By Geoff (Sparkman)
Deep in the Wily Underground, in the Androids' hideout...
Gyroman: Change the channel already, Gravity! This episode's a re-run!
Gravityman: Well, I'm sorry. I'm not all caught up yet.
Starman: You've seen this episode last Monday! Surely, even YOUR memory isn't THAT rusty!
Gravityman: I don't remember any of it!
Gyroman: Well, stop falling asleep through it! What's the point in binge watching anything with you if you're not even going to be conscious for it?!
(Napalmman throws one of Crystalgirl's crystals just over their heads).
Napalmman: Pipe down, cheesedicks! We just put Chargetard down for his nap!
Crystalgirl: What the hell are you watching, anyway?
Gyroman: The only channel we can pick up down here!
(Gyroman points to a smoldering TV set, with flames burning inside it)
TV: SNAP CRACKLE FWOOSH.
Napalmman: You're shitting me, right? I know you are.
Gravityman: Well, until Comcast runs a cable down to an abandoned subterranean city, it's all we've got.
Starman: And I must admit, it truly does grow on you once you give it a chance! Hmhmhmhm. You see, that flame and that ember have been lovey-dovey sweethearts ever since the Winter Snowball...
Gyroman: But what the flame doesn't realize is that ember cheated on him with that smoldering coal. But that's good news for crumbling ash, who's had her eyes on the flame since junior high-
Gravityman: AH! Spoiler alert! I told you, I'm not caught up yet!
Starman: (elbows Gyroman) And I do believe I was telling the story!!
TV: CRACKLE CRACKLE FWOOSH!
Gravityman: Agh! Now I missed something, thanks a lot, Gyro!
Napalmman: This is fucking pathetic. Even for us.
Crystalgirl: The sad part is, I'm starting to get intrigued.
Starman: Ooh, it gets even more sordid! Hmhmhmhm, yes...We even didn't tell you about the subplot between the burned circuit board and the scorched glass. Such a troubling story. You see, the scorched glass is trying to get the circuit board hooked on-
Crystalgirl: Hey! Don't spoil the whole thing for me, now!
Gravityman: Thank you!
Starman: What did I say about interrupting me?!
Napalmman: Okay, if I have to listen to another word of this, I swear to god, I'm putting on a nature show.
Gyroman: Ha! I'd like to see you try, Asshat!
(Napalmman squashes a rat and throws it into the burning TV. Its squashed carcass starts to sizzle and char).
Gyroman: Damnit. Now I'm learning things. You suck!
Crystalgirl: Yeah! I was starting to get into that!
Napalmman: Damnit, I'll be damned if I have to listen to this shit all evening. Everyone, get off your ass. We're going for a walk. It's pretty fucking obvious we're not getting out enough.
Gravityman: A walk around where? The filthy abandoned city half a mile underground with nothing but empty, crumbling buildings as far as the eye can see?
Napalmman: There's the waterpark in the sewers!
Starman: It's closed. Haven't you heard?
Napalmman: Since when?!
Starman: Since Waveman disappeared, of course.
Napalmman: Still?! Where the fuck did that giggling, tittering pile of piss run off to?
Starman: How should I know? Hmmmmm??? Personally, I thought he was having a war journal/adventure outside of our own. Didn't he do that a lot in the war?
Crystalgirl: Has anyone gone looking for him?
Gravityman: Have you?
Crystalgirl: You don't have to get snippy. I was just asking.
Napalmman: Well, we can't have the waterpark without him! He pretty much IS the whole fucking water park!
Gravityman: Then you look for him.
Napalmman: Screw that! Stone, you go get Settlers of Catan for us!
Starman: When did we get that?
Gyroman: Doc Robot gave us his. That copy machine Napalm and I swiped yesterday meant the world to him.
Crystalgirl: He gave us a board game? For a copy machine?
Napalmman: He's been asking for one for months.
Crystalgirl: ...Seems like he should've given us more for a copy machine.
Napalmman: It's the 18 and over edition, dumbass.
Crystalgirl: HOT DOG!! Why didn't you open up with that?! Stoney, go get it for us!
(Crystalgirl looks in a corner and sees a pile of rocks snoring loudly, unresponsive to their requests).
Napalmman: Ugh, is he still asleep?! What the fuck's gotten into him these days?
Crystalgirl: It happened around the same time Waveman disappeared. Don't ask me why. Stoney, get up!
(Crystalgirl impatiently fires her crystal eye into Stoneman's rubble. The rebounding laser does no damage to Stoneman's control spheres, but are still enough to jolt him awake).
Stoneman: Ahhhh!! I'm going, I'm going! You don't have to yell.
(Stoneman rummages through the shelf, but turns back to the group shrugging his shoulders).
Stoneman: Uh, guys? I can't seem to find it. You sure we got it?
????: Oh, I'm afraid we won't be playing that tonight.
Crystalgirl: Wave? Is that you? Give us back the game.
Starman: I assure you, tonight's the last night Napalm makes that insipid 'wood for sheep' joke.
Napalmman: Don't make promises you can't keep, Tinkerbell.
????: Hmhmhm. I think not. I'd rather play a different game. As we speak, there are four pathogens scattered across the world that will soon spread like wildfire. Unless you can stop it, of course...Fufufufu...
Napalmman: Why the fuck would we do that?? Go ahead and kill those meat-covered bastards! Kill them twice! See if we care!
Gravityman: I beg your pardon, but we've worked too hard to kill the meatsacks just to let some punk upstage us like this. If anyone's destroying humanity, it'll be us.
????: Harharhar. I highly doubt that. That's not how the game is played. Seeing as this the only game you can play, I'm afraid you have no say in the matter. Hrmhrmhrm. Harharhar! Krakrakra!!
Gyroman: Krakrakra? Harharhar?? What kind of a stupid laugh is that?
Gravityman: Clearly his is an evil laugh.
Gyroman: Whatever. It's even more annoying than Raychel's adlibbed screaming/moaning/orgasming.
Napalmman: Don't remind me of that.
????: Enough! I will not be ignored! For I am holding all the cards! I am your greatest nemesis! Your worst nightmare! Your apocalypse on legs!
Stoneman: Our greatest nemesis? Vulcan, is that you? Don't you have better things to do than steal our board games?
????: I am not Vulcan!
Napalmman: Oh, fuck me. Is Torchman riding our asses now? Listen, shit for brains, nobody believed you when you said you were the original Mega Man 3 team, nobody believed you when you said you were the original Sinister Six! Nobody's going to believe your ass if you say you're the original Mega Man 5 Team!!
????: No!! Not even close!
Gravityman: Oh. Diveman? Are you and Napalmman still having collateral-damage fueled pissing contests?
Stoneman: Well nothing's exploded yet, so I'm guessing not.
????: Indeed!! Grrrr! Think harder! Think back to your distant past!!
Starman: ...Our oldest villain...? Oh!! Of course!! Of course! Scarecrow! Now that you've escaped prison*, you're back to settle unfinished business between us! How could we forget? Where are my manners?
Crystalgirl: Hey, yeah! I almost forgot about that!
*See Season 9, Making Friends Part 3
Starman: Really?? Hm. Well, that was my last guess, I'm ashamed to say.
Gyroman: Mine too.
????: Impossible!! How could you forget me?! The onion in the ointment! The portabella mushroom in your burger! The chocolate milk served with your pizza!
Napalmman: That last one actually sounds pretty good.
Crystalgirl: You really are a sick bastard.
(A masked, gray-clad figure leaps out from the shadows, landing in front of the Androids.)
Arch: Your ARCHnemesis!!
Stoneman: ...Why is there a gray lanky shyguy flexing in the middle of our living room?
Napalmman: Really? I just assumed Wraithman got a lot wimpier since we last saw him.
Crystalgirl: Hey, lay off him! I think he's kind of cute.
Arch: Cute?! I am not cute!! And how could you all forget me?! You may have changed your faces, you may have joined the Scissor Army to escape my wrath-
Gyroman: That is so not why we were part of the Scissor Army.
Arch: -Either way, I never lost sight of you!
Stoneman: ...Do we know you from somewhere? Captain, help me out. Was this the guy who killed Gyro in Baghdad?
Gyroman: No, that was Plantman and some random marine corporal. Thanks for bringing that up, pal.
Gravityman: ...Maybe he's one of the guys Naop tried to rescue in Johannesburg?
Crystalgirl: I dunno. Somehow, I think this guy is mistaking us for someone else.
Arch: There is no mistake! Other than the fatal one you made tonight!! And now that I have you trapped, I shall have the revenge I waited thirty years for!
Gravityman: By stealing a board game and threatening to wipe out millions of people we want to kill anyway? Indeed, you got us in a corner.
Starman: How do those plans go together, might I ask?
Arch: HA! You haven't changed at all Starman! Always failing to see the bigger picture!
Starman: I've barely even spoken to you, you ingrate!
Arch: As I was saying, now you are forced to play a game of MY choosing! Namely...
(Arch dramatically covers himself in his cloak, and then he opens it revealing...)
Stoneman: ...The Pandemic board game?
Napalmman: Oh, for the love of-You didn't really unleash a bunch of superviruses?! You were just pitching the premise for this game the whole frigging time?!
Gravityman: Yes, way to get our hopes up.
Starman: I apologize, but I still don't grasp how he thinks he's won.
Gyroman: I still don't grasp why we haven't shot him yet.
Crystalgirl: Why? He's harmless. If anything, Asshat pisses me off more than this guy does.
Napalmman: Good. Then I'm still doing my job.
Arch: Harmless?! Don't you see?! You thought you were going to play a competitive board game where only one could emerge a victor! But instead, you were forced to play a cooperative game where all share victory! Your hopes, your dreams, your expectations for this evening have been shattered! Mwahahahahaha!! KARHAHAHAHAHAH!!
Stoneman: Uh-oh. A game we can only win by cooperating with each other? Maybe he really does have us in a corner.
Gravityman: Technically, it's a 2-4 player game. There's seven of us here. His “evil” plan (if you could call it that) is for nothing.
Arch: Ah, but that is why I have...(throws his cape again and pulls out another box) THE EXPANSION! Now all of us can play! There's no escape for you this time!!
Gravityman: He's right. He's got us where he wants us.
Gyroman: Seriously, Napalm. You're like the most angry, violent one of us here. You once blew up a vegan restaurant when you found out your burger was nothing but a cooked mushroom. Why not this gray little turd?
Napalmman: Well, there are worse ways to spend a Saturday night. Tinkerbell, read up on the rules. I'll hand out the job classes.
Crystalgirl: I want to be the medic.
(A few hours later...)
Napalmman: ...Alright, now that Gravity has handed me the last of the black cards, I can whip up a cure for the black disease...
Gyroman: ...And that was the last disease we needed a cure for. Now we can just wipe out all the infection cubes in any city on our turns.
Starman: How fortunate. It was only a matter of time before one of us had the dreaded misfortune of drawing another outbreak.
Stoneman: Wow...We actually won...?
Crystalgirl: Wow. We actually worked as a team...?? Without screaming at each other...?
Gyroman: There was a first time for a lot of things tonight.
Gravityman: We're playing another round, right?
Napalmman: Hell yeah! Everyone, throw your job cards on the table, I'll shuffle some new ones out.
Starman: Ahmhmhmhmhm!! Well, that was most delightful. Much thanks to you, for bringing this by, my dear random shyguy/Wraithman person. You won't object if we keep this for ourselves, would you?
(Arch just stares in disbelief as he watches the Androids actually enjoy the game).
Arch: This cannot be! I had you checkmated! I foiled your plans for this evening! How can you still be having fun?!
Stoneman: What's he mad about? I thought he won the game with us. Or do I not know the rules of the game?
Napalmman: You think THIS ruined our evening?! HA! You should've seen the night Chargetard's boiler sprung a leak in the middle of a room escape!
Crystalgirl: To be fair, we spent a lot of time just getting him IN the room. And I'm still not clear how or even WHY we did it. I felt your pain and frustration on that one.
(Arch angrily flips the table on Napalmman as he hands him his job card).
Arch: This isn't over! I'll have my revenge!
(Arch storms off in a huff, slamming a door behind him).
Napalmman: Well, if Arch is out, we're going to need a new dispatcher.
Starman: Hmph. No matter. He left the game behind. I say it's ours.
Crystalgirl: I hope he brings Splendor next time he shows up.
(The next afternoon, the Androids return home following another day of raiding and hijacking various goods for the Underground).
Stoneman: Wow, you weren't kidding, Asshat. Those surface raids aren't as much fun as we thought they'd be.
Crystalgirl: And Gravityman and Starman were every bit as useless as you said they'd be.
Gravityman and Starman: (sitting in a corner, singing along with a boombox) Youuuuuu...You got what I neeeeeed!
Chargeman: Buuuut you saaaaaay heee's juuussst a frieeeeend....!
Napalmman: Whatever. The day's over. We got enough energen crystals to feed three of us.
Crystalgirl: Four, if we don't feed Chargeman.
Napalmman: That was if we don't feed Chargeman.
Crystalgirl: ...Wow...I'm so depressed for you, I'm surprised you haven't shot yourself yet.
Napalmman: So am I.
Chargeman: Yooouuu saaaadd?? You let Charge belly go gurgle gurgle...! And laugh! And point! Charge saaaaad...And huunnnggrrryy...
Arch: HA! Your troubles are just beginning!
(Suddenly, Arch drops in front of the Androids, blocking their path!)
Arch: Hahahahaha! There's no escape for you this time, Starman!
Gyroman: Look Arch, if you want to play Pandemic with us, that's great. But can you give us a chance to get home first and clean up? We had a long day.
Arch: I think not! Last thing I'd do is let you go, now that you're cornered and at your breaking point! My plan can't fail this time!
Stoneman: ...Okay, guess we're playing it now. Can I have the researcher this time?
Crystalgirl: Actually, did you bring Splendor? Tell me you brought Splendor.
Gravityman: Where are you getting these games, anyway?
Chargeman: You plaaaaay Spendor and Pancakedemic without Charge...? Charge sad even moooore...
Arch: Ha! The time for games is over, foolish Starman!! (Pulls out a bazooka)
Starman: ...Pardon me, but I have NOT even addressed you yet. What grievances could you possibly have against me?
Napalmman: Fuck that! That little gray flexing shit is armed!
Arch: Taste my wrath!!
(Arch fires at Starman before the Androids can retaliate!)
Arch: Direct hit!
Stoneman: No!! Star!!
(A wrapped-up package bounces off Starman's head, landing at his feet).
Starman: Grrrrrr...Why you little-! What did you hit me with?!
Gravityman: A t-shirt gun?
(Napalmman kneels down and unwraps what Arch shot at Star.)
Napalmman: ...It's a sandwich...It's a friggin' cucumber sandwich...!
Arch: And there's more where that came from!!
(Arch continues to bombard the bewildered Androids with more cucumber sandwiches, which bounce harmlessly off their advanced armor).
Arch: HAHAHAHAHAHA!! Bow before my might!!
(Napalmman shrugs and takes a bite out of his sandwich.)
Napalmman: ...It's actually pretty good.
Gravityman: (takes a bite) Yes. It's still fresh. Freshest thing I've had in a while.
Crystalgirl: (finishes her sandwich) Mmmmm, cream cheese, mayonnaise, garlic powder, onion salt and Worcestershire sauce...I haven't had any of those in a long time!
Gyroman: Yep! Best dinner I've had since coming back online!
Arch: This! This cannot be! You animals!
(Arch backs away in horror, his mouth hanging wide open, as the Androids gorge themselves on the sandwiches).
Arch: How was the specter of seeing a live cucumber sandwich not enough to make you sick to your stomachs?! I could barely look at them, and I prepared them!
Gravityman: Actually, yes. I thought you hated veggies, Napalmman. If your portabella burger was any indication, of course.
Napalmman: Screw you, you section 8 dipshit! I like cucumbers fine!
Arch: And that mayonnaise wasn't even real mayonnaise! It was soy and dairy free! It's not even real food anymore! Just like the meat Arby's uses!
Crystalgirl: Really? Wow. If I had allergies that needed catering to, I'd be impressed. The mayonnaise was the best part of the sandwich.
Napalmman: Actually, now I've got a hankering for Arby's. I say we raid one right now. Who's with me?
Stoneman: Can we do it tomorrow? I'm still working on my sandwich.
Gyroman: Yeah, put me down for tomorrow, too. Can't get enough of their roast beef sandwiches!
Napalmman: You and General Cutman both. Good. We've got a plan!
(Arch breaks his gun over his knee and backs away from the Androids).
Arch: You may have won this battle! But I ALWAYS win the war! Just you see, Starman! I'll have my revenge!!
(Arch runs off into the shadows, shaking his fists).
Starman: ...Sigh, would someone KINDLY tell me what I did to him? If there is anything I do not enjoy, it's the nagging feeling I'm missing something.
Gravityman: I got a lot of questions about that sad, strange little man. But that's not one of them.
(The Androids shrug and go back to eating their sandwiches. Gravityman starts going through the bazooka for extra sandwiches before Napalmman smacks him).
Napalmman: Damnit, Section 8! Finish the sandwich you got before going for seconds!
Chargeman: (eating sandwiches) Yum yum! Charge belly no gurgle gurgle! Charge happy!
(Napalmman angrily snatches the pile of sandwiches Chargeman was working on and gives them to Gravityman.)
Chargeman: Charge saaaaaddd...
(The next day, the Androids are all out on the job, raiding another energen crystal shipment).
Concreteman: We've got you this time, Androids!
Stoneman: (grappling with Concreteman) Are you as tired of these guys as I am?
Gyroman: (blasts Galaxyman with sidewinders) Somehow, it's even more tedious than fighting the Comrades.
Napalmman: (bombing Hornetman) At least Diveman and I taught each other new swear words! I can't even get some girl-on-girl action between Crystal and Splash Woman!
Crystalgirl: (showering Plugman with crystal shards) Yeah, and you never will.
Splash Woman: (zaps Stoneman with a Laser Trident) That's one thing we agree on...
Starman: (blasting Plugman with Star Crash) I told you all this fight would be over by now if we had brought Charge with us. But did you listen? Oh noooo, of course not.
Napalmman: Yeah we did. Remember?
(Napalmman points to Chargeman as he stampedes the other end of town).
Chargeman: RAAAAAAHHHHAHAHAHH!! Charge take Argentina Crystals!! Screaming Tank Man will be happy! Charge will be happy!!
Hornetman: ...He really can't tell the difference between a truck hauling energen crystals and the Wienermobile?
Napalmman: At the very least, the bawling retard's bringing home dinner for the next few nights. Oh, right. (Raises launchers) Now where were we?!
Arch: The part where you meet your DOOM!
(Arch jumps in the fray, holding a paint gun!)
Napalmman: Not a good time, Arch! We're working right now! (gets hit with Jewel Satellite)
Arch: You've made a fool of me for the last time, Starman! This time, I shall have my revenge!
Starman: (narrowly dodging a Blackhole Bomb) For the last time, I've done nothing to you! Yet! Quit pestering me!
Arch: I was hoping it wouldn't come to this! But if I can't strike against you, then I shall strike back at the people you've sworn to protect!
Gyroman: (gets blown aside by a tornado) We haven't sworn to protect anybody! In fact, the opposite, actually!
Arch: Silence Starman!
Starman: I didn't even say that!
Arch: You recognize this paint gun?! It's the same paint gun I used to turn the city blonde about 30 years ago, bending the whole city to my will! And now I'm going to do the same thing all over again! No one can stop me!!
Splash Woman: That makes absolutely no sense!
Crystalgirl: Yeah, seriously. Sorry Arch. I like you and all. But that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. And I have to listen to this windbag all day (points to Napalmman).
Napalmman: You know what? You can go ahead and shoot her first, Arch.
Arch: My pleasure!
(Arch nails Crystalgirl with his paint gun, turning her blonde!)
Crystalgirl: Okay. NOW I'm pissed! You're one dead little emo Keebler Elf thing-
Napalmman: Actually, you look pretty fucking hot!
Crystalgirl: That means nothing coming out of you, you pig!
Stoneman: Actually, he's not wrong.
Gyroman: I'd say so.
Concreteman: I'm impressed.
Splash Woman: ...Okay, now I might...Swing the other way for you. In a comfortable environment. There, I said it.
(Crystalgirl stops to admire her reflection in one of her crystals. She smiles and tosses her hair back).
Crystalgirl: Huh. It is a good look for me!
Hornetman: Any chance you can do Splash, too?
Splash Woman: I prefer strawberry blonde, if you've got it.
Arch: No! No! NO!! Why won't you people take me seriously?! Is it because I don't have my henchman with me anymore?! Or is it-
Napalmman: Look, Arch. Not that you'll ever here me complaining about getting us free sandwiches, board games, and a blonde Crystalgirl-
Arch: Silence! This is between me and Starman!
Starman: Not that anyone is clear as to why...
Napalmman: ...But we've got work to do. So get the hell out of our face and let us do our fucking job!
(Napalmman barrels through a barrage of Magma Bazooka shots, Laser Tridents, and Jewel Satellites and pins Hornetman to the wall!)
Napalmman: What kind of dumbass cop brings a beehive to a firefight, anyway?!
(Hornetman fruitlessly struggles as Napalmman bombs him repeatedly with Napalm Bombs!)
Hornetman: AAAHHHH! AHHHHH!!!
Napalmman: Burn, you little bee-filled bitch!
Arch: Whoa! Stop! What are you doing??
(Napalmman repeatedly bludgeons the burning Hornetman as he flails helplessly in Napalm's grasp. Even after he goes limp.)
Arch: Stop! STOP! Please!! He's already dead!!
Crystalgirl: Oh, he'll be fine. RPD will patch him up in no time. You should've seen what he looked like when Gravity got him.
Gravityman: Heheheh. Never saw a red and honey flapjack before that...
Arch: Wh-what do you mean by that?!
Crystalgirl: Oh, just what we always do.
(Using her control over gems, Crystalgirl takes control some of Jewelman's satellites, shatters them and flings them into Plugman's face).
Plugman: AHHH!! My eyes!!
Arch: AAAHHHH!! AHHHH!!! WHY??!
Crystalgirl: Jesus, Arch. It's not like I plunged the crystals into YOUR face. Get a grip.
(Arch's head shakes in disbelief and his lips shake in terror as the crystals form a hook that goes through his jaw and pulls him into the air!)
Arch: Stop! Stop!! Please! Just let him die!!
(Arch turns around just in time to see Tornadoman getting bombarded with minigun fire and sidewinder fire from Gyroman, covering Arch in some of his fluids).
Gyroman: This time stay dead! Can you do that?!
Arch: Oh sweet lord! Not you too, Gyroman!!
(Suddenly, Chargeman smashes through a building in front of Arch and runs over him. The titan's feet narrowly missing Arch as he huddles on the ground, covering himself, as Chargeman stampedes over Magmaman.)
Chargeman: THEEEERRE YOUUUU ARRRREE!!!
Arch: OH NO!! CHARGE IS OUT OF CONTROL TOO!
Gyroman: Oh please. He's where he's supposed to be for a change. If anything, he's having one of his better days.
Arch: AAGGGHH! Stoneman! Gravityman! Don't tell me you guys went crazy, too!
Stoneman: (beating Concreteman with his own arms) Sorry, what?
Gravityman: (getting hit with a Blackhole Bomb) AHAHAHAHA!! Oh, how exquisite! Yes! Oh, Arch!! You've got to try this!! It's HEAVEN!!
(Arch's face turns pale as a sheet Gravityman rips off portions of his own face. He covers his eyes. However, Starman pries his hands off).
Starman: Beg your pardon, but since you seem to be such a fan of my work, I figure you wouldn't want to miss this, would you?
Jewelman: AGGGHH! IT BURNS!! IT BURNS!!
(Starman overwhelms Jewelman with his Star Crash. The super-heated hydrogen melts Jewelman's face and eyes off his skull, leaving a scorched husk. Arch drops his paint gun and runs from the orgy of violence.)
(Much later, at Walkman's, Arch is sitting on barstool, hunched up, rocking back and forth uncontrollably.)
Arch: ...It...It-it-it was just...Just...Hell...The blood...The screaming...The torture...Their sadistic laughter rising above it all...I-I-I just can't...
Bubbleman: Yeah, you don't really want to watch those guys for very long. They're kind of sick.
Arch: Sick? SICK?? Those psychotic, death-worshiping monsters are looking at 'sick' in the rearview mirror! He was peeling his face off...HIS FACE!
Crashman: Yeah, Napalmman does that.
Arch: NO! He-he was peeling HIS OWN FACE OFF!!
Crashman: Oh. Yeah, Gravityman does that.
Arch: HOW DOES THAT NOT BOTHER YOU?! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!
Heatman: Really, it's nothing they haven't done before.
Arch: Haven't done before...? ...What-What's happened to them?? When did they get so violent and scary?? It-It's like THEY'RE the villains now!
Woodman: Spoilers: they are.
Arch: But-butbutbut! They can't be the villains! I'M the villain!!
Flashman: Buddy, where have you been? They were the Scissor Army's genocidal siege engine. Berlin, Johannesburg, St. Petersburg, Cossack's Citadel, Kuwait, Baghdad? They bagged and burned them to ashes. Or at least the better part of them. And you know what? They'd probably do it again, if they could.
Metalman: For no other reason then to watch them all burn.
Arch: No!! You-you're lying!
Airman: And those bots they were killing and mutilating? They were cops. Some of RPD's best and brightest.
Arch: ...I'm going to be sick...
Quickman: And that's saying NOTHING about them as people. You don't even want to know what they're into. Even individually, they're a house of horrors.
Arch: ...How....How am I supposed to compete with any of that?! It's not fair!
Heatman: You can't. You shouldn't. And they don't want you to. Don't even try.
Bubbleman: Certainly not with cucumber sandwich launchers or yellow paint guns.
Crashman: By the way, if you shoot us with those again, we are going to kick your shyguy ass, regardless of what Napalmman and Crystalgirl say.
Arch: I'm not a shyguy!
Quickman: Plus, I don't think they're the Mega Man 5 team you're after. And before you ask, I don't know what happened to them. Nobody does. They were gone even before the war started.
Arch: You're kidding me! If they're not even my Mega Man 5 team then... Then I don't even have a purpose in life anymore!
Quickman: (shrugs) Looks that way.
Arch: Why are you being so mean??
Flashman: Look. We're a bunch of robots built to help a mad scientist take over the world. And we don't know you. I don't know what sympathy you're looking for out of us.
Arch: What??? Even you guys are bigger villains than me...?
Crashman: Yep. Pretty much everyone down here is. Except the Mechs, but nobody likes them.
Woodman: And the Sinister Six, but nobody takes them seriously.
Arch: ...Less than me...?
Crashman: Ha! Don't kid yourself.
Arch: Sniff...Sniffsniff...Ev...Everything I did...It was all a joke...! A big fat, stupid joke!!
(Arch buries his face into his arms and starts sobbing uncontrollably.)
Woodman: If it makes you feel better, I liked the cucumber sandwiches. Can't remember the last time we all had fresh produce.
Bubbleman: There was that moldy onion.
Woodman: Oh yeah. Fun times.
Arch: It doesn't make me feel better!
(Arch keeps sobbing away, much to the Dream Team's irritation.)
Metalman: Stop your bawling. You're going to get PC Waveman worked up.
Arch: ...Would...Would that make me evil...?
Metalman: No. Just annoying.
(Arch sobs even louder as Napalmman enters the bar).
Walkman: Oh good. You started your shift just in time. Somebody needs to be shown the door. (glares at Arch.)
Napalmman: Arch?? There you are! I've been looking all over for you! We lost you sometime around the point Crystalgirl removed Plugman's spine and played it like a guitar.
Napalmman: ...She dedicated the song she was playing to you.
Napalmman: ...It was Freebird.
Napalmman: ...What's wrong? The whole team's been tearing the city apart trying to find you!
Arch: Figuratively or literally?
Napalmman: (shrugs) Who cares. Same outcome in the end.
(Napalmman has a bemused, slightly apologetic look on his face as Arch somehow sobs even louder).
Napalmman: ...Was it something I said...?
Walkman: He's bummed out because he wanted to be your archenemy. And you're better at being evil than he is.
Napalmman: ...He think's he's being our archenemy...? ...Well, it would explain why he calls himself Arch...
Arch: Really?! That's all you noticed about me?! It's true! You guys are so evil, you make me look like an amateur! And I was doing my best, too...!
Napalmman: ...How could we ever hate you? We do worse things to each other on a daily basis. Especially after the war ended. We mostly stick together because we hate everyone else more...Most everyone else, anyway.
Arch: Stop! I know what you're about to say! But I'm not supposed to be your friend! I'm supposed to be your enemy! Only I'm not! I'm the villain for a team that doesn't exist anymore! Not that it matters! Even if they were around, you'd be better villains for them than I was!
Napalmman: The hell we're better villains! Look at where we are, Arch!
(Arch looks up as Napalmman points all around him).
Napalmman: You really think any of us would be down here with all the fucking trash if we were still the cutting edge of genocide and mass murder?!
Crashman: Hey, who are YOU calling trash?!
Napalmman: Butt out, Crash! Your ass is already on thin ice for picking on Arch! Listen Arch, we tried ripping this world and our worst enemies a new asshole, too! And guess what? It all went tits up for us, too! How do we think we feel?
Arch: ...You're just saying that to make me feel better...
Walkman: No. If anything, he does the exact opposite. And laughs about it. While shooting you in the face.
Napalmman: ...Thanks, Walk. I can handle this. Look, bud. You may've lost your team. But we lost an entire army. A fucking empire. The eight, well, seven of us (if and when Wave gets back from wherever the fuck he went) are all that's left. Don't let that massacre make you think we're somehow better bad guys than you. It's just a remnant of better days that have gone by. Every one of us has come to terms with it. Even me.
Napalmman: Okay, so you didn't bring your worst enemies or the world to its knees. We know how that feels. But...Having you around gives us a reason to smile again. Especially Crystal. That really means a lot, because when she's smiling, we're all smiling.
Arch: ...She...She really does...? ...Smile more...around me...?
Napalmman: Look. We're having another board game night once I finish my shift here. We just got Shadow Hunters, and Gravity thinks he can modify it so that we can play with a custom deck with our own characters. Crystal's even working on the artwork for the new cards. It should be done by the time we get back. It can take eight players. I know Crystal would definitely smile if you showed up.
Napalmman: My shift's going to be done in a couple hours. Think it over.
(Napalmman pats Arch on the back and rolls out to the front of the bar to take his spot).
Napalmman: And if you can, bring some more cucumber sandwiches and whatever yellow paint you used on Crystal. She wants to stock up for the next month.
Walkman: It's nicer than anything he's ever said to...Anyone. Ever.
Woodman: It's the longest he's went without cursing, too. I'd take it and run.
Arch: Can I...? Can the Mega Man 5 team I swore to destroy...Be my friends...?
(In an abandoned building next door, some shadowy figures watch the exchange through a window and binoculars...)
????: Bah! I told you he'd go soft on us!
????: Nobody ever argued with you.
????: Well, we don't need him anymore. We never did. He kept them busy enough for us to find what we need.
????: I don't think your plan is much better.
????: Silence! It has more potential than any of Arch's ridiculous plans!
????: That's not setting the bar very high.
????: At least with my scheme, we'll have superior numbers!!
????: I'll grant you that we'll have greater numbers, alright. I'm still not sure how much superiority they'll be bringing.
????: THAT'S the superiority they'll be bringing!
????: It still stings!!
????: You want more? There's plenty to go!
????: Fine! Fine! Your plan works too!
????: Oh ho. Trust me it will. Once the Androids fall, the rest of the has-beens and wannabes down here will fall before us! And once they do, the rest of the surface world will be ours, too!
????: If you say so. I'm just in it to get even with Starman and his smug lot.
????: Of course, that's part of the plan too!
????: Wait, how many of us are talking?
????: It's just two of us, right?
????: Sir, I have the coffee you asked for.
????: Oh, HELL no.
????: HA! That'll teach you to confuse me!!
????: Wait, did I hit the right person? It's so dark and mysterious here, I can't really tell.
????: I told you we should've taken over a hideout with a working light switch.
(Even though our (designated) heroes narrowly survived an encounter with their worst enemy yet, their troubles are far from over! Will Arch accept Napalmman's invitation? Who are these sinister figures that conspire against the Ascendant Androids? What do they have in store? Where did Waveman disappear to? Will they ever play the coveted 18 and over Settlers of Catan?? The answers to these questions lie in the thrilling conclusion!)
To be continued...