By Geoff (Sparkman)
(The Wily Underground is under siege! Some more of the greatest villains Mega Man 5 teams have ever faced have returned! Including Darkman and the nefarious Paper Cutman, who has assumed the rank of General Paper Cutman! The Androids have vanquished Darkman once and for all, but General Paper Cutman has used him as a distraction to Xerox his army from a copy machine Napalmman and Gyroman gave to Doc Robot! Only the Ascendant Androids and Arch can stop General Paper Cutman from achieving what the real General Cutman never could! World domination! Right now, General Paper Cutman is standing on the roof of the WRF's office, rallying his troops!)
General Paper Cutman: My minions! My children! Today is the dawning of a new era! Those who do not fall before us will bow to us!! Go forth and seize what is rightfully ours-
????: Yooooouuu...You got what I neeeeeedd....
General Paper Cutman: Errr...Uh. Those who do not fall before us will bow to-
Paper Snakeman: You said that part already!
General Paper Cutman: I did? Where was I...Ah! Go forth and seize-
????: But you say he's just a friend...! But you say he's just a friend!!
General Paper Cutman: -Go forth and seize our rightful destiny. No, our rightful-!
????: OHH BABY YOOOUUU!!! YOU GOT WHAT I NEEEEEEEDD!!
General Paper Cutman: Okay, whoever's playing that, turn that off this instant!
(Suddenly Gyroman swoops down, holding a boombox playing Biz Markie!)
Boombox: I just got onstage drippin', pourin' with sweat! I was walkin' through the crowd and gues who I met?
General Paper Cutman: What on earth?!
Gyroman: Here. Hold this, dickhead. (Drops the boombox into a bemused General Paper Cutman's hands)
General Paper Cutman: As much as I hate this song, you really expect it to-
(Suddenly, Chargeman bursts through a building, scalding hot coal and ash erupting from his smokestack!)
Chargeman: DON'T EVVVVEERR TALK TO A GIIRRRRLL WHO SAAAAYYYSS SHE ONLY HAS A FRIEEEENNDD!!
(Chargeman instinctively runs towards the boombox, trampling through scores of paper soldiers. Those he misses are incinerated by the burning ashes and coals.)
Paper Multiman: AGGGGGHHH!!! IT BURNS IT BURNS!! AHHHHHH!!
Paper Geminiman: NOOOO! Burning to death while listening to bad rap!
Paper Shadowman: I know. It's the shittiest way to die ever.
General Paper Cutman: GRRRRRR!!! Is this all you got, Androids?! Biz Markie and a rampaging, blithering idiot?!
(The Ascendant Androids and Arch are all riding on top of Chargeman, underneath a crystalline umbrella Crystalgirl fashioned. They all simply smirk back at him.)
Crystalgirl: Works okay for us.
Napalmman: And this is like the first time this berserk retard has had a chance to turn the tide. Don't take it away from him!
Chargeman: Yooooouuu teelll hiimmmm!!
General Paper Cutman: HA! I have yet to unleash my ultimate weapon! A being of infinite mind and power!
Arch: Oh no. You don't mean-You can't possibly-
(A large shadow falls over Chargeman and the Androids!)
????: That's right Arch! I have returned! And now vengeance shall be mine!
Napalmman: Oh, fuck me. Here we go again with this anonymous villain shit!
Arch: This isn't a joke, Asshat! This is far worse than you realize!
Stoneman: Who is it?
(A towering Numberman looms over the Androids!)
Numberman: Numbers are infinite! And my strength lies in numbers! That makes my power INFINITE!!
Gyroman: ...I don't think that's how it works there, buddy.
Numberman: Challenge me! And find out!!
Arch: Don't do it, guys! It's a trap! The odds are in his favor!
Crystalgirl: No really. I think even Charge knows that's not how math works.
Chargeman: I dooooo...? Oh, yeaaaahhh...! I do! Yaaayyy! Charge learn somethinnnnngg!!
Arch: ...No! I can't let you put yourselves at risk! Somebody has to keep the torch of villainy burning bright. And clearly, that job falls to you.
Napalmman: What the fuck are you worried about?! We're kicking his pansy ass!!
(The Androids are bombarding Numberman with ease, blowing holes in his chest and his face!)
Numberman: Cosine of 8.3431! The square root of the tangent of 8! Divide by zero!! Why aren't these slowing you down?!
Arch: ...I know now what I must do. Good bye, my fellow villains!!
(Arch jumps off of Chargeman, landing on Numberman's shoulder!)
Napalmman: The hell are you doing?! Get out of the fucking way, Arch!
Numberman: HAHAHAHAHA! Do you still wish to keep fighting?! Odds are you'll hit your friend!
Gravityman: What are those odds, exactly...?
Numberman: ....Really, really high! Higher than you can count!
Chargeman: (whispering to Napalmman) ...Charge think he make that number up...
Arch: All the fancy numbers in the world won't save you now! Now you'll bear witness to my true power!
General Paper Cutman: Please! What are you going to do, throw a mushroom burger at me?!
Napalmman: Don't laugh! Those things are fucking disgusting!
Arch: Worse than that! I shall show you my true form!!
Gyroman: ...Arch has a true form...?
Crystalgirl: ...You learn something new everyday.
Chargeman: Yaaaaaayyy!! Youuu tooo??
Arch: Witness and despair....! Urrrgghhh!!
(Arch rips off his mask...Revealing nothing but darkness underneath! The headless body collapses into dark ashes that scatter into the winds. The mask floats in the air as it continues to talk!)
Stoneman: ...Okay, that's a little eerie.
Gravityman: I'll say.
Arch: Are you frightened yet?? You should be...Behold...!
(Arch's disembodied face turns black as it begins to grow and change features. Shifting into...)
Arch: MY TRUE FORM!!
Gyroman: Holy crap, dude!!
Napalmman: Jesus H. Christ!! What the fuck is that?!
Numberman: AHHHH!!!!! AHHH!!! What-what are you?!
Arch: I am a dire wraith, hailing from the Benzuli Expanse, where none live and none die! My kind seek to expand our boundaries of our universe into your world, purging time and space of the taint of all that is living! Only I was cast out! They thought I didn't have what it took to help carry out the Expansion!
Stoneman: ...What the hell is going on here...?
Gyroman: I dunno, but I just wet myself...
Crystalgirl: Me too.
Napalmman: Hold me.
Chargeman: WAAAAAAHHH!! Charge have nightmares! Again!!
Arch: ...But I figured if I brought back the souls of Earth's greatest heroes, they would have no choice but to welcome me back! But I suppose I'll have to settle for yours!
Numberman: N-no-no!! Pleeeeaassseee!!
Arch: What are the odds you think you'll live to tell about this?!
(Arch attaches himself to Numberman's face via a nest of dark writhing tentacles that burrow deep inside of his skull. The overgrown calculator's eye rolls over as he starts vomiting blood and god knows what else).
Stoneman: Dear god!! He just puked out his own brain!!
Gravityman: No, that was his liver-Oh, NOW he just puked up his brains.
Chargeman: I don't wanna watch! I DON'T WANNA WATCH!!
(Napalmman and Crystalgirl do their best to cover Chargeman's eyes as Numberman starts babbling incoherently, lashing and tearing at Arch's tendrils. But his hands only pass through the shadowy tendrils, and instead ends up tearing off chunks of his own face! Gyroman and Napalmman fire sidewinders and Napalm Bombs at Numberman, simply to put him out of his misery. But the quivering husk keeps babbling and screaming, not even noticing the mortal blows as he tries forcing his organs back inside of him!)
Paper Expressman: What's happening to him?! I can't watch!!
Paper Barrageman: Unit Numberman no longer alive. Now undea-undeaaa-
Paper Expressman: Huh?
Paper Barrageman: Unit Paper Barrageman can feel the madness taking hold just watching th-thi...this-
Paper Expressman: Dude?! What the hell is happening to you?
Paper Barrageman: l-la..La!! Lä! Iä Shub-Niggarauth! Lä! Iä Shub-Niggarauth!!!
(Paper Barrageman guns down Paper Expressman and several of his paper allies! Several more paper soldiers start succumbing to madness just gazing upon Arch's true form as they start attacking and mutilating each other and themselves, babbling all the while!)
General Paper Cutman: I'm not sticking around for this!
(General Paper Cutman tries to flee, but gets cut in half by a deranged clone of himself!)
General Paper Cutman Clone: The General is dead! Rip them clean! You have to help me!! (turns General Paper Cutman's gaze towards Arch!)
General Paper Cutman: No! Stop, you dickhead! You're going to-
(General Paper Cutman gazes upon Arch's true form and starts to babble to himself.)
General Paper Cutman: ...T-too...Too...Too alive...Too alive!! TOO ALIVE!!!
(General Paper Cutman starts ripping himself to pieces, screaming all the while. The Androids continue to watch in horror at the festival of madness all around them.)
Napalmman: Arch!! Please!! Just put the poor bastard out of his misery!!
Arch: I will end his suffering, only when it ceases to amuse me!! When all he knows is suffering, madness, and-
Napalmman: ARCH, JUST FINISH THE POOR SON OF A BITCH OFF! YOU'VE ALREADY PROVEN TO BE AS EVIL AS WE ARE!! JUST PLEASE!
Arch: Really?! I-I'm as good of a villain as you are? You mean it??
Crystalgirl: We're many things, but a liar isn't one of them! You're officially a hardcore villain!! Please, PLEASE put a stop to this!
Arch: Yaaaaaaayyy!! I'm a real villain now!! Oh boy, this made my day! And now I'll have something to remember it by!
(Numberman has collapsed on a pile of his own fluids and innards, spasming and twitching, still impossibly alive despite the ordeal. Arch's face pulls itself on top of Numberman's, muffling his screams as his body finally goes limp. Once it finally stops moving, it crumbles to ashes, which take the shape of Arch's familiar body).
Arch: So how was that guys? Was I really that awesome as a bad guy??
(The Androids are all stunned silent, except for Chargeman, who has curled up into a fetal position, crying and sucking his thumb.)
Arch: ...Guys? Are you okay?
Stoneman: ...Since...When...Could...You...Do that...?
Arch: What? It's nothing special. That's how everyone in the Benzuli Expanse acquires a new body. Isn't that how you got yours?
Gyroman: Yes!! Yes, of course it is!
Arch: Yeah, that's what I thought! Well, I'll admit Numberman wasn't exactly the soul I was looking for in order to win my way back into Azathoth's court, but I'm sure they'll be impressed with all the numbers I can crunch now! Oooh! I just figured out how to divide by zero while talking to you...!
Crystalgirl: ...You-you were originally out to harvest our souls...?
Arch: That's right!
Crystalgirl: ...By being our designated villain.
Arch: Well, I wouldn't be a hero if I were harvesting souls, now would I?
Crystalgirl: By shooting cucumber sandwiches and blonde paint...?
Arch: Can you think of a better way to wear down Earth's greatest heroes physically and psychologically?
Crystalgirl: And by Earth's greatest heroes, you mean Mega Man 5 team...?
Arch: Duh! Though, Torchman's Sinister Six was a close second.
Arch: Are you guys sure you're okay?
Gyroman: Uhhhh...Yeah! Yeah of course we are!! Why would you ask?
Arch: Because Crystalgirl isn't smiling. I thought I always make her smile.
(Everyone turns to Crystalgirl who puts on a desperate, wide-eyed, open-mouthed smile).
Crystalgirl: I'm happy! I'm smiling! See?? Aren't I smiling?? Of course I'm smiling!
(Crystalgirl holds her smile as best she can, fighting back tears.)
Arch: There we go! You have no idea how much your smiles mean to me!
Crystalgirl: Good! That's good! It's GOOD that you're happy!
Arch: Well, guys. It's been fun. But I think it's time to return to the expanse. The preparations for the Expansion are almost complete, so I can't afford to waste any more time. Thanks for being my friends!
Stoneman: The pleasure was...Ours...?
Arch: Glad to hear it! But don't worry! We'll be back! Very, very soon!
(Arch opens a portal, filled with formless shadows and tortured wailing and casually steps through it, leaving the Androids alone in a no-longer smoldering warzone littered with burnt, shredded confetti.)
Gyroman: ...So yeah. That happened.
Gravityman: I sincerely wish it didn't.
Crystalgirl: Those images will stay with me for the rest of my life.
Napalmman: Well, there's only one thing that can restore a sense of normalcy to this horror show. An Arby's roast beef sandwich!
Stoneman: Anything to get our minds off of this.
Chargeman: Waaaaiiit foooor me!!
(Later at Arby's, the Androids are desperately trying to drown their sorrows in hot, delicious, meat-filled sandwiches).
Stoneman: ...So has anyone had any luck blocking out the recent events that happened?
Chargeman: Whaaaaaatt evveeennnts...?
Stoneman: You know, Arch turning out to be harbinger of death and madness?
Chargeman: I thought we try to forget that! We no forget if you keep talking about it! DUHHHHH!
Stoneman: Oh, shut up.
Crystalgirl: Does anyone know where the bathrooms are?
Napalmman: To the left, just past the coffee machine-
Chargeman: Cooffeeeee machine...?!
(Chargeman gets up, smashing through the ceiling and runs over the coffee machine, stomping it to pieces!)
Stoneman: OH NO!! CHARGEMAN'S OUT OF CONTROL!!
Gyroman: Oh, man! After all the work we went through just getting him in here!
Chargeman: I goottt itttttt!! I gotttt ittt!!
Napalmman: Jesus, Charge!! What the fuck did that thing ever do to you?!
Chargeman: You saaaaaid it wheeeeerre naaasssty paper men came from!! That why we weerre looking for it! Did you forrrgettt?
Napalmman: The COPY machine, not the COFFEE machine-
Napalmman: OH FUCK ME!! WE FORGOT TO TURN OFF THE FUCKING COPY MACHINE!
Crystalgirl: WHAT?! Nobody took care of that damn thing?!
Stoneman: ...Guess we kind of forgot about it. You know. During the terror and insanity.
Starman: Well, this is just delightful! There has to be millions of those wretched paper robots swarming the Underground now! We're right back where we started!!
Waveman: Uggghhh, don't get me started on those paper guys. Those fuckers were assholes!
(The Androids spin around and see Waveman (the real Waveman) enter the bar behind them.)
Napalmman: When the fuck did you get here?!
Waveman: Sorry, I'm late. There was like a whole bunch of these annoying paper guys coming out of a Xerox machine, trying to give me paper cuts.
Crystalgirl: A Xerox machine?! Tell us you turned it off!
Waveman: Hell yeah! Quint and I got it covered!
Napalmman: Oh, thank fucking god!
Gravityman: Wait, you were with Quint the whole time?
Waveman: Yeah! We just got back from the future! You wouldn't believe the shit that went on there! All the robot masters were getting decommissioned, and there was this crazy powerful A.I. who made Gravity collapse inside his own black hole, and Stoneman sink inside the earth, and-
Gravityman: You don't have to go into details. We were just asking.
Waveman: By the way, what's with you guys? Why do you all look so retro? And dancing non-stop? Am I missing something here? Ah, you know what? Who cares. C'mere, Chargie!!
(Waveman starts nibbling on Chargeman's toes for no reason!)
Chargeman: OOWWEEE!! THAT ALMOST AS BAD AS PAPER CUT! ALMOST!
Stoneman: Heh! That's our Waveman!
Chargeman: Charge saaaaaddd...
(Elsewhere, inside Doc Robot's hideout, Quint is hard at work freeing all of General Paper Cutman's prisoners.)
Snakeman: So...Yeah. That happened.
Hardman: ...And our adventures have sunk to a new low.
Topman: I don't know what was worse, the flurry of paper cuts or getting stuffed in a barrel of lemon juice after General Paper Cutman was done Xeroxing us. What kind of madman would do that...?
Magnetman: Let's just not talk 'bout it. Only then can we pretend it never happened.
Quint: Well, it's over now. Be glad you guys have a friend like me.
Geminiman: I think "friend" is a rather generous term.
Shadowman: Yeah, that stings worse than the paper cut on my eye. My only uncovered eye!
Quint: You're welcome to crawl back inside, if you'd like. It's not like Waveman or any of the Androids were going to come back for you.
Shadowman: No, but we could always hope.
Sparkman: It would've been nice if I wound up in Crystalgirl's clutches while I was helpless. That might have been fun.
Needlegal: No, no it wouldn't.
Sparkman: Still on the bucket list.
Snakeman: On the bright side, General Paper Cutman got Torchman and the Sinister Six. As long as they stay trapped in their lemon juice barrels, then at least one good thing can come out of this humiliating experience.
Quint: Actually, they freed themselves just before Waveman and I arrived. It was all very action-packed.
Hardman: Damnit, we really can't catch a break.
Geminiman: Have we ever?
Snakeman: ...Well, everything turned out okay.
Needlegal: And we learned something too.
Shadowman: Not now, Needle. This spiel stings worse than calling Quint a friend.
Needlegal: ...We learned that paper robots are no laughing matter! We managed to take down Darkman, only to lose General Paper fucking Cutman! If we hadn't let down our guard, we could've won the day ourselves!
Sparkman: You were laughing at General Paper Cutman harder than anyone else.
Needlegal: And now I regret it! At least I didn't draw a penis on his forehead. Spark!
Sparkman: Oh yeah. That was funny.
Magnetman: Heheh, it was. It really was.
Topman: ...Well, until Spark doodles lady parts on General Cutman's forehead, we are...THE MECHANICAL MANIACS!!
(Fifteen years ago, in Desert Gulch...)
Napalmman: General...?? Why are you wearing a sombrero??
General Cutman: If you know what's good for you, don't talk about it.