Series 9 Issue #12 - Making Friends part 1
By
Gauntlet (Shadowman), and Geoff (Sparkman)
The Wily Underground: the lowest portion of the multi-leveled city of Monsteropiolis. There, outlawed robots make their home, including fugitives from the Robot Police Department - the Mechanical Maniacs. It's seen a lot more activity since the team has moved in, but this time the activity has little to do with them and everything to do with a new bar opening up!
Snakeman: I've never understood why bars seemed so appealing. Our lives seem to revolve around them in some way or another.
Topman: Eh, as long as the atmosphere's nice I'm good.
Magnetman: Actually this is a nice place, at least for the Underground.
(The bar's busy on opening day. Most of the Mechs' old frenemies have shown up...)
Sharkman: And then I gave Superman some of Plantman's special weed. He grew it under a red sun lamp! Supes got super high!
Flashman: No way!
Sharkman: It's true, yo!
Airman: Absurd.
Starman: No karaoke yet!?
Gravityman: Well, this place just got started.
Junkman: Uh ... I don't suppose you'd be willing to trade to settle my tab?
Waveman: No way. We don't have a bartering system here, Junk!
Expressman: Ante up boys! It's pay to play.
Quickman: Naturally.
Multiman: I don't see how you can possibly win every time.
Expressman: Dealer's luck? heh,
Magnetman: Mind if I pull up a chair, fellas?
Expressman: Go ahead.
Shadowman: This place has an impressive atmosphere. It's nice to know we can have a place like this without everyone fighting.
Napalmman: That's thanks to me! I'm partial owner and you better believe I won't tolerate any nonsense! Got it, Mech?
Shadowman: Uh, right.
Needlegal: Then who's the other owner?
Walkman: That'd be me. Fancy running into you guys again. Small world ain't it?
Topman: Walkman!
Geminiman: How's it going Walkman?
Hardman: Who?
Shadowman: I have no idea.
Walkman: What? You don't remember?
Snakeman: Shame on you, Shadow! He was part of the Ominous Octa! You remember them! Hardman (Hadrian, that is) made them when he was drunk and they dueled us (as you do). Mostly they were destroyed, but Spark (Classi, that is) remade and reprogrammed Discman into Walkman over here. *
(*It all happened in the Mechanical Maniacs Moments)
Shadowman: I don't remember ... any of that.
Needlegal: Typical.
Shadowman: What happened to them anyway? Walkman and the Octa and such?
...
Snakeman: That's besides the point!
Walkman: They just went their separate ways, some to that funky island of misfit robots. I wound up here and I thought "what would my good buddy Hardman do?" So I made a bar! And Napalm was nice enough to act as a bouncer!
Needlegal: Napalmman being helpful? That sounds unlike him.
Napalmman: (clearly audible from across the room) WE'RE NOT BARTERING!! GET OUT UNTIL YOU HAVE CASH!
(There's an explosion as Junkman is kicked out of the bar.)
Needlegal: Ah. I see.
Walkman: Well, have a seat, gents. There's plenty to be had.
(The Mechanical Maniacs mill about and eventually find a mostly unoccupied table.)
Needlegal: Mind if we sit here?
Kryptoman: Not at all. Feel free!
Snakeman: Hey, you're an unfamiliar face. That's rare, especially considering how many old friends have been rebuilt over the years.
Kryptoman: Don't I know it. I don't know anyone anymore! I drifted in a little while ago and have been trying to adjust. The name's Kryptoman. Maybe you've heard of me?
Back in Russia, the Comrades return to their Citadel, laughing it up and carrying back boxes of leftovers from Dave and Buster's.
Kalinka: Wow, I've never seen you guys so cheery. Are you still doing backflips over locking up Flippy in a loony bin?
Pharaoh Woman: Not quite, royal vizier! We have been feasting, telling tales of old, and enjoying the humble generosity of our benefactor, Crorq!!
Kalinka: ........
(Kalinka spontaneously whacks Pharaoh Woman with her shotgun and pins her down with startling ferocity!)
Kalinka: Of all the underhanded-! That's the last straw! I can't believe that tub of crap would have the brass to reprogram my robots behind my back!!
(Kalinka grabs a scalpel and puts it to Pharaoh's head.)
Kalinka: Stand still, Pharaoh!! This is for your own good!
(Before Kalinka can perform on-the-spot brain surgery, Dive and Dust frantically pull her off of Pharaoh)
Dustman: Easy, easy!! Crorq didn't lay a finger on us!
Kalinka: That's a lie!! Nobody in all of RPD History has ever said a kind thing about Crorq! Nobody!! What did he do to you?!
Skullman: If you don't believe us, we can easily prove it. Drill, who is more likely to alter our programming and force us to serve the intergalactic Illuminati: Crorq or Ringman?
Drillman: Trick question. John isn't a double agent for the Intergalactic Illuminati, He's a double agent for the Crab People.
Ringman: ...Was there any other way you could've made your point?
Skullman: Not nearly as effectively.
Drillman: What's the matter, John? Afraid that I'm onto you??
(Kalinka's jaw drops as she drops the scalpel and drops down on a chair, beside herself)
Kalinka: ...I don't believe it...It...It really is you guys...It's even worse than I expected....
Brightbabe: What, you were HOPING he turned us into mindless slaves...?
Kalinka: IT'S BETTER THAN FINDING OUT YOU'RE FRIENDS WITH HIM OUT OF YOUR OWN FREE WILL!! AT THE VERY LEAST, I COULD'VE BEATEN SOME SENSE INTO YOU!! FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, FIFTEEN YEARS AGO, HE EXPOSED SOME OF YOU AS WAR CRIMINALS!!
Diveman: Nah. War crimes don' apply to those servin' God's higher cause. His words. Whole thing's water under the bridge...That I blew up fer shits 'n giggles..
Kalinka: ...Damnit, he really didn't reprogram you guys...It's like...I don't even know you people anymore....
(The Mechs, minus Magnet who's playing cards, all introduce themselves. In short order they've ordered a round of drinks and have gotten to talking.)
Hardman: Hold on a sec. Now I think I actually do remember you a bit. Weren't you tryign to kill those Cossack's Creations guys?
Kryptoman: No, it was Cossack's Comrades. Those jerks. And they made me too! How do you like that? Lemme tell you how it was....
Enter Kryptoman
By: Kryptoman
It was shortly after Megaman beat the Comrades. Dr. Cossack was getting his life back together and everyone was pitching in. Well, that was the plan, but ...
Drillman: Hm. We have a lot of work to do now that we have to rebuild our lives.
Dr. Cossack: Then get to it, youse. That's why I made youse guys.
Drillman: I have a better idea! Yeah! I'll make a robot slave to do all the work? Yeah, yeah! Lesse now ... what do we have in my spare parts bin....
Drillman, that jerk, shifted through his box of spare parts and just assembled me using duct tape and luck!
Drillman: Here we go. Yeah, yeah! First Sigma’s second armor. Second, Fireman's photon cannon. Third, Elecman's eyes and arm. Yeah, yeah! Fourth, Crush Crawfish's claws as wings. Fifth, A doll head for irresistible attraction to women, so he can get me some dates. But now I needs to give him a special power. One that can help him do all our work for us. He's gotta be able to do my drilling! And Dustman's Dusting! And Skullman's .. .uh ...
Shadowman: Skullman's marketing spare corpses to science?
Kryptoman: No, that was somebody else. Dammit, I know this. What did he do with his time?
Sparkman: Wait, who's Sigma and Crush Crawfish?
Hardman: That's nothing, where'd Drill get these spare parts?
Kryptoman: I don't know! I never thought to ask.
Geminiman: By the way, what's up with your name?
Kryptoman: My name? What's wrong with it?
Geminiman: Well, what exactly does it mean?
Kryptoman: What? What are you getting at?
Shadowman: HEY!
Hardman: DUDE!
Geminiman: What?
Shadowman: You can't question the theme like that!
Hardman: That's so rude.
Geminiman: It's just weird is all.
Kryptoman: Erm, um ... just ... moving on ....
Drillman: And Skullman's whatever-the-crap Skullman was made to do! Hm.
Dr. Cossack: Well, if you can't get him to do that then you have to do your work already Drill.
Drillman: No, wait! I got it! He can ... absorb those powers from us! That way he can do all of our work!!
So, out of all those spare parts he got from somewhere Drillman made me. Made me to be his FRAKIN' SLAVE!
Drillman: Are those underwear ironed yet?
Kryptoman: Yes, father.
Drillman: DON'T CALL ME THAT, YOU FREAK!
Kryptoman: Wh-why are you so cruel to me, father? Why make me so ... so ugly?
Drillman slapped me across the cheek, then. I'll never forget how it stung.
Drillman: Because I want you to know your place!
Diveman: Haw! Good goin', Drill! Better scrub those floors good, Kryppy!
Toadman: Don't worry, Krypto. I'll always love you. Even if you are horribly ugly.
Snakeman: Damn, you too? I thought I was the only one.
Kryptoman: Fath-Drill?
Drillman: What is it, Krypto-freak?
Kryptoman: King's holding a party at midnight. Everyone's invited! May I go?
Drillman: *sigh* have you finished all the -
Needlegal: Wait a second, wait a second. You're cribbing this from Cinderella!
Maybe so, but unlike Cinderella my fairy Godmother never came. I missed my ball. And then my stinkin' creator locked me into a capsule and threw away the key. But he couldn't stop me. I escaped! But those Comrades just couldn't let me go.
Kryptoman: Stop it! Stop chasing me!
Ringman: Never, Kryptoman! You're our property, see?
Drillman: That's right, yeah. I'll grab you and then make you dress like a maid just to show you your place! Yeah, yeah!!!
Kryptoman: If you won't just leave me alone, then I guess I'll fight you. DO YOU HEAR ME, FATHER!? I DEFY YOU!!
Kryptoman: (Now very drunk) And I did fight. And I got plastic surgery! Just look at me now!
Needlegal: (Also somewhat drunk) Yeah, that really worked out for ya. You're humongous!
(Back in Russia...)
Brightbabe: Aren't you going to ask us why Crorq's been so awesome to us?
Kalinka: All I can think of is that you missed hanging out with a fat, annoying, repulsive slob so much, that you've tried to fill the void Flippy left behind! There's no other explanation!
Dustman: Sure there is!! Well, there's not much to tell, really. Porter C. Powell hired us to guard the convoy of his nucleon transports. The Ascendant Androids caught wind of the attack and ambushed us. Napalmman and Gyroman pulled a classic pincer maneuver by destroying the front and lead trucks, and then-
Diveman: The job was goin' tits-up, but then Crorq rode in on a fat, bloated, greasy stallion with a chicken wing hangin' out its mouth 'n kicked the shit outta them!
Ringman: And when Powell tried to blame us for what happened, Crorq just told him off in the most awesome way possible. And then he took us to Dave and Busters as a way of saying job well done.
Kalinka: .......!!
Skullman: ...You had to have been there.
Kalinka: No, no I didn't. I think I would've just died on the inside a little more than I did just now. If that's possible.
Brightbabe: What's wrong? Aren't you happy that Crorq's looking out for us for a change? He even called us his Elite Squad!
Pharaoh Woman: Yes, I figured you would be delighted that our great benefactor has finally rewarded our labors. Why are you not rejoicing?? I mean, we even brought you back some shrimp and lobster alfredo!
Kalinka: No! We're nothing but a means to an end to him and a tool to make himself look good. He only gives us support if and when it suits him!! Isn't it obvious he's buttering you up?!
Diveman: 'N we're milkin' it fer everythin' it's worth!
Skullman: There's no telling how long his newfound favoritism will last. Best to enjoy it while we can.
Kalinka: ..!! Come on, Drill! Back me up!! Isn't it odd that Crorq would take an interest in us after his OTHER "Elite Team" was booted out?
Drillman: I wouldn't call the Sinister Six his Elite Team.
Kalinka: No, I mean the Mechs!!
Drillman: That's even more absurd. They can't do anything without being bailed out, these days.
Diveman: Man, don' get me started on that one-horse team. They don' jus' have sticks up their asses. They gotta whole frickin' forest. 'Specially Hardman.
(Back in the Underground...)
Hardman: Damn, those Cossacks are jerks. That guy Diveman especially is a dick.
Kryptoman: Yeah, I hear ya.
Hardman: While I was on the RPD he and the rest wouldn't leave me alone about being a former Scissor Army member. Just "washout" this and "washout" that.
Geminiman: Not me, so much, for some reason.
Diveman: Bust my balls fer the war, will they?! At least I don't pal 'round with not one, but TWO SA dropouts! Who kills other Megaman teammates in cold blood? 'N they call ME a dick!
Hardman: But that Dive character seemed to confuse me with Hadrian, the old Hardman! What the freakin' heck, right?
Ringman: Dive, you know those were two different Hardmen, right?
Diveman: Doesn' matter! God hates 'em both! 'N so do I!
Snakeman: Don't get me started on Toadman. He's ... worse than Crorq. That's all I'll say.
Geminiman: Skullman is infuriating. That one has NO sense of style whatsoever.
Skullman: Their Geminiman's fixation on my outward appearance is most baffling. Apparently, his firmware has malfunctioned and believes that I am an infant unable to properly dress myself.
Sparkman: Pharaoh's wound up tight in more ways than one.
(The Mechs chuckle mildly at this.)
Kryptoman: ... I don't get it.
Pharaoh Woman: I, myself, wish the blazing fury of a thousand Ras on their Spark Chan! ...I don't know why yet! But she's probably a jerk!!
Topman: Okay, you guys have had way too much to drink. Look, Krypto's story - it didn't even make any sense.
Kryptoman: It did too!
Shadowman: Guys, I think it's getting late and we've all had a bit too much to drink -
Topman: Except me.
Shadowman: Yeah, except Topman. It may be time to just go home.
Diveman: C'mon, boys. I ain't got nuff to drink. What other mischief can we get into?
Kalinka: That's enough!! Shut up, all of you!! I...I don't want to talk to any of you.
(Kalinka bitterly turns her back on the Comrades, focusing back on her research)
Kryptoman: Or it may be time for a little mischief. Between all of you, me, and maybe some of the other guys here ... I have an idea or two that may turn out great.
Shadowman: Yeah, I don't think -
Kryptoman: They're at RPD headquarters ... If we're quick they won't know what hit 'em.
Shadowman: Wait, any kind of prank on RPD headquarters would massively humiliate that yellow piece of crap Crorq.
Topman: Oh, wait, no. Shadow, no!
Shadowman: What's the plan?
Ringman: ...Clearly, we're not wanted.
Drillman: No, YOU'RE not wanted you-
Dustman: Not now, Drill. What do we do now?
Skullman: Hold on. I just got a notification from Crorq that he just got us tickets to a couple of room escapes.
Brightbabe: Wow! Usually, they're booked solid at this hour!
Skullman: If anyone can pull strings, it is the chief of the RPD. We can pick them up at RPD HQ, whenever.
Diveman: Good, 'cuz we got our first room escape already lined up: Get the hell outta of the room with tha wishy-washy gal who gets pissy when her boss stops treatin' us like jerks.
TO BE CONTINUED
Cossack's Comrades
AM as Drill Man Sean as Dust Man Geoff as Dive Man
Jet as Bright Babe Hunter as Skull Man
John as Ring Man Avi as Pharaoh Woman Flippy as Toad Man
Cast: |
|||||
| Leon as ..... | Sparkman |
Raijin as ..... |  Snakeman |
Psycho Magnet as ..... |  Needlegal |
| Ben as ..... |  Hardman |
Nightmare as ..... |  Topman |
||
| Lennon as ..... |  Geminiman |
Sheriff (Kassidy) Mags as ..... |  Magnetman |
Gauntlet as ..... | Shadowman |
