By Gauntlet (Shadowman), and Geoff (Sparkman)
Last time on the Inevitable Cossack's Comrades / Mechanical Maniacs crossover we saw the Mechs befriend longtime Cossack enemy Kryptoman, who had made his way to the Wily Underground. Meanwhile the Cossack's had unexpectedly befriended Crorq! As chance would have it both teams got wasted and are set on a collision course as the Mechs drunkenly plan mischief on their old place of employment as the Cossacks head to a room escape with Crorq...
(The Mechs are making their way to RPD HQ underground...)
Shadowman: So what's this amazing plan to humiliate that windbag Crorq and those Cossacks?
Kryptoman: Oh it's brilliant! Here. Take this.
Topman: Spray paint?
Magnetman: For real?
Shadowman: What!? NO! No, this isn't us!!
Kryptoman: What? I thought it'd be great fun!
Shadowman: No, we can't just spray paint RPD headquarters. This was your brilliant plan!?
Kryptoman: Well, yeah.
Snakeman: No. No, I have a better idea.
(Most of the Mechs and Kryptoman are riding on the roof of police cars, laughing like maniacs as Topman and Magnetman watch on in horror.)
Magnetman: Oh, man! They've lost it.
Topman: Yeah, no kidding.
Magnetman: In one way it's kinda impressive that Snakeman installed a rudimentary AI in the police cars and got them to drive around at random.
Topman: Yeah, but this ...
Snakeman: AH HAH HAH HAH HAH! I haven't felt this alive in years!!!
Shadowman: How do you like this, Crorq? EH!?
Topman: ...Is a nightmare!
Sparkman: This ain't you! Seriously though, if you think we're hammered, you should see Geminiman!
(Sparkman points to a drunk Geminiman who's talking to one of his clones.)
Geminiman: Who are you??
Geminiman: I'm your clone!
Geminiman: Then who am I?
Geminiman: You're not you!
Geminiman: Then who are you if you're not me?!
Geminiman: I'M YOU!!
Geminiman: Heegeeyaaah!! But I'm not me! Are you me, or am I you?
Geminiman: I'm me! But who's he?? Heegeeyaaah!!
(A third Geminiman clone advances toward the other two and levels his cannon towards them)
Geminiman: Heegeeyaaah!! I'm you, too! But now you know my secret! Now you must die!! ...Which one are you?
(The Geminimen all stand around in place, arguing with each other using slurred, made up words)
Officerbot2: Come on! What are you doing!?
(The car Needlegal is riding on crashes into a poll, but she's able to leap off in time ... although her landing is fumbled.)
Needlegal: Ah hah hah hah!
SWAT bot: What's going on here!?
Kryptoman: We're raising hell, that's what!
SWAT bot: Not on my watch. The other teams may be busy elsewhere, but us Police Bots can take the whole lot of you on.
Magnetman: This place is getting a mite crowded here, fellas.
(Sparkman blasts at buildings randomly.)
Sparkman: Let 'em come! I don't give a damn.
Hardman: (After smashing the car he's riding) Finally! Bring out the Cossacks!
Kryptoman: Bring 'em out!
(Kryptoman drunkenly grabs at the SWAT bot and both begin to glow.)
Kryptoman: ??? Hey. Hey!
(The SWAT bot falls to the ground, sparks flying out of him. Kryptoman then takes aim at Officer bots and begins to shoot.)
Kryptoman: AH hah hah hah hah! I just assimilated that guy's weapon!! Did you guys see that!? It's fixed!! Somebody fixed it!!
Topman: Yeah, we saw (Megaman does it all the time, it's not really that impressive.)
Kryptoman: Hey, where's Bizarro Shadowman?
Kryptoman: Yeah! After all these years I can finally - FINALLY! - assimilate that guy like I always dreamed! Where's he hiding?
Geminiman: He's dead. For, like, over a decade now.
Kryptoman: Wha?? Oh, no! Dang it. Why didn't anyone tell me?
(The Officer Bots begin to swarm and start shooting at the group with more co-ordination than before.)
Topman: Uh, guys? The numbers are looking a little overwhelming here.
Kryptoman: Not to me! Hard, good buddy, lemme borrow something for a bit.
(Kryptoman touches Hardman and the later falters somewhat. Before he collapses Kryptoman lets go.)
Kryptoman: Alright, buddy, let's give 'em a quadruple Hard Knuckle!
Hardman: Eh? Alright. HADOKEN!!
(Hardman and Kryptoman both fire Hard Knuckles at the crowd using both arms. A growing number of police bots flee as the two weak havoc at RPD HQ. Meanwhile Snakeman is infecting more cars with his remote control AI.)
Sparkman: gotta say, that really is impressive, Snakes.
Snakeman: It's a simple program transfer. I'm mainly copying the AI from my Search Snakes. It makes each of the cars respond to simple commands ... like go nuts!
(Cars spring to life and Officer Bots scramble to reign them in.)
Shadowman: Frame us, will you!? Try to discredit us, will you!?
Topman: Technically, he didn't really frame us, we really did try to kill him.
Shadowman: Shut up! He had it coming. That - that scumbag!
(Elsewhere in Monsteropolis, the Comrades are just leaving the room escapes.)
Diveman: That place had a funny definition o' "excessive force".
Dustman: I don't think anyone could fault you for pushing down those flimsy panels on the mirrors. I think they can fault you for ripping the head off a prop skeleton and throwing it at a bell to ring it.
Diveman: 'N another thing, how come they didn' want us to ring that?! They shouldn' have thrown in that in there if they didn't want it rung!
Ringman: I still don't know why you kept using Jack Nicholson as the answer to one of the puzzles. The clue was "Nick", not Jack "NICKolson"!
Drillman: Clearly you don't suspect him enough. And don't patronize me. I know Jack Nicholson is in cahoots with some deranged Circus Clown! ...Just not that one, apparently.
Skullman: Still, we were kicked out of worse places than this.
(Suddenly, Crorq's voice echoes over the Comrades' comms.)
Crorq: COMPADRES!! Did you have fun at the room escapes?
Brightbabe: We had a blast!
Pharaoh Woman: A night that has been blessed by the favor of Ra and forever enshrined by Thoth himself. ...It was awesome!!
Crorq: Excellent! You know what'll make this night even better?
Drillman: John making a fatal mistake that reveals himself as a double agent?
Ringman: AM, getting a brain transplant and realizing I'm not a double agent?
Diveman: The Mechanical Maniacs sufferin' the infinite wrath of God?
Crorq: A penny for the smart submarine! They're here in Monsteropolis!
Brightbabe: You're kidding!!
Skullman: Curious. As inferior as they are, they are never this careless.
Crorq: Well, they are, tonight! But that's not even the good part. They're with...Dare I say it...? Oh, why not. KRYPTOMAN!!
Dustman: He's back?!
Brightbabe: He's still alive??
Pharaoh Woman: ...Who....??
Drillman: Of course!! The Mechs have secretly been in allegiance with my rogue creation the whole time! That explains why they attacked us fifteen years ago! It all adds up!!
Skullman: For once, that makes sense.
Crorq: They're all on Bergen Street harassing some poor officers just doing their job. I assume no further instruction is needed. Other than "Dead or Alive."
Diveman: We're thinking more 'long the lines o', "Dead or Ripped ta Shreds."
Crorq: That's what I like to hear COMPADRES!! Do what you do best!
(Crorq closes the comm link as the Comrades all crack their knuckles and cock their weapons)
Dustman: I've waited fifteen years for this.
Pharaoh Woman: They shall not escape the judgment of...Is there an Egyptian God of War? Horus?? Yeah, I don't use his name often enough. Let's go with him.
Drillman: Well, let's not dawdle. Last thing we want is Torchman or one of John's nefarious secret agents to nab them before we do. So here's my plan. Dive, are you up for making a special trip?
Diveman: Heh. I think I see where yer goin' with this!
(Meanwhile, on Bergen Street...)
Geminiman: He's so cute! He's got your eyes!
Geminiman: Of course he's got my eyes! He's my clone baby!
(A Geminiman is cradling another Geminiman clone wearing a baby bonnet, holding a rattle and bottle.)
Geminiman Baby: Goo-goo ga-ga! Mama and clone mama, I'm a clone baby!
Geminiman: Wait he's not my clone baby!
Geminiman: Of course he is! You're the real me!
Geminiman: That's what I'm trying to tell you! Heegeeyaaah!! I'm not me! I'm you!!
Geminiman: Heegeeyaaah!! I'm you!
Geminiman: No, you're me!! Heegeeyaaah!!!
(As the Geminimen devolve into slurring yutzes, Magnetman tries to reason with the other drunk Mechs, but to no avail.)
Hardman: C'mon, Magnet! Do it!
Magnetman: This is gettin' waaaay too outtahand, pardner.
Kryptoman: Come on! I'd say it's only getting started! We haven't even found the Comrades, yet!
Topman: Some of us like to keep it that way.
Hardman: Ah, don't be such a wet blanket, Mags! It'll be awesome, Ya know it!
Shadowman: Yeah, do it Magnet!
Kryptoman, Needlegal Sparkman, and Snakeman: DO IT!! DO IT!! DO IT!
Geminimen: DO IT! DO IT!
Magnetman: If I do it for a minute, will we go home?
Shadowman: Yeah, yeah, I guess. Alright, Hard. We'll do it for one minute only because Magnet's scaaaareedd!!
Topman: And Top. Top's not ashamed to say he's very scared right now.
(Magnetman lifts Hardman up with his magnetic powers and swings him around.)
Hardman: No, no! Swing me faster! Towards the bacon!
(Magnetman reluctantly swings Hardman even faster, bowling over several hapless RPD officers.)
Sparkman: Like a vast, overweight, predatory bird with an ass the size of a barn!
Hardman: Weeeeee!! I'm like a cloud! Or a pretty butterfly. Urrrrp...BWARRRGGHHH!!
(Hardman boots all over the place as he sails overhead!)
RPD Officers: AUUGGHHH!!!
Geminiman: Hey! Don't swing him towards me-Ah UGGGHHH!! My armor!!
(Magnetman unceremoniously drops Hardman on top of an RPD cruiser.)
Hardman: Ahhhh!! Easy on the landing, Mags!
Magnetman: Alright, time's up. Time to go!
Kryptoman: Awww, we're just getting started!
(By now, Kryptoman has assimilated Magnet's power, and starts swinging Hard around.)
Hardman: Yaaayy!! Yer the best pal ever, Krypto!!
Kryptoman: Yeah!! Suck our fat ones, Crorq!!
Shadowman: All in favor of making Kryptoman our new ninth member say 'Aye!'
Needlegal, Sparkman, Geminimen and Snakeman: AYE!
Topman: Can we do that?
Shadowman: We did it for sillier reasons! Namely, you!
(Suddenly, Kryptoman is blasted from behind. He turns around and sees Dustman, Ringman, Pharaoh Woman, and Skullman standing behind him.)
Kryptoman: YOU!! What kept you so long?!
Pharaoh Woman: You shall not escape our wrath once more...Whoever you are!
Dustman: I had to see it to believe it. The Mechs really are aligned with Krypto.
Ringman: Can't say I'm that surprised.
Skullman: Apparently, since we, (or rather some of us) allied with one their worst enemies, they may ally with ours.
Snakeman: Yeah, well, at least Krypto didn't commit mass genocide, ya hypocrites!!
Pharaoh Woman: Wow, these peasants have imbibed enough spirits to make Diveman look sober.
Skullman: Actually, I can see their blood/alcohol content. It's half of Dive's at the very most. Except him. (points at Snakeman). All he's had is Dr Pepper.
Snakeman: Why you-!!
Kryptoman: Please, Snake. Don't get wrapped around the axle. It's just four of them. I can handle this.
(Kryptoman approaches the four Comrades.)
Kryptoman: I could forgive you (points at Skull, Ring, and Pharaoh) since you all seem to be at least somewhat new and don't know how i work. But you, Sean? I figured you knew better than to just shoot me.
Dustman: That's why I added a little something into that Dust Crusher I shot you with.
(Suddenly, Kryptoman's face turns greener than usual, as he suddenly has trouble standing. Suddenly, he arches over and starts booting).
Kryptoman: BWAAAAARGGHH!! Another flu shot virus? It was never this bad!
Dustman: ...That's just what's inside Diveman's "Holy Water."
Kryptoman: Holy water?! It feels more like booze!
Skullman: It is. Diveman's a drunk now. You missed a lot.
Kryptoman: Ha!! I don't need ta be sober to whomp the shit outta the four o' ya!
(Suddenly, Drillman bursts out of the ground and impales him with his drills.)
Drillman: Count again, Krypto!
Kryptoman: GAAHH!! Daddy!! A cowardly underhanded creep as always!!
Drillman: No, underhanded would be telling you that I injected you with flu shots. Which I did.
(Kryptoman collapses, as the flu and Dive's vodka wreaks havoc on his systems.)
Kryptoman: WHAT?!! You just HAPPENED to be carrying flu shots on the off chance you ran into your wayward son, who you hadn't seen in over fifteen years, so you could finish him off?!
Drillman: And you don't?
Kryptoman: Curse you father!! I hate you! I hate you so much!!
(Krypto, to his surprise as much as anyone else's produces a complicated buster and shoots out a burst of green energy at Drillman.)
Kryptoman: !? Why does that happen? Why did you give me some stupid green flashlight!? How is that useful? How!?
Drillman: Hah! That's no "green flashlight" and you know it. Did you really think a kryptonite burst would work against me?
Kryptoman: What!? That's what that was!?
Drillman: That's right! Just in case Superman ever went bad, I wanted to have a weapon handy to take him down. What, you didn't know that?
Kryptoman: All these years I've wondered about my name and ... it's because you gave me a weapon that works against only one guy!? A guy that I'll never, ever even meet!? That means my weapons ... my entire purpose ... is utterly pointless!!!
Drillman: Well, geez. When you put it that way it does sound pretty stupid.
Hardman: Hey!! You creeps don't get to push Krypto 'round like that!!
Needlegal: We still got you outnumbered!!
Magnetman: Guys, we need to stop, and take a step back here...
Topman: It's too late. We're in too deep, now.
Shadowman: Get 'em, guys!!
(The drunk Mechs all rush the Comrades, firing their weapons. But suddenly, a bright flash of light overwhelms them!)
Sparkman: Gaggghh!! Brightbabe?! Where the hell did she come from?!
Brightbabe: Right here!!
(Brightbabe sprints forward and snatches up Hardman's Knuckles, wearing them over her own hands. Shoving Snakeman and Sparkman aside, she pins Topman against the wall).
Brightbabe: This is what happens when you murder our father. YOU DIE!!
(Snarling like a beast, Brightbabe viciously punches Topman in the face repeatedly, occasionally slamming his head into a wall with unseen ferocity!)
Topman: Gahhhh!! What?! No!! You don't understand!! No!!!
Ringman: Holy crap, look at her go!! I've never seen her like this!
Skullman: ...Nobody has...
Hardman: Hey!! Give those back!!
(Hardman tries to bring his arms back, but suddenly, Diveman's submarine form leaps out of a stream and slams into Hardman.)
Diveman: No ya don', big boy!!
Hardman: Aggh!! Should've known you'd do this, Dive! Can't pick a fair fight?!
Diveman: Didncha say ya could kick my ass with both hands 'hind yer back?!
Hardman: ...! Magnet, somebody! Get my arms back!
Magnetman: Sorry, pardner! We got our own problems!!
(Magnetman is using his magnetic powers and six shooter to deflect Dustman's Dust Crushers. Needlegal is unloading her Needle Cannon at Skullman, who goes back and forth from shooting back and blocking with his Skull Barrier. Shadowman and Sparkman are both trading fire from Ringman and Pharaoh Woman, respectively).
Drillman: This is for Cossack and fifteen years of abuse, you two-faced-AGGGHH!!
(Suddenly, two cruisers collide head-on into Drillman, trapping him between both cars).
Snakeman: And that's for St. Petersburg and siding with Mesmerman and the-
(Snakeman's blood chills as Toadman, wearing a groom's outfit, seemingly hops out of nowhere and lands on top of Snakeman. Snakeman screams and struggles as Toadman plants a wet juicy kiss on him).
Snakeman: NO! NOOO!!! NOT YOU AGAIN! I SWEAR!!
Toadman: I'm sorry, my dear Helena. Did I frighten you? I didn't mean to. Though it seems like a dream now, being with you...
Kryptoman: ...What?? I thought you all had him locked up in an insane asylum after he gained super powers and became a danger to everyone around him!
Diveman: Why do ya think I was runnin' so late?! I had to make a special trip just to get him out! All I had to say was the word 'Helena', 'n he practically burst outta his straitjacket!
Snakeman: NO!! THIS ISN'T HAPPENING!! NOT AGAIN!!
(Snakeman controls another car to slam into Toadman. He frantically climbs into it and peels out.)
Toadman: Always playing hard to get! I like that!
(Toadman hops after Snakeman as he speeds off. But since Snakeman's still drunk (or thinks he is) he keeps swerving back forth, veering towards...).
Sparkman: Wha?! Snake?! Watch where you're-!
(Sparkman narrowly dodges being hit by his drunk ally and the lecherous toad chasing him. But looks up in time to see Pharaoh Woman standing over him with a charged up Pharaoh Shot).
(Pharaoh Woman blasts Sparkman aside, knocking him out cold).
Pharaoh Woman: Ha! Bow before...Look I know I said Horus before. I think Set's more appropriate. So yeah. Bow before Set, you creep!
(Pharaoh Woman slaps some cuffs on Sparkman and throws him in the back of a cruiser).
Shadowman: (Dodging Ring Boomerangs) Damnit, Gemini! We could use your help here!!
Geminiman: We can't! Me and my clones are joining forces! Because the Galactic Council made another clone! But this one's a bad clone! And he's in cahoots with the Devil!
Geminiman: And he's the real you!
Geminiman: Heegeeyaaah!! I thought he was really him! (points to another clone).
Geminiman: No, I'm an angel! Heegeeyaaah!! That means you're me!!
(The Geminimen run off, still arguing with each other using slurred words only they understand.)
Shadowman: Ah, damnit! We lost Geminiman!!
Ringman: Things are falling apart for you, Mechs!
(Ringman gets knocked aside by Needlegal as she pulls Shadow inside another cruiser.)
Needlegal: Shadow, Hard, anybody! Get the fuck in!!
(Shadowman grabs Kryptoman and throws him in the cruiser. Magnetman follows close behind, but not before throwing Diveman off of Hardman, allowing him to escape inside the cruiser. Thankfully, Needle's drunk, erratic driving makes them a harder target for the Comrades to hit as they get away).
Dustman: Damn! We almost had them!!
Skullman: (Gets inside another cruiser). They're not going to get far. If we leave now, we can still catch up with them.
Ringman: What about Drill? He's seen better days.
Drillman: If you're thinking you've found the right moment to twist the knife in, John. You're sorely mistaken. It'll take more than this for you to keep me down!
(Drillman tries pulling himself out from the mangled wreck. But only succeeds in pulling his torso off his legs).
Dustman: Sorry, AM. I agree, you're not going anywhere like that.
Pharaoh Woman: Fear not, dear leader! We shall escort you back to Kalinka's lab, where Isis shall bless you with her healing!
Drillman: ...Alright. But let's make it quick. I'm not going to miss this opportunity to finish off Krypto for good.
Skullman: What do you want to do with them?
(Skullman points to Sparkman and Topman, who's getting savagely slammed into the ground by Brightbabe. As he weakly tries to crawl away, the furious Comrade gets on all fours, pins him down, and bites off a chunk of his cheek).
Brightbabe: Look at me when you die. Look. At. ME.
Topman: You freaking... psycho...!
Diveman: Damnit, Bright! Leave some fer the res' o' us!
Brightbabe: I told you, when I'm finished, you can have what's left!
Diveman: There ain't gonna be nuthin' left, ya crazy bitch!
(Brightbabe uppercuts Dive, sending him flying.)
Brightbabe: What didja call me?!
Drillman: Stop, Bright! That's enough! Dive's right. We all want a piece of him. You and Pharaoh take him and Spark Chan back home with us.
Ringman: Shouldn't they go to RPD HQ?
Drillman: Eventually. But not before we get a piece of them first. Crorq hasn't waited as long as we have to get even with them.
Skullman: Technically, he has. Longer, even.
Drillman: Not our problem. If he wanted them that bad, he should've come down here to get them personally. We've earned this.
Pharaoh Woman: It matters not. I was going to make this wench (points to the unconscious Sparkman) my slave, either way!
Brightbabe: And we're not even CLOSE to being even! (spits on Topman.)
Ringman: It's almost hard to believe how far they've fallen. I wouldn't have thought they were capable of such overt terrorism back when they were fooling everyone as part of the RPD.
Dustman: They really seem to have changed for the worse. Especially Spark Chan! I remember her being so nice...
Skullman: Even back then she was gradually becoming more violent and less of a pushover, but I'm still shocked her attitude grew so crass and she changed her appearance so drastically.
Pharaoh Woman: I will see to it she re-learns respect and decorum as my personal handmaiden.
Diveman: Alright, the res' o' us, let's break a leg 'n round up the res' o' those heretics! Don' worry, AM! We'll tell Krypto you said 'Hi!'!
(Dust and Ring pile into one cruiser, while Dive and Skull take another and speed off after the Maniacs. Drill, Pharaoh and Bright teleport back to Russia, taking Topman and Sparkman with them. Later, in Pharaoh's chambers...)
Sparkman: Uggghhhh...Seriously? They just left me for Krypto? Couldn't ask for a greater bunch of pals.
Pharaoh Woman: Silence, peasant! And bow before your rightful ruler!!
Sparkman: Oh, super. It had to be you who nabbed me. Hey, you ain't Jade. What happened to that guy? Did you suffocate him with your BO or something? Because you really do smell like a rotting mummy.
Pharaoh Woman: Hey!! That's no way to talk to your divinely appointed ruler! Now, I said bow! Do it!
(Sparkman reluctantly drops to his knees.)
Pharaoh Woman: Awesome! From this day forward, you are nothing but my humble servant!! A slave at my beck and call! My wish is your command. Nay! Your delight! Ah, I should've gone with that...
Sparkman: ...Your humble slave gets the point, She-Jade,
Pharaoh Woman: Silence, slave!! It's not right to talk when I'm talking! Now, your first labor is to....to...uhhhhhh...
Sparkman: ...Come on. I ain't got all day!!
Pharaoh Woman: Hold your tongue! ...Your Master is thinking!
Pharaoh Woman: ...Organize my DVDs!
Sparkman: ...What, while wearing a French maid outfit or a Madonna cone bra or something?
Pharaoh Woman: What?? Ew, no!! I just don't have the time to do it myself! ...But uh, you, my obedient slave, do! So do not fail me! ...Please?
(Sparkman gestures emptily and goes to work sorting out his mistress' DVDs. Meanwhile, Topman reawakens in the main lab, strapped to an operating table.)
Topman: Uggggghhh...Did anyone get the number of that snarling psycho...?
(Brightbabe squeezes Topman's throat, still holding Hardman's Knuckles.)
Brightbabe: DCN-025: Brightbabe, motherfucker.
Kalinka: Jesus! Brightbabe! That's enough. For now.
(Brightbabe bitterly turns to Kalinka, still not loosening her grip. After a few tense seconds, she releases Topman as Kalinka stands over him, staring daggers into the helpless Mech's eyes).
Kalinka: ...I've spent countless sleepless nights and most of my adult life finding the right words for this moment. But I guess it all boils down to one simple question. So here it is:
Kalinka: How did it feel?
TO BE CONTINUED
AM as Drill Man Sean as Dust Man Geoff as Dive Man
Jet as Bright Babe Hunter as Skull Man
John as Ring Man Avi as Pharaoh Woman Flippy as Toad Man
|Leon as .....||
|Raijin as .....||
|Psycho Magnet as .....||
|Ben as .....||
|Nightmare as .....||
|Lennon as .....||
|Sheriff (Kassidy) Mags as .....||
|Gauntlet as .....||