Series 9 Issue #30 - Mechtale


Long ago, two races ruled over Earth: HUMANS and MONSTERS ROBOTS.

One day, war broke out between the two races (or at least a small portion of one race).

After a long battle, the humans (and the robots who sided with them, damn this intro isn't very good for Mega Man) were victorious.

They sealed the robots (the Wily affiliated ones, anyway) underground with a magic spell laws (since they'd arrest and turn off any Wily-affiliated robot they found).

Many years later...

The lowest level of the Multi-leveled city of Monsteropolis, known colloquially as the Wily Underground.

20XX.

This fine morning the self-styled Sheriff of the Underground - Magnetman - walks towards the borders of a disputed territory...

Flowey: Howdy! I'm Flowey! Flowey the flower presenter!

(Magnetman walks right past without missing a beat.)

Flowey: HEY!

Magnetman: Now lessee here. Past the ruins of some battle or sumsuch ... through a door ... a door ...

Croaker: Ribbit ribbit. (I heard using "F4" can make you have a "full screen.")

Magnetman: That's nice. (where's that door?)

Croaker: (But what does "F4" stand for? Four frogs?)

Magnetman: Probably.

(Magnetman walks off as the frogs continue babbling. Past a run down buildings and into a long hallway and, finally past a door. Magnetman opens it and reveals a wide forested vista. It seems the robots in this area have remade their entire section into a snow covered mountainous wonderland.)

Magnetman: Some people have too much dang time on their hands. If they spent half the amount of time helping out on Energen raids as they have on this nonsense we'd be all stocked up by now.

(Magnetman continues for a time until ...)

???: Robot. Don't you -

(Magnetman immediately spins around and shoots the creepily approaching figure right in the head.)

Magnetman: GYAHH!

(The robot's heads ricochets off a tree and then right into Magnetman's face.)

Magnetman: UFF!

???: WAHHHH!

(The head finally lands in the pile of "bones" that is his body.)

???: I guess that was my fault. Sorry for sneaking up like that.

Magnetman: Dagnabbit, do you always do that?

???: Pretty much, yeah. Pleased to meetcha. The name's Joe. Skeleton Joe, that is.

(The Skeleton Joe pulls himself together and Magnetman is left scratching his head.)

Skeleton Joe: Anyway, you're Magnetman, right? That's hilarious.

Magnetman: Hilarious?

Skeleton Joe: But I guess cowboys are cooler than magnets so getting bored with your theme is tibia expected!

Magnetman: That annoys me in more than one way.

Skeleton Joe: I'm actually supposed to be on watch for Mets right now, but ... y'know ... I don't really care about fighting anybody. Now my brother, Joe, he's a met-hunting FANATIC.

Magnetman: Then I guess I'll be talking to him since I'm here to help mediate a solution to your ongoing feud.

Skeleton Joe: I have an idea.

Magnetman: As do I - getting on with the job. Let's go find your brother.

Skeleton Joe: Uh, well, okay. But I should warn you. He's a little ... bone-headed.

Magnetman: Are you gonna be doin' that all dang day?

Skeleton Joe: Actually, here he comes now. Quick! Behind that conveniently-shaped lamp.

Magnetman: ...

...

Skeleton Joe: Uh, ok, I guess you don't have to.

(Another Skeleton Joe boldly walks towards the duo.)

Skeleton Joe: 'sup, bro?

Skeleton Joe: YOU KNOW WHAT "SUP," BROTHER! IT'S BEEN EIGHT DAYS AND YOU STILL HAVEN'T RECALIBRATED. YOUR. PUZZLES! YOU JUST HANG AROUND OUTSIDE YOUR STATION! WHAT ARE YOU EVEN DOING!?

Magnetman: Oh my god.

Skeleton Joe: ACK! I DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE THIS INTRUDER! JOE! WHY DIDN'T YOU ALERT ME TO THIS SOONER!?

Skeleton Joe: I guess I need to bone up on my guarding skills.

Skeleton Joe: TO ARMS!

Magnetman: Hey, now, you people called me!

Skeleton Joe: UH, WE DID?

Skeleton Joe: Well, you might have.

Magnetman: I'm here to help you with your Metool problem!

Skeleton Joe: BUT HOW DO I KNOW YOU'RE NOT SOME KIND OF FANCY NEW METOOL THAT LOOKS NOTHING LIKE A METOOL, EH?

Magnetman: ...

Skeleton Joe: ...

Skeleton Joe: NYEH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH!!! REALLY HAD YOU GOING THERE FOR A MINUTE. I, THE GREAT SKELETON JOE, AM A MASTER OF COMEDY!

Skeleton Joe: Heh. Good one, bro.

Magnetman: Hilarious. Now -

Skeleton Joe: I WILL ALLOW YOU TO AID US, BUT ONLY IF YOU CAN PASS A GAME A WITS! TO THE PUZZLES! NYE HE HE HE HE HE HE HE HE HE HE!!!

(To Magnetman's annoyance the Joe runs off in a maddened glee.)

Magnetman: For cryin' out loud!

Skeleton Joe: Aw, don't be mad. This'll be fun.

Magnetman: *mumble grumble*

(Magnetman moves onwards into ... the snow covered peaks?)

Magnetman: Way too much time on their hands, that's fer darned sure. How is all this stuff underground!? It don't many any damned sense.

(Magnetman is approached by the inhabitant of this area of the Underground...)

Pipi: Ice to meetcha!

Magnetman: Likewise.

Pipi: Did you hear the one about -

(Magnetman walks past paying the robot no mind as he continues deeper into Joe territory.)

Magnetman: Ah, a way station. Maybe -

Sniper Joe: Did something move? Was it my imagination? I can only see moving things. If something WAS moving ... for example, a Met... I'll make sure it NEVER moves again!

Magnetman: Well, I did move and I ain't a Met. I'm -

Sniper Joe: A Met! A Met! I knew it!

(The Sniper Joe leaps out of his station and takes aim at an annoyed Magnetman and begins to fire wildly.)

Sniper Joe: I'll get you, you damned Metool! Mets drool, Joes rule!!

Magnetman: ...

(Magnetman, very carefully, moves out of the way as the Sniper Joe continues to rant.)

Magnetman: What a weirdo. And speaking of...

(Magnetman spots one of the Skeleton Joes standing in front of a slick surface.)

Skeleton Joe: Hey, here's something important to remember. My brother has a very special attack. If you see a blue attack, don't move and it won't hurt you. Here's an easy way to keep it in mind. Imagine a stop sign. When you see a stop sign you stop, right? Stop signs are red, so imagine a blue stop sign instead. Simple, right? When fighting, think about blue stop signs.

Magnetman: Y-e-a-h. How about you just tell him I'm here to sort out yer mess and we can forget all about that blue stuff?

Skeleton Joe: Oh. Uh, I could. But he really wants to see someone get through all these puzzles he made. He put so much time into it, I think it'd mean a lot to him to see you go through them.

Magnetman: Son, I do not have the patience for that kind of nonsense.

Skeleton Joe: Well, at least it's some kind of sense, right? Heh heh heh.

(Magnetman walks off in a huff.)

Snoler: I am a snowman.

Magnetman: And I'm one pissed off magnet.

(Magnet walks away from the snowman without another word. Eventually he happens upon ...)

Skeleton Joe: YOU'RE SO LAZY!! YOU WERE NAPPING ALL NIGHT!!

Skeleton Joe: I think that's called... sleeping.

Skeleton Joe: EXCUSES, EXCUSES! OH HO! THE SHERIFF ARRIVES!

Magnetman: I've finally caught up with you.

Skeleton Joe: IN ORDER TO TEST YOU... MY BROTHER AND I HAVE CREATED SOME PUZZLES!

Magnetman: You're testing me mightily right now, skeleton!

Skeleton Joe: I THINK YOU WILL FIND THIS ONE... QUITE SHOCKING!!! FOR YOU SEE, THIS IS THE INVISIBLE... ELECTRICITY MAZE!!! WHEN YOU TOUCH THE WALLS OF THIS MAZE, THIS ORB WILL ADMINISTER A HEARTY ZAP! SOUND LIKE FUN?

Magnetman: NO!

Skeleton Joe: BECAUSE THE AMOUNT OF FUN YOU WILL PROBABLY HAVE, IS ACTUALLY RATHER SMALL I THINK.

Magnetman: No kiddin'.

Skeleton Joe: OK, YOU CAN GO AHEAD NOW.

(With a huff Magnetman steps ahead and the Joe is the one who gets electrocuted.)

Skeleton Joe: JOE!!! WHAT DID YOU DO?!?!

Skeleton Joe: I think Magnet needs to hold the orb.

(Magnetman strides angrily around the ground towards the Skeleton Joes. The taller one is shocked each time Magnet hits an invisible wall.)

Skeleton Joe: HEY! OW! STOP! OW! THE MIGHTY SKELETON JOE DEAMNDS IT! EEEEEEOOOOOWWWWWCK!

Skeleton Joe: This ain't going too well, is it?

Magnetman: I have had just enough of this!

Skeleton Joe: YOU MUST BE HAVING CULTURE SHOCK. YOU SEE, WHERE I COME FROM, IT'S A LOVING TRADITION TO SUFFER THROUGH HORRIBLE PUZZLES FOR NO REASON!

Magnetman: Why you ...

Skeleton Joe: THE NEXT PUZZLE WILL NOT BE EASY! IT IS DESIGNED BY MY BROTHER. YOU WILL SURELY BE CONFOUNDED! I KNOW I AM! NYEH HEH HEH HEH!

(The Joe scrambles ahead of the fuming Magnetman.)

Skeleton Joe: It would make my brother happy if you played along.

Magnetman: Look, is there a job here or not? I was told the Mets were a problem.

Skeleton Joe: Sure, but all work and no play ... you know?

Magnetman: NO! No, I don't know!

Skeleton Joe: Well, hopefully, by the time we're all through it'll be more in your field. Your magnetic field.

(The Joe calmly follows his brother. Magnetman stalks after them.)

Bomber Pepe: I don't understand why these aren't selling... It's the perfect weather for something cold... OH!!! A CUSTOMER!!!

Magnetman: Pass.

Skeleton Joe: I've been thinking of selling treats too. Want some fried snow? It's just 5 Zenny.

Magnetman: No thanks.

Skeleton Joe: Hey, that's okay. I don't have any snow.

Skeleton Joe: SHERIFF!!! I HOPE YOU'RE READY FOR ... JOE!! WHERE'S THE PUZZLE!!!

Skeleton Joe: It's right there. On the ground. Trust me. There's no way they can get past this one.

(Magnet walks right by the piece of paper.)

Magnetman: Guys, I think it's time to stop -

Skeleton Joe: JOE!!! THAT DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!

Skeleton Joe: Whoops. I knew I should have used today's crossword instead.

Skeleton Joe: WHAT!? CROSSWORD!? I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU SAID THAT!! IN MY OPINION... JUNIOR JUMBLE IS EASILY THE HARDEST.

Skeleton Joe: What? Really, dude? That easy-peasy word scramble? That's for baby-bones.

Skeleton Joe: UN. BELIEVABLE.

Skeleton Joe: SHERIFF!!! SOLVE THIS DISPUTE!

...

Skeleton Joe:: THE SHERIFF HAS TURNED INVISIBLE!

Skeleton Joe: I think he just left while we were talking.

Skeleton Joe: THAT CANNOT BE! HE'S HERE SOMEWHERE, I KNOW IT! SHERIFF! COME OUT AND FACE ME!

Skeleton Joe: Oh, man.

(Magnet is a distance away now. He sees a frozen plate of pasta beside an unplugged microwave.)

Magnetman: Ridiculous. I have half a mind to turn right on back the way I came, but I am duty-bound to at least try and solve this conflict.

(Magnet is accosted by another Joe.)

Sniper Joe 01: Heya, heya!

Magnetman: Hey!

Sniper Joe 01: Aw, man, I know you! Magnetman, right? Of the Mechs!

Magnetman: Oh finally! Someone who knows who I am.

Sniper Joe 01: Oh, man I'm so happy you're here!

Magnetman: Alright, let's get right to business. I've been wandering around this place and have only encountered nonsense.

Sniper Joe 01: Yeah, I'm all about business too. Hey, I know, why don't we go back to my place and watch some Netflix.

Magnetman: Uh .... what?

Sniper Joe 01: Okay, you're not into Netflix, how do you feel about snow sculptures? I like them oh so much, yes I do! I know you will too once you come and see then, do you wanna see them? Do you, huh, do you?

Magnetman: Not ... especially ...

Sniper Joe 01: Not into art either, eh? Okay, that's fine, what about a shooting game? We can blast coke bottles! I have some at home and home is close by I can go on and get them and we can have a lot of fun shooting at them and it will be oh so much fun do you wanna shoot bottles? Do you, oh do you?

...

Magnetman: Sure.

Sniper Joe 01: OH BOY!

(Sniper Joe 01 runs off. As soon as he's out of sight Magnetman hurries off as well, anxious to be off. He randomly finds a switch which, he supposes, opens up a useless trap set by Skeleton Joe.)

Magnetman: Mrrrrrrrrr... Grrrrrrr...

(When, all of a sudden)

Piriparee: What's that smell?

Crystal Joe: Where's the smell?

Piriparee: If you're a smell...

Crystal Joe: ... identify yoursmelf!

Magnetman: I'm the Sheriff of the Wily Underground! I'm here to help you people with your Metool problem! But I swear if I'm met with more nonsense...

(The Joes run around excitedly. Magnetman's face contorts with rage.)

Magnetman: NOW SEE HERE! You people called me here!

Piriparee: You smell weird, Sheriff. It makes me want to eliminate ...

Crystal Joe: ... Eliminate YOU!

(Magnetman uses his magnetic powers to draw the Joes close and proceeds to pummel the pair of them with his bare hands.)

Piriparee: WAHHH!!!!

Crystal Joe: THE WIERD SMELL IS ATTACKING US!

Magnetman: If you people don't want my help in your problem I am out of here!

(Magnetman storms off. Meanwhile....)

Skeleton Joe: I WONDER WHEN THAT SHERIFF PERSON IS GOING TO GET HERE. I CAN'T WAIT TO SHOW HIM MY LATEST TRAP! IT'S A WORK OF PURE GENIUS!

Skeleton Joe: I'm sure he's just chilling out somewhere.

(Back at Walkman's Bar ...)

Magnetman: Barkeep! Whiskey me and leave the bottle! I've had myself quite the ordeal.

Walkman: Sure thing, bud.

...

Magnetman: Strange.

Walkman: What?

Magnetman: I just thought that the Mechs would be here now.

Walkman: Why?

Magnetman: I dunno, there's just this thing we do when we're done for the day. It's odd not being able to do it.

Walkman: I'll help you do it. Hey, Wave!

Waveman: (runs up, happy to be a part of the conversation) Yeah?

Walkman: Mags here wants to do this thing his team does when they're all done with something

Waveman: Oh, wow! Okay, let's do it!

Magnetman: Great! (Magnetman scribbles some notes on a napkin) Here ya go. I'll start.

(Magnetman clears his throat.)

Magnetman: Well, I guess things turned out all right...

Waveman: Did it? What happened?

Magnetman: No, that's my line.

Waveman: Oh.

Walkman: And we learned something too....

Magnetman: Do tell.

...

Walkman: I guess I'm supposed to ad lib something?

Magnetman: Please.

Walkman: Oh, okay. Uh. Hum.

Magnetman: Take yer time.

Walkman: Well, I guess I learned about this silly little tradition. That, I guess, you guys do all the time?

Magnetman: Ugh, that did NOT work.

Waveman: I learned about the power of friendship!

(Waveman gives a very uncomfortable Magnetman and Walkman a big hug.)

Magnetman: Oh ... geez. Haven't you guys tried to kill my guys a few dozen times?

Walkman: Wave, we have talked about this. It freaks out the customers.

Waveman: Oh. Um. Sorry.

(Waveman runs off in embarrassment.)

...

Walkman: Is this next one me or you?

Magnetman: Oh, I may as well. Well, until Waveman can control himself, I am ... a Mechanical Maniac!

Reset

Cast:

Leon as .....
Sparkman
Raijin as .....
Snakeman
Psycho Magnet as .....
Needlegal
Ben as .....
Hardman
    Nightmare as .....
Topman
Lennon as .....
Geminiman
Sheriff (Kassidy) Mags as .....
Magnetman
Gauntlet as .....
Shadowman

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