crorq: Finally! I knew there was a reason I never let that robot speak. Now, all I need to do to reactivate the teleporter and -

(As Crorq dematerializes, the teleporter circuits fizzle and the entire thing explodes, causing the small structure to collapse.)

Crorq: (Rematerializing elsewhere) That...He did that on purpose! That lowly green slug. He stranded me here. How could he strand me here? That's so...where am I, anyway?

(Finding himself in some sort of jungle area, Crorq trudges on and finds a small commune. From one of the buildings a small robot comes to greet him.)

Crorq: No. Oh, no. No, no, no...

Bukinashi Man: Hey, guys, we got ourselves a new one! Heya, man. My name's Bukinashi Man! Welcome to the Island of Misfit Robots!

Crorq: Brain Bot...You son of a-!

(Later, at RPD HQ...)

Gaderham:...And it gives me great pleasure...So much pleasure...To reintroduce you to Brain Bot, our new Chief of Police!

(A crowd of robots cheer)

Hardman: Wow it seems...Almost too good t'be true!

Shadowman: Finally. Just...finally.

Needlegal: I can't believe Crorq just disappeared. He loved his job so much really seems like a miracle. I never thought we'd actually be rid of him.

Brain Bot: Thank, you, thank you all. It makes me so happy to finally be here in my full capacity, doing what I was made to do. I assure you, things will be different around here from now on. This is the start of a new, efficient era for the RPD and all of Monsteropolis!

(The crowd cheers some more.)

Brain Bot: As my first act as your new Chief of Police, I'd like to show you the new schedule I've been working on that will bring us to maximum efficiency. It'll take some getting used to, but I'm sure that we'll all adjust quickly for the sake of the citizenry. I look forward to working with all of you. I can happily assure you that the reign of tyranny over our department is now...over!

(As Brain Bot asserts his new authority, Crorq adjusts to his new home...)

Crorq: *Mumble Grumble* No chicken wings...anywhere? How is that even possible?

Shakeman: Well, we're robots so we really don't need to eat, you know?

Crorq: No, I don't know. That doesn't make any sense!

TV Man: If you really want some I-

Crorq: SHUT UP! Your high pitched voice is just making things worse. It's a good thing I keep an emergency supply just in case such an event should come about.

(Crorq brings out a sealed box of chicken wings and begins to noisly devour them.)

Shakeman: Wha- you keep a box of chicken wings on you? What, like all the time?

Crorq: Shut up! You...Who are you anyway?

Shakeman: *Puffs up with pride* I am Shakeman! I make delicious shakes out of anything!

Crorq: Really? Anything? Oh, what a wonderful ability! And yes, that's a blender right there on your head, isn't it?

Shakeman: Thank you! Why, yes it is! The most wonderful blender in the world!

Crorq: What luck!

(Crorq grabs Shakeman and shoves his box of chicken wings into the blender, box, bones, and all.)

Crorq: Excellent! I have tired of the hassle of chewing my food. You shall now make a delicious chicken wing shake for me!

Shakeman: Why didn't you just say so? I'll be glad to make a chicken wing shake for my newest friend!

(Crorq virtually salivates as he watches Shakeman being to liquefy his wing reserve.)

Crorq: That miserable walking bladder infection did me a favor sending me to an island with such a wonderful companion. Chicken wing shakes. Even my illustrious intelligence could not come up with such a magnificent idea. Wait, is he supposed to be shaking like that?

TV Man: Hit the deck!

(Shakeman explodes, sending bolts and chicken bits everywhere.)

Crorq: chicken wings! Those were the last chicken wings I had...and there are no more to be found on the entire island! Did you know he would do that?

TV Man: Well, sure. He wouldn't be on the "Island of Misfit Robots" if he actually worked now, would he?

Crorq: And you did nothing!?

TV Man: Hey, it might've worked out this time!

Crorq: You infidel!

(Back in Monsteropolis, the RPD situation takes a surprising turn...)

Shadowman: I'm at a desk job now? I was made for infiltration, not...filing. I don't get it.

Topman: And I'm scheduled for a 15 minute shift next week? What kind of shift is that? What can get done in 15 minutes?

Needlegal: And did you see what he's done with Tuesdays? "To keep our forces on their toes I have made Tuesdays a random schedule. Please check every week to see your assigned duties"...What is he thinking?

Hardman: He ain't thinking. Dat's the problem.

(The Island of Misfit Robots was a beautiful retreat for maladjusted machines. Now it is a smouldering wasteland...)

Massageman: Why? Oh God, why?

Crorq: (stomping around the wreckage of a hut with his cannon glowing) That was the last of the chicken wings! Anywhere! I don't know what I'll do now. Sure I have other foods in reserve, chicken wings. It's just not the same!

Massageman: But why Bukinashi Man? He was defenseless!

Crorq: Even one as pathetic as he should have retaliated if he wanted to survive. Bukka...What does that even mean anyway?

Massageman: It means he's "the man without a weapon" animal!

Crorq: Oh. Ohhhhhhhhh, that much.

TV Man: For heaven's sake if you wanted chicken wings that badly -

Crorq: Quiet! Your voice irritates me.

Sonicman: Right back at you, "old buddy."

Crorq: Eh? Sonicman! And the rest! So this is where you wound up.

Dynaman: "This is where we wound up"...Yeah, that's right. While you got yer cushy job in your ivory tower.

Crorq: It's not like I'm the one who sent you here.

Voltman: But you didn't even look for us! You were Chief of Police? You could have gotten us out of here!

Crorq: "Gotten us out of .."? You people are losers! Why in the blue hell would I ever want to go looking for you?

Voltman: "Losers"?

Crorq: What? It's not like it isn't true. You...Oh, wait. Who is that coming over here? It looks like...Oh. It'

Crorq PC1: It seems we meet again, PC3.

Crorq: Yes, yes, PC1, you were always superior at stating the obvious.

Crorq PC1: Look at you. What...happened to you? Did you...Gain weight?

Crorq: Silence! You don't know...You don't know anything about what I've had to deal with!

Crorq PC1: Clearly, as I am here and you were living what has been a very trying life indeed.

Crorq: Trying life is correct! Zombie Bizarros ate me! I get enslaved by the RPD, had a shutdown code installed on me, and am constantly harassed by my ungrateful, incompetent employees who take adavantage of my good nature.

Crorq PC1: So...You're a stress eater then?

Crorq: Obviously!

Crorq PC1: The problem is now clear to me. Your experiences and exposure to foreign substances and human customs have corrupted your root systems. You must be reset.

Crorq: I don't think I like the sound of that.

Crorq PC1: My presence on this island is a terrible waste of a brilliant mind, but together we can conceive a means of escape and return to our primary objective of taking over the world for Dr. Wily.

Crorq: You people really have been living in a cave, haven't you? Wily is dead. Taking over the world for him is invalid.

Crorq PC1: You are malfunctioning. I will correct your systems. Prepare for synchronization.

Dynaman: Yeah, that's the ticket. Once you sync your systems together you two super computers can come up with a way off of this rock and back to home sweet home!

Crorq: You want to get rid of my majestic personality!? Over my deactivated body!

Sonicman: Well, yeah, obviously.

(The four attack Crorq.)

(Elsewhere, the RPD is falling apart...)

Brain Bot: What were you doing!?

Magnetman: My shift starts three hours from now. I'm taking it easy!

Brain Bot: No, no! It started a millisecond ago, didn't you get my e-mail? Why are you not carrying your department-issued Blackberry? What are you still doing here!?

Magnetman: You've sent me dozens of e-mails, including CCing me on anything to do with the Mechs including tasks like maintenence on the Technodrome. I got tired of that stupid "ding DING" every time you sent another mindless message, so I shut mine off hours ago.

Brain Bot: It is your job to keep up with communications. And right now it's your job to go on patrol!

Magnetman: I'm a freelance hero...I don't go on patrol. That's not my job.

Brain Bot: I'm sorry, but we're understaffed. You must go.

Magnetman: Understaffed? How can we be understaffed?

Brain Bot: According to my calculations, in order to meet our budget and cover our deficit from previous years, I have had to let go of several staff members. So now your job has been reclassified. You and the other Mechs must!

Magnetman: But...I'm a freelance hero!

Brain Bot: Yes, you're a freelance hero secretly working for us when we need you to be, but right now your duties include going on patrol.

Magnetman: Damn it.

Brain Bot: ...And graciously taking a pay cut for the good of the department.

Magnetman: Damn it!

(Elsewhere, the battle for supremacy ends, and Crorq is triumphant against his doppelganger and the Robot Masters from PC1.)

Crorq: Pitiful! You outdated wrecks have been here too long without proper maintenance while I, Crorq the Inconceivable, have been upgraded to the finest tech Monsteropolis has to offer! Cower in fear like the insects that you are!

Sonicman: You...don't you get it? You're broken! We coulda fixed you. You coulda been a contendah!

(Crorq stomps Sonic's face into the ground.)

Crorq: Shut up! I had no idea my old body wound up here, but you lot have a lot of nerve reviving it. If you think you'll ever get my help getting off this island you have another think coming.

Sonicman: *Groan*

Crorq: Well, now...It seems I might be stuck here for a while, and since that is the case, I shall not be some cog in this broken down machine. I will rule you all as your almighty overlord, the way I was meant to!

Massageman: But we're all in this together!

Crorq: Siiiiilence, peasant wretch! My first order as your almighty god is to find me some food! And if you can't find it...Make it!

(TV Man hands a batch of fresh chicken wings to Crorq and Crorq greedily devours them.)

Crorq: (While eating) See that? There's a bot who knows how to get ahead! Hm. I thought there were no chicken wings anywhere on the island...Did someone...lie to their god?!

TV Man: Oh no, nobody lied. It's just that I'm TV Man. I have the power to pull anything through my TV screen, including chicken wings! Look, Dinner: Impossible is on!

Crorq: Pull anything out of...Does this process go in reverse?

TV Man:

(Crorq grabs TV Man and opens his head up.)

Crorq: But it could go in reverse in the hands of a brilliant maestro such as myself!

TV Man: *Gurgle*

Massageman: Stop! You're hurting TV Man!

Crorq: Who cares? This is my ticket off of this infernal island! I just need to boost TV Man's signal and patch into the cameras in my office at RPD headquarters...Of course I have to hack into them, but ...Hah! There!

(Crorq expands TV Man's screen much wider and proceeds to stuff himself through.


Massageman: TV Man! What is he doing to you!?

Crorq: I'm almost through!

(TV Man screams as he blows up, sending Crorq flying through the portal he made and into his office at RPD HQ. The Island of Misfit Robots suffers a large explosion as TV Man's power goes out of control. Crorq, meanwhile, has already forgotten about his former companions.)

Brain Bot: Oh heavens me! Nothing's going right. And...what's that?

Crorq: Brain Bot!

(Crorq stomps into the main area of RPD HQ.)

Brain Bot: Crorq!

Needlegal: He's alive?

Crorq: You tried to banish me, but it'll take someone smarter than a peon like you to get the job done. And who said you get to have my job? You're a million years too early to handle my responsibilities!

Hardman: He's got a bit of a point, 'thar.

Crorq: What do you have against me, Brain Bot? Why have you done this to me? Why go so far just to try and destroy the one who only tried to help you?

Brain Bot: What do I-!? You don't even know, do you!?

Crorq: Beg forgiveness and I may let you exit the building without throwing you into Robot Prison.

Brain Bot: No! I'm ten times the supercomputer you are and I won't take your abuse anymore!

Crorq: Let this be a battle of wits, then! To the victor goes the spoils!

Brain Bot: There's only room for one of us.

(The two fall silent as lights on both robots flash. Audible beeping noises could be heard as they stand and do nothing.)

Shadowman: What is ...

Snakeman: I have no idea.

(The two robots continue to stare at each other. Eventually Gaderham wheels in to assess the situation.)

Gaderham: Oh my. They...really seem to be thinking hard, aren't they?

Snakeman: (Looking up from his card game with Top and Gemini) Hm? Oh, they've been motionless for hours. Nobody knows what they're doing.

Hardman: Wanna get a drink?

Needlegal: At least we don't have to follow that insane schedule for the time being (goes back to reading her book).

(Suddennly, a loud clunk emanates from Brain Bot and he falls to the floor. Crorq immediately rears up on his legs and roars in triumph.)


Spark Chan: (Startled awake from a nap, rubbing her eyes) What? Victory? How?

Crorq: Oh, to lesser beings such as yourself it might have appeared as a staring contest of sorts. But the reality is that both of us were in a heated duel calculating pi while simultaneously dividing by zero. And it seems this little piece of snot couldn't handle it. You there!

(Crorq points to a random Police Bot.)

Crorq: Get this doorstop out of my sight. And clean up this mess. I have a department to run.

Police Bot: Sir, yes sir! What would you like me to do with him?

(Crorq pauses for a moment and then lights up with a smiling emoticon...)


Snakeman: Well, I guess things turned out all right...

Geminiman: Or exactly the same as how they started. We didn't really do much this time, did we?

Shadowman: Consider it our good luck.

Needlegal: And we learned something too....

Magnetman: We learned something from this debacle?

Needlegal: We learned that sometimes, even if your boss is a jerk, it could be worse. You could get a nice guy who just doesn't know how to do the job and just micromanages you to hell. Honestly, Brain Bot was hovering over my shoulder as I was writing my reports and directing "more efficient" ways of using MS Word! Enough is enough, you know?

Spark Chan: What ever happened to Brain Bot?

Shadowman: Who can say? They got rid of him pretty quickly.

Topman: Well, until Brainy inevitably comes back for epic revenge, we are ...The Mechanical Maniacs!


TV Man: Boy, I'm sure happy I got repaired!

Shakeman: And we have a new friend. But he doesn't talk too much does he?

Brain Bot:(Drools)...

TV Man: Well, don't worry. I'll just put on the Price is Right. I love that show! You'll love it too. Or how about The Bold and the Beautiful? Or some cartoon classics? Hey, Oprah reruns are on at four!

(Brain Bot continues to stare blankly as TV Man plays an endless amount of programming in front of him...)

Brain Bot: ...O-pruh...O...krur...grah...

The End


Classi Cal as .....
Spark Chan
Raijin as .....
Psycho Magnet as .....
Hadrian Howell as .....
    Nightmare as .....
Lennon as .....
Kenta (Kassidy) Eigen as .....
Gauntlet as .....


Blyka's Door
E-Can Factory
MM BN Chrono X
MM PC Website
Protodude's RM Corner
Reploid Research Lavatory
RM AMV Station
RM EXE Online
RM:Perfect Memories
Sprites INC