Series 8 Issue #1 - New Guys

By Gauntlet (Shadowman)

It's been almost three months since the Mechanical Maniacs formally rejoined the Robot Police Department. At the moment, they are still shy two members in their eight member team. But that doesn't mean they've been inactive! Not one for excuses, the overbearing chief of robot police Crorq still sends them on assignments too dangerous for regular cops (although he sometimes sends them on beat jobs just because he can). Currently the team of robots is almost finished repelling another Scissor Army strike force from blowing up an Energen plant on one of the many levels of the multi-faceted city...

Shadowman: Keep on going, guys! They seem to be dying down.

Topman: Really? (huff puff) thank the robot gods!

(Spark Chan blows away a Scissor Joe before it shoots Topman with its assault rife.)

Spark Chan: That may be so, hun, but don't let your guard down. There's still a lot of these guys left!

Scissor Joes: Kill now for Elysium awaits!

Snakeman: Same old crapola. (Shouting) YOU DO REALIZE THAT GENERAL CUTMAN'S DEAD, RIGHT!? NO MORE ELYSIUM! THE WAR'S OVER!

Scissor Joe: Our founder may be dead, but the war's far from over, traitor.

(The Joes in the immediate area are all dispatched by the powerful reflective force of Geminiman's laser.)

Geminiman: Says you. And who do you think you're calling traitor? He wasn't the one brainwashed into joining your absurd army.

Scissor Joe: We fight for all robotkind. All robots who oppose Elysium are traitors to our cause and deserve deactivation!

(This Joe too is destroyed, this time by a multitude of piercing spike-shaped bullets.)

Needlegal: There's no sense talking to these drones. Just keep blasting them away.

Shadowman: (Over the radio) How's the situation inside, Plug?

Plugman: I've got the reactors stabilized. We're in the clear!

Concreteman: The Sterling Sentinels have got this covered, Mechs. Even without Galaxy or Splash, we're a force to be reckoned with!

Shadowman: Glad to hear it, guys. It looks like the last of these guys are teleporting in retreat. I think we're done here. Good work, team.

(The Mechanical Maniacs and the MM9 team, the Sterling Sentinels teleport back to RPD headquarters. After a brief check-in to the repair bay, Needlegal and Spark Chan have lunch in the mess hall...)

Spark Chan: It's just not the same without Kenta.

Needlegal: Or Hadrian. (Sigh) Is there any word from either of them?

Spark Chan: No. They've fallen off the face of the Earth.

Needlegal: Well, both of those guys were very private people. I keep hoping to see one of them walk through the door like nothing happened.

Galaxyman: There's a homeless guy hanging around out front. Why not recruit him?

(The two girls whirl around and glare at Galaxy.)

Needlegal: That's not how it works! We don't just pick up anybody!

Galaxyman: Really? Didn't you guys used to hold membership drives and that sort of thing?

Spark Chan: No way!

Needlegal: Well...we don't do that sorta thing anymore. Not for a long time, actually.

Galaxyman: Really? Because I think I'd be a great Hardman!

Spark Chan: You!? Hardman!?

Galaxyman: What? Can't I be Hardman?

Needlegal: You're already Galaxyman! And you're already in the Sterling Sentinels!

Galaxyman: Ever heard of moonlighting? If you had a Hardman that was also Clownman, I don't see why there can't be a Hardman that's also Galaxyman. Aw, you guys are no fun! Come on! If I was a part of the Mechs I'd stop getting crap assignments like being a space garbage man!

Plantman: Come on, cleaning up the environment is important!

Spark Chan: Plant? Where'd you come from?

Plantman: I couldn't help overhearing...look, those things have to be picked up. I know it's not a glamorous job -

Galaxyman: Let Junkman do it! He'd love it!

Plantman: He disappeared along with most of the other Wily robots, you know that.

Galaxyman: Well, then let Garbageman do it. He's my bro! It'll be great!

Plantman: He's never worked right. He'd probably try to eat you. Dustman's helping you, isn't he?

Galaxyman: But he's so stuffy!

(Spark Chan and Needlegal try to sneak away as Plant and Galaxy talk, but Galaxy spots them.)

Galaxyman: Hey! Remember what I said about Hard! If you can't find anyone, I call dibs!

(Spark and Needle manage to escape.)

Needlegal: Geez! Just who does he think he is!?

Spark Chan: I know! Our team, our rules! I miss the days when it was just us and those Sinister Six jerks hanging out around here. We hated each other, so all of us just kept out of each other's way. But the Sterling Sentinels, World's Strongest, and Cossack's Creations are all hanging out here now...I swear if Tomahawk tries to hit on me again I'll tear off his headdress and shove it down his throat!

Needlegal: Wow, Sparks! What happened to pacifism?

Spark Chan: I can only be pushed so far.

Needlegal: When Crorq wanted to make the main RPD units more international I thought it was a great idea. But everyone is just getting in each other's way here! We need a bigger base.

Spark Chan: At times like this I really miss the Technodrome. Or the Ark. But it could be worse, couldn't it?

Needlegal: You're forgetting our meeting with Crorq in an hour. It's about to get worse.

(An hour later...)

Shakeman: Your barbecue ribs shake is ready, sir!

Crorq: FINALLY! (snatches the shake away from the eager Shakeman)

Shakeman: And may I say what an honor it was to serve as your new executive assist-

Crorq: This beverage is just barely adequate! Shakeman! Do better!

Shakeman: (salutes) I will, sir! You can count on me!

Crorq: Now go away! This meeting is too important for the likes of you!

(Shakeman leaves)

Snakeman: Poor Shakeman. He doesn't know what he's gotten himself into.

Crorq: Shakeman is the least of your concerns. Your team is showing a lack of efficiency lately and I - the mighty CRORQ won't allow it!

Shadowman: We just haven't found the right people to fill the Magnet and Hardman spots.

Crorq: (Humph) Since when are you so discriminating? There's a homeless man hanging outside headquarters, you know.

Needlegal: We know!

Topman: A homeless man, eh? Hm ...

Crorq: Don't even think about it.

Topman: But you brought it up!

Crorq: You really do have no standards, do you? Since I obviously can't count on you, I found you the replacements myself!

The Maniacs: You what!?

Shadowman: First you force us to fire Hadrian and Kenta and now you're assigning new members?! What gives you the right!?

Crorq: My position as Chief of Police gives me the right. I'm in charge of who makes it onto the force, not you! And need I remind you of the kind of person you picked the last time you were left in charge of choosing your own members?

Shadowman: (mumbling) Kenta worked out, didn't he?

Crorq: He could barely hold it together! Well, no more of that. This time I've handpicked the best replacement possible. Why, he's so good he can fill both positions at once!

Shadowman: Wait, what!?

Snakeman: Both positions at once? No, Crorq, these things are done a certain way and -

Crorq: SILENCE! Mechanical Maniacs meet your new teammate! Mesmerman!

The Mechs: WHAT!?

(Mesmerman floats down from under Crorq's large desk and assembles himself together.)

Mesmerman: Greetings, my mechanical friends! Maybe now we can have that chat?

Shadowman: GET THAT GUY! DON'T LET HIM SAY A WORD, JUST ATTACK!!

Mesmerman: Of for -

(Mesmerman bursts apart as a Gemini Laser heads his way. He isn't given time to recover. Using a great deal of electricity Spark Chan freezes a number of his orbs in place and Topman spins more through the walls and out of the room.)

Crorq: What do you...

Snakeman: We have him on the ropes, guys! Don't stop!

Mesmerman: You know, not letting a guy talk--

(Out of nowhere Mesmerman's scythe rips through both Spark and Top. His Orbs, now free, pummel Shadowman while he mentally attacks the remainder of the Mechs, forcing them to the ground.)

Mesmerman: --IS DOWNRIGHT IMPOLITE!!

Crorq: Well handled, Mesmer. (Crorq stuffs a bag of popcorn into his mouth and chews audibly).

Mesmerman: I live but to serve.

Geminiman: (Getting up and shuddering with effort) What. The. HELL, Crorq!?

Crorq: That's the question I should be asking all of you! This damage is coming out of your pay, Mechs!

Needlegal: This is insane even for you. You get rid of Kenta because he's uncontrollable and Hadrian because of a threat and then ... you invite Mesmerman!?

Crorq: And what of it? Mesmerman has proven himself reliable on many occasions. I'd think you'd at least remember his heroic actions during General Cutman's war.

Mesmerman: (Grabbing both Needlegal and Snakeman by the shoulders and making his friendliest grin) Now team, I know we've had our differences, but if we all work at it, I'm sure we'll make this a time to remember!

* * *

(Later, the Mechs manage to ditch Mesmerman as he begins to entertain World's Strongest by juggling his own various orbs. They meet in their own part of RPD HQ.)

Snakeman: The scrambler field is on.

Spark Chan: What the hell is going on here!? Crorq's power mad, but he's not stupid. He'd never let Mesmerman onto the team!

Geminiman: My lady, this is Mesmerman we're dealing with. I'm afraid he's gotten to Crorq. It's the only explanation.

Topman: I think that much is obvious. But is anyone else creeped out that it looks like he got to every other member of the RPD too? World's Strongest was actually chuckling at his jokes! Don't they remember the war at all!?

Shadowman: That was years ago, these guys are probably newer models.

Topman: Still! You'd think they'd have heard of that mass murdering lunatic!

Snakeman: I'm more interested in how he's managed to do this. Even during the war he didn't take control of such a large group without any effort.

...

Spark Chan: I have no idea.

Geminiman: Nor I. He's nowhere near as powerful as he was during the War and yet he seems to be doing more than what he was ever capable of.

Topman: Look, does it even matter how he's done it? The question is: what do we do about it?

...

Topman: Anyone?

(As the Mechanical Maniacs ponder their dilemma, deep below the various levels of Monsteropolis, close to the very bottom, their old enemies Omniman and Golemman crash in their small, isolated flat in a low-rent robot neighborhood.)

Golemman: We did good today. Got much money!

Omniman: If you say so, Golem.

Golemman: What wrong? Need foot rub again?

Omniman: No, not today.

Golemman: Will puppet show cheer Omni up?

Omniman: No a - a what?

Golemman: Puppet show.

Omniman: NO! Golem, are you really satisfied with this? Being goons for hire for whichever gang will pay for us? The Evil Eight used to terrorize the city!

Golemman: Heh, Omni has funny way of counting.

Omniman: You know what I mean. We used to be somebody and now the other Wily robots won't even talk to us. I know they're up to something but nobody will return my calls! Not even Expressman. I thought we were friends he and I.

Golemman: Omni know what Omni need?

Omniman: What?

Golemman: Puppet show.

Omniman: Ugh!

(At that moment the phone rings and Omniman answers it. His excitement rises sharply as the person on the other side explains the job he wants him to do.)

Omniman: Golem! We have work!

(The next day the Mechanical Maniacs go to Tim Horton's and try to get Energen coffee.)

Some Person: OH MY GOD! IT'S MESMERMAN!

Some Girl: Isn't he supposed to be dead!? What's he doing here!?

Some Person: Run!! Run for your lives!!

(Someone breaks the window and everyone inside the store stampedes out as fast as they can. The team turns towards Mesmerman.)

MesmerHard: We're in luck. No line!

(The Mechanical Maniacs can only stare as Mesmerman floats towards the counter where an employee stands petrified.)

MesmerHard: You're still here! I have to say I am impressed with your work ethic.

MesmerMagnet: Now, we'll have two Double Doubles and a doughnut each. I will have a double chocolate by my companion here will have a...plain.

(MesmerHard gives MesmerMagnet a look and MesmerMagnet just shrugs.)

Employee: ... (faints.)

MesmerMagnet: ...Well! This place really isn't measuring up. How about we try Starbucks next?

(Later, at the RPD...)

Snakeman: (Typing) Case File 10 for today... used Search Snakes to control crowd of citizens fleeing in terror from our new member (members?). We tried to prevent more incidents by throwing a sheet on him, but it didn't quite work. Case File 11 for today. While under the sheet, Mesmerman -

MesmerMagnet: Whatcha doin', Snake?

Snakeman: ...Writing a report on the incidents we experienced while going to work today.

MesmerMagnet: Why?

Snakeman: Because we have to write up a report every time we use our weapons and we were all forced to use our weapons several times just on our way to work.

MesmerMagnet: Why?

Snakeman: Because there was no other way to control the crowd.

MesmerMagnet: Why?

Snakeman: Because they're afraid of you and, as a technical member of the team and the RPD we're obliged to keep you safe and keep the peace.

MesmerMagnet: Why?

Snakeman: Because Crorq will have our asses if we don't treat you like a member of the team

MesmerMagnet: Why?

Snakeman: BECAUSE HE'S A GOD DAMNED ASSHOLE WHO HATES US, OKAY!? LEAVE ME ALONE TO WRITE MY FUCKING REPORTS YOU PSYCHO!

...

Crorq: (From inside his office) THAT INSUFFERABLE INFIDEL! HOW DARE HE SPEAK THAT WAY ABOUT ME! I WILL HAVE HIS HIDE FOR MY SHOES! SHAKEMAN, CALL THAT FOOL INTO MY OFFICE IMMEDIATELY!! I WANT TO CRUSH HIM UNDER MY BOOTHEEL!!

Shakeman: (Over the intercom) Will Mr. Snakeman please report to Crorq's office? He would like a word with you.

Snakeman: God damn it.

MesmerMagnet: Okay I love you buh-bye!

(And later ...)

Plumb: Is it true the nefarious Mesmerman is alive?

Shadowman: No comment.

Plumb: Sir, the people have a right to know! If one of the greatest robot criminals is still alive then...

MesmerHard: Hi there! Can you guess my name?

Plumb: Oh no! He's - he's here! What is he doing here!?

MesmerHard: Hee hee hee! Haven't you heard? (floats up and hovers in repose) I've joined the Mechanical Maniacs!

Plumb: What!?

Shadowman: He has not!

MesmerHard: I'm one of the good guys now!

Plumb: One of the good guys!?

MesmerHard: Yesssssss, one of the boys in blue! A real hero! Why I hardly kill anyone anymore!

Plumb: "Hardly!?" Uh...uh...

MesmerHard: Get it? Come on, that deserves at least a chuckle, right?

Plumb: Oh...I get it. Ha ha (can I leave now?)

MesmerHard: Leave? Why would you want to leave? Aren't I your way to a Pulitzer Prize? But first I have to ask you a question.

Shadowman: I don't think that's a good idea.

Plumb: Just asking couldn't hurt, could it?

MesmerHard: I was just wondering why you never acted on your dark impulses to kill your rival reporters. Without them around you'd be number one. The only choice in a job market oversaturated with younger, more advanced would-be TV personalities. After that first kill the rest become sooooo easy. It can even be fun! I know the thought has -

Shadowman: Okay, that's enough!

MesmerHard: Okay, boss! Toodles! Hee hee hee! (Floats away)

Plumb: Kill them all...

Shadowman: I'm going to have to place you in protective custody.

(After the day is almost halfway over...)

Shadowman: We can't keep on going like this! We have to take him down!

Crorq: Nonsense! He's a member of the team now and a fine upstanding citizen.

Topman: We have to constantly stop him from influencing people to commit atrocities!

Crorq: *fshhhhzzzzztt* An atrocity or two certainly couldn't hurt anyone.

Needlegal: And what about how this makes you look? Having a criminal just running around the RPD makes you look like a fool!

Crorq: That *fshhhhzzzzztt* INFIDEL! *fshhhhzzzzztt* is no criminal. He *fshhhhzzzzztt*MAKES A FOOL OUT OF *fshhhhzzzzztt* represents the finest robot society has to offer and *fshhhhzzzzztt* I'LL GRIND HIM TO *fshhhhzzzzztt* a new level with a promo - *fshhhhzzzzztt* promo - oh, I'm not feeling so good. SHAKEMAN!

Shakeman: Yes, sir!

Crorq: I need a Pepto Bismol shake. I think that burrito is disagreeing with me...

Shakeman: Right away sir!

Snakeman: ...What the hell was that!?

Spark Chan: Crorq has a very strong personality. I think he knows deep down that he's under Mesmerman's influence.

Crorq: What were we talking about again?

Geminiman: We were discussing Mesmerman.

Crorq: Mesmerman!? What about Mesmerman?

Geminiman: That - that we don't want him on our team and that we need to go after him.

Crorq: What!? Mesmerman's on your team!? What in the name of the robot gods were you thinking!? I knew you people had no standards, but the new recruits I've arranged are almost ready! Don't you DARE -

Shakeman: Your Pepto Bismol shake is done!

Crorq: Don't interrupt me! (throws the shake right in Shakeman's face.)

Shakeman: S-sorry boss!

Topman: So you honestly don't remember -

Crorq: Now listen here, Mechanical Maniacs. You need to stop screwing around! I don't know what you were thinking recruiting that grinning menace, but -

MesmerMagnet: Did somebody say my name?

Crorq: *fshhhhzzzzztt* Mesmerman! How are you finding your first day?

MesmerMagnet: Delightful! But, um...I may have accidentally talked Brightman into committing suicide.

Crorq: That's...*fshhhhzzzzztt* fine! Kalinka Cossack can restore that walking punchline.

Snakeman: But aren't you worried that Mesmerman's making a fool out of you!? Can't the "super computer" remember that he was the number two enemy in the War!?

MesmerMagnet: I was hardly "number two"!

Crorq: *fshhhhzzzzztt* Mesmerman was a *fshhhhzzzzztt* ENEMY! *fshhhhzzzzztt* hero! *fshhhhzzzzztt* INFIDEL! HOW DARE *fshhhhzzzzztt* you become a valued *fshhhhzzzzztt* CRUSH YOU! *fshhhhzzzzztt* promote you! *fshhhhzzzzztt* need that Pepto Bismol shake after *fshhhhzzzzztt* AND WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT I SHALL *fshhhhzzzzztt*

...

All: ...

Crorq: A problem has been detected and Windows has been shut down to prevent damage to your computer. The problem seems to be caused by the following file: CRQMEM.SYS If this is the first time you've seen this stop error screen, restart your computer. If this screen appears again, follow these steps: ...

MesmerMagnet: Oh my! It looks like he crashed. I didn't know Crorq ran on Windows.

Geminiman: It does explain a lot actually - DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT! You've clearly brainwashed everyone on the RPD!

MesmerMagnet: Gemini, that's unusually paranoid. Might you be turning evil again?

Geminiman: No, I'm not turning evil again!

Shakeman: Uh, guys?

MesmerMagnet: I COULD help you turn evil you know. I mean it's not like it's hard -

Shakeman: Guys?

Shadowman: Shakeman, can't you see we're about to clobber a mass-murdering psycho? What is it?

Shakeman: Well, uh...Crorq just got this memo. There's an assault on the robot prison. Golem, Omni, and Artilleryman are trying to break out the prisoners. It sounds pretty serious.

MesmerMagnet: Oh goodie! My first real assignment with the team! LET'S MESS 'EM UP, MANIACS!

Topman: ...what?

MesmerMagnet: I thought that could be our new battlecry. What? No good?

(At the robot prison...)

Golemman: PUNY POLICE FORCE NO MATCH FOR GOLEMMAN!

(Golemman rips through a line of robot guards.)

Policebot: Damn it, where are our reinforcements!?

Omniman: Whoever you called, it won't help! We'll finally have eight members again! And what members! Bizarro Shadowman...Super Chaos...General Cutman! All of them are within our reach and ready for recruitment!

Artilleryman: Yeah, sure. Lemme know how bossing around General Cutman goes (if he's even in there).

(Artillery fires his Long Tom Cannon at a group of police cars. They explode, sending the outgunned robots screaming in every direction.)

Artilleryman: Ah-hah! I've missed this. Even though I've done enough off-the-books jobs for the RPD over the years, I'm at my best kicking the shit outta them.

(The Mechanical Maniacs suddenly arrive on the scene in a large truck. They smash into Omniman as his back is turned.)

MesmerHard: LET'S MESS 'EM UP, MANIACS!

Omniman: You sucker-punching...is that Mesmerman?

Policebot: It - it is Mesmerman! The war hero, he'll save us all!

Policebot 2: What!? Do you even know who that is!?

Policebot 3: I-I'm not getting paid enough for this kind of heat! Lemme outta here!!

Spark Chan: That's an interesting set of reactions.

Golemman: Omni...what do??

Omniman: I-uh...I...Mesmerman! Join us!

Artilleryman: What!? Are you out of your mind!?

Omniman: Think of it! With our power - TOGETHER! - we can bring this world to its knees!

MesmerHard: But I'm already Hardman AND Magnetman on the Mechanical Maniacs. And on top of all that I'm still me.

Omniman: So what? Ever heard of moonlighting? If they had a Hardman that was also Clownman, I don't see why there can't be a Hardman that's also Mesmerman that's also Magnetman that's also Warman. You'd make a GREAT Warman!

(Mesmerman's scythe comes from out of nowhere and slashes Omniman.)

MesmerHard: No, I don't think so.

(Golemman knocks away a spinning Topman and ploughs through a shooting Needlegal as he rushes towards Omniman.)

Golemman: OMNI!!

Needlegal: Geez, that guy has thick armor.

Shadowman: But can it withstand the fury of an oversized ninja star?

(Shadowman throws a Shadow Blade right at Golemman's head...where it promptly deflects off doing no damage.)

Shadowman: Oh! Well, I guess it can, then.

Golemman: Puny robot no get in Golem's way!!

(Golemman rips a piece of the wall out of the robot prison and throws it at Shadowman. It seems to hit Shadowman, but the image simply fizzles away.)

Shadowman: (Striking at Golem with his Shinobigatana) Too bad, that was a hologram - aw, the sword didn't work either?

(Golemman grabs the nimble robot master by the foot and tosses him aside like a rag doll.)

Snakeman: He's a whole lot more durable since we last fought him, isn't he?

Geminiman: But a lot less intelligent. And no match for a true master of the video game realm.

Snakeman: Video game...what??

Geminiman: An old story. Never mind. Forget I mentioned it.

(Golemman once more knocks an attacking Topman aside as he tries to make his way to Omniman, who is still fending off the Mesmermen's attacks.)

Golemman: OMNI! Golem come to Omni! Golem come!

Geminiman: Were I a lesser robot master I'd make a wisecrack right about now.

Topman: I could do it!

Spark Chan: Top, hun, don't make me shock you.

(Geminiman fires a laser at the rampaging robot, actually slowing him down.)

Golemman: UAAAAGH! Golem break shiny robot!

(Golemman charges at Gemini, but a Laser hits Golemman from behind. He whirls about only to be hit by yet another shot from another direction. Several Geminimen circle around a very confused Golemman.)

Geminiman: Am I here? Or am I behind you? You'll have to guess which one is the real me if you hope to ever beat me!

Golemman: Golem...dizzy...

Omniman: Golem! Where are you!? Come to my aid!

Golemman: OMNI!!

(Golemman roars and smashes the ground, causing all the Geminimen to go off balance. He strikes at the nearest one, getting a lucky hit on Geminiman, sending him flying. Golemman rushes to Omniman only to find...)

Golemman: TWO Omnis!?

Omniman: I'm the real Omniman! Get him!

MesmerOmni: No, I'm the real Omniman! Get him!

Golemman: Golem...confused.

Spark Chan: Mesmer, aren't you on our team?

MesmerMagnet: It's called moonlighting. Look it up!

MesmerHard: I decided that I did want to be on the Evil Eight, just not as Warman!

MesmerOmni: But as Omniman!

(MesmerOmni strikes at Spark Chan.)

Needlegal: What the @#$%!?

Golemman: Ohh! Real Omni attack Mechs!

Omniman: Wait, what!?

(Golemman knocks Omniman across the parking lot and into a far away truck.)

MesmerGolem: Sorry, but no!

(MesmerGolem crashes into Golemman and knocks him off his feet.)

MesmerGolem: I've decided I can be Golemman too!

Golemman: T-two Golems!? Golem not understand...

MesmerGolem: You're really not bright, are you?

(Just across the way, Mesmer Omni keeps attacking Spark Chan.)

Shadowman: Damn it, Mesmerman, what the hell!?

MesmerOmni: I'm not your teammate in this body! I'm Omniman! Rar! Look out, I'm pathetic and dangerous!

MesmerMagnet: But this really won't do. None of you are really fighting me the way you should be...

MesmerShadow: So, from now on I'll take over! LET'S MESS 'EM UP, MANIACS!

MesmerGemini: Right!

MesmerSnake: We're with you, boss!

MesmerSpark: Tee hee! I can be the girls too!

(The Mesmermen all fight together, causing all sorts of destruction in the area. The Mechanical Maniacs, Omniman, and Golemman can only stare as Mesmer takes over both parts of the fight.)

Spark Chan: Uh...should we do something about this?

Snakeman: He seems to have things well in hand.

Geminiman: Does anyone else think we're forgetting something here?

(At that exact moment there is a large explosion from within the robot prison. The Mechanical Maniacs stare as the building rocks from even more blasts.)

Shadowman: Damn it, Artilleryman slipped past us while we were distracted!

(Everyone rushes towards the smouldering, gaping hole in the side of the building where sounds of gunfire can be heard.)

Geminiman: No you don't, big guy!

(Geminiman shoots at Golem to block his way.)

Snakeman: You won't get past me either!

Omniman: We'll see about that...Evil Eight! Together!!

Snakeman: But there are only two of you.

Omniman: SHUT UP!!!

(The rest of the Maniacs rush into the fire just in time to see Artilleryman punched through a wall.)

Artilleryman: Damn it. It looks like the cavalry's arrived.

Shadowman: Who's out there?

Magnetman: Only the new sheriff in town. And his trusty deputy.

Hardman: I AM NOT YOUR DEPUTY!

Artilleryman: You're gonna be molten slag!

(Artilleryman fires another round from his Long Tom Cannon. Hardman takes it head on, but as the smoke clears from the massive explosion, he's still standing.)

Hardman: Didn't feel a thing.

Topman: Are you kidding me!? Didn't feel it...you look like you've been through Hell!

Hardman: You have no idea.

Snakeman: Wait, isn't Mesmerman supposed to be our new Magnet and Hardman?

Magnetman: I don't know much about this Mesmerman guy, but both of us are your new partners. The boss never mentioned any Mesmerman.

Topman: Obviously these guys were in development before Mesmerman brainwashed the RPD to let him onto the team.

Hardman: I'd really like a chance to rip that Mesmer guy apart.

(Magnetman whips out a gun as Artilleryman tries to sneak off.)

Magnetman: Not so fast there, hombre!

Artilleryman: Heh. Damn, I really thought I could slip out of here.

Magnetman: I'm bringing you in. No funny business now. I think it's fair to warn you that I'm a really good shot.

Artilleryman: "Good shot"? I'm ARTILLERYman, damn it!

(Artillery lets loose with a barrage of attacks. Magnetman raises his hand and stops most of the bullets in mid-air, but the exploding shells knock him off his feet. In no time, Artillery is in the air and he avoids Hardman's knuckles and Spark Chan's Spark Shots.)

Hardman: That slimy...

Shadowman: So you're our real new Magnet and Hardman, eh?

Magnetman: Dat's right! Although I don't think you can call Hardy here "new."

Snakeman: Guys! Omni and Golem just teleported out.

Shadowman: And Mesmerman?

Geminiman: He seems to have totally forgotten about us and is busy not only fighting himself as us and the Evil Two, but is also playing the part of several bystanders.

Spark Chan: Do we go after him?

Needlegal: I think he's fine as he is.

Snakeman: He's become so many people at the same time that his holograms are becoming transparent. It's obvious he's overextending his powers. If we ignore him I think he'll just go away.

Magnetman: Then it sounds like the job's done. Come on, guys. Let's mosey on back to the boss.

Hardman: "Boss..." hrrrrgh.

(The Mechanical Maniacs all teleport back to RPD headquarters and meet up with Crorq...)

Crorq: Mesmerman was part of your team? You people really have no standards.

Snakeman: YOU put him on the team! Don't you remember?

Crorq: NO!

Snakeman: He infected you! It gave you glitches. You ordered a Pepto Bismol shake to try and clear it up! And then you tossed it in Shakeman's face!

Crorq: I remember...the Pepto Bismol shake...

Shadowman: (Whispering) Obviously everyone forgets about Mesmerman when he's not around. We'll talk about this later. For now, drop it.

Crorq: Aside from your nonsense, I see you met your new recruits.

Magnetman: Glad to be on the team, guys.

Topman: Look, big yellow, this is not gonna fly. You don't get to just pick people to be part of our team!

Magnetman: Now hold on there, partner. Your team? This is the RPD's team under Crorq here.

Topman: Listen, new guy-

Magnetman: No, YOU listen! I can see you don't like the boss, but here's the thing - he's THE BOSS. Sure we're a team...but there's a bigger team to think of. The RPD. You're not some sort of...freelance heroes, getting to do whatever you want. You're the law around here and, like it or not, part of a bigger picture.

Crorq: I could not have said it better myself. Well said, Magnetman!

Magnetman: Let's just try to get along.

Topman: ...

Crorq: And, besides... aren't you glad to see your old friend? Shouldn't I get a "thank you, master" for bringing back your old ally, Ben?

All: Ben!?

Shadowman: Ben...is it really you in there?

Hardman: ...unfortunately.

Topman: Woah! This is fantastic!

Spark Chan: But wait, Ben was corrupted by General Cutman. The last time I saw him he was...disturbed.

Hardman: I was a nuke-addicted psycho. Just say it. We're all thinkin' it.

Spark Chan: And you blew yourself up! You couldn't have survived all that!

Hardman: I didn't. I finally had peace.

Crorq: You have none other than I to thank for your friend's revival! It's true, his systems were beyond repair...of any normal person. But you are looking at a SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUPER COMPUTER!

Hardman: Uuuuuuuuuugh.

Crorq: I think you now know why we're cleaning up the debris in space. Not for any idiotic tree-hugging reason Plantman may believe, but it was to locate your fallen comrade here. It was true, he was in a very sorry state when I found him. Even his CPU (which, as you know, is heavily fortified) was burnt out. However, my ample resources allowed me to reconstitute his core persona. Using a similar method, I accessed the essence of what remained in his double's burnt-out CPU, the one once known as "Fireman", and merged the two. I found and replaced all personality components that were corrupted by General Cutman with the Fireman components and merged all memory files into one master personality core. Thus: Hardman was reborn!

Hardman: You should have just let me drift. How long has it been?

Crorq: Over 15 years.

Hardman: I guess even the Warriors are gone now...

Crorq: Yes. Wily too.

Hardman: Everyone I knew is dead.

...

Shadowman: Not me, though.

Spark Chan: or me!

Geminiman: I am also well, although we never really got to know each other.

Needlegal: And why, exactly did you go to so much trouble?

Crorq: No reason! I mean...it's not like he was ever Magma Dragoon with in-depth knowledge of the future or anything. (Moron.)

Snakeman: So, wait...who's Magnet then?

Magnetman: I'm just myself!

Snakeman: So, what? You weren't some sort of desperado before being turned into a robot master?

Magnetman: Nope.

Topman: A being from another dimension?

Magnetman: Uh, no.

Spark Chan: Do you have a mysterious past?

Magnetman: Nah.

Geminiman: Are you another refugee from the video game universe?

Magnetman: Say what?

Snakeman: Tell me you're not that homeless man who hangs around headquarters!

Magnetman: NO! No, I'm not any of those things. I'm Sheriff Mags and that's all I need to be! I'm not...some random hobo or an extra-dimensional alien or...any of those things. And I wasn't "turned into a robot master" I am 100% robot and proud of it!

Topman: Oh! Well...welcome aboard, Magnet.

Magnetman: Why would you even think I'd be any of those things?

...

Topman: No reason.

MesmerHard: Oh my...I got a little too caught up in all that fun. Generating all those holograms was more taxing than I thought.

MesmerNeedle: And everybody just left!

MesmerTop: RUDE!

MesmerSnake: Well, I guess things turned out all right...

MesmerNeedle: And we learned something too...

MesmerSpark: That being a girl is disturbingly fun?

MesmerNeedle: NO!...Okay, yes, but that's not all. We learned that, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em! We've been fighting the Mechs for so long that they just attack us all now without even listening to our theatrical speeches or playing along with our elaborate manipulations. You'd think they don't like us or something!

MesmerSpark: True. So true.

MesmerNeedle: But as a member of their team they can't help but follow along with anything I decide to do! Hee hee, I wonder what other things I can get away with right under their noses...

MesmerShadow: I disagree!

MesmerNeedle: Well, of course you would.

MesmerShadow: This entire exercise was a waste of time! We were running around causing petty annoyances without doing anything significant. We have to keep our eye on the ball, people!

MesmerSnake: It's not all about the big, gory, splendid magnificence of our...what was my point again?

MesmerShadow: We need a grand plan! Something to sow terror into the hearts of all!

MesmerSpark: Maybe I could convince you to go along, Shadow? (Winks seductively)

(All the Mesmermen fizzle out as their power finally runs out and Mesmerman's true form steps out from behind a car across the street.

Mesmerman: Well, until my mind finally unsnaps, I am...Mesmerman! FWA HAH HAH HAH HAH!

The End

Cast:
Classi Cal as .....	Spark Chan	Raijin as .....	Snakeman	Psycho Magnet as .....	Needlegal
Ben as .....	Hardman			Nightmare as .....	Topman
Lennon as .....	Geminiman	Sheriff (Kassidy) Mags as .....	Magnetman	Gauntlet as .....	Shadowman