Series 9 Issue #33 - The God Squad part 2: Sunset
By
Raijin (Snakeman)
The Mechanical Maniacs (and Waveman) have been summoned by an assembly of gods to deal with the Sunstar.EXE mess they're indirectly partly responsible for. To prepare for their mission, they have called upon the mightiest patron deities that would give them the time of day to become powerful holy avatars of the gods' will. Now they gather to launch an attack on their all-powerful adversary...
Primus: And lo, did I watch the prodigal collector open his mint-in-box Electro. And upon opening his package, he was left with naught but gold dust and tears.
Magnetman: Please leave me alone. I don't understand a word you're sayin'.
Geminiman: We're back, and we've got magic swords.
Magnetman: Yeah, of course you do. Y'all look ridiculous in your hats and loincloths by the way.
Topman: Hey man, you're hardly in a position to criticize fashion choices.
Magnetman: I am in the optimal position.
Primus: Blessed are the recolours for they breathe new life into old moulds.
Shadowman: What gives? Why is Primus out here hovering over you?
Magnetman: I dunno. He's bored or lonely or something so he came out to spout holy ad copy at me. He kept repeating prices, so I thought if I gave him some money, he'd go away, but it didn't work.
Primus: It is thus by covenant most high, that My blessings be upon thou who hast given the offering of $50 at retail. I will grant thee My boundless knowledge and power provided with 2 AA batteries (not included) and 2 button cell batteries (included) from now unto all time.
Shadowman: YOU ended up with Primus as your patron? That's the one I wanted! Hey, Mags, wanna trade your god for mine?
Arceus: Ar--Arceus?
Magnetman: (whistles) That's a mighty fine hoss y'got there. I dunno if what you propose is even possible though.
Primus: The transaction is... acceptable.
ARCEUS went to Magnetman. Bye bye, ARCEUS! For Shadowman's ARCEUS, Magnetman sends PRIMUS. Magnetman waves farewell as Primus is transferred. Take good care of PRIMUS.
Shadowman: Sweet!
Arceus: Ar...ceus...
Magnetman: Aw, don't fret, girl. We'll get along fine.
Shadowman: Hard, did you soak yourself in gasoline again?
Hardman: Something like that.
Snakeman: We mussst close the circle. We must consssume the tail. Bring end to this curssse of man.
Geminiman: Damn it, I knew this would happen. Wave, why didn't you stop him?
Waveman: I tried! Set and Neptune ended up giving us both powers so we would do a proxy holy war, but then they just started fighting each other directly and stopped paying attention to us. If we hurry, they probably won't notice we're working together.
Snakeman: Let the venom of our malice pierce the veins of the innocent!
Sparkman: Well, I got this going on, no thanks to you, Gem.
Geminiman: Okay. How? Don't tell me Crom actually took favor to you.
Sparkman: No, he immediately threw me over the edge of the courtyard into the space void. It's a little embarrassing, but I was rescued by this green-haired babe who-- Sorry, by a nice goddess with a very nice rack, and-- What! It's a compliment! ... I'm being so respectful! I haven't even called you out as an alien fraud yet!
Topman: Who are you talking to?
Sparkman: Who do you think? I don't know about you guys, but my goddess talks in my head and won't shut up... No, no, it's fine! I like the powers, I'd like to keep them. I just think you've told me enough about how they work and-- Yes, you did explain dodging already... Yes, I do understand circle strafing is a good strategy... Can it at least wait until we're in a fight? God... oh, sure, hilarious.
Needlegal: ...Aaanyway, I guess we're ready to finish this, then. What do we do now?
Sparkman: Uh huh... Okay... She says if a solar system is under attack, then the "true" sun "gods" will hear the prayers of those threatened... What, I said exactly what you told me to say! ... I'll put scare quotes around whichever words I want!
Hardman: So we go back in and ask Apollo or Ra?
Needlegal: I think Ammy's got us covered. She's been sniffing the air towards that nebula since she gave me this brush.
(A magic door suddenly appears before the group.)
Sparkman: ...And that would be our way there, courtesy of my expositionary light goddess.
Shadowman: Then everyone ready? Transform and roll out!
(Shadowman's form somehow shifts into that of a car.)
Shadowman: What th--!? How in the-!? Why!?
Primus: You sought My blessing and through the gift passed down through Mine own creation, Amalgomous Prime, you are now a worthy avatar.
Shadowman: I didn't say it to be literal, but... Whatever, it's fine! Onward!
(The magic door opens and everyone piles through. The team suddenly finds themselves floating in outer space facing an unfamiliar blue and green planet orbited by a small pink moon.)
Magnetman: ...Would you look at that? Just like that I seem to have forgotten my determination to stay away from this absurd escapade.
Geminiman: The beauty of the far flung cosmos is quite effective in changing one's outlook.
Magnetman: No, I mean I literally temporarily forgot I wasn't going to follow the rest of you through that cockamanie door. What happened?
(ARCEUS used Amnesia!)
Magnetman: Well, whatever. Guess I'm here now whether I like it or not. So where's our target?
Topman: That planet is fully lit in daylight, so the sun would be... right behind us?
(Everyone turns around to face the blinding sun of the planet's system. Their eyes gradually adjust to allow them to see the shape of the star and the concentated sunspot forming in its center, making it take the appearance of a giant burning red eyeball staring directly past them to the planet behind. In between them and the star, not too far away, the towering figure of Sun God floats facing the star as numerous small space ships zip around launching explosives at the invader to no apparent effect.)
Needlegal: Holy crap, it's real. This is real!
Sparkman: I'm still holding out judgment on that.
Shadowman: Real or not, we've got this. Time to take these new powers for a spin.
(As the Mechs move in, Sun God is deflecting the aliens' bombs with a sturdy energy barrier while casually returning fire with red hot plasma blasts from his hands.)
Sun God: Your blasphemous defiance will avail you not. Your kind must be punished.
Alien ship 1: Never! As long as we can still fight, we can still win!
Alien ship 2: Of course we'll win as long as I'm here. Taaake this!
Sun God: Explosions such as these are nothing compared to the endless fury of the stars. See for yourselves!
(Sun God holds out one hand and a scorching beam of light blazes through the alien fleet, sending their ships scattering.)
Alien ship 2: Tch! Let's keep it clean? I don't want my beautiful face scarred.
Alien ship 1: Darn it! Can't even get close! Hm? What's that?
(A flurry of shining arrows rain in and pierce Sun God's barrier. He takes little damage, but is surprised enough to cease his attack and turn his attention to the new arrivals.)
Sparkman: Sorry to keep you waiting! (Keeps shooting Sun God with arrows of light along with Topman and Needlegal.)
Sun God: I recognize you people... Where did this power come from?
Alien ship 1: Good question! Have you come to help?
Shadowman: We can handle this ourselves. You people should fall back for now. Your planet's safe.
Alien ship 2: The goddess of victory smiles upon me!
Needlegal: The goddess of something, anyway. Now, if I take Amaterasu's brush and draw a circle with a thingy like... so...
(A big bomb appears above Sun God and instantly explodes, sending him reeling through space.)
Alien ship 1: We tried that! How come OUR bombs weren't working like that!?
Hardman: It's god stuff, buddy. Don't be jealous.
Alien ship 1: I'm not jealous! My bombs are perfectly fine! They're great, even! I don't need to prove anything! I bet if I had the right powerup, they'd be even better than yours!
Alien ship 2: Sure they would. Let's get out of here already, White!
Alien ship 1: My bombs are the best...
Sun God: (Restoring his barrier, his hands lighting up in flame.) However you followed me, wherever you found these weapons, none of it matters. I have come too far to let you insects deter me.
(Sun God hurls multiple bolts of energy at the Mechs, each bolt suddenly changing direction multiple times to track and assault the divinely empowered robots.)
Geminiman: Come on! (Barely deflects a bolt with his sword) Does that seem like one of Terra's attacks to anyone else?
Snakeman: The children ssstew in the belly of the father. Cut it open!
(A swarm of spectral snakes coil around Sun God, but his burning aura spins into a small maelstrom, shredding them to oblivion.)
Sun God: You may have robbed me of my gentler aspects, but I have more than enough powers from my time in purgatory to end you all.
Topman: (Shooting beams from his sword) Is this stuff even working? I can't quite tell.
Magnetman: It's working better than the first time, at least. Even my bullets are getting through now, somehow.
(ARCEUS used Laser Focus!)
Hardman: Just wait 'til I get in there and deliver the flamin' fist of justice!
Waveman: Is that the best idea? He seems to be pretty comfortable with fire.
Hardman: No one asked you. I got the power I need. I assured me as much.
(Hardman jets up and punches Sun God in the face, but the flames enveloping them both are of no deterrent to the mad demigod.)
Hardman: C'mon, I know I wouldn't steer me wrong!
Sun God: Begone. (Grips Hardman by the wrist and hurls him back towards the planet with Uranus' gravity powers.)
Hardman: Daaamn youuu, meeee!
Waveman: It's time for the power of the ocean to save the day! (Summons a torrent of water from the ether to envelop Sun God.)
Sun God: This!? This power...
(With considerable effort, Sun God's spinning aura combined with his relentless energy blasts allow him to force his way through the water and disburse it. He then rushes forward and grabs Waveman by the neck before he can get away.)
Sun God: You... You were to be a part of me. The Mystic.
Waveman: Uhhh b-b-but not any more, right? I stopped believing in you so... you lost your hold on me? Please don't hurt me.
Sun God: This power you now have... it is quite similar to one I am missing. You may still be of use after all. (Begins to absorb energy from Waveman.)
Snakeman: I knew thisss would happen! Break them apart!
Geminiman: Spark? Can you reach them in time?
Sparkman: I don't know. Pale Tina was the one flying me around and now she's stopped for some reason... What was that? ... Five minute limit!? What kind of supposed godly powers have a five minute limit!?
Magnetman: Maybe we can-
(ARCEUS used Extreme Speed!)
Magnetman: -gyeeaaaa!
(Arceus plows into Sun God's arm at super speed, making him release Waveman, who gets grabbed by Magnetman on their way back.)
Waveman: Why can't something go right for me for once?
Snakeman: Failure of pattern recognition, perhapsss.
Shadowman: Don't let him near you again! Now, we'd better make sure Hard is okay and... WHAT!
(The entire group is suddenly engulfed in flames and incinerated.)
Sparkman: I'M FINISHED! Huh?
Shadowman: We're... back at the god forum?
Party God: Hey, not bad for a first round! Try to last longer than five minutes next time!
Topman: What just happened? It felt like we all died.
Ilias: You did. Sun God spent the solar flare he was building up to basically nuke you all. We had some resurrection deities on hand to bring you back since We knew this would happen.
Hardman: Maybe you could have warned us!?
Apollo: Good news! It will take Sun God longer to build up another flare capable of destroying that planet now! Well, relatively good news since as far as I can tell the inhabitants of that planet are all robots that don't normally worship gods so what's even the point of saving them?
Cthulhu: Whassamatter with these upstart robots anyway? Why in My day We didn't need any metal things, just mounds upon mounds of writhing flesh as far as the eye could see. These days You're lucky if You can find even one flesh mound in their fancy modern cities. Oh, sure, when people see You they'll start to melt together into little blobs but you can tell their ink sacs just aren't in it.
Primus: Not all robots are so defective. My children are grateful for the sparks they have been given.
Shadowman: Could we not get into these bits again? The fight didn't go as well as anticipated. We might need a little more help.
Ra: You have the power of the gods on your side. Just be more competent with it.
Sparkman: Or how about you just go deal with Sun God yourselves now?
Apollo: It is still beneath Us. Is it not easy enough for you? You've seen his capabilities, you've experienced your own limitations, you know We can bring you back to life or reverse time if you mess up again.
Snakeman: We know Waveman can jussst ssstay behind thisss time.
Waveman: Aw, come on! Give me another chance!
Geminiman: Why? You're not even supposed to be here and now you've proven to be a liability.
Waveman: No! I'm meant to be here! It's fate!
Sparkman: What, it's just fate that you happened to have been breaking into our house when Thor came around and swept you up along with us?
Vishnu: Indeed.
Sparkman: So it's all magical mythical destiny that -- excuse me, what?
Ra: Of course the gods of fate decreed that Waveman join you on your journey today. Did you really think the timing of his appearance was all by chance?
Topman: The setup did feel a bit contrived.
Snakeman: Hssssssss...
Shadowman: You guys wanted him here? Why?
Ra: The gods of fate are annoyingly mysterious in Their ways. Who knows? I asked Khonshu and He was all "through the piece that does not fit shall the puzzle become whole" or something like that, so probably even He doesn't know.
Waveman: Ha ha ha! Fate decrees you gotta include me!
Geminiman: Hold on. What if you already served your purpose back when you pointed out Sun God was incomplete?
Waveman: Can you really take that chance, though?
Needlegal: Whatever his purpose, little doubt it has to do with him being one of the StarCross guys. Hmm...
Waveman: How about the fact I'm the only one that recognized he's a navi whose primary element is fire, making him weak to -- what was it again? Oh, right. Good ol' AQUA! The stuff I got more than any of you!
(ARCEUS equipped a Splash Plate.)
Magnetman: What's that you got there?
Arceus: Arceus. Arceus Arceus Arceus. Aceus.
Magnetman: Fine, don't tell me.
Sparkman: ...What? A Poseidon Cannon? You could have equipped me with an actual gun this whole time and you sent me off with a bow? ... No, they're kinda not! There's a reason that... Stop it. That was barely even a pun.
Topman: We'll probably do fine with the water supply.
Hardman: Hmph.
Waveman: You can't write me off that easily. I'm the key to saving the universe and you all just have to admit it.
Ilias: "Key" may be overselling it. Ultimately, you are but instruments of the gods this day.
Primus: Thy special features are but spring-loaded projectiles to be triggered by Our divine hands.
Shadowman: Yeah, we get it. We do all the work and you take all the credit.
Needlegal: Like working for Crorq all over again.
Shadowman: You just had to remind me of that, didn't you?
Party God: Arooo! Better get out there, kids! The halftime show's almost over!
(Outside.)
Sparkman: So, five minutes as soon as I take off? ...Fine, just fly me straight ... if you can... It kinda sounds like you've been drinking.
Topman: So if we all... die... again... Then Isis, Persephone, and the Phoenix Force are on hand to bring us back?
Geminiman: If they're on break, we can also count on Chronos, Baby New Year, and some other gods of time to... uh... reset us? Apparently we'll still experience and remember the pain of dying either way.
Topman: Oh, good to know.
Shadowman: We won't have to worry about it if we make this time count.
Needlegal: The first attempt went by really fast. Maybe it's time to dial back the confidence.
Shadowman: It's called "faith", and I'm thinking the problem has been we haven't been displaying enough of it. Some of these gods might be jerks, but their power is real and we just need to take them seriously.
Fire God: What's up, losers? Get your butts kicked so soon?
Hardman: You! What's the big idea, sending me out with a useless power set?
Fire God: Ingrate! I grant the best power! You just didn't use it right.
Hardman: Flames against the sun?
Fire God: So? I eat the sun for breakfast.
Shadowman: What is...?
Needlegal: He claims to be a version of Ben that's ascended to godhood somehow. I think he's running a scam.
Sparkman: Of course he is. They all are. That's what I've been saying this whole time.
Hardman: How did a meat head like you become a god again?
Fire God: How else? I ate the last Fire God.
Hardman: So maybe I should just eat you then!
Fire God: Yeah? Try it!
Snakeman: The curssse of the Ouroboros manifesssts again and again.
Topman: Yeah, please save that attitude for Sun God, Ben. We don't have time for this.
Hardman: This ain't over.
Fire God: Pfft. You're the one with a finite lifespan.
Sparkman: Let's go. Pollutiona's magic doorway is ready.
(The team returns to the orbit around the alien star where Sun God is still conjuring up apocalyptic fire.)
Shadowman: Alright, time for round two!
Sun God: I destroyed you all. How is it that you return to pester me?
Topman: (Shooting ice arrows) Turns out your way of killing people doesn't actually work. You should probably just give up, knowing that.
Sun God: No, the voices I've silenced have remained silenced. Rest assured, if it takes me a billion years, I will silence them all, even those that somehow called you back.
(Sun God manifests large chunks of molten rock with Mars and Uranus' powers and hurls them at the scattering Maniacs.)
Geminiman: (Cleaves a rock with his sword before it collides with him) There's just no reasoning with you, is there? So be it! By the Power of Greyskull!
(Geminiman flies at Sun God's head with his sword. Sun God manifests a giant blade of his own based on Gaia's power to parry it, but Gemini splits into several clones to hack at Sun God from various angles.)
Geminiman: Hey, even our own powers might be godlike now! Good to know.
Sun God: I am so weary of these little creatures and their incessant replicating. (Slices through clone after clone as they swarm him.)
Magnetman: It's not gonna take us a billion years to deal with the likes of you.
(ARCEUS used Cosmic Power!)
Hardman: Alright, I'm feeling even hotter! Now I'm ready to eat the sun! (Launches twin blazing Hard Knuckles to pummel Sun God just as he's finishing with the Gemini clones.)
Sparkman: Maybe just hang back and let those of us with Poseidon Cannons get our shots in.
Needlegal: (Scribbling with her Celestial Brush) Icestorm! This thing is really oddly intuitive.
(Bullets of fire, water, and ice pummel Sun God from all angles, causing him to reel in pain.)
Sun God: Wound me all you can. It won't be enough.
Shadowman: As much as I appreciate the inexplicable missile launchers in the headlights and the ability to fly through space in the form of a road vehicle, I really feel like I'm missing an edge here.
Snakeman: What cannot be achieved through raw power, may be taken by basssest treachery!
Shadowman: Hm. Well, the corrupt servant of evil has a point. I don't think even a powered up shadow warp can get behind a guy literally made of sunlight though.
Snakeman: Then follow my lead!
(Snakeman's body unnaturally stretches towards Sun God just as he's forming a Venus barrier to deflect the attacks from the others. The multiple snake heads merge into one giant maw that bears down directly over Sun God's head and then snaps down, swallowing the entity whole. The giant snake only remains for a moment before ballooning at the throat and exploding in fire, sending Snakeman hurtling away as his heads grow back.)
Sun God: Unpleasant, but pointless. When will you realize I... Eh?
(Sun God looks down to notice he's been stabbed through the back with a large sword shaped from parts of a car's undercarriage.)
Shadowman: The light was out just long enough to give me the opening I needed.
Primus: (Voice echoing in Shadow's mind.) Now, light Our darkest hour.
Shadowman: Hold up, did this deal come with a Matrix?
Primus: It's a bonus accessory.
Shadowman: Right. LIGHT OUR DAR-
Sun God: As I was saying... (Pulls the sword out even as it glows with cosmic light, then tosses it aside along with Shadowman.) I can suffer any number of injuries such as this. My power is supplied by the boundless stars themselves. I will never tire. I will never fall.
Hardman: Even when our attacks seem like they're working he ends up looking no worse for wear. What he's saying might be true.
Waveman: He hasn't felt my full fury yet! I've been building up all the power of the ocean and I think I can snuff out his flame before he has a chance to recover!
Magnetman: Well, if you're ready, then go ahead and do it!
Waveman: I'm doing it! WAHHH!
(An unfathomable quantity of water shoots forth from Waveman and begins to envelop Sun God. Despite Wave's hopes, the entity continues to burn from within the deluge and the water starts to boil away.)
Waveman: I-I'm not doing it!? But what else can I do?
Needlegal: You just need to confront him head-on! We're right behind you! Waterspout! (She draws a path with her brush that makes another path of water sweeping Waveman towards Sun God.)
Waveman: But I thought I wasn't supposed to get close to him!
Needlegal: Never mind that! It's all up to you!
Waveman: It's... It's all up to meeee!
(Waveman is swept by the current into the core of the water planetoid created by his attack.)
Needlegal: Well, that's the end of him.
Shadowman: What was that all about!? He's just going to get absorbed!
Snakeman: We mussst retrieve him!
Needlegal: No, let's see where this goes.
Geminiman: That's a terrible idea! Sun God could lose his vulnerability to water!
Sparkman: It's not like the water was making that much of a difference though.
Needlegal: Exactly. It's time to try something else. If Waveman was here for a reason, it probably had to do with his relation to Sun God, so I say we let this play out.
Hardman: And if it backfires, we can just get killed faster than we were inevitably going to. It's win-win.
(After a few more moments, the globe of water glows brightly and rapidly shrinks, absorbed into Sun God's form. For a few seconds Sun God holds up the lifeless body of Waveman, less his Neptunian powerup, then tosses it aside as he turns back to face the Mechs.)
Sun God: At last, I am one step closer to being whole! It feels wonderful! ...I think.
Mechanical Maniacs: ...
Sun God: ...Is this how it should feel? It is somewhat unsettling. Perhaps if the remaining pieces were secured... Why am I so much more aware of their absence?
(Sun God loses focus on the Mechs and starts looking around uncomfortably.)
Sun God: That piece was supposed to represent faith and conviction. What is this... doubt? What's wrong with me? Isn't this going perfectly? I've accomplished so much in such a short time. So many... Oh...OH NO!
(He clutches his head in horrific realization.)
Topman: Is this what you thought would happen?
Needlegal: Honestly, I had no idea, but I'd say we lucked out.
Geminiman: He's... broken. He didn't have enough of a personality to balance out the wimpiness he absorbed from Wave.
Magnetman: And look! The sun is going back to normal. Seems he's giving up.
Sun God: Why!? Whyyyy!? Whhaaaaa hhaa hhaa! I don't wanna be vengeance incarnate any more! I just wanna go back to my existence of solitary supremacy. I just wanted silence. Why can't it just be silent?
(The Maniacs approach slowly and carefully.)
Needlegal: Hey there, Sun God? It's okay. Now that you're settled down, I think we can work out a solution that will solve everything.
Sun God: (sniff) R-really? After everything... you'd be willing to help? I can't believe it. I guess I misjudged you-
Needlegal: NOW!
Shadowman: ATTACK!
(The Mechs suddenly lay into Sun God with their strongest weapons.)
Topman: SPIN SLASH!
Snakeman: SSSNAKES OF SSSIN!
Magnetman: YEEHAW!
(ARCEUS used Judgment! It's super effective!)
Sun God: OW! OWW! (Sniff) Why are you doing this!?
Hardman: You want peace and quiet? You want to not be a part of this universe any more? We got ya covered!
Geminiman: After all the death you caused, there's no way we could let you walk away unpunished.
Sun God: Aw, come on! Leave me alone!
(Sun God curls up into a fetal position as the Mechs continue to whale on him.)
Shadowman: (Emptying his vehicle mode's missile banks) Ugh! Are you kidding me!? All of that and we still can't kill this guy? What's he made of?
Topman: Good question. Some combination of sunlight and whatever it is Navi Forms are made of? Ones and zeroes, I guess?
Needlegal: That's another angle we may not have considered enough. The gods have insisted we treat this as a fight on their own terms, but none of them seem to know what to make of this cyberworld stuff.
Magnetman: On that, we can relate.
Geminiman: Most of the gods are all so old. Robotic and cybernetic matters are a little out of their wheelhouse. Even Primus, oddly enough.
Shadowman: His tech savviness seems to have peaked around the mid-80s.
Sparkman: Good, then if you're all ready to forget about these worthless, so-called- ...Cram it! Your five minutes are up! I'm done listening! ...Anyway, I say it's time to ground ourselves in reality and look to good ol' science for answers.
Geminiman: ...Yeah, I think you're on to something. That's what we should have done all along.
Sparkman: Sweet. Now, let's head down to that planet. (Turning towards the alien world Sun God had been attacking.) They have spaceships, so it stands to reason they have plasma converter engines or a reasonable equivalent. If they don't already have a multi-spectra analysis device, I bet I could rig one up in less than a day. Then it's just a matter of keeping him suppressed long enough to pin down his unique dimensional energy signature and channeling the power from these god weapons into an harmonic plasma pulse emitter. Best case scenario, that's enough to break him down then and there, but alternatively it could re-open access to his original corporeal context and then... Aw, but I'm getting ahead of myself. We should probably break into two groups for this first part. Who's good to go planetside?
(Spark turns back around to see the other Mechs gathered in a circle, hands clasped and eyes closed meditively.)
Sparkman: What the hell is this?
Needlegal: Shhh. We're sending out our prayers. We know basically all the gods are watching this event, so this is a sure way to get the attention of the one we want.
Sparkman: I thought we agreed we were done with sucking up to gods.
Snakeman: We jussst need to reach the right one!
(From within the circle, space begins to shimmer, prompting the Maniacs to back away in shock. The shimmer starts to glow, and quickly builds to a blinding flash that leaves an ethereal figure standing in the center as the light fades.)
???: I hear you and answer, My children.
Sparkman: Dr. Light!?
???: You merely perceive Me as one whom you recognize as the representation of your technological origins. For I am the force that created you all just as the gods created life before you. I am Science incarnate.
Mechanical Maniacs: Praise be to Science!
Sparkman: What!? No. Science isn't a god. Science is how we disprove the nature of gods!
Science: True, I'm not very popular at the Celestial Forum, but Our nature is fundamentally the same. Through the conceptual energies of the collective consciousness, beliefs are given corporeality within the upper-dimensional realm of cosmic paradigms, which in turn may cast empirical effects upon derivative planar actualities to the extent Our perceived influence allows; a form of meta-apotheosis geometrically tempered according to the level of sapient devotion to each distinct nascent entity.
Hardman: Sounds scientific enough to me.
Sparkman: Give me a break. That's just a bunch of big-sounding words strung together to pass as convincing to an uncritical observer but ultimately mean nothing. He's... like... the god of pseudoscience. Patron deity of dimwitted sci-fi writers trying to depict characters that sound smarter than themselves.
Snakeman: Hssssss...
Science: Am I not observable? Am I not repeatable? Go on, summon Me again.
Sparkman: What is that supposed to-
Mechanical Maniacs: Oh, Science, hear our prayer!
(Another figure resembling Dr.Light appears beside the first one.)
Science: See? A successful iteration of the scientific method. This shows I am genuine.
Sparkman: ...No it doesn't! You just did a thing that Geminiman does all the time.
Science: Very good. With that critique you can form a new hypothesis, and you already have a control group in the form of Geminiman. Now new experiments can be performed, such that-
Geminiman: Uh, some other time, perhaps. We actually called you here on an urgent matter.
Topman: Can you give us a way to deal with this Sun God jerk for real? Hey, where did he go?
(Everyone looks around and soon sees that Sun God had just started floating closer to the local star as soon as everyone stopped beating him or paying any attention to him.)
Sun God: Why do they have to be so mean? ... I'll show them all... Maybe I was right to want to destroy them. They'll be sorry when the power of the sun roasts them in the flames of perdition...
Science: Ah yes, I have a perfect scientific solution. His indestructible nature is the result of his cross-dimensional origin. Your attempt to emulate the elemental weaknesses of his native reality was the correct idea, but reality itself needs to be emulated to achieve the desired result.
Shadowman: Alright. How are we supposed to do that?
Science: With the power of the gods, you possess the tools to reconstruct reality, and through the power of science, I can grant you the blueprints. Needlegal, use your Celestial Brush to write this over Sun God's region of space. (Hands her a card with glowing numbers scrolling across its surface.)
Needlegal: Wow, okay. Uh... (Gestures with the brush in the form of several lines and circles in the direction of Sun God.) 01010010 01010101 01001110... How long is this going to end up being? ...01000101 01011000 01000101...
Science: Then you two align your swords with Shadowman's Matrix, and the rest of you channel your power through that apparatus just as she finishes her inscription.
Sparkman: This makes no sense whatsoever, but fine. The sooner this fails, the sooner we can do it my way. I had the same idea, incidentally, just more realistically.
Magnetman: Sure you did.
Science: Good work, everyone. Just keep the apparatus aligned like that for a few more... Pardon me, but is that person dead? (He points towards the body of Waveman, floating motionless behind the group.)
Geminiman: Ehh, kinda? Don't worry about him. We can probably fix him later.
Science: Hmm... Would you mind if I took that corpse off your hands?
Topman: Huh? Why?
Science: Oh, you could scarcely comprehend the scientific intricacies... Look, I'll pay handsomely for it! (Pulls a fat wad of cash out of his spectral lab coat.)
Sparkman: Where did that come from? What's some kind of conceptual embodiment doing with... money?
Science: Just trust Me. This is how Science works. Now are you going to sell that corpse to Me or what?
Shadowman: (shrugs) Sure? I guess?
Science: (Hands Shadowman the cash as Waveman's body mysteriously teleports away) Pleasure doing business with you. Now, I think we're just about ready to turn on ... the Cosmic Computer!
(Needlegal finishes writing and space distorts around everyone. The stars, the planet, and its moon all fade from sight and are replaced by a bright and colorful expanse with geometric shapes and mathematical formulae filling the backdrop surrounding a relatively small square tile platform where Sun God and the Mechanical Maniacs stand in their navi forms.)
Sun God: Aww! This isn't right at all! I thought I was free of this space!
Shadowman.exe: So did I.
Snakeman.exe: What are you grousssing for? This is our chance!
Topman.exe: Let's get this over with!
(The Mechs unleash the powers of their Navi Forms combined with the power of the gods. Sun God makes a weak attempt to fight back, but lacks both the spirit and the regenerative ability that made him invincible before.)
Sun God: Sweet... Silence... Guhhhh...
(In a final burst of light, Sun God disintegrates into scattering pixels as he's successfully deleted. Moments later, space itself follows in kind as the Cosmic Computer reverts to normal reality.)
(For a moment, everything goes hazy for the Mechs. When the feeling clears, they find themselves not in the orbit around the alien star, but back in the council room of the Celestial Forum.)
Needlegal: What was that? Did we die again?
Party God: Nope! You actually completed your mission! Sun God is no more! Righteous!
Apollo: As much as We appreciate you saving Our solar domains, you did resort to that misbegotten "Science" in the end. For that blasphemy, I am afraid We cannot reward you with permanent status as demigods heralded as heroes throughout the universe for all eternity.
Hardman: Maybe next time.
Ilias: Although the least We can do is revive and return your fallen comrade.
(Waveman appears amidst the Mechs, looking especially bewildered.)
Waveman: Wha... Wh... All... ptuh... me?...
Snakeman: You could have done less. We wouldn't mind.
Apollo: We insist. This way Science doesn't get him either. Screw that guy.
Shadowman: (Checking that the cash hasn't magically disappeared.) Hmm... I should probably spend this as fast as possible.
Vishnu: We see now why you robots are such godless miscreants. You are the spawn of Science, and as such have no place among the realm of the divine.
Topman: Rude!
Ra: Now return from whence you came! Let no scripture record the events of this day. Unless they give all the credit to Us.
Thor: Let's go, Mechs.
(Thor leads the team and Waveman out of the Forum grounds to the rainbow bridge and then whips up another whirlwind that deposits them back in the Mechs' apartment. When the dust clears, there's no sign of Thor. The hole he made in the wall earlier is still there. The TV is not.)
Shadowman: (Sigh) Well, now I have something to spend the Science money on, I guess.
Sparkman: Oh man, it feels so good not to have that voice in my head any more. "Sweet silence", as our dearly departed friend would say.
Waveman: Was that... real? Or did I just dream all of it? I feel like I just came out of a net-dive.
Snakeman: It was a dream. Go home. (Kicks Waveman out the hole in the wall.) WELL, looks like everything turned out alright.
Needlegal: Have we been a bit excessively mean to Waveman during this adventure? We do kinda owe him for helping to save the universe...
Snakeman: Ahem... It looks like everything turned out alright.
Needlegal: Hm. Whatever. We learned something too.
Magnetman: One might say we learned too much. Take me back to the days of blissful ignorance to what terrifying hidden forces loom over our miniscule speck of a world at all times.
Needlegal: In a more practical sense, I was going to say we learned to be more careful about getting in over our heads. We had every chance to turn down the mission that could have just as easily been done by the gods themselves if they were being less lazy, and it literally cost us our lives. On top of it all, what did we even gain in the end?
Shadowman: Uh, hello? (Waves the wad of cash in Needlegal's face.)
Hardman: I learned there may be greater destiny in my future. Maybe. Or maybe they were just messing with me. I might actually find an answer in a million years if I last that long.
Geminiman: We may have learned that Diveman is more credible than we give him credit for... or else we're possibly just as crazy and foolish as he is now.
Sparkman: If gods actually exist, they're all assholes. That's the only takeaway I'm willing to get from this.
Topman: Well, until Science comes looking for a refund, we are ... The Mechanical Maniacs!
The End
Cast: |
|||||
| Leon as ..... |  Sparkman |
Raijin as ..... | Snakeman |
Psycho Magnet as ..... |  Needlegal |
| Ben as ..... |  Hardman |
Nightmare as ..... |  Topman |
||
| Lennon as ..... |  Geminiman |
Sheriff (Kassidy) Mags as ..... |  Magnetman |
Gauntlet as ..... |  Shadowman |
